I Think My Husband Hates Me & How To Solve It!

If you have been feeling neglected, resented and anxious in your marriage, you may be thinking to yourself I think my husband hates me.

No marriage is picture perfect, and it could even be possible that he feels the same way about you! So instead of jumping to the conclusion “my husband hates me”, let’s look at why you may be feeling that way. Hatred and resentment can of course arise in marriages, though rarely out of the blue.

“He is always choosing time with the guys instead of time with me!”

You may be feeling neglected if your hubby is choosing to spend time with the bros All. The. Time. This is understandable!

While there is nothing wrong with him wanting time with his friends- friendships outside of a relationship are healthy and should be encouraged- it doesn’t have to be a battle of friends vs. wife.

As with every relationship issue, communication is crucial. Here are some ideas of where he might be coming from with this behavior, and some suggestions to open up communication:

He may feel overwhelmed by the daily minutia of chores, bills and routine
He may feel like you are mothering him
He may just need time with other men
He may be stressed by financial or personal concerns and need a distraction
He may just want to connect with people who share his hobbies

Remember, one person cannot be everything to everyone, though as his spouse you shouldn’t have to feel neglected! Try opening up:

Ask him directly if something is wrong! He may be hurt by something you’ve overlooked, it can save a lot of time if you directly ask what’s going on.
Say how much you love him and wish you could spend more time together. Does he feel like you spend enough time together? Are you having enough sex and fun, or have you become roommates?
Tell him how hurtful it is when he ditches plans with you for plans with the guys. Does this information surprise him or does he seem unphased? He may just not understand and need to be told directly that his actions are hurtful.
Both of you can share what you enjoy doing as a couple, and plan to do more of those things. This could be games, favorite tv shows, sports, cooking- any activity you enjoy doing together!
Offer to host the next guy's night at your home- this may put your mind at ease if you know what they’re up to, though don’t feel the need to spy. This is about letting your husband know you care about his friendships.

My Husband Hates Me

Likely, he just needs to blow off some steam and as a couple you can shake up the routine to be more fun. You’ll never know until you talk about it with each other!

“He is always giving me dirty looks, rolling his eyes and scowls at me”

It can be super hurtful if someone you love is giving you dirty looks- it feels like instant rejection and like they don’t care about your feelings.

Think back to when you were a teenager and I’m sure you gave many of those looks to people around you, especially authority figures! Some reasons he may be giving you dirty looks:

You’re nagging him. Is this something you’ve asked him to do already, and he has said he will do it? Is there a reason you feel the need to remind him?
You’ve broached a no-go topic. Does he have any traumas and sensitivities you are unknowingly or knowingly bringing up?
He is insulted. Did you say something critical about his job, his body, his family or his finances? While you should never be a doormat, criticism needs to come from a healthy, constructive and supportive place- not making fun of his belly, ranting about his sister’s money issues or telling him he’s a loser for not getting a better job.
A difference of values. This is a very political day and age, and if you hold vastly different opinions about politics and social issues you’re probably both doing some eye rolling at each other! You may not have known how different your opinions are until now.
He’s frustrated. Everyone gets frustrated. Ask him why.

If it is a constant issue, it is wise to seek counseling. You shouldn’t be made to feel disliked in your own home, especially from someone you are building a life with, and he shouldn’t have to feel so frustrated and annoyed. There may be a solution to be found!

“So…does my husband hate me?”

It is impossible to know unless you communicate about it! He may not hate you- though he may feel resentment, rejection, or frustrations and these can all be addressed through communication and counseling.

Chances are, this is a bump in the road that can be solved. There is also a chance that he is completely unaware of how his actions are affecting you! Asking yourself “does my husband hate me” is way less effective than simply opening up the conversation- though it may be awkward and difficult, it is always worthwhile!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

by Amanda Pasciucco

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

Have you heard about 5 Labor Languages?

You may be here because you are looking for a 5 love language quiz to try.

Here is the thing… I am a millennial therapist, so I talk about emotional, cognitive, physical, relational labor… and the idea of bringing those all to consciousness often.

Through my experience in working with individuals and relationships, many people discuss the 5 love language quiz, yet they are still in therapy.

I have learned that Labor Languages are FAR less talked about than it should be.

So buckle up, today we are talking about “labor” instead of the 5 love language quiz!

Before we begin, I want you to take stock of which pieces or aspects of labor in relationships (romantic and otherwise) you do!

Physical labor

Physical labor looks like what is done in a relationship that are often seen as tasks or chores. This labor could look like taking out the garbage, cleaning, organizing, yard work, physical intimacy, fixing things in shared space, cleaning the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. These are not all the ways to do physical labor, I am just noting some examples.

Physical labor requires one to do some physical or manual work. Often these tasks or chores are day to day (such as cleaning the kitchen or cooking) or multiple times per week (such as vacuuming) or weekly (mowing the lawn) or larger tasks such as fixing something in the household, etc.

Admittedly, this has not always been my personal strength, but I have used this as a growth edge for me. I have worked hard at building ways to increase my ability to engage in these type of labor and I am rocking it out!

Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is placing your own personal resources or energy into someone else’s emotions or feelings to support them in what may be occurring. This can be done through conversation, holding space for someone, physical reassurance, listening to them, communicating, etc.

Emotional labor is one that we see in various types of relationships (not just romantic ones). I am very lucky as a therapist to have so many people in my life who are great at this and to have the skills to engage in this.

Cognitive Labor

Cognitive labor is often known as the “invisible” work in relationships.

It is how someone organizes tasks, keeps the household running, and often includes planning, forethought, and looking at the big picture.

Cognitive labor can look like running the family calendar, managing family finances, planning meals, scheduling appointments, organizing events, and coordinating with other systems (family, friends, daycare, etc.).

Boom! This is 100% my strength in almost all my relationships.

My friends and family know that when I am at my highest and best version of me, I am usually really engaged with cognitive (and emotional!) labor in my relationships.

Relational Labor

Relational labor is a combination of all of the above listed ones. I say this because this is the labor where we have to communicate and work together in our relationships to engage in each of the above (physical, emotional, and cognitive). In relational labor, it is our responsibility to communicate, share, collaborate, and create within our relationships in order to make sure our needs are met within that relationship. Relational labor looks like having conversations about the relationship, setting boundaries, clarifying, and communicating.

For me, this is a growth edge that I have had. There have been times in my life where I rocked at this and there have certainly been times in various relationships where I have struggled with this piece. I think it is important that we take stock and look at which relationships this was hardest to do and why. When I do that, I notice this has showed up in many of my friendships and because of my own traumas, me not engaging in this labor was for fear or loss so setting boundaries or talking about my needs was often so scary I didn’t address it.

Boom Shaka Laka - Bring the Unconscious to the Conscious!

Alright, now we have looked at each of these sections and we are sitting and considering which areas in which relationships are on point and which are a growth edge for us. Wahoo!

This is so important to reflect on because often times we unconsciously engage in this labor. When this labor is done unconsciously it can result in feelings of resentment towards others. The problem is, is if we are not conscious or aware of it we may not be able to truly communicate what is showing up for us - and if we cannot do that we are not going to feel fulfilled in our relationships.

I urge you to bring the unconscious to the conscious. Reflect. Learn. Growth. Communicate. HEAL. Healing is a process, when we truly begin to do it - it looks like conscious, intentional, consensual growth. When we are unconsciously doing, we are not truly choosing or consenting. When we do not choose or consent, we resent and (re)experience trauma. When we choose and consent, we are empowered and work within our relationships to negotiate, collaborate, and create.

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

Couples Counseling Near Me

Have you looked online recently for “couples counseling near me”? Whether you’ve recently moved or are completely new to therapy, finding the right counselor to work with you and your partner is so important.

The right therapist is like a bridge between the couple you are now and the one you want so badly to be. They can guide you through the fog of learned behaviors, past trauma, and communication roadblocks into a healthier and fuller relationship.

The bottom line is, don’t stop your search for a therapist until you know you’ve found the right one. If you hold back or enter into couples counseling being guarded, then it’s going to impede your progress.

Knowing exactly what you want from counseling isn’t absolutely necessary at first. Most couples turn to therapy when they start to fight more, the sex isn’t great, or your goals aren’t aligned.

Eventually, you’ll want to focus on things that make the most difference and areas where your therapist can help you most effectively.

Couples Counseling Near Me

Improving Communication in Your Relationship

Managing communication in your relationship is one of the most important aspects of building a good foundation. That means monitoring and improving your communication patterns, as well as adjusting to how your partner communicates.

Many couples who say they aren’t communicating well are simply talking past each other and dealing with residual resentment that prevents you from being vulnerable.

When you resent your partner on some level, getting candid feedback can be a challenge. When resentment levels are high, then even things like receiving compliments on your physical appearance or professional accomplishments becomes hard.

You think your partner is being sarcastic or question their motives when they make overtures. You wonder, whether secretly or aloud, whether they mean it or if they’re trying to manipulate you.

Those things may be true, but before you go to bed with those convictions, you should do some self-inventory alone or with the help of a therapist. A quick online search for “couples counseling near me” can get you started in the right direction.

People I meet with are often surprised at how deeply they’ve fallen into poor communication habits. Learning to speak with the right emotions and message is a skill that takes practice. It doesn’t come equally for everyone.

In my experience, it’s important to arm ourselves with strategies that we can use in real-time when dealing with conflict or confusion. We also need to learn how to reaffirm and uplift our partners, especially if words of affirmation is one of their love languages.

Couples Counseling Near Me

Couples Counseling for Intimacy

Along with finances, sex is one of the biggest reasons that drive couples apart. It underscores how important deep intimacy, meaningful touch, and the occasional wild sexcapade are to our emotional and physical health.

If you find yourself searching for couples counseling near me because you’re having trouble in your sex life, here are some tips that can help your search.

First, you want to find a certified sex therapist with experience dealing with similar situations. Of course, the kind of experience you’ll need depends a great deal on where you are personally.

Some people going to couples counseling to deal with intimacy issues are confronting difficult pasts that inhibit sexual expression. Others are trying to find new ways to push the boundaries of their sexuality with things like roleplaying, BDSM, anal sex, and other types of kink.

I can’t stress enough how vital it is to work with someone who knows how to use pleasure in healing relationships between partners. I work with people to set and achieve sexual goals, something many people haven’t done in their lives even though everyone should!

The right therapist will work with you to improve the sexual dynamics in your relationship, and also dig deep into any issues like shame or problems with body image that are holding you back. We can open up new parts of your sexual experience by exploring power dynamics, toys, and things like tantric breathing to inject excitement into a sex life that’s become a bit bland.

Couples Counseling Near Me and How to Choose

You should know that a good therapist will be feeling you out as much as you are. This alignment starts from the first phone call and emails into the early sessions. We want to see your progress, and after some time meeting and talking with couples, we have a good idea of whether we’ll be able to see change.

A therapist and the couples they counsel need to be on the same page. For example, I take a flexible, open approach that often focuses on sex-positivity to help you improve your sex life and your connection with your partner. I communicate directly and sometimes combine therapy with tantric techniques for deeper immersion into learning.

With over 15,000 client hours, I know that approach doesn’t work for everyone. It’s part of my job to recognize early on if there is enough progress to indicate future success.

My passion is helping use physiology to improve sexual satisfaction in an environment free from judgment. If you’re dealing with desire discrepancy with your partner, or you’re eager to experiment with bondage or an open relationship, I have sexual strategies that can help you manage change.

Wherever you’re at in your relationship, there is always hope. I see people in dire situations where it seems like all is lost and therapy is their last gasp at saving a marriage. I also meet with people all the time to talk about our bodies and how we can use sex to improve our quality of life.

Every couple who enters therapy is different. There may be slight similarities in the motivation for seeking counseling. The strategies and techniques you will use to better yourself and your relationship will be unique.

Learn about how you can become a better partner by finding a counselor who speaks to your body and mind. Break the patterns you find yourself stuck in and carve a new path for the future.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

by Amanda Pasciucco

How To Save My Marriage!

Step by step guide on how to save my marriage is here for you.

Seriously, how long has it taken you to google how to save my marriage?

If longer than a year, that’s an eternity in our fast-changing, “what’s new today” world.

You may be here because you or your partner(s) feels:

Annoyed
Irritated
Betrayed
Degraded
Shamed
Blamed

Step 1 on How To Save My Marriage

Accept that to save your marriage is going to be slow and tedious, yet really helpful!

I imagine a part of you feels your partner is confusing because they excuse their behaviors, and yet aren’t willing to learn about you or hear what you are saying.

My take is that because your partner and you are needing help on “how to save my marriage,” that I can give you a very strange take on how to slowly yet practically unwind the tangled mess.

Step 2 is to Use Your Psyche!

Go to therapy or use the Inner Aspects Method (IAM) by Francesca Gentille! how to save my marriage

A quick synopsis of the IAM model is that ALL OF US have 100s of inner aspects on the inside.

They are brilliant parts of us created by our psyche to survive.

We can be heroes and villains in our own story.

Sometimes, it goes awry in a partnership and tangles up though.

You may not even be aware subconsciously of the many inner parts of your personality.

My truth is that there is no "ONE" thing that we are as a partner though. I wish there were... it would feel really comforting to know. Life, relationships, and relationships with responsibility and/or power dynamics are more nuanced and layered than one answer.

Step 3 Nonviolent Communication will save your marriage!

Nonviolent communication and Tony Robbins’ 6 Human Needs will teach you exactly how to save my marriage!

Each part of our psyche has different needs! See the graphic of the human needs here!

Humans WILL get these needs met (in HEALTHY or UNHEALTHY ways).

If we can slow down our world a bit and self-reflect and evaluate who we are on the inside... we can slow down enough to get conscious of who we are inside.

And then, figure out what STRATEGIES (examples of strategies:

Work
Yoga
eating healthy
Attraction
Drugs

What are some of the ways you get your needs met through work? Which parts of you are getting those needs met?

For me, the therapist parts of me get my needs of contribution, uncertainty, connection, and certainty through some of the strategies I use daily with my clients and my staff.

Step 4 is Reconciliation on the past.

Whoever is MOST accountable wins. Continue to own parts of what you did to contribute to the current state of events. Seek a licensed marriage and family therapist, someone trained with a license in couples counseling, or seek someone who knows about balancing out the foundation of the relationship.

Begin moving through old stories and blame or shame.

Realize that these inner messages, if you have a partner willing to do the work and grow with you, are not going to be helpful for the relationship you are building.

Step 5 is where we envision a new marriage!

New rituals, vows, and more consciousness. Begin feeling inspired. Looking at your partner, and even friends, with loving eyes. New visions and recalibrating what you would like to create is often helpful to move through times that are uncertain and uncomfortable.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

by Amanda Pasciucco

The 3 Parts of an Optimal Sexual Experience on National Couples Day!

It is National Couples Day on August 18! How do you celebrate?

Have you ever heard of this hallmark holiday?

For me, National Couples Day just solidifies my wedding anniversary!

Do you have special traditions or celebration ideas? I’m often in favor of a tradition or celebration with my partner… especially if it is just us!

9 Things to Do Other Than Watch a Screen Tonight!

Evening stroll
Listen to an Audiobook
Sit outside
Biking or hiking
Meetup.com to go to an appropriate event
Bedroom date night
Dress up and take photos together in the house
Cook your favorite dinner
Journal together on your goals for the upcoming year

If you do what you have always done, you will get the results you have gotten.

Do not move too quickly into deciding what you will do.

Enjoy the process of discussing it with your partner(s). Why not?

Describe your idea of an amazing couples erotic template to them.

See if it is even close.

Then ask if you can describe yours. You may be off, and that’s ok.

There is a bridge to connection if you are both willing!

National Couples Day Tips for a Relationship Reboot

Being yourself, authentically seen, and the presence and ability to let go! Connection with your partner in the moment is a wonderful goal for National Couples Day. Just connect. No expectations - just fun and pure pleasure.

Activate what you felt in the beginning again!

The 3 Major Components of an Optimal Sexual Experience!

1.Updated Communication Strategies - learn to use NVC or our communication e guide!

Hear out your partners’ needs and be honest about what you are/aren’t open to, and what you’re willing to explore. Once you have gone back-and-forth talking about your preferences and desires, clearly outline what is in your comfort for the night!

Speak to them the way they like to be spoken to. Ask your partner their favorite nicknames to be called by you. Ask them which one has an effect on them erotically (if any).

2.Revitalizing Passion - the tricky part is being tuned into what’s going on inside yourself and being connected with another person.

What is your partner’s vision or desire for this ritual? Can you do another one next week for what you desire? Why only have one night?

3.Scheduling Time without Screens - Why no phones or screens? Because being embodied is about being alive to THE PRESENT moment in each other’s embrace (eye gaze or touch) with the goal that nothing can distract you.

More specific considerations that have worked for me that may or may not work for you: National Couples Day

Take loving care of myself and my spouse by lighting candles
Keeping our home neat
Listening to white noise sound machines, or agreeing to the playlist of the night.
No television, no movies, and no radio. My team even helps me publish all these posts on days that I am with my partner, so it seems like I am here, yet it’s really them. I am ACCEPTING the support instead of feeling guilty that I can’t do it all!

Give yourself more than your usual amount of time to plan and prepare for days with your partner that are supposed to be sacred or special!

Plan it into your calendar, just like you would an event, and schedule LESS work or “distractions” to prioritize your partner.

This shows our partner that we are putting in the enthusiasm we did in the beginning of our partnership.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

by Amanda Pasciucco

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

What does “lesbian sex toys” even mean, really? Well sex toy industry has catered to heterosexual, penis-in-vagina definitions of sex for a long time- think phallic dildos in various sizes, with veins and scrotums. Pretty graphic! These phallic toys can bring immense pleasure obviously, but might alienate people who don’t enjoy penises, are working through sexual traumas or prevent people from exploring sexual fantasies and taboos.

Enter lesbian sex toys. Now, let’s be clear, ANYONE can enjoy ANY toy, it doesn’t matter who it is marketed to! If you’re searching for a non-phallic toy that can do more than just penetrate, searching for toys aimed at lesbians can open a whole new world of possibility. These toys are made for pleasurable experiences beyond what a plain old dildo can deliver, and are specifically crafted for pleasuring vaginas, clitorises, and vulvas. And it doesn’t stop there- many of these toys can be enjoyed by our lovers with penises too!

So...what kind of lesbian sex toys are out there?

There are so many wonderful toys to play with out there, where do you even start?! Let’s go over some basic categories- the only rule is if you think it sounds fun or will make you feel good, you should try it! Who knows, you might be surprised what new sensations maybe aroused.

Suction Toys

At first glance, these look kind of like a vibrator, and some of them do vibrate! The real attraction with suction toys is the smallish suction cup, usually at the top end of the toy, that is meant to be placed over the clitoris. The clitoris is then gently (or vigorously, depending on your settings!) sucked by the toy, emulating sensations felt during oral sex, maybe even more intense.

Of course, you don’t need a clitoris to enjoy the suction! These toys are also great for nipple teasing, so feel free to share with your lovers who don’t have a clitoris. Suction toys are generally more quiet than conventional vibrators, and some can be used underwater. Womanizer is a popular brand of clitoral suction toy, and they even have version that are moulded for g-spot penetration while the suction cup works on the clitoris.

Clit Vibrators

This can have a billion different subcategories, but there are three that really cover all bases:

Bullet Vibrators: these tiny, discreet battery operated vibrators are a classic as they can be inexpensive and easy to use. While they should never be used anally (they’ll get lost up there, and no one wants to be that person in the ER), they can be used on the clitoris as well as the entire body. Any erogenous zone can be tickled by a little bullet. These are usually pretty simple with maybe one or two settings, however they can pack a powerful punch and be a great introduction to vibrating sensations in partner sex with any gender.

Butterfly Vibrators: These unique vibes are shaped like, you guessed it, a butterfly! These are designed for hands free play by placing the vibrator in your underwear, but you can use your hand to guide it wherever you want. They have a wider surface area along the “wings” for a more spread out sensation, and places along the top and middle that can be strategically placed for more intensity.

Vibrating Wands: If you want intensity, get one of these! They are a classic for a reason, and while they aren’t versatile for penetrative activities, they can sure rock anyone’s world. They are definitely not quiet though, so be prepared! Whether you use it on clits, vulvas, penises or other erogenous zones, the intense vibration will come in handy if you have trouble orgasming with timid bullet vibes. These are sometimes sold in conventional stores as “massagers”, which means if you’re not feeling frisky you can work the tension out of your neck and shoulders. Sometimes one thing leads to another though...

Penetrative Toys

It doesn’t have to look like a penis to be pleasurable! First things first, if you are inserting something into you or your partner’s body, it better be made of body safe, non porous materials! Avoid PVC, cheap plastic or latex jelly and instead find toys made with silky silicone, or even sculpted pieces made from metal or glass. They’ll be almost beautiful enough to display- almost.

Silicone is great if you want a soft, smooth, almost skin like texture. These toys tend to have a certain degree of flexibility too!

Glass and metal are interesting because they are firm, which can be awesome for flexing and gripping with your pelvic floor. Plus, they can be cool to the touch or warm up with you or your partner’s body heat, opening up more sensation possibilities. If they have a flared base you can use it anally too!

Here are some exciting toys to explore if you want penetrative sensations beyond what a typical dildo can deliver:

Strap Ons: Strap ons are a classic lesbian sex toy, and a wonderful way to connect with a partner through penetration if you don’t have a penis. You have a few options here: a classic harness is secure, though perhaps a little hardware heavy (which can also be a turn on!). There are also styles that are more like underwear with an adjustable opening, so you can vary which sizes you can use in your strap on. Another really fun option: the strapless strap on! This is a toy with two shafts, one that you insert into your vagina, and a second shaft to insert into your partner. Great if you enjoy g-spot stimulation! If you go with a harness or underwear style, many have pockets where you can insert a bullet or butterfly vibe so you can be pleasure while you penetrate your partner.
Double Ended Dildos: they are exactly what you would expect! They come in a variety of shapes, sizes, girths, materials, some vibrate, some have texture- whatever you and your partner enjoy! If you are purchasing a double dildo for anal play, make sure it has a flared piece in the middle to prevent anal injury.
Rabbits: the ultimate hybrid! Flickering ears for clitoral stimulation, a shaft for anal or vaginal penetration, plus vibration! A true triple threat, this is the kind of sex toy that can be used on anybody (and any body!) for a variety of sensations. Plus, it doesn’t look like a penis, instead it has a neutral, sleek shaft that can come with a variety of textures such as ribbing or bumps for extra stimulation.

This is of course only the beginning - there are as many lesbian sex toys out there as there are people! If you’re not a lesbian or if you don’t have a vagina, many of these toys can be enjoyed in many different ways. If you’re not a fan of anatomical sex toys that are too realistic, the lesbian sex toys market has a lot of beautifully designed products for every craving. Now the only question left: which lesbian sex toys will you try out first?

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Amanda Pasciucco

The Boundary Trap - What are Boundaries?

Boundaries have become the new buzzword - so what the heck are they?

They are ways to create limits or express needs.

They can be physical, emotional, spiritual, verbal, sexual, etc.

Boundaries are the ways in which we say what is or is not okay for us. This could be in the way we want to be communicated with, the way we are loved, the way we are touched, the way people show up for us, and the way people speak to us.

Our culture sucks with boundaries… which is probably why boundaries have become such a buzz word in our society now. Our culture has focused on what I call: aggressive, active, or passive boundaries.

In the United States, we live in a dominating society where aggression and dominance are reinforced… down to the ways we even communicare.

Aggressive, Passive, or Active?

Most of my clients come to me either utilizing aggressive or passive boundaries.

Aggressive boundaries can use physical or (most often) verbal strategies.

Aggressive boundaries is engaging in what I consider to be dominating, abrasive, coercive, demanding, controlling, shaming, blaming, or critical tactics. In my experience, these strategies result in compliance, rebellion, or conflict. None of which work towards connection and understanding. These boundaries are typically “at someone” and can be reactive boundaries. This is usually as a result of not having boundaries respected unless they were loud and big.

An example of an aggressive boundary would be: “You can never do anything right. Don’t help me anymore because you are an idiot. I know what is best and you either need to get on board or else.”

Passive boundaries are people who either do not set boundaries at all or are VERY unclear. People who struggle to set boundaries at all usually fall in this category.

People who set passive boundaries often feel resentful because those around them do not understand the boundaries resulting in these individuals overgiving. These individuals may be conflict avoidant, may have not learned how to have a voice, or learned their needs were not important.

Boundaries

An example of passive boundaries would be:

feeling uncomfortable with something someone is doing and saying nothing
not responding
lying about your feelings such as saying “its okay”
over-committing and saying “yes” when you mean “no.”
Saying “whatever you want to do”
Using vague language like “I mean maybe it’s a sorta thing that I….”

Passive Aggressive is the combo platter of boundaries. It is vague statements or boundaries that usually are accompanied by sarcasm, anger, or contempt.

People who set passive aggressive boundaries are often unclear, rude, indirect in trying to get what they want or need. People who are passive aggressive often do not know how to get their needs met, may be conflict avoidant, or struggle to be vulnerable.

An example of this would be: “I guess I didn’t need that anyways” with a sarcastic tone or non-descript tone.

Active Boundaries are clear, compassionate, and communicative. Active boundaries are when we are able to share what we need without engaging in violent communication techniques.

These boundaries show how we need or what we want from others without engaging in destructive communication patterns that create disconnection and conflict.

An example of this would be: “I feel really frustrated and hurt when you speak to me that way. I would ask in the future that we work together on communicating differently so that we both feel more safe.” or “I am noticing that I am uncomfortable when you touch me like that, is it possible for you to ask in the future? If you cannot do that, I am going to have to find another way to feel like I can be more comfortable around you.” or “In the future, when you go to get something to eat can you please also reach out if I need anything to? I felt really hurt when I did not have dinner too. In the future that would be so cool because I would feel really loved and seen.”

Boundaries, PEOPLE!

So often we struggle to do this. It is so important that we find ways to communicate our needs through boundary setting. At LCAT, we use Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication as a guide to help our clients and ourselves navigate these difficult conversations.

Boundaries are not something many of us are comfortable with in our culture and it is so important that we remember boundaries are FOR US not AT others.

When we are able to focus on boundaries being for us and not AT others, we are more able to set them in an active way rather than a passive and/or aggressive way.

Let us help you get there!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Nicole Scrivano

How Often Are Couples Making Love?

When it comes to couples making love, it is easy to feel like everyone is doing it all the time. Perhaps you are friends with that ooey-gooey couple who can’t keep their hands off each other, or your sister brags about how her and her husband do it every night- AND her baby falls asleep, AND she’s been promoted at work, AND she works out everyday. It is easy to feel a little bummed if you haven’t been having as much sex as everyone else.

Or at least, how much sex you think they are having! The problem with the above scenario is the constant comparison. You don’t know what issues are lying beneath the surface, if the sex is satisfying, or if it even happened at all! Luckily, a lot of research has gone into couples making love, and sexual habits in general.

What Are the Stats on Couples Making Love?

We’ll cut to the chase- according to The Archives of Sexual Behavior couples are on average making love 54 times per year, which amounts to once per week on average.

Does this seem like a lot? Does this seem like a little? Your perspective on this will depend on your level of sexual satiation, which essentially describes how satisfied you are with your sex life once you’ve settled into a routine with your relationship. Once the honeymoon phase is over (about a year to 18 months or so), you’ve been there, done that, couples will begin to have less spontaneous sex, but their relationship is likely becoming stronger.

In fact, research shows that people in happy relationships have better sex, NOT vice versa.

Better sex in this context means sex that resulted in orgasm- though we know that orgasms don’t necessarily define a satisfying sexual experience! Yet, numbers still seem to come into play. According to Social Psychology and Personality Science, couples who have sex at least once per week are happier with their relationships overall.

If this seems contradictory, it is! Sexuality and sex are nuanced, fluid and flexible- which is why stats can sometimes be confusing when it comes to gauging your own sex life against the numbers.

There are also numerous factors that can affect your relationship- AND your sex life!

Couples making love once per week may be more satisfied in their relationships, however they may have some privilege at play. According to a survey conducted by AARP, people without financial worries who experience a low stress level have the most sex…and the most satisfying sex. Seems a little unfair! Sadly, it makes sense- it’s hard to get in the mood if you are stressed about how you’re going to pay the rent.

What are some other factors?

Age can come into play- from the age of 30 onward, weekly sexual activity decreases with every decade according to The Kinsey Institute in Indiana. While folks under 30 are having sex an average 112 times per year, that number gradually decreases and people who are 50+ tend to average about 52 times per year. Which is still almost once per week- you go, Grandma!

Sex Drive is a factor couples making love must consider. Sometimes, everyone goes through phases of low libido, and this can be due to anything from stress to illness to exhaustion to being busy with other life events like a move, new job or child. If you or your partner are dealing with a lower sex drive than usual, it is rarely to do with their attraction to their partner- so don’t take it personally! Sex therapists can help determine these underlying factors for low libido and help you overcome them.

Values can mean differing priorities when it comes to the relationship, which isn’t automatically a bad thing. If what you both value in a relationship is comfort, stability, companionship, being amazing parents and sex is far down the list for both of you, great! If, however, sex is an important expression of love for one of you and not the other, tensions can arise.

Bottom line:

When it comes to your level of sexual satiation, what really, truly matters is how you feel- not some statistic or random number that may or may not work for you!

When looking into your sexual satiation, ask yourself some important questions to determine if you are truly satisfied, or if you’re in need of some extra help!

If as a couple you’ve “been there, done that”, how does that make you feel?

Do you feel:

Comfortable
Trusting
Like you have nothing to prove
Deeply connected to your partner
Loved

Or do you feel:

Rejected
Bored
Restless
Unattractive

How often you have sex is only a problem if it feels like a problem or is putting strain on the relationship. If you feel cozy, secure and loved, not getting it on can feel just fine. If you are anxious about how your partner perceives you, feel rejected when you make sexual advances or are restless and tempted to cheat, it is a sure sign you are in need of more sexual connection and therapy for an underlying issue as a couple.

If you feel satisfied, loved and like you have good communication, then you shouldn’t need to ask how often are couples making love- just do what feels right for you and your partner!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Amanda Pasciucco

Get On The Same Page and Take a Love Language Quiz!

A love language quiz is a great way to figure out what makes you and your partner(s) feel most loved. The concept of the love languages was first popularized in Dr. Gary Chapman’s bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages, yet the concept of these strategies for connection has been used by couples therapists for decades in one way or another.

A love language quiz can help you if you find your love is a little lost in translation, and it can be a simple way to bring some clarity to how you or your partner interpret love and what you value in your relationships, both romantic and platonic.

So, what are the love languages and what do they mean?

Results For a Love Language Quiz

1.Words of Affirmation

If you desire to be praised, encouraged or told “I love you” regularly to feel connected to your partner, your love language may be words of affirmation!

Text messages telling you to have a wonderful day, compliments on your appearance, acknowledgment of your hard work, and praise for your accomplishments are all things that can make you (or another) feel loved, connected and appreciated.

People who desire words of affirmation may feel hurt or neglected if they do not have frequent verbal (or written) reassurance that they are loved, attractive and appreciated.

Even if their partner feels all of these things towards them, if it isn’t being communicated verbally a person who needs words of affirmation may not pick up on it.

If your partner needs words of affirmation to feel connected to you, try complimenting them more, or thanking them for things that they do around the house, or send them kind or flirty messages via text out of the blue regularly. This includes telling them they are beautiful and sexy! A simple “I love you” is also impactful and a classic if you can’t always find the words.

love language quiz

2.Acts of Service

This may be your love language if you feel most appreciated when your partner does things for you, big and small, or does the tasks they know you don’t like, or find ways to generally make your life better through their actions. Action is definitely the key word here!

Running you a bath, bringing you a hot cup of coffee in the morning while you’re just barely awake, scraping the ice off of your car because they know you hate doing it, driving your mother to the airport- for you, actions speak louder than words, and these are the kinds of things that make you really feel your partner cares.

You can feel let down if your partner doesn’t seem to help out, or if they don’t follow through on a promise. The key to feeling loved for you is that your partner wants to take actions both large and small that will make your life easier or happier.

If your partner requires acts of service, realize that the little things can really add up: a gesture as simple as doing their laundry or making their favorite meal after a stressful day can have a big impact. And of course, grander gestures are always welcome: take their car in for an oil change after they’ve been complaining they haven’t had time to do it, help your brother-in-law move into his new apartment. It is important to your partner that you consistently notice when they are tired, overwhelmed or busy and that you make efforts to help them- without necessarily being asked!

love language quiz

3.Receiving Gifts

This love language is pretty much what you’d expect- you love getting gifts and treats as confirmation that you are loved! They needn’t be lavish or expensive, sometimes the most thoughtful token is the most memorable.

A small souvenir from a business trip, fresh flowers “just because”, picking up something silly because it reminds them of an inside joke you share- these are the things that make you feel cherished. Of course, a diamond bracelet wouldn’t hurt, yet it isn’t the gift itself.

The thought behind it that makes you feel special.

If receiving gifts is your love language, you may feel let down if your partner “doesn’t believe in exchanging gifts” or only gives you gifts on appropriate occasions like birthdays- and even then, they are impersonal or generic. The important thing is that the gift is an expression of their love- not materialistic bait to keep you hanging on.

Gifts can also represent relationship milestones in your mind, symbols of progress: think a family heirloom making you feel like you’re being welcomed into your partner’s family, or a tiny pair of baby socks to celebrate a pregnancy, lingerie or sex toys to show how desired you are, or a trip somewhere you’ve been dreaming of as an expression of their excitement to go on adventures together. If money is a concern, you may feel guilty for feeling neglected, but gifts can be as simple as a homemade card, some candy or a joke gift that will bring you a laugh.

love language quiz

4.Quality Time

The love language of quality time is all about giving (or receiving) undivided attention. It is about feeling like your partner actually wants to spend time with you, even if you’re not doing anything together!

Reading books quietly side by side, special date nights on the regular, taking time to check in and be close with each other are all aspects of spending quality time with your partner.

It can be hurtful if your partner is flaky with plans, is distracted or texting during a date or doesn’t seem to be engaged when you’re having conversations. It can make you feel unimportant or like you’re playing second fiddle to other aspects of your partner’s life and they never have time to see you.

If your partner values quality time as a love language, try really paying attention to them when they talk about their day. Ask questions, and put down the phone! Take them on a romantic date, or book a vacation for just the two of you- whatever you can do to show your partner that time with them is just as important (if not more) than the time you spend on other parts of your life such as work or school. It’s not about making your partner your ONLY priority- it’s about making time spent together a priority that you take seriously and enjoy!

quality time

5.Physical Touch

The love language of physical touch is not just reserved for sexually intimate moments- it can be non-sexual moments of physical affection, sweet kisses, tickles, or simply holding hands. Of course, sex can be a major expression of love no matter what your love language is!

You can feel rejected if you crave physical touch, yet your partner is shy about holding your hand in public. Similarly, if they only seem to kiss you when being sexually intimate, or if they don’t seem to want sex as often as you do… it can lead to confusing for those who value phyical touch.

If physical closeness is important to you, any rejection of that closeness can really sting, and a lack of connection can make you feel lonely and distant.

If your partner needs physical touch as an expression of love, deliberately look for opportunities to touch them in everyday life:

stroke their hair
hold their hand
scratch their back
give them a massage
Many hugs for no reason
Touch your feet together while you catch up on your tv shows

touch

If they feel like they have a higher libido than you do and need more sexual contact to feel loved, it may be time to evaluate your sexual communication and desires with the help of a registered therapist.

Remember, you shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex if you don’t want to, and they shouldn’t pressure you either!

To be clear, the love language of physical touch isn’t necessarily sexual, so finding ways to be closer in day to day life can be a worthwhile challenge you can begin to explore right away!

After reading about all five of the love languages, you may realize that one or two - or even all five - resonate with you. This is normal!

Most people are a combination of all of the love languages in some way. The key is realizing which language you desire from a partner (and which language they desire from you) to bring clarity to how you communicate and show appreciation, and what your expectations are from loving relationships.

Tip one… start by spending some time together taking a love language quiz!

LOVE LANGUAGE QUIZ HERE!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

by Amanda Pasciucco

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage - and How to Fix It!

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage- and How to Fix It!

If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is easy to feel rejected, hopeless and a little embarrassed. A sexless marriage is more common than you may think, and is rarely a standalone issue.

A sexless marriage is usually a symptom of another issue you are having as a couple. The great news is that with the help of a therapist, these issues can be tackled and bring you closer together than before.

A Sexless Marriage vs A Dry Spell

All marriages will have “dry spells”- perhaps you have a busy month, someone is sick, or any other zillion things that can get in the way of some time between the sheets (or on the couch, or on the kitchen table, or in the car....). A sexless marriage is a chronic, prolonged amount of time that is abnormal for you as a couple and leaves both parties with unmet needs. Some experts say this means having sex less than 10 times per year, other experts are hesitant to put a number on it because needs and the definition of sex varies greatly from couple to couple.

Reasons Why You’re in a Sexless Marriage

Again, it is worth working with a therapist to unpack any issues that are contributing to a sexless marriage, however the following reasons you may be in a sexless marriage can help get you and your partner reflecting on why- and how to begin fixing it:

Lack of Communication

It always comes down to a lack of communication, doesn’t it?! While communication doesn’t seem sexy, a lack of it can really make for a sexless marriage! Not communicating when something is bothering you is a recipe for building resentment, which is very unsexy. While it may take some professional input to unpack resentments that have built over years or are even the result of a traumatic breach of trust such as infidelity, you can begin to cultivate the habit of communication. When something bugs you, or if you feel hurt or rejected, don’t hold it in but also try to avoid these crucial conversations if either of you are stressed, tired, angry or otherwise emotionally raw. Cool, calm and collected and willing to stop and listen to the other side is a great start!

You don’t ever talk about sex

A sexless marriage can also be a symptom of shame and embarrassment around fantasies, perceived lack of knowledge or a lack of open communication (there it is again!) around desires you worry are taboo. Remember: no one is magically born with amazing sexual skills! Just like any other skill, it requires practice and feedback. If you’re in a sexless marriage because sex just isn’t satisfying or you have a desire you feel you can’t share with your partner out of fear, take the plunge and start talking about sex. It isn’t about laying out everything you don’t like about sex with your partner, it is about encouraging what works and discussing your needs, desires and boundaries!

Performance Anxiety

“If I don’t try, then I can’t fail”. A sexless marriage can sometimes be a case of crippling performance anxiety that has become an ingrained mentality, kind of a bad mental habit. This of course ties into so many other issues: self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of communication about sex and desires, or even a physiological response to underlying trauma. If you avoid sex altogether because you are afraid of letting your partner down or being criticized, it might be time to do a deep dive with a therapist together to fix your sexless marriage and improve your self worth! You deserve a healthy, satisfying sex life and you can learn how to please each other, even if it takes a little outside help!

You’ve Fallen into a “roommate” dynamic

Maintaining a household, splitting bills, cooking meals, cleaning, doing laundry, arguing over who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher- it can be easy to fall into a sexless marriage when the minutiae of day to day life takes over. You may be happily cohabiting, but is the small stuff piling up and getting in the way of seeing your partner in a way that invokes sexual desire? Obviously, as relationships progress that initial hormonal boost that made you so hot for each other int he beginning fades, but there’s no need to resign yourselves to a platonic existence!

A sexless marriage can be helped by deliberately making an effort to experience life (and your partner) erotically. Focus on parts of them that turn you on, or actions they take that make you feel aroused. Is paying a bill inherently sexy? No, but maybe the way your partner signs their name is, or how they lick their lips while they concentrate on how to reduce the overall energy expenditure next month, or the way their arm looks strong holding groceries can become new, more subtle turn ons.

You rely on spontaneity

At the beginning, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and now you can’t even remember the last time you saw each other naked “for fun”. If your sexless marriage is a byproduct of feeling more like sex should “just happen”, why not add sex to the to-do list? It may seem like making sex “a chore”, but the opposite is true: it gives you something to look forward to, and a mandated opportunity to connect, touch, and experience intimacy. You can even plan themes or games that you want to try! Think of it like this- Valentine’s Day isn’t necessary or the only opportunity to show someone you love them, and it isn’t spontaneous, but having a specific day devoted to love and romance in addition to your day to day love or unexpected rendezvous is something to look forward to and make special. So make these planned “date nights” special, you deserve it! And who knows, it may become second nature and prompt more spontaneous encounters!

What now?

You’ve scoured the internet for advice on how to fix your sexless marriage and have picked up a few tips, so what now? Try them out!

And most importantly, communicate, communicate, communicate!

Take some time to discuss creative, kind and productive solutions, as well as what has been contributing to your sexless marriage- yet, listen to and empathize with your partner, and above all… don’t criticize.

A sex therapist can help facilitate these conversations if you find you’re having trouble opening up or making productive changes.

Never forget: it takes some work, vulnerability and communication, yet you can fix a sexless marriage!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.