Sexless marriage

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage - and How to Fix It!

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage- and How to Fix It!

 

If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is easy to feel rejected, hopeless and a little embarrassed. A sexless marriage is more common than you may think, and is rarely a standalone issue.

A sexless marriage is usually a symptom of another issue you are having as a couple. The great news is that with the help of a therapist, these issues can be tackled and bring you closer together than before.

 

A Sexless Marriage vs A Dry Spell

All marriages will have “dry spells”- perhaps you have a busy month, someone is sick, or any other zillion things that can get in the way of some time between the sheets (or on the couch, or on the kitchen table, or in the car....). A sexless marriage is a chronic, prolonged amount of time that is abnormal for you as a couple and leaves both parties with unmet needs. Some experts say this means having sex less than 10 times per year, other experts are hesitant to put a number on it because needs and the definition of sex varies greatly from couple to couple.

sexless marriage

 

Reasons Why You’re in a Sexless Marriage

Again, it is worth working with a therapist to unpack any issues that are contributing to a sexless marriage, however the following reasons you may be in a sexless marriage can help get you and your partner reflecting on why- and how to begin fixing it:

 

  1. Lack of Communication

     

It always comes down to a lack of communication, doesn’t it?! While communication doesn’t seem sexy, a lack of it can really make for a sexless marriage! Not communicating when something is bothering you is a recipe for building resentment, which is very unsexy. While it may take some professional input to unpack resentments that have built over years or are even the result of a traumatic breach of trust such as infidelity, you can begin to cultivate the habit of communication. When something bugs you, or if you feel hurt or rejected, don’t hold it in but also try to avoid these crucial conversations if either of you are stressed, tired, angry or otherwise emotionally raw. Cool, calm and collected and willing to stop and listen to the other side is a great start!

 

  1. You don’t ever talk about sex

 

A sexless marriage can also be a symptom of shame and embarrassment around fantasies, perceived lack of knowledge or a lack of open communication (there it is again!) around desires you worry are taboo. Remember: no one is magically born with amazing sexual skills! Just like any other skill, it requires practice and feedback. If you’re in a sexless marriage because sex just isn’t satisfying or you have a desire you feel you can’t share with your partner out of fear, take the plunge and start talking about sex. It isn’t about laying out everything you don’t like about sex with your partner, it is about encouraging what works and discussing your needs, desires and boundaries!

 

  1. Performance Anxiety

 

“If I don’t try, then I can’t fail”. A sexless marriage can sometimes be a case of crippling performance anxiety that has become an ingrained mentality, kind of a bad mental habit. This of course ties into so many other issues: self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of communication about sex and desires, or even a physiological response to underlying trauma. If you avoid sex altogether because you are afraid of letting your partner down or being criticized, it might be time to do a deep dive with a therapist together to fix your sexless marriage and improve your self worth! You deserve a healthy, satisfying sex life and you can learn how to please each other, even if it takes a little outside help!

 

  1. You’ve Fallen into a “roommate” dynamic

 

Maintaining a household, splitting bills, cooking meals, cleaning, doing laundry, arguing over who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher- it can be easy to fall into a sexless marriage when the minutiae of day to day life takes over. You may be happily cohabiting, but is the small stuff piling up and getting in the way of seeing your partner in a way that invokes sexual desire? Obviously, as relationships progress that initial hormonal boost that made you so hot for each other int he beginning fades, but there’s no need to resign yourselves to a platonic existence!

 

A sexless marriage can be helped by deliberately making an effort to experience life (and your partner) erotically. Focus on parts of them that turn you on, or actions they take that make you feel aroused. Is paying a bill inherently sexy? No, but maybe the way your partner signs their name is, or how they lick their lips while they concentrate on how to reduce the overall energy expenditure next month, or the way their arm looks strong holding groceries can become new, more subtle turn ons.

Sexless marriage

 

  1. You rely on spontaneity

 

At the beginning, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and now you can’t even remember the last time you saw each other naked “for fun”. If your sexless marriage is a byproduct of feeling more like sex should “just happen”, why not add sex to the to-do list? It may seem like making sex “a chore”, but the opposite is true: it gives you something to look forward to, and a mandated opportunity to connect, touch, and experience intimacy. You can even plan themes or games that you want to try! Think of it like this- Valentine’s Day isn’t necessary or the only opportunity to show someone you love them, and it isn’t spontaneous, but having a specific day devoted to love and romance in addition to your day to day love or unexpected rendezvous is something to look forward to and make special. So make these planned “date nights” special, you deserve it! And who knows, it may become second nature and prompt more spontaneous encounters!

 

What now?

You’ve scoured the internet for advice on how to fix your sexless marriage and have picked up a few tips, so what now? Try them out! 

And most importantly, communicate, communicate, communicate! 

Take some time to discuss creative, kind and productive solutions, as well as what has been contributing to your sexless marriage- yet, listen to and empathize with your partner, and above all… don’t criticize. 

A sex therapist can help facilitate these conversations if you find you’re having trouble opening up or making productive changes. 

Never forget: it takes some work, vulnerability and communication, yet you can fix a sexless marriage!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


male sex toys

Male Sex Toys

Male Sex Toys

 

It’s a common mistake that people with penises often make - they think toys are for other people and that there aren’t male sex toys. If they’re going to use a toy, it’s going to be used on someone they’re having sex with.

This approach is obviously very narrowminded because there are some great male sex toys out there. 

Yes, that’s what they’re still called in stores and online. 

Here, we know this means that these toys are designed for use on bodies with penises.

I love working with clients who are in the beginning stages of sex play with toys. It’s opening up a new, fun, erotic sexual layer they haven’t yet discovered or spent time with. Toys bring out some kink, and that’s always a great idea!

Granted, male sex toys don’t get the shine that the rest of the sex toy market does. That can change, though, and more companies are innovating some amazing toys that will elevate your intimacy.

Here are some of the basic and best sex toys out there right now. Some of these are designed to be used solo, some of them together, and some of them are up to you. Sex toys are where creativity pays off.

 

male sex toys

Penis Rings

Penis rings sometimes referred to as cock rings, are essentially a ring that goes around the base of your penis. The tighter the ring, the more that the blood flow inside your penis is restricted. This often results in longer-lasting erections and more intense orgasms.

Penis rings come in a huge variety. Some of them vibrate, there are all sorts of colors and shapes, and they even come in edible versions. If you’re new to the cock ring game, try out some basic silicone rings. You can usually buy them in a set that comes with a few different shapes and textures. Have some fun and go from there.

 

Prostate Massager

A prostate massager is just that. It’s placed around the anus or inserted into the anus. The toy has several different settings on it that range in speed and intensity. If you’re an anal sex pro, go all out. If you’re new to this game, take it slow and remember to use lube.male sex toys

Some prostate massages are inventive. There are some available for sale now that have another section that’s placed and designed to massage your perineum, the sensitive area of skin between your anus and your scrotum.

You can use a prostate massage on yourself as you masturbate and it’s a ton of fun with a partner taking turns and using the remote to control how intense their pleasure is.

 

The Fleshlight

The fleshlight is undoubtedly the most famous male sex toy out there. The fleshlight is a brand, and it’s so famous that an entire sex toy category, rubber vaginas, is referred to by that term. Another name you’ll often hear is pocket pussies. The fleshlight gets its name because it’s designed to look like a common flashlight. Pop the top off, though, and that’s where the fun begins.male sex toys

Sex toy manufacturers are pulling out all of the stops with male sex toys. You can design a fleshlight to very specific measurements to simulate a certain level of tightness or even one of your lover’s vaginas.

These toys come in starter packs that include lubrication and other accessories. You insert your penis into the rubber vagina and masturbate with it on.

 

Anal Plugs

male sex toys

Anal plugs, or butt plugs, can be enjoyed by everyone. Basic plugs are made from metal, silicone, or some other material and are inserted into the anus and left there to offer a constant stream of stimulation.

Many butt plugs include vibrating tips and even remote controls that your partner can use to change vibration speed and tempo.

 

Water-based Lubricant

Water-based lubricants are typically recommended for use with male sex toys because they do less harm and leave less residue once you’re finished. Silicon-based lubricants that are commonly found on condoms and other materials degrade over time.

There are some excellent water-based lubes on the sex toy market that will facilitate whatever you’re trying to do with your toy without that filmy, slimy feel that some other lubricants leave around whenever you’re done.

 

Penis Pumps

male sex toys

If you’ve watched pornography, you’ve likely seen web ads touting penis enlargement. Some of them may include some type of pump where, after use, a penis grows exponentially.

While claims about easy penis enhancement should be approached with suspicion, there is some sexual performance value to be gained from using a penis pump.

Penis pumps are a device people use to overcome erectile dysfunction. The pump goes over the penis and air is pumped into a cartridge that drives more blood to the penis. The increased blood makes your penis larger for short amounts of time.

All it takes is a quick pump session before you’re about to have sex. It could help you stay erect and keep your partner satisfied for longer.

 

Sex Dolls

Ok, so years ago sex dolls were something embarrassing and using dolls was much more underground. Today, there are some very interesting things going on in the sex doll world.

Doll makers are creating incredibly lifelike toys with all body shapes based on customer specifications. You can buy rubber sex dolls, silicone sex dolls, portions of sex dolls with just the butt and a vagina, or one with a full torso as well.

 

Blow Job Toys

People with a penis who have been masturbating the same way for years should check out some of the new blow job toys for sale.

Modern blow job toys simulate getting a real blow job. The openings are shaped like a mouth and the design is meant to mirror the stimulation of swallowing or penetration.

They come in both reusable and disposable models, and several different mouth shapes. You can purchase electric models that require a plug but make masturbating easier. Some use batteries too.

The important thing with blow job toys is to choose one that fits your penis tightly to increase pleasure and make the feeling more realistic.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Chronic Masturbation

What Is Chronic Masturbation?

What Is Chronic Masturbation?

 

One of the keys to understanding chronic masturbation and why it can be harmful is knowing what it is. You may be wondering; how often do you have to masturbate for it to be classified as “chronic”? However, chronic masturbation isn’t simply masturbating a lot.

Like other behaviors, there’s no way to say a set amount of doing something is harmful because everyone’s different. A person may enjoy masturbating a lot and it doesn’t get in the way of their life.

On the other hand, we label chronic masturbation as something that often causes anxiety and sexual performance issues to the point where it’s difficult or even prevents you from orgasming with a partner.

Some people who struggle with chronic masturbation need, indeed absolutely require outside stimulants like pornography to achieve orgasm.

In short, masturbation becomes something other than a positive sexual expression or stress reliever. It becomes a ritual, to the point sometimes of becoming an addiction, that takes away from other aspects of your sexual and non-sexual life.

 

Recognizing Chronic Masturbation

Chronic Masturbation

Even though chronic masturbation may be difficult to define in terms of quantity or frequency because everyone is different, it’s easy to spot when you see it in yourself or a partner.

The basic baseline is when masturbation is used instead of a sexual connection with your partner.

This isn’t like you’ve had a hard day of work, so you’d prefer to skip sex today and spend some time along with your hand. That’s perfectly normal and something most people feel from time to time.

I’m referring to when you sacrifice meaningful sexual interaction regularly to participate in a masturbatory ritual that leaves you unfulfilled.

Chronic masturbation also occurs when people with penises fail to maintain an erection during sex or people with vaginas can get stimulated by their sexual partners. The person becomes reliant on checking the boxes of their ritual, which usually involves viewing pornography or visualizing certain fantasies to achieve orgasm.

 

Fixing Chronic Masturbation

The good news is that there is help for people, and I’m referring to all people involved in a relationship with a partner who struggles with chronic masturbation as well. Once identified, a sex therapist can work with clients to adjust behaviors so that masturbation resumes its normal healthy role in people’s lives. A licensed sex therapist can develop techniques that help along the way.

One of the critical factors in fixing chronic masturbation is the desire to change. This isn’t obvious for everyone. Sometimes chronic masturbation becomes so engrained in a person’s life that they can’t envision living without it. Their ritual is part of their daily process. They may feel like their entire life will be out of whack if they stop or do something differently.

When people understand how their habits are affecting the people they love, or the ability to love at all, then they can start on the path to change.

This often requires relearning masturbation.

 

Relearning Masturbation

How can you relearn to masturbate? By now, most people have it down pat! We’ve been masturbating so long we know what will turn us on and get us to the finish.

A lot of people can tell what kind of orgasm they’re going to have within the first minute of masturbating. It may be a quick session to get some relief. It also could be the type of masturbation where you settle in for a while, giving yourself some much needed alone time.

Changing a habit that’s so second nature can be difficult.

I find that masturbation rest days are effective. When a person is masturbating very frequently, telling them to do it differently can affect results. They sometimes report back that they couldn’t finish or had a hard time staying focused without their old sequence.

Going without for a few days can reset the body and recharge your sexual receptors. Your body will be more responsive to touch and external stimuli.

I like to tell clients to be present when they masturbate. Many times, it helps to sit or lay in front of a mirror where you can see yourself and what you’re doing.

Touch yourself slowly, and purposefully! Celebrate your body and what it gives you. Practice gratitude for your sexuality and the potential to give and receive touch.

If possible, try to get back to the point of being able to orgasm without pornography or any external stimuli. That may require you to abstain for more than one or two days until your body is ready.

 

Working with Your Partner

Partners play a critical role in changing sexual habits. Now, to be very clear, we are not laying blame or placing responsibility for change on a partner. It is not their fault nor their job to fix someone’s chronic masturbation.

It is, though, important to emphasize that as someone’s partner, you play a part in the overall sexual health of your relationship.

The goal here is to support someone trying to overcome or shift away from chronic masturbation. If you’re the one struggling with chronic masturbation, then you need to try and work to explain how your partner can support you.

That may mean having sex more often. It can also mean trying to up the intensity of your sexual encounters. Incredible, passionate sex is a wonderful motivator. It also brings the two of you together in a connected way that’s undeniable.

Partners should work together to create a healthy sexual dynamic that meets everyone’s needs individually.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


National Sex Day

7 Solo Sex Tips for All Adults on National Sex Day

7 Solo Sex Tips for All Adults on National Sex Day

 

Did you know there is a National Sex Day? Even though June 9 is not an official holiday, get a little creative with the date (6/9) and you’ll see why so many people have declared it a day of sex.

We’re trying to get the message out that this year’s National Sex Day is more important than ever. With everything that’s going on, and after spending months in quarantine and worried about the coronavirus, it’s time we all had some well-deserved sex! It’s the best stress reliever and releases much-needed endorphins that improve mental health.

Whether you’re flying solo or involved in a relationship with a partner or partners, we’re focused on solo sex this National Sex Day. Solo sex has several mental and physical benefits, and the better you get at it, there more benefits there are to be had.

Here are 7 tips for adults on how to have incredible solo sex on June 9. Let’s all join in and send out some positive sexual energy.

 

Get a Sex Toy!

Sex toys close the orgasm gap between men and women. In surveys, the majority of men, over 90% of them, report achieving orgasm, while only around 60% of women say the same. Sex toys close the gap between different people. With toys, everyone has a chance to have some fun.

Betty Dodson brought vibrators back onto the scene decades ago and solo sex has never been better. Get a magic wand with different settings that can be used on all parts of the body. They come with different attachments and even come wireless and waterproof.

You may also want to try putting on a blindfold. Yes, you hear that right, blindfolds are great for solo sex as well! With a sexy blindfold on, you’re shutting off your other senses and focusing on sexual touch. It’s easier to slip into a sexy fantasy or experiment with different breathing patterns and how they affect your orgasms.

Watch my video about sex toys here for more information:

 

Try Edging

If you’ve been in quarantine for months, chances are you’re ready to experiment with new ways to get more out of solo sex and your orgasms. Edging is a way to delay climax which ultimately ends with more intense and longer-lasting orgasms.

Edging is all about effort. It takes time to build that anticipation in your mind and body that explodes once you reach climax. You may spend your time masturbating to a fantasy or pornography, walking back from the edge just as you’re about to orgasm.

Part of the fun with edging is embracing the anxiety that you may lose the orgasm altogether. This risk-reward play raises the stakes of solo sex. It can also be a fantastic body control exercise that will help you in bed with partners.

 

Experimenting with Anal

Anal orgasms aren’t only for people with penises. All body types can experience pleasure with anal sex. People with vaginas often climax by stimulating themselves through the wall between the vagina and the rectum.

Make sure you have enough lube on hand to make entering nice and easy. Start by slowly massaging your opening to help your body relax before you insert any toys or fingers. Alternate between vertical and horizontal motions in your anus. Add speed and pressure as you become relaxed and comfortable.

 

Use a Mirror

Too many people are still struggling with body issues! If that’s you, take advantage of National Sex Day by sitting yourself in front of a mirror for a solo session.

With a mirror, you can explore your body and work on body acceptance. Massage yourself, use lotion or lube to get yourself lathered up. Put on something sexy to get yourself in the mood.

Caress your legs, stomach, and genitals with your eyes open. Follow what feels good and try new things to see if they work.

 

Talk Dirty to Me

This might feel a bit silly at first, but just trust me. National Sex Day is the perfect time for a little solo sex with a dash of dirty talking. Talking dirty will heat up your solo time and is great practice for fun with partners. If you haven’t played with dirty talk during sex, then this is a great intro.

Push the boundaries on what you’re comfortable with to see where it will take you. Talking dirty to yourself will help you overcome sexual anxiety and embrace the sexual experience.

National Sex Day 

Get a Workout on National Sex Day

No, I’m not saying to masturbate while you’re doing yoga or in between sets of pushups. Instead, exercise your pelvic floor muscles to improve genital control. Squeezing and holding your pelvic muscles tight should also give you a more intense orgasm. All that clinching takes work and has a huge payoff.

Pelvic workouts are all about body control. As you get better, you can sync your hand or toy strokes with your clenching and releasing to make sensations stronger. As you progress, try to hold your squeezes longer and longer to see what kind of difference it makes in your orgasm.

 

Give Tantric Breathing a Try

Many people who struggle to orgasm are found to hold their breath during sex, especially when things heat up during sex. Failing to take deep, measured breaths can prevent orgasm.

National Sex Day is a great time to try out tantric breathing and see whether it can give you an amazing orgasm. Tantric breathing involves inhaling deeply into the belly to increase blood flow which enhances sexual pleasure.

Start by laying down or getting into a sitting position and inhale deeply. Focus on your muscles as they expand and tense. As you exhale, notice the sensations on your skin, your arms, your legs, and focus on erotic thoughts.

Continue breathing like that as you begin to touch and stroke your genitals until you reach orgasm. For many people, tantric breathing helps them get into higher states of arousal and experience intense orgasmic experiences.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

 


Sex Technique Video

Sex Technique Videos

Sex Technique Videos

 

Have you ever watched porn and thought, I wish a profession could just make a sex technique videos?

I had this thought back before I learned anything about human sexuality. 

A sex technique videos is GREAT for adults who love to learn visually! 

  • To make sustainable changes in patterns of connection. 
  • To increase awareness about intimate pleasure and sensual wellness. 
  • To develop habits that support sexual and / or relational goals.
  • To become more adventurous while embracing change in intimacy menu.
  • To feel more connected and free, instead of reactive or ignored.

Stimulate your senses with a new type of sensation - using sex therapy techniques like tantra or kink! 

Be sure to go to my youtube channel, TheSexHealer, and subscribe and hit the bell for free weekly content on improving your erotic life. 

I love to make videos because therapy is expensive, and sometimes people only need little tricks. 

Not everyone needs intensive therapy, so these videos create access to services some people may not have been able to afford. 

Each video takes about 8 hours or so to make. Thousands of messages between our entire team go back and forth from week to week as we make just one video. 

If the audio or video is off, I get bummed out, yet I realize that having the knowledge is what matters most. This is why I have dedicated myself to make a weekly video, even during COVID19 closures. 

You cannot learn solely from a sex technique videos - you have to try and do the exercises suggested FOR YOURSELF! 

To help you get started, we have put together a quick videos for couples: 

 

How to be good in bed!

Benefits: Set the scene, and show up ready, even if you are anxious! How to spice up your routine if you have been together for a while! Learn ways to “hack” the bedtime boredom by using these ideas to help you relax and center your mind and body.

 

How to Make a BDSM Video

For those who want to make their own form of pornography, this will show you the most important things to consider! Forget fighting with your partner and start planning a video! 

Consider trading your “usual” pleasure routine for something more curious… something more erotically challenging.

 

Edging! 

Benefits: Did you ever want to improve your stamina and sense of pleasure in bed? Edging is one technique to do this that MOST people report as fun and simple! It’s low risk and high reward! 

 

Video on Breathing 

Benefits: Better breath control improves blood flow and oxygenation that results in a more relaxed, stimulating sexual experience.

 

Female Anatomy 

Benefits: Condenses a decade of knowledge into one video! For those of you struggling with not understanding how to pleasure a vagina… it’s probably because you don’t know enough about the entire anatomy of pleasure for a woman. This video quickly teaches you how to become a sexpert! 

 

My most popular videos:

How to Get Over Male Sexual Performance Anxiety

Couples Having Sex During The Quarantine

Pleasuring a Woman: What You Should Know Before Having Sex

Thank you for checking these out, and be sure to subscribe for more free and weekly sex technique videos! 

If you have friends or know adults that can benefit from this content, consider sending this to them to answer their intimate questions.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


couples therapy video option

Uncovering Couples Therapy Video Options

Uncovering Couples Therapy Video Options

 

Have you tried couples therapy video options yet due to the pandemic? 

If you have tried a couples therapy video option, make sure you let us know your experience. 

When was the last time you had someone trained to listen, to reflect, and to guide you through communication issues?

Opening up and working through problems is a freeing process that, unfortunately, too few couples know.

The initial meeting with a therapist is the hardest part. 

Once you make an appointment, and then begin to fill out the intake paperwork, you start a journey of exploration and healing that often is not possible alone. 

Some people, for several reasons, are hesitant to meet and talk with therapists.

Therapists are responding to client concerns and increasing their outreach by making therapy video sessions available to everyone who is not at risk of harming themselves or others.  

Now, practices around the country, and the world, are performing couples therapy video sessions as the norm. 

They’ll meet with you in the privacy of your home.

There’s a lot to consider when you’re looking for a therapist or thinking about starting sessions. Video conference capability is just one more piece of the puzzle. 

Here we discuss some of the main benefits of couples therapy video sessions and why they may work for you: 

  • Convenient and simple
  • Flexible payments
  • Sometimes covered by insurance
  • Who doesn’t want to improve their love?
  • Growing leaps and bounds in weeks

 

After 4 weeks, one client reported:

“I wish I didn’t wait to start therapy so late! I'm not going to lie, I wouldn't have put off therapy for so long if I had realized all the discoveries along the way. Not just myself but also a different window into my partner’s inner world. I've very much so appreciated the way that the therapeutic relationship has been built. It was essentially everything I thought it wouldn't be and I feel like I've been making leaps and bounds in my own inner world and starting to show to the rest of the world.”

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Consequences of Divorce

Consequences of Divorce – It’s Not All About You

Consequences of Divorce – It’s Not All About You

 

Have you ever wonder about the consequences of divorce?

When you’re in the thick of marriage hell, breaking away seems like the only option. While you and your spouse are screaming at each other from different rooms, you’re probably dreaming about what life away from them would be like.

You’re sleeping in separate rooms, barely speaking, and you haven’t had sex in months. If you’re just roommates, why not make it official and call it quits? There’s probably someone out there waiting for you who’s kinder, kinkier, and will love you for you, right?

Divorce isn’t always the magic pill people who are struggling in their relationship expect it to be. Starting over can be just as hard, and the decision impacts the people around you as well.

 

The Divorce Disclaimer

Let me preface this discussion on divorce with support for anyone who is suffering or been through marital abuse. It’s been very saddening to hear that police are receiving higher numbers of domestic violence reports during the Coronavirus quarantine.

Too many, people, especially those with children, endure abuse in marriage. Your mental and physical health comes first.

 

Thinking About Getting Out?

This is for you if you’re considering divorce because things simply stopped clicking between you and your spouse. The state of your relationship is a far cry from the cohesive bond you shared once upon a time. Things have deteriorated to the point where you’re no longer happy.

Here are 8 consequences of divorce that you should consider as you put the divorce on the table.

 

  1. Communal Grieving

It’s easy to think of divorce as like some event where you break the chains negativity you’ve been bound in for years. In reality, divorce is like a slow grind filled with grief that often ends in a whimper. And you’re not the only one grieving.

While you may not care so much about what your spouse is going through, your parents, those great in-laws, your children, and all of the friends you’ve made throughout your marriage share in your grief.

 

  1. Financial Decisions Have a Huge Impact

 

So many unhappy couples are in such a rush to get out that they make unwise financial decisions that impact them for years. You should carefully comb through your finances and have good legal representation to make sure you’re getting a fair deal.

Unwinding your assets can be complicated. What if you own a business together? Does the prospect of paying spousal support for decades change your attitude toward divorce? Splitting up is often more work than you think.

 

  1. It’s Rarely as Amicable as You Think

    Consequences of Divorce

Even if you’re a couple that comes peacefully to terms that you no longer belong together, divorce is never going to be as easy or painless as you think.

All of a sudden, you’re going through who gets what and your partner digs their heels in over keeping the dog. You decide to retaliate by claiming the bedroom furniture. Things can spiral downhill quickly.

You need to be prepared for the worst.

 

  1. Disappearing Friends

Your friends are going to have a hard time accepting and navigating your divorce. Usually, they feel like they need to take sides.

Even if they remain cordial, eventually you’ll notice some of your friends have unfriended you on Facebook or get in touch less often. It’s not that they don’t like you. They just like your ex more and don’t want to have to guard what they say around you.

Consider that more than just the relationship with your spouse is going to be affected by divorce. Even though they may have good intentions, they’re going to feel uncomfortable with the new dynamic. As a result, some of your friends may distance themselves.

 

  1. Kids Get It the Hardest

As a parent, divorce is an excruciating decision. No matter how much you hate your spouse, you’ll worry about ruining your kids’ lives growing up in a single-parent household. Divorced parents have a very challenging time entering new relationships as well because they’re hesitant to put their kids through any more trauma.

Your children will no doubt suffer from divorce. You’ll likely get to see them less often, and during the divorce process, they’ll probably see sides of your and your spouse you’ll wish they didn’t.

 

  1. Your Ex May Flourish – Can You Handle It?

Are you emotionally stable enough to see your spouse thrive post-divorce? What if they find new love before you do or get a promotion at work with all that free time? You’re not the only one stuck in a challenging relationship.

You need to realize that your partner may benefit from divorce just like you’re hoping to, so get ready for that.

 

  1. Behavioral Patterns Exist

Whenever you are ready for another relationship, you’re going to bring emotional baggage along with you no matter what. If you were married for a long time, then behavioral patterns have set in that you may not be able to identify yourself.

Working with a therapist can help avoid dragging your new partner into bad old habits that are hanging over from your divorce.

 

  1. Not Everyone’s Going to Agree

Not everyone sees the intimate details of what unwound your marriage. There’s a chance even your family will carry some resentment because they love your ex! They always loved your ex and are sad to see them go.

They may harbor some resentment over your divorce, even while they say they completely support your decision.

The bottom line is divorce is hard. While some marriages can be saved, divorce is sometimes the only healthy option. Just know that, even without kids, it’s about more than just the two of you, and feeling that relief of separation isn’t everyone’s reality.

Divorce has significant consequences that will follow you for years. Certainly, staying in a state of misery with your marriage is not fun either! Weigh your options carefully and lean on professionals you can trust to make the best decision for you and your family.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Couples Therapy Exercises

Couples Therapy Exercises

Couples Therapy Exercises

 

No relationship stays the same and that is why couples therapy exercises are so important. 

It starts as one thing and evolves into another. That’s a good thing! 

You shouldn’t want to live a static life. It’s unrealistic and leaves little room for growth.

The whole point of a relationship is to see whether it can make you better. A better lover, friend, and human. 

Ideally, you choose someone that will both challenge and support you as you grow. 

Ideally, you grow together into something stronger than what you started as. This isn’t always the case though, hence couples therapy exercises are often desired! 

Relationships grow and sometimes end. 

At some point, both or one of you may realize it’s run its course. There’s no point going forward.

A lot of times that decision is crystal clear, and other times it’s not. Maybe you’ve got a lot invested in the relationship like kids or too much history to walk away from easily. Other times, you still deeply love your partner and want to see if it can work despite all of the hard times.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, you need to realize that the key to working through relationship difficulties lies with the both of you. There’s no magic pill. It takes hard work and changing the way you communicate and show love.

After all, isn’t that what it’s all about? Hopefully, by now you know that most hard things are worth the effort. The more you put in, the more you’ll get out.

A relationship expert and therapist can offer unique insight into the ways you communicate. We can help you identify patterns of behavior that may be holding the two of you back. Typically, we give couples some exercises to help overcome challenges in the way they talk to and treat each other. Here are some basic exercises you can try in your relationship.

 

Reflective Listening

If you look critically at your communication pattern, you may notice that you’re quick to talk and slow to listen. It can be hard to take this feedback, which is why so many couples find more success in sessions with a therapist.

Couples Therapy Exercises

When things get heated, we become so married to our point of view that we’re eager to make that the narrative in the relationship. We don’t want to cede ground. Even if you’re not speaking while your partner is talking, you’re may simply be planning what point or argument to make next.

Reflective reasoning is an effective method that both communicates that you hear and understand your partner, and helps you take in whatever message they’re giving you.

A good example of this is when, after listening to your spouse or partner say something, you say something to the effect of, “What I think I hear you saying is that part of you ____ and part of you ____. Is that close?”

You’re reflecting the message your partner is communicating. If you reflect it and your partner still doesn’t feel you understand, then you’ve identified an area you can work on.

Reflective listening requires patience as you iron our ruffles in the way you project and receive messages from one another.

 

RIGHT Intentions

Aligning your intentions is critical to relationship success. Unfortunately, too many couples get stuck in patterns of abuse and resentment that they lose sight they should be acting the best interests of their partner!

Sometimes hurt feelings can cause you to lash out, withhold love, or even actively sabotage your partner. Under these conditions, it’s hard to see any success on the horizon.

To right the ship, you have to adjust your intentions to the positive. If you want something to improve, don’t blame, and instead give clear simple, and actionable options for your partner.

This is easier than it sounds, especially if things have been bad for a while. Start small and grow from there.

 

RIGHT Tone

Have you ever heard your partner say something to you and knew they meant something different? If you’ve been together long enough, you’re attuned to their subtle cues. Not everything needs to be verbalized.

Most couples are surprised when they hear how their tone is interpreted. It might even be worthwhile for you to record some of your conversations, so you can listen back to the way you sound and how your partner may interpret your tone.

To help things get better in your relationship, shift your tone to a more positive one. Focus on speaking without judgment in a calm matter. This helps communication become more effective when things are rough. It removes some of the heat of passion and emotions like anger from your talks.

 

Thinking About Consent

Every relationship, at every stage, has a power dynamic. Even couples who don’t like to admit it experience this. That’s not to say power dynamics are static. They shift and morph as you do.

Couples Therapy Exercises

Many couples start with one partner taking a lead role in sex, where you live, what car you buy, and a million other decisions. Years down the road, the other partner may develop a desire to be more active in decision making and take on more of a leadership role. That’s fine and natural.

Relationships run into trouble when one partner is unhappy with the power dynamic and the other refuses to compromise. Essentially, the rigid partner is stifling the other’s growth. Now, they may be doing that because they feel like the growth will adversely affect them, and that’s fine. Just know that your willingness to let power dynamics mature will impact the long-term prospects of your relationships.

The best way to ensure successful relationship dynamics is by creating a system whereby consent can be given and received easily.

Each partner should be able to quickly discover whether their partner is along for the ride. Whether it’s with sex, the finances, social decisions, or careers.

You should think about scheduling regular check-ins to discuss consent or even create relationship “safewords” that each of you can use to trigger your partner into knowing something’s not right and the two of you should talk.

These are just some of the many strategies a relationship counselor can work with you on as you progress and grow in your relationship. There’s always more to learn and that’s the point.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

LCAT provides video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.


Female Masturbation - Owning Pleasure with Virtual Erotic Recess

Female Masturbation - Owning Pleasure with Virtual Erotic Recess

 

In November 2019, I wrote about my first time attending Betty Dodson’s Bodysex weekend - a weekend centered on female masturbation. 

Can you imagine female masturbation occurring online for pleasure, instead of for pornography? 

Coronavirus created a space where that was possible! Globally! 

 

Then Coronavirus Hit

It’s been months since my Bodysex experience, and naturally, I was aching for more; yet Betty and Carlin’s BodySex was sold out the Goop episode, BodySex 2020 would be sold out… 

All of their workshops are done in person. 

The effect of showing your genitals and orgasming in front of people you just met is incredibly delicious and empowering; so much so that most attendees report it to be “life changing.” 

Coronavirus threw a wrench into the plans of pleasure though. 

All of BodySex workshops were canceled to meet social distancing requirements. As I would imagine Betty and Carlin must have been bummed. However, within a couple weeks, the news came forward that Erotic Recess would be moving forward… on Zoom!

Yes, you read that right. Female masturbation for pleasure on Zoom. 

We would be part of piloting a new program of sexual pleasure from our own homes. 

Imagine a bunch of women on the same screen - totally nude - exploring and celebrating their own body together! 

I was intrigued to be a part of seeing if this experiment would “work” in the pandemic. 

Would the virtual Erotic Recess seminar hold a candle to the in-person BodySex that included female masturbation?

 

How Did It Go? 

Being a part of a virtual seminar is obviously different from meeting in person. 

Sitting in a circle with attendees facilitates a natural interaction and conversation flow. 

You take turns by… going around the circle. 

It’s also easier to read people’s moods when you can feel their energy up close.

Still, I was just excited that technology has enabled us to do this! 

After all, even in the face of a pandemic, pleasure must go on...

We started with a bit of boundary setting to begin! 

That happens in every seminar anyway, and it’s especially important over webcams. 

Carlin held a sacred space and was clear about no penises in the circle!

 

Female Masturbation For Global Healing

Erotic Recess leaves no room for avoidance or shame. 

We embrace our bodies, own our pleasure, and celebrate our vulvas for the incredible gift they are! As the workshop progressed, we talked about orgasms and masturbated in front of our computers, focused totally on pleasure and the solidarity of connection. 

It was great seeing how so many women experience and approach orgasm so differently. All of us better understand that there is no “right” way to be in pleasure. All of us realize that there is no “one” camera angle that works for all adult female bodies and movement abilities. 

 

My Virtual Female Masturbation Takeaways

Here are some of my main takeaways:

  • Ownership is SO important - During the workshop, attendees are discouraged as much as possible from talking about how others have affected their sexuality. The emphasis is on owning your eroticism. You get to decide that you deserve pleasure and bask in its glory!
  • The Right Tool Helps - millions of women will celebrate Betty Dodson for the rest of their lives to thank her for making the vibrator mainstream. Due to Carlin Ross and the future of BodySex, the pleasure continues… virtually! 
  • Sex tools are a godsend for women, particularly those who struggle to orgasm. My husband recently bought me the Le Wand Feel My Power Special Edition. 
  • I have to say, along with lubing up and Betty’s Barbell, it works wonders! 
  • Strategize with different toys and options until you find the one for you.
  • Once again... pleasure is gorgeous and healing! I have seen thousands of nude bodies at this point, and I just want to say that during female masturbation, most bodies have similar responses, and have sounds of joy.  Instead of shaming self-touch, celebrate it. This process works if you work it.

 

Virtual Erotic Recess Works

In the end, even Coronavirus could not stop our pleasure.

The 16+ women who have shared their screens alongside me have adapted to our new reality, and it didn’t dampen the experience. Each of us came away refreshed and excited to feel more pleasure and be free with our bodies. As Betty always says, “Better orgasms, better world”.

I am so grateful that I get to do this for a living! Erotic Recess is a wonderful reminder to me of how impactful sex therapy is and how many women can change their lives, not just with intimacy, through this process. It’s an incredible experience and I’m moved every time to be a part of it.

If you’re interested in Betty Dodson seminars like Bodysex, check them out now! You’ll be glad you gave it a try.

As some of you may know, pleasure is healing and female masturbation is often the key to unleash the power within. 

We grow through pain and pleasure, usually when we are uncomfortable. 

During this time of a global pandemic, we use female masturbation and self-pleasure during the sexual stimulation process to increase the feel-good hormones in your body! 

Whether or not you reach the release of orgasm, the bodily function that sometimes occurs during sexual interaction, isn’t the goal. The purpose is to connect with you. 

Follow the advice of Dr. Betty Dodson, the Queen of Female Masturbation, by checking out her NYT article. 

Female masturbationYou Are Your Safest Sex Partner: Betty Dodson Wants to Help

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

LCAT provides video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


couple sex

Essential Rules for Couples Sex – 10 Things You’re Allowed to Say During Sex!

Essential Rules for Couples Sex – 10 Things You’re Allowed to Say During Sex!

 

Couples don’t start sex therapy because everything’s great. There’s usually some issue where they’re at an impasse. It’s something that, for whatever reason, they just can’t work their way through.

If you’re having intimacy issues in a committed relationship, you’ve probably been through the wringer a time or two. Whether it’s imbalances in sex drive, different levels of comfort with sexual exploration, or some other underlying issue, disagreements over sex are tough!

There’s so much tied up in the way we make love. Knowingly or unwittingly, you’re bringing your background, your trauma, and anything else that’s molded your sexuality into the bedroom with your partner.

We have to remember that sex is fun and it’s also complicated. It’s a way you can fill your own needs and the needs of your partner. When sex is great, it’s extremely fulfilling. When it’s not, it can be scarring.

Sometimes we lose sight of our boundaries in the pursuit of pleasing our partners. Each of us has to do what it takes to make sure sex stays fun, engaging, and positive. Here are some things you need to remember that you’re allowed to say and feel.

Couple sex

  1. Can We Slow Down?

There’s hot sex and there’s slow sex. Sex can be kinky, and it can also be romantic. Sometimes it’s fast and sometimes it’s slow. You always have the right to tell your partner to slow down. That’s critical when you’re trying something new like BDSM or roleplaying. Go at your own pace! It’s ok if you don’t want to go from 0-100 on the first try. Find a speed you feel good with.

 

  1. I Like That

I meet with so many people that have a hard time explaining what they like. If you ask them, they’re great at saying, “Well, I know I don’t like it when he touches me here or when she does that.” One of the best things you can do for your sexual enjoyment is taking control of what turns you on. If necessary, spend some alone time masturbating so you can get to know your body better. Once you know, make sure you clue your partner in as well!

 

  1. I Don’t Like That and I Would Rather ____

There’s a compromise in sex, and both you and your partner should work together to find a happy medium where you’re both getting the sex and sense of adventure you crave while also keeping each other safe. Verbalize with your partner any time you feel uncomfortable with a sex act or situation. You’re an even part of what’s happening!

couple sex

  1. I Feel Nervous

Many of us hold anxious feelings inside because we’re afraid it might spook our partner or make it into a big deal. Your partner will probably be happy if you reveal you’re nervous. A good partner wants sex to be amazing for both of you, not just them. If they know you’re nervous they can be more attentive to how you’re feeling and do more to make sex a positive experience.

It will also help with pacing. When you start a sexual relationship with someone, it’s all about progression. Hopefully, the way you have sex in later months and years will be much different than the first time. You’ll be more comfortable about experimenting and pushing the boundaries of your sexuality. For that to happen you need a solid foundation on which you both feel comfortable as you move forward.

 

  1. I Feel Complete. I Would Like to Be Done

Ego comes to play when you have sex. Some people are driven by self-pleasure and others crave the pleasure of others. If you’re with a partner that’s a giver or a pleaser, you need to be firm about when you’ve had enough. That can happen with positive feedback you give your partner, telling them how great they are at oral sex or how amazing your orgasm was.

It can also mean giving your partner clear signals that you’re through. As always, it’s vital you feel safe when you have sex. You’re not there solely for the enjoyment of your partner. It’s only part of the equation.

 

  1. I am Thirsty/Hungry, Can We Take a Break?

Have you ever been with someone who loves marathon sex sessions? You’re French kissing and making love for hours. You may have read about tantric sex and how delaying orgasms can accentuate eventual pleasure.

Still, everyone has a limit. Make sure you don’t cross yours. Don’t let your partner make you feel guilty about needing a break during sex. A break can often increase tension and result in better orgasms!

 

  1. I Would Like to Use More Lube

For whatever reason, many of you may feel embarrassed about asking for more lube. 

For me personally, I don’t recommend any sex without it!

The stigma around lube is something most people deal with at some point. 

Your partner may become insecure and take your asking for lube as an affront. 

“What, I don’t turn you on enough to keep you lubricated?” is something I commonly hear.

First of all, those kinds of partners need to do a bit more learning about body fluids

Secondly, please do not let embarrassment or anxiety about someone’s actions keep you from staying healthy and comfortable during sex. Lube makes it way more pleasurable for the sensitive skin of the body!

 

  1. This is Fun!

couple sex

That’s right, give yourself the right to have fun! Repeat after me, “Sex is supposed to be fun!” 

Do whatever it takes to remove feelings of obligation, shame, abuse, or any other negative motivator.

Tell yourself that sex is fun. Reinforce the idea of what it should be. Don’t forget to tell your partner, too. They need to hear it sometimes as well.

 

  1. Is This Meeting Your Needs?

Resist the urge to become so self-involved in your sexual growth that you leave your partner behind. Check-in on them regularly. Solicit feedback so you know what they’re feeling. Ask them if they’d like to try something new and follow up afterward to talk about how it went. You’ll be happier when your partner is digging sex as much as you are.

 

  1. How Can We Find the Win-Win for Our Time Together?

Don’t forget, you’re in this together. Your sex can only climb as high as your partner is going to let it. Lift each other. Push each other up with positive reinforcement and transparency. When you strip away all the distractions that get caught up in sex, you’ll find a deeper connection. Sex will feel incredible and you’ll get extra comfort out of getting there with someone you love.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.