Polyamory: Jealousy vs Envy
Polyamory: Jealousy vs Envy
What’s the difference between jealousy and envy? We’re taught not to covet or desire something someone else has. It’s ok to aspire, but for generations, we’ve been warned against crossing the line into jealousy and envy.
Even though they’re often interchanged in common language, jealousy and envy aren’t the same. They have different meanings that matter greatly when it comes to our relationships.
Struggling with jealousy is something most couples deal with, but today we’re talking about how people in polyamorous relationships or who are considering polyamory.
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person. Usually, when you’re in a polyamorous relationship, you’re connected to two or more people intimately, and often sexually. This isn’t a side piece or an illicit affair. All partners understand the basic guidelines of polyamory and adjust accordingly.
Polyamory is also commonly referred to as open relationships. On the most basic level, it’s when people feel they can’t restrict feeling attraction and connection to just one person. It’s not that they’re driven by simply the act of sex with other people, but want to enjoy the same love, support, and intimacy with multiple partners.
Bringing up polyamory always triggers mixed reactions. Depending on your age, belief system, how you were raised, current relationship status, and many other factors, you’re either eager to read on or questioning how on earth people navigate life like that.
Well, it’s not easy. But neither is staying in a committed monogamous relationship. The main difference is, instead of dealing with the emotions of one partner, you have to be aware of how you are affecting multiple people. When things are misinterpreted or miscommunicated in intimate relationships, it’s typical for people to get jealous or envious. Keep an open mind as we explore how jealousy and envy affect polyamorous relationships.
Jealousy & Envy: What’s the Difference?
The main difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is when you want something that someone else has. You’re envious of how much attention your partner is giving someone else in a polyamorous relationship. You crave the time they’re spending with someone else or want to hoard or keep things you share between just the two of you.
With jealousy, there’s a fear of something being stolen or taken away from you. You guard things you care about closely to prevent them from slipping away. Jealousy in its worst form can turn nasty and even dangerous.
Navigating Envy in Polyamory
Envy strikes everyone in polyamorous relationships at some point. Both people new to polyamory and the seasoned pros struggle. Particularly for people who were in monogamous relationships opening up to polyamory, avoiding envy is a challenge.
Envy in open relationships is going to happen. The real issue is stopping it from damaging the relationships beyond repair.
One of the best things you can do to combat envy is to encourage frank and frequent communication. Partners who are afraid to express envious feelings can lose confidence in how other partners feel about them. Once they start questioning their footing in an open relationship, it can spell disaster for multiple people who care about them.
Remember, open relationships aren’t easy. Think about the times you’ve questioned your feelings and the feelings of your partner in past monogamous relationships. Now you’re dealing with a situation with much more fluidity and definitions that are new to most of society.
Keep an open mind, talk often, counsel with your therapist, and come to grips that envy will be there and that you can navigate it successfully.
The Stain of Jealousy
Jealousy, not just for polyamorous relationships, can kill. When you or your partner is jealous, there’s resentment and a scarcity mentality that poisons the relationship between you and whoever else you’re in love with.
Jealous lovers are constantly comparing. They measure how much time you’re spending with other people in the relationship, how often you tell them you love them vs how frequently you say it to them. Who has a better sex life, and so on. It’s a constant practice of comparison that pits them against other people in the relationship.
Even in polyamorous relationships with clearly defined boundaries, feelings get hurt. Emotions change and so should your approach to how you deal with emotional reactions from your partners.
Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say. Jealousy will threaten to destroy your relationship if left unchecked.
Keeping Jealousy in Check
The worst thing you can do in a polyamorous relationship is to let jealousy run wild. So many couples just “have” a jealous partner. They laugh about it and avoid the issue by covering it up with humor or avoidance.
Eventually, though, jealousy will build until it craters your relationship. If you truly care about your jealous partner, you need to fight jealousy head-on.
Overcoming jealousy does not mean accommodating their negative behavior. If you respond to jealousy over time spent together by spending more time and sacrificing time with other partners, all you’re doing is reinforcing that jealousy will get them what they want.
Discussing jealousy should be done openly with as many partners as it’s affecting! You should also include your therapist in these discussions to guide you away from hurt feelings and any resentment.
Keeping Your Management Skills Sharp in Polyamory
A lot of Americans find great fulfillment in open relationships. In fact, among younger generations, it seems that moving into polyamory is saving relationships that have been on the rocks previously.
Monogamy certainly isn’t for everyone, but neither is polyamory. If you’re curious, give it a try, but you should be honest with yourself if you recognize that it’s not for you.
Many people are attracted by the thought of the multiples of love by connecting intimately and sexually with more people. However, enter with caution because you’re also managing a web of interpersonal relationships each with individual needs.
The best way to nourish an open, loving relationship is through constant feedback, encouragement, and acts of love. Find out what your partners respond to and do what you can to love them how they need to be loved.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
When to Unleash Your Inner Control Freak
When to Unleash Your Inner Control Freak…And When to Keep It in Check
Society tells us that being a control freak is a bad thing. It’s almost exclusively used as a pejorative, a way to describe someone who’s overbearing and micromanages others. We should all agree that maintaining control is an important social behavior, but when does it cross the link into “control freak” mode?
Like most things in life, context is important when we talk about being a control freak. There are some things, like trying to control the actions and feelings of others that are usually unproductive. Attempts at controlling others often lead to conflict isn’t sustainable long-term.
Being in control, though, of your feelings, emotions, and behaviors, however, is something that we should all be serious about. Hell yes, we should manage our affairs to create the life we want, and if that means being a control freak, then so be it!
There are certain things all of us can control that will have an immediate positive impact on our lives and in relationships. Maybe it’s time we took a look at the word “control freak” and how we feel about it.
Control When More Than One Person is Involved
Control becomes more complicated when dealing with intimate relationships. What happens if what you want collides directly with what your partner wants?
Let’s say, for example, your partner wants to experiment with some light bondage play yet you don’t quite feel comfortable yet. What then?
First, let me say that our safety is something that we should always guard fiercely. Control your ability to stay safe whether it be from emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
There should be no accommodations when it comes to your emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental well-being.
At times, though, letting control go of other things must be done for the benefit of the relationship.
Don’t confuse the right to consent with having sex because your partner is horny on a weeknight.
We all need to work on gaining perspective over what our long-term and most important priorities are and focus on controlling what we can around those.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples
Sexual Cheat Sheet for Exhausted Couples
You may be surprised to hear that more and more men are seeking help from sexual therapists. These days more men are seeking sex therapy than women at our practice.
The availability of sex therapy and more open attitudes around talking about sex and getting help have made men more comfortable seeking therapy. That’s a great thing!
In talking to many of the men I come in contact with, a lot of them express similar feelings with regards to intimacy challenges with female partners. They want sex more, they want it longer, and they sometimes feel like their wives, girlfriends, or partners don’t care as much as they’d like.
In long-term relationships, it can almost feel like you’re playing roles. One of you is more sexual, one is better with the finances. You might be a kid person, while your partner is better with fixing the sink.
It’s easy to fall into defined roles in all aspects of life, even with sex. However, the great news is that things aren’t so set in stone, and you can work with your partner to make things better.
The Ebb and Flow of Sexual Passion
Understand that passion, and certainly, sexual passion rests on a spectrum at any given moment. Think about your sexual desire. Sometimes you’re burning hot with desire for your wife or partner, and sometimes you’re not so on fire.
Think about a time when you’ve been apart for a longer period. Have you ever traveled for work or been away for more than a week? How do you feel if your wife comes out of the bathroom at night dressed in sexy new lingerie or asks you to use a vibrator on her? Chances are that your sex drive and desire for your partner experience a significant spike.
The point is, sexual desire is impacted by so many factors, internal and external. The way you and your partner feel, what’s happened to you during the day, how you’ve been treating each other recently, the way you look, and so many other things influence both of your interest in sex.
Understanding Male and Female Sexual Perception
The frustration that a lot of men have is they feel their female partners are just not into it. There are certainly genetic differences in humans when it comes to sex drive. The variance, though, is probably not as large between men and women as so many people believe.
Most men and women are simply programmed a bit differently. We also project our impressions on our partners, which isn’t always helpful.
A lot of women, for instance, believe their partners are only interested in quickies. So many women tell me their male partners are all about the climax, and that everything else is simply a garnish to them.
That, though, is a huge oversimplification about men's’ sexual motives. Most men want, certainly with their partners, engaging and loving sex that’s fulfilling to everyone involved.
Women, on the other hand, tend to be much more cerebral when it comes to sex. They have to be emotionally engaged and clear of the distractions we carry throughout the day.
Most of the time, women carry a great deal of emotional strain, worried about work, children, the house, and a million other things.
Adding initiating sex at the end of the day to that list can be exhausting. Additionally, many women struggle with not knowing what kind of sex they want or like.
What ends up happening is a lot of “duty sex”, where the male partner initiates, women obliged to please their partner, and everyone is a 6/10 on the happy scale.
Stoking Your Partner’s Passion for Sex
Things don’t have to be this way! Many of the women and men I work with come to realize that sex can be fun and deeply fulfilling for both partners. All it takes is some legwork to understand your partner’s sexual cues and doing the work to get in the right headspace.
For men, and I hate to generalize but this typically rings true, some grabbing and kissing, and a hand on their penis is usually all it takes to set the mood.
Women, though, are not so easy. Here are some ways you can help your female partner feel more comfortable about sex and initiating the type of sex she wants.
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Don’t always bring up sex right before you want to have sex
Find a time to talk about how your sex life has been going and what you want out of it. Telling your partner you’d like to try anal sex as you’re lying naked in bed isn’t the best approach. A partner will feel more comfortable getting feedback and talking about what they’d like if they are sure that you’re paying attention and not discussing it to serve your interests.
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Make-out more with nothing else
You and your partner may have settled into a pattern when both of you (or one of you) equate physical touch with initiating sex. Engage in some kissing and cuddling more often. Small investments over time will help build up your intimacy when sex happens.
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Share physical touch that is focused on her. THEN ASK HER ABOUT IT!
Find time to focus physical touch on her without you orgasming or anything like that. Invest the time in making her feel good about sexual touch and build trust that you’re interested in pleasing her.
After your “touch” sessions, ask her about it! Find out what she liked and didn’t like and use that to inform your interactions going forward.
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Share sexual touch that ends in orgasms for no one
This is another thing you can do to help your wife or partner feel more comfortable with touch and feel aroused. It helps a lot of women to know that you enjoy touching, kissing, and feeling her as much as you like having an orgasm.
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Encourage her to talk about her orgasm the next day. Use encouragement!
Remember to follow up on the times when sex is fantastic. Always offer more positive feedback than you think is necessary.
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Ask about sex dates you can commit to just her, and some dates that are all about you
Many women flourish when boundaries and intent are clear. If you’re both going into a weekend or a night away at a hotel knowing that it’s all about her, then she’ll be more likely to open up. She’ll also have the time to mentally prepare for the intimacy. The better things are for her, the better they’ll be for you when it’s your turn.
Recognize when your partner’s not up for the whole show and only wants a preview. These steps help but there’s so much more you can do! Over time, it will build trust and give her the space to feel comfortable initiating sex.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
Couples Having Sex During Quarantine
Couples Having Sex During Quarantine!
So, today, we will talk about Couples having sex during quarantine and the sexual satisfaction situation this stressful time.
I’m glad that you are interested in joining us in for the topic of providing a considerations for intimate couples having sex during the COVID-19 quarantine.
In this video, I’ll be answering how to have sex during the quarantine even if you are monogamously partnered.
Cannot wait for you to learn how to use these considerations for couples having sex during COVID-19!
Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Watch now! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, PornHub, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, Playboy, Maxim, Daily Mail, HeadSpace, and more!
MORE VIDEOS!
- HOW TO GET OVER SEXUAL ANXIETY FOR MEN
- LEARN HOW TO GET THE PERFECT VAGINA!
- VIDEO ON COMMUNICATING YOUR SEXUAL DESIRES!
WATCH THE VIDEO “HOW TO SEDUCE YOUR SPOUSE”
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If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
Relationships in Covid-19
Relationships in Covid-19
It’s easy to love someone when you’re in control of how much time you spend together. When life’s normal, it feels like we spend a ton of time with the people we love.
However, what about when life’s not normal? How does quarantine change things?
The Covid-19 epidemic has upended a lot of what we think is normal. We’re all working from home, we can’t go out, and when we do, we have to keep a distance between us and other people.
A lot of public figures have tried to put a positive spin on social distancing by encouraging you to spend more time with the people you love. That sounds like a wonderful thing to do, nevertheless you may find it’s not always the easiest.
Unfortunately, the people closest to us often bear the brunt of our stress and frustration over things we can’t control. During these incredibly stressful times, we need to focus on how we can nurture relationships with the people we love and avoid turning on each other.
Recognize the Pressure You’re Under
When you heard your company was going all-week teleworking for the foreseeable future, you probably got a bit excited. You had visions of you and your partner at the dining room table, laptops out, taking turns on conference calls.
You’d switch making nice, home cooked meals for each other and watch the world go by.
If you’ve gone through a week or two of teleworking with family at home, you know by now that the dream is often not the reality. Working from home can feel extremely alienating. Until they’re gone, we don’t notice how sustaining the routine and social interactions we have at work are.
Remote work can feel very lonely, and absent the frequent validation we feel at work. We must take regular self-inventory to come to grips with the emotions we’re going through.
Validate Your Loved Ones
Knowing how much of a strain you’re under, you can bet that your partner is under the same pressures. Even if they are more used to working from home, they’re not used to you being around all the time. There may even be some insecurity about you seeing how they use their time. Maybe they’re worried about how productive they appear around you.
What you can do during Covid-19 isolation is offer more positive feedback and validation to your loved ones. That means your spouse, partner, kids, and whoever you’re at home with.
If your loved one is one of the few that are still going to work because they can’t telework or they’re serving a crucial function (like a healthcare worker), then they probably need even more support.
Periodic Relationship Social Distancing During Covid-19
Maybe one of the benefits of the Covid-19 crisis is that we’re all going to become a bit more emotionally mature. Even though staying at home more could sound like fun at first, you’re likely to find out rather quickly how important having space is.
Even though spending all day with the fam sounds like a dream, it’s gonna get old real quick. You need to practice social distancing indoors as well to keep things harmonious.
Don’t feel like you need to do everything together. Take a walk by yourself. Work in the bedroom one morning. If you’ve got kids, play a board game with them one afternoon so your partner can get some real work done.
Going from spending a few hours together each day to spending ALL day with your partner is a huge adjustment. Make sure you maintain some distance and help each other cope through this difficult time.
Find Ways to Relax
Yes, you should keep exercising during the epidemic. Stress eating is real folks, and a lot of us are doing it. Sadly, we’re not talking about going for an early jog.
I mean, no one works every minute of the workday while they’re at work. We have breaks, stop for lunch, and if you work in an office you probably don’t want to count how many times you’ve checked Instagram or texted with friends.
If you’re new to teleworking, it’s probably going to take a few days, and eventually, you’ll relax and realize that productivity doesn’t mean sitting in front of your computer waiting for an email to come in.
Push away from the table, leave your phone on the counter, and take a breather every once in a while. If you’re stuck inside all day with your partner, go over and scratch their back, take a break and cuddle on the bed. Increasing physical touch is a great stress reliever.
Creative Ways to Work Up a Sweat
Sex is perhaps the greatest stress reducer if done right. For you, with a hectic work schedule and other obligations, it may have been a while since you had sex in the morning or made love on the couch with the TV on.
When routines are thrown out the window during Covid-19, it’s the perfect time to shake your sex routine up as well. Finding creative ways to make love and connect with your partner is exhilarating. It’s the perfect distraction from the chaos around us.
If you want to do your partner a favor, turn it on in the bedroom and get kinky! Break out the toys and maybe even mess with a new identity. Things are wacky right now, so you can blame the experimentation on the times. It’s a great excuse!
Try to sneak a quickie in between virtual work meetings. Commit to having more sex! We’ve all got more time on our hands, so break out of your “weekend only” routines.
Sex, when done right, can be about excitement, connection, intimacy, and so many more things. You can try all sorts of different sex while we’re dealing with the situation, we find ourselves in.
Above everything else, we should find ways to do what we can for those we care about during turbulent Covid-19 times. Reach out, be there, and show love.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
How Females Use Edging to Supercharge Orgasms
How Females Use Edging to Supercharge Orgasms
Sex is fun, yet female edging can make it better!
Every once in a while, though, we need something more to mix things up and explore a little bit.
That’s not to say things get boring, yet sometimes you just have to juice things up.
Intimacy is also all about exploring. Finding more ways to please yourself and your partner. Trying new stuff out should be fun, and make sex more interesting.
Edging refers to when you stay just on the edge of orgasm. It’s a great way to intensify your orgasms and improve your sexual awareness. Read on to hear more about edging and what you can get out of it.
Take Me to the Edge
Whether you’re masturbating alone or having a partner get you there, edging involves all of the foreplay and sexual buildup you normally experience on your way to climax. Once you’re there, though, you pump the brakes and let things rev down a bit, holding back climax.
If you’ve never tried it before, edging can offer a lot of sexual benefits, one of them being stronger, longer-lasting orgasms.
I hope you’ve noticed the difference between a great orgasm and a normal one before. There are times in our lives when we just need to climax to relieve some stress or we’re not up for marathon lovemaking sessions. That’s fine.
However, if you’ve ever had a mind-blowing, bury your face in the pillow screaming orgasm before, you know what it takes to get there. Those orgasms take time and a lot of foreplay. You likely engaged in some manual stimulation, oral sex, and some other awesome acts to get you to that place. Not to mention you’re probably doing it with someone you’re wild for.
Edging is similar in that the longer you wait and the more often you edge and retreat, the more incredible the final climax will eventually be. It’s worth the work, trust me.
Practice Makes Perfect
Edging isn’t easy. Many women who have a hard time orgasming feel like it’s climbing a mountain to simply get there, why would I want to slide back down and do it all over again?
That’s a concern, so the right technique is important to keep you on or as close to the edge as possible.
If you’re flying solo, it’s a good idea to use a vibrator and other toys to keep you stimulated. Just as you’re about to climax, stop any stimulation and pause, letting your blood flow ease a bit.
You’ll feel your orgasm slipping away; however, you don’t want to wait until it’s disappeared.
When you feel like you’re just on the other side of climaxing, resume whatever you were doing, whether it’s pressing your vibrator against your clitoris or using your hand. Work to get right back to the edge and rinse and repeat.
Soon, you’ll be getting goosebumps and your entire body will tingle as you play on the edge with your orgasm.
Edging Will Help with Sexual Awareness
Understanding your arousal cues will help you and your partner have better sex. A lot of people are concerned with their female partners’ sexual satisfaction.
There is a reason so many of us have faked orgasms before. Some of them are pleasers in bed, and a lot of partners revel in a feeling of sexual prowess when the female they’re with experiences orgasm.
Female edging is a wonderful way to get your partner attuned to your orgasm ladder and what it takes to get up there. If you do it enough and your partner is paying attention, pretty soon they’ll know a bit of what turns you on.
When you edge with a partner, it can be even more fun because you can tease each other, and it adds to the sexual dynamic.
There’s a bit of power play as your partner edges you close to orgasm and then moves it away.
You can’t climax unless they “let” you, and some people love that feeling of submission and domination.
Your partner will be laser-focused on your breathing, the sounds you’re making, and the way your body moves in response to touch that elevates the sexual experience for both of you.
Both of you will be engaged in a careful intimate interplay with greater connection and pleasure.
Using Female Edging with Masturbation
A lot of the time, you just need a one on one quickie. You’ve got to get to work, the kids will be up soon, or a million other things hinder your ability to take it slow when you masturbate.
That’s not the time to try edging. You’ll likely just end up frustrated.
However, when you have some decent alone time set aside, break out the toys and some lubrication and settle in for some you time.
Female edging while you masturbate may help you overcome obstacles that you face when it comes to partnered sex.
You can learn to better control your arousal, speeding and slowing down as necessary. You can experiment with different levels of pressure, vibration cadences, and simultaneously touching your clitoris and tease the opening of the vagina to see how your arousal changes.
A Little Taunting Can Be Sexy!
Some individuals enjoy one orgasm, and then lose interest in longer sexual encounters. Female edging adds a playful element that can keep you interested by playing on the edge of climax.
Once your partner has you in that edging zone, they’ll love the power they have to play with your body and tease you with the thought of orgasm.
One second, they’re pressing a vibrator against you, and the next they’re pressing their tongue or fingers against your clitoris, going back and forth at just the right speed to make sure you don’t go over the edge.
When the time is right, when you can’t stand it anymore, you’re definitely in for a treat. The prolonged foreplay and lengthy stimulation will deliver an incredible orgasm that’s better than most you’ve ever had before.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist
Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist
Divorce is tough, there’s no getting around it. No matter how bad things get, and no matter how happy you might think you’ll be after it’s over, most people are woefully unprepared for the realities of divorced life.
It’s easy in the middle of screaming fights or after going months without sex to think about how great life will be once the divorce is final. We get seduced into dreaming about starting over in a new, perfect life.
What you don’t realize, though, is that when a marriage ends, a lot more goes out the door with it. Your life changes. Yes, you’re removing something that was potentially abusive and traumatic from your life, however, some positives get sacrificed on the altar of divorce every day.
Managing the disruptive ripples of divorce is one of the main reasons people need therapy during, and after, the process. Here are some of the ways a licensed therapist can help you deal with everything divorce entails.
Dealing with Social Rearrangement
Depending on how long you’ve been married, it’s hard to imagine what life will be like alone. A lot of times, we fall into this trap where we imagine our lives will revert to what it was like before we met our spouse.
We don’t account for how we’ve changed. Your priorities, career, age, and a whole bunch of other things are different. You might have kids, pets, and different friends.
Dealing with the social aspect of divorce can be trying, especially when we’re vulnerable and need to rely on friends. What happens when all of your friends are married couples that you met with your ex or soon to be ex-spouse?
You may go looking for a shoulder to cry on, only to discover that your “friend” has already chosen sides, and it’s not yours. You’re also going to have to manage your feelings when your friends want to maintain relationships with both of you even though you’re no longer together.
Losing friends is a part of divorce most people don’t think about.
What About All of the Logistics?
Therapists can be a “divorce coach” for all intents and purposes. Odds are, they’ve dealt with several divorcees in the past. They know what’s involved in the process.
A therapist can help you sift through the minutiae of divorce to help you make sure you’re not taken advantage of.
They’ll draw on other clients’ experiences to advise you on things you might be overlooking, like coming to an agreement over visitation rights, the right approach to dealing with in-laws after a divorce and splitting up your possessions.
Separating lives that have been intertwined for so long is extremely challenging. It’s also overwhelming. Dealing with the stress of divorce makes a lot of people want to throw up their hands and say, “Forget it!” over a lot of things that will matter to them down the road.
Divorce is one of the main causes of financial hardship. High legal costs, the long time it takes to unwind joint assets, having to sell your house quickly to settle your affairs, and other logistical decisions will have a huge impact on your life ahead.
Having a therapist who you can trust who’s dealt with divorce in the past can be a guide you can lean on for advice when things get rough.
Helping You Keep Your Kids Centered
It’s bad enough to go through a divorce, but it can be even worse when kids are involved. When you love your children so much, it’s hard to imagine not being able to see them every day or have total control over how they’re raised.
Children that go through a divorce all experience trauma to some extent. The separation of a family unit, no matter how amicable, is never the same.
Children also aren’t always the most understanding. They may not recognize that you need or needed a divorce to protect yourself and live happily. They may resent you for your decisions.
A therapist will help you work through a divorce and mitigate risks to your children and the relationships you have with them. It will keep you focused on considering their well-being even when they seem to be doing alright.
Therapists Can Help You Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes
In most divorces, couples share the blame. Yes, there are situations where a spouse is abusive or manipulative, and those certainly should end in divorce. Most, though, happens when a couple is no longer able to overcome resentment. Heels are dug in too deep and no one’s willing to give anymore.
What many people don’t realize, is that they assign the reason for their divorce to the individual to whom they were married. It was a difference of personality or you fell out of love.
So many things, though, drive us toward divorce. Whether it’s childhood trauma, failure to deal with our parents’ divorce, depression, shame, or some other issue, there are personal influences in all of us that contribute to divorce.
Therapists work with clients to identify obstacles to connection and any destructive patterns we repeat. Too many of my clients have felt like they just met the wrong person, and that they’ll get it right the next time around. Their ex was just a bad apple and they didn’t see it early enough.
Unfortunately, success rates for second and third marriages aren’t any better. They’re even worse. According to Psychology Today, second marriages end in divorce 67% of the time, and 73% of third marriages end in a split.
Perhaps, after one divorce, we’ve normalized separating a bit, so the idea of leaving is less taboo the second or third time around.
Working with a therapist can help you get to the root of issues holding you back from making a real connection and building loving relationships in the future. With hard work, you can break the pattern of mistrust, insecurity, shame, or whatever else is standing in your way.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
When Is Porn Cheating? Identifying Porn Use That Crosses the Line
When Is Porn Cheating? Identifying Porn Use That Crosses the Line
Ooh, when someone asked me “is porn cheating” the other day, I thought “this is a touchy subject.”
In the past ten years, I have seen this as one of most gender-divided topics that other-sex couples struggle with everywhere, and one that same-sex couples often disagree on.
Does looking at porn constitutes infidelity or cheating?
Views on pornography are all over the place. It’s still a relatively new phenomenon in our society to have access to this material from any place at any time.
Before the internet, pornography was relegated to dimly lit adult stores, hidden in homes, or inside magazines. There was much more stigma around porn, and it was regulated.
These days, pornography is everywhere. Any barrier to viewing and using porn is simply a formality.
Knowing this, you have to understand that you and your partner will be exposed to more pornography than ever before. It’s a fact we all have to deal with today.
How you view the use of porn will depend on your upbringing, religion, your views on the industry and also how you feel it affects the intimate relationship with your partner.
As usual, avoiding absolutes and working with your partner, with the help of a therapist if necessary, can help you both arrive at a place of love and understanding when it comes to porn.
Avoid Porn Shaming
On average, women are around two times more likely than men to report that they never use porn. It’s probably easy for people to understand why porn use is higher among men, yet that doesn’t mean women don’t view and enjoy pornography.
Let me just say it. Your partner has, is, or will likely use pornography at some point during their life.
Realizing that now before you come across it on their phone or computer will save you some heartache when it happens. Any person that says they have not ever seen any pornography may be lying.
Knowing that there are a majority of individuals who have viewed porn at some point should deter you from taking a stern approach if you’re unsettled about your partner’s porn use.
You may ask “is porn cheating?” and I would say that irregardless, the worst thing you can do is use shame as a motivator to try and change your partner’s behavior.
That’s true with porn and just about every other scenario.
An understanding approach to dealing with pornography in a committed relationship or marriage will help both of you to be open and honest, as well as find a solution that hopefully works and contributes to trust between you.
Even if there are bigger issues like porn compulsion, shame is not the way to get someone to change.
Do You REALLY Want to Know?
Don’t kid yourself about how you’ll feel when you find out what your partner is doing while you’re not looking. If you want to know what’s going on, you’re likely going to be surprised at how often your partner uses porn, much less what they are into online.
A lot of individuals approach watching porn online as a fun, stress-relieving activity.
They might even be curious at times, searching for some far-out fantasy they have or a certain type of porn that’s not something the two of you have played around with in your intimacy.
How are you going to react if you discover your partner is really into watching threesome videos or bondage porn?
DO NOT jump to conclusions thinking your partner is unhappy or that their porn viewing habits mean that they are unsatisfied with you. Because, that’s usually not the case.
It’s fine if you want to have an open conversation about porn with your partner, just be prepared for if, and that’s a BIG if, they’re completely forthcoming.
When Porn Use Crosses the Line
Just like with many other things in a committed relationship, porn use crosses the line when it involves deception.
Omitting the truth about porn use can be a red flag. Not being truthful can lead to a slippery slope. It can push the boundaries of what one partner is willing to keep from the other.
We’re not talking about saying you watch porn “a few times a week,” when in fact it’s every day.
When taken to extremes, omissions of truth can help people justify hiding things like affairs or irresponsible financial decisions that impact both parts of a couple and the family system.
Therapists deal regularly with people who are opposed to pornography for religious beliefs and other ideologies. For some people, it’s a redline that if crossed means a major betrayal of trust.
That shouldn’t be taken lightly.
It’s hugely disruptive when you enter into a relationship with a common understanding that deteriorates over time.
Even outside of pornography, imagine discovering your partner doing something both of you vowed to avoid when you committed to each other in the beginning.
What if you’re against drug use and you find out that your partner loves smoking weed? Would it be a dealbreaker?
What if you thought your partner was satisfied, but really they have been faking orgasms with you a majority of the relationship? Would that justify a betrayal?
So, Is Porn Cheating?
Porn is cheating when you’re actively hiding it from your partner. That means viewing it after you’ve told them you wouldn’t or when you hide it from them, so they don’t even THINK about needing to ask.
Cheating doesn’t always mean you’ve slept with someone else without permission.
It means you violated the trust in your relationship and cheated on the spoken and non-verbal guidelines that are the foundation of the bond you have. It’s also a major issue if it takes away from your intimacy.
Open Communication Is Crucial
Our partners can be sensitive to our porn use, because of moral beliefs or finding out you’re looking at porn triggers insecurities in them.
Am I not enough for you? What is it about me that isn’t filling that sexual hunger? If my partner is watching porn, will it eventually lead to an affair?
These concerns are not only legitimate, but doubly so if you or your partner are deceitful about pornography habits.
The solution to porn use, and most other relationship challenges, is open communication and honesty. Laying out the vulnerable parts of you on the table and finding a way to be on the same team and find a win together!
If you’re a porn user, don’t hide it.
You don’t need to report every time you look at porn or masturbate, yet don’t project one image and then lead some sort of double life.
If your partner is using porn and you’re concerned about it, try to have an open mind. Don’t be quick to make ultimatums or create shame. That can make things worse. WAY WORSE!
Encourage each other to be honest and accepting. Collaboration is the real key here.
As you grow older and more mature in your relationship, hopefully fewer things will become real deal breakers, because you’ll realize we’re all human, and that comes with a lot of imperfection. However with imperfection and growth, there is potential for more beauty and greatness.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
Behind the Sex Therapy Scenes! I Caught My Wife Masturbating!
Behind the Sex Therapy Scenes! I Caught My Wife Masturbating!
“Help! I caught my wife masturbating!”
Even though we are living in the most open society ever when it comes to sexuality, we still live with so many taboos.
Our fetishes have to live in this weird world of moving boundaries, where one minute you’re being sexually expressive, and the next minute you’re labeled as a freak. Even freaks can be good, up to a point, right? When and where we draw these implicit lines are complex and sometimes silly.
Have you ever been caught masturbating? There you were, feeling some kinda way all by yourself. Maybe you caught a hot scene in a movie, or an old crush flashed through your brain. The next thing you know you’re in your room doing your thing and Wham!, the door swings open.
You shuffle your pants around or dive onto your side to face away, but your reaction probably made whatever you were doing way more obvious. It’s happened to so many of us, mostly in childhood, that we still to this day carry complex feelings of shame, embarrassment, and even guilt around jerking off.
What Is It About Self-Touch that makes it feel like “Too Much?”
Most have tried it, and of those who have tried, the majority continue to DO it, so what’s the big deal about self-touch feeling like too much?
Why specifically is there so much embarrassment when it comes to catching your wife masturbating?
Thanks to so many scenes in comedies and enough high-profile celebrity masturbation scandals, men catch a break on yanking it more than women do.
For reasons that stem back centuries, the idea of your wife or female partner self-pleasuring can come as a shock.
Women's pleasure has come a long way since the idea that their main purpose is to OFFER sexual pleasure and carry children, yet there’s still a lot of stigma tied up in the way we please ourselves.
If you’re here reading this and you haven’t caught your wife masturbating YET, first realize that she probably enjoys masturbation (maybe even as much as you do if you engage in self-touch).
How often she does it, where, and to what is her business. If she feels like telling you, that’s her prerogative and it would be a great way to introduce more trust in your relationship if you approach the conversation with curiosity instead of criticism or embarrassment.
Catching Your Wife in the Act
If you’re together long enough, odds are you’re going to catch your wife engaging in a bit of one on one time at some point. You might walk in on her taking a bath or come home from work early one day to find her in her pleasure.
Some people I speak with come to sex therapy with a lot of shame and embarrassment that catching their spouse masturbating is some sort of betrayal.
I often like to bring up the point that consent and communication prior to being “caught” is ideal.
For those of you who believe that all sexual encounters should involve the two of you, I would have you wonder if you hold yourself to that same standard and WHERE did this standard originate?
Catching your wife masturbating does not have to be the end of your sexual life. It can be the beginning of opening a door to deeper discussions about sensual and sexual pleasure.
How to Stop the Embarrassment After Catching Someone Masturbating
Here’s some food for thought on how you can handle the situation.
Prep Yourself – Repeat after me, “There’s nothing wrong with masturbation.” There you go. That’s the mindset you need. It will serve you well in dealing with your own sexuality, your wife’s sexual expression, and if you ever decide to have kids.
When you understand that there’s nothing to be ashamed of related to self-pleasure, then you’ll handle the situation much better.
Mind Your Manners - If you do catch your wife masturbating, treat the situation appropriately. Hopefully, your wife isn’t embarrassed about having sex with you, yet if your friend or family member walked in, the two of you might feel slightly embarrassed.
That’s because engaging in sexual acts - even masturbation - involves opening oneself up to vulnerability. You have to let your guard down to relax enough to accomplish the mission before you, so naturally, getting caught masturbating will be a little startling.
The best thing you do if you come across your wife, or anyone else for that matter, masturbating, is to be accountable and then find somewhere else to go, as soon as possible. I suggest going to take a shower and meditating to center yourself.
Don’t sit yourself down next to her to talk about it. Give her some space, as you intruded on an activity between her and her body.
Follow up later on with another apology and leave it at that. You might also try to make light of the situation. If masturbation isn’t something the two of you have discussed, she might feel a bit awkward.
Drop a light-hearted line about how you are glad she is experiencing pleasure and move on. It’ll break the ice in a way that lets you both know it’s not a big deal.
Follow Her Cues – Any discussion about masturbation and self-pleasure going forward can be on her terms. Let her bring it up.
Don’t think for a second that it’s on you to discuss or that there’s some issue to resolve. Keep your emotional responses to yourself, because I suggest that they are about you, and wait for her to talk about it – if she wants.
Be Encouraging – Masturbation can be a healthy behavior. It’s a wonderful way for people to be mindful about their own bodies, relieve stress, and find out accurately some of the ways that they like to be touched.
If anything, you can be GLAD you caught your wife masturbating!
Therapists deal with couples all the time that are sexually frustrated.
For any number of reasons, wives struggle to feel comfortable with their bodies and being touched with a partner; because they have their ways they like to be touched and pleased as well.
Many women have guilt about taking 20-30 minutes to achieve an orgasm, and more wives than I care to mention associate feeling aroused with something to be shameful about.
Sometimes, it also takes one partner a longer time to get into the mood because they are more focused on the emotional labor of the home or the relationship.
Open the Doors to More Sexual Exploration
Now, if the stars align, your wife may want to talk about masturbation. You have two choices. First, you can feel insecure that your wife is self-pleasuring and take that as some personal affront on your sexuality and the bond the two of you have. That route is ridiculous and will get you nowhere.
Second, you can use the conversation – remember, started by your wife – to open your relationship up to greater sexual experiences.
If you choose correctly, not only will your wife feel better about herself sexually, but she’ll also be more inclined to include you and open up to you when it comes to sex.
Plenty of couples masturbate together, watch each other masturbate, or feed their partner’s masturbation with scintillating texts, pictures, and videos. Your wife may start to feel more comfortable masturbating during sex.
If you find yourself on the road traveling, your wife might be more inclined to engage in some phone sex. Anything you can do to make your wife more comfortable touching herself and feeling sexy is the right decision.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.
Is My Relationship Over?
Is My Relationship Over?
As a sex therapist, I am often told stories and then asked “is my relationship over?”
This is a tough one. Knowing if, and when, your relationship is over is never easy.
How could something that started so lovingly and bright decay into something where you are questioning is my relationship over?
Dealing with a struggling relationship is complex. Some moments you’re wishing you never met, and the next you remember good times in years past and wondering if it is salvageable.
Every relationship has some kind of volatility. Some ups and downs are great.
They test our resolve and commitment to each other.
Arguments and miscommunications are learning opportunities where you can examine your behavior and your partners, and work on self-improvement.
Ideally, you’re with someone who pushes you to become better than you were before you met and opens you up to new experiences.
What happens when things aren’t so great? When the lows become more frequent, it can be harder to remember the highs.
The Slow Descent into Disconnection
Even in the more dire relationships, there are early warning signs that things aren’t right. It’s easy to look at something like infidelity and assign blame because it’s a climactic event.
It’s disruptive and so in your face.
Many times, though, those issues are said to be an outward expression of inner sadness, anger, and disappointment that has festered for years.
This doesn’t excuse any lying, coercive, or destructive behavior like unfaithfulness; it illustrates how many people are often unconscious to the turmoil that is within their relationships.
What ends up happening, in my opinion, is that emotions seem to build even more, despite people saying or thinking they can handle the status quo of their romantic relationships.
When A Breakup is the Best Option
The bottom line is that some relationships won’t last. Just look at how many of us get divorced every year. No matter how much everyone says this is forever, some things fall apart.
As relationships crumble, there are clear warning signs that you can either accept or choose to ignore.
Typically, when resentment and criticism become a staple of your communication, that’s a major red flag.
You may also be giving each other the silent treatment more. If you spend hours in silence and are avoiding the conversations about the state of the marriage, your sexual relationship, your needs, and your feelings, you will lose out on years of intimate time together.
An obvious warning sign to answer “is my relationship over” is when both of you refuse to accept responsibility for something you may have done (or said) wrong because you’ve built up so much resentment that you refuse to accept blame.
Either that or, sometimes you are so angry at your partner that you don’t care if you were wrong.
When this happens, we are often at our most core inner triggers and family of origin attachment styles.
The Importance of Self-Love
When you’re in a rough patch with your partner, depending on your personality, you may be tempted to accept an outsized portion of the blame.
What happens, though, is that you endanger your sense of self-worth. Sacrifice in relationships is important, only to the degree that it does not interfere with your ability to meet your own needs.
Do not put yourself in a situation where you may be doing long-term damage to your confidence and self-esteem. You may end up with a warped view of what love is.
In the face of willfulness, domestic violence, and more contempt, resentment, or criticism than you feel comfortable with for your own sense of self-worth, the best choice can be to walk away.
However cliché this sounds, letting someone go can be a true expression of love.
After all, what’s worse, letting them and yourself free, or taking both of you down in flames, along with your family and friends, to the bitter end?
The thought of separation from a long-term partner or someone you loved so deeply once is often terrifying.
It’s hard to see now that ending a relationship can lead to happiness in the future.
When It’s Worth the Fight
I’ll say this, as a systemic therapist and working in the field of trauma, I do not believe any romantic relationship is irreparable if everyone is willing to work on it.
Everything can be fixed as long as you’re willing to put in the effort.
Know this, though, that fighting to save a relationship that many people from the outside looking in would say is over may be like clawing your way out of quicksand.
When things become so dire that you think breaking up is around the corner, walking yourself away from that edge can be very difficult.
It’s all about whether you’re willing to change, and that goes for your partner too.
How can you bring yourself to express love to your partner when it’s been months or years since they gave you any sort of affirmation?
How can you apologize for something that hurt your partner when you feel like you’ve done nothing wrong and are just trying to get your own needs met?
Resolving differences in a relationship that’s on life support is multiples harder than what any securely-attached and more integrated couple has to deal with.
There are layers of built-up resentment, insecurities, and hurt feelings to navigate. The key is whether each of you is willing and capable of taking small, meaningful steps toward reconciliation.
If there is a sincere effort, little by little, acts of goodwill, physical affection, acts of service, and other expressions of love will start creeping back in.
Repetitive positive changes of behavior build trust. However, if it took you years to get to this place, you have to know it will take time to get out!
The real concern is whether enough goodwill can be built up in time before the next storm hits and you face conflict, which inevitably will happen again.
If you and your partner have both experienced trauma and you are asking “is my relationship over,” the stakes appear much higher.
There is rarely a bank of understanding where each of you has been making deposits for years.
One mistake triggers whatever trauma the both of you have been through, and then resentment and criticism threaten to rise again like flames out of a volcano (it’s that Pele energy).
How Your Therapist Can Help
Working with a licensed therapist won’t solve all of your relationship problems overnight.
It’s no panacea that will transport you and your partner instantly back to the good old days when things were romantic, deep, and exciting.
A competent therapist can help you come to grips with what you’re feeling, which will guide you towards greater understanding.
When you understand who you are and what you’re feeling more, it helps generate the determination to make decisions that will benefit you.
If that means getting out of a relationship with no heartbeat, then so be it. Sometimes that has to happen for you to be who you need to be.
And, if greater understanding can help you hang on, and ultimately improve, a relationship you still want and cherish, then a therapist can help facilitate the healing that needs to take place.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.
Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.