Nicole Scrivano, Author at Life Coaching and Therapy

Feeling Overwhelmed? Let's Solve Your Anxiety and Depression!

As a therapist in the age of COVID, I have heard a lot from my clients and community sharing increased feelings of anxiety, depression, and feeling overwhelmed.

Social distancing, quarantining, and uncertainty in our lives and communities has exacerbated people’s mental health symptoms.

This pandemic created a world of uncertainty and put a halt on the world we live in.

In these uncertain times, people are reporting higher levels of feeling overwhelmed, anxiety, trauma, and depressive symptoms.

We know living in isolation or with minimal contact with others or no physical contact can have large impacts on people.

What Can we Do if we are Feeling Overwhelmed?

Clients have been sharing how this difficulty has created or exacerbated symptoms for them. We spend sessions reflecting on these emotions, ways to cope, and ways to connect with people.

Find Ways To Express Yourself

In times like these, it is important to find ways to express yourself.

Ways to express yourself include writing, art, talking with a trusted support (professional or informal), or creating.

There are so many ways we can express ourselves to counter feeling overwhelmed.

This allows us to have an outlet for feelings we are having. Finding ways to reflect on our experiences and emotions is vital in maintaining our health in times like these.

Find Things to Do

Find things to do that promote your safety and pleasure.

Keeping busy can be helpful or finishing projects that you have struggled to complete in the past! Distraction can be a useful tool in managing mental health symptoms.

To be clear, distraction is NOT avoidance. Distraction is a temporary tool to use when you are feeling overwhelmed or other negative emotions - and you have to go back to your emotions and still work through them.

Things to do can be like new hobbies, exercise, listening to music, cleaning, watching a show, or something else! Find ways to stay appropriately busy, NOT avoidant or overfunctioning.

Find Ways to Connect with Others

In this time of social distancing where we have limited physical contact with others, connection can be hard. It can create feelings of isolation, loneliness, or depression. Feeling Overwhelmed

Connection is a natural antidote to these things and can certainly help these experiences.

Social Media or technology has afforded us with the ease of connecting to others. I think the important way to use this tool is with boundaries that create opportunity for intentional communication and with boundaries.

Connection can look like instant messages, phone calls, video calls, or posting things that connect you to others on social media. Schedule times to connect with people through these modalities creates certainty in these uncertain times.

Additionally, if you feel comfortable and safe to do so (while following CDC guidelines) there are a variety of socially distant connections you can make in person. Depending on where you live with differing guidelines, there are different ways to connect with others.

If its possible to have physical connection with others in your household whether that is snuggling, massage, walking together, exercising together, hugging, etc.

Find Ways to Connect with Yourself

Connection does not stop with others. It starts with yourself. Taking the time to connect with yourself through self-reflection, self-touch, and self-love. There are so many ways to connect with yourself to work towards growth, healing, and connection.

If you are looking for extra support during these tough times, we offer tele-therapy sessions here at LCAT and are happy to help!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Black Lives Matter

Black Lives Matter! Period.

Race. Racism. White Supremacy. The Patriarchy. Heteronormativity.

For hundreds of years a variety of communities have been marginalized and harmed by the words above. Each of these systems have harmed our culture and communities on a variety of levels.

The black community has been harmed irreparably. Over the last month, we have watched as there have been deaths, protests, funerals, calls to actions, arrests, etc. As a community, many of us have watched in horror at the atrocities. Some of us have donated, some of us have cried, some of us have protested, some of us have written, some of us have used our voices, and some of us have held our loved ones close.

Although there has been support for the black community, there has also been hate.

White Supremacy has continued, confirming what so many have been challenging the system to see for years.

#BlackLivesMatter is important and vital. This movement has shown the importance of continuing to stand up together and try to create a new system.

It is naive to think that this system will change overnight, and that is why it is vital for us to stand in solidarity and continue this support to the black community. Black Lives Matter!

As a therapist, I have spent the majority of my career supporting those who are in marginalized populations. Over the last several weeks, almost all of my sessions have been focused on the current events surrounding black community and police brutality.

In moments like this, where there is systemic trauma (and there has been for years), I see the same trauma symptoms we would see from other acute traumatic experiences.

The black community has been faced with such systemic trauma that it has caused much of the community to show trauma symptoms.

We spend sessions processing difficult emotions, trauma symptoms, and having a safe space to express the complexity of their emotional experience.

My black clients are reporting flashbacks surrounding racism, microaggressions; as well as hypervigilance in a world that has caused so much harm to people in bodies like theirs.

Clients are also focusing on the experiences their family, friends, and community has experienced across time.

Expressing feelings of voicelessness and fear, and understandably anger. black lives matter

For my non-black clients, there has been so much recognition of things “I should have seen earlier,” or expressions of guilt, etc.

We spend our sessions reflecting on our privilege, challenging white supremacy, and addressing ways to stand with the black community.

I challenge all of us to do this work to make changes to this harmful system and not invalidate this movement with the “all lives matter” argument.

Whether you donate, protest (virtually or in person), read, speak out, write, create policy, or something else - we need to do our part in working to change this system.

To the black community, LCAT stands with you and for you.

We are here for you because #BlackLivesMatter.

We also speak out against those saying all lives matter, in knowing that of course all lives matter BUT the lives and voices needing protection, support, and elevation right now are black lives.

Black lives matter. Black Lives Matter. Black Lives Matter.

Here at LCAT, we are here to provide support to all POC, queer, differently abled, protestors, activists, genders, gender identity, ethnicities, religions, etc.

We are here to provide support and a safe place to learn and grow together, because to paraphrase Dr. Maya Angelou when we know better, we do better, and it is certainly time to do better.

Black Lives Matter. Period.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

If you have any questions, we would love to facilitate a conversation with you.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Therapy in the Age of Covid-19

Here at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC (LCAT) we have practiced telemedicine to support emotional and relational healing . LCAT has utilized this non-traditional technique before the pandemic and were able to make the transition to predominately telemedicine seamlessly.

Telemedicine (teletherapy or telehealth) is virtual therapy most commonly phone or video sessions (as this is what is currently covered by most insurances… especially during COVID). Texting therapy is another modality used but not covered in most insurance plans.

Teletherapy in COVID-19

Covid has reshaped the world. There is a lot of suffering, a lot of fear, a lot of loss, and a lot of frustration. In addition to the challenging emotions in all of this, there have been changes in the way the healthcare field that have allowed for varying accessibility to support the safety and health of patients and their practitioners.

Many of my clients have had worries about telemedicine prior to COVID, but during this pandemic have begun utilizing and have found it to be better than they expected. Some cite it’s convenience while others identify it not “feeling much different.”

As a therapist, I have enjoyed being able to be in people’s environments with them and utilize technology to intervene differently than I could in the past. In my opinion in some cases, it has made a cognitive shift to make those connections within their homes. In my practice, I have been able to utilize telemedicine to share screens, have clients sit in different rooms on different devices, show me their environments to come up with reasonable solutions, utilize EMDR, completing tasks together rather than making plans to do them, and workbooks. Clients have in many cases reported enjoying this more and finding it more effective.

The ability to utilize these different interventions in technology have allowed for further connections between couples, families, and individuals. Challenging couples and families to have difficult conversations and face differing realities - allowing for an opportunity for relationships to find new strategies to meet the needs. Telehealth has allowed for closer connections to be fostered in all of the difficulty that is in our world right now.

Sometimes that has allowed relationships to also see what is not possible and making conscious and intentional decisions to end the relationship (“conscious uncoupling”). This conscious decision allows for relationships to work amicably at collaborating to end a relationship. Telemedicine allows for these opportunities to work through this with more emotional safety and coaching around communication.

Come to LCAT

Although telemedicine is not for everyone it can provide new opportunities for emotional and relational healing. Video, text, and phone therapy can be just what people may need if they are feeling stuck and have not found traditional models helpful.

At LCAT each of our staff has been doing these modalities from the start. If you are interested in working on emotional healing through telehealth we are here for you, we take some insurances and offer sliding scales as well. Please check insurance plans to see what is covered under your plan.

We are continuing to offer telehealth services to support the safety of our patients, staff, and community. Please contact us for more information!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Happy Pride! - June is LGBTQ+ Pride Month

June is pride month - happy pride.

This pride month is different from other prides in the past. This Pride month is during a pandemic and the mass realization of racial oppression within our culture. This year, I am writing a very different Pride message than I would have expected.

Pride will not be massive parades with rainbows everywhere. In the age of social distancing we must find new ways to celebrate our identities. Perhaps we should consider fighting for our black voices and black folks who are a vital piece of our community.

As a community, the LGBTQ+ community intersects all races, religions, abilities, relationship types, etc. As a community we know what it has been like to be oppressed or discriminated against. If it were not for the black community so of the pivotal points in our history would not have happened. Because of black trans women’s bravery, we were able to work towards the progress we have made today. Obviously, there continues to be bigotry out there, and right now I am noticing the massive level of harm being perpetrated against the black community.

I hope that we are able to stand up for and with the black community as our culture finally begins to awaken to the massive systemic racism that is occurring against the black community. This racism is not new. This racism is hundreds of years old and only now are we “seeing.” We must continue to see and lend voices when appropriate and elevate voices that are important. The system has to change.

Instead of marching only in pride parades, I would suggest marching and rallying with the black community to show black lives matter. We are standing with you. Allow our rainbows and energy be brought to a community that is being killed. A community that without their contribution within our community, we would not be as far.

I love how this community intersects all communities and there are certainly times that we forget that and prioritize white voices in the queer community. Now is time for us to examine our own racism, our own system, our own community - so we can do better because when we know better, we need to do better.

For pride 2020, I stand in solidarity with the black community to support and elevate their voices and their stories. Here at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC we stand with the black community. We will continue to provide a safe space for the black community and activists alike to share their story and address their experiences during this time. We will continue to learn, we will continue to listen, we will continue to stand with you. We stand with you.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

What Does Cis Het Mean?

Have you heard the term "cis het"?

In our society, there are a lot of terms being shared. One of the most popular ones right now is “cis-het.”

Often, I am asked what this term “cis het” means or find myself hearing this term often in sessions.

“Cis”

Cisgender or more commonly referred to as “cis” is a term that references someones gender identity.

Cisgender refers to someone whos natal (birth) sex is congruent with gender identity/presentation (ie someone born female and identifies as a woman or someone born male and identifies as male.)

When someone says you are “cis” it means that your biological sex and gender you identify correspond.

“Het”

Heterosexual or “het” is a term that references someones sexual identity. Someone who is heterosexual is sexually interested to the “other” sex or gender (if we are looking at gender as a binary). Heterosexual relationships are other sex relationships (male/female pairings).

“Cis” + “Het”= CISHET

The combination of cisgender and heterosexual is what is now commonly known as “cishet.”

This refers to the majority of the population who’s birth or natal sex are congruent with thei gender identity and presentation and are sexually and romantically interested in the other sex.

Basically, a straight person who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.

People who are categorized as “cishet” are typically seen within the “norm” of society (which is typically referred to as “heteronormativity”).

Recently, there have been memes depicting “cishet woman” that are caucasian or white with stereotypical, middle-aged, white woman names such as “Karen” or “Susan” or “Carol.”

This has stimulated a debate among various groups of people.

Being a “Karen” seems to imply a lack of social awareness and/or privilege.

Although I am not a proponent of name calling, I will be calling on people who are white, cisgender, and heterosexual human to recognize their privilege.

I challenge you to see your privilege and use it to elevate those who are not.

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Trauma Counseling to Recover from People Pleasing

Often in trauma counseling and emotional healing, we focus on trauma responses that occur and perpetuate throughout someone’s life.

The three most widely acknowledged trauma responses are: fight, flight, or freeze.

Often these responses are unconscious and automatic, and if you are interested in your own traumatic response cycle, continue to read below!

Trauma Responses

Traumatic responses caused by triggers are often seen in trauma counseling.

The fight response is when someone is activated or “triggered” and responds aggressively or in a dominating way. Fight can look like literally getting into fight, speaking aggressively, or even be a pursuer dynamic.

Flight is where someone leaves or “runs away.” This can look like someone emotionally removing themselves, literally removing themself from the circumstance, or avoiding any of the things that remind them of said trauma.

Freeze is when someone’s body and physiological responses “shut down.” This can look like someone not being able to move, someone not being responsive, or someone completely dissociating.

These trauma responses are most noted and discussed due to the research around Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which is historically done around large scale traumas). These responses are clear and valid responses and after often addressed in trauma counseling and therapy.

As we learn more about trauma and the impact it can have, it has become more clear that “fawning” or “placating” is another trauma response.

This is the response of “people pleasing” or placating others to avoid conflict or further harm/trauma to appease the abuser.

This looks like a child trying to appease a parent to avoid further harm or a partner agreeing to something that they wouldn’t otherwise agree to if not for the fear of the others.

This also can look like someone constantly looking to others for approval.

Each of these trauma responses is an automatic response your brain has.

These responses are out of one’s control often and out of their own awareness.

Through trauma counseling or therapy and emotional healing these can be addressed to find various new strategies or coping mechanisms to manage when these responses happen after the trauma.

Trauma Counseling

Fawning and Recovery

In my professional experience, I have seen many clients who have struggled with fawning.

These individuals require frequent validation, often avoid conflict, and often work to please/appease others around them to their own detriment.

Like all trauma responses, this is an automatic process which can then create subconscious patterns in people’s lives where people continue this response into a strategy in their relationships.

This strategy relates to clients engaging in this behavior across contexts and relationships. Often I work with couples where there is a level of codependency in the relationship where one or both partners engage in this dynamic, creating a difficult dynamic within the relationship.

Whether individual or within a relationship, creating recovery around people pleasing is hard because of its origins.

In my professional experience, it requires revisiting the origins of this pattern and how this strategy met the needs you had at the time.

Being able to recognize that this strategy is no longer useful is necessary to work with your therapist to find new strategies to get your needs met.

Another important piece of this is to recognize ways to feel safe.

Recognizing that people who experience trauma do not feel safe, and remind yourself that finding safety is important. Safety can be emotional, physical, relational, and environmental.

Depending on your experience, finding safety can be a necessity.

There are so many things that can be useful to “people pleaser’s” in their recovery that the list can go on and on.

The best advice I can give as a therapist is to find a therapist who you can trust and work through this with.

That includes if you are in a relationship because whether you recognize it or not, your relationship(s) have been impacted by these experiences.

Look for someone who specializes in trauma therapy, trauma work, or trauma counseling, these are the first steps towards emotional healing.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out LCAT’s Owner’s YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Are you dating a narcissistic?

Dating a narcissistic is complicated to say the least, whether the narcissist is your parent, partner, boss, or best friend. From what I have learned from my clients and my education, it is clear that there are some tell-tale signs of what it looks like to be associated with someone who is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies.

Often narcissists will demonstrate obsession or idealization of the person. This person is usually on a pedestal and the narcissist will sing this person's praises (aka love bombing). The person gets significance from the narcissist and connection. The narcissist also gets significance through the adoration and admiration of the other person. This is a vital need for someone who is a narcissist.

The relationship between the narcissist and the other person (often someone who is co-dependent, people pleaser, or a trauma victim) engage in this relationship as long as the non-narcissistic person continues to engage in the relationship in the same way. As boundaries are set or requests are made or attention shifts, the person who is engaging in narcissistic behaviors begins to disconnect from their partner or other person.

The non-narcissist is now no longer perfect or idealized and the person with narcissism devalues and eventually discards the other person. Often at this point in the relationship the narcissist will increase behaviors such as gaslighting, crazy-making conversation, withdrawing, and seeking alternative ways to get their needs met (other friendship, partners, or family members).

At times the person with narcissistic tendencies or with the personality disorder will self-sabotage creating circumstances where other people will abandon them due to their behavior (abusive or ethically questionable). Other times, the narcissistic person will disengage completely as to be the person in control and “to leave” before they are left.

As long as the narcissistic person is getting their needs met of significance through someone elevating them and focusing on their needs they will continue the relationship. As soon as that need is not being met, the person will repeat the cycle.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

What is Narcissism?

“What is narcissism” seems to be a buzzword lately around Life Coaching and Therapy and on the internet.

Having and or knowing someone who is a narcissist is complicated, confusing, and at times overwhelming.

Within my clinical practice, I work with those who have been impacted by narcissists or those who identify as narcissists.

Today, I will try to answer the question “what is narcissism” and bring some clarity.

According to GoodTherapy (2019), narcissism is “excessive self-involvement that causes a person to ignore the needs of others.”

Even though we may behave in a self-involved manner, when we are doing it chronically and at the expense of others without accountability, that is when it becomes problematic.

GoodTherapy (2019) states that clear indicators of narcissism are:

incredibly self-focused
difficulty empathizing with others
Entitlement
attention seeking behavior
a focus on the narrative of others, need for admiration or affirmations
difficulty in relationships
inability to take responsibility for their actions or behavior
unable to tolerate criticism, and
seeking approval from others (GoodTherapy, 2019).

When asking “what is narcissism,” I think it is important to consider there is a spectrum of this ranging from those who have narcissistic tendencies and someone who has an extreme form of narcissism that is a “personality disorder.”

To some degree, we all have parts of us that demonstrate self-serving behaviors, yet that does not mean you are engaging in narcissistic behavior or abuse.

Narcissism: A Family Pattern

Often people who are narcissists are raised in a narcissistic environment.

Their family of origin or people integral in their lives are also narcissistic.

It may appear to be an intergenerational pattern - so that if you look at the person who is acting like a narcissist, you will find their close family members demonstrating these same qualities.

People raised by narcissistic caregivers often struggle with questioning their own reality and emotions.

This constant invalidation creates significant struggles for them as a child and eventual adult as they grow up to have relationships within the community.

Being raised in an environment that is unpredictable where caregivers may show public affection and are distant creates issues in attachment.

This is particularly challenging for children as they learn attachment (which sets the road map for their relationships moving forward) with their caregivers.

Focusing on individual needs rather than that of the family or the child creates a system of modeling this behavior, elevating the “narcissistic part” over the “collaborative” or “empathetic” part(s).

Thus creating another generation that may struggle with narcissism.

This is not to say “it's my parents’ fault” or to blame someone else (that can be a narcissistic trait).

The point is to recognize that this pattern probably began generations ago.

Often these behaviors are strategies to get a need met or survive trauma.

Behaviors are passed down from generation to generation until someone decides to change them.

As a systemic therapist, this makes sense.

We become and act on what we know.

If we are not intentionally aware of the processes that we learned, we will repeat them.

As someone who specializes in trauma, I often see my clients regress into narcissistic tendencies while in “trauma spirals.”

To be clear, regardless of if you are a narcissist or acting as a narcissist due stress or trauma… it does not justify acting abusively, harmfully, or with disregard to the impact on those around you.

If you are engaging in narcissistic behavior, you are likely engaging in some abusive patterns. I repeat, if you are engaging in narcissistic patterns of behavior, regardless of the reason, you may be engaging in abusive patterns as well.

Can the Cycle be Broken?

In one word, absolutely.

Building insight and awareness with the narcissistic part of you is a skill we teach at LCAT.

If we are looking at ourselves as made up of various aspects (see Inner Aspects model by Francesca Gentille), we can acknowledge and see that we all have parts of us that are narcissistic.

If we are able to look at that part of us, see that part of us, and work with that part of us we are capable of disrupting the pattern.

Acknowledging that we are engaging in these patterns, being committed to doing things differently, and showing up to do the work allows for growth to happen.

The cycle cannot and will not be broken if individuals are not able to see their part, take accountability, and be willing to do the work though.

If your narcissistic part is the part that dominates your person, it may be difficult to do this because that part of you will not want to take responsibility.

Our role would be to help you gently and tenderly acknowledge that you are engaging in destructive, toxic, and or abusive behaviors.

Then, we would help give you the pieces to put your life back as you see fit.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Is Healing Trauma Possible? A New Normal in the Age of COVID

COVID-19 has taken the world by storm creating a system of stress, chaos, and trauma.

As mental health professionals, our goal is to help our clients in healing trauma, yet what happens when there is systemic trauma?

Many are wondering how we are going to heal from this trauma, and how will we recover as individuals, families, relationships, communities, as a nation, and as a world?

I have discussed systemic trauma in terms of oppression of marginalized populations, yet this pandemic is causing waves of trauma reverberating throughout the world.

To be clear, marginalized populations have been hit hardest in terms of this pandemic. According to data from the State of Connecticut online, COVID-19 infection rate for the black population and the hispanic population is double the infection rate for the white population.

Yet the resources are still not going to the vulnerable communities.

Loved ones are not seeing one another, people are isolated, people are dying, people are living in fear. It is CLEAR that the broader system has been impacted.

The level of uncertainty in the world around us can become overwhelming.

As a mental health professional, I see so many around me personally and professionally struggling in the face of this pandemic and they all seem to want to begin healing the trauma, even though we are in it.

As families are trying to create a new “normal” in the face of this global, systemic trauma, some families are planning funerals.

Healing Trauma

Unfortunately, we do not know the long term effects of this on individuals, communities, and broader systems.

What we do know is that these impacts will be great and we will need more support… probably emotionally, intellectually, somatically, and specifically around healing trauma.

The veil has been lifted in our communities, our political system, and the world.

Now as a community, we urge those that can to work together to create a world that is better than when this began.

What can you do to help, if you are able?

Begin to notice your privilege.
- Not everyone has the same resources or safety that you do.
- Some people cannot afford food.
- When you say “we are all going to be fine,” realize that that isn’t true for everyone. We have seen countless lives already impacted in mental health.
Realize that you impact others
Take care of yourself - shower, feed yourself, socially distance, etc.
Sew some masks for people that you know are struggling with supplies.
Cook meals for those who are in need.

We cannot unsee the atrocities and lives lost.

We cannot unsee how marginalized communities were hit harder than privileged communities.

We cannot unsee the value of mental health, the value of health care, the value of our communities.

My hope is that we can come together as a community, and work towards healing trauma together to address what we know more than ever to be true… Can we create a new normal together?

At Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC we are ready to collaborate with you!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Coming Out is Not Just One and Done

Coming out is a complicated process within the LGBTQ/queer community. Coming out is when someone within the queer community discloses their identity to others. These experiences can be complicated for a variety of different reasons.

Coming out can be complicated for people due to an internalized process known as internalized queerphobia which is an individual internalizing the messages (covert or overt) from their culture, community, family, and friends around queer identities. Generally speaking, the dominant cultural narrative is not one of overt support of queer identities.

A common misconception around coming out is that you do it once or twice and then it’s over. That is DEFINITELY not the case. As a queer person, coming out happens often and is a process that continues throughout your life. Everytime you meet someone or have a new stage happen in your life or your relationship it creates another opportunity to come out.

What Does that Look Like?

Just like in our brains we replay what we do not heal from our childhoods, the same things show up in the coming out experience. If you initially have a difficult coming out experience or have lived in a community that does not support the LGBTQ+ community this will likely come out at each major juncture or time you have to come out.

News flash: our community and culture has only recently been remotely inclusive so most queer people have underlying messages and meanings that have been created as a result. These underlying messages or meanings that are created begin to impact the way queer people think and see themselves consciously or unconciously (internalized queerphobia).

Wait… what?

So basically what I am saying (from my experience in the field) is that when queer people come out on a day to day and then in large moments of their life it activitates those pathways created around internalized queerphobia from the course of their coming out experience.

When you are going through a new stage in your life or having to come out again and again, the pathways from the original experiences you have around coming out or around disclosing a vulnerable identity are likely to reactivate.

Example time. So often times during the initial coming out people can be rejected by people and/or they may also have their boundaries violated. Ask most queer people and they will tell you 100000 inappropriate questions that they were asked when they came out (who’s the man/woman? Who’s baby is it? Who’s on top? What do you even do? What parts do you have? The list goes on and on).

Yes. People do ask these things. So when a queer person begins to move towards a new stage of your life or begin to engage witih a new community… these boundary violations happen again. This often triggers experiences similar to when this has happened before. If you have had a particularly challenging coming out experience (rejection, abandonment, shaming, violation of boundaries, dismissal of identity) and this has not been processed through, this can all erupt again for you.

Coming out and Trauma

Often in my practice, I see clients have some level of regression each time they take these steps. These steps can be something minor like coming out to someone from their past to marriage, to having children, to losing someone, etc. The regression can show up in a variety of different ways like increased anxiety, irritability, or more extreme through reacting in trauma (the flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response).

In many, coming out has been traumatic to varying degrees whether it is their coming out or the coming out process of their partner(s).

coming out

I believe this to be because it activates their internalized queerphobia (unconscious process) and any remaining struggles that they experienced during their coming out (conscious process). This can happen to varying degrees depending on the significance of the internalized queerphobia or the un-healed parts during their coming out. When people are responding from a place of trauma, they are often unaware of the impact they have on themselves or those around them.

This may seem really confusing, I totally feel and hear that. What I am trying to encourage people to consider is the long term impact of how internalized queerphobia and the ongoing coming out process impact queer people’s quality of life over the course of their life. There is not enough awareness of this impact across the world or an understanding of ways to support the queer community in a real way.

Prevention: A Call for Community Healing

This is the systemic impact of being a marginalized community, the multitude of layers of complexity that can be created is a crap storm for individuals and those around them. Working together to heal ourselves, our cultural beliefs, and supporting those around us can help lessen the blow to the queer community and those they love.

Prevention would be the best medicine. That would require a systemic change in the way we as a community, see, support, and engage with the queer community. It would be creating a culture of inclusivity, support, learning, and access. Prevention requires the community to do things differently. We have ample evidence (through multiple marginalized communities) that this system doesn’t work. “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.” - Margaret Mead

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

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by Nicole Scrivano

Nicole Scrivano

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