Transgender Teen

Supporting A Transgender Teen and Family in Transitioning 

Supporting A Transgender Teen and Their Family in Transitioning

 

Part of our work at Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is supporting transgender teen clients and their families to adjust. Coming out as a transgender teen is a process.

Often, it is complex for teens and their families, because it is a transition for the entire family system.

 

Basic Terms

Identifying as transgender is when someone is born as male or female and ascribed a gender of boy or girl at birth based on their genitals. When someone is transgender it means that they do not feel the gender ascribed to them at birth is accurate. 

Non-binary, gender creative, and gender expansive individuals are people who do not ascribe to the gender binary of male/female or man/woman. These individuals typically see gender as fluid or do not ascribe to one gender at all. 

Dead name refers to the name the individual was given at birth, not the name the individual chooses as they come out. 

Pronouns  are the way a person identifies. The most common pronouns are: she/her, they/them, he/him, ze/zir. When someone misgenders someone it is when someone uses the incorrect pronoun. This happens often when people come out as transgender or non-binary. The deliberate misuse and misgendering causes significant harm to the individual coming out.

Due to our society adjusting our perspectives on the LGBTQ+ community, we have made head way in seeing the people are able to come out earlier in their life (usually in adolescence where identity is a primary developmental task) thus allowing them to lead healthier adult lives. I will say it 10000 times that these outcomes are based on how the community, family, and close individuals around the person coming out respond or react to them coming out. 

If you are a close friend or family member of someone in the LGBTQ community, especially within the gender non-conforming or transgender population, it is incredibly important for you to learn and understand how your response can cause harm to the individual coming out. 

 

Transitioning the Family

For the family, adjusting to their teenage family member using a different name and pronoun can be incredibly difficult. Even in the most supportive environments this is complicated. If you had any beliefs that may make the circumstance less supportive it can result in massive issues for the teen themselves and the family. 

One of the most important things to do as a family member is to work through the grief you have. Grief is a normal part of any major changes in someone’s life, this is no different. What I see most in families is the need to grief what they expected and how to integrate that with who the teen is and the memories they have with them. 

The most common thing I see in families is people not addressing their grief and projecting (putting it on) those around them, especially the transgender teen who is coming out. This looks like making it about themselves, arguing about what pronoun is appropriate, using the teens name vs. dead naming them, or misgendering. This makes someones coming out experience about you rather than the person coming out, which is a problem.

To be extremely clear, I am not saying you should not address your own personal feelings, grief, and experience – in fact I am saying the opposite. HOWEVER, this should be done NOT with the person who is coming out. The person coming out has enough of their own stuff to deal than trying to help you manage your experience and reaction to this. I would suggest finding a therapist or joining a support group where you can process your feelings and experiences safely without causing harm to the person who is coming out. 

 

Progress not Perfection

It is okay if you are having a difficult time with your teen transitioning. However, it is not okay to take that confusion out on those around. 

Family and friends do not have to be perfect. Yet, if you mess up – OWN IT. Owning can look like a simple “I am sorry.” Or owning it means asking clarification! Similarly, it could be learning more about transitioning through finding helpful resources. 

This does not look like making it about yourself or justifying why you did what you did. Please, do not have the individual coming out teach you before you do research.  

  • taking accountability
  • asking for clarification
  • apologizing
  • doing your research.

 

Please, try your best to respect someone’s name and pronouns. 

Think about how as a culture we shift last names of those that are married or when celebrities change their name. Therefore, an individual can use the same cognitive shifts for those in their life.

If you are finding it challenging or difficult please seek support from a professional to deconstruct why that is.

You are not perfect, I do not ever expect perfection from my clients. I do expect progress tho. Progress not perfection.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

What is Gender Dysphoria? 

What is Gender Dysphoria? 

 

Gender dysphoria is the term used when someone experiences distress from their body based on their gender identity or expression. 

 

In other words, someone who was born biologically one sex and assigned a specific gender. If this person feels distressed surrounding their body, genitals, and / or other aspects of their body. Anything that may amplify their biological sex or gender assigned at birth may cause more gender dysphoria. 

 

The Basics: 

 

Biological sex is determined based on genital presentation at birth (usually male or female) and then there is a “labeled” or assigned a gender based on that (for example: girl or boy). 

 

For some individuals, as they age throughout their life (and even as early as childhood), they do not identify with their assigned gender. 

 

Someone’s gender identity is what someone experiences as their gender. Whereas someone’s gender expression is how someone shows their gender through dress, hair, make up, etc.

 

When someone’s assigned gender does not feel congruent with their gender identity, it often results in gender dysphoria. 

 

This distress is common in folks who are gender non-conforming. Therefore, the result may lead to individuals engaging in gender affirmation treatments (such as surgeries, using hormones, or binding, etc.) 

 

What are the symptoms of Gender Dysphoria?

 

Here is what gender dysphoria may look like: 

 

  • Feelings that your biological sex does not match your gender identity
  • Feeling comfort with another gendered experience than what was assigned at birth
  • Strong desire to hide and / or get rid of physical signs of your sex
  • Discomfort around genitals or chest
  • Insistence of being a different gender
  • Distress while physical changes are happening during puberty (not typical experiences of hormones changing or mood swings, etc)

 

Although these may be the most common or obvious ways that dysphoria can be seen. This brief list does not cover the whole scope of what could be experienced by others’ experience of gender dysphoria.

 

How to Get or Give Support

 

Gender dysphoria is a complicated concept for many to understand and requires a level of competence and / or education to be able to support. 

 

Individuals who are experiencing gender dysphoria often get discrimination for this. It is important to consider medical providers who have experience in this area. 

 

Similarly, you can encourage someone that may be experiencing gender dysphoria to find new support systems and places where they are able to be themselves. 

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

 

 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

Gender Conforming

Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming? 

Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming? 

 

Gender conforming and gender non conforming are common words utilized in our society today. Read our blog post to learn more about Gender Expression and Gender Non Conforming.

 

What is Gender Conforming?

Gender conforming individuals are people who adhere to “normative” cultural standards surrounding gender expression. 

This would be a woman dressing in feminine attire or what our culture would consider acceptable for a woman (dress, leggings, certain colors, skirt, heels, etc.) or a man dressing in “masculine” attire (pants, athletic gear, a suit, tshirts, etc). 

The majority of our culture is “gender conforming” because that is what is expected and acceptable. 

People, generally, like to feel connected and accepted in our culture so most people will follow or conform to what is “in style” or “appropriate” for their gender.

Gender conforming can also be defined as following the “rules”  to your assigned gender at birth or your natal sex. 

Some would not consider transgender people to be gender conforming, even if they are wearing clothes that match their gender. 

Most of the clients and the majority of individuals in our world are gender conforming. 

What I work on with these clients is challenging these “normative” beliefs in order for them to assess what truly is comfortable for them so that it is a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one. 

So often when we conform, we do not think, we just do without being conscious. 

Whatever your choice is, I want you to realize it is a choice.

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative Individuals

Gender non-conforming individuals have gender expression that does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in for attire. For example, someone who presents as a woman yet is shopping for herself in the men’s department. 

Additionally, individuals who are gender non-conforming may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. Some people may present more neutral or androgenous, whereas others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal part of them that they are embodying. 

People who are gender creatives may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities such as non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, gender bending, gender non-conforming, or something else. 

For the clients that I work with who are gender creatives, often have a strong sense of internal identity and also really connect with the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Others do not connect to either at all. 

 

Gender Conforming, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression are NORMAL!

To be clear, there is nothing clinically problematic or concerning about gender expression or being gender conforming AT ALL. 

The individuals who see licensed clinicians like me and are gender non-confomring yet are seeing me for a completely different reason (and just want an identity-affirming therapist).

As you may imagine, someone who is not conforming to societal norms experiences a lot of unique stressors, and with gender expression being something that you “show” the world – it creates a lot of difficulty due to people’s hate and inability to learn and grow. 

Regardless of how you express your gender, whether you conform or not, at LCAT, we see you and we are here to help provide a safe, comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and learn and grow to be in your best empowered self!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding. 

Join us on your healing journey. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

what does queer mean?

What does Queer Mean?

what does queer mean?

What Does Queer Mean? LCAT founder Amanda Pasciucco and therapist Nicole Scrivano were interviewed by Cosmopolitan Magazine to help explain its meaning.

Written by  and 

What does queer mean?

Queerness is an umbrella term that is both an orientation and a community for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?

While you might’ve heard the word used as an insult, the term “queer” has recently been reclaimed by the community to be empowering and create a sense of community, rather than deragatory, says Amanda Pasciucco, AASECT certified sex therapist.

Who falls under the “queer” umbrella?

To Pasciucco, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. She adds that the term queer indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either Lesbian, Gay, BisexualTransgender, Queer (also sometimes called “questioning”), intersex, and or asexual, aka the LGBTQIA+ community. For Pasciucco herself, she also utilizes the + sign when referring to the queer community, to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals, and even those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy.

However, the definition of queerness also varies depending on who you ask. As Pasciucco explains herself, “To be clear, as a person who is mostly in other sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus, ought to be included in the community.” The word queer is intentionally vague (more on that below) and with such vagueness also comes different interpretations.

Is “queer” a sexual identity or a gender identity or can it be both?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s dynamic and a fluid movement, “beyond the binary of cisgender and hetereonormativity.” Queerness is intersectional! As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues and an LMFT, explained in a blog post:

“as queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

READ NICOLE’S ENTIRE BLOG ON QUEER WOMEN

To help clarify the definition of queer some more, here’s a firsthand account from writer Sophie Saint Thomas on identifying as queer and more about the word:

“I’m queer,” I told my Tinder match, who was an extremely hot straight dude. When that confused him, I added, “…and bisexual.” I date people of all genders, but my queer identity is so much more than a label to clarify who I date and have sex with. He seemed relieved to know that sex with him was still on the table and that queer wasn’t a synonym for gay, which, even in 2019, can still confuse the best of us.

Queer is a word that clarifies that I’m not straight and ties me to the larger queer community, but it doesn’t categorize me as gay. The vagueness of the term is intentional— queer is an identity created for anyone outside of the heterosexual norm and meant to be inclusive and create a sense of acceptance. But what, exactly, does it mean to be queer? Could you be queer? To clarify what the term means, Cosmo spoke with Kelly Wise, PhD, a queer sex therapist, about how queer evolved from a gay slur to an encompassing—and even welcoming—word used by folks all across the LGBTQ spectrum (and, controversially, even some straight folks too).

Queer is an umbrella term

Language evolves with society, often due to the brute force and fierceness of those who wish to see change. Such is the case for queer, a term predominantly used by the LGBTQ community to stake a contrast from mainstream, heteronormative society. “When I think about ‘queer,’ I just think ‘different,’” Wise says.

While all labels used to describe one’s sexual orientation are unique to the individual, unlike homosexual (an attraction to the opposite gender), queer is an umbrella term that can be used by anyone under the LGBTQ spectrum. Queer conveys both an orientation and a sense of community.

“The community aspect states, ‘Because we’re all different, we can celebrate our differences. I can accept you for who you are, and there’s power in numbers,’” Wise says. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.” Some folks who fall somewhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer rather than bisexual (attraction to both your own gender and genders other than your own) or pansexual (attraction regardless of gender). Others will use both and introduce themselves as “bisexual and queer,” for instance. The term queer is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

Say it with pride

The celebration and use of the word queer is one of reclamation. Not too long ago, queer was still used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says. “The reclamation of the word is like, ‘This is who I am. We don’t need to be like everyone else; let’s celebrate our differences, and don’t try to put me in any sort of box of who you need me to be because I’ll continuously try to break down the boxes.” It is worth noting that while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history.

Despite the progress, the word queer isn’t without controversy—some people within polyamorous or kink communities identify as “queer” even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean that there’s not some queer aspect of you,” Wise says.

While some agree that polyamorous sexualities count as “different” (and therefore “queer”) others feel that for a straight, poly person to describe themselves as queer is piggy-backing on decades of LGBTQ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities. But to keep it simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQ umbrella, rather than the heterosexual norm. There are as many ways to identify as queer as there are people who do so—so if you feel you may be queer and want to own that, go forth with pride.

 

Read the full article to learn more about what queer means.

Gender Non-Conforming

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative individuals are people whose gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female within our society. 

You may wonder what is gender non-conforming or what does it mean when people are gender creative? 

In our society, we commonly categorize individuals as male or female. 

Therefore, those people who identify themselves as either side of the binary are expected to conform to a particular style and behavior. 

Someone who identifies as female is expected to wear “feminine” clothing such as dresses, leggings, skirts, specific shirts, etc. Females are also assumed to wear makeup, have longer hair, and no facial hair. 

Those who identify themselves as male are expected to wear “masculine” clothing such as sports attire, pants, more solid colors, and usually not bright clothing. These are some of the “rules” that are gender conformity. 

When an individual does not ascribe to these set of rules or engages in shifting gender expressive play (through clothing, makeup, etc), this is breaking gender conformity or the binary. 

Gender non-conforming individuals are those we are focusing on here.

There are a variety of ways people can choose to break gender conformity through the varying ways gender is expressed. 

Some common options are: 

  • Mannerisms
  • Dress and attire
  • Makeup
  • Hair style
  • Accessories 

Individuals who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. 

Some people who identify as non-conforming may present more neutral or androgenous, while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire. 

People who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities. 

These identities can include, yet are not limited to:

  • Non-binary
  • Gender queer
  • Gender fluid
  • Gender bending
  • Gender non-conforming
  • Or something else. 

The important thing is learning to understand each person’s identity and not making assumptions about those you meet. 

If you are wanting to learn more about someone’s identity, be sure you are doing it for them and their comfort, rather than for your own needs. This is often a good place to start by knowing your intentions. 

You can also seek therapy or reputable sources who can help support you in learning and understanding. 

It is your own responsibility to learn more rather than anyone in the community teaching you. Seek a professional if you need, that specializes in this area of focus. 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Queer Women

Queer Women

 

Queer women are wonderful. Even though I may be biased that queer women are wonderful, hear me out and let me explain the why! 

 

What does Queer even mean?

Back in the day being dubbed “queer” was a slur and negative. 

People used that to insult people in the LGBTQ+ community or to insult someone’s perceived identity (often feminine men). 

Recently, we as a community have reclaimed the term “queer”  to be empowering and create a sense of community rather than as an insult. 

When you hear the word queer (not “what a queer” or “you are sucha queer” those are still negative), it indicates someone within the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, etc (LGBTQ+) community. 

The word queer encapsulates for many relational, sexual, and gender identties. 

 

Queer Women

So queer women are people who identify as women and are on some piece of the LGBTQ+ community spectrum. 

As queer women, we come in a variety forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc. 

Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. 

Often queer women, specifically “lesbians” are boiled down to either being super “butch” or about lesbian orgasms. Some queer women are butch, many like to orgasm, but in my experience queer women show up in so many different ways. Please do not boil us down that simply. 

Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity. In my practice, I work with many queer women. As a queer woman, it is amazing to learn the diversity of this part of my community. 

Not one of us is the exact same, but we all seem to intersect in some way or another. 

This intersectionality is important in our collective growth, and learning from one another allows us to reach new levels of empowerment and discovery.

I learn so much from my queer clients, in general, and my clients who identify as queer women. 

Being able to break the stereotypes, defy the patriarchy, and show up and be who we are is an empowering process to be a part of. 

I have so much pride to know and work with them on this collective, healing journey towards growth and empowerment. 

 

Collective Healing

In my practice, I have bore witness to collective trauma of the queer community. 

This includes, yet is not limited to queer women. 

The intersection of the identity as “queer” and “woman” has created a unique experience for queer women. The intersection of sexism and homophobia and if they are people of color add racism in the mix.

Bearing witness to the pain, the hurt, the trauma is heartbreaking. These brave women, who have fought and been harmed by a system of oppression. 

This harm has reverberated through their beings and they are wanting to heal. 

It is so sad to hear the stories of failed attempts at therapy – not on their part – but on the therapists part. 

Therapists have tried to hold space for them and their experiences but were far beyond their depth in being able to facilitate a space to heal or to recognize the intersections of systems of play that were continuing their trauma as queer women. 

When we (collectively) are able to hold space for queer women in therapy, where we recognize the various intersections and systems at play, we allow for the trauma and harm to be confronted in a way that allows for healing. 

As therapists, it is our job to work towards facilitating a space of healing, growth, and change. In order to do that, we have to allow for the space to be one of vulnerability. 

My hope is that through more therapists and clients being able to work together to create more spaces for (yet not limited to) queer women, we allow for collective healing and growth. 

Queer women, I am sorry that in so many ways you have not felt seen or heard in the mental health field. I am sorry that in so many ways you were retraumatized in your experiences. 

Although, I cannot take away that pain for you, I can offer a space in a practice where we are committed to growth, learning, social justice, and doing better! 

We want to hear you, we want to see you, and we want to support you. We are here to empower you at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC. Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

lesbian sex toys

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

What does “lesbian sex toys” even mean, really? Well sex toy industry has catered to heterosexual, penis-in-vagina definitions of sex for a long time- think phallic dildos in various sizes, with veins and scrotums. Pretty graphic! These phallic toys can bring immense pleasure obviously, but might alienate people who don’t enjoy penises, are working through sexual traumas or prevent people from exploring sexual fantasies and taboos.

Enter lesbian sex toys. Now, let’s be clear, ANYONE can enjoy ANY toy, it doesn’t matter who it is marketed to! If you’re searching for a non-phallic toy that can do more than just penetrate, searching for toys aimed at lesbians can open a whole new world of possibility. These toys are made for pleasurable experiences beyond what a plain old dildo can deliver, and are specifically crafted for pleasuring vaginas, clitorises, and vulvas. And it doesn’t stop there- many of these toys can be enjoyed by our lovers with penises too!

 

So…what kind of lesbian sex toys are out there?

There are so many wonderful toys to play with out there, where do you even start?! Let’s go over some basic categories- the only rule is if you think it sounds fun or will make you feel good, you should try it! Who knows, you might be surprised what new sensations maybe aroused.

 

Suction Toys

At first glance, these look kind of like a vibrator, and some of them do vibrate! The real attraction with suction toys is the smallish suction cup, usually at the top end of the toy, that is meant to be placed over the clitoris. The clitoris is then gently (or vigorously, depending on your settings!) sucked by the toy, emulating sensations felt during oral sex, maybe even more intense.

Of course, you don’t need a clitoris to enjoy the suction! These toys are also great for nipple teasing, so feel free to share with your lovers who don’t have a clitoris. Suction toys are generally more quiet than conventional vibrators, and some can be used underwater. Womanizer is a popular brand of clitoral suction toy, and they even have version that are moulded for g-spot penetration while the suction cup works on the clitoris.

 

Clit Vibrators

This can have a billion different subcategories, but there are three that really cover all bases:

  1. Bullet Vibrators: these tiny, discreet battery operated vibrators are a classic as they can be  inexpensive and easy to use. While they should never be used anally (they’ll get lost up there, and no one wants to be that person in the ER), they can be used on the clitoris as well as the entire body. Any erogenous zone can be tickled by a little bullet. These are usually pretty simple with maybe one or two settings, however they can pack a powerful punch and be a great introduction to vibrating sensations in partner sex with any gender.
  1. Butterfly Vibrators: These unique vibes are shaped like, you guessed it, a butterfly! These are designed for hands free play by placing the vibrator in your underwear, but you can use your hand to guide it wherever you want. They have a wider surface area along the “wings” for a more spread out sensation, and places along the top and middle that can be strategically placed for more intensity.
  1. Vibrating Wands: If you want intensity, get one of these! They are a classic for a reason, and while they aren’t versatile for penetrative activities, they can sure rock anyone’s world. They are definitely not quiet though, so be prepared! Whether you use it on clits, vulvas, penises or other erogenous zones, the intense vibration will come in handy if you have trouble orgasming with timid bullet vibes. These are sometimes sold in conventional stores as “massagers”, which means if you’re not feeling frisky you can work the tension out of your neck and shoulders. Sometimes one thing leads to another though…

 

Penetrative Toys

It doesn’t have to look like a penis to be pleasurable! First things first, if you are inserting something into you or your partner’s body, it better be made of body safe, non porous materials! Avoid PVC, cheap plastic or latex jelly and instead find toys made with silky silicone, or even sculpted pieces made from metal or glass. They’ll be almost beautiful enough to display- almost.

Silicone is great if you want a soft, smooth, almost skin like texture. These toys tend to have a certain degree of flexibility too!

Glass and metal are interesting because they are firm, which can be awesome for flexing and gripping with your pelvic floor. Plus, they can be cool to the touch or warm up with you or your partner’s body heat, opening up more sensation possibilities. If they have a flared base you can use it anally too!

Here are some exciting toys to explore if you want penetrative sensations beyond what a typical dildo can deliver:

  1. Strap Ons: Strap ons are a classic lesbian sex toy, and a wonderful way to connect with a partner through penetration if you don’t have a penis. You have a few options here: a classic harness is secure, though perhaps a little hardware heavy (which can also be a turn on!). There are also styles that are more like underwear with an adjustable opening, so you can vary which sizes you can use in your strap on. Another really fun option: the strapless strap on! This is a toy with two shafts, one that you insert into your vagina, and a second shaft to insert into your partner. Great if you enjoy g-spot stimulation! If you go with a harness or underwear style, many have pockets where you can insert a bullet or butterfly vibe so you can be pleasure while you penetrate your partner.
  2. Double Ended Dildos: they are exactly what you would expect! They come in a variety of shapes, sizes, girths, materials, some vibrate, some have texture- whatever you and your partner enjoy! If you are purchasing a double dildo for anal play, make sure it has a flared piece in the middle to prevent anal injury.
  3. Rabbits: the ultimate hybrid! Flickering ears for clitoral stimulation, a shaft for anal or vaginal penetration, plus vibration! A true triple threat, this is the kind of sex toy that can be used on anybody (and any body!) for a variety of sensations. Plus, it doesn’t look like a penis, instead it has a neutral, sleek shaft that can come with a variety of textures such as ribbing or bumps for extra stimulation.

This is of course only the beginning – there are as many lesbian sex toys out there as there are people! If you’re not a lesbian or if you don’t have a vagina, many of these toys can be enjoyed in many different ways. If you’re not a fan of anatomical sex toys that are too realistic, the lesbian sex toys market has a lot of beautifully designed products for every craving. Now the only question left: which lesbian sex toys will you try out first?

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

gender expression

Gender Expression and Gender Identity

Gender Expression and Gender Identity

 

What is it? 

It is talked about so much now and so often we find people needing more information about gender and its different facets. 

I am writing this as a way to help create some clarity surrounding gender, gender conformity, and gender expression – I hope it helps!

 

What is Gender?

Gender is a social construction that we focus on how we show our gender which stereotypically is man/boy or girl/woman. 

As we have progressed in the understanding of gender, many are able to see that gender is beyond the binary of man and woman. 

Gender is how we express our experience of being male or female regardless of natal (birth) sex. 

Reminder: sex and gender are different.

 

Gender Expression

Gender is something we express to those around us, it is not something we are “born with.” Without gender expression people would not necessarily know our gender because again sex and gender are different. 

Gender expression is how we show our gender through clothing, what we wear, jewelry, make up, art, hair style, colors, etc. Gender is not tied to our genitals or physical body, we are assigned a gender at birth based on our “natal” or birth sex. 

As we age, we learn to express our gender in what feels comfortable for us. Many people are influenced on what society prescribes us to where based on our assigned genders. 

Others express their gender based on what feels most right for them regardless if that is within societies standards of expression of gender or not.

gender expression

 

Gender Conforming

Gender conforming individuals are people who adhere to “normative” cultural standards surrounding gender expression. 

This would be a woman dressing in feminine attire or what our culture would consider acceptable for a woman (dress, leggings, certain colors, etc.) or a man dressing in “masculine” attire (pants, athletic gear, polos, tshirts, etc). 

The majority of our culture is “gender conforming” because that is what is expected and acceptable. 

People, generally, like to feel connected and accepted in our culture so most people will follow or conform to what is “in style” or “appropriate” for their gender.

Gender conforming can also be defined as following the “rules”  to your assigned gender at birth or your natal sex. 

Some would not consider transgender people to be gender conforming, even if they are wearing clothes that match their gender. 

Most of the clients and people in our world are gender conforming. 

What I work on with these clients is challenging these “normative” beliefs in order for them to assess what truly is comfortable for them so that it is a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one. 

So often when we conform, we do not think, we just do without being conscious. Whatever your choice is, I want you to realize it is a choice.

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative are people who’s gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female attire. 

Additionally, individuals who are gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. 

Some people may present more neutral or androgenous while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire. 

People who are gender creatives may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities such as non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, gender bending, gender non-conforming, or something else. 

For the clients that I work with who are gender creatives, often have a strong sense of internal identity and also really connect with the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Others do not connect to either at all. 

 

Gender Identity and Gender Expression are NORMAL!

To be clear, there is nothing clinically problematic or concerning about gender expression or identity AT ALL. 

The individuals who see me and are gender non-confomring or creative are either seeing me for a completely different reason (and just want an identity affirming therapist) or are wanting to work through how to manage the difficulties within our society with “non-conforming.” 

As you may imagine, someone who is not conforming to societal norms experiences a lot of unique stressors, and with gender expression being something that you “show” the world – it creates a lot of difficulty due to people’s hate and inability to learn and grow. 

Regardless of how you express your gender, whether you conform or not, at LCAT we see you and we are here to help provide a safe, comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and learn and grow to be in your best empowered self!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Pride Month

Happy Pride! – June is LGBTQ+ Pride Month

Happy Pride! – June is LGBTQ+ Pride Month

 

June is pride month – happy pride. 

This pride month is different from other prides in the past. This Pride month is during a pandemic and the mass realization of racial oppression within our culture. This year, I am writing a very different Pride message than I would have expected.

Pride will not be massive parades with rainbows everywhere. In the age of social distancing we must find new ways to celebrate our identities. Perhaps we should consider fighting for our black voices and black folks who are a vital piece of our community.

Pride Month

As a community, the LGBTQ+ community intersects all races, religions, abilities, relationship types, etc. As a community we know what it has been like to be oppressed or discriminated against.  If it were not for the black community so of the pivotal points in our history would not have happened. Because of black trans women’s bravery, we were able to work towards the progress we have made today. Obviously, there continues to be bigotry out there, and right now I am noticing the massive level of harm being perpetrated against the black community.

I hope that we are able to stand up for and with the black community as our culture finally begins to awaken to the massive systemic racism that is occurring against the black community. This racism is not new. This racism is hundreds of years old and only now are we “seeing.” We must continue to see and lend voices when appropriate and elevate voices that are important. The system has to change.

Instead of marching only in pride parades, I would suggest marching and rallying with the black community to show black lives matter. We are standing with you. Allow our rainbows and energy be brought to a community that is being killed. A community that without their contribution within our community, we would not be as far. 

I love how this community intersects all communities and there are certainly times that we forget that and prioritize white voices in the queer community. Now is time for us to examine our own racism, our own system, our own community – so we can do better because when we know better, we need to do better.

For pride 2020, I stand in solidarity with the black community to support and elevate their voices and their stories. Here at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC we stand with the black community. We will continue to provide a safe space for the black community and activists alike to share their story and address their experiences during this time. We will continue to learn, we will continue to listen, we will continue to stand with you. We stand with you. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Cis Het

What Does Cis Het Mean?

What Does Cis Het Mean?

 

Have you heard the term “cis het”?

In our society, there are a lot of terms being shared. One of the most popular ones right now is “cis-het.” 

Often, I am asked what this term “cis het” means or find myself hearing this term often in sessions. 

 

“Cis”

Cisgender or more commonly referred to as “cis”  is a term that references someones gender identity. 

Cisgender refers to someone whos natal (birth) sex is congruent with gender identity/presentation (ie someone born female and identifies as a woman or someone born male and identifies as male.)

When someone says you are “cis” it means that your biological sex and gender you identify correspond. 

 

“Het”

Heterosexual or “het” is a term that references someones sexual identity. Someone who is heterosexual is sexually interested to the “other” sex or gender (if we are looking at gender as a binary). Heterosexual relationships are other sex relationships (male/female pairings). 

 

“Cis” + “Het”= CISHET

The combination of cisgender and heterosexual is what is now commonly known as “cishet.” 

This refers to the majority of the population who’s birth or natal sex are congruent with thei gender identity and presentation and are sexually and romantically interested in the other sex. 

Basically, a straight person who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.

People who are categorized as “cishet” are typically seen within the “norm” of society (which is typically referred to as “heteronormativity”). 

Recently, there have been memes depicting “cishet woman” that are caucasian or white with stereotypical, middle-aged, white woman names such as “Karen” or “Susan” or “Carol.” 

This has stimulated a debate among various groups of people. 

Being a “Karen” seems to imply a lack of social awareness and/or privilege. 

Although I am not a proponent of name calling, I will be calling on people who are white, cisgender, and heterosexual human to recognize their privilege. 

I challenge you to see your privilege and use it to elevate those who are not. 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.