Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

 

You may be surprised to hear that more and more men are seeking help from sexual therapists. These days more men are seeking sex therapy than women at our practice. 

The availability of sex therapy and more open attitudes around talking about sex and getting help have made men more comfortable seeking therapy. That’s a great thing!

In talking to many of the men I come in contact with, a lot of them express similar feelings with regards to intimacy challenges with female partners. They want sex more, they want it longer, and they sometimes feel like their wives, girlfriends, or partners don’t care as much as they’d like.

In long-term relationships, it can almost feel like you’re playing roles. One of you is more sexual, one is better with the finances. You might be a kid person, while your partner is better with fixing the sink.

It’s easy to fall into defined roles in all aspects of life, even with sex. However, the great news is that things aren’t so set in stone, and you can work with your partner to make things better.

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

The Ebb and Flow of Sexual Passion

Understand that passion, and certainly, sexual passion rests on a spectrum at any given moment. Think about your sexual desire. Sometimes you’re burning hot with desire for your wife or partner, and sometimes you’re not so on fire.

Think about a time when you’ve been apart for a longer period. Have you ever traveled for work or been away for more than a week? How do you feel if your wife comes out of the bathroom at night dressed in sexy new lingerie or asks you to use a vibrator on her? Chances are that your sex drive and desire for your partner experience a significant spike.

The point is, sexual desire is impacted by so many factors, internal and external. The way you and your partner feel, what’s happened to you during the day, how you’ve been treating each other recently, the way you look, and so many other things influence both of your interest in sex.

 

Understanding Male and Female Sexual Perception

The frustration that a lot of men have is they feel their female partners are just not into it. There are certainly genetic differences in humans when it comes to sex drive. The variance, though, is probably not as large between men and women as so many people believe.

Most men and women are simply programmed a bit differently. We also project our impressions on our partners, which isn’t always helpful.

A lot of women, for instance, believe their partners are only interested in quickies. So many women tell me their male partners are all about the climax, and that everything else is simply a garnish to them.

That, though, is a huge oversimplification about men's’ sexual motives. Most men want, certainly with their partners, engaging and loving sex that’s fulfilling to everyone involved.

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

Women, on the other hand, tend to be much more cerebral when it comes to sex. They have to be emotionally engaged and clear of the distractions we carry throughout the day.

Most of the time, women carry a great deal of emotional strain, worried about work, children, the house, and a million other things.

Adding initiating sex at the end of the day to that list can be exhausting. Additionally, many women struggle with not knowing what kind of sex they want or like.

What ends up happening is a lot of “duty sex”, where the male partner initiates, women obliged to please their partner, and everyone is a 6/10 on the happy scale.

 

Stoking Your Partner’s Passion for Sex

Things don’t have to be this way! Many of the women and men I work with come to realize that sex can be fun and deeply fulfilling for both partners. All it takes is some legwork to understand your partner’s sexual cues and doing the work to get in the right headspace.

For men, and I hate to generalize but this typically rings true, some grabbing and kissing, and a hand on their penis is usually all it takes to set the mood.

Women, though, are not so easy. Here are some ways you can help your female partner feel more comfortable about sex and initiating the type of sex she wants.

 

  1. Don’t always bring up sex right before you want to have sex

Find a time to talk about how your sex life has been going and what you want out of it. Telling your partner you’d like to try anal sex as you’re lying naked in bed isn’t the best approach. A partner will feel more comfortable getting feedback and talking about what they’d like if they are sure that you’re paying attention and not discussing it to serve your interests.

 

  1. Make-out more with nothing else

You and your partner may have settled into a pattern when both of you (or one of you) equate physical touch with initiating sex. Engage in some kissing and cuddling more often. Small investments over time will help build up your intimacy when sex happens.

 

  1. Share physical touch that is focused on her. THEN ASK HER ABOUT IT!

Find time to focus physical touch on her without you orgasming or anything like that. Invest the time in making her feel good about sexual touch and build trust that you’re interested in pleasing her.

After your “touch” sessions, ask her about it! Find out what she liked and didn’t like and use that to inform your interactions going forward.

 

  1. Share sexual touch that ends in orgasms for no one

This is another thing you can do to help your wife or partner feel more comfortable with touch and feel aroused. It helps a lot of women to know that you enjoy touching, kissing, and feeling her as much as you like having an orgasm.

 

  1. Encourage her to talk about her orgasm the next day. Use encouragement!

Remember to follow up on the times when sex is fantastic. Always offer more positive feedback than you think is necessary.

 

  1. Ask about sex dates you can commit to just her, and some dates that are all about you

Many women flourish when boundaries and intent are clear. If you’re both going into a weekend or a night away at a hotel knowing that it’s all about her, then she’ll be more likely to open up. She’ll also have the time to mentally prepare for the intimacy. The better things are for her, the better they’ll be for you when it’s your turn.

Recognize when your partner’s not up for the whole show and only wants a preview. These steps help but there’s so much more you can do! Over time, it will build trust and give her the space to feel comfortable initiating sex.

 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist

Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist

 

Divorce is tough, there’s no getting around it. No matter how bad things get, and no matter how happy you might think you’ll be after it’s over, most people are woefully unprepared for the realities of divorced life.

It’s easy in the middle of screaming fights or after going months without sex to think about how great life will be once the divorce is final. We get seduced into dreaming about starting over in a new, perfect life.

What you don’t realize, though, is that when a marriage ends, a lot more goes out the door with it. Your life changes. Yes, you’re removing something that was potentially abusive and traumatic from your life, however, some positives get sacrificed on the altar of divorce every day.

Managing the disruptive ripples of divorce is one of the main reasons people need therapy during, and after, the process. Here are some of the ways a licensed therapist can help you deal with everything divorce entails.

 

Dealing with Social Rearrangement

Depending on how long you’ve been married, it’s hard to imagine what life will be like alone. A lot of times, we fall into this trap where we imagine our lives will revert to what it was like before we met our spouse.

We don’t account for how we’ve changed. Your priorities, career, age, and a whole bunch of other things are different. You might have kids, pets, and different friends.

divorce

Dealing with the social aspect of divorce can be trying, especially when we’re vulnerable and need to rely on friends. What happens when all of your friends are married couples that you met with your ex or soon to be ex-spouse?

You may go looking for a shoulder to cry on, only to discover that your “friend” has already chosen sides, and it’s not yours. You’re also going to have to manage your feelings when your friends want to maintain relationships with both of you even though you’re no longer together.

Losing friends is a part of divorce most people don’t think about.

 

What About All of the Logistics?

Therapists can be a “divorce coach” for all intents and purposes. Odds are, they’ve dealt with several divorcees in the past. They know what’s involved in the process.

A therapist can help you sift through the minutiae of divorce to help you make sure you’re not taken advantage of.

They’ll draw on other clients’ experiences to advise you on things you might be overlooking, like coming to an agreement over visitation rights, the right approach to dealing with in-laws after a divorce and splitting up your possessions.

Separating lives that have been intertwined for so long is extremely challenging. It’s also overwhelming. Dealing with the stress of divorce makes a lot of people want to throw up their hands and say, “Forget it!” over a lot of things that will matter to them down the road.

Divorce is one of the main causes of financial hardship. High legal costs, the long time it takes to unwind joint assets, having to sell your house quickly to settle your affairs, and other logistical decisions will have a huge impact on your life ahead.

Having a therapist who you can trust who’s dealt with divorce in the past can be a guide you can lean on for advice when things get rough.

 

Helping You Keep Your Kids Centered

It’s bad enough to go through a divorce, but it can be even worse when kids are involved. When you love your children so much, it’s hard to imagine not being able to see them every day or have total control over how they’re raised.

Children that go through a divorce all experience trauma to some extent. The separation of a family unit, no matter how amicable, is never the same.

divorce

Children also aren’t always the most understanding. They may not recognize that you need or needed a divorce to protect yourself and live happily. They may resent you for your decisions.

A therapist will help you work through a divorce and mitigate risks to your children and the relationships you have with them. It will keep you focused on considering their well-being even when they seem to be doing alright.

 

Therapists Can Help You Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes

In most divorces, couples share the blame. Yes, there are situations where a spouse is abusive or manipulative, and those certainly should end in divorce. Most, though, happens when a couple is no longer able to overcome resentment. Heels are dug in too deep and no one’s willing to give anymore.

What many people don’t realize, is that they assign the reason for their divorce to the individual to whom they were married. It was a difference of personality or you fell out of love.

So many things, though, drive us toward divorce. Whether it’s childhood trauma, failure to deal with our parents’ divorce, depression, shame, or some other issue, there are personal influences in all of us that contribute to divorce.

Therapists work with clients to identify obstacles to connection and any destructive patterns we repeat. Too many of my clients have felt like they just met the wrong person, and that they’ll get it right the next time around. Their ex was just a bad apple and they didn’t see it early enough.

Unfortunately, success rates for second and third marriages aren’t any better. They’re even worse. According to Psychology Today, second marriages end in divorce 67% of the time, and 73% of third marriages end in a split.

Perhaps, after one divorce, we’ve normalized separating a bit, so the idea of leaving is less taboo the second or third time around.

Working with a therapist can help you get to the root of issues holding you back from making a real connection and building loving relationships in the future. With hard work, you can break the pattern of mistrust, insecurity, shame, or whatever else is standing in your way.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


When Is Porn Cheating? Identifying Porn Use That Crosses the Line

When Is Porn Cheating? Identifying Porn Use That Crosses the Line

 

Ooh, when someone asked me “is porn cheating” the other day, I thought “this is a touchy subject.”  

In the past ten years, I have seen this as one of most gender-divided topics that other-sex couples struggle with everywhere, and one that same-sex couples often disagree on. 

Does looking at porn constitutes infidelity or cheating?

Views on pornography are all over the place. It’s still a relatively new phenomenon in our society to have access to this material from any place at any time.

Before the internet, pornography was relegated to dimly lit adult stores, hidden in homes, or inside magazines. There was much more stigma around porn, and it was regulated. 

These days, pornography is everywhere. Any barrier to viewing and using porn is simply a formality.

Knowing this, you have to understand that you and your partner will be exposed to more pornography than ever before. It’s a fact we all have to deal with today.

How you view the use of porn will depend on your upbringing, religion, your views on the industry and also how you feel it affects the intimate relationship with your partner.

As usual, avoiding absolutes and working with your partner, with the help of a therapist if necessary, can help you both arrive at a place of love and understanding when it comes to porn.

 

Avoid Porn Shaming

On average, women are around two times more likely than men to report that they never use porn. It’s probably easy for people to understand why porn use is higher among men, yet that doesn’t mean women don’t view and enjoy pornography.

Let me just say it. Your partner has, is, or will likely use pornography at some point during their life.Is Porn Cheating

Realizing that now before you come across it on their phone or computer will save you some heartache when it happens. Any person that says they have not ever seen any pornography may be lying.

Knowing that there are a majority of individuals who have viewed porn at some point should deter you from taking a stern approach if you’re unsettled about your partner’s porn use. 

You may ask “is porn cheating?” and I would say that irregardless, the worst thing you can do is use shame as a motivator to try and change your partner’s behavior. 

 

That’s true with porn and just about every other scenario.

An understanding approach to dealing with pornography in a committed relationship or marriage will help both of you to be open and honest, as well as find a solution that hopefully works and contributes to trust between you. 

Even if there are bigger issues like porn compulsion, shame is not the way to get someone to change.

 

Do You REALLY Want to Know?

Don’t kid yourself about how you’ll feel when you find out what your partner is doing while you’re not looking. If you want to know what’s going on, you’re likely going to be surprised at how often your partner uses porn, much less what they are into online.

A lot of individuals approach watching porn online as a fun, stress-relieving activity. 

They might even be curious at times, searching for some far-out fantasy they have or a certain type of porn that’s not something the two of you have played around with in your intimacy.

How are you going to react if you discover your partner is really into watching threesome videos or bondage porn? 

DO NOT jump to conclusions thinking your partner is unhappy or that their porn viewing habits mean that they are unsatisfied with you. Because, that’s usually not the case.

It’s fine if you want to have an open conversation about porn with your partner, just be prepared for if, and that’s a BIG if, they’re completely forthcoming.

 

When Porn Use Crosses the Line 

Just like with many other things in a committed relationship, porn use crosses the line when it involves deception.

Omitting the truth about porn use can be a red flag. Not being truthful can lead to a slippery slope. It can push the boundaries of what one partner is willing to keep from the other.

We’re not talking about saying you watch porn “a few times a week,” when in fact it’s every day.

 

Is Porn Cheating

When taken to extremes, omissions of truth can help people justify hiding things like affairs or irresponsible financial decisions that impact both parts of a couple and the family system. 

Therapists deal regularly with people who are opposed to pornography for religious beliefs and other ideologies. For some people, it’s a redline that if crossed means a major betrayal of trust. 

That shouldn’t be taken lightly.

It’s hugely disruptive when you enter into a relationship with a common understanding that deteriorates over time. 

Even outside of pornography, imagine discovering your partner doing something both of you vowed to avoid when you committed to each other in the beginning. 

What if you’re against drug use and you find out that your partner loves smoking weed? Would it be a dealbreaker?

What if you thought your partner was satisfied, but really they have been faking orgasms with you a majority of the relationship? Would that justify a betrayal? 

 

So, Is Porn Cheating?

Porn is cheating when you’re actively hiding it from your partner. That means viewing it after you’ve told them you wouldn’t or when you hide it from them, so they don’t even THINK about needing to ask.

Cheating doesn’t always mean you’ve slept with someone else without permission. 

It means you violated the trust in your relationship and cheated on the spoken and non-verbal guidelines that are the foundation of the bond you have. It’s also a major issue if it takes away from your intimacy.

 

Open Communication Is Crucial

Our partners can be sensitive to our porn use, because of moral beliefs or finding out you’re looking at porn triggers insecurities in them. 

Am I not enough for you? What is it about me that isn’t filling that sexual hunger? If my partner is watching porn, will it eventually lead to an affair?

Is Porn Cheating

These concerns are not only legitimate, but doubly so if you or your partner are deceitful about pornography habits.

The solution to porn use, and most other relationship challenges, is open communication and honesty. Laying out the vulnerable parts of you on the table and finding a way to be on the same team and find a win together!

If you’re a porn user, don’t hide it. 

You don’t need to report every time you look at porn or masturbate, yet don’t project one image and then lead some sort of double life. 

If your partner is using porn and you’re concerned about it, try to have an open mind. Don’t be quick to make ultimatums or create shame. That can make things worse. WAY WORSE!

Encourage each other to be honest and accepting. Collaboration is the real key here. 

As you grow older and more mature in your relationship, hopefully fewer things will become real deal breakers, because you’ll realize we’re all human, and that comes with a lot of imperfection. However with imperfection and growth, there is potential for more beauty and greatness.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Is My Relationship Over

Is My Relationship Over?

Is My Relationship Over?

As a sex therapist, I am often told stories and then asked “is my relationship over?”

This is a tough one. Knowing if, and when, your relationship is over is never easy. 

How could something that started so lovingly and bright decay into something where you are questioning is my relationship over?

Dealing with a struggling relationship is complex. Some moments you’re wishing you never met, and the next you remember good times in years past and wondering if it is salvageable.

Every relationship has some kind of volatility. Some ups and downs are great. 

They test our resolve and commitment to each other. 

Arguments and miscommunications are learning opportunities where you can examine your behavior and your partners, and work on self-improvement. 

Ideally, you’re with someone who pushes you to become better than you were before you met and opens you up to new experiences.

Is My Relationship Over

What happens when things aren’t so great? When the lows become more frequent, it can be harder to remember the highs.

 

The Slow Descent into Disconnection

Even in the more dire relationships, there are early warning signs that things aren’t right. It’s easy to look at something like infidelity and assign blame because it’s a climactic event. 

It’s disruptive and so in your face.

Many times, though, those issues are said to be an outward expression of inner sadness, anger, and disappointment that has festered for years. 

This doesn’t excuse any lying, coercive, or destructive behavior like unfaithfulness; it illustrates how many people are often unconscious to the turmoil that is within their relationships. 

What ends up happening, in my opinion, is that emotions seem to build even more, despite people saying or thinking they can handle the status quo of their romantic relationships.

 

When A Breakup is the Best Option

The bottom line is that some relationships won’t last. Just look at how many of us get divorced every year. No matter how much everyone says this is forever, some things fall apart. 

As relationships crumble, there are clear warning signs that you can either accept or choose to ignore.

Typically, when resentment and criticism become a staple of your communication, that’s a major red flag. 

You may also be giving each other the silent treatment more. If you spend hours in silence and are avoiding the conversations about the state of the marriage, your sexual relationship, your needs, and your feelings, you will lose out on years of intimate time together.

Is My Relationship Over

An obvious warning sign to answer “is my relationship over” is when both of you refuse to accept responsibility for something you may have done (or said) wrong because you’ve built up so much resentment that you refuse to accept blame. 

Either that or, sometimes you are so angry at your partner that you don’t care if you were wrong. 

When this happens, we are often at our most core inner triggers and family of origin attachment styles. 

 

The Importance of Self-Love

When you’re in a rough patch with your partner, depending on your personality, you may be tempted to accept an outsized portion of the blame. 

What happens, though, is that you endanger your sense of self-worth. Sacrifice in relationships is important, only to the degree that it does not interfere with your ability to meet your own needs. 

Do not put yourself in a situation where you may be doing long-term damage to your confidence and self-esteem. You may end up with a warped view of what love is.

In the face of willfulness, domestic violence, and more contempt, resentment, or criticism than you feel comfortable with for your own sense of self-worth, the best choice can be to walk away. 

However cliché this sounds, letting someone go can be a true expression of love. 

After all, what’s worse, letting them and yourself free, or taking both of you down in flames, along with your family and friends, to the bitter end?

The thought of separation from a long-term partner or someone you loved so deeply once is often terrifying. 

It’s hard to see now that ending a relationship can lead to happiness in the future.

 

When It’s Worth the Fight

I’ll say this, as a systemic therapist and working in the field of trauma, I do not believe any romantic relationship is irreparable if everyone is willing to work on it. 

Everything can be fixed as long as you’re willing to put in the effort. 

Know this, though, that fighting to save a relationship that many people from the outside looking in would say is over may be like clawing your way out of quicksand. 

When things become so dire that you think breaking up is around the corner, walking yourself away from that edge can be very difficult.

It’s all about whether you’re willing to change, and that goes for your partner too. 

How can you bring yourself to express love to your partner when it’s been months or years since they gave you any sort of affirmation? 

How can you apologize for something that hurt your partner when you feel like you’ve done nothing wrong and are just trying to get your own needs met? 

Is My Relationship Over

Resolving differences in a relationship that’s on life support is multiples harder than what any securely-attached and more integrated couple has to deal with. 

There are layers of built-up resentment, insecurities, and hurt feelings to navigate. The key is whether each of you is willing and capable of taking small, meaningful steps toward reconciliation.

If there is a sincere effort, little by little, acts of goodwill, physical affection, acts of service, and other expressions of love will start creeping back in.

Repetitive positive changes of behavior build trust. However, if it took you years to get to this place, you have to know it will take time to get out!

The real concern is whether enough goodwill can be built up in time before the next storm hits and you face conflict, which inevitably will happen again.

If you and your partner have both experienced trauma and you are asking “is my relationship over,” the stakes appear much higher. 

There is rarely a bank of understanding where each of you has been making deposits for years. 

One mistake triggers whatever trauma the both of you have been through, and then resentment and criticism threaten to rise again like flames out of a volcano (it’s that Pele energy).

 

How Your Therapist Can Help

Working with a licensed therapist won’t solve all of your relationship problems overnight. 

It’s no panacea that will transport you and your partner instantly back to the good old days when things were romantic, deep, and exciting.

A competent therapist can help you come to grips with what you’re feeling, which will guide you towards greater understanding. 

When you understand who you are and what you’re feeling more, it helps generate the determination to make decisions that will benefit you.

If that means getting out of a relationship with no heartbeat, then so be it. Sometimes that has to happen for you to be who you need to be. 

And, if greater understanding can help you hang on, and ultimately improve, a relationship you still want and cherish, then a therapist can help facilitate the healing that needs to take place.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Eye Contact Exercise

Eye Contact Exercise for Erotic Couples

Eye Contact Exercise for Erotic Couples

 

Eye contact exercises are part of the key for developing strategies you need to guarantee your Sexual Satisfaction!

So, today, we will answer how to use eye contact exercise for sexual satisfaction with another.

I’m so glad that you are interested in joining us in this topic of eye contact exercises.

In this video, I’ll be answering: what is an eye contact exercise and how to use eye contact exercises in your sex and love life.

We hope you will take some of this advice to use for your own sexual fun with eye contact exercises!

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Watch now! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, PornHub, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, Playboy, Maxim, Daily Mail, HeadSpace, and more!

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VIDEO ON COMMUNICATING YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES!

 

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You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


shameless sex

Shameless Sex

Shameless Sex

 

There’s no doubt about it, shameless sex is complex. 

Sex can range from a random fling with someone you met online to intimacy that creates the deepest connection possible.. 

No matter what kind of sex you’re having, there’s often a lot of emotion involved. Even the “casual sex” you think you’re having has something deeper at work.

Whether it’s a want for connection, a desire to outwardly express love, for kicks (or even revenge), sex is about more than just the act of genitals. 

We’re driven by a need to fill a part of us emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and physically through the “feel-good hormones” that get pumped into our body after lustful, intimate, or sexual connection. 

After sex sometimes feels complicated. 

Have you ever sat and thought about how you’re feeling after sex? 

Unfortunately, a lot of people, for several reasons, feel shame during and after sex. Shame can be a debilitating condition that hampers your ability to enjoy sex and experience everything it can give you.

 

How Sex Education Impacts Our Attitudes About Intimacy

It’s normal for all of us to have grown up in a more conservative environment than the one in which we live now. People’s ideas about morality and sex become more open as they expose themselves to new ideas. It takes time to overcome and discard the narrow thinking of the past.

You may have grown up in a conservative religious home where sex was taboo and not a conversation to be discussed. Abstinence may have been the only option, so you learned to view sex as forbidden. 

The people in your immediate circle – your parents, friends, mentors, and teachers – are more likely to have shared similar beliefs, so there wasn’t much in the way of information to be had.

Without proper preparation, you may not have been ready when you started to encounter sex. Sexual thoughts and acts may have been something you kept in secret. 

Many religious people grow up having to hide even masturbation, something we know now is normal and almost completely universal.

When we associate sex with something bad or shameful, it warps our ability to connect and on a much more basic level enjoy sex! 

It can take years of therapy and so many ups and downs to overcome the feelings of guilt and shame we carried for years.

 

The Difference Between Shame and Guilt

We need to make a distinction here that shame does not equal guilt. They often get bunched together, but they’re very different.

shameless sex

Guilt can be a positive emotion because it helps us adapt and correct harmful or detrimental behavior. It can drive us to become better and push us away from negativity. 

Shame, on the other hand, isn’t a helpful emotion. 

With shame, we veer into the territory of letting our mistakes or something bad that’s happened to us define who we are. Instead of recognizing something we did was bad, we become bad.

Shame can be debilitating. It can trigger anxiety that affects the way we think and interact with those around us. If you’ve struggled with shame in the past, there’s a good chance you’ve struggled with shame in the bed as well.

 

The Baggage We All Carry

The moment we realize that every person we have sex, and every time we have sex, we carry with us certain attitudes and thoughts about who we are and what we’re doing. Baggage can range from something horrible like childhood or sexual trauma to other issues like poor body image.

So often, we let baggage define us. It’s who we feel we are deep inside despite whatever image we project to a one-night stand or our committed partners. Overcoming baggage and identifying shame is so important to enjoying sex. Whether you’re trying to simply have fun and get off, or you long for meaningful eye contact as you make passionate love to someone you love, shedding the shame can give you the permission you need to let loose and enjoy sex.

 

Shameless Sex Through Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a gigantic step we can all take to drop our baggage approach sex more positively. After all, isn’t it time you cut yourself a break?

We tend to take things so seriously, even sex. Have you ever been in bed and listened to some of the negative thoughts that seem to race through your head? “Is he disappointed in my body?” “I’m worried I won’t be able to orgasm.” “Why am I so tense?” When we’re having what should be an amazing experience, we’re busy shooting ourselves down.

Self-compassion, on a very basic level, means cutting yourself a break! Instead of letting the way you feel define you as a person, you put them in a box labeled just what they are, “something you experienced once”. It’s a practice during which we focus on forgiving ourselves for whatever we did or happened to us.

 

Rejecting Shame and Embracing Shameless Sex

If you have trouble relaxing during sex or feel shame about your body, then reading this article isn’t going to solve your problem. You know by now that shame isn’t something you abandon. It’s usually buried deep and digging it up takes work.

Working with a licensed therapist can help you recognize shame and other detrimental emotions that prevent you from enjoying sex and other aspects of your life.

Don’t worry, you’re here because you know sex should be fun and something enjoyable.

Shameless sex is something a lot of us aspire to and are working earnestly towards. Stop thinking that something is wrong with you and that one magic day all of your problems and shame around sexual issues will disappear.

Experiencing shameless sex starts with the desire to get better.

Shameless sex for people who have wrestled with shame in the past is something we’re constantly working on. We learn how to forgive ourselves for being human and maybe even laugh at ourselves once in a while. It’s all part of the process of approaching sex is a more realistic, positive way.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Bisexuality

Bisexuality and Other Invisible Identities 

Bisexuality and Other Invisible Identities 

 

Being attracted to more than one gender bisexuality (and pansexuality) can be complicated and wonderful! 

In my work and over 8 years of experience as a therapist, I have learned an extraordinary amount about these identities that allow individuals and their partner(s) to manage their needs. 

 

Some people ask "how do I overcome bisexuality," and we want them to know what the bisexuality definition is AND how they can learn to celebrate who they are!

 

Sexual Identity

Bisexuality Definition - attraction to “both genders or sexes,” while the Pansexuality Definition is being attracted to all genders.

 

In working with individuals who identify with the bisexuality definition, it is clear that there are many ups and downs in the identity.

 

When people within these identities are in a monogamous relationship, some have shared that it feels like their identity is not known - like a part of them is missing or hidden.

 

Sexual identity and bisexuality definition is confusing because it is fluid, which is not easy to describe to those who are "black and white" thinkers.

 

Relational Identity

Another invisible identity is being in a monogamous relationship when you identify as polyamorous or on the continuum of non-monogamous. 

There are many people who identify as polyamorous that choose to be in a monogamous relationship with their partner due to a variety of reasons. 

Whether that be that they are polyphobic (scared of being polyamorous), their partner is not okay with the idea of it, because there is no protection for employment for open relationships (you can get fired or Child Custody Services called on you if you identify with being in open relationships), or for other personal reasons. 

Polyamory is the idea of loving multiple partners. Polyamory, also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is increasingly becoming common. 

Being in love with more than one person isn’t as radical as it seems and if you want to learn more, check out this blog.

Polyamory can mean having a relationship with more than one person or feeling love, affection, and or having a sexual relationship with more than one person. 

This identity is often misunderstood and has been given a bad wrap because of nonconsensual forms of it (for example: infidelity, cheating, and affairs). 

The key to polyamory is consent. Consent from all people involved and a level of attunement and erring on the side of over-communicating with all partners involved are often essential for those who identify as polyamorous.

Bisexuality

How do you show that you are bisexual or pansexual in a monogamous relationship? 

In other-sex/gender or same-sex/gender relationships, when you are seen holding hands or being affectionate with that partner, you are assumed to be straight or gay/lesbian. 

When you are bisexual, pansexual, or polyamorous in a monogamous relationship, unless you are wearing something (or tattoo it across your forehead haha), there is limited ability to show your identity without verbally speaking it, and often. 

This can be exhausting! To have to constantly come out or correct people can be challenging and overwhelming! 

Some choose to passively accept the label of “gay” or “straight” and others “correct” those who mislabel them. Either can feel defeating as a person with an invisible identity. 

Furthermore, there is a lot of bi/pan/polyphobia in both the heteronormative and queer worlds. 

Many do not believe in these sexualities or I have also heard others sharing that it takes away from the queer identity because people in this identity can access “straight privilege.” 

In the case of people who identify as poly, this can show in the form of making assumptions about what “poly” is because it is very misunderstood. 

Stop the bi/pan/polyphobia! 

Show support for our bi/pan friends and stop invalidating these identities. 

It’s not okay! 

If you don’t get it, learn about it! 

Bisexuality

Being Unseen and the Impacts

There are a variety of ways on how to manage the feeling that a part of your identity is unseen or erased. 

Here are some of our favorite tips at Life Coaching and Therapy:

  • Talk about it! Make it visible! Share your feelings with those you trust, especially your partner. Discuss what it is like and ask your partner to hold that space for you.
  • Educate yourself on open relationships or polyamory to see if that is a choice for you.
  • Strategize! Is there something you and your partner can do that would allow your identity to be seen more?
  • Engage in role play or fantasy play with your partner or by yourself! Why not use masturbation and fantasy 
  • Allow yourself to grieve this through ritual, therapy, spirituality, or other means.
  • Use “radical acceptance” in being able to accept your identity and your choice of person. 
  • COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!

If you are really struggling with feeling unseen or not sure about your experience, reach out to a professional to help. 

This can allow you to explore your identity, ways to grieve, cope, or change. 

The impact of not doing this is ending up feeling resentful, unseen, or causing emotional harm to yourself and others. 

If this is hitting home for you or someone you know, please consider some of the suggestions and finding support. Here at LCAT, we are here to help! Identity, sex, and relationships are our thing!

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Learn to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

Learn to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

 

You’ve heard about the 5 Love Languages, and now imagine what a Sex Therapist has to say about GIVING in YOUR PARTNERS LOVE LANGUAGE! 

Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts has been around for decades

That’s an eternity in our fast-changing, “what’s new today” world. 

There are many reasons the book and the lessons have such staying power. 

When people read the book, it is as if the author sees inside of us. The author knows what behaviors drive us and often this speaks to the holes in our lives that are yearning to be filled. 

Like most relationship advice or personality quizzes we get, we immediately think, “What does this mean for me?” 

It’s like a lightbulb goes off in our heads when we put words to what makes us feel happy and loved. 

Learning your own love language, especially if you’ve found yourself constantly disappointed in love, is like finally finding buried treasure when you had a feeling it was there. 

It’s understandable that we immediately gravitate toward analyzing our own love languages. But what about our partners, the people who rely on us to speak their language and keep their buckets full? Indeed, discovering our own love languages is groundbreaking, but learning to speak someone else’s love language is where the real magic happens. It’s where romantic relationships experience real breakthroughs. 

 

Dealing with Language Matches

If you’re matched with someone with overlapping love languages, it’s easy to think things will be smooth sailing. Sure, there are definite benefits to two people who speak the same love language pairing up. Adjustments can be less strenuous for everyone. 

5 love language

There are, though, challenges to speaking the same languages. What happens when you both need to be spoken to at the same time? Physical touch might be easier because you’re being touched as you touch your partner, but what about something like acts of service? It can be hard to do something nice like making dinner for your partner when you feel like dinner should be made for you. 

When you both need the same bucket filled to stay happy and feel loved, it’s easy for resentment to creep in. And resentment is one of the major determinants to loving relationships. When you speak the same love language as your partner, you need to focus on overcoming your ego maybe more than others do. 

Fight the urge to hold back love, touch, affirmation, or acts of service as a ransom. The best thing to do is to give love freely, without strings attached, and communicate with your partner if you feel like your love language needs to be spoken more loudly or more often. 

 

When You Need to Learn to Speak a New Language

For most of us, getting involved with a partner or being in a romantic relationship means we’re learning a new language. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s more. We can’t stress the importance of becoming fluent in your partner’s love languages enough. 

Too many people go through their lives feeling like they’re supportive, dependable lovers. All the while, their partners secretly wish they were touched a bit more, or that their partner was more giving. Our first instinct in romantic relationships is to speak to our partners in our love languages. 

Imagine a scene in a movie where explorers discover new land. When they first come in contact with the local people, they try to speak to them in a language they don’t understand, yet they repeat themselves over and over as if it was simply a matter of not hearing them enough! It’s too often the same with love languages. We can touch our partner, give them all the sex and massages in the world, but your message won’t get through if all they want is for you to make them dinner. 

What you should do, whenever appropriate, is to have a talk with your partner about what they need to feel loved. What speaks to them? How do they appreciate love being expressed? When you find out what their love languages are, you’ll have a clearer path to effective communication. 

Just because you know what their love language is, speaking it’s not easy. Showing love in a different language takes conscious effort and conditioning. The payoff, though, is worth it. When you start to speak your partner’s love language, you enter the wonderful world of reciprocation. Partners find themselves in a virtuous cycle of filling their partner’s buckets and having theirs filled in return. 

 

The Love Language Starter Pack

You don’t just start speaking a language fluently once you know its name, and the same is true for love languages. Knowing what to do with finding out your partner’s love language can be hard, especially if you’ve never spoken it. Here are some easy pointers for how to speak any one of the love languages.

5 love language

Physical Touch

If your partner needs physical touch, make sure to come in contact with them regularly. It can be anything from a touch on the arm to snuggling up next to each other on the couch to watch a movie. Sex, of course, is always welcome. However, avoid the appearance of touching your partner only because you know they want or need it. 

 

Acts of Service

Acts of service can vary from small things like taking out the trash to coming through when your partner’s in a bind. Do the little things like help with chores. Make the bed, do the dishes, and pay the credit card. Remember the big things, too. 

 

Words of Affirmation

People who speak this love language need verbal support. They thrive on getting compliments. Tell your partner you believe in them. Send a card or a text on occasion expressing why you love them and what they mean to you. 

 

Quality Time

Speak quality time by dedicating moments where you and your partner can focus on each other. Go on a date and don’t look at your phone once. Make frequent eye contact and ask them meaningful questions. Schedule a class or a fun activity together. 

 

Receiving Gifts

Don’t buy gift cards. Take the time to think about meaningful gifts and get them for birthdays, anniversaries, and, every so often, just because. Take note anytime your partner says they need something and make sure to go out and get it. 

5 love languageYou can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Relationship Goals

Eight Relationship Goals for the New Year

Eight Relationship Goals for the New Year

 

Are you ready to start making your New Year’s Relationship Goals? Yes, it’s that time of year when we all start thinking about resolutions. 

Don’t let the Debbie Downers in your life make you think resolutions are lame. What’s not to love about a little self reflection and a bit of planning… especially in the name of romance!

Another variation of having a new year's resolutions is to say you have GOALS. Although the end of each year is a convenient time to think about the year that’s gone by, it is important to examine quarterly what you’d like to accomplish moving forward.

If you’re not in the habit of setting goals, give it a try. 

There’s something magical about writing down your hopes and aspirations. They tend to come true! 

Not just by luck, the act of verbalizing and documenting relationship goals commits us subconsciously. We speak our vision into being.

 

Relationship Goals

We’re not here today to talk about getting in the gym more often or getting that raise at work. Those are great, and if it’s something you want to shoot for, go for it. Today, we are here to talk about relationships.

We spend so much time focusing on falling in love and finding the right person, but we don’t focus enough on what it takes to stay in love or even fall deeper into love. Yes, there are levels to emotional connection in relationships that take effort but are so, so worth it.

Whether you and your partner are stuck in a rut and need to ignite your sex life, or you’re looking to take things in your relationship to the next level, here are 8 relationship resolutions to consider heading into 2020.

 

  1. Work on Yourself

 

We all catch ourselves wishing our partner would lose a little weight, spend less time on their phone, or quit smoking. It’s easy to project our wishes on other people. New Year’s isn’t the time for projecting our wishes on other people, it’s time to focus on ourselves.

It’s fine if you want to commit yourself to certain standards. Saying you resolve to not date anyone who smokes is much different than a resolution to help your current partner quit. The sooner you realize you can’t change other people, the better. Emphasize self-improvement and get a better perspective on what you can control.

 

  1. Dedicate Time to Each Other

    Relationship Goals

We get it. It’s easy to get in a zone where you take each other for granted. Life throws so much at us that it can be easy to forget why we’re together sometimes. The only way to beat back the complacency that creeps into relationships is by spending time with your partner to remember what it is you love about them.

And guess what? You’ll probably be surprised when you do. People change. The person you’re with now is different than the person you first fell in love with one, five, or fifteen years ago. Spending time alone together is a process of continual learning where you connect with your partner and discover new parts of them you didn’t know before.

 

  1. Make Sex a Priority!

In 2020, sex should be on your mind! Physical intimacy is a huge component of a relationship’s well-being. If sex has become a bit drab, make it a New Year’s relationship resolution to spice things up between the sheets.

Check out my video on “How to Seduce Your Spouse” 

Buy some sex toys, lingerie, or whatever else will get you or your partner in the mood. Try out a bit of role-playing, light BDSM, or some other way to change things up so it’s not the same old every time.

 

  1. Support Your Partner

Remember that time your partner said they wanted to quit their job to pursue art? Or that one year they said they wanted to take up cooking lessons? Resist the urge to be negative or critical when your partner wants to try something new. After all, they’re probably thinking about 2020 resolutions too.

Instead of resisting or poking fun, resolve this year to lend support to your partner with whatever they want to pursue. When your partner feels more fulfilled, you’ll be happier too.

 

  1. Get Your Finances in Order

If you’re married or in a long-term committed relationship, odds are you’ve fought over money in the past. Financial stress is one of the main challenges to relationships.

Relationship Goals

When the finances are a mess, it has a direct impact on how happy the two of you are.

Resolve in the new year to pay down debt, save a bit more, and spend on activities that will benefit your relationship. When you don’t have to spend so much time worrying about the bills, you have more mental space to give to the person you love.

 

  1. Give Therapy a Try

If you haven’t tried couple’s counseling yet, make 2020 the year you finally give it a shot. Couple’s counseling isn’t only for people struggling in a relationship. Even if things are great, you can benefit from seeing a licensed therapist.

Counseling is a great way to arm yourselves with communication tools for when any challenges arise. Counselors  also help you practice empathy and see things from your partner’s perspective.

Text therapy is a secure and convenient way to get frequent and intensive coaching from any location. 

 

  1. Implement a No-Phone Zone

Have you ever tried to bring up something serious with your partner, only to have them staring down at their phone? It’s deflating and chances are you’re not innocent either. More and more families and couples are instituting a no-phone zone to help people pay more attention to each other.

In a February 2019 article, Sehar Shoukat wrote that, “Excessive use of smartphone paired with negative attitude and feeling of anxiety and dependency on gadgets may increase the risk of anxiety and depression…”. The more we can push away from our phones, we can interact with people we love and improve our overall moods. 

Set a part of the house as a no-phone zone, or tell yourself that after a certain time, there’s no more phone or screens allowed. Instead of scrolling through social media, you’ll have more time to listen to your partner and engage one on one.

 

  1. Set a Goal Together

Relationships, like life, are about growth and progress. No matter who we are, we all feel stunted if we’re stalled in life. We need hobbies, work, or some other project to give us meaning.

Set a goal with your partner that’s something you are both interested in. Be careful, because you need to make sure the goal is something you both want to do. The goal cannot just be something one of you wants to do, and the other tags along. When you do something together you’ll build more common interests. Down the road those interests will be the thread that holds the two of you together.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Couple Fighting

Couple Fighting: Stop Arguing and Start Loving

Couple Fighting: Stop Arguing and Start Loving

 

Couple Fighting! Tips to Stop Arguing and Start Loving TODAY! 

Far too often, we let our romantic relationships deteriorate to the point where it’s so hard to claw back the pain and resentment that’s been left to fester. 

Couple fighting becomes a classic Western shootout. 

Both of you are standing on either side, tense and ready to grab at your weapon. 

You wait for your partner to flinch before you unleash all of your hurt and anger in their direction.

Of course, we know, it doesn't have to be like this. It’s hard, though, to see through the fog of anger and give love when we’re not sure we’re going to get it in return. How do we get from where we are to a better place with less couple fighting?

First off, let me commend you for considering couples therapy. If you’re already taking sessions, wonderful. That’s even better. But recognizing that you need help with your relationships is a brave and honorable thing.

 

The Silence Surrounding Unmet Needs

Couple Fighting

Couple fighting can almost always be drawn back to unmet needs. Each of us, though wonderfully unique, has needs that must be filled for us to feel confident, loved, and engaged in a relationship. 

It’s been decades since Gary Chapman first presented his five love languages. They are: 

  • Physical Touch
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts

These aren’t just simple niceties. They’re fundamental to our happiness. Denying we have needs is denying who we are, eventually, you’re going to have to face that reality.

When your needs are met, life is better. Everything seems easier. You’re not worried about doing the dishes three times in a row if you love language is physical touch and the sex is great. Your partner is happy to let your work long hours at the job you love because you give them the affirmation they crave.

The problems most people have that lead to couple fighting have to do with unmet needs that go unaddressed for too long. Silence allows resentment, the relationship destroyer, space to move in. 

 

Overcoming Resentment by Quieting the Ego

 

Couple Fighting

When the couple fighting has been going on too long, motivations change. You’re no longer giving acts of service out of love; you’re doing them to see if they’ll earn you the quality time or gifts that you crave for validation. If they don’t come, we tell ourselves that we were right all along, it’s their fault things are bad. We’re doing our part, aren’t we?

Each feeling is driven by some innate need. We act out of a desire to connect, grow, contribute to a cause, or to gain certainty. When relationships stumble, uncertainty plays an outsized role in our communication. We overanalyze our partners’ and our actions, questioning why they said what they said or what will happen if I do this or that.

Our desire to create certainty can be destructive. It’s easy to draw into ourselves and shut others out to create some semblance of certainty in our lives.

The only way to fight back resentment in a relationship and create certainty is to quiet the ego and act out of love. 

That, however, is very hard to do, especially when you feel like working on your relationship is a one-way street. 

That’s where working with a therapist who specializes in relationship communication can help.

 

Setting Conditions for Nonviolent Communication

To overcome couple fighting, working with a therapist can be a huge help identifying damaging patterns in your communication with each other. Indeed, when relationships turn sour, the way we communicate becomes tainted with venom.

Our lack of certainty leads to hurt, and we become desperate that our partner understands that hurt. Too often, we try to get them to understand by doling out the same hurt we’re harboring inside through violent communication.

One of the biggest benefits of seeing a relationship therapist is that they can offer third-party insight into how the two of you are communicating. You can identify unhealthy patterns and start shifting to a better form of nonviolent communication.

In Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, he lays out the steps for developing nonviolent communication. They are:

  1. State Observations – It’s very important that you’re honest with your partner and yourself about why you say and nonverbally communicate the way you do. Understanding why you are behaving or speaking the way you do will help you avoid saying something inflammatory or hurtful.
  2. State Feelings – We must emphasize that putting words to feelings is the only way for resentment to subside. If you know that something you’re doing is hurting your partner, you’ll find ways to stop doing it if you love them and want to connect.
  3. State the Need – Frequently, we’re embarrassed or afraid of being vulnerable, so we don’t verbalize our needs. How can our partners know how to fill our needs if we aren’t explicit in what they are?
  4. Be Specific – Don’t rely on innuendo to build a healthy, loving relationship. Have the confidence to be direct in you what you want and instill confidence in your partner to do the same. Less misunderstanding will mean less resentment. 

Nonviolent communication is so critical to fighting back resentment. It’s the best way to break negative cycles and start building on common ground.

 

Decide to Make Room for Love

When we communicate without fear or uncertainty, we open ourselves up to giving and receiving love. Think about the times in your life when you’ve felt deeply loved. You weren’t worried about the other person’s judgment or concerned about how they slighted you yesterday. You were open, wonderfully vulnerable, and certain in the moment.

Each of us has challenges in our romantic relationships. At times, resentment and communication barriers trigger couple fighting that can threaten to destroy foundations that took years to build.

With the help of a qualified, understanding therapist, struggling relationships can thrive again. Armed with nonviolent communication skills, clear about our needs, and doing our best to push ego and resentment to the side, we can rebuild and reclaim love.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco Signature

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.