Open Relationships

Open Relationship - Get Ready, Get Set, Go For It!

 Open Relationship - Get Ready, Get Set, Go For It!

 

I’m excited to announce that I did an interview last Monday with The New York Times on open relationship trends! (I will post the article once it is published.)

I am beyond excited to be one of the millennial pioneers revolutionizing how we embrace all types of sexual and romantic relationships! 

As many of you may know from my article on polyamory, times are changing and monogamy is not the only style of relationship that couples are considering. 

According to a study in 2017, it is estimated that about one in five people have been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point in their life. That is over 20% of Americans! 

With our changing times, I expect that number to keep rising. 

Open RelationshipSCORE CARD. We are only using A’s for results! 

  • If you scored 0 A’s - Go out and find a willing partner! Maybe your partner isn’t ready, then you have a choice to make on whether or not you wait for them to get ready or not. 
  • If you scored 1 - 3 A’s - a few tweaks is all you need. You may not realize it, but you may have a compulsive avoidance, anxious attachment, or you may be wanting to use an open relationship as a way to get “high” to take away the pain of something else. 
  • If you scored 4 or more on the left side A column, I do NOT suggest you go into an open relationship at this time. These statements can OFTEN be signs that you are not emotionally intelligent enough to understand your own needs. You may not know how to do your own inner work yet. You may get incredibly confused, because you are projecting fantasies onto others.

Common Pitfalls in Open Relationships

  • Lack of Honesty and Trust Issues
  • Inability to See One’s Addiction / Trauma 
  • Self-Centeredness
  • Communication Issues
  • Jealousy, Envy, and Insecurity
  • Family Conflicts (who do you do holidays with?)
  • Overcoming Social Norms (what happens when you only get a plus 1 to the wedding?)
  • Limitation of Partners (you can’t find anyone and your partner already has someone)
  • And More! 

Healthy relationships take TWO or MORE people who have integrity, honesty, creativity, willingness to be vulnerable, and ability to engage in their own Inner Growth and Non-Defensiveness. Sometimes a Sex Coach is needed to understand these changes and address them in the right direction.

Before you transition from monogamy to polyamory in a current partnership, make sure you understand the story each of you will have about a shared meaning when it comes to sex and love with other people. 

Sometimes we project shame from our sexual past into our sexual future with our monogamous partners. For example, you may become annoyed that your partner is frequently insecure about their body (their penis is too small or their vulva is ugly). This is usually an indicator that you have some blind spots to work on prior to adding another person to your sexual and loving relationship. 

You cannot directly fix your partner’s insecurity.

You can only change the system of how you respond to the stimulus of your “partner’s insecurity.” 

So if you are capable of fixing your own issues within your partner’s problems, then you may be ready for an open relationship!  

Below are strategic considerations for those participating in an open relationship: 

Open Relationships

Time is a Limited Resource

Love is not limited. Time is though. No matter what, every single one of us only has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

In practice, your time allocation could be that you make four hours for each partner per week without phones. You could also attend an event with one partner one week, and then another event with another partner the week after. 

Sexual Education 

You have to understand safe sex due to the sexual-health considerations of open relationships. 

You are ready for an open relationship from a sexual education standpoint if you have:

  • The ability to fully discuss sexually transmitted infection status (for example: herpes type 1 vs type 2, hpv, PReP status)
  • Prepared to discuss in detail the act of Fluid Bonding (defined as a safer-sex strategy in which committed partners agree to have unprotected sex only with one another and to use barriers and/or stick to low-risk sexual behaviors with all of their other partners). 
  • The grace of how to discuss what is sexually sacred, and what are the sexual boundaries with both your new partner and your metamour (your partner’s partner). Because NOTHING is private anymore when you are polyamorous. You are part of one big happy family! 
  • Understanding of the term "New Relationship Energy (NRE)”.It is the intense feelings that may accompany the “honeymoon” phase of a new connection. This is sometimes also called “limerence.” You must check yourself while falling in love with the new person and remind yourself “this is not real, these are hormones.” Phenylethylamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin are the same hormones that you also find in serial monogamists or those practicing tantra. 

Communication Strategies

  1. Right Timing 

Implement email instead of texting when it comes to communicating important topics. It is too much to receive alarming text messages in the middle of a thread of memes. Here is an example email:

Open RelationshipsThe goal is that you learn how to ask consent while stating your needs. 

Once you get to that conversation, set a timer for 30 minutes! Make sure to disengage electronics! Do not discuss it ahead of time. Show them that you can practice patience. 

If you cannot wait 5-7 days to discuss your needs, you are not ready to be in an open relationship. In the variety of open relationships that I have tried, I find that it is mostly about waiting for someone. I had to remain centered while listening to things that I didn’t want to hear without getting triggered or responding. Then, I had to reflect back what I thought I heard to the best of my ability. If I was told “that wasn’t it” then I had to start over.

It takes a ton of patience and willingness to communicate effectively. 

2. Use A Compassionate Tone

Watch your tone intention in the beginning of all emails. “I mean this with loving eyes” or “I know you are improving and I still have another request based on my need to connect.” 

Notice the difference between “you let me down and broke a promise again” and “a part of me is hurt and feels let down by you breaking our commitment.” 

3. Observation Without Attitude

Example: saying “I noticed you left the plate in the sink. Did that mean anything to you?” sounds different than “it is so annoying when you leave your plate in the sink.”

A good way to practice polyamory is to ensure that EVERYONE in the partnership / poly family is mindful of the needs that polyamory is satisfying in each of their own lives. 

For example, we all have a need for connection. You can meet that need through monogamy or polyamory. Understanding how polyamory fulfills your needs in addition to connection (certainty, uncertainty, significance, growth, and contribution) is critical. 

Understanding your needs is critical to discussing conversations around relationship orientation (polyamory, swinging) and/or sexuality. 

4. Willingness To Be Flexible And Collaborative!

Start asking your partner once a week what you can do to meet THEIR needs better and address the feedback in the upcoming week. 

If you aren’t willing to extend yourself for just one partner now, you will not be able to manage polyamory dating, let alone a polyamorous community. 

Open relationships are for those who are interested in living life a bit differently. You will constantly be faced with multiple opportunities to meet the needs of partners, so make sure your time management is on point! 

So if you are interested in getting help before you begin your open relationship journey, text us at 203-733-9600. 

If you know someone who would benefit from this knowledge, feel free to end the stigma around open relationships and send them a link to my YouTube channel - The Sex Healer

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


The Pleasure Practice Amanda Pasciucco

eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips

eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips

Amanda Pasciucco, The Sex Healer, and founder of Life Coaching and Therapy, in West Hartford, CT brings you free eguides on relationship and sex tips.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Amanda has more than 15,000 client hours of experience. She has helped hundreds of distant couples reignite their erotic spark after only a few sessions.

Additionally, Amanda is a national educator, speaker and is featured in CNN, Playboy, Men’s Health, Maxim, Daily Mail and more!

She has helped transform the intimate lives of those struggling with infertility, sexless relationships, low-desire, arousal, orgasm, and penetration problems.

Amanda shares her best, most effective techniques, practices and beliefs.

Are you ready to download, read and practice these tips at home?

It is time to improve your intimate life!

 

Free eguide on Relationship and Sex tips

Click to Download: The Pleasure Practice – A Guide to Unleashing Self Pleasure to Heal Yourself and Transform Your Sex Life

 

If you know someone that would benefit from free eguides on relationship and sex tips, please share this information with them!

 

Check out Amanda’s Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

 

Learn more about Life Coaching and Therapy. 

 

Amanda Pasciucco

 

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Bondage Sex

Bondage Sex

Bondage Sex

 

Are you confused about why people like to participate in bondage sex?  

Do you want to understand why you crave it? 

I’ve spoken with hundreds of bondage enthusiasts and I’m here to help you understand what I’ve learned from them about why they love bondage and the feeling of being contained. 

Let’s start with a working definition of bondage, and limit the scope just a bit.  

 

What is Bondage Sex?

Bondage sex can be practiced alone or as partners and it’s focused on limiting our physical movement or senses in a way that we desire or that stimulates or arouses us.

To say that bondage isn’t well understood clinically, is an understatement. 

There are so many different motivations, which are usually complex.  

As with anything within the context of being an emotional human, it just isn’t as simple as we wish it was.

 

Is Bondage Sex a Fetish?

Yes and no.

For some people, bondage is a fetish need.  There are people that cannot have successful sex without bondage, and for these people bondage is not merely a preference.  

The reasons for sexual fetishes are deep and are beyond the scope of our conversation here. They are a very small minority even among bondage enthusiasts, and some of them are very nice people.  This is not at all the same thing as the dark psycho bad guys that we often see doing bondage in thriller films. 

Bondage isn’t really something to be afraid of, but all kinky sexual practices should be treated mindfully with people that you trust.

For the great majority of bondage enthusiasts, bondage is something that turns them on or is meaningful to them in some ways. It isn’t a fetish need. 

Kierkegaard believed that freedom and dread are forever linked and psychological research has proven this.  A great oversimplification of this link is that freedom leads to responsibility and responsibility leads to anxiety about all sorts of things!  

Most people that I have talked to that enjoy being bound cite this as the most common reason for bondage. They “feel” free when their choices are taken away.  

What delicious irony!  

Bondage Sex

 

For these people the  release of responsibility allows them to just be in the moment and enjoy whatever is happening.  They will often refer to this as “flying” even if they aren’t suspended.  

This experience can even lead to trance like states of ecstasy and bliss even without penetrative sex or direct sexual stimulation.

Below are some primary motivations, and usually there is more than just one motivation: 

 

Thrill Seekers

Almost the opposite of those needing to remove their choices are the thrill seeker types.  

These people are stimulated by the danger, risk and adrenaline of the experiences.  This type of bondage high is very primal. Surviving near death experiences often leaves the body very aroused! 

These people often like a little fear with their bondage and can combine breath restriction, role playing and pure athleticism into an erotic circus of bondage experience.  

Just a word of caution…this can be very dangerous and injuries are common even among the most experienced of this type of bondage player.  

Seek out experienced people, and learn as much as you can before you jump into this type of bondage.

 

Sensualists

Swinging way back in the other direction are the sensualists.

For them bondage is almost a meditative experience or a spa day.  They put on music, and light incense, open their senses completely and just let go.  

For them, the sensations of bondage are about the way that it makes their body feel.  

They commonly prefer being bound where they can lay down and drift away.  

The materials can be silk scarves or soft ropes or even bolts of cloth and ribbons.  

They often prefer lots of surface area of their body be covered in a cocoon-like experience.

 

Long-Term Bondage Fans

There are also the long-term bondage fans.

They get to take the whole day off.  These people like cages or small spaces where they have some freedom of movement, but they aren’t allowed to leave.  

They fantasize about being chained to a radiator in a basement or handcuffed to a bed, and that brings us to the fantasy players.

 

Fantasy Players

Fantasy players often have a particular role play that they are obsessed with.  They dream about being abducted and kidnapped. They can act out elaborate multiplayer fantasies with duct tape and fiendish predicaments.  This type of bondage play is not about quality of the bondage itself, it's about the fantasy that it inspires.

Next are the psychological or emotional players.  For these people bondage is about exploring taboos, shame, humiliation and intimacy.  They wish to be bound and exhibited like an object or perhaps made fun of or ridiculed.  This may allow them to externalize their inner fears in a safe space. This can be quite complex, and shouldn’t be done without a lot of trust and communication.

 

Masochistic Thrills

This last category is for people that do bondage for submission and masochistic thrills.  

For these people bondage is a part of a broader dynamic where they gain pleasure by submitting to the will and desires of someone else.  Bondage is a symbolic or physical way of enforcing that.  

The emphasis here is on the subject who is helpless to resist as they experience pleasure or pain. This can last as long as the Dominant or sadist wishes to pleasure, torment, expose or use them.

These broad categories really just scratch the surface and you can probably see how they can blend into each other pretty easily.  

The possible motivations for bondage are really endless.  

I hope that this post was able to help you understand why people like bondage sex.  

You can try to use these categories to discuss your bondage fantasies with your partner.

If you want more information similar to this, check my Youtube channel, The Sex Healer, and sign up for our weekly posts.

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


Sex and Submission

Sex and Submission

Sex and Submission

Do you like to combine sex and submissionYou’re not the only one! Sex and submission is a perfectly normal fantasy.

There are many reasons we crave sexual submission

Submission is an act of trust. It is turning over your body and your well-being into another’s care.

Sexual submission can be thrilling and empowering.

When we are talking about kinky sex, being submissive is an honored role. 

Submission during sex means trusting another enough to temporarily relinquish control and be guided on a journey. 

To get started in the games of domination and submission it is best to do it with your partner or with someone  you have total confidence in and trust. e Be very clear that it is only a game. 

 

 

Are You Willing to Submit?

This is the first question you have to ask yourself if you want to experience the game of domination. 

If your erotic fantasy is to have your partner dominate you and make love to you by force, I encourage you to put it into practice. 

And, why not? Maybe your partner likes to be submissive too!

You just have to ask! Communicate! 

 

Pleasure or Pain?

The games of domination and submission are usually related to bondage, ties and spanking, and the roles of master and slave. Use your creativity!

The only rule is to do it with respect and self-control. You don’t really want to be hurt and you don’t want to hurt your partner. .

 

 

Control Your Role

When you are in the game of sex and submission, sometimes you will have to play the role as the dominant and other times as the submissive partner. 

Sex and Submission

In both roles you have to feel comfortable and know what limits are in advance.

If you are exercising as a mistress, make sure your partner is doing well and enjoying the game. 

When it is the other way around, stop and speak clearly if you do not like something or feel that your partner is overreacting. 

But, above all, get into the role and have fun. 

Pretending to be someone else can help you feel much sexier and uninhibited.

 

 

Only in the Bedroom

Domination or submission games could get you hooked so much that you end up getting too much into your role even out of bed. 

The game can take place during a dinner, in an exchange of messages, or even in the gym! 

As soon as someone says stop, you immediately stop and get out of sex and submission.

CONSENT is key! Everyone has to be engaged and interested. 

My motto is a DEEP YES is consent. I don’t want anything other than a HELL YES to a moment…including sex and submission!

Sex and Submission

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimiate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

When you have a minute, check out amazing video tips on sex and relationships from LCAT founder, Amanda Pasciucco, The Sex Healer.

 


Why Do Couples Cheat?

Why Do Couples Cheat? 

Why Do Couples Cheat? 

Why do couples cheat? 

Or better...

Why don’t couples just break up instead of cheating?

During my years as a therapist, I’ve come across many situations where couples were on the brink of divorce, and infidelity was the main cause.

Here are the two main reasons why couples cheat based on my ten years of therapy experience:

#1 Reason: Unfulfilled Sexual Needs

Even if a relationship is stable and there’s an emotional connection between a couple, one partner -the cheater-, may feel their sexual needs are not being met

Maybe their partner hasn’t wanted to get intimate with them. Maybe their partner hasn’t wanted to get intimate in a way that satisfies them. Or their partner is long distance.

Why Do Couples Cheat?

When the cheater meets someone outside the relationship who they click with emotionally and physically, they come to a conflict. 

They are in this committed relationship with someone who loves them or who they have been secured with long-term, yet they also have interest in this other person that fulfills them sexually. 

Another sexual need could be a desire to have multiple sexual partners or to engage in new sexual experiences, but they are afraid of expressing this to their partner.

They feel that not being sexually satisfied by their partner is not a good enough reason to end the relationship, or bring up issues when things are “good” between them.

They think it’s not right, because they morally believe that having love SHOULD be enough for a relationship. Thus, the cheater feels the need to maintain their committed relationship while having an affair. 

Having an affair is not an act of love to your partner. 

Believe me when I say it’s in your right to express your sexual needs to your partner.

Sex may be important to you, and that’s can be a good reason to leave your relationship and go elsewhere if your partner isn’t willing to work with you on the issue. 

It’s not right to lie to your partner and seek sexual needs behind their back.

Why aren’t affairs “okay?” Because… consent IS key.

If you are having an affair… you are not getting your partner’s consent. 

You are omitting the truths of your actions and not allowing your spouse to consent.

 

#2 Reason: Unfulfilled Emotional Needs

 

These cheaters feel they lack love, intimacy, and attention from their partners. 

There’s an emotional disconnect that has developed. the cause for the disconnect could be many reasons such as: not feeling like they can talk to their partner, not feeling appreciated by their partner, or not excited by their partner anymore. 

They seek emotional validation and nurturing elsewhere. 

 

Why Do Couples Cheat?

 

So, now you ask, why don’t they just leave?

It could be that they’ve been together for so long, that it takes too much emotional effort to have the conversation to end it. They don’t want to go through the pain or guilt of breaking hearts. 

They stay in the relationship until the other feels like breaking it apart first. 

The relationship wasn’t a priority for them, so they feel no need to maintain it. 

They don’t consider their partner’s feelings when they don’t want to go through the trouble of breaking hearts. In fact, this is not considering them at all. 

It’s lazy behavior and the cheater’s partner deserves better.

What’s my answer to this?

Say it with me, communication!

Express your discontent and work through it. 

How? 

Identify what your partner NEEDS. 

Ask them questions. 

When they answer, ask them what it would look like if you were both getting your needs met. 

What would each of you being doing differently? How would you spend your time? 

If you can’t get your needs met alone, my favorite strategy of all is to bring your partner to therapy! 

This will help you assess how to clearly get your needs met or how to respectfully end the relationship in conscious uncoupling. 

Can you think of any other reasons that someone may want to seek a physical relationship elsewhere?

Tell me in the comments below!

If you want to learn more about how to face infidelity and or tantra techniques to enhance intimacy, please reach out to us at LCAT.

 

Amanda Pasciucco

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


Tips for Couples Having Sex

Tips for Couples Having Sex

Here I provide you with my best tips for couples having sex! 

Long-term couples are different than those who are newly together.

So here are my favorite techniques for couples who have been having sex for years.

 

Tip 1 : Break Routine

Just because you want to change up your sexy time habits doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the sex — or the relationship. It just may be time for something different or new.

There are more than 100 sex positions you can try. 

Each of you can plan a fantasy for the upcoming month. 

Pick a date night, or day once a week, and each of you should set the date time for the other. Don’t forget to communicate and gain consent.

 

Tip 2: Be Creative! 

When it comes to tips for couples having sex, being creative and spontaneous is a MUST!

Do you decorate your home for the holidays, or dress up for sporting events? 

Why don't you take time to dress up the bedroom too?

Have pictures of family in your bedroom? Turn those around.

Have you heard of role play? (include a link to some role play sites?)

If you are anxious about how you might look in certain positions or afraid to be as dirty as you actually want to be, role playing is a great way to give yourself the freedom to be whoever you want to be. 

Role playing is all about fantasy. Why not discuss it with your partner? 

If you both have talked about it and you're ready to try it, let me give you a few ideas:

  1. Meet For the First Time

One of the more fun ways to try role playing is to not only get out of your bedroom, but to get out of your house!

Dress differently then you usually do. Come up with a new profession, or a separate identity!

Go through the process of meeting each other for the first time. Flirt, make jokes, and ask about one another’s history.

And if you want, bring it home to have sex!

  1. Professor and Student

More likely than not, you've had a crush on a teacher or professor  at some point. This is kind of like a power play fantasy, and many couples find this one easy!

  1. The Stripper

The role playing fantasy involving a stripper might really turn you on. 

Even if your leading partner isn’t quite the dancer, it doesn’t matter. It is about trying something new.

  1. Person in Uniform or Costume 

It might seem a little silly, but this kind of role playing is a classic. 

Why? It is simple, it gets things moving and hey, it probably means having sex somewhere different in your home!

I don’t think this image should go with the uniform tip - maybe tip #1?  A classy stripper image might be nice for that tip.

Tips for Couples Having Sex

Tip 3: Don't Rush Experiences

This tip for couples having sex can be the most important! Don't rush experience!

In many relationships, one partner has more sexual experience than the other and that can intimidate the other partner! It’s totally normal.

You don’t need to know the Kama Sutra or be an expert in oral. No one is born knowing everything about sex, and anything can be learned. It’s a game! 

The important thing is that you know how to say "no" when a situation overcomes you and you begin to feel uncomfortable. 

If something may be common for your partner, but not for you, do not force yourself to do it, if you don’t want to!

Talk about it instead. Fantasize about it first and see if it works for you before trying it in person. 

Tip 4: Focus on How Your Partner Makes You Feel

Don’t worry about how your partner perceives you or your performance. Thinking about yourself and what parts may or may not please your partner puts your partner out of focus. 

If you’re so nervous about yourself, how are you going to be attentive to their gestures and needs? 

When approaching sex, think about how much you like them and what part of them arouse you. 

Focus on things like their hair, their lips, the neck. Build sensuality instead of sexuality. 

Tip 5: Ask For What You Really Want

A common mistake is to wait for your partner to do something without ever telling him/her/them what you desire. 

Your partner is not a mindreader! No matter how much time you have spent together, or how well you think you know each other. If you really want something, express it verbally! 

If you want more tips for couples having sex, contact us! We can help!

Amanda Pasciucco 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

How to Get Over Male Sexual Performance Anxiety

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Dating Coaching

Five Love Making Tips

Five Love Making Tips

 

Ready for some of the best love making tips around? 

 

Although there is no magic recipe for sex and no perfect sex guide to follow, we are always curious about how to make things better.

 

When you aren’t satisfied with the sex you are having or you feel that the flame slowly dying, it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with you or the relationship. 

 

When you aren’t satisfied with the sex you are having or you feel the flame slowly dying, don’t worry. 

 

It does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with you or the relationship. 

 

We often need love making tips, because couples run out of ideas, energy and time or spontaneity and adventure.  

 

It is time to do some experimenting!

 

Below are My Top Five Love Making Tips for All Adults!

 

Tip One: Know that you deserve to have your sexual desires fulfilled

 

Society’s message is that sex is shameful, not acceptable, or that it is for practical purposes - like procreation - having children! 

 

If you feel ashamed about your sexual desires, it is hard to be honest with your partner about it.

 

Remind yourself that you are allowed to experience and enjoy pleasure. 

 

You were born a sexual being and you have a right to feel confident about expressing that sexuality. You have a sexual power that attracts others. Own it!

 

Tip Two: Have confidence in your body

 

You have the potential to be your worst critic or your greatest supporter. 

 

In order to really accept that you are worthy of appreciation and love, you need to be body positive! 

 

If someone tells you that they love your legs or your lips, do you believe them? 

 

The goal is to feel comfortable when looking at your body, not necessarily liking every single part.

 

Give yourself body affirmations often. 

 

Compliment yourself as you walk past a mirror.

 

Pamper yourself. 

 

Choose a part of you that you like and repeat a positive affirmation about it. 

 

Avoid talking negatively about yourself in front of other people. 

 

Accept other people’s compliments. 

 

Would you throw away someone’s gift in front of them? Probably not. 

 

You say thank you. 

 

making love tips

Tip Three: Know that building intimacy doesn’t require an orgasm

Does every SUCCESSFUL sexual encounter have to end with an orgasm? 

 

No! Don’t think you are less if you don’t help your partner to achieve an orgasm. 

 

Each individual’s orgasm is their own privilege to have. 

 

That’s right, it is not your responsibility to give your partner an orgasm.

 

Orgasms happen when conditions are right, and your partner has to tell you those conditions in order for you to fulfill it.

 

An orgasm doesn’t need to be the only goal. Intimacy is an excellent goal. You can build intimacy in manyways such as taking baths with one another, foot massages, having meaningful conversations, tantra positions, and eye gazing.

 

TIP Four: Don’t compare yourself

 

Comparing ourselves with other people is inevitable. We all do it, but it makes things worse.

 

People do it with material possessions and even with our sexuality. 

 

We compare our bodies with bodies we see on the screen.

 

We compare the size, we compare our sexual performance, we even compare how we enjoy sex.

 

Don't do it! It is one of the most harmful things we can do to ourselves.

 

Tip Five: Nervousness inhibits arousal

 

So, sexual anxiety can lead to not getting it up or keeping it up, or not being wet or having genital pain, but how? 

 

Well you have your parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems, which work opposite from each other in your body. 

 

When you’re experiencing emotions like fear, anxiety, or shame, your brain tells your body to release the adrenaline hormone. 

 

This causes blood to flow AWAY from the genitals and, thus, no arousal. 

 

However, when you’re relaxed and sexually aroused, your parasympathetic system kicks in to bring blood to the genitals, which enables lubrication and erection. 

 

If sexual anxiety is a problem, work with your physiology in order to overcome this.

 

If you want more tips on how to improve your sex life and have the best experience, contact us! We can help! 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, ormake an appointment.

 

A relationship and sex therapy program that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach.

 


PORNOSEXUAL

Is Porn Cheating?

Is Porn Cheating?

 

Ask yourself this question: Is porn cheating? This is one of the most common questions I hear as a certified sex therapist. 

 

The answer is - it depends! 

To me…lying is cheating. An omission of truth is a lie. So, for me personally and professionally, porn is cheating if it is something that is being hidden in the couple. 

 

When it comes to protecting your relationship against infidelity, communication is key. 

 

You need to have conversations about what it means to cheat with your partner. 

 

Be prepared to ask:  

  • Is talking to an ex cheating? 
  • Is visiting a strip club or dancing with someone else cheating? 
  • Is sexting someone else cheating? 

 

In my experience, and in many of my clients experiences, when conversations are NOT had and truth is withheld…it becomes sneaky and thus becomes lying.

 

If watching porn isn’t a big deal to you, but it is to your partner, consider his/her boundary before continuing the relationship. 

 

You may think it is just a little secret to watch porn. Something for YOU! 

 

I agree. AND, I also know that what my partner defines as cheating is important to me.

 

If you are open about it with your partner and you can discuss it - that’s not cheating. 

 

That’s called effective communication. YAY! 

 

Pornography is a means to get into an altered state of reality. It is a product created to entertain us, and I believe it should be treated as such. 

 

Some couples do not consider watching porn cheating and they actually encourage their partner to use porn to get new ideas to bring into the bedroom. 

Is Porn Cheating?

However, there is a limit like everything in life. 

 

When the hobby becomes something else and it changes your reality. Do you find yourself using porn and not leaning into your sexual relationship with your partner? 

 

For some, this is an issue, and for others, it really is not! 

 

Using porn to replace sex in real life is like using a drug for some people, because it reduces their desire to be intimate or have any deep personal connection.. 

 

If pornography is used long enough (YES - I have seen this happen numerous times), it may become the only way a person can get aroused and have an orgasm to meet their sexual need.

 

When this happens, we can say that person has gradually become a pornosexual.

 

What is a Pornosexual?

 

This is a relatively new term. It refers to people who tend to love watching porn more than having sex with someone in person. 

 

Basically, being pornosexual means finding more pleasure when it comes to watching porn and intimacy alone than with partnered sex and touch. 

 

I have seen this type of behavior cause problems with intimacy, and in turn can cause problems in a marriage.

 

Pornosexuals experience all of their sexual pleasure in isolation instead of shared. Sometimes, I have heard clients who identify as pornosexuals also say they have a fear of intimacy.

 

Since they can get sexual pleasure online, without the effort of intimacy or connection, they are fulfilled. 

 

If a pornosexual starts dating someone who wants an in-person sexual relationship, and omits his/her porn behavior, then porn again can become cheating. 

 

So…is porn cheating?

 

Watching porn can be great and even fun if you view it as a movie, and if everyone in the relationship is okay with it. 

 

However, if you notice your partner sneaking around to view porn, it would be good to discuss “is porn cheating?” instead of accusing  him/herof cheating. 

Remember that communication in the relationship is the most important thing, and don't be afraid to ask for professional help if you think it is necessary.

A certified sex therapist can help you overcome unhealthy behaviors and improve your quality of life starting TODAY! You don’t have to fear infidelity in the form of porn anymore! 

Amanda PasciuccoOur team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


BDSM for Beginners

BDSM for Beginners

BDSM for Beginners

Most people have a taboo kink or two, but have no idea how to bring those fantasies into reality, which is why this post is about BDSM for beginners.

Sex starts between your ears in your largest and most important sex organ - your brain!

You should understand BDSM before you start. First of all BDSM stands for Bondage & Disciple, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Kinky sex can be defined many different ways, but for most experienced adults, we are usually talking about something that is either taboo in your culture, peer group or family, or is fetishistic. Sometimes it's both!

So an excellent place to start is to ask yourself the question.

What exactly do I want?

 

BDSM for Beginners - Cheat Code One!

 

If you have no idea, your first cheat code is to think about the things that you fantasize about when you masturbate.

If you think about the same specific thing every time, you have a fetish or a paraphilia! Feet, hair, shoes, lactation, blood, bondage, incest are all common examples of this type of kink, but it really can be anything.

And fetishes are so weird that it’s weird if they aren’t weird, so don’t fall into the “shame trap” if you have a fetish. Somewhere in the world, there is someone that shares your fetish and there is probably porn about it.

If you find that your kinky fantasies are less specific and more along the lines of “something naughty with someone hot” than you are more likely looking for taboo sex or experimental sex.

This is less about a specific “object” and more about a general dynamic or curiosity. Some common general dynamics are power exchange scenarios, kidnapping fantasies, School teacher fantasies, Pirate fantasies, Cowboys, firemen, damsels in distress, threesomes, body fluids, anything that you think is hot because you aren’t supposed to is taboo.

It all sounds interesting to you and you are super curious to try all the things out!
You are motivated by adventure and may also be adrenaline junkies in other areas of life.

Ask yourself what your fantasies are, then try to sort whether you are looking for a specific fetish, or if you are seeking a particular dynamic for naughty “Taboo Sex” or if you are just seeking experiments for novelties sake.

 

BDSM for Beginners

BDSM for Beginners - Cheat Code Two!

Identify your most likely source!

 

Be careful not to remove others humanity in this step! People are more likely to get kinky with you, if you treat them like humans not objects.

Are you currently in a committed relationship? If so, then prudent honesty is your best bet. Easy peasy!

Be aware that sexual revulsion is real and it isn’t a bad idea to test your partner for revulsion before you attach any expectation toward a specific kink from them.

And I don’t mean just stick your finger in their ass and see if they kick you for it… I mean something more like observe them carefully when something that you find hot comes up naturally.

For instance, if you are into feet, find out if they get pedicures, if they do, they don’t freak out when someone touches their feet, so you have a pretty good idea that they aren’t automatically revulsed.

Mentally review their life story and sexual history for areas of sensitivity.

Give them an opportunity to talk about it without suggesting that you have a detention fantasy.

How did they feel about the Pirates of the Caribbean movies?
Or Grey’s Anatomy?
Or Game of Thrones?
Or Fifty Shades?
Bear in mind that you may find new incompatibilities this way and that is depressing and will sometimes force a decision.

If you are not in a relationship, Google is your friend!
There are special interest groups all over the country for all manner of kinks and many of them even have a national level convention.

 

There is a Con for EVERYTHING (almost)!

 

My advice is to go to them for education first and find out what the norms and protocols around your particular kink is before you just dive in with a stranger.

Sites like Fetlife can be very helpful with this.

Also, be aware that friends with common interests are a great thing, even it it doesn’t end in a mutually satisfying outcome, so don’t be afraid to mingle!

Now that you have identified your most likely source, COMMUNICATE!

 

Communication

 

Prudence is your friend, but shame is your enemy.

If you already know what your kinky sex wish is, STOP and say it out loud!

ACTUALLY PAUSE! And voice it to the screen.

If you did it, AWESOME!

Now you just gotta tell the person that really matters: your partner or potential partners!

 

After you have decided that, tell them what you want!
HERE IS THE BEST CHEAT CODE EVER for BDSM for Beginners!

 

Work from general to specific, listen as much as you talk, and be willing to barter! Here is a simple sample to help, feel free to use it as a template.

(indicate that you are interested in them in a sexually exploratory way, yet don’t offer full vulnerability right from the beginning. Give them a chance to buy in and meet you halfway)

-I have been having a little fantasy lately...

-Oh really?

-Yes, It kinda feels like maybe I’m picking up on a vibe between us and I wonder if you feel something similar.

(If they are encouraging ask for a buy in)

-I’ll tell you, but you have to tell me your fantasy first…

(LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THEM WHEN THEY TELL AND HONESTLY CONSIDER. Then, you can tell them your fantasy).

Don’t give them feedback on their fantasy until you tell them yours and you both have skin in the game.

Pick a follow up plan and get them to agree to it.

Now you have a roadmap to follow!

I just have one closing thought to share before I let you go manifest your sexy dreams…

A note on fantasies.

Some fantasies can’t be ethically practiced in the real world and must be left to fantasy. This is particularly true of a lot of taboo fantasies. In these cases, role playing can be your friend!

Take some time in the shared fantasy stage with your partner before you try to make it a reality.

Enjoy the journey!

If you want to learn more about BDSM and Kink, please comment below!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


Cowgirl sex position

Cowgirl Sex Position

COWGIRL SEX POSITION

 

The Cowgirl sex position is pretty simple, yet incredibly vulnerable. 

 

“What’s your favorite position?”

“Doggie Style.”

“Eh… what about girl on top?” 

“The Cowgirl Sex Position?”

“Yeah! That’s my ABSOLUTE favorite!” 

 

It’s about the woman taking control of the speed, depth, and angle of penetration, which enables her to own her pleasure. 

 

The cowgirl sex position can be an incredibly intimate position, which allows for eye contact between partners if they choose. 

 

It doesn’t matter if you are having sex with another woman, man, or a person who identifies as a different gender. After all, whoever you are having sex with will get an unobstructed view of the woman riding during the cowgirl sex position. 

 

With the receiving partner on his (or her or their) back, the woman sits on top of the partner’s pelvis, resting her knees on the surface of the bed, and arranging her thighs on the hips of her partner.

cowgirl sex position
Illustration from Badgirlsbible

 

The woman on top will have her hands free to use in many pleasurable ways! HOW? 

 

Well, to self-stimulate the external clitoris, breasts, or use a sex toy if needed.

 

 

A woman can also grab her partner behind neck to kiss that partner while doing some penetration movements.

 

 

Here are Some Tips on the Cowgirl Sex Position for the Partner:

  • This position is often stated to be one of the preferred positions of women, so if you want a night of perfect sex, ask her if this is something she wants 
  • Grabbing, holding or squeezing her butt can be a key move. Also, incorporating some spanking will raise the excitement level..
  • If you have been given consent, and want to explore further, you can go underneath the buttocks, with lubricated fingers, and caress these areas.. Make sure not to mix fingers that go to the anus with those that go to the vagina.
  • Feel free to move your hand up towards her neck. Ask her what she thinks about this posture of just resting your hand around her throat lightly. Do not put pressure on the trachea (the middle of the neck), because with around 8 lbs of pressure, you can do a lot of damage. I was interviewed for an article on Erotic Choking in Playboy by Bridget Phetasy - read it to learn more.

 

Women, Keep in Mind:

  • Be sure you are fully lubricated before starting this position.
  • Never start too quickly, rough, or with too much deep. If you are a beginner in sex, this position is good as long as it is done slowly.  Doing it slowly and building up trust with your partner is the key to success. 
  • Combine your first movements with caresses or kisses. 
  • Plan to do self stimulating with your free hand.
  • The penetrative movements on top can be done in a few ways. The most common:
    • Thrusting from top to bottom. For beginners, move in a circular motion, opening your legs to achieve more penetration and ease for you.Feel free to do combined movements: some slower, some faster.If you want to contract the vagina naturally, lean back. The penis will touch the G-Spot area perfectly.  Never lean too far back, because you can cause a strong pain at the base of the man's penis or you can slide off of your partner’s genitals or strap on. 
  • This position is not only perfect in bed, it works great on the couch or the floor. If it is on the floor, please put something under your knees so you don’t hurt yourself. 
  • If you like anal sex, this position is ideal to continue to work on. This level of control is what makes it perfect for newcomers - no matter their gender - when it comes to anal pleasures.

.

How? Have your partner sit with his/her/their back against the headboard so you are both face to face with each other. Your partner can then lend some support by cupping your bottom in their hands as you grip the headboard.

The best thing my clients report to me about this position is that the woman has freedom and control of movement and action. 

 

Being a sex terapist, I have heard women state that having the ability to direct the speed and intensity of the sexual scene leads to more sexual satisfaction for them. 

 

What about for you? Do you have any reasons why the cowgirl sex position is your favorite? 

 

Or… are you scared to try it? 

 

Don’t worry. We can help! 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.