my husband hate me

I Think My Husband Hates Me & How To Solve It!

I Think My Husband Hates Me & How To Solve It!

 

If you have been feeling neglected, resented and anxious in your marriage, you may be thinking to yourself I think my husband hates me.

No marriage is picture perfect, and it could even be possible that he feels the same way about you! So instead of jumping to the conclusion “my husband hates me”, let’s look at why you may be feeling that way. Hatred and resentment can of course arise in marriages, though rarely out of the blue. 

“He is always choosing time with the guys instead of time with me!”

You may be feeling neglected if your hubby is choosing to spend time with the bros All. The. Time. This is understandable! 

While there is nothing wrong with him wanting time with his friends- friendships outside of a relationship are healthy and should be encouraged- it doesn’t have to be a battle of friends vs. wife. 

As with every relationship issue, communication is crucial. Here are some ideas of where he might be coming from with this behavior, and some suggestions to open up communication:

  • He may feel overwhelmed by the daily minutia of chores, bills and routine
  • He may feel like you are mothering him
  • He may just need time with other men
  • He may be stressed by financial or personal concerns and need a distraction
  • He may just want to connect with people who share his hobbies

Remember, one person cannot be everything to everyone, though as his spouse you shouldn’t have to feel neglected! Try opening up:

  • Ask him directly if something is wrong! He may be hurt by something you’ve overlooked, it can save a lot of time if you directly ask what’s going on. 
  • Say how much you love him and wish you could spend more time together. Does he feel like you spend enough time together? Are you having enough sex and fun, or have you become roommates? 
  • Tell him how hurtful it is when he ditches plans with you for plans with the guys. Does this information surprise him or does he seem unphased? He may just not understand and need to be told directly that his actions are hurtful. 
  • Both of you can share what you enjoy doing as a couple, and plan to do more of those things. This could be games, favorite tv shows, sports, cooking- any activity you enjoy doing together! 
  • Offer to host the next guy's night at your home- this may put your mind at ease if you know what they’re up to, though don’t feel the need to spy. This is about letting your husband know you care about his friendships. 

My Husband Hates Me

Likely, he just needs to blow off some steam and as a couple you can shake up the routine to be more fun. You’ll never know until you talk about it with each other!

“He is always giving me dirty looks, rolling his eyes and scowls at me”

It can be super hurtful if someone you love is giving you dirty looks- it feels like instant rejection and like they don’t care about your feelings. 

Think back to when you were a teenager and I’m sure you gave many of those looks to people around you, especially authority figures! Some reasons he may be giving you dirty looks:

  • You’re nagging him. Is this something you’ve asked him to do already, and he has said he will do it? Is there a reason you feel the need to remind him?
  • You’ve broached a no-go topic. Does he have any traumas and sensitivities you are unknowingly or knowingly bringing up? 
  • He is insulted. Did you say something critical about his job, his body, his family or his finances? While you should never be a doormat, criticism needs to come from a healthy, constructive and supportive place- not making fun of his belly, ranting about his sister’s money issues or telling him he’s a loser for not getting a better job. 
  • A difference of values. This is a very political day and age, and if you hold vastly different opinions about politics and social issues you’re probably both doing some eye rolling at each other! You may not have known how different your opinions are until now. 
  • He’s frustrated. Everyone gets frustrated. Ask him why. 

 

If it is a constant issue, it is wise to seek counseling. You shouldn’t be made to feel disliked in your own home, especially from someone you are building a life with, and he shouldn’t have to feel so frustrated and annoyed. There may be a solution to be found!

“So…does my husband hate me?”

It is impossible to know unless you communicate about it! He may not hate you- though he may feel resentment, rejection, or frustrations and these can all be addressed through communication and counseling. 

Chances are, this is a bump in the road that can be solved. There is also a chance that he is completely unaware of how his actions are affecting you! Asking yourself “does my husband hate me” is way less effective than simply opening up the conversation- though it may be awkward and difficult, it is always worthwhile!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.


5 Labor Languages

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

 

Have you heard about 5 Labor Languages?

You may be here because you are looking for a 5 love language quiz to try. 

Here is the thing… I am a millennial therapist, so I talk about emotional, cognitive, physical, relational labor… and the idea of bringing those all to consciousness often. 

Through my experience in working with individuals and relationships, many people discuss the 5 love language quiz, yet they are still in therapy. 

I have learned that Labor Languages are FAR less talked about than it should be. 

So buckle up, today we are talking about “labor” instead of the 5 love language quiz! 

Before we begin, I want you to take stock of which pieces or aspects of labor in relationships (romantic and otherwise) you do!

 

Physical labor

Physical labor looks like what is done in a relationship that are often seen as tasks or chores. This labor could look like taking out the garbage, cleaning, organizing, yard work, physical intimacy, fixing things in shared space, cleaning the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. These are not all the ways to do physical labor, I am just noting some examples.

Physical labor requires one to do some physical or manual work. Often these tasks or chores are day to day (such as cleaning the kitchen or cooking) or multiple times per week (such as vacuuming)  or weekly (mowing the lawn) or larger tasks such as fixing something in the household, etc. 

Admittedly, this has not always been my personal strength, but I have used this as a growth edge for me. I have worked hard at building ways to increase my ability to engage in these type of labor and I am rocking it out!

 

Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is placing your own personal resources or energy into someone else’s emotions or feelings to support them in what may be occurring. This can be done through conversation, holding space for someone, physical reassurance, listening to them, communicating, etc. 

Emotional labor is one that we see in various types of relationships (not just romantic ones). I am very lucky as a therapist to have so many people in my life who are great at this and to have the skills to engage in this.

 

Cognitive Labor

Cognitive labor is often known as the “invisible” work in relationships. 

It is how someone organizes tasks, keeps the household running, and often includes planning, forethought, and looking at the big picture. 

Cognitive labor can look like running the family calendar, managing family finances, planning meals, scheduling appointments, organizing events, and coordinating with other systems (family, friends, daycare, etc.). 

Boom! This is 100% my strength in almost all my relationships. 

My friends and family know that when I am at my highest and best version of me, I am usually really engaged with cognitive (and emotional!) labor in my relationships. 

 

Relational Labor

Relational labor is a combination of all of the above listed ones. I say this because this is the labor where we have to communicate and work together in our relationships to engage in each of the above (physical, emotional, and cognitive). In relational labor, it is our responsibility to communicate, share, collaborate, and create within our relationships in order to make sure our needs are met within that relationship. Relational labor looks like having conversations about the relationship, setting boundaries, clarifying, and communicating. 

For me, this is a growth edge that I have had. There have been times in my life where I rocked at this and there have certainly been times in various relationships where I have struggled with this piece. I think it is important that we take stock and look at which relationships this was hardest to do and why. When I do that, I notice this has showed up in many of my friendships and because of my own traumas, me not engaging in this labor was for fear or loss so setting boundaries or talking about my needs was often so scary I didn’t address it.

 

Boom Shaka Laka - Bring the Unconscious to the Conscious!

Alright, now we have looked at each of these sections and we are sitting and considering which areas in which relationships are on point and which are a growth edge for us. Wahoo!

This is so important to reflect on because often times we unconsciously engage in this labor. When this labor is done unconsciously it can result in feelings of resentment towards others. The problem is, is if we are not conscious or aware of it we may not be able to truly communicate what is showing up for us - and if we cannot do that we are not going to feel fulfilled in our relationships. 

I urge you to bring the unconscious to the conscious. Reflect. Learn. Growth. Communicate. HEAL. Healing is a process, when we truly begin to do it - it looks like conscious, intentional, consensual growth. When we are unconsciously doing, we are not truly choosing or consenting. When we do not choose or consent, we resent and (re)experience trauma. When we choose and consent, we are empowered and work within our relationships to negotiate, collaborate, and create. 

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


How To Save My Marriage! 

How To Save My Marriage! 

 

Step by step guide on how to save my marriage is here for you. 

Seriously, how long has it taken you to google how to save my marriage?

If longer than a year, that’s an eternity in our fast-changing, “what’s new today” world. 

You may be here because you or your partner(s) feels: 

  • Annoyed
  • Irritated
  • Betrayed
  • Degraded
  • Shamed
  • Blamed

 

Step 1 on How To Save My Marriage

Accept that to save your marriage is going to be slow and tedious, yet really helpful! 

I imagine a part of you feels your partner is confusing because they excuse their behaviors, and yet aren’t willing to learn about you or hear what you are saying. 

My take is that because your partner and you are needing help on “how to save my marriage,” that I can give you a very strange take on how to slowly yet practically unwind the tangled mess. 

 

Step 2 is to Use Your Psyche!

Go to therapy or use the Inner Aspects Method (IAM) by Francesca Gentille!how to save my marriage

A quick synopsis of the IAM model is that ALL OF US have 100s of inner aspects on the inside. 

They are brilliant parts of us created by our psyche to survive. 

We can be heroes and villains in our own story. 

Sometimes, it goes awry in a partnership and tangles up though. 

You may not even be aware subconsciously of the many inner parts of your personality. 

My truth is that there is no "ONE" thing that we are as a partner though. I wish there were... it would feel really comforting to know. Life, relationships, and relationships with responsibility and/or power dynamics are more nuanced and layered than one answer. 

 

Step 3 Nonviolent Communication will save your marriage! 

Nonviolent communication and Tony Robbins’ 6 Human Needs will teach you exactly how to save my marriage! 

Each part of our psyche has different needs! See the graphic of the human needs here!

Humans WILL get these needs met (in HEALTHY or UNHEALTHY ways). 

If we can slow down our world a bit and self-reflect and evaluate who we are on the inside... we can slow down enough to get conscious of who we are inside. 

And then, figure out what STRATEGIES  (examples of strategies: 

  • Work
  • Yoga
  • eating healthy
  • Attraction
  • Drugs

What are some of the ways you get your needs met through work? Which parts of you are getting those needs met? 

For me, the therapist parts of me get my needs of contribution, uncertainty, connection, and certainty through some of the strategies I use daily with my clients and my staff. 

 

Step 4 is Reconciliation on the past. 

Whoever is MOST accountable wins. Continue to own parts of what you did to contribute to the current state of events. Seek a licensed marriage and family therapist, someone trained with a license in couples counseling, or seek someone who knows about balancing out the foundation of the relationship. 

Begin moving through old stories and blame or shame. 

Realize that these inner messages, if you have a partner willing to do the work and grow with you, are not going to be helpful for the relationship you are building. 

 

Step 5 is where we envision a new marriage! 

New rituals, vows, and more consciousness. Begin feeling inspired. Looking at your partner, and even friends, with loving eyes. New visions and recalibrating what you would like to create is often helpful to move through times that are uncertain and uncomfortable.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.


Why is Confidence Sexy

Sex Therapist Gives 5 Answers to "Why is Confidence Sexy"

Sex Therapist Gives 5 Answers to "Why is Confidence Sexy"

 

So, you are here because you are also asking yourself "why is confidence sexy," just like many of our viewers have done! So... I have the answers as to why confidence is so sexy!

In this video I will explain why confidence is sexy and if you think you are not confident enough, I am giving you my “Behind the Scenes of Communication” Eguide to boost your confidence!

These 5 reasons on why confidence is sexy work for just about everyone!

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR "BEHIND THE SCENES OF COMMUNCATION" GUIDE

https://gn91oeao.pages.infusionsoft.net ←HERE

 

Watch now:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 PM EST

 

Say hi on social:

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You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


couple talking

Couple Talking – The Quarantine Communication Crash Course

Couple Talking – The Quarantine Communication Crash Course

 

It is perfectly understandable that couple talking techniques would change, because when we find ourselves in new situations, we need to come up with new ways of coping and flourishing. 

I’ve noticed in meeting with clients that some couples are finding challenges communicating effectively, and as couples spend more time together than ever, couple talking changes! You can’t expect the same results from old ways of thinking and communicating! 

Just spend a moment considering how much your work routines have changed. 

We’re all on some sort of video conferencing software, balancing parenting or caretaking, health and exercise, financial stresses, and other tasks within the boundaries of our home. 

The coronavirus pandemic has forced all of us to make fast decisions about what’s vital and what’s not. What doesn’t work fails immediately, and effective results stick.

The same goes for couple talking techniques. 

Quarantining all day has been a crash course for many of my clients on verbal and non-verbal communication with their spouse or partner. 

The more you utilize effective strategies and techniques, the faster you’ll adapt to this new reality.

Let’s look on the bright side and imagine how much better we’ll know and communicate with our partners as things transition back to “normal” life. 

You can use your time now as a petri dish to experiment with some of these expert couple talking strategies.

couple talking

Dr. Gottman on Intimate Conversation

Dr. Gottman has been helping couples build bonds and communicate effectively for decades. One of his main strategies for building trust in a relationship is related to open communication free from any hint of defensiveness.

Your partner could be hiding something from you or masking destructive behaviors because they fear your reaction. It could also be one of the reasons they react strongly to anything that resembles criticism. 

For example, that sort of thing happens a lot when a spouse attempts to talk to their partner about what they see is a pornography problem. They move to strike back quickly to discourage any more questioning.

For many of us, our first inclination when our partner has a problem or talks about something challenging is to offer solutions. We want to immediately problem-solve their way out of it. We tell ourselves that’s how we’re projecting that we care about them.

Instead, though, Gottman says that before advice must come understanding

Intimate communication must include couples talking  that’s free from judgment.

One of the best ways to do this is by asking your partner open-ended follow-up questions. These invite them to speak more freely and get out whatever feelings they’ve got pent up inside. The next time your partner expresses frustration, anger, or even joy, ask them to talk more about how they feel and why. You’re on your way to build a more free and open communication platform.

 

Find Healing with Imago Relationship Therapy

Imago relationship therapy focuses on building intimate connections through healing. Fear of being truly known is one of the main obstacles my clients face. Most of us naturally maintain some semblance of a distance between our true selves and those around us. It may not be as simple as we don’t trust them. Often, we feel uncomfortable thinking or discussing our past or trauma we still live with.

Sharing intimate feelings, both fears and aspirations will help you as a couple build a love that’s more connected and intimate. Easier said than done, however. To feel comfortable opening or, you and your partner have to feel safe in your relationship.

Worries, concerns, doubts, and other emotions have to be communicated in a safe environment without risk of retribution.

The best couple talking happens in safe conversations. You can discover how to create safe conversations by talking to your partner about what makes them feel unsafe. Eliminate any conditions that could trigger anxiety as you speak. Sit closely to stay physically connected. Maintain eye contact. Offer validation often as your partner shares difficult emotions.

couple talking

Couple Talk with F-A-S-T

As a therapist, I help people understand how their emotions can hijack conversations. We all must understand how our messages are conveyed, especially to our intimate partners who we care deeply about.

In many couples, there’s often one partner who feels it’s appropriate to make their feelings subordinate to their partner’s to “make things work”. They are quick to apologize to try and smooth things over and withhold their true feelings because they don’t want to rock the boat.

What these people don’t realize is that they’re setting themselves up for long-term failure. That negatively impacts their partner and also their self-worth. If you find yourself sacrificing too much for the good of the relationship, you need to reexamine things.

For example, sometimes clients struggle with different sexual desires in their relationship. The higher-desire partner can feel frustrated and that they’re giving up something incredibly important because their partner doesn’t want to have sex as much as they do. Either that or they’re into kink or want to try some roleplaying.

Telling yourself that that’s just the way things are can only last so long. Eventually, the resentment will be so strong it will lead to collapse, infidelity, or some other disruption.

The point of learning how to speak about difficult topics is to find a way to meet in the middle for a solution that’s acceptable to both parties.

I recommend the FAST method of communication as a way to stay grounded when communicating with your spouse or partner. FAST stands for:

Fairness – Remember to be fair to yourself and your partner. Avoid criticism and judgment.

Apologies – Reserve apologies for when they’re required. Don’t apologize for feeling a certain way or being who you are. Apologize when you’ve done something wrong.

Stick to Your Values – There’s a compromise, and then there’s self-sacrifice. Too much sacrifice will make you feel resentful. Don’t cheat on your values to make something work or to make someone feel better.

Truth – Don’t exaggerate and don’t lie. Stay grounded and honest in your communication. Your partner will listen to what you have to say and know you are being sincere.

FAST is just one communication technique I recommend for couple talk. Several other methods can help you remember effective communication skills when conflict arises or it’s time to give your partner validation and praise.

I think we forget too often that we need effective communication when things are good just as much as when they are bad. How you speak to your partner when things are positive is like filling the well that you can draw on when stress is high and you’re having disagreements.

If there’s anything everyone needs right now during this troubling time it’s more praise and validation. These are simple things you can do to build your partner up and create stronger bonds in your intimate relationship.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Are you dating a narcissistic? 

Are you dating a narcissistic? 

 

Dating a narcissistic is complicated to say the least, whether the narcissist is your parent, partner, boss, or best friend. From what I have learned from my clients and my education, it is clear that there are some tell-tale signs of what it looks like to be associated with someone who is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies. 

Often narcissists will demonstrate obsession or idealization of the person. This person is usually on a pedestal and the narcissist will sing this person's praises (aka love bombing). The person gets significance from the narcissist and connection. The narcissist also gets significance through the adoration and admiration of the other person. This is a vital need for someone who is a narcissist. 

The relationship between the narcissist and the other person (often someone who is co-dependent, people pleaser, or a trauma victim) engage in this relationship as long as the non-narcissistic person continues to engage in the relationship in the same way. As boundaries are set or requests are made or attention shifts, the person who is engaging in narcissistic behaviors begins to disconnect from their partner or other person. 

The non-narcissist is now no longer perfect or idealized and the person with narcissism devalues and eventually discards the other person. Often at this point in the relationship the narcissist will increase behaviors such as gaslighting, crazy-making conversation, withdrawing, and seeking alternative ways to get their needs met (other friendship, partners, or family members). 

At times the person with narcissistic tendencies or with the personality disorder will self-sabotage creating circumstances where other people will abandon them due to their behavior (abusive or ethically questionable). Other times, the narcissistic person will disengage completely as to be the person in control and “to leave” before they are left. 

As long as the narcissistic person is getting their needs met of significance through someone elevating them and focusing on their needs they will continue the relationship. As soon as that need is not being met, the person will repeat the cycle. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Control consent

Keeping Control Over Your Right to Consent

Keeping Control Over Your Right to Consent

 

Staying in control over choice and consent is crucial to your long-term happiness. I encounter so many people who struggle with others imposing their will on them. 

They feel like the negative consequences of saying “no” outweigh their desire to exercise total free will.

Consent is one of the most important foundational blocks in an intimate relationship. 

Without it, it’s impossible to truly know your partner and even yourself. Real intimacy comes from vulnerability, and making a conscious choice to open yourself to another human being.

When consent is denied or withheld, it places a roadblock in front of the deep connection that love can provide. When given, it’s one of the best gifts you can give.

We all should fiercely guard control of our ability to give consent. 

That’s true of when we’re having sex and how we’re treated by others.

 

Control Over Choice Vs. Control Over Outcome

This is an important distinction when it comes to being a control freak. Let’s take physical intimacy as an example.

In bed, a lot of people are control freaks.

Control consent

They want to dictate how fast things happen, what positions you have sex in, what they go, no-go areas are, and how often you make love.

When this happens, control tilts into negative territory because it affects your partners and their ability to control their intimate experiences.

Real control, related to physical intimacy, comes when we set parameters and make choices willingly to engage in a mutual sexual experience. We’re controlling the situation, not the outcome.

We should fiercely guard control over our safety, what we feel comfortable doing, and who we’re doing it with. However, trying to control the outcome will only shortchange the experience. 

It won’t be as fulfilling as when you let the outcome develop naturally.

 

When to Put the Control Freak in Time Out

I meet with so many people who deny themselves sexual pleasure and close connection with intimate partners because they can’t let go of control. The act of controlling something is now controlling them!

We all need to work on keeping the control freak in check from time to time. It opens us to new sexual experiences and parts of intimacy we have yet to explore.

Dealing in absolutes over what you will and won’t do can be limiting. In cases where there is past trauma, that may be warranted. However, in a trusting and consensual relationship, hardlines aren’t conducive to great sex.

One of the greatest pleasures with sex is the exploration and development we all go through as we experiment and discover. You learn how you like to be touched, when to move fast and when to go slow, and what turns your partner on the most.

 

Letting Go of Control Can Be the Ultimate Freedom

Overcoming your inner control freak isn’t easy, especially when it comes to sex. The people most hell-bent on control often have the most difficult time sexually. They can’t get past their head and just enjoy the experience.

Progress with letting go of control and enjoying intimacy takes time. Progress comes in stages that are sometimes small victories over the years. Hopefully, you have a supportive partner and friends you can count on to help celebrate any forward movement.

Staying mindful of your mental state before, during and after sex can help. Try to take notice of how you feel before you have sex. Are you naturally resistant anytime your partner tries something new? Are you able to comfortably allow your partner to stimulate you to climax? Can you have a frank talk during or after sex about where you want to be touched and how?

Letting go of arbitrary boundaries or any shame you carry around sex in bed or during everyday life, is the true path to control. Instead of being a control freak about the little things, start freaking out over controlling the important things in life. Search for and find love and fulfillment through openness and exploration.

 You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Polyamory: Jealousy vs Envy

Polyamory: Jealousy vs Envy

 

What’s the difference between jealousy and envy? We’re taught not to covet or desire something someone else has. It’s ok to aspire, but for generations, we’ve been warned against crossing the line into jealousy and envy.

Even though they’re often interchanged in common language, jealousy and envy aren’t the same. They have different meanings that matter greatly when it comes to our relationships.

Struggling with jealousy is something most couples deal with, but today we’re talking about how people in polyamorous relationships or who are considering polyamory.

 

What is Polyamory?

Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person. Usually, when you’re in a polyamorous relationship, you’re connected to two or more people intimately, and often sexually. This isn’t a side piece or an illicit affair. All partners understand the basic guidelines of polyamory and adjust accordingly.

Polyamory is also commonly referred to as open relationships. On the most basic level, it’s when people feel they can’t restrict feeling attraction and connection to just one person. It’s not that they’re driven by simply the act of sex with other people, but want to enjoy the same love, support, and intimacy with multiple partners.

Bringing up polyamory always triggers mixed reactions. Depending on your age, belief system, how you were raised, current relationship status, and many other factors, you’re either eager to read on or questioning how on earth people navigate life like that.

Well, it’s not easy. But neither is staying in a committed monogamous relationship. The main difference is, instead of dealing with the emotions of one partner, you have to be aware of how you are affecting multiple people. When things are misinterpreted or miscommunicated in intimate relationships, it’s typical for people to get jealous or envious. Keep an open mind as we explore how jealousy and envy affect polyamorous relationships.

jealousy envy

 

Jealousy & Envy: What’s the Difference?

The main difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is when you want something that someone else has. You’re envious of how much attention your partner is giving someone else in a polyamorous relationship. You crave the time they’re spending with someone else or want to hoard or keep things you share between just the two of you.

With jealousy, there’s a fear of something being stolen or taken away from you. You guard things you care about closely to prevent them from slipping away. Jealousy in its worst form can turn nasty and even dangerous.

 

Navigating Envy in Polyamory

Envy strikes everyone in polyamorous relationships at some point. Both people new to polyamory and the seasoned pros struggle. Particularly for people who were in monogamous relationships opening up to polyamory, avoiding envy is a challenge.

Envy in open relationships is going to happen. The real issue is stopping it from damaging the relationships beyond repair.

One of the best things you can do to combat envy is to encourage frank and frequent communication. Partners who are afraid to express envious feelings can lose confidence in how other partners feel about them. Once they start questioning their footing in an open relationship, it can spell disaster for multiple people who care about them.

Remember, open relationships aren’t easy. Think about the times you’ve questioned your feelings and the feelings of your partner in past monogamous relationships. Now you’re dealing with a situation with much more fluidity and definitions that are new to most of society.

Keep an open mind, talk often, counsel with your therapist, and come to grips that envy will be there and that you can navigate it successfully.

jealousy envy

The Stain of Jealousy

Jealousy, not just for polyamorous relationships, can kill. When you or your partner is jealous, there’s resentment and a scarcity mentality that poisons the relationship between you and whoever else you’re in love with.

Jealous lovers are constantly comparing. They measure how much time you’re spending with other people in the relationship, how often you tell them you love them vs how frequently you say it to them. Who has a better sex life, and so on. It’s a constant practice of comparison that pits them against other people in the relationship.

Even in polyamorous relationships with clearly defined boundaries, feelings get hurt. Emotions change and so should your approach to how you deal with emotional reactions from your partners.

Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. Jealousy will threaten to destroy your relationship if left unchecked.

 

Keeping Jealousy in Check

The worst thing you can do in a polyamorous relationship is to let jealousy run wild. So many couples just “have” a jealous partner. They laugh about it and avoid the issue by covering it up with humor or avoidance.

Eventually, though, jealousy will build until it craters your relationship. If you truly care about your jealous partner, you need to fight jealousy head-on.

Overcoming jealousy does not mean accommodating their negative behavior. If you respond to jealousy over time spent together by spending more time and sacrificing time with other partners, all you’re doing is reinforcing that jealousy will get them what they want.

Discussing jealousy should be done openly with as many partners as it’s affecting! You should also include your therapist in these discussions to guide you away from hurt feelings and any resentment.

 

Keeping Your Management Skills Sharp in Polyamory

A lot of Americans find great fulfillment in open relationships. In fact, among younger generations, it seems that moving into polyamory is saving relationships that have been on the rocks previously.

Monogamy certainly isn’t for everyone, but neither is polyamory. If you’re curious, give it a try, but you should be honest with yourself if you recognize that it’s not for you.

Many people are attracted by the thought of the multiples of love by connecting intimately and sexually with more people. However, enter with caution because you’re also managing a web of interpersonal relationships each with individual needs.

The best way to nourish an open, loving relationship is through constant feedback, encouragement, and acts of love. Find out what your partners respond to and do what you can to love them how they need to be loved.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

 

You may be surprised to hear that more and more men are seeking help from sexual therapists. These days more men are seeking sex therapy than women at our practice. 

The availability of sex therapy and more open attitudes around talking about sex and getting help have made men more comfortable seeking therapy. That’s a great thing!

In talking to many of the men I come in contact with, a lot of them express similar feelings with regards to intimacy challenges with female partners. They want sex more, they want it longer, and they sometimes feel like their wives, girlfriends, or partners don’t care as much as they’d like.

In long-term relationships, it can almost feel like you’re playing roles. One of you is more sexual, one is better with the finances. You might be a kid person, while your partner is better with fixing the sink.

It’s easy to fall into defined roles in all aspects of life, even with sex. However, the great news is that things aren’t so set in stone, and you can work with your partner to make things better.

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

The Ebb and Flow of Sexual Passion

Understand that passion, and certainly, sexual passion rests on a spectrum at any given moment. Think about your sexual desire. Sometimes you’re burning hot with desire for your wife or partner, and sometimes you’re not so on fire.

Think about a time when you’ve been apart for a longer period. Have you ever traveled for work or been away for more than a week? How do you feel if your wife comes out of the bathroom at night dressed in sexy new lingerie or asks you to use a vibrator on her? Chances are that your sex drive and desire for your partner experience a significant spike.

The point is, sexual desire is impacted by so many factors, internal and external. The way you and your partner feel, what’s happened to you during the day, how you’ve been treating each other recently, the way you look, and so many other things influence both of your interest in sex.

 

Understanding Male and Female Sexual Perception

The frustration that a lot of men have is they feel their female partners are just not into it. There are certainly genetic differences in humans when it comes to sex drive. The variance, though, is probably not as large between men and women as so many people believe.

Most men and women are simply programmed a bit differently. We also project our impressions on our partners, which isn’t always helpful.

A lot of women, for instance, believe their partners are only interested in quickies. So many women tell me their male partners are all about the climax, and that everything else is simply a garnish to them.

That, though, is a huge oversimplification about men's’ sexual motives. Most men want, certainly with their partners, engaging and loving sex that’s fulfilling to everyone involved.

Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples

Women, on the other hand, tend to be much more cerebral when it comes to sex. They have to be emotionally engaged and clear of the distractions we carry throughout the day.

Most of the time, women carry a great deal of emotional strain, worried about work, children, the house, and a million other things.

Adding initiating sex at the end of the day to that list can be exhausting. Additionally, many women struggle with not knowing what kind of sex they want or like.

What ends up happening is a lot of “duty sex”, where the male partner initiates, women obliged to please their partner, and everyone is a 6/10 on the happy scale.

 

Stoking Your Partner’s Passion for Sex

Things don’t have to be this way! Many of the women and men I work with come to realize that sex can be fun and deeply fulfilling for both partners. All it takes is some legwork to understand your partner’s sexual cues and doing the work to get in the right headspace.

For men, and I hate to generalize but this typically rings true, some grabbing and kissing, and a hand on their penis is usually all it takes to set the mood.

Women, though, are not so easy. Here are some ways you can help your female partner feel more comfortable about sex and initiating the type of sex she wants.

 

  1. Don’t always bring up sex right before you want to have sex

Find a time to talk about how your sex life has been going and what you want out of it. Telling your partner you’d like to try anal sex as you’re lying naked in bed isn’t the best approach. A partner will feel more comfortable getting feedback and talking about what they’d like if they are sure that you’re paying attention and not discussing it to serve your interests.

 

  1. Make-out more with nothing else

You and your partner may have settled into a pattern when both of you (or one of you) equate physical touch with initiating sex. Engage in some kissing and cuddling more often. Small investments over time will help build up your intimacy when sex happens.

 

  1. Share physical touch that is focused on her. THEN ASK HER ABOUT IT!

Find time to focus physical touch on her without you orgasming or anything like that. Invest the time in making her feel good about sexual touch and build trust that you’re interested in pleasing her.

After your “touch” sessions, ask her about it! Find out what she liked and didn’t like and use that to inform your interactions going forward.

 

  1. Share sexual touch that ends in orgasms for no one

This is another thing you can do to help your wife or partner feel more comfortable with touch and feel aroused. It helps a lot of women to know that you enjoy touching, kissing, and feeling her as much as you like having an orgasm.

 

  1. Encourage her to talk about her orgasm the next day. Use encouragement!

Remember to follow up on the times when sex is fantastic. Always offer more positive feedback than you think is necessary.

 

  1. Ask about sex dates you can commit to just her, and some dates that are all about you

Many women flourish when boundaries and intent are clear. If you’re both going into a weekend or a night away at a hotel knowing that it’s all about her, then she’ll be more likely to open up. She’ll also have the time to mentally prepare for the intimacy. The better things are for her, the better they’ll be for you when it’s your turn.

Recognize when your partner’s not up for the whole show and only wants a preview. These steps help but there’s so much more you can do! Over time, it will build trust and give her the space to feel comfortable initiating sex.

 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist

Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist

 

Divorce is tough, there’s no getting around it. No matter how bad things get, and no matter how happy you might think you’ll be after it’s over, most people are woefully unprepared for the realities of divorced life.

It’s easy in the middle of screaming fights or after going months without sex to think about how great life will be once the divorce is final. We get seduced into dreaming about starting over in a new, perfect life.

What you don’t realize, though, is that when a marriage ends, a lot more goes out the door with it. Your life changes. Yes, you’re removing something that was potentially abusive and traumatic from your life, however, some positives get sacrificed on the altar of divorce every day.

Managing the disruptive ripples of divorce is one of the main reasons people need therapy during, and after, the process. Here are some of the ways a licensed therapist can help you deal with everything divorce entails.

 

Dealing with Social Rearrangement

Depending on how long you’ve been married, it’s hard to imagine what life will be like alone. A lot of times, we fall into this trap where we imagine our lives will revert to what it was like before we met our spouse.

We don’t account for how we’ve changed. Your priorities, career, age, and a whole bunch of other things are different. You might have kids, pets, and different friends.

divorce

Dealing with the social aspect of divorce can be trying, especially when we’re vulnerable and need to rely on friends. What happens when all of your friends are married couples that you met with your ex or soon to be ex-spouse?

You may go looking for a shoulder to cry on, only to discover that your “friend” has already chosen sides, and it’s not yours. You’re also going to have to manage your feelings when your friends want to maintain relationships with both of you even though you’re no longer together.

Losing friends is a part of divorce most people don’t think about.

 

What About All of the Logistics?

Therapists can be a “divorce coach” for all intents and purposes. Odds are, they’ve dealt with several divorcees in the past. They know what’s involved in the process.

A therapist can help you sift through the minutiae of divorce to help you make sure you’re not taken advantage of.

They’ll draw on other clients’ experiences to advise you on things you might be overlooking, like coming to an agreement over visitation rights, the right approach to dealing with in-laws after a divorce and splitting up your possessions.

Separating lives that have been intertwined for so long is extremely challenging. It’s also overwhelming. Dealing with the stress of divorce makes a lot of people want to throw up their hands and say, “Forget it!” over a lot of things that will matter to them down the road.

Divorce is one of the main causes of financial hardship. High legal costs, the long time it takes to unwind joint assets, having to sell your house quickly to settle your affairs, and other logistical decisions will have a huge impact on your life ahead.

Having a therapist who you can trust who’s dealt with divorce in the past can be a guide you can lean on for advice when things get rough.

 

Helping You Keep Your Kids Centered

It’s bad enough to go through a divorce, but it can be even worse when kids are involved. When you love your children so much, it’s hard to imagine not being able to see them every day or have total control over how they’re raised.

Children that go through a divorce all experience trauma to some extent. The separation of a family unit, no matter how amicable, is never the same.

divorce

Children also aren’t always the most understanding. They may not recognize that you need or needed a divorce to protect yourself and live happily. They may resent you for your decisions.

A therapist will help you work through a divorce and mitigate risks to your children and the relationships you have with them. It will keep you focused on considering their well-being even when they seem to be doing alright.

 

Therapists Can Help You Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes

In most divorces, couples share the blame. Yes, there are situations where a spouse is abusive or manipulative, and those certainly should end in divorce. Most, though, happens when a couple is no longer able to overcome resentment. Heels are dug in too deep and no one’s willing to give anymore.

What many people don’t realize, is that they assign the reason for their divorce to the individual to whom they were married. It was a difference of personality or you fell out of love.

So many things, though, drive us toward divorce. Whether it’s childhood trauma, failure to deal with our parents’ divorce, depression, shame, or some other issue, there are personal influences in all of us that contribute to divorce.

Therapists work with clients to identify obstacles to connection and any destructive patterns we repeat. Too many of my clients have felt like they just met the wrong person, and that they’ll get it right the next time around. Their ex was just a bad apple and they didn’t see it early enough.

Unfortunately, success rates for second and third marriages aren’t any better. They’re even worse. According to Psychology Today, second marriages end in divorce 67% of the time, and 73% of third marriages end in a split.

Perhaps, after one divorce, we’ve normalized separating a bit, so the idea of leaving is less taboo the second or third time around.

Working with a therapist can help you get to the root of issues holding you back from making a real connection and building loving relationships in the future. With hard work, you can break the pattern of mistrust, insecurity, shame, or whatever else is standing in your way.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.