Two hands holding one another - one with tattoos.

What Is Consent in a Relationship?

/in , /by

What Is Consent in a Relationship?

 

If you’re looking for a clear answer to what is consent, the first thing you will need to know is that it’s about mutually respecting yourself and the other person you are getting consent from. 

When someone gives you their consent, it means they are permitting you or agreeing to express something with you! 

  1. Consent cannot be assumed just because someone is silent, hasn’t said the word ‘no,’ or because the sexual partners have a relationship or sexual past together.
  2. Consent may be revoked at any time. 
  3. Force, threat, or intimidation are not acceptable methods for obtaining consent. 
  4. A person who is in any way incapacitated cannot give consent.

Before diving into this topic, there are a few things to remember when having sexual relations with someone.  

 

What is Consent?

Sexual consent means agreeing to participate in a specific sexual activity. Before being sexual with another person, you will need to know if they truly want to be sexual with you as well. On the other side, make sure you’ve communicated what you want with your partner before initiating intercourse or any other sexual activity.

Both consenting and asking for one serve to encourage people to set their own boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. Also, it serves to check if everything is clear and, if not, to communicate it properly before sex. Both partners must give sexual consent each time before engaging in sexual activity for the sex to be considered consensual. 

Without sexual consent, any sexual activity, from oral sex or genital touching to vaginal or anal penetration, is considered sexual assault or rape. You have every right to decide what happens to your body. It doesn’t matter if you were up for it ten minutes ago and even said ‘yes’ to your sexual partner; you can change your mind freely. Every person is allowed to say “stop” at any time before and during sexual activity, and their partner must respect it. 

You have to be a person that is comfortable and gracious about receiving a no. That is what consent is. If you guilt someone, or pressure them when they say “no,” that is not consensual. That is covertly manipulating a situation to get your needs met. 

 

Sexual Assault and Rape

Who can consent to sexual activity is regulated by law. Someone who is drunk, high, or passed out cannot consent sexually. Minors are protected from sexual activity with adults. Meaning, sex with a minor resulted in jail time and sex offender registration.  

Despite their legal definitions, rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse all begin with lack of consent. All of these involve unconsented sexual contact. This means that sexual contact without consent is rape, assault, or abuse. 

Anyone can be a victim of rape, sexual assault, or sexual abuse, regardless of their age, gender, or sexual orientation. That said, certain groups of people are more likely than others to experience sexual assault. We particularly want to recognize that women of color, LGBTIA+ individuals, and those with developmental disabilities are more likely to experience sexual assault. 

There are numerous ways in which sexual violence can occur. Rape or sexual assault can occur without a weapon, and the victim does not have to fight back, scream, or say ‘no’. Our most common image is of sexual assaults in dark alleyways with strangers, even though that is rare. Family, relatives, and romantic partners often are the perpetrator.  

If you or anyone you know has experienced any type of sexual violence, keep in mind that you’re not alone and that help is available to all victims of sexual violence.

 

How to Ask For Consent

Most of the time, you’ll hear people talking about giving consent before a certain sexual activity. However, asking for consent is equally important in communication between two individuals who will become sexual partners. Both partners need to give their consent to have sex. 

Openly discussing consent with your partner is best. Request it in multiple formats. Instead of saying the same thing over and over, ask your partner if they are ready to engage in sexual activity, and then confirm with them if they are comfortable with how things went later. 

Asking for consent does not have to slow down or diminish sexual desire. While communicating and being intimate with your partner, you can request consent. Although consent is required before any sexual activity, make an effort to communicate with the person you are getting to know more about.  If you are about to have sex with your long-term partner, you probably already know whether or not they want to have sex at that particular time. However, asking for consent implies consent from both partners in a relationship. 

 

How to Give Consent

Like asking for consent, you should give your consent to your partner. That will inform them that you agree to continue being sexually intimate with them and give them the ‘green light’ to proceed. You are not, nevertheless, required to wait for your partner to inquire whether you are enjoying the foreplay. In other words, a person can give consent without waiting for their partner to ask for it. 

Informing your partner that you consent to having sex with them helps you both be transparent about your sexual desires and allows you to connect sexually. However, don’t confuse giving consent with receiving it. You will still need to hear your partner say they are okay with moving things forward sexually to continue with a certain sexual activity. Once both partners have given their consent, you can proceed with sex and make the most of it together. 

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

5 Things To Know About Your First Lesbian Relationship 

/in , , /by

5 Things To Know About Your First Lesbian Relationship 

 

Being in your first lesbian relationship can be a beautiful time of growth and self-acceptance. It can also be a vulnerable time and bring up intense feelings. Your first lesbian relationship can be an opportunity for you to learn about yourself, your boundaries, and how you show up in your relationships. 

 

  • Your first lesbian relationship can be a time of self-discovery and acceptance 

Coming out can be beautiful and bring you closer to your authentic self. Many people feel more connected to themselves after understanding their sexuality and identity. Meaning, coming out gives many queer people community and understanding.  

Prior to coming out, many people in the LGBTQIA+ community “mask” or hide their true identity in order to survive. It can be a deeply liberating experience to share your identity with your loved ones and the world. In addition, when experiencing your first lesbian relationship, you finally get to experience attraction and love in the way that you may have yearned for in failed relationships with men. 

 

  • Your first lesbian relationship is a time to openly communicate with your partner and learn about each other’s boundaries. 

Your first lesbian relationship is a perfect time to practice relational skills such as open communication and boundaries. It can be very easy in the “honeymoon phase” of your first lesbian relationship to fall hard and fast. However, we need to be clear about where our boundaries lie around things like PDA, being shown on social media, and consent. 

Because of the unique intensity of a first lesbian relationship, this is especially important. Sit down with your partner, ask what their boundaries are, and have an open dialogue. This can make a world of difference in your relationship. 

 

  • Things can feel intense

Your first lesbian relationship may feel more intense than other relationships you have had in the past. This makes sense, as you may have only dated men whom you do not find attractive. Because of this, you may find yourself falling in love quickly and intensely. This is something to be mindful of before making long-term decisions after only knowing someone in the short term. 

“Uhauling” is a term used frequently in lesbian discourse that refers to the idea that lesbians will fall in love very quickly and move in with one another almost immediately (hence the “uhaul”). This term is often used in a humorous manner, but it is a real phenomenon that happens in lesbian relationships. 

 

  • Gender roles look different (or don’t apply)

If you are in a lesbian relationship for the first time, you may find yourself perplexed about navigating a relationship without gender roles. In queer relationships, gender roles are not as strictly defined. You may find yourself unclear about what tasks your partner expects of you and what you expect of them. This is another opportunity to get to know each other better by figuring out what works for you as a couple. 

Some lesbian couples will take on more traditional roles where one partner is the homemaker and the other partner works. Some couples will split things up more evenly around the home so that they can both prioritize their careers. It all depends on what works for you and your partner. 

 

  • Now is the time to build a support system

Navigating your first lesbian relationship can be emotionally challenging, and it is extremely important that you have people in your life who can help support you through this time. Friends and family who are safe and affirming can be integral steps to healing. It is very important to not solely rely on your partner to support you emotionally so that you don’t become isolated within your relationship. 

Many people in the LGBTQ+ community will find other people in the community to lean on at this time. 

 

One final thought

There is not nearly enough representation in the media for lesbians, and if you are struggling to navigate your first lesbian relationship, you are not alone. Consider seeking out an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist to help you navigate your emotions and connect you with others in your community. 

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know Melody Atkinson, LMFT-A by making an appointment. Her pecialization is in trauma-informed practices, alternative methods to explore ADHD, LGBTQIA+ relationships, and identity.

Start your journey here with Melody.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

How to give a sensual massage

How to Give a Sensual Massage

/in , , /by

How to Give a Sensual Massage That’s Actually Hot and Nice

We hope you enjoy this article on sensual massage. LCAT owner, Dr. Amanda Pasciucco was interviewed by Self.com writer Ro White. This article was published in Self.com on September 15, 2023.

 

Here’s exactly what to do—and not do—to pull off a sexy, relaxing back rub.

If you’re seeking new ways to feel close to your partner, you might be wondering how to give them a good sensual massage to help you connect. (And a downright sexy massage offers even more opportunities for intimacy.) Horny touching, including massage, causes our brains to release oxytocin, a.k.a. the “love hormone”, so an erotic massage is the perfect recipe for bonding, relaxation, and arousal—possibly even a better sex life.

Read on as experts share how to give a sexy back massage to turn on both you and your partner—and maybe set the mood for more.


Talk to your partner about what their dream massage would look like.

There’s no one way to give an erotic massage, so before you pump up the Marvin Gaye and break out the “good” massage oil, ask your partner what they’d like to get out of this experience—and share your own desires too.

“The ‘why’ of the massage should dictate the ‘how,’” Barbara Carrellas, an AASECT-certified sex educator who teaches erotic massage, tells SELF. So: Are you and your partner seeking connection, or maybe novelty? Are you wanting to take some pressure off of your sexual performance? Are you having trouble getting out of your own head and looking for new forms of foreplay? Do you just think their back is hot and want to love up on it a little? Find out!

Once you’re clear on the “why” behind your sexy massage, decide together how you’d like it to feel. “Erotic massages can be therapeutic, relaxing, stimulating, healing, sensual, sexual, kinky, or whatever other intention you set,” Carrellas says.

Check in about where and how your partner wants to be touched and if there are any no-go zones, AASECT-certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco, LMFT, CST, tells SELF.

You should definitely ask whether your partner wants the massage to include overtly sexual contact. “Each person likes to be touched in a different way,” Pasciucco explains. “Some people love the adrenaline of just going toward the genitals, while many others enjoy long, slow strokes to build up anticipation.”


Make your surroundings feel sexier.

Use dim lighting, a playlist featuring gentle music, and candles to create an ambiance that helps your partner feel relaxed, Pasciucco says. (Just make sure the candles are securely placed far from the massage zone—catching your hair on fire would kill the mood.)

One of the best—but often overlooked—massage tips isn’t about what you set up, but what you get the hell out of sight at home. Pasciucco suggests removing any potential distractions from the room, like pets, phones, piles of laundry, and family photos (you probably won’t want your relatives staring you down while you zealously knead your partner’s butt cheeks).

If this kind of traditional massage setup feels slightly corny to you, Pasciucco suggests leaning into the cringe. “Making your bedroom look like a temple of love might not be your norm, but do it anyway,” she says. Trust that once you’re squeezing your partner’s thighs, you’ll probably both be too turned-on to feel embarrassed—and until you get there, it’s okay to laugh a little too.

If you just can’t get past the corniness of candles and soft music, there are plenty of other ways you can set the mood. “While some people like candles, soft music, and feathers, others like dark dungeons, floggers, and being ordered to get on the massage table,” Carrellas says. There’s no one perfect way to do this: The vibe of your sexy massage should feel personal to you and your partner! Let your imaginations tell you what a “good massage” should look like.


Pick an oil that’s up to the hot task at hand.

Your most important massage tool is lotion or oil, since this will help your hands glide more easily along your partner’s body, Pasciucco notes. Just make sure you review the ingredients first, especially if either of you has skin allergies or fragrance sensitivities.

Since this is a sexy massage, chances are there might be some genital-touching involved either during or after the rubdown. If you’re planning to use this same oil externally on your partner’s junk, you’ll need a fragrance-free oil, as scented products (including essential oils) can irritate the urethra (where pee comes out). Soothing Touch’s nut-free massage oil, Sliquid’s Escape massage oil, and Now Solutions’ massage oil are all excellent options.

For any vaginal penetration, you’ll want an all-natural oil to avoid irritation or infection. Vagina-safe options include coconut oil, hemp seed oil, grape seed oil, vegetable oil, sunflower oil, and olive oil, as the Cleveland Clinic notes. Keep in mind that using oil inside the vagina can increase the risk of developing a yeast infection, according to a UCLA study, so if your partner knows their vagina doesn’t respond well to oil or if they’re not sure, clean your hands after the massage and switch to lube when you’re doing hand stuff.

If you think your massage might lead to sex involving safer sex barriers, like condoms, make sure you use only water-based or silicone lube for any between-the-legs action and thoroughly wash your hands before handling barriers. Since oil degrades latex, getting massage oil on a latex condom or dental dam can prevent your barrier from doing its job.

Finally, make sure any sex toys, or sensations toys like feathers, paddles, and floggers, that you plan to use are easily accessible, too, so you don’t have to fumble around with slick hands.


Sensual massage techniques.

Take it slow.

Have your partner lie flat on a bed face-down or face-up, depending on the areas you’d like to focus on. They can be partially dressed or fully nude—whatever feels most comfortable.

Once your partner is situated, find a position for your own body that you won’t mind holding for a while. You can sit beside your partner, pull up a chair next to the bed, or—if you want to heat things up right away and this works for both of you—straddle your partner while you oil up your hands and prepare to caress their stress away.

Massage techniques can and should vary based on what your partner’s into, but here are some rules of thumb about sensual touch: If you’re planning on giving a full-body massage experience, start by gently kneading your partner’s shoulders, adding more massage oil as needed, and checking in with them about the level of pressure you’re using. “Erotic massage creates lots of space for communication, so there’s always room for your partner to ask for more or less of any touch,” Carrellas explains.

Rub your partner’s back and limbs (or whatever part of the body they like) with circular motions, or with long, smooth strokes along each muscle using your palms and the whole lengths of your fingers and tips of your forefingers. “Touching with your whole hand feels like an embrace,” Carrellas says. “You can use this technique to glide anywhere on your partner’s body without lifting your palm.” Another one of the best sensual massage techniques: Use your thumbs in areas where your partner wants more pinpointed pressure, like on the arches of their feet. If your hands need a rest, throw in some kissing or licking, if that’s your partner’s thing. (If they don’t mind oil in their hair, go ahead and stroke it—just ask first if you don’t know.)

Once your partner is feeling relaxed, ramp up their arousal by stroking and rubbing erogenous zones, like their earlobes, chest, butt, and inner thighs, before venturing between their legs, if that’s something you’re both down for. A sexy massage doesn’t have to end in genital stimulation—“an erotic massage should with pleasure, which doesn’t necessarily mean an orgasm,” Pasciucco says. But if you and your partner want your massage to get a little spicier, go for it! Sensual massage can feel incredible on your partner’s whole body—not just their back.

Read more of Dr. Pasciucco’s media interviews here.

Discover Trusted Intimacy Therapists Near Me 

/in , , /by

Discover Trusted Intimacy Therapists Near Me 

 

If you’re having difficulty in your personal life, seeking intimacy therapists near me is a good place to start to improve your overall well-being.

Relationships are hard, so intimacy therapists are popular despite the taboo. 

The special training that real intimacy counseling has will surely make you feel more comfortable than a regular couples therapist. 

It’s important to understand your motivation before you get to the counselor. In other words, the counselor will ask you what is happening with your life. Begin to take inventory. 

 

Start asking yourself questions like:

  • Are you having communication issues with friends?
  • Do you want to feel more connected to others?
  • Is there past trauma that is preventing you from experiencing inner peace?

When you know what you are looking for, you are better equipped to ask the right questions to the intimacy counseling center near you. 

Please note that therapists approach things in different ways. Meaning, some may focus on communication skills, while others may talk about deeper emotional and psychological issues. Some use parts theory and anchor core values, while others teach CBT and DBT skills. 

Whichever method they choose, be sure to ask them about their experience. Similarly, look for professional certifications and school programs. It will be difficult to find anyone who is a licensed therapist with specialized training in sexuality, trauma, intimacy, somatic work, tantra, couples / marriage, or systems therapy who takes insurance. 

All of these different specialties and the confidential nature of intimacy therapists near me make it difficult to disclose information. So, before choosing an intimacy therapist, look into their background and read reviews or testimonials from past clients. 

Because of its specialized nature, intimacy therapy is more expensive than regular therapy. Consider your overall intake of money and the price of transforming your problems into a life of peace and pleasure. 

Once you decide this is what you want, schedule an intake. This is the first session and the consultation to discuss your needs and goals. Evaluate their approach, experience, and communication style to see if you feel comfortable. If not, find someone else. 

We hope these tips have helped you find an intimacy therapist who meets your needs and goals. Remember that working with an intimacy therapist can improve your personal, relationship, pleasure, and connection well-being.

 

Come schedule your text intake today! 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Sex Counselling Near Me

The Benefits of Sex Counselling Near Me: Improving Intimacy

/in , , /by

The Benefits of Sex Counselling Near Me: Improving Intimacy and Strengthening Relationships

 

In any romantic relationship, intimacy is essential, and sex counselling near me can be found anywhere via text. 

Numerous people struggle with sex and intimacy-related problems, and these difficulties can interfere with the enjoyment of dating or even the strongest of relationships. Sex counseling near me can help in this situation by offering a secure and encouraging environment where you can discuss sexual needs and desires.

 

What is sex counselling near me?

Sex counselling near me is a type of therapy that is specifically focused on issues related to sex and intimacy in romantic relationships and with identity. 

It is typically conducted by a licensed therapist who specializes in working with trauma and with individuals in love. It is designed to help individuals explore their sexual needs and desires, as well as any challenges or barriers they may be facing.

In sex therapy, clients are encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings about intimate relationships, without fear of judgment. A variety of techniques and approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based therapy, and somatic sex therapy, may be used by the therapist to help.

 

What are the Benefits?

There are many potential benefits, including:

  • Improved communication: text can help individuals learn how to communicate more effectively about their sexual needs and desires. It can help those who have strong shame. Meaning, this leads to a stronger sense of connection from self to self, which may be blocking pleasure.
  • Increased satisfaction: By exploring sexual desires in a supportive environment, you can learn how to enhance sexual experiences.
  • Addressing sexual dysfunctions: Many individuals struggle with sexual dysfunctions so text helps you address in a non-judgmental yet guided way. 
  • Strengthened relationships: By addressing challenges related to sex and intimacy, you can have more trust and connection in the relationships you create.
  • Improved mental health: Sexual issues can be a significant source of stress and anxiety. So text therapy or sex counselling can help your overall well-being.

 

Is It Right for Me?

Sex counseling near me may help you resolve relationship issues related to sex and intimacy. Some signs that sex counselling near me may be right for you include the following:

  • Difficulty communicating about sex 
  • Lack of sexual satisfaction or fulfillment
  • Sexual dysfunctions or challenges, such as difficulty achieving orgasm with a partner
  • Feeling disconnected or distant from passion and vibrancy 
  • Anxiety or stress related to identity, your trauma, or shame about sex-indifference 

 

Conclusion

Sex counselling near me can be a powerful tool for improving intimacy, thus transforming people’s lives. By talking about sexuality this way, you can improve communication, deal with problems, and feel closer to others. If you’re struggling with issues related to sex and intimacy in your relationship, consider reaching out to a licensed couples sex therapist today.

Also, start your journey at home with a communication therapy video. 

 

 Get CONNECT now

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Therapy After Breakup

Therapy After Breakup: How To Know If You Need It 💔

/in , /by

Therapy After Breakup: How To Know If You Need It 💔

 

Relationships are quite complex, and regardless of the time you two spent together, therapy after breakup could be beneficial. You might split after 10 years of marriage or be ghosted after several promising months, and it ends in grief. We build our lives with partners, share dreams with them, and allow them to see us without the facade. Meaning, all of that going away may definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth. 

 

This is why many recently divorced and separated individuals decide to seek help in the form of therapy. Besides learning how to let go of all of these emotions, you also need to relearn how to enjoy single life in things that no longer include a partner. Learning that is often harder than it seems, so talking to a professional often helps put our lives back on track.

 

Breakups are also a common cause of mental health concerns. It is not unusual for people who are going through or have recently gone through a breakup to experience depression, substance abuse, post-traumatic stress, and psychological distress. If you too feel quite affected by your breakup and can’t seem to find joy in anything else in your life, there are signs that might indicate you should consider reaching out to a therapist. 

 

You’re Unable to Function Properly.

After a long-term relationship, you might feel like your life is falling apart. Often, this confusion and sadness will lead to hopelessness, and you’ll find yourself in trouble at work and unable to eat or sleep for several weeks after your breakup. As much as breakups require some healing time, if you cannot get yourself to function properly, you should consider post-breakup therapy. 

 

Also, some people use unhealthy ways to deal with the pain of a breakup, like drinking, doing drugs, or taking prescription pills. Regardless of your justification for doing so, anything that interferes with your quality of life should be a sign to look for mental health support. 

 

You’re Isolating Yourself from Others. 

You used to be a fun, easy-going person who enjoyed spending their free time with friends and family, yet the breakup somehow changed you? After your relationship ends, it is completely expected to feel denial, emptiness, sadness, and anger, and you might even experience these grief stages more than once. However, if a person isolates from close friends and family, this often means they need help letting go of the relationship and feeling positive about socializing, not negative. 

 

Not to mention that by avoiding people who love and value you in difficult times, you are also depriving yourself of love, concern, and support, which are all key to your recovery. Even if you don’t feel like going out with your best friend, you should express your vulnerability. After all, breakups often leave a mess behind, and it might be too exhausting to deal with it on your own. 

 

You Romanticize Your Relationship.  💔

You and your ex broke up weeks or even months ago, and you’re still daydreaming about them?  You might fantasize about what it would be like if they called and said they missed you, listened to their favorite music, visited places where you hoped to see them again, or simply idealized them in conversations with your friends.

 

If this was a bad relationship and you’re trying to get over it, you may also have trouble with intimacy, post-relationship stress disorder, and other problems that make it hard for you to have healthy relationships in the future. Especially if you experienced infidelity in this relationship, it’s important to take a moment and look at your relationship from another angle. 

 

You Start a New Relationship Too Early.

Although you’ve been feeling sad about your breakup just a few days ago, you’ve unexpectedly met someone and want to commit to a new relationship right away. As already said, breakups require you to take some time to analyze your relationship and allow you some time to grieve and, finally, heal. Jumping too soon into a new relationship will eliminate this entire process and probably lead to the same issues in the new relationship.

 

You might find yourself replacing your ex-partner with someone who looks just like them, has a similar personality, or is the complete opposite of them. As long as your ex-partner is a factor when starting a new relationship, you are not ready for it. Instead of escaping from how you feel due to your breakup, you should accept that this process, although painful, brings many benefits to your wellbeing, how you connect with others, and how you emotionally grow. 

 

What to Expect from a Therapy After Breakup

Congratulations if you’ve decided to get help with your mental health to get over your breakup in the best way possible. Accepting this experience is difficult on its own, and you need someone to talk to to alleviate the emotional burden you feel after the breakup. Once you’ve made your decision about talking to a therapist, you will need to find one.

 

Seek therapists who have experience with relationships and breakups. If your colleague mentioned an excellent therapist, reach out to that person and schedule your first session (which is called an “intake”).

 

If you haven’t been in therapy before, you should know that it’s almost the same as talking to friends about your issues, yet therapists will provide better tools and insights that will guide you through the experience you’re going through. They will probably ask you a few questions to get a better understanding of your relationship and how you feel about it. 

 

Also, you will be able to share with them anything that is bothering you without fear of being judged. After all, their only goal is to help you and get you to start enjoying your life again!

 

If you need to text about it, text 203-733-9600 and let us know when you are available to begin text coaching. 

 

Our prices range from $60-$500+/hour depending on which therapist you want to see!  

Want to Schedule a Session?

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Fun Self Care Activities for Adults: For Those Struggling with Relationships and Intimacy!

/in , , /by

Fun Self Care Activities for Adults: For Those Struggling with Relationships and Intimacy! 

 

Especially for people who struggle with identity and intimacy, fun self-care activities for adults are crucial to living a healthy and satisfying life. Taking care of yourself can boost your self-esteem, sense of community, and sense of control over your life, whether you’re in a relationship or single.

Try these enjoyable self-care activities:

 

Nature strolls

Walking in nature is a wonderful way to connect with your surroundings. That is, you can stroll through a park or go for a casual stroll. Take a moment to enjoy the beauty of your surroundings and the fresh air. You may experience renewed energy as a result. 

 

Meditation and yoga

You can obtain inner peace and mental quiet through yoga and meditation. There are many various styles to pick from, whether you favor a more demanding practice or a softer approach. I advise beginning out slowly. Here, self-care and enjoyment are the focus.

 

Sound therapy

Music therapy is a fun way to explore your own creativity and get in touch with your feelings. This is a fantastic hobby to attempt, whether you are a musician or simply enjoy listening to music. For various moods, you can compose playlists with songs that make you joyful. 

 

The use of art 

A creative technique to express your feelings and get in touch with your inner selves is through art therapy. It doesn’t matter if you’re a seasoned artist or a novice. What matters, really? pursuing your creative side. This can be accomplished alone, with a buddy, or with a partner.

This can be accomplished alone, with a buddy, or with a partner.

 

Spa Day

If you have the chance to reserve a spa day, it’s one of the best ways to connect with someone—either yourself or another. This can be done at home or at a nearby spa. This can apply to spa services like massages and facials as well. Don’t forget to allocate time for leisure and avoid rushing between appointments.

 

Self-care can support intimacy! 

By offering opportunities for rest, connection, and self-expression, self-care can support identity and intimacy. You feel more in charge, self-assured, and able to connect with people when you take care of yourself.

Self-care is equally crucial for all individuals. You can carry out each of the activities here with friends or alone by simply purchasing a ticket on Eventbrite. Taking care of oneself is the main objective, regardless of your relationship situation.

 

Conclusion

An essential component of living a healthy and fulfilled life is practicing self care. You can feel more confident if you take care of yourself.

Are you ready to acquire more knowledge and discover a more fulfilling experience?

 

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Celebrity Couples Therapy with Amanda Pasciucco

Text Coaching for Celebrity Couples Therapy: Meeting Your Discreet & Confidential Needs 

/in , /by

Text Coaching for Celebrity Couples Therapy: Meeting Your Discreet & Confidential Needs 

 

These days, celebrity couples therapy is all the rage. Every time we turn on the TV or browse social media, it seems like another A-list couple is talking about their treatment experiences or their destructive breakup. However, couples counseling is recommended for a good reason because it may transform a relationship, even for the rich and famous. How can celebrity couples counseling benefit you and your partner, though, and what precisely is it? Let’s start now.

Celebrity couples encounter a special set of issues in their relationships that can be challenging to handle without the right help. Couples counseling offers celebrity couples specialized approaches to overcoming the challenges that come with fame, public attention, and demanding occupations.

How does text coaching help celebrity couples?

  • Managing the demands of fame: A relationship may be under a lot of stress due to the media’s and the public’s constant focus. Couples can improve their communication skills by texting with a communication coach.
  • Work-life harmony for those in challenging occupations Celebrity couples frequently struggle to find time for intimacy. Relationship text coaching gives couples advice on how to stay close despite their busy schedules.
  • Navigating infidelity or ethical non-monogamy: Infidelity is a common problem for celebrity couples, especially with the added temptation of fame. However, some couples have Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Arrangements. Texting is a safe space for celebrity couples to work through trust issues and have the relationship that they desire. 
  • Dealing with public scrutiny: Celebrity relationships are often under a microscope, with every detail of their lives analyzed by the media and public. Text coaching helps couples build resilience and overcome the negative impact of public scrutiny.

Couples therapy with a celebrity twist is the same as traditional couples counseling. You’ll work with a qualified therapist who has competence guiding couples through the particular complications associated with a high-stress lifestyles. A celebrity couples therapy clinician can assist you and your partner in finding your way back to one another, regardless of whether you are struggling with trust issues, communication breakdowns, or the stress that comes with public attention.

Celebrity couples therapy options are available via discreet text therapy. The goal is to specialize in helping individuals and couples improve their relationships, intimacy, and overall well-being. 

Text therapy is an alternative for celebrity couple therapy. Yet, the objective is to focus on assisting couples to enhance their relationships, intimacy, and overall wellbeing.

In Summary

Celebrity couples face challenges in their relationships, and celebrity couples therapy provides tailored solutions to help overcome this. 

With a focus on effective communication, resilience-building, and developing strategies for balancing demanding careers, text coaching can help celebrity couples build stronger, more transformative and fulfilling relationships.

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Why Unicorn Hunting is Taboo in Open Relationships

/in , /by

Why Unicorn Hunting is Taboo in Open Relationships

 

Unicorn hunting is a term used in a relationship where a couple seeks a third person for their relationship. Together as a couple, unicorn hunting is seen as unethical in ways because what they are looking for is as rare as a unicorn. 

Moreover, the pair is thinking that they are such an amazing relationship, why wouldn’t someone want to join them? Many times an other-sex couple will be looking for a bisexual partner. . 

So why are some people in open relationships called unicorn hunters? 

What’s the Fuss Around Unicorn Hunting?

Many polyamorous people consider the fact that heterosexual couples exclusively want to date together. 

The reality is that many LGBTQIA2+ individuals – and women in particular – frequently feel objectified by couples looking for a third partner on dating apps. Instead of an ethically non-monogamous relationship with others, the couple anticipates their unicorn to be sexually and romantically exclusive with just them. 

Unicorn hunting is seen as taboo because it is expected that the unicorn is attracted to both them. The unicorn is supposed to be only interested in being with the couple romantically and sexually. Yet unless they have exclusivity and fidelity, the dynamic between the original couple and their unicorn is unique and separate, because if you are unicorn hunting, the pair is not looking to integrate the third person into the relationship.

In fact, if the couple is successful in their search, things might not always turn out well for that unicorn, because the couple is objectifying that person as a way to meet their needs. Sometimes, it can be severely strained by the inclusion of a third party, and sometimes this leads to chaos in households while integrating the unicorn. 

Furthermore, many people believe that “unicorn hunting” is just a means for men in relationships to have extramarital affairs with other women, while remaining confident their partner isn’t cheating.

Who is a Unicorn Hunter?

Sometimes it is difficult to know if a couple is a unicorn hunter, or actually an ethically non monogamous dyad where each individual is looking to date. 

At times, unicorn hunters will often use the wife’s / woman’s profile on their dating apps, and the majority of the photos in these profiles are of the woman in the couple, with only a few with her partner. 

When you read “M+F,” “couple looking for a third,” then we know that they are looking for an add-on of exclusivity. 

If a couple is approaching a person outside the dating apps, they must be honest about their intentions from the beginning. 

Putting Feelings in the Center

Every relationship has its challenges and most of them will affect our feelings in one way or another. In an open relationship, there is a need to take care of more than just yourself and your partner. This might even be more complicated if you and your partner have been in a relationship for a while and are inviting a new person to your relationship.

The dynamic of your relationship will change, and if you don’t manage it well, the relationship might end up with more than one broken heart. This is why honesty and open communication are pillars of successful open relationships. Being aware of the needs and feelings of your partners allows you to understand and treat them better, which ultimately leads to a healthier relationship.

Tips for a Successful Unicorn Hunting

If you and your partner are interested in finding a person to join your relationship, certain things might help you have a positive experience. 

Please, consider having a conversation with your partner about the idea of bringing others into your relationship. This helps you avoid any misunderstandings or issues that might arise between the two of you. 

If you’re not on the same page, it is difficult to imagine that a new person will ease the tension. Quite the opposite, a new person will only be one more reason for your disagreement. 

Also, consider talking to another couple that was unicorn hunting if you decide you want to do it. 

Someone who has already had a successful throuple or triad might provide you with the best advice on what to do and what to avoid. If you can’t find that person, you can seek people who have shared their positive unicorn hunting experiences online.

In Final Words 

As you can see, there are plenty of reasons why unicorn hunting remains a taboo in open relationships. 

Communication is key to successful relationships, both monogamous and polyamorous. Talk to your partner first about the idea of unicorn hunting and brainstorm some ways to ethically date instead. 

You may find the right person for your relationship, it just might require 5x the time and effort, with patience and attempts to make requests and use boundaries. 

Check Out All Our Additional Therapy Video

Couples Communication and Love Language Strategies

Love-Language-and-Communication-Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Attachment Theory In Practice: Avoidant, Anxious & Beyond

/in , /by

Attachment Theory In Practice: Avoidant, Anxious & Beyond

 

Attachment theory in practice helps us understand and respond better to the needs of humans in the context of their life and relationships. It is focused on connections between people, especially in long-term relationships, including romantic partners and bonds between a parent and a child. 

Before going deeper into learning about attachment theory in practice and naming the benefits it provides for clients, it is essential to understand what attachment is first. Once we know this, we can understand how attachment theory in practice has an impact on different types of relationships.

What is Attachment?

Attachment can best be described as an emotional bond one person has with another. The first bonds we form as children are with our caregivers, and it has an enormous impact on how we connect with other people throughout our lives. Attachment is also valuable when keeping the infant close to its mother, which improves its chances of survival. 

Behavioral theories of attachment suggest that we learn to attach, while other theories challenge that idea by proposing that children are born with a natural drive to dorm attachment with their caregivers. 

It is more likely that the children who maintain close to their attachment figure and receive comfort and protection from them will survive to adulthood more easily than those who don’t. Yet, defining successful attachment is not as simple as it seems. Behaviorists will suggest it is the food that leads to forming an attachment behavior, while others propose nurturance and responsiveness instead of food. 

In attachment theory, the central theme is that primary caregivers, available and responsive to the needs of an infant, will allow it to develop a sense of security. The child knows that its caregiver is dependable and that forms a secure base for the infant to later explore the world. 

Stages of Attachment

Many researchers have analyzed the number of attachment relationships children form from an early age. This led to the attachment theory accepting four different phases of attachment which help therapists and mental health professionals to provide adequate care and treatment.  

  • Pre-Attachment Stage – Up to three months, infants will not demonstrate any particular attachment to their caregivers. The common signals of an infant, crying and fussing, will attract the attention of their caregivers and the infant’s positive response will motivate the caregiver to stay close. 


  • Indiscriminate Attachment – Between 6 weeks to 7 months, the infant will start showing preferences for its primary and secondary caregivers. During this period, children develop trust that their caregivers will respond to their needs. They accept care from others, yet they are beginning to distinguish between familiar and unfamiliar faces, providing a more positive response to the primary caregiver. 


  • Discriminate Attachment – From 7 to 11 months, an infant will show a strong attachment and preference for one specific person. When separated from that person, a child will protest and show symptoms of separation anxiety, while also displaying anxiety around unfamiliar people, known as stranger anxiety.

  • Multiple Attachments – When 9 months old, a child will start forming strong emotional bonds with their secondary caregivers as well, so their attachment will extend beyond the primary attachment figure. This might include the father, older siblings, or grandparents. 

Attachment Factors

As much as developing attachment towards someone seems like a pretty straightforward process, two main factors can influence how these attachments develop. One of them is an opportunity for attachment, in which children who don’t have a primary care figure may fail to develop the trust needed to create an attachment. 

The other factor is quality caregiving, which refers to caregivers responding quickly and consistently, so a child will learn they can depend on those responsible for their care. To me, this is the essential basis for any attachment. 

Attachment Patterns

When looking closer into it, there are four main patterns of attachment:

  • Ambivalent attachment: This child will be very distressed when their parent leaves. It is also one of the most uncommon patterns in the United States. As a result of parents being absent in a certain way, a child cannot depend on their primary caregiver to be around when they need them. 
  • Avoidant attachment: A child with an avoidant attachment tends to avoid its parents or caregivers, displaying no preference between its caregiver and an unfamiliar person. This attachment pattern is often a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers and makes children avoid seeking help later in life because they were punished for doing it with their caregivers. 
  • Disorganized attachment: A child with a disorganized attachment will show a confusing combination of behavior, seeming confused, disoriented, or dazed. They might even seem to avoid or resist the parent and their lack of attachment is typically connected to inconsistent caregiver behavior. Here, caregivers may even serve as both a source of comfort and fear, resulting in disorganized behavior later in life as well.
  • Secure attachment: A child depending on their caregivers show distress each time they are separated and joy when reunited with them. Even if the child seems upset, they feel safe because they know their caregiver will return. When feeling scared, a securely attached child will comfortably look for reassurance from caregivers. 

Attachment Theory in Practice

Understanding attachment theory in practice can be challenging. That’s why whether you or someone you love is experiencing attachment issues, the suggestion is to consider a mental health professional. Because we start forming bonds from an early age, it is often difficult to understand why our current behavior. And beliefs are affected by something that happened decades ago.

That said, regardless of the attachment pattern mentioned above, therapy can help every individual to learn a set of techniques that will facilitate their life, especially the aspect of relationships. Even if a person suffered trauma in their childhood and has attachment issues from it in adulthood. There are types of therapy that specifically help patients looking to improve their romantic lives, yet also bonds they form with everyone else in their life. 

 Get CONNECT now

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

/in , /by

Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

 

If you ask your friend how to survive in an unhappy marriage, they will probably tell you to get a divorce, yet things in life are rarely this black and white. After all, you enjoy some of the things in your marriage. And you’re not willing to give up on them just like that. Maybe you enjoy the family life you built with your kids, or maybe it’s the fun you two have each time on vacation. Whatever it is, marriage isn’t something you just eliminate from your life without putting the effort to save it first.

So, instead of being torn between the two options – leave or stay – you should go back to the reasons why you got married in the first place and what you used to love and admire about your spouse. This process takes time, and if your marriage is something you once cared about. You should never leave just because you feel unhappy at the moment.

Go Back To The Beginning

To understand the source or sources of your unhappiness, you will need to figure out when you started feeling like this. For instance, it might be that you started feeling unhappy when you quit your full-time job and decided to become a stay-at-home parent. This might have led to putting high expectations on your spouse to participate more in family activities. Or romantic moments with you. However, due to their work, they were not able to live up to your expectations.

It might be that your spouse became distant due to work problems and that the two of you stopped communicating and being intimate. There are countless reasons why someone might start feeling unhappy in their marriage, yet the first step to solving it is to determine when and why it all started. And it doesn’t have to be just reason or one person that leads to you feeling like this, it might be a combination. 

So, make sure you ask yourself what changed in your marriage that is making you feel like this. If you don’t have a clear answer, make a comparison of before and after. Go into the most fulfilled phase of your marriage and reminisce on all the good things that made you happy in it. Then, do the same for now. What makes you unhappy? Are you able to separate expectations you put on your partner and reality? Which part are you responsible for?

Accepting Your Responsibility For Your Unhappiness

Before going any further, nobody says that it’s your fault that your partner is neglecting you, being distant from you. Or not hearing you when you talk about your needs. With that being said, we have to be aware that there is a certain amount of responsibility we have for each situation in our life. In marriage, as we’re so connected to our spouses, we often forget that we are two very different individuals. Yes, you might have the same plans for the future, the same values in life, and the same friends or activities. However, you don’t share one personality.

So, instead of blaming the other person for the way you feel, how about finding something that will make you feel satisfied and passionate about something new? It finally might be the time to take that pottery class, join yoga classes in your neighborhood. Or start learning Spanish or French. Think about the things that you always postponed because you never had time to do them, and decide to do them now. 

It doesn’t have to be anything revolutionary, it can be simple walks in the evenings with your best friend to unwind from a stressful day. And have a few moments for yourself. Once you focus more on working toward your own happiness. You will have fewer expectations of others to make you happy. 

Focus Only On Your Marriage

Only once you have taken care of yourself and implemented things that make you happy. You should take a new look at your marriage. There is a chance that the reason you were so unhappy in your marriage had nothing to do with your marriage. Or, it might be that even in your most fulfilled moments. You still don’t feel that marriage is the best option for you. Whatever your ultimate decision is, the important thing is to make a decision from a position of calm, happiness, and strength. Instead of frustration, sadness, or fear. 

Now, that you feel so energized and your life is filled with things that you enjoy doing. How does your marriage feel? If your partner is at his low, are you able to help them? Are you willing to motivate them to work on their own happiness, just like you worked on finding yours? 

You are married to a person, not a thing. What we often forget is that we all change and evolve, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Your partner might be stuck due to certain issues, yet with the right help, they might become again the person you fell in love with. That help can come in numerous shapes and forms. They can see how you changed and be inspired to do the same. They can start communicating openly about their feelings and what is troubling them. Often, people reach out to therapists to provide them with the tools they need to feel in control of their life and satisfied with what they have.

Saving A Marriage

If you’re determined to save your marriage, you should know it will not be easy. Everything that has unmeasurable value to us takes a lot of hard work and love for it to work. If you’re not sure whether you should stay and try to save it, think about how many months or years you have been unhappy. Compared to that, spending a few months trying to make your marriage work. While also seeking your own happiness, doesn’t seem like a long period, right? At least try to make it work by doing the best you can. And then you will know you truly tried everything. 

 

Couples Communication Strategies

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Midlife crisis affairs

Midlife Crisis Affair: How To Build Trust Again

/in , /by

Midlife Crisis Affairs: How To Build Trust Again

 

Midlife crisis affairs are more common than you think, yet this still doesn’t make them easy to forgive. With so much fear around affairs in relationships and marriage, we tend to forget learning tools on how to deal with an affair if it happens, regardless of our final decision. Not to mention even just the fear of being cheated on can destroy healthy, long-term relationships.  

Once midlife crisis affairs do happen, both partners experience a wide range of emotions which are making it difficult for them to communicate rationally and find the best solution for the situation. No doubt, this is one of the most challenging moments of each relationship, and learning how to approach it right is crucial to maintaining your mental and emotional health.

Don’t Blame The Affair

If your partner had or is having an affair, try not to focus all of your efforts on blaming the affair for the troubles in your marriage. In most cases, the problems started way before the partner decided to be unfaithful. It’s definitely the easier route to express all your emotions towards that affair, however, is it the right one?

For those who are wanting to continue in their marriage, a reality check is inevitable. How long has it been since you and your partner have lost intimacy? When was the last time you went out on a date and just enjoyed your time as a couple? All these things affect intimacy, and blaming something or someone else for it will not make that problem go away. Yes, your partner was or is unfaithful, and that’s not okay, yet what you can learn from this experience is what will help you overcome it. 

Have a Long, Honest Conversation

Most people will be stuck in this situation and repeating questions such as ‘What was he/she like?’, ‘What was the sex like?’, ‘What does he/she give to you that I don’t?’, however, these questions are not constructive. Instead of letting jealousy take control over your actions, take a deep breath and ask questions that might save your marriage and help you do it right this time. 

The sooner you understand it’s not about who is to blame, it’s about what was wrong in the relationship that affected your intimacy. So, you should be curious about how your partner was feeling in the marriage, and what they need from you in order to feel happy and loved. Try to understand how your partner felt and what were their reasons for starting an affair, and avoid making them feel ashamed and guilty. 

Determine The Next Steps

Keep in mind that nobody expects you to forget about the affair immediately. It will take time to rebuild trust and intimacy in your marriage, so you’ll need to think of it as a process instead of a sudden change. It might even happen if you start the relationship completely from the beginning. Many married couples lost their connection years ago and they are completely unaware of what excites their partner, what are their recent interests, and what they dream about. After all, being overwhelmed with responsibilities will sometimes take away these valuable conversations from us.

So, start dating again, seduce each other, and share what you both need to make this work. You will need to set clear boundaries that will avoid additional complications, such as how you feel about having sex immediately, should you go to family gatherings when working through this affair, and if you should live separately during this period. 

Don’t Involve Others In Your Marriage

When your spouse cheats on you, you will probably first feel betrayed. This feeling might motivate you to reach out to all of your friends and family members to talk bad about your partner and turn them into a villain. As much as it is good to have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling about the affair, involving too many people might create a more complex situation than you can handle right now.

Avoid working on your marital problems outside your marriage. The person you should talk to is your partner. If you feel sad or afraid, share that with them. Understanding how you feel is what can bring your partner close to you again. Don’t think of this situation as a battle where one person comes out as a winner and the other one as a loser. You are both trying to save your marriage, and if you succeed together, there is no greater win than that.

If you become suspicious of your partner’s actions, call them out on it. Don’t fall into plotting conspiracy theories and scenarios that will only cause additional damage. However, make sure that you feel capable of giving your partner a new opportunity before trying to work things out and then using every chance you get to be jealous or suspicious of everything they do. 

Try Couple’s Therapy

Most couples who have been through a midlife crisis affair will need guidance from a professional. After all, it’s not easy to deal with all these emotions and try to make your marriage work, so many decide to go into couple’s therapy. A counselor will help you and your partner have more constructive conversations which will be beneficial for yourself and your relationship.

It will take time to heal and that’s completely fine, as long as you’re moving in a direction towards healing and not destruction. Therapy provides you both with a safe space to express your emotions and also gives you tools that can help you build trust again. The time you both dedicate to therapy should motivate you to make the most of having someone experienced in this topic to help you. Avoid treating it like a battlefield where you’re the victim, and your partner takes all the fault.

If you’re certain that you wish to rebuild your marriage and connect with your partner again, you will need to make that leap of faith and start clean. No resentment, no blame, no destruction. If you want to save your marriage, everything that is not working in favor of it should stay in the past.

 

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

How To Catch A Cheater

How To Catch A Cheater

/in , /by

How To Catch A Cheater

 

If you’ve even been suspicious of your partner’s whereabouts, knowing how to catch a cheater should be a part of your love skillset. Usually, when your gut is telling you there is something wrong, it is because there is, yet it’s not easy to make decisions solely based on that, right? You will maybe notice subtle changes in your partner’s appearance, from being absent from home to being very protective of their phone or computer.

Let’s face it, with all these dating apps around us, it’s quite easy to find another person and even easier to cover your tracks. However, there is still a lot one can do to find out whether their partner is cheating on them or not. From looking closely at how they are with their phone to analyzing your intimate moments, here is what you will need to do if you want to find out if your partner is a cheater. 

 

Study Their Behavior When on Phone

Your friends might advise you to start checking your partner’s phone when they are not around and as much as this could provide you with more information, try to avoid it. Once you start going through their messages, phone calls and social media accounts, you will become addicted to the idea of checking it constantly. Even if nothing is happening and your partner is not cheating on you, you will be more focused on going through their phone than enjoying a beautiful moment with them. 

Instead, try to be more observant of their behavior when they are on their phone. What has changed? Maybe they are spending more time on their phone than usual or they are going to another room to take the calls. Be direct, ask who they are texting with or who is calling them, yet avoid sounding suspicious or jealous. Also, think about the time this person is calling your partner. For instance, if their coworker is calling them late and you know they usually don’t work at these hours, ask why they are calling and if everything is alright.

Another trick that a cheater will usually use is to change the name of the person they are seeing to something that will not raise suspicions, such as John from legal or Sarah from yoga. That’s why you must consider the time of the interaction and how your partner behaves before, during and after that interaction.

 

Review Their Social Media Accounts

Again a big ‘NO’ to hacking social media accounts as you will not be able to stop yourself and soon, you’ll be reading conversations your partner had with their ex five years ago and become upset about it. Just by visiting their social media accounts, you will be able to find a clue of infidelity if your partner is a person that shares a lot of details about their life on Facebook or Instagram. Of course, don’t expect they will publish a photo with the other person in the background, yet you might spot some other things.

For those who like to impress on social media, once they meet a new person and want to impress them, they will likely publish selfies, gym photos, their car, apartment or anything else that might show them as a great catch. You will probably not be able to find likes or comments from the other person on your partner’s profile, yet once you see they have changed their act on social media, it’s typically for a good reason.

This type of person will avoid publishing photos of you two, although they have maybe done it previously. So, take a cute photo with your partner and ask them nicely to post it on their social media just to see their reaction. If they post it yet don’t feel good about it, maybe it’s time to start being more observant of other signs of infidelity. If your partner doesn’t care much about social media, looking for signs there will be a waste of your time.

 

Changes in Lifestyle

Your partner will probably not buy a new car when they start seeing someone, yet other smaller things might change. For instance, they might purchase new clothes and spend more time getting ready to go to work or for dinner with friends. They might enroll in the gym even though they never showed interest in it before. Anything that doesn’t correlate with their personality and their personal objectives, be suspicious of it. 

Also, changes in your relationships might happen due to another person. If they always had dinner with you after a long day at work and suddenly, they are no longer interested or available, your partner could be cheating you. Ask yourself also what other aspects of your relationship have changed. Do they still try to spend their free time with you or have they found another hobby that’s taking most of their time? Are they still talking about the same plans you both had for the future?

 

Loss of Intimacy

If your partner is seeing another person, it will be quite challenging to keep the passion alive at home and in the streets. Most of the time, the cheater will have less motivation to have sex with their partner or to even talk in bed before going to sleep. Think about any of the intimate moments you used to share and enjoy and analyze if something changed. 

For instance, you both used to love drinking coffee in the morning and talking about everything, and now you cannot remember when was the last time you did that. If they are avoiding spending time with you, something is happening. Yet, don’t jump to conclusions. Make sure you are not feeling insecure due to your personal issues and whatever you decide to do, don’t attack your partner.

The reason why you shouldn’t attack is also that it will be different to study their behavior and body language. When someone is caught cheating, it’s never a pleasant situation, so you should be calm and rational to notice all the possible signs. And don’t skip the conversation and break up with them, each person deserves a chance to explain. Whatever the outcome, make sure you do all you can from your end.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

How To Break Up With Someone Over Text

How To Break Up With Someone Over Text

/in , /by

How To Break Up With Someone Over Text

 

How to break up with someone over text and not hurt their feelings? Sorry to disappoint you: it’s almost impossible to break up with someone, whether it’s in person, over text or a phone call, and not to impact the way they feel. With that being said, there are several approaches you can choose to break up with someone in a respectful way, even if it’s over a text message. 

So, if you’re currently in a relationship that is making you unhappy, learn here how to kindly break up with that person and give yourself a chance for a fresh start.

 

When should you break up with someone over text?

As much as you might think that this is not the best method to put an end to a relationship, there are many situations where it’s one of the most efficient and safest ways. For those who have been in a toxic or maybe violent relationship and their partner simply lacks comprehension and empathy, it’s almost naive to expect you’ll be able to break up with them successfully in person.

In general, if you have a partner that will not accept your decision on ending the relationship, you should always choose to inform them over text. Otherwise, you might get stuck in endless discussions which will lead nowhere. 

Also, if you went only on a few dates and you’re not sure whether this can be called a relationship yet you are certain you want to put a stop to it, text them about it. Making big announcements for something that is still in the casual phase of dating is a drama that everyone wants to avoid. 

If you have been in a long relationship with your partner and it’s no longer working out, don’t break the news to them over a text message. You can invite them for coffee or a walk in your text and do it respectfully in person. You wouldn’t want to be left by your partner of three years over a simple, plain text either, right?

 

How to craft your break-up text message?

If you have decided to break up with someone over text, you will need to be kind, yet straightforward. Don’t send an extra short or long text as they will not deliver the message properly. Instead, follow this simple break up formula:

  1. Start with a compliment. Say what you loved about the relationship or the person e.g. long talk, fun road trip or their kindness. Write it from your heart so your partner knows you were as honest as you could have been.
  2. Explain your reason. You are breaking up with them for a certain reason or more of them. Make sure you explain why that is the deal breaker for you.
  3. Wish them all the best. Consider that this is your last message to them and write what you wish for them. Avoid the sarcastic, angry or negative tone. It simply didn’t work out and that’s fine!

And what happens if you are trying to get out of a really unhealthy relationship? In reality, your text should follow the same structure yet instead of focusing on complimenting the person, you should firmly explain why you wish to end this relationship. Show you are not looking to discuss things and that you’re not expecting a reply.

 

Can you break up and still be friends?

This doesn’t depend so much on your chosen break up method as it depends on you and your partner. For instance, maybe it was a blind date that didn’t go well, yet you both decided to give it another chance. After three or four times, you decide to end it. If they agree there was no spark between the two of you, and they wish to keep you in their lives, there is a pretty good chance you two will stay friends.

If this is something you want, you should write it clearly in your text. This is a good example of how to break up and show you still wish to be friends:

Hi Alex, it was great going to your favorite restaurant the other night. I had so much fun, yet, from my end – there’s no spark. It seems like it’s the same for you, am I right? I would love to continue having fun as friends!

If you’re looking to be friends with them, make sure your messages are written in a positive tone and that you are not focusing on the breaking up part. Highlight what you really like about them and keep it light and breezy!

 

What do you need to avoid when sending a break up text?

Never broken up with someone over text before? Don’t worry, it’s actually not that difficult. From all those who are already experts in this field, these are the common mistakes we gathered that they wish never happened. Make sure they never happen to you!

  • Don’t swear or insult. Besides being rude, you will show that your decision is not rational as it comes from anger.
  • Don’t be sarcastic or cynical. Breakups are already uncomfortable without comments which will make the person feel even worse.
  • Don’t write essays. Writing long breakup messages can seem like you’re sharing your point of view and asking them to share theirs. Keep it short!
  • Don’t send multiple texts. Send everyone in one message. Sending a few in a row can seem like you’re not so certain in your decision.
  • Don’t block them. As much as it helps you not to know if they replied, be reasonable and don’t treat them immediately like your worst enemy.
  • Don’t finish with a question. You are breaking up with them so your message shouldn’t be an opening for a discussion. Be affirmative.

If this is your first time you will break up with someone over text, just think about the text you would prefer if someone was breaking up with you. It doesn’t have to be poetic, beautiful and with perfect grammar, it just needs to be from the heart and with all the respect that person deserves!

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Gray Divorce

/in , /by

Gray Divorce On The Rise

 

Recently the New York Times discussed a new phenomena known as “Gray Divorce”. Gray Divorce is a trend being seen of people over 50 getting divorced. And seemingly correlating with “empty nests” (after the children leave the home) and a variety of other factors.

The gray divorce trend seems to indicate that divorce rates generally are decreasing. However, among “boomers” and older folks, the divorce rates are increasing. Gray divorce means that long-term marriages of decades and are now divorcing at higher rates than expected.

The issues faced by this age group getting divorced overlap with reasons the general populations divorces. However, the impact is different. If you divorce younger, the financial and social impacts can be different.

 

Social and Financial Impacts

In divorces where people are older, we are seeing really challenging financial and social experiences.

Financially, many people at this stage in life are close to or in retirement. Which is making it extremely difficult to divide assets and can drastically shift plans people have to retire. If the couple has already retired, a divorce during retirement reverberates into a some really difficult and significant changes in each partner’s standard of living. Some people have to return to work or grieve what they anticipated retirement to look like for them.

The social impact is also unique in gray divorce as couple’s often have an established social network or already experiencing a reduction of socialization. Either of which can create some difficult circumstances for navigating a divorce. Often couples divorcing end up having friends and family choosing sides which can reduce social contact. And connection for each partner in the process. And increase tension and conflict at gatherings and functions where both parties are there.

 

Retirement and “The Empty Nest”

Retirement and the “empty nest” can create a significant change within the relationship. Both things individually are monumental shifts in people’s lives.

For years, work and family have been the focus in the relationship and when both those things shift couple’s are finding less satisfaction and less in common. This can the experience of “falling out of love” or wanting to different futures as it comes to their “golden years.”

Often, we see that the couple has focused much of their resources on work and family and over the years did not grow and change together. As children moved out and they retired this becomes more noticeable as there is less “distraction” from the couple’s relationship themselves.

Couple’s report that they have become more disconnected and their life became much more quiet or calm, leaving the relationship and marriage feeling quiet and disconnected.

 

New Relationships – Partnering / Re-partnering

Whether the new relationship is the catalyst for the divorce (engaging in emotional or physical infidelity). Or if the new relationship comes after the divorce there is quite a bit of challenges. If one or both people have new relationships, because of the long term nature of the previous relationship (or marriage) it is often more difficult for the family and friends to adjust to new partners. Often times, we see further conflict or tension in the family and community system as people engage in new relationships.

In the event of infidelity, the partner who engaged in the infidelity has the most difficulty, as they are blamed for “breaking up the family”. Unfortunately, this results in children, family, and friends that may refuse to be part of the relationship if they continue to see affair partner.

For the partner who did not engage in the affair, there is often varying levels of trauma that occur. They often received a lot of support. However, they may struggle with the emotional and relational components moving forward.

Regardless of how the new relationships started, this is extremely difficult in the event of a “gray divorce.”

 

Trauma and Grief

As you age, grief becomes an ever present part of life. Grief is the process of loss and could be a divorce, death, unemployment, and / or loss of connection.

In the case of gray divorce, it is the loss of what you expected in the “golden years”. Sometimes, loneliness is a common feeling for those grieving.

This grief and depression may be symptoms of greater trauma in life transitions. For example, when you are over 50 and getting divorced, there may be fear. That fear, in addition to the massive shifting, can create levels of trauma and difficulty. People going through divorce are recommended to seek therapy, and this population is no exception.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.