Aromantic or Asexual: What is The Difference?

October 29, 2022/in LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Aromantic or Asexual: What is The Difference?

Asexuality and aromantic don’t have the same meanings. As the terms imply, asexual individuals have little to no sexual attraction, whereas aromantic people have little to no romantic attraction. Each of these terms has several variations as well, meaning that not all people with little or no sexual attraction are immediately asexual. The same goes for aromantics. Those who are asexual are commonly known as “ace” and those who identify as aromantic use the term “aro.”

Some people claim to be both asexual and aromantic. There are times that someone who is panromantic and is in love with another, for an aesthetic reason, yet may not find them sexually attractive.

Therefore, just because you identify with one of these concepts doesn’t mean you do so with the other. To understand it better, let’s dive deeper.

The Meaning of Asexuality

People who are asexual rarely or never feel sexual attraction. In other words, they experience little or no desire to engage in sexual activity with others. Since asexuality is a spectrum, some asexuals are more attracted to other people sexually than others.

It’s possible to have sex with someone without feeling sexually attracted to them, thus this doesn’t imply that asexual individuals never engage in sexual activity. While some members of the asexual community refrain from having sex, others who are asexual could still have sex for a variety of reasons. Asexuals do not feel sexual attraction, while allosexual individuals do.

The Meaning of Aromantic

Few or no romantic attractions are felt by aromantic individuals. Wanting to be in a committed relationship with someone is what romantic attraction is all about. A romantic connection can mean different things to different people.

Even though they don’t sense romantic attraction for a particular person, some aromantic individuals may have romantic relationships or may still want one. Someone who does not experience romantic attraction is the opposite of an aromantic. Alloromantic refers to this kind of individual.

Being Aromantic Asexual (aro, ace)

Not all aromantic individuals are asexual, and not all asexual people are aromantic; nevertheless, some people are both.

Aromantic and asexual people rarely, if ever, feel sexual or romantic desire. However, that doesn’t mean they never form romantic attachments or engage in sexual activity. An individual who considers themselves to be both asexual and aromantic may fall entirely on different ends of either spectrum.

Asexuality and Aromantics: Other Terms

Other words are also used to define people’s sexual and romantic identities. A few of the identities that fall under the asexual or aromantic category are:

Grayromantic or graysexual: One who only occasionally feels sexual or romantic desire is referred to as “graysexual” or “grayromantic.” They may only occasionally or with very little intensity feel sexual or romantic attraction.

Demimantic or demisexual: A person who can only feel sexually or romantically attracted to someone with whom they already have a close relationship is referred to as “demisexual” or “demiromantic.”
Recipromantic or reciprosexual: These phrases describe someone who only feels sexually or romantically attracted to someone who initially felt that way about them.
Akinomantic or akiosexual: These phrases describe someone who experiences sexual or romantic desire yet does not wish for that attraction to be reciprocated.
Aceflux or aroflux: These phrases describe people whose potential for romantic or sexual desire varies throughout time.

One or more of these terms might describe who you are, and your identity might change over time.

Signs of Aromanticism or Asexuality

Every aromantic asexual individual is distinct, and everyone has varied experiences in relationships.

But if you’re asexual and aromantic, you might relate to one or more of the following:

You haven’t felt much desire for a romantic or sexual relationship with a particular person.
You have a hard time picturing what being in love feels like.
You have a hard time picturing what lust feels like.
You find it difficult to relate when other people talk about being attracted to someone romantically or sexually.
The prospect of engaging in sexual activity or being in a romantic relationship makes you feel neutral or maybe disgusted.
You’re unsure if your desire for relationships or having sex is solely motivated by social expectations.

Being Asexual and Aromantic in Relationships

Depending on their feelings, aromantic asexual people may still engage in romantic or sexual interactions. After all, there are numerous reasons to have sex with someone or start a relationship; it’s not just because you’re attracted to them.

Keep in mind that being asexual or aromantic does not exclude a person from experiencing love or commitment. People may desire sexual activity for reasons other than sexual attraction, including:

providing or receiving enjoyment,
relationship with their partner,
sign of affection,
potential for children.

In a similar way, individuals might desire romantic connections independent of sexual attraction in order to:

parent together with someone,
commit to someone they love,
encourage one another emotionally.

Not Wanting a Relationship or Sex

To be happy, you don’t need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship. Social support is crucial, yet you may obtain it by developing close friendships and family ties, which everyone can do, whether or not they are in love relationships.

The term “queerplatonic relationships,” which describes close relationships that aren’t necessarily romantic or sexual, may be preferred by some asexual or aromantic individuals. They have a stronger bond than a typical friendship.

For instance, a queerplatonic partnership can entail co-parenting, providing emotional and social support for one another, or splitting costs and obligations.

Similarly, there are instances where people can be sex-favorable or aesthetically attracted to one another, such as doing a hobby together, so it feels like a bond, yet behaviors do not go further.

It’s acceptable to not want to have sex. It doesn’t imply that there is a problem with you or that there is a problem you need to resolve. Some asexuals engage in both sex and masturbation, while some people don’t engage in sexual activity.

Asexual individuals could be:

Sex-averse people are those who don’t want to have sex and find the idea repulsive (for example, think of someone you love as a mentor, yet you are not sexually attracted to them).
Sex-indifferent individuals lack strong feelings regarding sex in either direction.
Sex-favorable if they enjoy some sex-related activities and don’t feel sexual attraction.

It’s possible for people to notice that their attitudes toward sex change throughout time and with each particular person they are interacting with.

In Final Words

If you are asexual or aromantic, it’s completely alright as long as you are okay with it. If being asexual or aromantic is having you feel negative or frustrated and you want to change that, you can reach out to a therapist or a mental health professional who specialize in this. You can also get trained by a specialized educator that we approved, like Aubri Lancaster.

Be sure when you look on their website or forms, they include terms that you have seen. They have to have a general understanding of identity to be effective.

Also, keep in mind that none of these two terms, or any term mentioned in this article, is permanent. The way you feel about sex, love, and relationships can change throughout your life and with each person. Therefore, giving yourself the chance to understand better how you feel is more important than memorizing these terms. After all, how you feel matters!

Check Out All Our Additional Sex Therapy Video

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About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Your Ultimate Guide To LGBTQ Mental Health

May 16, 2022/in Health, LGBTQIA2+/by Amanda Pasciucco

Your Ultimate Guide To LGBTQ Mental Health

LGBTQ mental health is something that needs more attention. Members of this community have been experiencing a range of mental health issues, from anxiety and self-harm to considering suicide. Both adolescents and adults are more likely to experience any of the mental issue symptoms than a person who is not a part of the LGBTQ community.

Many alarming statistics on LGBTQ mental health have been published in the past few years, showing the urge to put a spotlight on this issue. Learning where and how to find adequate mental health services is crucial. Also, educating yourself about common issues and conditions, risk factors, symptoms, and everything else related to mental health can help anyone experiencing these issues.

Common LGBTQ Mental Health Issues

There are several mental health issues the LGBTQ community needs to be aware of. Unfortunately, most of these issues stem from the discrimination and oppression LGBTQ people will experience throughout their lives. It is essential to distinguish that we are not talking here about mental health disorders, rather about mental health struggles a member of this community might face.

It’s not uncommon for a person within the LGBTQIA2+ community to experience fear or shame that adds to their existing struggle with mental health. Other common LGBTQIA2+ mental health issues include:

Depression or depressive symptoms,
Anxiety,
Having suicidal thoughts or attempts.

Being more aware of these mental health issues helps the entire society to have a better idea of how to help and where to find adequate help a person needs.

LGBTQ Mental Health Risk Factors

Numerous risk factors can potentially affect those in the LGBTQ community. Psychologists agree that LGBTQ individuals are at higher risk of experiencing depression, anxiety, substance use disorder, unemployment, homelessness, and suicidality. Besides the coming out process, many other difficult situations can cause additional stress for a young person.

Mental health outcomes for LGBTQ are poorer than for the heterosexual community. There is also always a chance of issues of bias in discrimination when in therapy. That is why finding an LGBTQ therapist who can offer valuable guidance, reassurance, and advice to help individuals navigate these situations without triggering anxiety is important.

Coming Out

Undoubtedly, there is an increase in social acceptance for the LGBTQ community, yet coming out is not a pleasant experience for most members. Those who live in unsupportive environments fear their social experiences after coming out contribute to negative mental health consequences.

Trauma from Discrimination

Many LGBTQ young adults experience some form of discrimination during their life, whether homophobia, transphobia, LGBTQ bullying, or something else. These all discrimination types can contribute to identity-based shame, which causes trauma in LGBTQ individuals. They will experience feeling labeled, denied opportunities, verbal, mental, or physical abuse, etc. Sometimes, this trauma leads to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Rejection

Fearing rejection or being rejected after coming out is a painful experience. When fearing rejection or being rejected by a family member or a close friend, the impact of it can be traumatic and very difficult to heal from. There are many benefits from talking to an LGBTQ therapist who can help set boundaries and protect yourself from this fear or unpleasant experience.

Homelessness

Although not so much talked about, there is a much higher chance to become homeless in a lifetime if you are an LGBTQ individual. Several struggles an LGBTQ person will face are contributing to this, such as family rejection, discrimination at work/school or home, and an increased chance of abuse. When a person is left alone or needs to protect themselves from their family or friends because of lack of acceptance, they are faced with complex life challenges that might result in homelessness.

Substance Use or Abuse

Members of the LGBTQ community are more likely to use or abuse substances. As an LGBTQ adolescent or young adult might feel anxiety about their identity and how others will accept them, they are more likely to consider substance use than those identifying themselves as heterosexual. Oftentimes, a person with this experience will benefit from group or individual therapy to learn how to manage addiction, unravel the pain that might be under it, and learn healthier coping techniques.

Why LGBTQ Therapy?

Inadequate mental health care is common for the LGBTQ community. The issue derives from the fact that many therapists will address their patient’s sexual orientation or gender identity along with the mental health issue and combine them into one large issue. Generalizing might prevent therapists from providing adequate mental health as not all LGBTQ patients have the same personality, issues, and coping mechanisms.

An LGBTQ therapist will treat the individual by focusing on the particular challenges they are facing. Conditions they have experienced, and suggest a therapy based on that. For any therapy to be efficient, it needs to be based on the individual’s needs and goals.

Not to mention that other relevant factors like economic status, race, and various identity factors might have a strong impact on the type of care someone might receive. With therapy being incredibly beneficial. It is important to address these issues to ensure everyone finds the mental health care they need.

In Final Words

Although there is much more acceptance in society. There is still much work to be done to make everyone in the LGBTQ community feel equally included. If you’re experiencing one of the symptoms or feelings we’ve mentioned in this article or know someone who does. We suggest searching for an LGBTQ therapist nearby.

An LGBTQIA2+ therapist helps LGBTQIA2+ individuals share their experiences, talk about feelings and fears. And learn techniques that help them enjoy their life without anxiety, depression. Or any of the mentioned mental health issues.

Another beneficial way for an LGBTQIA2+ person experiencing mental health issues is to talk openly about how they feel. And what they need from the people around them. Whether this article is for you, a friend. Or a family member, conversation with those you care about is the first step to accepting yourself. And sharing an authentic version of yourself with those who matter to you.

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About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Supporting A Transgender Teen and Family in Transitioning

May 19, 2021/in Gender, LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle/by Nicole Scrivano

Supporting A Transgender Teen and Their Family in Transitioning

Part of our work at Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is supporting transgender teen clients and their families to adjust. Coming out as a transgender teen is a process.

Often, it is complex for teens and their families, because it is a transition for the entire family system.

Basic Terms

Identifying as transgender is when someone is born as male or female and ascribed a gender of boy or girl at birth based on their genitals. When someone is transgender it means that they do not feel the gender ascribed to them at birth is accurate.

Non-binary, gender creative, and gender expansive individuals are people who do not ascribe to the gender binary of male/female or man/woman. These individuals typically see gender as fluid or do not ascribe to one gender at all.

Dead name refers to the name the individual was given at birth, not the name the individual chooses as they come out.

Pronouns are the way a person identifies. The most common pronouns are: she/her, they/them, he/him, ze/zir. When someone misgenders someone it is when someone uses the incorrect pronoun. This happens often when people come out as transgender or non-binary. The deliberate misuse and misgendering causes significant harm to the individual coming out.

Due to our society adjusting our perspectives on the LGBTQ+ community, we have made head way in seeing the people are able to come out earlier in their life (usually in adolescence where identity is a primary developmental task) thus allowing them to lead healthier adult lives. I will say it 10000 times that these outcomes are based on how the community, family, and close individuals around the person coming out respond or react to them coming out.

If you are a close friend or family member of someone in the LGBTQ community, especially within the gender non-conforming or transgender population, it is incredibly important for you to learn and understand how your response can cause harm to the individual coming out.

Transitioning the Family

For the family, adjusting to their teenage family member using a different name and pronoun can be incredibly difficult. Even in the most supportive environments this is complicated. If you had any beliefs that may make the circumstance less supportive it can result in massive issues for the teen themselves and the family.

One of the most important things to do as a family member is to work through the grief you have. Grief is a normal part of any major changes in someone’s life, this is no different. What I see most in families is the need to grief what they expected and how to integrate that with who the teen is and the memories they have with them.

The most common thing I see in families is people not addressing their grief and projecting (putting it on) those around them, especially the transgender teen who is coming out. This looks like making it about themselves, arguing about what pronoun is appropriate, using the teens name vs. dead naming them, or misgendering. This makes someones coming out experience about you rather than the person coming out, which is a problem.

To be extremely clear, I am not saying you should not address your own personal feelings, grief, and experience – in fact I am saying the opposite. HOWEVER, this should be done NOT with the person who is coming out. The person coming out has enough of their own stuff to deal than trying to help you manage your experience and reaction to this. I would suggest finding a therapist or joining a support group where you can process your feelings and experiences safely without causing harm to the person who is coming out.

Progress not Perfection

It is okay if you are having a difficult time with your teen transitioning. However, it is not okay to take that confusion out on those around.

Family and friends do not have to be perfect. Yet, if you mess up – OWN IT. Owning can look like a simple “I am sorry.” Or owning it means asking clarification! Similarly, it could be learning more about transitioning through finding helpful resources.

This does not look like making it about yourself or justifying why you did what you did. Please, do not have the individual coming out teach you before you do research.

taking accountability
asking for clarification
apologizing
doing your research.

Please, try your best to respect someone’s name and pronouns.

Think about how as a culture we shift last names of those that are married or when celebrities change their name. Therefore, an individual can use the same cognitive shifts for those in their life.

If you are finding it challenging or difficult please seek support from a professional to deconstruct why that is.

You are not perfect, I do not ever expect perfection from my clients. I do expect progress tho. Progress not perfection.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

What is Gender Dysphoria?

March 24, 2021/in Gender, LGBTQIA2+/by Nicole Scrivano

What is Gender Dysphoria?

Gender dysphoria is the term used when someone experiences distress from their body based on their gender identity or expression.

In other words, someone who was born biologically one sex and assigned a specific gender. If this person feels distressed surrounding their body, genitals, and / or other aspects of their body. Anything that may amplify their biological sex or gender assigned at birth may cause more gender dysphoria.

The Basics:

Biological sex is determined based on genital presentation at birth (usually male or female) and then there is a “labeled” or assigned a gender based on that (for example: girl or boy).

For some individuals, as they age throughout their life (and even as early as childhood), they do not identify with their assigned gender.

Someone’s gender identity is what someone experiences as their gender. Whereas someone’s gender expression is how someone shows their gender through dress, hair, make up, etc.

When someone’s assigned gender does not feel congruent with their gender identity, it often results in gender dysphoria.

This distress is common in folks who are gender non-conforming. Therefore, the result may lead to individuals engaging in gender affirmation treatments (such as surgeries, using hormones, or binding, etc.)

What are the symptoms of Gender Dysphoria?

Here is what gender dysphoria may look like:

Feelings that your biological sex does not match your gender identity
Feeling comfort with another gendered experience than what was assigned at birth
Strong desire to hide and / or get rid of physical signs of your sex
Discomfort around genitals or chest
Insistence of being a different gender
Distress while physical changes are happening during puberty (not typical experiences of hormones changing or mood swings, etc)

Although these may be the most common or obvious ways that dysphoria can be seen. This brief list does not cover the whole scope of what could be experienced by others’ experience of gender dysphoria.

How to Get or Give Support

Gender dysphoria is a complicated concept for many to understand and requires a level of competence and / or education to be able to support.

Individuals who are experiencing gender dysphoria often get discrimination for this. It is important to consider medical providers who have experience in this area.

Similarly, you can encourage someone that may be experiencing gender dysphoria to find new support systems and places where they are able to be themselves.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming?

October 28, 2020/in Gender, LGBTQIA2+/by Nicole Scrivano

Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming?

Gender conforming and gender non conforming are common words utilized in our society today. Read our blog post to learn more about Gender Expression and Gender Non Conforming.

What is Gender Conforming?

Gender conforming individuals are people who adhere to “normative” cultural standards surrounding gender expression.

This would be a woman dressing in feminine attire or what our culture would consider acceptable for a woman (dress, leggings, certain colors, skirt, heels, etc.) or a man dressing in “masculine” attire (pants, athletic gear, a suit, tshirts, etc).

The majority of our culture is “gender conforming” because that is what is expected and acceptable.

People, generally, like to feel connected and accepted in our culture so most people will follow or conform to what is “in style” or “appropriate” for their gender.

Gender conforming can also be defined as following the “rules” to your assigned gender at birth or your natal sex.

Some would not consider transgender people to be gender conforming, even if they are wearing clothes that match their gender.

Most of the clients and the majority of individuals in our world are gender conforming.

What I work on with these clients is challenging these “normative” beliefs in order for them to assess what truly is comfortable for them so that it is a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one.

So often when we conform, we do not think, we just do without being conscious.

Whatever your choice is, I want you to realize it is a choice.

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative Individuals

Gender non-conforming individuals have gender expression that does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in for attire. For example, someone who presents as a woman yet is shopping for herself in the men’s department.

Additionally, individuals who are gender non-conforming may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. Some people may present more neutral or androgenous, whereas others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal part of them that they are embodying.

People who are gender creatives may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities such as non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, gender bending, gender non-conforming, or something else.

For the clients that I work with who are gender creatives, often have a strong sense of internal identity and also really connect with the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Others do not connect to either at all.

Gender Conforming, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression are NORMAL!

To be clear, there is nothing clinically problematic or concerning about gender expression or being gender conforming AT ALL.

The individuals who see licensed clinicians like me and are gender non-confomring yet are seeing me for a completely different reason (and just want an identity-affirming therapist).

As you may imagine, someone who is not conforming to societal norms experiences a lot of unique stressors, and with gender expression being something that you “show” the world – it creates a lot of difficulty due to people’s hate and inability to learn and grow.

Regardless of how you express your gender, whether you conform or not, at LCAT, we see you and we are here to help provide a safe, comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and learn and grow to be in your best empowered self!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding.

Join us on your healing journey.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

What does Queer Mean?

October 5, 2020/in LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle/by Amanda Pasciucco

What Does Queer Mean? LCAT founder Amanda Pasciucco and therapist Nicole Scrivano were interviewed by Cosmopolitan Magazine to help explain its meaning.

Written by SOPHIE SAINT THOMAS and CARINA HSIEH

What does queer mean?

Queerness is an umbrella term that is both an orientation and a community for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?

While you might’ve heard the word used as an insult, the term “queer” has recently been reclaimed by the community to be empowering and create a sense of community, rather than deragatory, says Amanda Pasciucco, AASECT certified sex therapist.

Who falls under the “queer” umbrella?

To Pasciucco, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. She adds that the term queer indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (also sometimes called “questioning”), intersex, and or asexual, aka the LGBTQIA+ community. For Pasciucco herself, she also utilizes the + sign when referring to the queer community, to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals, and even those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy.

However, the definition of queerness also varies depending on who you ask. As Pasciucco explains herself, “To be clear, as a person who is mostly in other sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus, ought to be included in the community.” The word queer is intentionally vague (more on that below) and with such vagueness also comes different interpretations.

Is “queer” a sexual identity or a gender identity or can it be both?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s dynamic and a fluid movement, “beyond the binary of cisgender and hetereonormativity.” Queerness is intersectional! As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues and an LMFT, explained in a blog post:

“as queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

READ NICOLE’S ENTIRE BLOG ON QUEER WOMEN

To help clarify the definition of queer some more, here’s a firsthand account from writer Sophie Saint Thomas on identifying as queer and more about the word:

“I’m queer,” I told my Tinder match, who was an extremely hot straight dude. When that confused him, I added, “…and bisexual.” I date people of all genders, but my queer identity is so much more than a label to clarify who I date and have sex with. He seemed relieved to know that sex with him was still on the table and that queer wasn’t a synonym for gay, which, even in 2019, can still confuse the best of us.

Queer is a word that clarifies that I’m not straight and ties me to the larger queer community, but it doesn’t categorize me as gay. The vagueness of the term is intentional— queer is an identity created for anyone outside of the heterosexual norm and meant to be inclusive and create a sense of acceptance. But what, exactly, does it mean to be queer? Could you be queer? To clarify what the term means, Cosmo spoke with Kelly Wise, PhD, a queer sex therapist, about how queer evolved from a gay slur to an encompassing—and even welcoming—word used by folks all across the LGBTQ spectrum (and, controversially, even some straight folks too).

Queer is an umbrella term

Language evolves with society, often due to the brute force and fierceness of those who wish to see change. Such is the case for queer, a term predominantly used by the LGBTQ community to stake a contrast from mainstream, heteronormative society. “When I think about ‘queer,’ I just think ‘different,’” Wise says.

While all labels used to describe one’s sexual orientation are unique to the individual, unlike homosexual (an attraction to the opposite gender), queer is an umbrella term that can be used by anyone under the LGBTQ spectrum. Queer conveys both an orientation and a sense of community.

“The community aspect states, ‘Because we’re all different, we can celebrate our differences. I can accept you for who you are, and there’s power in numbers,’” Wise says. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.” Some folks who fall somewhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer rather than bisexual (attraction to both your own gender and genders other than your own) or pansexual (attraction regardless of gender). Others will use both and introduce themselves as “bisexual and queer,” for instance. The term queer is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

Say it with pride

The celebration and use of the word queer is one of reclamation. Not too long ago, queer was still used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says. “The reclamation of the word is like, ‘This is who I am. We don’t need to be like everyone else; let’s celebrate our differences, and don’t try to put me in any sort of box of who you need me to be because I’ll continuously try to break down the boxes.” It is worth noting that while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history.

Despite the progress, the word queer isn’t without controversy—some people within polyamorous or kink communities identify as “queer” even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean that there’s not some queer aspect of you,” Wise says.

While some agree that polyamorous sexualities count as “different” (and therefore “queer”) others feel that for a straight, poly person to describe themselves as queer is piggy-backing on decades of LGBTQ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities. But to keep it simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQ umbrella, rather than the heterosexual norm. There are as many ways to identify as queer as there are people who do so—so if you feel you may be queer and want to own that, go forth with pride.

Read the full article to learn more about what queer means.

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

September 16, 2020/in Gender, Health, LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle/by Nicole Scrivano

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative individuals are people whose gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female within our society.

You may wonder what is gender non-conforming or what does it mean when people are gender creative?

In our society, we commonly categorize individuals as male or female.

Therefore, those people who identify themselves as either side of the binary are expected to conform to a particular style and behavior.

Someone who identifies as female is expected to wear “feminine” clothing such as dresses, leggings, skirts, specific shirts, etc. Females are also assumed to wear makeup, have longer hair, and no facial hair.

Those who identify themselves as male are expected to wear “masculine” clothing such as sports attire, pants, more solid colors, and usually not bright clothing. These are some of the “rules” that are gender conformity.

When an individual does not ascribe to these set of rules or engages in shifting gender expressive play (through clothing, makeup, etc), this is breaking gender conformity or the binary.

Gender non-conforming individuals are those we are focusing on here.

There are a variety of ways people can choose to break gender conformity through the varying ways gender is expressed.

Some common options are:

Mannerisms
Dress and attire
Makeup
Hair style
Accessories

Individuals who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine.

Some people who identify as non-conforming may present more neutral or androgenous, while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire.

People who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities.

These identities can include, yet are not limited to:

Non-binary
Gender queer
Gender fluid
Gender bending
Gender non-conforming
Or something else.

The important thing is learning to understand each person’s identity and not making assumptions about those you meet.

If you are wanting to learn more about someone’s identity, be sure you are doing it for them and their comfort, rather than for your own needs. This is often a good place to start by knowing your intentions.

You can also seek therapy or reputable sources who can help support you in learning and understanding.

It is your own responsibility to learn more rather than anyone in the community teaching you. Seek a professional if you need, that specializes in this area of focus.

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Queer Women

August 26, 2020/in LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle/by Nicole Scrivano

Queer Women

Queer women are wonderful. Even though I may be biased that queer women are wonderful, hear me out and let me explain the why!

What does Queer even mean?

Back in the day being dubbed “queer” was a slur and negative.

People used that to insult people in the LGBTQ+ community or to insult someone’s perceived identity (often feminine men).

Recently, we as a community have reclaimed the term “queer” to be empowering and create a sense of community rather than as an insult.

When you hear the word queer (not “what a queer” or “you are sucha queer” those are still negative), it indicates someone within the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, etc (LGBTQ+) community.

The word queer encapsulates for many relational, sexual, and gender identties.

Queer Women

So queer women are people who identify as women and are on some piece of the LGBTQ+ community spectrum.

As queer women, we come in a variety forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc.

Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc.

Often queer women, specifically “lesbians” are boiled down to either being super “butch” or about lesbian orgasms. Some queer women are butch, many like to orgasm, but in my experience queer women show up in so many different ways. Please do not boil us down that simply.

Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity. In my practice, I work with many queer women. As a queer woman, it is amazing to learn the diversity of this part of my community.

Not one of us is the exact same, but we all seem to intersect in some way or another.

This intersectionality is important in our collective growth, and learning from one another allows us to reach new levels of empowerment and discovery.

I learn so much from my queer clients, in general, and my clients who identify as queer women.

Being able to break the stereotypes, defy the patriarchy, and show up and be who we are is an empowering process to be a part of.

I have so much pride to know and work with them on this collective, healing journey towards growth and empowerment.

Collective Healing

In my practice, I have bore witness to collective trauma of the queer community.

This includes, yet is not limited to queer women.

The intersection of the identity as “queer” and “woman” has created a unique experience for queer women. The intersection of sexism and homophobia and if they are people of color add racism in the mix.

Bearing witness to the pain, the hurt, the trauma is heartbreaking. These brave women, who have fought and been harmed by a system of oppression.

This harm has reverberated through their beings and they are wanting to heal.

It is so sad to hear the stories of failed attempts at therapy – not on their part – but on the therapists part.

Therapists have tried to hold space for them and their experiences but were far beyond their depth in being able to facilitate a space to heal or to recognize the intersections of systems of play that were continuing their trauma as queer women.

When we (collectively) are able to hold space for queer women in therapy, where we recognize the various intersections and systems at play, we allow for the trauma and harm to be confronted in a way that allows for healing.

As therapists, it is our job to work towards facilitating a space of healing, growth, and change. In order to do that, we have to allow for the space to be one of vulnerability.

My hope is that through more therapists and clients being able to work together to create more spaces for (yet not limited to) queer women, we allow for collective healing and growth.

Queer women, I am sorry that in so many ways you have not felt seen or heard in the mental health field. I am sorry that in so many ways you were retraumatized in your experiences.

Although, I cannot take away that pain for you, I can offer a space in a practice where we are committed to growth, learning, social justice, and doing better!

We want to hear you, we want to see you, and we want to support you. We are here to empower you at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC. Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!