Couples Therapy Internship: What To Expect

Couples Therapy Internship: What To Expect

 

We tend to think that a couples therapy internship is something time limited. Although can be true, some couples therapy internships are extended beyond their one year contract. I know for me, this was the case and many of my other friends who had internships. 

Therefore, if you feel unhappy together and are considering breaking up with each other. Seeing a couples therapy intern could be a good decision for you.

Couples therapy internships are there to help couples solve issues. And remove obstacles in a relationship that typically prevents the couple from being intimate. Similarly, it also strengthens the connection between these two individuals by providing them with tools and techniques that help them understand each other. 

Regardless of whether your relationship is at its peak moments or you’re both struggling to find a reason to stay together. You can consider seeing a therapist who is completing a couples therapy internship. 

In the first scenario, it will help you maintain things just the way they are and prepare you how to deal with issues successfully when they appear to not harm your happiness. In the second scenario, the therapy will show you and your partner a new way of communicating that is not destructive. And brings you closer to your shared goal, whichever goal might be. 

Share Information About Your Relationship

A therapist will need to learn information about your relationship and you as individuals. Typically, the first session helps your therapist to get to know each of you on a personal level. Prepare to be asked a wide range of questions, from your childhood experiences and your family to how you met each other and the reasons for falling in love. 

While you both might be eager to jump into the discussion and share with the therapist the last argument you just had when leaving home, trust the process. Your therapist first needs the information about you as a couple to be able to understand the roots of the problems appearing in the relationship and find solutions that will work for you.

Don’t expect to go into details about your problems in your first session. Many people get discouraged after their first session because they haven’t talked in detail about the issues they are having with their partner. However, a therapist cannot advise on your relationship if they do not know you. The first sessions are about gathering information, whether it is a therapist or a therapy intern. 

Going to the Root of the Problems

There are many reasons why couples decide to go to couples therapy, with most of them involving having the same arguments over and over again, avoiding fighting and ignoring problems, and physical intimacy problems. 

Instead of worrying about what the therapist will say, you should think about all the issues you wish to address in the therapy. Also, don’t just prepare all arguments against your partner. Take a moment to see which of your actions are leading to heated discussions and which aspects of your personality are not that beneficial for yourself and your relationship.

Another thing that many couples do when going into therapy is having a strong opinion about the main problem of their relationship. For instance, you might feel that all the issues in the relationship arise from a lack of physical intimacy. And your therapist might discover that your relationship actually lacks trust and communication. 

While sharing your concerns in therapy, your therapist will be the one connecting the dots and seeking the root of your problem. They will also be the ones suggesting solutions and methods that will help you maintain a fulfilled, healthy relationship. 

Setting Goals and a Timeline

Once the couple is aware of the root of their relationship problem, they can start developing their goals for therapy. Usually, a therapist will assist you as a couple to determine these goals. After all, not all couples will have the same goals. Maybe you wish to fall in love again or enhance your communication. Maybe you wish to fight less because your children are always in the middle of it. Your goal will be tied to the solution of the main problem in your relationship. 

Of course, some couples will decide that the best goal for couples therapy is ending the relationship on good terms. During therapy, couples who are exhausted from fighting and really don’t see things changing in the near future might realize that there is nothing more to save in their relationship. Here, the therapy will serve them to learn how to let go of their relationship and all the problems healthily. This becomes incredibly valuable when stepping into a new relationship because the individuals from the relationship will not bring their old-relationship problems into a new one. 

Also, your couple therapy goals can change over the course of therapy. However, setting the goals is important because it provides couples with direction and it puts them on the same team as opposed to fighting each other all the time. Once the goals are determined, your therapist will help you develop a timeline. In other words, this takes into account how many months or years of therapy you will need to solve your main problems. This time can be also seen as a new, exciting period of a relationship.

Learning New Skills

You cannot solve the problem by applying the same method over and over again. If it didn’t work once, twice, or three times, you should probably seek a better solution. In couples therapy, couples are learning new skills that will benefit their relationship outside the sessions as well. 

The most common skills a couple will learn in therapy are: 

  • Communication skills,
  • Patience,
  • Forgiveness,
  • Trust and honesty,
  • Selflessness,
  • Stress management.

The majority of couples will have these skills, yet they forget about them at some point in the relationship. Therapy will remind you of how these skills can improve your relationship and bring you closer to your partner. Also, your couples therapy internship therapist will share methods to practice at home if you desire. After all, the most important work in therapy can be done at home with your partner. 

Your couples therapy internship therapist is providing you with guidance and valuable information, yet they are not able to repair a relationship on their own. That is why it is essential for you to do everything you can to rebuild the relationship and feel intimate with each other again. 

To see some of our fabulous couples therapy internship therapists, please grab a spot by emailing info@LCATLLC.com. They offer low rate cash sessions and a variety of options between telehealth and in person spots. 

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Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

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LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

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Top Phrases That Doomed Couples Say

Top Phrases That Doomed Couples Say

 

If you’re wondering what might be these top phrases that doomed couples say, you’ll be surprised how many times you have heard them so far. Whether it’s from parents in your child’s school, your neighbors, or your colleagues at work, how someone talks and what they talk about tells a lot about their relationship and life in general. 

For instance, couples that are trying to make you feel miserable, trying to make you live their lives, or putting you in the middle of their drama are some of the situations we’ll cover in this article. Words are a powerful weapon, yet they are also a great indicator of relationship quality.

Maybe you have an old friend and you’re worried about their partner not being the best choice for them or you don’t want to be near messy relationships. Whatever the reason might be, these phrases will help you understand when you should stop spending time with a couple that takes the fun out of every lovely dinner or barbeque party.

1. “This was the first time we fought in public.”

You’re at a great restaurant with this couple your spouse invited after a business meeting and as much as you were looking forward to it, the tension between the couple destroyed the entire night. They are sarcastically responding and interrupting each other until the moment when things get so heated that they start to fight loud in front of you and the entire restaurant. 

After the fight, they will start apologizing and saying this was the first time they fought in public. They will show all the signs of embarrassment and ask you to forgive them. However, this type of couple rarely does only one show like this in their relationship and you might end up in the middle of another scene if you continue spending time with them. 

2. “You have to have kids, it will fulfill your life just like it did to us.”

When will you get married? When will you two have kids? Why don’t you work on the second child so your kid doesn’t feel lonely? 

How many times have you heard these questions from your family, distant relatives, and colleagues, and when a couple with kids starts asking these questions, they become even more frustrated. Many couples who others will only be happy if they do the same things they did are not happy at all. 

These people rarely don’t know what happiness or fulfillment is because happiness can mean different things to different people. One person can be perfectly happy in a marriage with children, while another will feel more fulfilled with their career or having a vivid social life. 

3. “You can do so much better.”

Although we’ve all been in one of those relationships where we know that the other person is not right for us, judging your new date just on their looks or the short amount of time a couple spent talking to your date is unacceptable. Mostly, this phrase will refer to the way someone looks or their profession, and doesn’t consider other. More relevant factors like the connection you two share, their emotional intelligence, the way they treat you, etc.

Many couples who believe that their status is the most important thing on the planet will try to get you in that game with them. They will advise you to spend too much money on clothes you can’t afford, go out only with people who are at your level or higher, go with them on luxury trips, and more. Yet, if this is not something you are looking for yourself, this type of comment might make you feel uncomfortable and the best thing would be just to leave with your date.

4. “Men/women here are difficult to date, you should try to find someone in more exotic countries.”

Don’t take dating advice from people who blame the entire culture when it’s difficult to find someone to click with. There is indeed nothing wrong with falling in love with someone from a different country, yet that isn’t the factor that will make someone a more desirable partner. If the person is interesting to you, it truly doesn’t matter if they are from your city, another country. Or even continent. 

By following such advice, you are setting yourself up for failure. You don’t fall in love with someone’s culture, you fall in love with them as a person. If you haven’t been on a nice date for a while, the least you can do is not to listen to a couple who has been in your shoes long ago.

5. “We’re the nicest couple you’ll ever meet.”

 Wow, how many times have you heard this one? Typically, those who will say they are the nicest couple or persons are the opposite of it in general. That said, it doesn’t mean they will convert to your worst enemies. It simply means that these people feed off impressing other people and not making real connections with them.

They will often lack social skills and emotional intelligence. So when talking to them each time, you might feel like they are not listening to you or don’t care about you. And probably, you are right. While you’re interacting with them, they are already scanning the room to find a new person to impress.

The Bottom Line

You will know you are talking to a doomed couple if, during the conversation. They are making you feel uncomfortable in any way. They can be passive-aggressive with a smile on their face and seem like they are trying their best to be your friends, yet something doesn’t feel right. You will often not know how to describe it or explain it to another person, and you will not have to. If you feel this way, it means that you are dealing with a doomed couple. So, the best thing to do would be to just leave and never put yourself in this type of situation anymore.

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Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Divorce Therapy

All The Benefits of Divorce Therapy For Couples With Kids

All The Benefits of Divorce Therapy For Couples With Kids

 

Separating from someone is never easy, especially if you’re a married couple considering whether divorce therapy is needed to manage all the emotional chaos you and your family are going through. Without a doubt, going through a divorce will affect you even more if you’re married with kids. 

As you’re trying to work towards separation with your spouse, it’s vital to constantly keep in mind how every decision will impact your children. For them, divorce will cause a range of emotions, from confusion and sadness to anxiety and frustration if they are not the main focus of their parents in such situations. 

Many married couples might think that divorce therapy is unnecessary if they both agreed that the divorce is the best outcome for them, however when married with children, there is an incredible value of having a therapist helping your family find the best solution for everyone involved.  

1. Your Kids Are Included In All Your Decisions

There are many couples who will wrongly assume that if they both agree on getting a divorce, their children will not be affected emotionally. Unfortunately, this can be further from the truth. You and your spouse can even stay best friends after the divorce, yet the change will have an impact on your children. 

They might not show it immediately or talk to you openly about it, yet changing the perspective of home for a child is never easy. Even moving to another city can be very stressful for them, then imagine how separation of their parents will affect them.

You should also think about suggesting a separate therapy for your kids to ensure they have space to talk to someone they will build trust with and get good tools to manage successfully the situation they are in. Regardless of them being in therapy or not, you and your spouse should start divorce therapy as soon as you decide to get a divorce. A divorce counselor can help you see the options that would be more beneficial for your children than the ones you are considering. 

2. Finding A New Normal

During a divorce, you will probably be caught up in all the emotional and bureaucratic chaos that it involves, and thinking about finding a new normal for you and your kids will require some time and energy. With the therapist’s help, you will be able to set quality foundations for your family. From basic activities such as preparing breakfast in a new apartment to agreeing with your partner on days to pick up kids from school.

If you haven’t found the calm and will to give your family a fresh start, it will be almost impossible that your children can do it without you. As parents, you both have the responsibility to ensure your kids feel safe and loved during the divorce and most importantly, after the divorce as well.

3. More Capacity for Open Conversations

When in divorce therapy, you and your spouse will go over all the issues, which also include the uncomfortable and painful ones. This means that once you discuss it in your therapist’s office, you can talk about it in front of your kids without the fear of it leading to a heated discussion with your partner. 

For instance, you might have already talked to your partner about how you will handle holidays and vacations in the following year. So once you arrive home, you can include your children in that conversation as well. This will help them feel heard during the separation of their parents. And also allow them to have the space to speak their minds and share their concerns. 

4. Setting An Example for Your Kids

Therapy is so much more than just reaching out for help when in crisis. When you and your spouse decide to go to divorce therapy. You are teaching your kids about the importance of mental and emotional health. From a young age, your children will be aware that talking about how they feel in difficult situations can make them feel better and provide them with the tools they need to be happy again. 

That’s why it’s crucial that you and your spouse are not hiding the fact that you’re in divorce therapy. Speak openly about it in front of your kids and share only the information you both agree is necessary. Also, make sure you keep in mind that you’re all a part of the team working towards the same goal. 

5. Building a Friendship with Your Ex-Partner

Once your divorce is finalized, your spouse will convert to your ex-partner. However, they will still be a parent to your children, so it’s essential that you both continue respecting each other and involving each other in conversations with your kids. Regardless of the reason for divorce, your kids should have both parents present in their lives.

With therapy, you and your partner will learn how to become friends who have their children’s best interests at heart. This will take time and will not come overnight. So it’s worth considering continuing therapy even once the divorce is finalized. While you’re both trying to figure it out, try to keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in your arguments and never turn them against your spouse. 

Instead, focus your energy on building a friendship with your ex-partner that will help your children grow into confident, loved. And secure young people who will have their parents by their side at all times. 

In Final Words

Getting a divorce is not something you’d ever wish for yourself, yet it happens. If you’re currently going through a divorce or thinking about getting one. Consider suggesting your spouse go to a divorce therapist. After all, they will help you get through your divorce. And also talk to you about any emotional issues you might have from before that are affecting you in your romantic life. 

With therapy, you will both become better partners in parenting. Better parents to your children, and better persons in your lives. And feeling good about yourself. Even in times like this, will make your children happy and build even a stronger bond with them.

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Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

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Biggest Divorce Regrets

7 Biggest Divorce Regrets You Should Be Aware Of

7 Biggest Divorce Regrets You Should Be Aware Of

 

There is another side of getting married and it might come with many biggest divorce regrets.

If you have chosen to get married, it will probably be difficult for you to imagine that your marriage might end one day. However, divorces do happen, and it’s quite important to listen to stories of those who have divorced their spouses to try to avoid making the same mistakes.

Being informed about the most common divorce regrets will not harm your marriage. On the contrary, it might save it and allow you to fall in love even more with the person you are hoping to spend the rest of your life with. So, if you’re keen to have the marriage you will be proud of. Make sure you read our list of divorce regrets, think about them. And maybe even discuss them with your spouse.  

1.Depending On My Spouse

There are many people who will enter a marriage with unrealistic expectations or even wrong intentions. Getting married is something often seen as an achievement in life, instead of something that is your decision that came out of a place of love. Some people will assume that being married will make them seem adult in the eyes of others. While completely ignoring the fact that marriage needs constant work and investment to work. Another area where many people will choose to depend on their spouse is their happiness. Married couples will often blame one another for their misery, sadness, frustration, or any other negative emotion when in reality. Your happiness is your own responsibility. 

2.Not Communicating Your Feelings

The most common reason why both relationships and marriages don’t work is the lack of quality communication. Choosing to fix problems on your own or having your feelings not shared with your partner instead of discussing it all with your partner will cause additional problems in your marriage. During your marriage, you will experience difficult situations together on your own. And connecting with each other in times like these can only strengthen your relationship even more. 

3.Not Being Accountable Enough

Many divorced people will often regret they have spent all this time arguing with their partner and blaming each other for different marital issues when they were supposed to be more accountable. After all, by not listening to each other and realizing what you can do to improve your marriage. It will be almost impossible to solve any issue you two might have. So, next time, instead of activating your fighting mode. Try to talk about it with your partner, listen to them carefully and determine what you can do to improve the situation. 

4.Taking Couples Therapy More Seriously

It’s not just about going to couples therapy, it’s about taking it seriously. In other words, you have to be willing to put in the work that’s necessary for your marriage to function. For instance, your counselor might advise you as a married couple to go out more often or to talk more about your emotions. And not doing so will not result in how you want it to. You can go how many times you want and talk to as many therapists as you like. Yet the most important piece of that ‘marriage happiness’ puzzle is you. Whatever your therapist suggests because it might enhance the connection between you two, make sure you truly dedicate yourself to it. 

5.Not Setting Boundaries With In-Laws

When you marry the person you want to build your life with, keep in mind you are not marrying their family. As much as they should be important to you, they should never be equally important as your marriage. These relationships you build with the in-laws will affect your marriage, so it’s crucial to set boundaries. Regardless of whether they are rude, intrusive, or maybe even the best in-laws in the world. You will need to let them know that your marriage comes first. This also implies that you and your spouse have every right to decide whatever you want for yourselves. Yet also that you are keen on keeping everything that falls under your intimacy away from them.

6.Combing Their Finances

Often in marriage, we will think that everything needs to be shared, even the finances. However, if you were to ask the divorced couples, they would advise you quite the opposite. Not only will the money be difficult to divide if the marriage doesn’t work, yet it might also cause a lot of marital issues. For instance, one person might spend more than the other. Which might lead to blaming this person if you’re not able to pay or purchase the thing you were saving for. Such as a new house, car, or your child’s university. 

7.Being Addicted To Social Media

Yes, we’re all on social media, however, the hours we spend on these platforms should be used for something more valuable and real. Spending hours on Facebook or Instagram can harm your relationship because you might be oblivious of the signs your partner is showing. They might be unhappy, stressed, or sad, and you will not see that because you’re attached to your phone. Use social media as little as possible for distraction. Remind yourself that the fun you can have with your partner exceeds any entertainment your phone can provide you with. 

All in all, each marriage comes with its sets of challenges. This doesn’t mean you need to give up, it means you need to work harder to make it work. Having a beautiful, successful marriage will provide you with so much happiness in your life that no other thing can replace. So make sure you cherish it while it lasts.

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Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

 

If you ask your friend how to survive in an unhappy marriage, they will probably tell you to get a divorce, yet things in life are rarely this black and white. After all, you enjoy some of the things in your marriage. And you’re not willing to give up on them just like that. Maybe you enjoy the family life you built with your kids, or maybe it’s the fun you two have each time on vacation. Whatever it is, marriage isn’t something you just eliminate from your life without putting the effort to save it first.

So, instead of being torn between the two options – leave or stay – you should go back to the reasons why you got married in the first place and what you used to love and admire about your spouse. This process takes time, and if your marriage is something you once cared about. You should never leave just because you feel unhappy at the moment.

Go Back To The Beginning

To understand the source or sources of your unhappiness, you will need to figure out when you started feeling like this. For instance, it might be that you started feeling unhappy when you quit your full-time job and decided to become a stay-at-home parent. This might have led to putting high expectations on your spouse to participate more in family activities. Or romantic moments with you. However, due to their work, they were not able to live up to your expectations.

It might be that your spouse became distant due to work problems and that the two of you stopped communicating and being intimate. There are countless reasons why someone might start feeling unhappy in their marriage, yet the first step to solving it is to determine when and why it all started. And it doesn’t have to be just reason or one person that leads to you feeling like this, it might be a combination. 

So, make sure you ask yourself what changed in your marriage that is making you feel like this. If you don’t have a clear answer, make a comparison of before and after. Go into the most fulfilled phase of your marriage and reminisce on all the good things that made you happy in it. Then, do the same for now. What makes you unhappy? Are you able to separate expectations you put on your partner and reality? Which part are you responsible for?

Accepting Your Responsibility For Your Unhappiness

Before going any further, nobody says that it’s your fault that your partner is neglecting you, being distant from you. Or not hearing you when you talk about your needs. With that being said, we have to be aware that there is a certain amount of responsibility we have for each situation in our life. In marriage, as we’re so connected to our spouses, we often forget that we are two very different individuals. Yes, you might have the same plans for the future, the same values in life, and the same friends or activities. However, you don’t share one personality.

So, instead of blaming the other person for the way you feel, how about finding something that will make you feel satisfied and passionate about something new? It finally might be the time to take that pottery class, join yoga classes in your neighborhood. Or start learning Spanish or French. Think about the things that you always postponed because you never had time to do them, and decide to do them now. 

It doesn’t have to be anything revolutionary, it can be simple walks in the evenings with your best friend to unwind from a stressful day. And have a few moments for yourself. Once you focus more on working toward your own happiness. You will have fewer expectations of others to make you happy. 

Focus Only On Your Marriage

Only once you have taken care of yourself and implemented things that make you happy. You should take a new look at your marriage. There is a chance that the reason you were so unhappy in your marriage had nothing to do with your marriage. Or, it might be that even in your most fulfilled moments. You still don’t feel that marriage is the best option for you. Whatever your ultimate decision is, the important thing is to make a decision from a position of calm, happiness, and strength. Instead of frustration, sadness, or fear. 

Now, that you feel so energized and your life is filled with things that you enjoy doing. How does your marriage feel? If your partner is at his low, are you able to help them? Are you willing to motivate them to work on their own happiness, just like you worked on finding yours? 

You are married to a person, not a thing. What we often forget is that we all change and evolve, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Your partner might be stuck due to certain issues, yet with the right help, they might become again the person you fell in love with. That help can come in numerous shapes and forms. They can see how you changed and be inspired to do the same. They can start communicating openly about their feelings and what is troubling them. Often, people reach out to therapists to provide them with the tools they need to feel in control of their life and satisfied with what they have.

Saving A Marriage

If you’re determined to save your marriage, you should know it will not be easy. Everything that has unmeasurable value to us takes a lot of hard work and love for it to work. If you’re not sure whether you should stay and try to save it, think about how many months or years you have been unhappy. Compared to that, spending a few months trying to make your marriage work. While also seeking your own happiness, doesn’t seem like a long period, right? At least try to make it work by doing the best you can. And then you will know you truly tried everything. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Midlife crisis affairs

Midlife Crisis Affair: How To Build Trust Again

Midlife Crisis Affairs: How To Build Trust Again

 

Midlife crisis affairs are more common than you think, yet this still doesn’t make them easy to forgive. With so much fear around affairs in relationships and marriage, we tend to forget learning tools on how to deal with an affair if it happens, regardless of our final decision. Not to mention even just the fear of being cheated on can destroy healthy, long-term relationships.  

Once midlife crisis affairs do happen, both partners experience a wide range of emotions which are making it difficult for them to communicate rationally and find the best solution for the situation. No doubt, this is one of the most challenging moments of each relationship, and learning how to approach it right is crucial to maintaining your mental and emotional health.

Don’t Blame The Affair

If your partner had or is having an affair, try not to focus all of your efforts on blaming the affair for the troubles in your marriage. In most cases, the problems started way before the partner decided to be unfaithful. It’s definitely the easier route to express all your emotions towards that affair, however, is it the right one?

For those who are wanting to continue in their marriage, a reality check is inevitable. How long has it been since you and your partner have lost intimacy? When was the last time you went out on a date and just enjoyed your time as a couple? All these things affect intimacy, and blaming something or someone else for it will not make that problem go away. Yes, your partner was or is unfaithful, and that’s not okay, yet what you can learn from this experience is what will help you overcome it. 

Have a Long, Honest Conversation

Most people will be stuck in this situation and repeating questions such as ‘What was he/she like?’, ‘What was the sex like?’, ‘What does he/she give to you that I don’t?’, however, these questions are not constructive. Instead of letting jealousy take control over your actions, take a deep breath and ask questions that might save your marriage and help you do it right this time. 

The sooner you understand it’s not about who is to blame, it’s about what was wrong in the relationship that affected your intimacy. So, you should be curious about how your partner was feeling in the marriage, and what they need from you in order to feel happy and loved. Try to understand how your partner felt and what were their reasons for starting an affair, and avoid making them feel ashamed and guilty. 

Determine The Next Steps

Keep in mind that nobody expects you to forget about the affair immediately. It will take time to rebuild trust and intimacy in your marriage, so you’ll need to think of it as a process instead of a sudden change. It might even happen if you start the relationship completely from the beginning. Many married couples lost their connection years ago and they are completely unaware of what excites their partner, what are their recent interests, and what they dream about. After all, being overwhelmed with responsibilities will sometimes take away these valuable conversations from us.

So, start dating again, seduce each other, and share what you both need to make this work. You will need to set clear boundaries that will avoid additional complications, such as how you feel about having sex immediately, should you go to family gatherings when working through this affair, and if you should live separately during this period. 

Don’t Involve Others In Your Marriage

When your spouse cheats on you, you will probably first feel betrayed. This feeling might motivate you to reach out to all of your friends and family members to talk bad about your partner and turn them into a villain. As much as it is good to have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling about the affair, involving too many people might create a more complex situation than you can handle right now.

Avoid working on your marital problems outside your marriage. The person you should talk to is your partner. If you feel sad or afraid, share that with them. Understanding how you feel is what can bring your partner close to you again. Don’t think of this situation as a battle where one person comes out as a winner and the other one as a loser. You are both trying to save your marriage, and if you succeed together, there is no greater win than that.

If you become suspicious of your partner’s actions, call them out on it. Don’t fall into plotting conspiracy theories and scenarios that will only cause additional damage. However, make sure that you feel capable of giving your partner a new opportunity before trying to work things out and then using every chance you get to be jealous or suspicious of everything they do. 

Try Couple’s Therapy

Most couples who have been through a midlife crisis affair will need guidance from a professional. After all, it’s not easy to deal with all these emotions and try to make your marriage work, so many decide to go into couple’s therapy. A counselor will help you and your partner have more constructive conversations which will be beneficial for yourself and your relationship.

It will take time to heal and that’s completely fine, as long as you’re moving in a direction towards healing and not destruction. Therapy provides you both with a safe space to express your emotions and also gives you tools that can help you build trust again. The time you both dedicate to therapy should motivate you to make the most of having someone experienced in this topic to help you. Avoid treating it like a battlefield where you’re the victim, and your partner takes all the fault.

If you’re certain that you wish to rebuild your marriage and connect with your partner again, you will need to make that leap of faith and start clean. No resentment, no blame, no destruction. If you want to save your marriage, everything that is not working in favor of it should stay in the past.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Divorce Counseling: How To Prepare For It When It’s Time 

Divorce Counseling: How To Prepare For It When It’s Time 

 

Divorce counseling aims to help you and your partner to resolve the burning issues in your marriage. Or to help you go through a divorce. Sometimes, married couples will go into divorce counseling after a divorce was finalized as it provides the closure many couples seek to move on with their lives.

Regardless of the reason why you are considering going into this type of therapy, you will get valuable tools that will help you manage conversations between you and your spouse in a more beneficial way. After all, whether you’re at the beginning or end of your marriage, you both should be able to communicate your needs, fears, and emotions that help you get closer to your goal. 

Do You Need a Divorce Counseling? 

Conflicts are normal and expected in any relationship or marriage, however, some couples will struggle to address their conflicts in a way that’s productive for them. For instance, if the discussions with your spouse escalate quickly and turn into arguments, talking to a divorce counselor will help you find more efficient ways to manage your marital issues. 

If you and your spouse are at that place where one of you is just waiting to file for divorce, counseling will provide you with a safe space to talk about your problems and get tools you can use outside of counseling as well. After all, the real work will be done after you walk out of your counselor’s office and return home.

Also, if one of you two has already filed for divorce, counseling will provide the support you need while going through this stressful process of deciding on custody, alimony, and child support. Some couples will be able to work through their issues without a divorce counselor, yet it’s much easier to have a space for discussions and get a help of a professional in sorting things out. 

How To Find the Right Divorce Counselor? 

Of course, to get the most of divorce counseling, you will need to find a therapist that will make you and your spouse feel comfortable. You will be opening up to their person about your intimate and marital issues so it’s important that you feel like you can trust your chosen therapist. This decision will differ from when you’re choosing your own therapist as you will need to consider your spouse’s opinion as well. 

Many couples have said they feel a lot more comfortable talking to a therapist who is more or less of their age. When choosing your divorce counselor, another thing you will like to think about is finding someone who shares your religious beliefs. Or has experience in counceling LGBTQ couples. 

To avoid bad quality and wasting your time, make sure you choose a licensed therapist who has credentials related to solving relationship or marital problems. If the cost of therapy is concerning you. Ask if they accept multiple insurance plans and if not, seek fees that will fit your budget. 

What Can I Expect From Divorce Counseling? 

As mentioned above, people seek divorce counselors for many reasons. Whether you’re trying to save your marriage or end it. Having a professional there might make this entire experience less painful and frustrating for both of you. When talking about areas in which divorce counseling helps, these are the areas you can expect to improve: 

  • Communication problems: You and your spouse will probably have different communication styles, so therapy will help you learn how to communicate without arguing.
  • Intimacy issues: Maintaining an intimate connection with your spouse can be lost due to stress, so it’s crucial to find a way to restore it. 
  • Mental illness: If you or your spouse has depression, anxiety or any other psychological disorder, you will be able to learn how to avoid its effect on your marriage.
  • Healing from trauma: If one of you or both went through a traumatic event, you will need the help to heal and reconnect with each other. 
  • Family disagreements: You will not always agree on everything that involves your children and this might affect your marriage if you don’t manage it the right way. 

How Can I Prepare For Divorce Counseling? 

You might feel awkward before and during your first counseling session, and that’s completely normal. With that being said, you will need to prepare before going into counseling as it will help your therapist determine the most efficient way to help you as a couple. It would be beneficial for your therapist if you’d write down all the issues you wish to work on in therapy. 

Thinking of how long each issue has been going on and what have you both done to resolve it will also help your therapist to get a better understanding of how you manage these discussions and what you both need in moments when a discussion occurs. The same goes if you’re filing for divorce. Just write down issues that motivated you to go into therapy and what you are hoping to get out of it. 

Depending on the level of motivation your spouse has when it comes to divorce counseling. You can ask them to also write down things they wish to address in therapy. If you both put as much effort as you can into it, you will more likely obtain your set goal for the therapy. 

Conclusion

Reaching out to a divorce therapist is never a mistake. Couples always get something out of it, as long as they are ready to put in some work as well. If your spouse is not as eager as you to try therapy, before forcing them into it, have a deep conversation with them where you explain to them that you want to solve issues that are bothering you both so you can be happy and satisfied with your lives and your relationship. 

If you’re considering therapy during or after a divorce, share the reasons for it with your ex-spouse and tell them the benefits you would both have from it. Understanding your reasons for it will help the other person to sympathize with you and discover that therapy is exactly what they need as well. They just weren’t aware of it before. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Darcey and Georgi

Darcey and Georgi in The Trigger Tango Therapy Episode

Darcey and Georgi in The Trigger Tango Therapy Episode

 

I had the pleasure of helping Darcey and Georgi on a January 17th episode of Darcey & Stacey on TLC and noticed how they were stuck in the trigger tango. 

The trigger tango is common in intimate communication, especially for those we are most comfortable with. 

When I have the thought that my partner doesn’t understand me. Instead of taking a pause to try to find understanding and compassion, we often raise our voices. When one person raises their voice, then the other either avoids, freezes or fights. Which could mean raising their voice as well. This is how we begin the trigger tango. 

Instead of being in the moment together using empathetic or reflective listening many individuals just begin to have harsh and critical exchanges with one another. 

Although we speak the same language, we have different ways that we conceive the specific words and tone someone uses. 

Since we have mirror neurons, when one person gets activated using a tone, the other person will have their nerves get activated too. 

Creating new communication strategies instead of getting into a trigger tango with someone you love is important for successful relationships. 

Darcey and Georgi

 

How to Stop the Trigger Tango

Sometimes just pausing your partner and saying “I feel nervous – as if we are just in a trigger tango with one another right now.” 

 

Call it Out

Discussing that you notice your partner and then referring to embodiment of your limbic system eliminates the trigger tango effect. 

The practice of noticing and naming the issue as it’s happening – by saying “trigger tango” – actually can help couples to remember that they need to slow and calm down. 

The importance of this is to eliminate the concept that we truly or completely know one another. And instead exhibit positive intention, gentle noticing, and work at breaking current negative conversation and communication patterns.

 

Take a Deep Breath

Now that we are adults, we often get triggered by things that remind us of childhood. A time where we were actually powerless. As an adult, there are many times I remind myself, my team. And my clients to take a deep breath and consider what you feel in your body. This is a quick and effective grounding technique. 

Instead of taking offense to someone else’s tone and getting caught up in the trigger tango. Taking a pause and breathing helps us to get in touch with ourselves in this present moment. 

Embodied connecting is really important, and when we are with another. It’s helpful to attune with each other instead of escalating. When we are embodied, we can observe our emotions and our partner’s emotions at a distance instead of acting out of our emotional state. 

We forget that unless there is physical force, we are not actually in danger, it just feels emotionally uncomfortable. When we feel this way, we can make a request, state a compassionate boundary, or invite collaborative conversation. 

Most people did not have communications training and do not know how to begin these conversations. You can start by learning communication skills or going to a couples therapist who is skilled in the chain of the Trigger Tango or within the reactivity cycle. 

Additionally, you may want to check out my therapy video on couples communications

Seeing a couples therapist to guide you on how to slow down, provide tactics and structure can be very helpful. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Darcey and Stacey

Darcey and Stacey – Couples Therapy on a Reality Show

Darcey and Stacey – Couples Therapy on a Reality Show

 

Let’s admit it, so many of us indulge in TV entertainment, whether it’s binge-watching on Netflix or following reality shows like Darcey and Stacey. I had the pleasure to work with with Darcey and Georgi in a couples therapy session. Their objectives were to work out some of their key issues, such as communication and trust. This session was filmed by the production crew and aired on TLC on Monday, January 17, 2022. I am happy to share share this exciting experience with you. 

Watch a preview of season 3, episode 2 “Georgi and Darcey See a Therapist” | Darcey & Stacey:

 

 

Watch the entire episode of Darcey and Stacey (you may have to sign up for a Discovery account).

Reality Shows

In the last decade, reality shows have dominated the TV industry. From Keeping Up With The Kardashians and American Idol to Jersey Shore and The Bachelorette, these fake reality shows had dozens of millions of viewers watching each episode. With social media integrating into our daily lives, watching our favorite programs also includes following reality stars on Instagram and Twitter – curiously awaiting their every move.

The underlying factor that this type of program has is the involvement we feel when we are consuming reality shows. We start to feel like we’re a part of the show and the lives of people in it. So much so, that we are curious to see what will happen next. 

Watching Darcey and Stacey may make you feel the highs and lows of balancing parenting and the romantic experiences in their lives. It’s no surprise that reality shows have an impact on our emotions as well. 

 

Darcey and Stacey – Behind the Scenes 

My experience with Darcey and Georgi coming to see me as a therapist was great. I was approached by the producer about a month prior to conducting a filmed couples therapy session with Darcey and Georgi, because Darcey’s former boyfriends often said that she should see a therapist.

 

They found information about me and my practice, Life Coaching and Therapy online and liked what they read on my website and in client reviews about my methods and results. After speaking to them, I agreed to this session, because I am often interested in finding ways for couples that are struggling to come together and determine if their relationship is worth salvaging.

 

Darcey and Georgi and the entire crew were incredibly professional, mindful and curious. They were respectful of my office and health requirements. The crew was actually in my office a whole day.

 

Fake Reality Shows

My episode with Darcey and Georgi was actually a four-hour long session. It was edited down to about 10 minutes on screen. I sat with Darcey and Georgi and listened to the intensity of the relationship and the issues. I provided insight and useful techniques to help them meet their relationship and communication objectives. This is same way I work in my off-screen couple sessions. 

 

Fake Reality Shows

 

During the session the couple had a lot of conflict, but it was edited out of the episode.

 

What you see in reality shows is only part of the story. Reality show conflicts and arguments don’t happen or resolve as quickly in real life. Unfortunately conflict arises in all relationships, which take work to repair. It always takes time, effort, and repetition to build trust after conflicts.

 

Even the most dramatic moments of a reality show are edited and produced in a way that creates a certain reaction in the viewer . This is done to hook you into watching the show every week. There really was actual drama in the session. It just took longer to build the intensity than what was shown in the episode. 

So as a viewer, don’t think one couples therapy session can solve everything, because it cannot! Do not compare your life to the cast’s lives on reality shows.

 

Focus on building a strong relationship with your partner and prioritize spending quality time with them whenever you can. (This might mean watching fewer shows.)

 

Having quality relationships with people we care about is the only road to happiness and a fulfilled life.

 

If you feel your relationship could use communication help you may want to check out my therapy video on couples communication strategies and tactics.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

love language gifts

Your Ultimate Guide To Love Language Gifts

Your Ultimate Guide To Love Language Gifts

 

Whenever we start a new relationship, we’re starting to learn a new language, and finding love language gifts for them during the holiday season is not as easy as it seems. Regardless of it, becoming fluent in your loved one’s love language is crucial to having a quality relationship. 

Understanding that your love language is not the same as the love language of your partner will save you a lot of headaches and provide you with so many benefits. Your partner might want more cuddling or more spontaneous experiences, so providing them with exactly what they need will set great foundations for your relationship and ensure you’re both enjoying it. 

To help you become fluent in your partner’s love language, we’ve decided to go over the best love language gifts you can surprise them with and enhance the connection between you as a couple. Make sure you go through all of them as you will surely find a lot of valuable information for your relationship. 

Quality Time

When talking about quality time, if this is something that your partner enjoys the most, you should focus more one on another. This means more than just finding time to do things together will not be enough because they want quality over quantity. For instance, if you already live together, why not surprise your partner with a road trip to the countryside? You can bring food and a bottle of wine and organize a picnic in a nice, quiet place with a great view?

Depending on your partner’s preferences, you can prepare anything they would like. It can be a hike in the woods, a visit to the museum, a weekend getaway to the closest island, signing in for a class or a workshop, or going to the movies. It really depends on what your partner needs at that moment and what will make them happy the most. 

Personalized Gift Cards

If you go and buy a gift card for your partner, how thoughtful would that be? In reality, you should spend time thinking about what would be a good gift for your partner, and what’s a better way than making personalized gifts? You can create personalized gift cards with a bunch of ideas that will make them feel great while going through the cards. 

From having a card for ‘a chores-free week’ where you would do all the chores so they can relax more to the one that’s saying ‘romantic dinner prepared just for you’, which would imply that you will prepare the dinner and you two would have a quiet, romantic night together. You can write whatever you want on these personalized gift cards as long as it has value for your partner. 

Verbal Support

If this is the love language of your partner, it means they will need a lot of verbal support from you and other people to thrive in their lives. Your partner will need compliments from you to feel like they are appreciated, loved, and safe, especially in difficult moments. So, to love your partner the right way and speak his love language, you will need to be supportive with your words. 

Tell them every day how much you love them and how much they mean to you. When they are talking about the challenges they are facing in their everyday life, make sure they know you believe in them and want to see them succeed in anything that is relevant to them. You can do so by sending them a card with kind, thoughtful words or even a text to help them start their day with confidence. 

More Cuddling & Touching

There are many people who need a lot of physical touch in a relationship and if you’re not one of them and your partner is, you will need to remind yourself frequently to speak their love language. This means you will need to stay a few minutes more in the bed before going to work and cuddle with them. This also means you will watch your favorite shows or movies and hug and kiss each other. 

One of the most intimate physical experiences for a couple is definitely sex, so try to always look at it as something more than just physical activity as it’s so vital for the connection between the partners. Whatever you choose to do more often to ensure your partner’s love language is spoken often in your relationship, never touch, kiss, hug, or have sex with them just because you think you have to do it as they will understand if the act comes from love or something completely else. 

Acts of Service

You don’t have to wait for a special date like an anniversary or a birthday to do something nice for your partner. Small things are what counts in serious, long-term relationships and how you both are making each other’s life more easier and enjoyable. So, if this is the love language of your partner, why not help them with small chores or run a few errands for them?

For instance, if your partner is working long hours, why not help them by preparing dinner for them and having a lovely evening when they come home? Or, why not organize their office if they work from home so they can be more productive? It can be even little things that show how much you love them, such as preparing them coffee or taking the trash out even though you’ve agreed it will be their chore in the house. 

Wrap Up 

There are many love languages, and your partner might speak some of them and others not. You might even have the same love language or you can have completely different needs to feel loved. It really shouldn’t affect your relationship negatively as long as you understand what your partner needs and provide them with it as much as you can.

After all, to love someone means to make them happy and help them to become the best version of themselves. Your love language should only be used with you, not with your partner, so once you do something nice for them, they will be motivated to do the same and strengthen your relationship even more. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do