Rigger Kink

Do You Have A Rigger Kink? Learn The Ropes in Bondage

Do You Have A Rigger Kink? Learn The Ropes in Bondage

 

Have you heard of a rigger kink or rope bondage before? 

Sometimes known as the art of kinbaku or shibari. Those that have a rigger kink fantasize about tying up a partner in rope. 

Shibari or rope bondage is one of the most artistic forms of sensuality, intimacy, and surrender. 

Imagine the rope as a tool to express connection and attunement between those involved. The rigger (the person tying) and the rope model / rope bottom or guided (the person getting the rope on their body) explore the notion of give and take while embodied into one connective medium of rope. Immediately, non-verbal communication and cuing of body language comes into play between those involved. Rigger Kink

If you are the type of person who likes to learn a new skill set, if you are the type of person who wants to practice submission by physically being bound, if you are interested in the idea of trusting someone to tie you up, this may be a kink for you. 

Go to fetlife.com and look for rope / shibari dojos or who the teachers are in your local community. Although youtube videos are great for rope (I have made some myself), it is not like going into a place where someone will teach you more about the type of rope to use, the tension of rope, and beginner ties. 

When you think of a rigger kink, imagine creating something intimate for the person you are guiding. Imagine surrendering into something that feels safe and containing. 

People practice BDSM relationship styles just like others practice egalitarian lifestyles. You know how you may really look forward to getting or giving an engagement ring. A person within a BDSM relationship with a rigger may see the same amount of significance with their rope kit. 

A rope kit contains your rope (nylon, hemp, or jute), cutting shears, and all hardware you will need for the rope scene you want to do! 

When you have a rigger kink, usually you have a style of rope you enjoy receiving or being put in. 

The rope kit will get cut to your body size and shape so that when you are doing certain ties, the knots fall in places that will not harm your body. 

 

Some Common Facts If You Want To Be A Rigger

Rigger kink is fun…until we get to the warnings! Rope is edgeplay. You are allowed to consensually hurt one another as adults. Yet “do no harm” is an important motto for when you are getting into more serious rigger kink play. Suspensions and tying rope around certain limbs incorrectly or for too much time will cause damage. Similarly, if you are going to tie someone in rope and you have never CUT your rope, you must do this first. 

What this means is you must know how to cut the person out of the rope! If you check out the work of Lew Rubens or Georg Barkas, you will see two very different styles of rope bondage. 

Those who are riggers carry a rope kit on them, their carabiner hardware, often two (or more) cutting implements, a first aid kit with liquid bandage. A blanket for their rope bottom after the rope scene, a water bottle, a granola or protein bar. 

I strongly recommend that you take lessons privately or at least visit your local rope dojo in the beginning. If you are not tying weekly, or daily, you are significantly behind those who practice the art of rope bondage for rigger kink. 

Learn a somerville bowline and watch some of our rope videos: 

 

Rigger Kink Supports Your Love Languages

Practicing rigger kink can provide both rigger and rope bottom with a strategy that meets their love languages. Acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation exchanged, gift giving of rope kits, and physical touch of the bondage are all achieved in rigger kink. Rigging and rope bondage can be a great way to experience intimacy and fun with your partner.

Additional Help Available with LCAT’s Sex Therapy Video:

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

sex therapy videos

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

National Kink Month

National Kink Month: Learn About BDSM & Kink Lifestyle

National Kink Month: Learn About BDSM & Kink Lifestyle

 

Did you know that in October we’re celebrating National Kink Month. A day for all kinksters and BDSM lovers out there? You might be a kink expert or someone who is only exploring what it entails. So it’s a great moment to learn more about kink, BDSM, and everything else such a lifestyle involves. 

The goal of this article is to inform, educate, and inspire those who are looking to learn more about kink or simply wish to celebrate National Kink Month and remind themselves of what’s important to them. 

So, let’s dive into it right away, shall we? 

What is a Kink Lifestyle? 

If you’re to compare a person with a kink lifestyle to a one without it, the obvious difference between them would be the engagement in kinky activities. These activities might be performed in the bedroom, outside the house, at a party, or anywhere else, and they would need to be present in one’s life in order to say this person leads a kink lifestyle. 

Also, how are you integrating your kink into your life in general? Do you know some places in your city where people with similar interests gather and just hang out? Are you a member on forums or platforms where other kinksters share their experiences and look for friends and partners? Don’t worry because even without it, you would still be considered a person with a kink lifestyle, however, you’d probably be the only one knowing it. 

When someone has a certain interest, whether the nature of that interest is sexual or not. It’s very common that they wish to connect with people who share that interest and feel like a part of the community.

How to Live Your Best Kink Life?

No matter if you’re new to the kink lifestyle or not, you will probably be focused on making the most of it and finding ways to always feel happy and positive with your kinky side. Depending on your preferences, your life as a kinky person can be very different from someone else’s. If you’re still thinking about your kink personality and not sure what your options are, here is a list that might help you with it:

  • Explore kink culture by reading articles and books, watching movies, and listening to music.
  • You can start exploring dominance/submission in the bedroom, and also when you’re out with your partner.
  • You can sign up on BDSM or kink forums and dating apps to meet other kinksters. 
  • Visit events where people with kink interests also go, e.g. concerts, theater, festivals, etc.
  • You can work on integrating kink long-term into your life and applying kink philosophies and beliefs into other areas as well.

How Can I Become a Kinkster?

If you’re not already, the only reason why you’re reading this is that you want to become a part of the kink community. So, how can you start living a kink lifestyle? The best way to do it is by talking to people you’re interested in and sharing your kink side with them. They might also be open to exploring their kinkiness, so you can both immerse yourself into the exciting world of BDSM. 

You can even come up with a plan and goals as a couple or you can do it just for yourself. Write a list of specific things you wish to explore. It can be anything, sex positions, games, outfits, role-playing, etc. 

Once you start practicing BDSM or kinky sex, make sure you do regular check-ins with your sex partner as it’s important to see are you still both enjoying it and if something needs to be addressed. Also, try to talk about your kink side with at least one friend. It’s nice to be able to share what excites you with supportive friends who don’t have to be interested in that type of lifestyle at all. 

Kinky Sex 

 BDSM is not the same as kinky sex. In reality, it’s just one of the categories that you can explore. Besides BDSM, there is also fantasy role-playing, fetishes, voyeurism or exhibitionism, and group sex. You can try out all of these kinky sex categories to see which of them you prefer and which of them you don’t want to practice under any circumstances. 

When it comes to kinky sex, the most essential part about it is consent. Make sure you always give and ask for consent when you’re practicing it. As much as communication is vital to healthy sexual relationships, the lack of it when exploring dominant/submissive roles or causing pain to each other might seriously harm the relationship.

Use safe words to avoid confusion and discomfort. As this type of sex might involve restraints or resistance, using safe words can help you communicate better in bed. The most common safe words are ‘red’ for ‘stop’ and ‘green’ for ‘go’. Of course, each person can choose their own safe words as long as they share them with their partner before having sex.

Another important element in kinky sex is pain. The pain in kinky sex should bring you pleasure and you should enjoy it completely. If it’s making you feel too uncomfortable, scared, or hurt, stop immediately. Thinking about the pain and experiencing it are often two very different things. So if you suggested something you are regretting now, make sure you’re using your safe word. 

The Bottom Line

There are many ways to dive deeper into your kink side. Whatever you do, just don’t ignore it! There are no right or wrong choices, and the best way to think about it is as a learning process and experimenting with something new. If you only want your kink to come alive in the bedroom, that’s fine. If you want it to be active 0-24, that’s also fine. Whatever makes you happy and satisfied is the best choice for you!

 

Additional Help Available with LCAT’s Sex Therapy Video:

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

sex therapy videos

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Fetster: BDSM Dating App Like No Other

Fetster: BDSM Dating App Like No Other

 

You have probably already heard about Fetster, a dating app perfect for those who are unable to find what they need on other popular apps like Tinder or Bumble. So, if you’ve spent quite some time trying to find your match on a dating app or two, maybe it’s time to pull out your kink side and explore alternative options!

Fetster is a dating site for BDSM and kink enthusiasts who are looking to spice up their everyday lives and turn their fantasies into reality. However, it’s also for those who are tired of talking to people who will turn out to be a waste of their time. We’re talking about scammers, liars, people looking to hook up who later disappear, married ones who are hiding it, etc. 

Fetster vs other dating apps

The reason why Fetster is becoming so increasingly popular is that it’s a place focusing on sex games instead of selling a fairytale with an expiration date. On Fetster, you can easily find people who are single or in an open relationship, and willing to meet and play. What differentiates it from other dating apps on the market is the ability to search for specific people using filters such as gender, sexual orientation, age, location, body type, sexual preferences, kinks and so much more. 

You can even create your own groups, create pages, write a blog, add links to your website. Friend app members, upload photos and videos, and use numerous other features it has. It’s created in a way that each member determines the level of privacy they wish for each information they share on Fetster, understanding that a person doesn’t want to reveal everything to everyone.

So, if you’ve been wondering what the fuss is about, think about it as a place that connects over similar sexual interests and curiosity rather than being a general dating app with mediocre matching skills. By being a place that gathers all proud sex freaks and also those entering the BDSM world, Fetster tries to avoid scammers and anyone else trying to sell you something you are not interested to buy.

Diving into BDSM

Fetster is so much more than just a dating app as its goal is not to match you with your significant other and write a new chapter of your romantic life yet to explore and learn more about sex and the connection between two human beings. As it’s one of the most popular sites for those wishing to meet other fans of BDSM. You can expect to find all types of kinks there.

If you don’t know what BDSM stands for, it’s an acronym for bondage & discipline, domination & submission, sadism & masochism. Before explaining these erotic behavior groups, it’s important to know that BDSM involves more than just sex. Those practicing it for years even like to call it a philosophy. It’s also about a couple’s dynamic, their perspectives, fantasies, intrigue, and so much more. For them, sex is only one, although very important, aspect of BDSM.

However, if you still aren’t comfortable with letting your kink side out, yet are curious to learn more about it, make sure you do your research before jumping into BDSM. It’s a concept where you need to speak your mind, compromise with the person you decide to share this experience with, and set your limits before getting to the sex part. Also, keep in mind that you can take it slow, and learn about it step by step.

Bondage 

Bondage is a situation of restricting your sexual partner’s movement by using, for instance, handcuffs or ropes. For some people, this type of restraint increases sexual pleasure and produces various sensations in different areas of the body. 

Discipline

Similar to discipline in our everyday lives, discipline here involves a set of rules and punishments which are agreed on before the sexual encounter. It divides the couple into a dominant partner and a submissive one. Putting the dominant partner in charge of the discipline before, during and after sex. 

Dominance

Dominance refers to the act of dominating the other person in sex and outside it. Sometimes, those who are dominating will have different types of arrangement with their sexual partner on how the partner should behave in bed, and even out of it. This can be anything, from clothing style to food habits.

Submission

Where there’s dominance, there’s submission as well. The submissive partner will follow their dominant’s actions by ensuring that regulations from their arrangement are not broken. The dominant (dom) and the submissive (sub) are focused on communication. As it’s the crucial tool for them to set the boundaries, talk about their desires, and give permission to one another. 

Sadomasochism

Sadism is the pleasure of inflicting pain, while masochism is the pleasure of receiving pain from another person. In BDSM sex, a sadist is a person using pain to dominate their partner which gives them both pleasure. Rather than thinking of it as a violent act, BDSM is actually an intense sensation play that sometimes involves pinching. Hitting or any other consensual physical harm to a partner. 

How to Ace Dating Apps

Before we show you how to create a profile on Fester, let’s focus a bit on how to really stand out on all of these dating apps out there. First and most importantly, always be yourself.

Don’t try to sell an unrealistic image of yourself, whether it’s your personality, body or lifestyle. The good thing about dating sites like Fetster is that people connect more over shared interests and sexual desires rather than a well trained body, perfect face or money in the bank account.

Also, don’t reveal all of your cards at once. You don’t have to share everything about yourself, nor do you have to use all your tricks immediately. Leave some topics for other conversations or encounters. Revealing everything about yourself might also make you vulnerable if this person doesn’t contact you again. Instead, play it safe and slow.

Let’s not forget the privacy aspect. Before you start interacting with other people, you will need to fill out your profile with a few pieces of information. Always include information you feel comfortable with. Simply put, if you think that some things shouldn’t be shared with everyone, you should keep it for conversations. After all, you are the one making all the decisions. 

Creating Your Profile on Fetster

Similar to all the other dating sites, you will need to create your unique profile with a username or email and a password. If you’re worried about the membership fee of Fetster, you will be happy to hear that it’s completely free and they are not planning to introduce any type of pricing anytime soon.

Once you’re in, you will be able to look for other members immediately. These are the filters you can use:

  • gender,
  • age,
  • sexual orientation,
  • location,
  • kink,
  • interests,
  • etc.

When it comes to groups, you can make your own if you don’t wish to join already created ones. Your group can be built around the topic(s) of your choice and you can invite any member you want. 

Some of the great free features Fetster’s members can also enjoy are messaging, friending, favorites, unlimited mail, forums, confessions, gift sending and receiving, blogs, links. And so much more. Are you ready to explore your kinky side? 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

BDSM dating

5 Steps for BDSM Dating on Vanilla Apps

5 Steps for BDSM Dating on Vanilla Apps

 

BDSM dating can be a challenge if you don’t want to out yourself to Facebook friends or work colleagues who might be on dating apps. At the same time, if you’re not sure what you’re looking for or want to sprinkle in some vanilla dating, using conventional dating apps can bring you a great variety of potential partners. 

BDSM dating doesn’t have to be much different than any other form of online dating. It is meant to be an easily accessible, instant and safe way of meeting as many new people as possible and can save you a lot of bad dates if done correctly. 

 

1.Ask Yourself “Why?”

Why do you want to use a general dating app instead of a BDSM dating app? It may seem counterintuitive, however more people are on apps like Tinder, Grindr and Bumble than the more specialized kink apps. 

If you use a kink app, you may find that there is a limited variety of people on the app, which means you can run out of potential matches more quickly than with the most popular dating apps. 

Also, there are lots of currently vanilla people who are wanting to explore kink with an experienced partner, so finding matches on a conventional app may be an opportunity to expand your community and meet new people. 

Why do you want to meet people online? Do you feel too exposed attending live kink events or conventions? Do you still feel shame around your kinks? If this is the case, online dating can be a safe and relatively anonymous way to meet people with similar fantasies with less exposure if you’re shy. 

BDSM dating

 

2.Set Your Boundaries

Outside of the boundaries that must come along with a BDSM dating experience, you should also set your boundaries for online dating specifically. 

What questions are you willing and unwilling to answer from matches? If someone isn’t up to speed on coded language or acronyms from the BDSM dating scene, how much are you willing to explain?

Deciding on these things will save you emotional labor and time when interacting with matches. 

You should decide what amount of privacy you are comfortable with- will you use your real name, or just your initials? Do you want a full face photo or something more anonymous? 

Keep in mind, ethical BDSM dating shouldn’t involve any deception or catfishing, though you can be open about hiding certain details until you get to know a match better. For example, maybe you don’t give out your number until you’ve met, or maybe you don’t give out your real name on your profile but will when you are chatting with a match. 

You may even consider not including your kinks on your profile and being open about it with matches later, though this can lead to disappointment if you are looking for kinky folx in the first pace. 

Always remember that your profile is public, so anyone can see what is on there. So only put what you are comfortable with strangers or your co-worker or friend stumbling across if they’re on the app! 

 

3.Find the Code Words

The easiest way to find kinky and kink-curious individuals on vanilla apps is by using the abbreviations, code words and acronyms that describe your kinks. 

Sometimes emoji are used in the community- the unicorn emoji for example, lets people know that you are an individual looking to join a couple for a threesome. 

Saying you like “D/s” means dominance/submissive and describing yourself as “open minded” can be an indicator you are kinky. These words and abbreviations can also help you find other kinksters on the app! Typically, terminology used in BDSM communities will be obvious if you are also a member of that community, so keep an eye out for fellow BDSM dating matches. 

 

4.Be Open to Conversation and Questions

If you are casting a wider net to include kink curious and vanilla partners when BDSM dating, be prepared to answer questions from matches who may not have picked up on your terminology- or even read your entire profile. This happens a lot as people swipe quickly based on appearances. 

Since you have already decided what your boundaries are, answer any questions from matches that you are comfortable answering. Hopefully, they are respectful and genuine!

BDSM dating

If you’ve matched with someone and aren’t sure if they’ve understood you’re kinky, it is worth having a direct conversation. Something like “Hey! Just fyi, I am into _____, if that’s not you’re thing we can unmatch, no hard feelings!” can be effective and quick.

The downside of dating apps is that people can take a turn for the rude, scary or abusive. If someone is speaking to you in a way that is disrespectful or abusive, report, unmatch and block that person without hesitation. Keeping your boundaries firm will make for the best online dating experience. 

 

5.Be Safe & Have Fun

As someone experienced in BDSM dating, you probably already know how to date and have sex in a way that is consensual and safe. It always bears repeating though! 

When meeting a stranger from an app, make sure you are going to a public place, and make sure that you let someone know where you are. Having a friend make a call at some point during the night can give you an opportunity to confirm you are safe, and have a potential escape if you feel the date is not going well and can’t say it outright. 

If you want to meet for play, make sure you feel safe. Hide any valuables in a safe or lock them away, and let a friend know you have someone coming over. This seems over the top, however meeting strangers on apps can have risks that wouldn’t come with traditional courtship or meeting people IRL at events. 

With all that out of the way, have FUN! You’re meeting new people, and are trying new things and that is worth celebrating! BDSM dating can be fun and rewarding and pleasurable if done with safety, boundaries and an open mind. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

BDSM Toys

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys – Part 2

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys

– Part 2 –

 

BDSM toys are more and more popular, and there are so many questions out there! This is Part 2 of our BDSM Toy Series! Part 1 can be found here. 

To help you head to the store (online or otherwise) with curiosity, confidence and good questions, here is a small guide to BDSM toys – from immediate to expert! 

We have a hookup with thekinkshop.com if you need personalized and discreet attention! 

Most intermediate BDSM toys can be safely enjoyed by beginners as well, though they may push your communication and trust boundaries if you (and the humans you are exploring with) are new to BDSM. 

Gagging, light sensations, and blindfolds can be played with safely and intuitively for the most part, you just have to dare to go there!

 

Intermediate BDSM Toys: 

  • Pinwheels/Wartenberg Pinwheels: You probably had one of these in your toy doctor kit as a kid- it looks a little like a pizza cutter, it’s essentially a wheel with poking out spikes that can be dull or slightly sharp for a tingling to prickling sensation as you roll it along skin. 
    • Some are quite sharp and designed for breaking the skin/blood play, so make sure you have the sharpness you and your partner are comfortable with.
    • Any play that involves blood or breaking the skin should be prepped with thorough cleaning and disinfecting of toys as well as the skin being cut. 
    • BDSM ToysAlcohol swabs can be purchased cheaply at any pharmacy.
    • Ask us for a personal recommendation on where you can get trained to do blood play safely! It will be private lessons for a cost with a professional! 
  • Ball Gags: Pretty self explanatory and the poster child of BDSM thanks to movies and tv. The ball gag usually features a rubber, silicone or steel ball that is attached to a strap that wraps around the wearer’s head, with the ball, of course, securely in their mouth.Great for kidnapping fantasies, sub/dom scenarios, and in combo with bondage.
    • Make sure you establish a non-verbal signal as a safe word.
  • Clamps: You can get small clamps for nipples, clitorises, cocks, balls- anywhere that needs a good, firm pinch.
  • Spanking Paddles or Floggers: For much firmer, harder and more painful spanking. 

You can even get paddles that have grooves or spikes for different sensations. A hairbrush is a suitable DIY alternative too!

 

Expert BDSM Toys

This is a mere sampling of the toys available for BDSM experts, as it would be impossible to list everything for every kink. A lot of these toys require some safety precautions and considerations to keep things fun and within your partner’s acceptable boundaries. As always, communicate before trying any of these, and seek out classes or courses on some of these more advanced toys that require a little more technique.

  • Ropes: rope bondage can be a tricky technique to learn, and some of the knots and binds are beautiful works of art. Due to the nature of constricting someone’s body, this is a toy that would benefit from taking a class or two- talk about a fun date night!
  • Electro-Stimulators: There are various toys that provide a safe electric shock, ranging from tingley to downright painful depending on your preference. There are clamps, stickers, and insertables available, so there’s bound to be a toy made for your style of e-stim. If you have a pacemaker, e-stim isn’t recommended as it may interfere with your pacemaker’s settings.
  • Speculums: If you have a vagina and have ever gone for a PAP smear, this is almost exactly what is used by your doctor. Usually made with medical grade steel, it is perfect for Doctor/Patient fantasies, stretching, and training for larger insertable toys/fisting.

There are varieties available for both vaginal and anal play. 

Lube is a great accessory for this toy.

  • Sounding Rods: Sounding is basically pain play that involves inserting items into the urethra of the penis. Surgical grade steel rods in gradual sizes will be safest- you don’t want any sharp edges, no sudden movements and definitely make sure you aren’t pushing the rod far enough to reach the bladder.

This is an example of a toy that requires some knowledge to enjoy safely, but if something ever goes wrong do not hesitate to go to the ER- they have seen it all, and generally don’t judge.

BDSM can be fun, pleasurable and exciting to explore with a willing playmate. 

Chat with your partner and open up about your fantasies- you never know what kinks may come up that could be explored! 

There are amazing online resources and communities surrounding kink and BDSM, so you can seek out information and advice through forums, group chats and even in person conventions. There’s an endless variety of BDSM toys out there, so open your mind and start playing! 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

 

BDSM Toys

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys

 

BDSM toys are getting more and more popular, and there are so many options out there! This is Part 1 of our BDSM Toy Series! 

To help you head to the store (online or otherwise) with curiosity, confidence and good questions, here is a small guide to BDSM toys – from beginner to expert!

 

Prerequisite to Understanding BDSM Toys: 

What is BDSM?

The idea of BDSM toys may be intimidating, though you may be surprised to find you already incorporate some light BDSM or BDSM toys in your sex life!

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

These words may sound extreme and intense, and they can be, however they can also be as tame as using handcuffs or blindfolds or tickling. 

It is a broad and beautiful dynamic to explore! 

In fact, you don’t even have to incorporate what you consider to be sex at all in order to enjoy or participate in BDSM. 

WHAT? It’s true! 

Consent, respect, pleasure, trust and exploration are key elements to incorporating BDSM enjoyably. The most important element of all is CONSENT though, so more on that! 

 

Consent and BDSM

There is a common misconception that BDSM is inherently about hurting your partner or controlling them. Healthy BDSM activities depend on conscious trust, boundaries and ground rules and aftercare (tending to your partner’s emotional and physical needs post-playtime, from clean-up to cuddling to checking in the day and a week after).

Prior to playing, partners can decide who will take on the more dominant role and who will be submissive. 

This doesn’t have to be the same all the time, though it does need to be established explicitly.

Being submissive doesn’t mean the dominant can do whatever they want to you. 

Clear boundaries are established, and your body = your rules.

Great playtime depends on clear consent, and the kink community has a couple terms that clarify this.

  • SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual: Consent is given under circumstances where all players are of sound body and mind and are not under any pressure that may affect their ability to consent. For example, if you are drunk or if a person in a position of authority over you is pressuring you to participate and you feel you can’t say no for fear of repercussions.
  • RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink: Some kinks are messier or more dangerous than others, and anyone participating must be aware of all the risks before truly being able to consent. For example, anything involving bodily fluids, weapons, pain, etc. Have a plan in place should things go wrong, including safe words.

In BDSM a traffic light system can be helpful when discussing which fantasies and kinks are going to be explored- and which ones are a no-fly zone. 

They also make for a quick check-in/safe word when in the heat of playtime:

BDSM Toys

Having your own safe words can also be fun, and you can define them however you wish. Something nonsexual like “pineapple” or something is recommended, especially if you are exploring scenarios that mimic non-consensual interactions (ex: rape fantasy scenarios).  

This is of course just a basic primer on BDSM, so if your curiosity is piqued there are lots of great, non judgmental communities online where you can ask more questions or find friends!

 

Beginner BDSM Toys

Now for the fun stuff! If you are new to BDSM, there are lots of simple toys you can find at a sex shop- or even find around the house! Beginner BDSM toys are about safely and subtly exploring light bondage, tickling, teasing and perhaps a little light spanking.

  • Blindfolds: this is an intro sensory deprivation. Use a scarf, sleeping mask, tie or bandana to keep yourself or your partner from seeing what is happening. This can intensify other senses and give an exciting sense of surprise and suspense! DIY Edition – Try blindfolding with household items like neckties or scarves, or 
  • Handcuffs/ties: Tie or handcuff your partner to the bed or a chair- this can be their hands or their feet or both. This is some light bondage and can make them squirm with desire!
  • Feathers/Ticklers: They kind of look like cat toys (and if you had to sub in a cat toy we wouldn’t judge! Meow!) and are basically anything with feathers or fabric for tickling. These can be especially fun when used in combination with some bondage.  
  • Riding Crops: A lightweight leather or pleather stick essentially, and is a great tool for some light, sharp spanking. Make sure you listen to your lover’s boundaries as it can get painful with harder spanking.
  • Anal plugs/beads: if you are interested in exploring “butt stuff,” there are anal plugs available in every imaginable size. Anal stimulation can be an entirely new sensation to explore, and with some lube and an open mind, you could be in for a LOT of fun!
  • Your own body as a toy: Not sure who wrote this meme, yet who doesn’t want a spank once in a while… a single-handed applause for a beautiful bottom! 

Even rubber bands or hair ties can be gently snapped on your playmate’s body for a short, snappy tingle of pain. 

A feather from your pillow can make for some great tickling if consensual!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Fettlife

Fettlife – The Truth About Fetlife Accounts! 

Fettlife – The Truth About Fetlife Accounts! 

 

Fettlife

As a certified sex therapist, I often get asked “what is fettlife?” 

Just so you know, my brand is “The Sex Healer,” and I also own a private practice, called Life Coaching and Therapy, where we hold a sex-positive perspective at.

I immediately imagine the horror that they must feel asking.

Fetlife.com (sometimes misspelled fettlife) is a website that is essentially known as “Facebook for Kinky people.” 

The back of the website is black and the headlines are in red coloring! 

It appears evidently NSFW (or Not Safe For Work) from the first moment you lay eyes on “Fettlife.” 

Just because you know what fettlife is doesn’t make you part of the community. 

Like regular Facebook, Fetlife.com isn’t really something to be afraid of. 

Treat fetishes, kink, and sexuality mindfully, comprehensively, and with respect. 

The reason for this is because there is still a notion that people who are kinky have a history of “abuse,” therefore, you may get questioned as to why you want to join. 

Local community events on Fetlife.com can help you feel like you are KIND of part of a family though. When you go to the website, you will see you have to make a login. 

 

IMPORTANT MUST KNOWS WHEN MAKING A PROFILE:

  • Nickname – don’t use the name you usually use!
  • Gender – identify how you are comfortable
  • Relationship and sexual orientation
  • Your “role” in kink (such as submissive, Rigger, bottom, Dominant, masochist, etc). 

 

When you get on your page, make a bio! 

Do not put provocative or face photos until you know what you are doing. At first, just explore anonymously. Explore and say you live far away. 

You don’t even have to use your actual name! 

Make sure you practice safety, integrity, radical honesty, and erring on the side of CAUTION! They are still going to be strangers on the internet at first, so practice discretion.

Please know that you have the right to consensual sexual behavior is neither inherently negative nor pathological between adults, unless shown to be otherwise… Fettlife

Fun fact: A fetish is something you have to have in order to complete orgasm. 

People who have a fetish for feet NEED feet to be there to climax, for example. 

Two people can be engaged in the same exact behavior (one partner getting off to the foot fetish – feeling that it is pleasurable and empowering, while for the other person it can be experienced as abusive or troubling (the other partner perhaps). 

 

Visit https://ncsfreedom.org/legal-issues/ with any legal issues that you may get into while discovering fettlife. They are knowledgeable and understanding. I personally am a coalition member of theirs and have had positive experiences! 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Basic Scene Skills for Doms subs

Basic Scene Skills for Doms subs or Those Questioning

Basic Scene Skills for Doms subs or Those Questioning

 

Welcome back to my channel and in this video I am going to talk about the Basic Skills for Doms and subs!

BRINGING you Basic Scene Skills for Doms and subs straight to your home!

Many people are curious about the BDSM’s world and the best recommendation I can give is to read and learn as much information as possible before getting involved in a Doms subs Scene.

In this video I will show you the Basic Scene Skills for Doms subs.

We hope you will take some of this advice to use for your own sexual fun and to be prepared and safe when you get your first BDSM Scene.

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Watch now! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, PornHub, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, Playboy, Maxim, Daily Mail, HeadSpace, and more!

 

GET THE BEDROOM NEGOTIATIONS VANILLA & KINK CHECKLIST!

https://qrzbdtau.pages.infusionsoft.net  ←HERE

GET THE “HOW TO SEDUCE YOUR SPOUSE” E GUIDE

https://lifecoachingandtherapy.com/ ←HERE

 

Watch more:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

bdsm

TAKE A BDSM TEST! BDSM for Couples!

TAKE A BDSM TEST! BDSM for Couples!

 

Have you ever taken a BDSM Test? 

I often compare sex to restaurant menu options. 

How boring would it be for some of you to go to a restaurant with only three or four items on the menu? 

Even if they all tasted excellent, eventually you may get tired of going there. 

Even the best meal can lose its luster if eaten too often.

What you want out of restaurants is options usually, especially if you’re going with someone else. 

There needs to be enough on the menu to offer enough choice for both of you without being overwhelming. The best restaurant owners and chefs obsess over their menus, trying to find the best mix of dishes to suit their clientele.

The same can be said of sex. 

One of the biggest issues couples deal with is when sex gets a bit dull. 

You use the same positions and even have sex on the same one or two days of the week. 

If either of you tries to add something to the “menu,” it feels awkward, like it’s not part of the scheduled programming.

What you need to consider is to open up the menu and to find something new that excites you. 

A BDSM test entices your sexuality into a new realm of feeling and being. 

That’s where BDSM for couples comes in.

 

Entering the World of BDSM for Couples

Experimenting with BDSM is like going to an infinite smorgasbord, where there are limitless options and you can choose what you put on your plate. The food is the different roleplays, props, positions, and other sexual dynamics.

Your kink is your appetite, it’s what decides what you are hungry for and what foods will fill you up.

One of my greatest joys as a sex therapist is helping people embrace their kink – especially after taking a BDSM test.

There are many negative connotations around the word “kink” that go back to puritan roots where thinking or talking about sex, or even feeling sexual were somehow mislabeled as wrong.

Recognizing your kink and using BDSM with your partners is the fastest way to more enjoyable, exciting sex that you can spend a lifetime exploring.

You might be into edgeplay, some sort of fetish, cuckolding, impact play, bondage, or queening. BDSM is a magical world where you get to break into a new understanding of what sex is emotionally and physically.

 

Some Things to Try!

BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) outlines only the foundation of kinky sex. Under the BDSM umbrella you can find a vast spectrum of sexual interests and behavior. Even if you feel like you already know what your kink is, toying with other aspects of BDSM can be incredibly fun and sexually rewarding! Here are some things to try.

 

Zentai Suits:

Japanese sexual culture is heavy into the BDSM scene. Zentai is a skintight bodysuit made from nylon or spandex that covers your whole body. People use it because they love the tight feel of the material around them and the fact that it delays sexual gratification. After all, it makes movement and sensations more restricted.

 

Edgeplay:

Edgeplay refers to some of the kinkier sex out there. Everyone’s idea of edgeplay will be different because their risk tolerance varies. For some people it may mean dripping hot wax on nipples or bare stomachs. Others even bring knife play into the bedroom. Choking is also common in BDSM for couples. The main thing you want to do with edgeplay is take it slowly and make sure you’re doing it with someone cautious and knows what they’re doing.

Tied Up Sex

 

Shibari:

This refers to the Japanese erotic art of knot tying. Partners use a system of intricate knots and positions to play out dominant and submissive sexual fantasies. The great thing about Shibari is that, as you explore this type of sex play, you can learn new knots and methods to level up as you go.

 

Orgasm Denial:

Used to control a partner’s sexual anticipation, orgasm denial offers incredible sexual buildup. If you’ve ever delayed an orgasm purposely, you know that when you do finally climax, it’s more intense and lasts longer. This is typically referred to as edging, not to be confused with edgeplay. Taken further, edging to become complete orgasm denial, where the dominant partner gets to decide when, where, and how the submissive gets to experience climax. This can get extremely hot the longer it goes as anticipation builds and builds.

 

Painslut:

Some people want sex to hurt, and some people want to hurt their partners. As with any other type of sexual encounter, consent here is very important. However, if it’s your kink, it’s your kink, and hopefully, you’ll find someone willing and capable of making the spanking, hair pulling, stepping, or whatever you’re into work!

 

Before You Begin BDSM for Couples

You, and whoever you’re having sex with, need to make sure you set boundaries before engaging in any sort of kink. The goal is to make sure both of you feel comfortable with what’s happening and can communicate when it’s ok to proceed, and also when either of you feel uncomfortable. Giving and acknowledging consent should drive everything you do together.

Additionally, aftercare is a huge part of BDSM for couples. As you push the envelope with sex, you’ll likely experience new sensations and emotions. Those often take time to process.

Imagine being spanked for the first time and feeling pain during sex. While exhilarating, you and your partner should spend some time cuddling and reaffirming each other after sex is over to re-center. It also is a way you and your partner can validate each other in your kink.

Sometimes we feel apprehensive about expressing our innermost sexual identity for fear of judgment or rejection. Some hugging and reassuring kisses go a long way in communicating acceptance.

Don’t wait any longer to embrace your kink! There’s so much out there waiting for you in the sexual world. We’re all wonderful sexual beings full of potential. As you experiment with BDSM and power dynamics in sex, you’ll learn more about yourself, experience more pleasure, and have some amazing sex!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

fetlife

Techniques to Use Fetlife Effectively

Techniques to Use Fetlife Effectively

 

Have you heard of Fetlife? People ask me this question every week!

With this video you will discover what is FETLIFE, how to join the Kinky community and the precautions you MUST take before you start being an active member of FETLIFE.

GET THE BEDROOM NEGOTIATIONS VANILLA & KINK CHECKLIST!

https://qrzbdtau.pages.infusionsoft.net  ←HERE

 

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

Watch now:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.