How to Deal with + Heal From a Toxic Mother
How to Deal with + Heal From a Toxic Mother
A Toxic Mother or father can add significant challenges and difficulties to our lives, as parents or caregivers have a tremendous impact on the development of our identity and how we experience the world around us.
Because of our loyalty to our family and the values we share with them, we often are not aware of their harmful ways. Of course, a lot of hurt that comes from family members is unintentional, yet that doesn’t make it less painful.
That is why, in this article, we’ve decided to look closer at examples of a toxic mother, how to deal with her, and ways to heal from mother wounds. During the process of discovery and learning, make sure you are kind to yourself. Your only end goal is to provide yourself with everything she couldn’t.
Characteristics of a Toxic Mother
Nobody is perfect. While we live, we will bring joy to others, yet we will also hurt someone we love. It’s impossible to avoid getting hurt or hurting someone. That said, mothers are responsible for their children until a certain age. Many will realize that they’ve had a toxic mother long after they have moved out of their family home.
Although hundreds of books have been written about this topic, there is still a lot of confusion about what can be characterized as a toxic mother. To offer a framework of behaviors that are common in toxic mothers, we’ve compiled this list:
- She fails to respect your boundaries by simply ignoring them, questioning them, or making fun of them.
- She refuses to take accountability when she makes a mistake.
- She never apologizes for her words or actions and instead blames you.
- She shows a lack of empathy for your problems, needs, or feelings.
- She has high expectations and makes sure you’re aware you’re not meeting them.
- She either avoids conflicts or turns them into counterproductive arguments.
- She uses manipulation to make you do or say whatever she thinks is best.
- She doesn’t like your friends and always finds a flaw in each of them.
- She loves to be the center of attention and hates it when you or someone else takes that away from her.
- She controls your decisions and doesn’t allow you to live your life how you want to.
- She doesn’t take care of her health and expects you to care for her.
There are many other examples of toxic mothers. Unfortunately, their actions can create serious consequences for their children. As much as a child loves their mother and wants to find a reason for such behavior, it doesn’t take away the fact that it hurts. The way a person deals with such hurt can differ depending on their personality, upbringing, social circle, and other factors.
How to Heal from a Toxic Mother
A bigger question than how to identify a toxic mother is how to deal with her. What do you do when she undermines everything you do and are? How do you handle the expectation that you should prioritize her needs over your own life?
Whatever the situation with your mother might be, there are a few steps you can take to protect yourself. The best way to handle her depends on your situation and natural style.
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Recognize Toxic Behaviors
Once you know which of your mother’s behaviors are harming you, it will become easier to prepare a strategy and take care of yourself. Go back to our list above and select which characteristics apply to your mother.
Then, think of the situations in which this behavior is activated. What does she say in these situations? The idea is that you familiarize yourself with the way her toxicity functions. As it could be challenging to have a conversation with her that would change her behavior, your best strategy is to prepare.
That way, hearing her repeat the exact same phrases you wrote down won’t surprise you next time. It might still hurt, yet it will not be a scenario in which you lose control and allow her to treat you how she wants.
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Set Boundaries
There are two types of boundaries we have to explain when dealing with toxic mothers. One type of boundary is toward her, and the other is for you. Oftentimes, we’re focused more on setting the boundaries for others and not for ourselves.For instance, you might say to her to stop raising her voice at you. That is a boundary that she might or might not respect. However, setting a boundary for yourself here is what matters the most. If you decide to leave her house anytime, she lacks respect. That is a healthy boundary you’ve set to protect yourself from her.
In a way, you are just as responsible for doing anything you can to feel safe as she is for respecting your boundaries.
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Practice Emotional Detachment
Emotional attachment is the most natural way to feel about your parents. If you have a toxic parent, on the other side, you’ll need to start practicing emotional detachment. There are many techniques available for this.
You might want to write down everything you want from her and know she’ll never give you. Or, you might want to go through one of your fantasies with your therapist to understand better why you seek her validation.
Essentially, you want to understand the expectations you have from your relationship with your mother. As painful as it may be to admit that these expectations will never be met, doing so allows you to make room for others who may be able to meet them.
Maybe you’ve always wanted your mother to congratulate you on your successful career, yet she’s only been diminishing all your achievements. Realizing the truth could free you from such expectations in the future and help you find a better place to meet that need.
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Work with a Therapist
The relationship between a mother and her child is a complicated one. Because we weren’t able to stand up for ourselves during childhood, it becomes quite challenging to work on these wounds alone. Therapists understand this relationship and can provide a more objective perspective.
With time, they can provide you with the knowledge and skills you need to break free from this toxic relationship. They can also help you set clear boundaries and see that relationship for what it is.
After all, this person is your mother, and nothing can change it. Each person can manage this relationship differently, yet what matters the most is that you heal from it and not carry that pain inside yourself. When you see your mother clearly, you can see yourself without her lenses.
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