5 Things To Know About Your First Lesbian Relationship 

5 Things To Know About Your First Lesbian Relationship 

 

Being in your first lesbian relationship can be a beautiful time of growth and self-acceptance. It can also be a vulnerable time and bring up intense feelings. Your first lesbian relationship can be an opportunity for you to learn about yourself, your boundaries, and how you show up in your relationships. 

 

  • Your first lesbian relationship can be a time of self-discovery and acceptance 

Coming out can be beautiful and bring you closer to your authentic self. Many people feel more connected to themselves after understanding their sexuality and identity. Meaning, coming out gives many queer people community and understanding.  

Prior to coming out, many people in the LGBTQIA+ community “mask” or hide their true identity in order to survive. It can be a deeply liberating experience to share your identity with your loved ones and the world. In addition, when experiencing your first lesbian relationship, you finally get to experience attraction and love in the way that you may have yearned for in failed relationships with men. 

 

  • Your first lesbian relationship is a time to openly communicate with your partner and learn about each other’s boundaries. 

Your first lesbian relationship is a perfect time to practice relational skills such as open communication and boundaries. It can be very easy in the “honeymoon phase” of your first lesbian relationship to fall hard and fast. However, we need to be clear about where our boundaries lie around things like PDA, being shown on social media, and consent. 

Because of the unique intensity of a first lesbian relationship, this is especially important. Sit down with your partner, ask what their boundaries are, and have an open dialogue. This can make a world of difference in your relationship. 

 

  • Things can feel intense

Your first lesbian relationship may feel more intense than other relationships you have had in the past. This makes sense, as you may have only dated men whom you do not find attractive. Because of this, you may find yourself falling in love quickly and intensely. This is something to be mindful of before making long-term decisions after only knowing someone in the short term. 

“Uhauling” is a term used frequently in lesbian discourse that refers to the idea that lesbians will fall in love very quickly and move in with one another almost immediately (hence the “uhaul”). This term is often used in a humorous manner, but it is a real phenomenon that happens in lesbian relationships. 

 

  • Gender roles look different (or don’t apply)

If you are in a lesbian relationship for the first time, you may find yourself perplexed about navigating a relationship without gender roles. In queer relationships, gender roles are not as strictly defined. You may find yourself unclear about what tasks your partner expects of you and what you expect of them. This is another opportunity to get to know each other better by figuring out what works for you as a couple. 

Some lesbian couples will take on more traditional roles where one partner is the homemaker and the other partner works. Some couples will split things up more evenly around the home so that they can both prioritize their careers. It all depends on what works for you and your partner. 

 

  • Now is the time to build a support system

Navigating your first lesbian relationship can be emotionally challenging, and it is extremely important that you have people in your life who can help support you through this time. Friends and family who are safe and affirming can be integral steps to healing. It is very important to not solely rely on your partner to support you emotionally so that you don’t become isolated within your relationship. 

Many people in the LGBTQ+ community will find other people in the community to lean on at this time. 

 

One final thought

There is not nearly enough representation in the media for lesbians, and if you are struggling to navigate your first lesbian relationship, you are not alone. Consider seeking out an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist to help you navigate your emotions and connect you with others in your community. 

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know Melody Atkinson, LMFT-A by making an appointment. Her pecialization is in trauma-informed practices, alternative methods to explore ADHD, LGBTQIA+ relationships, and identity.

Start your journey here with Melody.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

Aromantic or Asexual: What is The Difference?

Aromantic or Asexual: What is The Difference?

 

Asexuality and aromantic don’t have the same meanings. As the terms imply, asexual individuals have little to no sexual attraction, whereas aromantic people have little to no romantic attraction. Each of these terms has several variations as well, meaning that not all people with little or no sexual attraction are immediately asexual. The same goes for aromantics. Those who are asexual are commonly known as “ace” and those who identify as aromantic use the term “aro.” 

Some people claim to be both asexual and aromantic. There are times that someone who is panromantic and is in love with another, for an aesthetic reason, yet may not find them sexually attractive. 

Therefore, just because you identify with one of these concepts doesn’t mean you do so with the other. To understand it better, let’s dive deeper. 

The Meaning of Asexuality

People who are asexual rarely or never feel sexual attraction. In other words, they experience little or no desire to engage in sexual activity with others. Since asexuality is a  spectrum, some asexuals are more attracted to other people sexually than others.

It’s possible to have sex with someone without feeling sexually attracted to them, thus this doesn’t imply that asexual individuals never engage in sexual activity. While some members of the asexual community refrain from having sex, others who are asexual could still have sex for a variety of reasons. Asexuals do not feel sexual attraction, while allosexual individuals do. 

The Meaning of Aromantic

Few or no romantic attractions are felt by aromantic individuals. Wanting to be in a committed relationship with someone is what romantic attraction is all about. A romantic connection can mean different things to different people.

Even though they don’t sense romantic attraction for a particular person, some aromantic individuals may have romantic relationships or may still want one. Someone who does not experience romantic attraction is the opposite of an aromantic. Alloromantic refers to this kind of individual.

Being Aromantic Asexual (aro, ace) 

Not all aromantic individuals are asexual, and not all asexual people are aromantic; nevertheless, some people are both.

Aromantic and asexual people rarely, if ever, feel sexual or romantic desire. However, that doesn’t mean they never form romantic attachments or engage in sexual activity. An individual who considers themselves to be both asexual and aromantic may fall entirely on different ends of either spectrum.

Asexuality and Aromantics: Other Terms 

Other words are also used to define people’s sexual and romantic identities. A few of the identities that fall under the asexual or aromantic category are:

  • Grayromantic or graysexual: One who only occasionally feels sexual or romantic desire is referred to as “graysexual” or “grayromantic.” They may only occasionally or with very little intensity feel sexual or romantic attraction.
  • Demimantic or demisexual: A person who can only feel sexually or romantically attracted to someone with whom they already have a close relationship is referred to as “demisexual” or “demiromantic.”
  • Recipromantic or reciprosexual: These phrases describe someone who only feels sexually or romantically attracted to someone who initially felt that way about them.
  • Akinomantic or akiosexual: These phrases describe someone who experiences sexual or romantic desire yet does not wish for that attraction to be reciprocated.
  • Aceflux or aroflux: These phrases describe people whose potential for romantic or sexual desire varies throughout time.

One or more of these terms might describe who you are, and your identity might change over time.

Signs of Aromanticism or Asexuality

Every aromantic asexual individual is distinct, and everyone has varied experiences in relationships.

But if you’re asexual and aromantic, you might relate to one or more of the following:

  • You haven’t felt much desire for a romantic or sexual relationship with a particular person.
  • You have a hard time picturing what being in love feels like.
  • You have a hard time picturing what lust feels like.
  • You find it difficult to relate when other people talk about being attracted to someone romantically or sexually.
  • The prospect of engaging in sexual activity or being in a romantic relationship makes you feel neutral or maybe disgusted.
  • You’re unsure if your desire for relationships or having sex is solely motivated by social expectations.

Being Asexual and Aromantic in Relationships

Depending on their feelings, aromantic asexual people may still engage in romantic or sexual interactions. After all, there are numerous reasons to have sex with someone or start a relationship; it’s not just because you’re attracted to them.

Keep in mind that being asexual or aromantic does not exclude a person from experiencing love or commitment. People may desire sexual activity for reasons other than sexual attraction, including:

  • providing or receiving enjoyment,
  • relationship with their partner,
  • sign of affection,
  • potential for children.

In a similar way, individuals might desire romantic connections independent of sexual attraction in order to:

  • parent together with someone,
  • commit to someone they love,
  • encourage one another emotionally.

Not Wanting a Relationship or Sex

To be happy, you don’t need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship. Social support is crucial, yet you may obtain it by developing close friendships and family ties, which everyone can do, whether or not they are in love relationships.

The term “queerplatonic relationships,” which describes close relationships that aren’t necessarily romantic or sexual, may be preferred by some asexual or aromantic individuals. They have a stronger bond than a typical friendship.

For instance, a queerplatonic partnership can entail co-parenting, providing emotional and social support for one another, or splitting costs and obligations. 

Similarly, there are instances where people can be sex-favorable or aesthetically attracted to one another, such as doing a hobby together, so it feels like a bond, yet behaviors do not go further. 

It’s acceptable to not want to have sex. It doesn’t imply that there is a problem with you or that there is a problem you need to resolve. Some asexuals engage in both sex and masturbation, while some people don’t engage in sexual activity.

Asexual individuals could be:

  • Sex-averse people are those who don’t want to have sex and find the idea repulsive (for example, think of someone you love as a mentor, yet you are not sexually attracted to them). 
  • Sex-indifferent individuals lack strong feelings regarding sex in either direction.
  • Sex-favorable if they enjoy some sex-related activities and don’t feel sexual attraction.

It’s possible for people to notice that their attitudes toward sex change throughout time and with each particular person they are interacting with.

In Final Words

If you are asexual or aromantic, it’s completely alright as long as you are okay with it. If being asexual or aromantic is having you feel negative or frustrated and you want to change that, you can reach out to a therapist or a mental health professional who specialize in this. You can also get trained by a specialized educator that we approved, like Aubri Lancaster

Be sure when you look on their website or forms, they include terms that you have seen. They have to have a general understanding of identity to be effective. 

Also, keep in mind that none of these two terms, or any term mentioned in this article, is permanent. The way you feel about sex, love, and relationships can change throughout your life and with each person. Therefore, giving yourself the chance to understand better how you feel is more important than memorizing these terms. After all, how you feel matters! 

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About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Your Ultimate Guide To LGBTQ Mental Health

Your Ultimate Guide To LGBTQ Mental Health

 

LGBTQ mental health is something that needs more attention. Members of this community have been experiencing a range of mental health issues, from anxiety and self-harm to considering suicide. Both adolescents and adults are more likely to experience any of the mental issue symptoms than a person who is not a part of the LGBTQ community. 

Many alarming statistics on LGBTQ mental health have been published in the past few years, showing the urge to put a spotlight on this issue. Learning where and how to find adequate mental health services is crucial. Also, educating yourself about common issues and conditions, risk factors, symptoms, and everything else related to mental health can help anyone experiencing these issues. 

Common LGBTQ Mental Health Issues

There are several mental health issues the LGBTQ community needs to be aware of. Unfortunately, most of these issues stem from the discrimination and oppression LGBTQ people will experience throughout their lives. It is essential to distinguish that we are not talking here about mental health disorders, rather about mental health struggles a member of this community might face. 

It’s not uncommon for a person within the LGBTQIA2+ community to experience fear or shame that adds to their existing struggle with mental health. Other common LGBTQIA2+ mental health issues include:

  • Depression or depressive symptoms,
  • Anxiety,
  • Having suicidal thoughts or attempts.

Being more aware of these mental health issues helps the entire society to have a better idea of how to help and where to find adequate help a person needs. 

LGBTQ Mental Health Risk Factors 

Numerous risk factors can potentially affect those in the LGBTQ community. Psychologists agree that LGBTQ individuals are at higher risk of experiencing depression, anxiety, substance use disorder, unemployment, homelessness, and suicidality. Besides the coming out process, many other difficult situations can cause additional stress for a young person. 

Mental health outcomes for LGBTQ are poorer than for the heterosexual community. There is also always a chance of issues of bias in discrimination when in therapy. That is why finding an LGBTQ therapist who can offer valuable guidance, reassurance, and advice to help individuals navigate these situations without triggering anxiety is important.

Coming Out

Undoubtedly, there is an increase in social acceptance for the LGBTQ community, yet coming out is not a pleasant experience for most members. Those who live in unsupportive environments fear their social experiences after coming out contribute to negative mental health consequences. 

Trauma from Discrimination

Many LGBTQ young adults experience some form of discrimination during their life, whether homophobia, transphobia, LGBTQ bullying, or something else. These all discrimination types can contribute to identity-based shame, which causes trauma in LGBTQ individuals. They will experience feeling labeled, denied opportunities, verbal, mental, or physical abuse, etc. Sometimes, this trauma leads to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Rejection

Fearing rejection or being rejected after coming out is a painful experience. When fearing rejection or being rejected by a family member or a close friend, the impact of it can be traumatic and very difficult to heal from. There are many benefits from talking to an LGBTQ therapist who can help set boundaries and protect yourself from this fear or unpleasant experience. 

Homelessness

Although not so much talked about, there is a much higher chance to become homeless in a lifetime if you are an LGBTQ individual. Several struggles an LGBTQ person will face are contributing to this, such as family rejection, discrimination at work/school or home, and an increased chance of abuse. When a person is left alone or needs to protect themselves from their family or friends because of lack of acceptance, they are faced with complex life challenges that might result in homelessness. 

Substance Use or Abuse

Members of the LGBTQ community are more likely to use or abuse substances. As an LGBTQ adolescent or young adult might feel anxiety about their identity and how others will accept them, they are more likely to consider substance use than those identifying themselves as heterosexual. Oftentimes, a person with this experience will benefit from group or individual therapy to learn how to manage addiction, unravel the pain that might be under it, and learn healthier coping techniques. 

Why LGBTQ Therapy?

Inadequate mental health care is common for the LGBTQ community. The issue derives from the fact that many therapists will address their patient’s sexual orientation or gender identity along with the mental health issue and combine them into one large issue. Generalizing might prevent therapists from providing adequate mental health as not all LGBTQ patients have the same personality, issues, and coping mechanisms. 

An LGBTQ therapist will treat the individual by focusing on the particular challenges they are facing. Conditions they have experienced, and suggest a therapy based on that. For any therapy to be efficient, it needs to be based on the individual’s needs and goals.

Not to mention that other relevant factors like economic status, race, and various identity factors might have a strong impact on the type of care someone might receive. With therapy being incredibly beneficial. It is important to address these issues to ensure everyone finds the mental health care they need. 

In Final Words

Although there is much more acceptance in society. There is still much work to be done to make everyone in the LGBTQ community feel equally included. If you’re experiencing one of the symptoms or feelings we’ve mentioned in this article or know someone who does. We suggest searching for an LGBTQ therapist nearby. 

An LGBTQIA2+ therapist helps LGBTQIA2+ individuals share their experiences, talk about feelings and fears. And learn techniques that help them enjoy their life without anxiety, depression. Or any of the mentioned mental health issues.

Another beneficial way for an LGBTQIA2+ person experiencing mental health issues is to talk openly about how they feel. And what they need from the people around them. Whether this article is for you, a friend. Or a family member, conversation with those you care about is the first step to accepting yourself. And sharing an authentic version of yourself with those who matter to you.

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About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Transgender Teen

Supporting A Transgender Teen and Family in Transitioning 

Supporting A Transgender Teen and Their Family in Transitioning

 

Part of our work at Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is supporting transgender teen clients and their families to adjust. Coming out as a transgender teen is a process.

Often, it is complex for teens and their families, because it is a transition for the entire family system.

 

Basic Terms

Identifying as transgender is when someone is born as male or female and ascribed a gender of boy or girl at birth based on their genitals. When someone is transgender it means that they do not feel the gender ascribed to them at birth is accurate. 

Non-binary, gender creative, and gender expansive individuals are people who do not ascribe to the gender binary of male/female or man/woman. These individuals typically see gender as fluid or do not ascribe to one gender at all. 

Dead name refers to the name the individual was given at birth, not the name the individual chooses as they come out. 

Pronouns  are the way a person identifies. The most common pronouns are: she/her, they/them, he/him, ze/zir. When someone misgenders someone it is when someone uses the incorrect pronoun. This happens often when people come out as transgender or non-binary. The deliberate misuse and misgendering causes significant harm to the individual coming out.

Due to our society adjusting our perspectives on the LGBTQ+ community, we have made head way in seeing the people are able to come out earlier in their life (usually in adolescence where identity is a primary developmental task) thus allowing them to lead healthier adult lives. I will say it 10000 times that these outcomes are based on how the community, family, and close individuals around the person coming out respond or react to them coming out. 

If you are a close friend or family member of someone in the LGBTQ community, especially within the gender non-conforming or transgender population, it is incredibly important for you to learn and understand how your response can cause harm to the individual coming out. 

 

Transitioning the Family

For the family, adjusting to their teenage family member using a different name and pronoun can be incredibly difficult. Even in the most supportive environments this is complicated. If you had any beliefs that may make the circumstance less supportive it can result in massive issues for the teen themselves and the family. 

One of the most important things to do as a family member is to work through the grief you have. Grief is a normal part of any major changes in someone’s life, this is no different. What I see most in families is the need to grief what they expected and how to integrate that with who the teen is and the memories they have with them. 

The most common thing I see in families is people not addressing their grief and projecting (putting it on) those around them, especially the transgender teen who is coming out. This looks like making it about themselves, arguing about what pronoun is appropriate, using the teens name vs. dead naming them, or misgendering. This makes someones coming out experience about you rather than the person coming out, which is a problem.

To be extremely clear, I am not saying you should not address your own personal feelings, grief, and experience – in fact I am saying the opposite. HOWEVER, this should be done NOT with the person who is coming out. The person coming out has enough of their own stuff to deal than trying to help you manage your experience and reaction to this. I would suggest finding a therapist or joining a support group where you can process your feelings and experiences safely without causing harm to the person who is coming out. 

 

Progress not Perfection

It is okay if you are having a difficult time with your teen transitioning. However, it is not okay to take that confusion out on those around. 

Family and friends do not have to be perfect. Yet, if you mess up – OWN IT. Owning can look like a simple “I am sorry.” Or owning it means asking clarification! Similarly, it could be learning more about transitioning through finding helpful resources. 

This does not look like making it about yourself or justifying why you did what you did. Please, do not have the individual coming out teach you before you do research.  

  • taking accountability
  • asking for clarification
  • apologizing
  • doing your research.

 

Please, try your best to respect someone’s name and pronouns. 

Think about how as a culture we shift last names of those that are married or when celebrities change their name. Therefore, an individual can use the same cognitive shifts for those in their life.

If you are finding it challenging or difficult please seek support from a professional to deconstruct why that is.

You are not perfect, I do not ever expect perfection from my clients. I do expect progress tho. Progress not perfection.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

What is Gender Dysphoria? 

What is Gender Dysphoria? 

 

Gender dysphoria is the term used when someone experiences distress from their body based on their gender identity or expression. 

 

In other words, someone who was born biologically one sex and assigned a specific gender. If this person feels distressed surrounding their body, genitals, and / or other aspects of their body. Anything that may amplify their biological sex or gender assigned at birth may cause more gender dysphoria. 

 

The Basics: 

 

Biological sex is determined based on genital presentation at birth (usually male or female) and then there is a “labeled” or assigned a gender based on that (for example: girl or boy). 

 

For some individuals, as they age throughout their life (and even as early as childhood), they do not identify with their assigned gender. 

 

Someone’s gender identity is what someone experiences as their gender. Whereas someone’s gender expression is how someone shows their gender through dress, hair, make up, etc.

 

When someone’s assigned gender does not feel congruent with their gender identity, it often results in gender dysphoria. 

 

This distress is common in folks who are gender non-conforming. Therefore, the result may lead to individuals engaging in gender affirmation treatments (such as surgeries, using hormones, or binding, etc.) 

 

What are the symptoms of Gender Dysphoria?

 

Here is what gender dysphoria may look like: 

 

  • Feelings that your biological sex does not match your gender identity
  • Feeling comfort with another gendered experience than what was assigned at birth
  • Strong desire to hide and / or get rid of physical signs of your sex
  • Discomfort around genitals or chest
  • Insistence of being a different gender
  • Distress while physical changes are happening during puberty (not typical experiences of hormones changing or mood swings, etc)

 

Although these may be the most common or obvious ways that dysphoria can be seen. This brief list does not cover the whole scope of what could be experienced by others’ experience of gender dysphoria.

 

How to Get or Give Support

 

Gender dysphoria is a complicated concept for many to understand and requires a level of competence and / or education to be able to support. 

 

Individuals who are experiencing gender dysphoria often get discrimination for this. It is important to consider medical providers who have experience in this area. 

 

Similarly, you can encourage someone that may be experiencing gender dysphoria to find new support systems and places where they are able to be themselves. 

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

 

 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

Gender Conforming

Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming? 

Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming? 

 

Gender conforming and gender non conforming are common words utilized in our society today. Read our blog post to learn more about Gender Expression and Gender Non Conforming.

 

What is Gender Conforming?

Gender conforming individuals are people who adhere to “normative” cultural standards surrounding gender expression. 

This would be a woman dressing in feminine attire or what our culture would consider acceptable for a woman (dress, leggings, certain colors, skirt, heels, etc.) or a man dressing in “masculine” attire (pants, athletic gear, a suit, tshirts, etc). 

The majority of our culture is “gender conforming” because that is what is expected and acceptable. 

People, generally, like to feel connected and accepted in our culture so most people will follow or conform to what is “in style” or “appropriate” for their gender.

Gender conforming can also be defined as following the “rules”  to your assigned gender at birth or your natal sex. 

Some would not consider transgender people to be gender conforming, even if they are wearing clothes that match their gender. 

Most of the clients and the majority of individuals in our world are gender conforming. 

What I work on with these clients is challenging these “normative” beliefs in order for them to assess what truly is comfortable for them so that it is a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one. 

So often when we conform, we do not think, we just do without being conscious. 

Whatever your choice is, I want you to realize it is a choice.

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative Individuals

Gender non-conforming individuals have gender expression that does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in for attire. For example, someone who presents as a woman yet is shopping for herself in the men’s department. 

Additionally, individuals who are gender non-conforming may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. Some people may present more neutral or androgenous, whereas others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal part of them that they are embodying. 

People who are gender creatives may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities such as non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, gender bending, gender non-conforming, or something else. 

For the clients that I work with who are gender creatives, often have a strong sense of internal identity and also really connect with the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Others do not connect to either at all. 

 

Gender Conforming, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression are NORMAL!

To be clear, there is nothing clinically problematic or concerning about gender expression or being gender conforming AT ALL. 

The individuals who see licensed clinicians like me and are gender non-confomring yet are seeing me for a completely different reason (and just want an identity-affirming therapist).

As you may imagine, someone who is not conforming to societal norms experiences a lot of unique stressors, and with gender expression being something that you “show” the world – it creates a lot of difficulty due to people’s hate and inability to learn and grow. 

Regardless of how you express your gender, whether you conform or not, at LCAT, we see you and we are here to help provide a safe, comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and learn and grow to be in your best empowered self!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding. 

Join us on your healing journey. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

what does queer mean?

What does Queer Mean?

what does queer mean?

What Does Queer Mean? LCAT founder Amanda Pasciucco and therapist Nicole Scrivano were interviewed by Cosmopolitan Magazine to help explain its meaning.

Written by  and 

What does queer mean?

Queerness is an umbrella term that is both an orientation and a community for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?

While you might’ve heard the word used as an insult, the term “queer” has recently been reclaimed by the community to be empowering and create a sense of community, rather than deragatory, says Amanda Pasciucco, AASECT certified sex therapist.

Who falls under the “queer” umbrella?

To Pasciucco, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. She adds that the term queer indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either Lesbian, Gay, BisexualTransgender, Queer (also sometimes called “questioning”), intersex, and or asexual, aka the LGBTQIA+ community. For Pasciucco herself, she also utilizes the + sign when referring to the queer community, to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals, and even those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy.

However, the definition of queerness also varies depending on who you ask. As Pasciucco explains herself, “To be clear, as a person who is mostly in other sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus, ought to be included in the community.” The word queer is intentionally vague (more on that below) and with such vagueness also comes different interpretations.

Is “queer” a sexual identity or a gender identity or can it be both?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s dynamic and a fluid movement, “beyond the binary of cisgender and hetereonormativity.” Queerness is intersectional! As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues and an LMFT, explained in a blog post:

“as queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

READ NICOLE’S ENTIRE BLOG ON QUEER WOMEN

To help clarify the definition of queer some more, here’s a firsthand account from writer Sophie Saint Thomas on identifying as queer and more about the word:

“I’m queer,” I told my Tinder match, who was an extremely hot straight dude. When that confused him, I added, “…and bisexual.” I date people of all genders, but my queer identity is so much more than a label to clarify who I date and have sex with. He seemed relieved to know that sex with him was still on the table and that queer wasn’t a synonym for gay, which, even in 2019, can still confuse the best of us.

Queer is a word that clarifies that I’m not straight and ties me to the larger queer community, but it doesn’t categorize me as gay. The vagueness of the term is intentional— queer is an identity created for anyone outside of the heterosexual norm and meant to be inclusive and create a sense of acceptance. But what, exactly, does it mean to be queer? Could you be queer? To clarify what the term means, Cosmo spoke with Kelly Wise, PhD, a queer sex therapist, about how queer evolved from a gay slur to an encompassing—and even welcoming—word used by folks all across the LGBTQ spectrum (and, controversially, even some straight folks too).

Queer is an umbrella term

Language evolves with society, often due to the brute force and fierceness of those who wish to see change. Such is the case for queer, a term predominantly used by the LGBTQ community to stake a contrast from mainstream, heteronormative society. “When I think about ‘queer,’ I just think ‘different,’” Wise says.

While all labels used to describe one’s sexual orientation are unique to the individual, unlike homosexual (an attraction to the opposite gender), queer is an umbrella term that can be used by anyone under the LGBTQ spectrum. Queer conveys both an orientation and a sense of community.

“The community aspect states, ‘Because we’re all different, we can celebrate our differences. I can accept you for who you are, and there’s power in numbers,’” Wise says. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.” Some folks who fall somewhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer rather than bisexual (attraction to both your own gender and genders other than your own) or pansexual (attraction regardless of gender). Others will use both and introduce themselves as “bisexual and queer,” for instance. The term queer is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

Say it with pride

The celebration and use of the word queer is one of reclamation. Not too long ago, queer was still used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says. “The reclamation of the word is like, ‘This is who I am. We don’t need to be like everyone else; let’s celebrate our differences, and don’t try to put me in any sort of box of who you need me to be because I’ll continuously try to break down the boxes.” It is worth noting that while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history.

Despite the progress, the word queer isn’t without controversy—some people within polyamorous or kink communities identify as “queer” even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean that there’s not some queer aspect of you,” Wise says.

While some agree that polyamorous sexualities count as “different” (and therefore “queer”) others feel that for a straight, poly person to describe themselves as queer is piggy-backing on decades of LGBTQ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities. But to keep it simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQ umbrella, rather than the heterosexual norm. There are as many ways to identify as queer as there are people who do so—so if you feel you may be queer and want to own that, go forth with pride.

 

Read the full article to learn more about what queer means.

Gender Non-Conforming

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative individuals are people whose gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female within our society. 

You may wonder what is gender non-conforming or what does it mean when people are gender creative? 

In our society, we commonly categorize individuals as male or female. 

Therefore, those people who identify themselves as either side of the binary are expected to conform to a particular style and behavior. 

Someone who identifies as female is expected to wear “feminine” clothing such as dresses, leggings, skirts, specific shirts, etc. Females are also assumed to wear makeup, have longer hair, and no facial hair. 

Those who identify themselves as male are expected to wear “masculine” clothing such as sports attire, pants, more solid colors, and usually not bright clothing. These are some of the “rules” that are gender conformity. 

When an individual does not ascribe to these set of rules or engages in shifting gender expressive play (through clothing, makeup, etc), this is breaking gender conformity or the binary. 

Gender non-conforming individuals are those we are focusing on here.

There are a variety of ways people can choose to break gender conformity through the varying ways gender is expressed. 

Some common options are: 

  • Mannerisms
  • Dress and attire
  • Makeup
  • Hair style
  • Accessories 

Individuals who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. 

Some people who identify as non-conforming may present more neutral or androgenous, while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire. 

People who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities. 

These identities can include, yet are not limited to:

  • Non-binary
  • Gender queer
  • Gender fluid
  • Gender bending
  • Gender non-conforming
  • Or something else. 

The important thing is learning to understand each person’s identity and not making assumptions about those you meet. 

If you are wanting to learn more about someone’s identity, be sure you are doing it for them and their comfort, rather than for your own needs. This is often a good place to start by knowing your intentions. 

You can also seek therapy or reputable sources who can help support you in learning and understanding. 

It is your own responsibility to learn more rather than anyone in the community teaching you. Seek a professional if you need, that specializes in this area of focus. 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Queer Women

Queer Women

 

Queer women are wonderful. Even though I may be biased that queer women are wonderful, hear me out and let me explain the why! 

 

What does Queer even mean?

Back in the day being dubbed “queer” was a slur and negative. 

People used that to insult people in the LGBTQ+ community or to insult someone’s perceived identity (often feminine men). 

Recently, we as a community have reclaimed the term “queer”  to be empowering and create a sense of community rather than as an insult. 

When you hear the word queer (not “what a queer” or “you are sucha queer” those are still negative), it indicates someone within the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, etc (LGBTQ+) community. 

The word queer encapsulates for many relational, sexual, and gender identties. 

 

Queer Women

So queer women are people who identify as women and are on some piece of the LGBTQ+ community spectrum. 

As queer women, we come in a variety forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc. 

Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. 

Often queer women, specifically “lesbians” are boiled down to either being super “butch” or about lesbian orgasms. Some queer women are butch, many like to orgasm, but in my experience queer women show up in so many different ways. Please do not boil us down that simply. 

Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity. In my practice, I work with many queer women. As a queer woman, it is amazing to learn the diversity of this part of my community. 

Not one of us is the exact same, but we all seem to intersect in some way or another. 

This intersectionality is important in our collective growth, and learning from one another allows us to reach new levels of empowerment and discovery.

I learn so much from my queer clients, in general, and my clients who identify as queer women. 

Being able to break the stereotypes, defy the patriarchy, and show up and be who we are is an empowering process to be a part of. 

I have so much pride to know and work with them on this collective, healing journey towards growth and empowerment. 

 

Collective Healing

In my practice, I have bore witness to collective trauma of the queer community. 

This includes, yet is not limited to queer women. 

The intersection of the identity as “queer” and “woman” has created a unique experience for queer women. The intersection of sexism and homophobia and if they are people of color add racism in the mix.

Bearing witness to the pain, the hurt, the trauma is heartbreaking. These brave women, who have fought and been harmed by a system of oppression. 

This harm has reverberated through their beings and they are wanting to heal. 

It is so sad to hear the stories of failed attempts at therapy – not on their part – but on the therapists part. 

Therapists have tried to hold space for them and their experiences but were far beyond their depth in being able to facilitate a space to heal or to recognize the intersections of systems of play that were continuing their trauma as queer women. 

When we (collectively) are able to hold space for queer women in therapy, where we recognize the various intersections and systems at play, we allow for the trauma and harm to be confronted in a way that allows for healing. 

As therapists, it is our job to work towards facilitating a space of healing, growth, and change. In order to do that, we have to allow for the space to be one of vulnerability. 

My hope is that through more therapists and clients being able to work together to create more spaces for (yet not limited to) queer women, we allow for collective healing and growth. 

Queer women, I am sorry that in so many ways you have not felt seen or heard in the mental health field. I am sorry that in so many ways you were retraumatized in your experiences. 

Although, I cannot take away that pain for you, I can offer a space in a practice where we are committed to growth, learning, social justice, and doing better! 

We want to hear you, we want to see you, and we want to support you. We are here to empower you at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC. Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

lesbian sex toys

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

What does “lesbian sex toys” even mean, really? Well sex toy industry has catered to heterosexual, penis-in-vagina definitions of sex for a long time- think phallic dildos in various sizes, with veins and scrotums. Pretty graphic! These phallic toys can bring immense pleasure obviously, but might alienate people who don’t enjoy penises, are working through sexual traumas or prevent people from exploring sexual fantasies and taboos.

Enter lesbian sex toys. Now, let’s be clear, ANYONE can enjoy ANY toy, it doesn’t matter who it is marketed to! If you’re searching for a non-phallic toy that can do more than just penetrate, searching for toys aimed at lesbians can open a whole new world of possibility. These toys are made for pleasurable experiences beyond what a plain old dildo can deliver, and are specifically crafted for pleasuring vaginas, clitorises, and vulvas. And it doesn’t stop there- many of these toys can be enjoyed by our lovers with penises too!

 

So…what kind of lesbian sex toys are out there?

There are so many wonderful toys to play with out there, where do you even start?! Let’s go over some basic categories- the only rule is if you think it sounds fun or will make you feel good, you should try it! Who knows, you might be surprised what new sensations maybe aroused.

 

Suction Toys

At first glance, these look kind of like a vibrator, and some of them do vibrate! The real attraction with suction toys is the smallish suction cup, usually at the top end of the toy, that is meant to be placed over the clitoris. The clitoris is then gently (or vigorously, depending on your settings!) sucked by the toy, emulating sensations felt during oral sex, maybe even more intense.

Of course, you don’t need a clitoris to enjoy the suction! These toys are also great for nipple teasing, so feel free to share with your lovers who don’t have a clitoris. Suction toys are generally more quiet than conventional vibrators, and some can be used underwater. Womanizer is a popular brand of clitoral suction toy, and they even have version that are moulded for g-spot penetration while the suction cup works on the clitoris.

 

Clit Vibrators

This can have a billion different subcategories, but there are three that really cover all bases:

  1. Bullet Vibrators: these tiny, discreet battery operated vibrators are a classic as they can be  inexpensive and easy to use. While they should never be used anally (they’ll get lost up there, and no one wants to be that person in the ER), they can be used on the clitoris as well as the entire body. Any erogenous zone can be tickled by a little bullet. These are usually pretty simple with maybe one or two settings, however they can pack a powerful punch and be a great introduction to vibrating sensations in partner sex with any gender.
  1. Butterfly Vibrators: These unique vibes are shaped like, you guessed it, a butterfly! These are designed for hands free play by placing the vibrator in your underwear, but you can use your hand to guide it wherever you want. They have a wider surface area along the “wings” for a more spread out sensation, and places along the top and middle that can be strategically placed for more intensity.
  1. Vibrating Wands: If you want intensity, get one of these! They are a classic for a reason, and while they aren’t versatile for penetrative activities, they can sure rock anyone’s world. They are definitely not quiet though, so be prepared! Whether you use it on clits, vulvas, penises or other erogenous zones, the intense vibration will come in handy if you have trouble orgasming with timid bullet vibes. These are sometimes sold in conventional stores as “massagers”, which means if you’re not feeling frisky you can work the tension out of your neck and shoulders. Sometimes one thing leads to another though…

 

Penetrative Toys

It doesn’t have to look like a penis to be pleasurable! First things first, if you are inserting something into you or your partner’s body, it better be made of body safe, non porous materials! Avoid PVC, cheap plastic or latex jelly and instead find toys made with silky silicone, or even sculpted pieces made from metal or glass. They’ll be almost beautiful enough to display- almost.

Silicone is great if you want a soft, smooth, almost skin like texture. These toys tend to have a certain degree of flexibility too!

Glass and metal are interesting because they are firm, which can be awesome for flexing and gripping with your pelvic floor. Plus, they can be cool to the touch or warm up with you or your partner’s body heat, opening up more sensation possibilities. If they have a flared base you can use it anally too!

Here are some exciting toys to explore if you want penetrative sensations beyond what a typical dildo can deliver:

  1. Strap Ons: Strap ons are a classic lesbian sex toy, and a wonderful way to connect with a partner through penetration if you don’t have a penis. You have a few options here: a classic harness is secure, though perhaps a little hardware heavy (which can also be a turn on!). There are also styles that are more like underwear with an adjustable opening, so you can vary which sizes you can use in your strap on. Another really fun option: the strapless strap on! This is a toy with two shafts, one that you insert into your vagina, and a second shaft to insert into your partner. Great if you enjoy g-spot stimulation! If you go with a harness or underwear style, many have pockets where you can insert a bullet or butterfly vibe so you can be pleasure while you penetrate your partner.
  2. Double Ended Dildos: they are exactly what you would expect! They come in a variety of shapes, sizes, girths, materials, some vibrate, some have texture- whatever you and your partner enjoy! If you are purchasing a double dildo for anal play, make sure it has a flared piece in the middle to prevent anal injury.
  3. Rabbits: the ultimate hybrid! Flickering ears for clitoral stimulation, a shaft for anal or vaginal penetration, plus vibration! A true triple threat, this is the kind of sex toy that can be used on anybody (and any body!) for a variety of sensations. Plus, it doesn’t look like a penis, instead it has a neutral, sleek shaft that can come with a variety of textures such as ribbing or bumps for extra stimulation.

This is of course only the beginning – there are as many lesbian sex toys out there as there are people! If you’re not a lesbian or if you don’t have a vagina, many of these toys can be enjoyed in many different ways. If you’re not a fan of anatomical sex toys that are too realistic, the lesbian sex toys market has a lot of beautifully designed products for every craving. Now the only question left: which lesbian sex toys will you try out first?

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

gender expression

Gender Expression and Gender Identity

Gender Expression and Gender Identity

 

What is it? 

It is talked about so much now and so often we find people needing more information about gender and its different facets. 

I am writing this as a way to help create some clarity surrounding gender, gender conformity, and gender expression – I hope it helps!

 

What is Gender?

Gender is a social construction that we focus on how we show our gender which stereotypically is man/boy or girl/woman. 

As we have progressed in the understanding of gender, many are able to see that gender is beyond the binary of man and woman. 

Gender is how we express our experience of being male or female regardless of natal (birth) sex. 

Reminder: sex and gender are different.

 

Gender Expression

Gender is something we express to those around us, it is not something we are “born with.” Without gender expression people would not necessarily know our gender because again sex and gender are different. 

Gender expression is how we show our gender through clothing, what we wear, jewelry, make up, art, hair style, colors, etc. Gender is not tied to our genitals or physical body, we are assigned a gender at birth based on our “natal” or birth sex. 

As we age, we learn to express our gender in what feels comfortable for us. Many people are influenced on what society prescribes us to where based on our assigned genders. 

Others express their gender based on what feels most right for them regardless if that is within societies standards of expression of gender or not.

gender expression

 

Gender Conforming

Gender conforming individuals are people who adhere to “normative” cultural standards surrounding gender expression. 

This would be a woman dressing in feminine attire or what our culture would consider acceptable for a woman (dress, leggings, certain colors, etc.) or a man dressing in “masculine” attire (pants, athletic gear, polos, tshirts, etc). 

The majority of our culture is “gender conforming” because that is what is expected and acceptable. 

People, generally, like to feel connected and accepted in our culture so most people will follow or conform to what is “in style” or “appropriate” for their gender.

Gender conforming can also be defined as following the “rules”  to your assigned gender at birth or your natal sex. 

Some would not consider transgender people to be gender conforming, even if they are wearing clothes that match their gender. 

Most of the clients and people in our world are gender conforming. 

What I work on with these clients is challenging these “normative” beliefs in order for them to assess what truly is comfortable for them so that it is a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one. 

So often when we conform, we do not think, we just do without being conscious. Whatever your choice is, I want you to realize it is a choice.

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative are people who’s gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female attire. 

Additionally, individuals who are gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. 

Some people may present more neutral or androgenous while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire. 

People who are gender creatives may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities such as non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, gender bending, gender non-conforming, or something else. 

For the clients that I work with who are gender creatives, often have a strong sense of internal identity and also really connect with the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Others do not connect to either at all. 

 

Gender Identity and Gender Expression are NORMAL!

To be clear, there is nothing clinically problematic or concerning about gender expression or identity AT ALL. 

The individuals who see me and are gender non-confomring or creative are either seeing me for a completely different reason (and just want an identity affirming therapist) or are wanting to work through how to manage the difficulties within our society with “non-conforming.” 

As you may imagine, someone who is not conforming to societal norms experiences a lot of unique stressors, and with gender expression being something that you “show” the world – it creates a lot of difficulty due to people’s hate and inability to learn and grow. 

Regardless of how you express your gender, whether you conform or not, at LCAT we see you and we are here to help provide a safe, comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and learn and grow to be in your best empowered self!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Pride Month

Happy Pride! – June is LGBTQIA2+ Pride Month

Happy Pride! – June is LGBTQ+ Pride Month

 

June is pride month – happy pride. 

This pride month is different from other prides in the past. This Pride month is during a pandemic and the mass realization of racial oppression within our culture. This year, I am writing a very different Pride message than I would have expected.

Pride will not be massive parades with rainbows everywhere. In the age of social distancing we must find new ways to celebrate our identities. Perhaps we should consider fighting for our black voices and black folks who are a vital piece of our community.

Pride Month

As a community, the LGBTQIA2+ community intersects all races, religions, abilities, relationship types, etc. As a community we know what it has been like to be oppressed or discriminated against.  If it were not for the black community so of the pivotal points in our history would not have happened. Because of black trans women’s bravery, we were able to work towards the progress we have made today. Obviously, there continues to be bigotry out there, and right now I am noticing the massive level of harm being perpetrated against the black community.

I hope that we are able to stand up for and with the black community as our culture finally begins to awaken to the massive systemic racism that is occurring against the black community. This racism is not new. This racism is hundreds of years old and only now are we “seeing.” We must continue to see and lend voices when appropriate and elevate voices that are important. The system has to change.

Instead of marching only in pride parades, I would suggest marching and rallying with the black community to show black lives matter. The LGBTQIA2+ community is standing with you. Allow our rainbows and energy be brought to a community that is being killed. A community that without their contribution within our community, we would not be as far. 

I love how this community intersects all communities and there are certainly times that we forget that and prioritize white voices in the queer community. Now is time for us to examine our own racism, our own system, our own community – so we can do better because when we know better, we need to do better.

For pride 2020, I stand in solidarity with the black community to support and elevate their voices and their stories. Here at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC we stand with the black community. We will continue to provide a safe space for the black community and activists alike to share their story and address their experiences during this time. We will continue to learn, we will continue to listen, we will continue to stand with you. We stand with you. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Cis Het

What Does Cis Het Mean?

What Does Cis Het Mean?

 

Have you heard the term “cis het”?

In our society, there are a lot of terms being shared. One of the most popular ones right now is “cis-het.” 

Often, I am asked what this term “cis het” means or find myself hearing this term often in sessions. 

 

“Cis”

Cisgender or more commonly referred to as “cis”  is a term that references someones gender identity. 

Cisgender refers to someone whos natal (birth) sex is congruent with gender identity/presentation (ie someone born female and identifies as a woman or someone born male and identifies as male.)

When someone says you are “cis” it means that your biological sex and gender you identify correspond. 

 

“Het”

Heterosexual or “het” is a term that references someones sexual identity. Someone who is heterosexual is sexually interested to the “other” sex or gender (if we are looking at gender as a binary). Heterosexual relationships are other sex relationships (male/female pairings). 

 

“Cis” + “Het”= CISHET

The combination of cisgender and heterosexual is what is now commonly known as “cishet.” 

This refers to the majority of the population who’s birth or natal sex are congruent with thei gender identity and presentation and are sexually and romantically interested in the other sex. 

Basically, a straight person who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.

People who are categorized as “cishet” are typically seen within the “norm” of society (which is typically referred to as “heteronormativity”). 

Recently, there have been memes depicting “cishet woman” that are caucasian or white with stereotypical, middle-aged, white woman names such as “Karen” or “Susan” or “Carol.” 

This has stimulated a debate among various groups of people. 

Being a “Karen” seems to imply a lack of social awareness and/or privilege. 

Although I am not a proponent of name calling, I will be calling on people who are white, cisgender, and heterosexual human to recognize their privilege. 

I challenge you to see your privilege and use it to elevate those who are not. 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

coming out

Coming Out is Not Just One and Done

Coming Out is Not Just One and Done

 

Coming out is a complicated process within the LGBTQ/queer community. Coming out is when someone within the queer community discloses their identity to others. These experiences can be complicated for a variety of different reasons. 

Coming out can be complicated for people due to an internalized process known as internalized queerphobia which is an individual internalizing the messages (covert or overt) from their culture, community, family, and friends around queer identities. Generally speaking, the dominant cultural narrative is not one of overt support of queer identities. 

A common misconception around coming out is that you do it once or twice and then it’s over. That is DEFINITELY not the case. As a queer person, coming out happens often and is a process that continues throughout your life. Everytime you meet someone or have a new stage happen in your life or your relationship it creates another opportunity to come out.

 

What Does that Look Like?

Just like in our brains we replay what we do not heal from our childhoods, the same things show up in the coming out experience. If you initially have a difficult coming out experience or have lived in a community that does not support the LGBTQ+ community this will likely come out at each major juncture or time you have to come out.

News flash: our community and culture has only recently been remotely inclusive so most queer people have underlying messages and meanings that have been created as a result. These underlying messages or meanings that are created begin to impact the way queer people think and see themselves consciously or unconciously (internalized queerphobia). 

 

Wait… what?

So basically what I am saying (from my experience in the field) is that when queer people come out on a day to day and then in large moments of their life it activitates those pathways created around internalized queerphobia from the course of their coming out experience. 

When you are going through a new stage in your life or having to come out again and again, the pathways from the original experiences you have around coming out or around disclosing a vulnerable identity are likely to reactivate. 

Example time. So often times during the initial coming out people can be rejected by people and/or they may also have their boundaries violated. Ask most queer people and they will tell you 100000 inappropriate questions that they were asked when they came out (who’s the man/woman? Who’s baby is it? Who’s on top? What do you even do? What parts do you have? The list goes on and on).

Yes. People do ask these things. So when a queer person begins to move towards a new stage of your life or begin to engage witih a new community… these boundary violations happen again. This often triggers experiences similar to when this has happened before. If you have had a particularly challenging coming out experience (rejection, abandonment, shaming, violation of boundaries, dismissal of identity) and this has not been processed through, this can all erupt again for you. 

 

Coming out and Trauma

Often in my practice, I see clients have some level of regression each time they take these steps. These steps can be something minor like coming out to someone from their past to marriage, to having children, to losing someone, etc. The regression can show up in a variety of different ways like increased anxiety, irritability, or more extreme through reacting in trauma (the flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response). 

In many, coming out has been traumatic to varying degrees whether it is their coming out or the coming out process of their partner(s).

coming out

I believe this to be because it activates their internalized queerphobia (unconscious process) and any remaining struggles that they experienced during their coming out (conscious process). This can happen to varying degrees depending on the significance of the internalized queerphobia or the un-healed parts during their coming out. When people are responding from a place of trauma, they are often unaware of the impact they have on themselves or those around them. 

This may seem really confusing, I totally feel and hear that. What I am trying to encourage people to consider is the long term impact of how internalized queerphobia and the ongoing coming out process impact queer people’s quality of life over the course of their life. There is not enough awareness of this impact across the world or an understanding of ways to support the queer community in a real way. 

 

Prevention: A Call for Community Healing

This is the systemic impact of being a marginalized community, the multitude of layers of complexity that can be created is a crap storm for individuals and those around them. Working together to heal ourselves, our cultural beliefs, and supporting those around us can help lessen the blow to the queer community and those they love.

Prevention would be the best medicine. That would require a systemic change in the way we as a community, see, support, and engage with the queer community. It would be creating a culture of inclusivity, support, learning, and access. Prevention requires the community to do things differently. We have ample evidence (through multiple marginalized communities) that this system doesn’t work.  “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Trauma in the LGBTQ

Trauma in the LGBTQ Community

Trauma in the LGBTQ Community

 

Trauma in the LGBTQ+ community is unique and often underestimated or misunderstood. 

One of our specializations here at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC is trauma and the intersection of that experience with other identities including gender and sexuality.

Systemic trauma is a different experience that other types of trauma. A variety of communities experience systemic trauma (i.e people of color, black people, people with disabilities, women, etc.). Systemic trauma, in my eyes, is trauma that comes from being a part of an identity that our greater culture does not support through social systems in place. 

 

Systemic Trauma: Heteronormativity

In the LGBTQ community, this looks like heteronormativity. Heteronormativity is the dominant culture being one that supports other sex couples who are straight (presenting) and cis gender (assigned gender at birth matches gender identification and presentation).

A dominant culture of heteronormativity equates to various systems that do NOT support same sex couples, queer people, and people who are outside of “gender norms.” This can be overt through laws or can be through microaggressions (verbal or non-verbal behaviors or statements that are insensitive, discriminatory, and problematic towards a particular group). An example of a microaggression towards the queer community would be “which one of you is the man?” to a same sex female couple. 

Something as simple as finding a greeting card for your partner, in a same sex couple, can be very difficult. The perceived relational make-up of couples in greeting cards is that of other-sex or gender couples. Laws around marriage, adoption, and workplace all create additional barriers to LGBTQ individuals, couples, and families. 

In addition to microaggressions, dominant narratives in our culture can create layers of trauma to an individual’s identity. A common cultural narrative that creates feelings of intense shame in the queer community is religions. Many religions have outward, unsupportive language or outright hostility towards the LGBTQ/queer population. 

The way pronouns are used and assumed in a heteronormative culture also lends to creating levels of microaggresions AND harm to the LGBTQ community. Specifically people in the transgender community, gender queer community, and non-binary community. 

 

Trauma in the LGBTQ

Interpersonal Trauma

When most people consider trauma and the LGBTQ community they think of someone coming out to loved ones and being rejected. This CERTAINLY is traumatic and is common place for people within the LGBTQ community.

Coming out is the process of disclosing your sexual or gender identity to people in your life. In many cases this experience is vulnerable, challenging, and emotional. Often this results in rejection of the LGBTQ+ individual from friends, family, workplace, or the community at large. 

There are devastating impacts of being rejected from those you love. Please review various resources available on GLADD, HRC, and other LGBTQ specific organizatons to learn specific impacts of being rejected. In general, from my observation in my practice and what I have read, rejection after coming out leads to higher levels of homelessness, suicide, mental health issues, and substance abuse issues.

 

How does this = trauma?

In my experience in specializing in trauma and the queer community, I have learned so much from my clients on how systemic trauma and interpersonal trauma has impacted them. The information is important and I want to share it with you. My hope is, in understanding this it will allow you the opportunity to learn more and imagine what this experience is like for this population.

Systemic, community, and cultural barriers create passive and intended harm in the LGBTQ community. How? Thank you for asking!

 

IMAGINE:

  • That someone feels it is appropriate to ask you really personal questions after just meeting you because of your relationship with your partner. 

  • Growing up in the wrong body. 

  • That you are limited to celebrate certain religions due to your identity. Imagine you grow up being taught that liking or loving someone is bad. 

  • Growing up being told that your not dressing right. 

  • Having to consider where you are traveling based on how they respond to people within your identity.

  • Growing up and learning that people who are like you should be punished, harmed, or go to hell. 

  • Watching people getting harmed or made fun of for liking who they are. 

  • Hearing people use your identity as synonymous with “stupid.” 

  • People making fun of people “dressing up” as the other gender and its “funny.”

  • Being told your marriage doesn’t count.

  • Having to adopt your child.

  • Being told your relationship is seen differently than someone elses and you have less rights because of it.

  • Having to hide who you are from your friends, family, community, or workplace. 

  • The only way to have children and start a family is to pay a lot of money to adopt or do fertility OR go through the state and risk having that child returned to biological parents.

  • Having to come out over and over again anytime you meet someone, have a big step happen in your life, or really anything.

  • People saying “it’s not like it used to be, its so confusing now” effectively dismissing your identity. 

  • Having to pick a place to live based on how accepting they are of you and what resources there may be for you if there becomes an issue. 

  • Being scared to have to share who you are often because you do not know how the other person will respond.

  • Having to explain your identity all the time.

  • That some of these “choices” are not even realistic for you because you live somewhere that will never allow you to come out or be safe.

Trauma in the LGBTQ

If you were able to truly sit with some of these statements and reflect on it, you may be able to see how a system that supports people in feeling this way is indeed traumatic. It creates something known as internalized homophobia or internalized queerphobia. This is what happens to people in the LGBTQ community all the time, taking these systemic, dominant narratives within our culture and internalizing them to feel shame and disgust with who they are. Sometimes people are aware of it and sometimes they aren’t. 

Regardless of one’s understanding and awareness of it, it has a massive impact on the individual and their relationships. 

It is for this reason that I specialize in this intersection and LCAT does the work it does. There are not enough systems in place to address the intersection of trauma and identity. Here at LCAT we are committed to doing this work and providing a safe space for healing from trauma, microaggressions, and the patriarchal, heternormative, racist society we live in. 

In the coming weeks, we will have further blogs to continue to address issues like this one!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.