Talk About Marriage

Let’s Talk About Marriage! 

Let’s Talk About Marriage! 

 

Have you ever wondered if there is a talk about marriage that could help yours? 

I did back in the day, and I know many of my clients have too! 

The courtship process of dating used to be about testing this exchange in a way. Sometimes now, we bypass courtship for love, then we have marital problems. 

While I bring you videos like, 7 Things That Destroy a Marriage, and then provide you with useful communication techniques that will guide you to recover from those topics, I want to talk about marriage today in a way that will help you improve communication with your partner… even with anyone.

In the book, The Good Marriage, we talk about marriage in four ways: 

 

The Traditional Marriage – roles were very defined. 

  • Back in the day relationships and sexuality were witnessed as  an exchange. The most common exchange in marriage from one partner, often the man, was I will give you my name, my commitment, and finances to shelter you. For the other partner, often the caretaker of the house, to provide children, companionship, and sexual desire.
  • The man would make more money in the house. Deep respect for the distinction of the roles they had. 

 

The Companion Marriage – more friendly. 

  • Ride or die commitment. 
  • Flexible roles with who does what in the marriage. 

 

The Healing Marriage – savior marriage

  • Often in this marriage, both individuals came from trauma and had a deep level of healing to do themselves. 
  • Then, they help their partner to do the same!

 

The Romantic Marriage – the one that had the most vibrant sex life. 

  • Keeping a live story of the couples’ romance. 
  • Often sharing the narrative of how the couple met. Romantic and repeated. 
  • Prioritize dates and adventures to keep the passion and romance alive. 

 

In summary, whatever type of partnership you have, it’s good to talk about it. 

It is especially important to talk about marriage. 

Love is unconditional. Relationships, including marriage, take agreements, collaboration, and commitment! 

On the level of consciousness, we are infinite… yet, we have a finite human body and only one body in this lifetime.

Instead of taking our body and mind to project onto others, let’s learn and grow. 

  • The mind is tricky and often projects.
  • Usually when I am in hatred, I am also more likely to act out. 
  • Usually when I am in pain, I can justify my behavior to defend, deflect, and deny.
  • Often, I must do the inner work to choose a new type of communication style with grace, and with accountability. 

While we talk about marriage, may we experience ourselves as bigger, more profound, and more complex. The more intricate, the more passionate!

Adulting and creating safe space for your inner selves to talk about marriage, in the way that most of us did not see modeled growing up! 

Being able to work with our partner to help them self-analyze and assess their choices. 

We don’t want to suppress ourselves or our partners too far, because there is a chance it can turn into self-hate. We want to know the way to include all parts of our psyche into the conversation. 

For me, my world has transformed when I love myself enough to take responsibility without collapsing into overly dramatic feelings of guilt. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Love Addiction

How to Know if You Have a Love Addiction

How to Know if You Have a Love Addiction

 

We all love the thrill of a new relationship; however, if that is the feeling you cling to for the entirety of every relationship only to have it end in heartbreak, it is likely that you have a love addiction.

A love addiction can be sabotaging your relationships and ultimately your happiness within relationships. It is also tricky to recognize because relationships are so romanticized in the media: if you’re not madly, passionately in love all the time and for years on end,  the relationship is a failure. 

The reality is, relationships ebb and flow and while some do not make it past the honeymoon phase anyway, truly healthy relationships are built on trust, companionship, shared values and of course some attraction

 

What is Love Addiction?

A love addiction is the chronic, obsessive pursuit of romantic love. Healthy relationships don’t stay in the “honeymoon” phase forever, so if you are constantly chasing that feeling from relationship to relationship you may have a love addiction. 

It consists of behaviors that end up affecting you and your partner negatively, and can mean you have a tough time letting go of the fantasy of a relationship when the reality sets in. 

 

Is Love Addiction Real?

Love addiction is not a recognized disorder by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). However, the DSM-5 lists 11 criteria for substance addictions that can be applied to understanding and treating a process addiction or negative behavior pattern like love addiction. 

To be diagnosed with a substance addiction, you only need to have two of the eleven criteria. Not all of them apply to love addiction, so here are the top three that indicate there may be an addictive element in play:

  • An ongoing (6+ months) preoccupation/ obsession with romantic fantasies and new relationships
  • No self control over romantic fantasies and new relationships
  • Negative consequences from these out of control fantasies

So while not technically recognized as an “addiction” in the DSM-5, it is a pattern of behavior that can be harmful and hurtful and prevent you from enjoying fulfilling, healthy relationships. This is why it is always worth seeking help to overcome love addiction. 

 

What’s So Wrong About Being Romantic?

Romance is an exciting and essential element of courtship and attraction. There is even a physiological explanation for those butterflies you feel when around your new crush!

A neurochemical rush floods your system when your new partner is in sight (or in mind) and when you touch. The evolutionary necessity of this is to provide a temporary fierce attraction while two humans build a real relationship, getting to know each other and build a foundation of trust and intimacy. Ideally once the honeymoon phase ceases, this foundation is set and the relationship can progress. 

The difficulty arises when you associate those rushes/butterflies and romance with the substance of a relationship, or the idea of being in a relationship. Once they fade, you’re either no longer interested or you feel like the relationship is failing when it is naturally progressing in many ways. 

Failing to move beyond seeking that rush can leave you lonely, heartbroken, and stuck in a pattern where you don’t open up for real intimacy and connection because you’re always chasing the rush of romance. 

This of course doesn’t mean long term relationships should be devoid of romance! It merely means that the definition and spontaneity of it may shift. Sharing common values, learning and acting upon each other’s love languages, making your partner feel appreciated and special are all romantic and I definitely encourage romance! You can’t put on delicious whipped frosting without a cake first, and if you’re always chasing frosting you’ll be left hungry! 

 

Signs of Love Addiction

So, what are some of the signs of a love addiction?

  • Confusing sexual and romantic intensity with true intimacy
  • Skipping out on commitments, friends and family for your relationships
  • A wandering eye that seeks new, exciting relationships while you’re still in a monogamous relationship
  • Feeling alone, desperate and unworthy when not in a relationship
  • Defining yourself by your relationships
  • Always changing yourself to keep partners/fear of being dumped if you’re yourself
  • Relying on romantic/sexual intensity to escape your problems/find comfort

Love Addiction

 

Love Addiction and Codependency 

If you’re familiar with codependency, a lot of these signs may seem vaguely familiar. In fact, it could be argued that while not all codependents are love addicts, all love addicts are codependent. 

Codependency is in simplest terms the inability to decipher where you and the person you are codependent with ends. 

You may do everything in their best interest, even at expense of your own needs and wants. 

You may find it difficult to establish healthy boundaries in the relationship for fear of rejection or loneliness. 

It can create a one sided dynamic in a relationship (this can include family and friends), and can create a pattern of dysfunction where both sides of the relationship play a fixed role: one person could be a martyr who needs the validation of caring for someone else, perhaps the other is an enabler of these behaviors etc. 

 

Can I Change? 

Love addiction is a compulsion that can be tamed, though it is important to recognize what seemingly normal comments and behaviors are actually love addiction rearing its head. 

The truth is, the pattern is the issue, not the people you date. Sure, they weren’t perfect, however you must focus on yourself and your behaviors in order to end the cycle of heartbreaking short term romances in exchange for meaningful connections and intimacy. 

Working with a therapist is essential for establishing new patterns and behaviors that are healthy and constructive. Well meaning friends will try to give advice and can be a good shoulder to cry on, though they are biased and will likely agree with all of your assessments of the situation as a sign of support. 

A therapist is a non partial party who knows that the larger goal is more important: ending your love addiction and creating relationship patterns that are healthy and fulfilling. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

What is my Love Language

What is My Love Language? 5 Keys to Identify Your Desire!

What is My Love Language? 5 Keys to Identify Your Desire!

 

What is my love language you may be asking!

It is worth noting that you and your partner(s) may have a different love language than you and asking what is my love language is only half of the question if you are partnered!

The 5 love languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. 

Have you ever reflected upon what is my love language? 

What about your partners’ love language? 

What is my Love Language

 

This can be a helpful tool to evaluate if the way you’re both expressing your love (and receiving love!) is being interpreted as such. 

  • Take a love language quiz together! 
  • Though it may feel kinda cheesy, you can discover a lot about each other!
  • Once you’ve figured out your love languages, talk about how to incorporate it. 

 

1. Words of Affirmation

If you desire to be praised, encouraged or told “I love you” regularly to feel connected to your partner, your love language may be words of affirmation!

The platinum rule trumps the golden rule EVERY TIME! Do unto others what they would have you do unto them (not what you would want done for you). 

 

2.Acts of service

If you desire things like your partner running you a bath, bringing you a hot cup of coffee in the morning while you’re just barely awake, scraping the ice off of your car because they know you hate doing it, this is an act of service. 

 

3.Quality Time

It can be hurtful if your partner is flaky with plans, is distracted or texting during a date or doesn’t seem to be engaged when you’re having conversations. It can make you feel unimportant or like you’re playing second fiddle to other aspects of your partner’s life and they never have time to see you.

 

4.Gifts

Do you like receiving trinkets? If so, you can answer what is my love language with presents! 

 

5.Physical touch

Hugs, cuddles, spanks, and intimate touch can be brought into your lives, depending on the love languages that you connect with most. 

 

What is My Love Language – Sex Edition!

As cliché as it seems, a lack of physical touch and sex in particular can drive partners away, regardless of gender. 

For many people, sex is more than just a pleasurable activity – it is confirmation they are attractive, desired, and loved. 

In the early stages of dating, women usually (not always – this WAS based on older studies when sex research was funded more) enjoy feeling a connection before having sex with a new partner. 

Interestingly, these studies also identified that men (in general, yet not always) desired to have sex to feel an intimate connection. 

How confusing for other sex couples! 

As spouses, you are obviously beyond the nervous excitement of dating, though this can be a gentle reminder that we continuously need to reconnect, check in and grow together. 

Exploring your sexual connection can open the door to deepening your emotional connection. 

After all, great sex requires great communication – a cornerstone of healthy relationships! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

 

Relationship Therapy

What To Expect When You Go To Relationship Therapy

What To Expect When You Go To Relationship Therapy

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT)  is an individual, relationship therapy, and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure skills training provided by licensed systemically-trained psychotherapists. 

It’s time to do some reassessing on the relationships in your life and decide what kind of relationship you really want with your romantic partner. If not, you may end up in relationship therapy when it’s too late. 

Relationship therapy can help those with communication issues, desire discrepancy, and those who have a willingness to learn more. 

So…maybe you want a traditional, equal, or open, or kinky relationship? We know that there are a variety of relationship styles, yet how do you attain the type of relationship that you desire? 

Relationship therapy is a great place to begin, because it is discreet, confidential, and balanced. 

 

How do you go about determining what type of relationship you want? 

Relationship Therapy

Where do you fall on the spectrum above? 

Compare with your partner(s).

This will provide valuable information. 

Once you know what type of relationship you desire, and if all partners are interested in creating that, you can begin to envision piece by piece the steps to get there. 

Some of the plans you can consider, if you don’t want to go to relationship therapy would be a systemic approach (mind, body, feelings, and soul). 

As a couple, it is important to continue to make relationship goals for yourself – that you accomplish as a team! Parenting is one example of how many couples accomplish relationship goals as a team. However, it isn’t quite as specific as relationship therapy for the parts of you that desire erotic and romantic connection. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy is competent with and affirming of all relationship orientations and alternative sexualities, including: 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy provides relationship therapy that is affirming of all gender identities and sexual orientations, including:

  • Lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals and partnerships
  • Queer, transgender, and those individuals and partnerships that are beyond the binary.
  • Partners of transgender and gender expansive individuals

 

Outcomes To Expect from Relationship Therapy: 

  • Learn constructive conversation skills
  • Decrease resentment and increase self-awareness
  • Increase awareness about sexual pleasure and passion.
  • Be more confident with your partner and in yourself 
  • Become more knowledgeable about your needs vs. your strategies to get needs met that create barriers to progress and pleasure.
  • Support partners in becoming clear about what they themselves want for pleasure and how to be more open to receiving that pleasure. 
  • Understand how culture, cultural identity, and intersectionality are related to your behavioral health and your relationship
  • Discuss how our bias, power, and privilege can affect relationships and come up in relationship therapy with the clinician.
  • Describe how communication styles can differ across cultures. 
  • Discuss ways to learn more about one another’s intersectional identities as a way to bridge the gap between various sexual styles.

Often, relationship therapy is a solution that can provide valuable advice for this relationship, or the next if you have to consciously complete (end) the relationship. 

 

Here are some example of reviews that demonstrate how LCAT has helped our clients’ relationships:

Relationship Therapy

Relationship Therapy

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

couple goals

Green Flags for Couple Goals

Green Flags for Couple Goals

 

Whenever people talk about couple goals and relationships, there is a tendency to focus on the “red flags.” Instead of focusing on the things that should be avoided, or early warning signs that a relationship is “doomed,” we are going to focus on green flags for couple goals today! 

While it can certainly be helpful when creating couples goals to know what you want to avoid and what to look out for, it can leave you feeling directionless when knowing what you should be looking for!

Things that should be avoided, or early warning signs that a relationship is “doomed”. 

While it can certainly be helpful when creating couple goals to know what you want to avoid and what to look out for, it can leave you feeling directionless when knowing what you should be looking for! 

 

The Benefits of Positivity

It is definitely smart to avoid certain behaviors as a couple or as an individual, so red flags are something useful for identifying behaviors, habits and personality traits that may be harmful to a relationship or to oneself. 

Think about it: if you bought furniture and the assembly instructions only included what you shouldn’t do, you would have a lot of trouble trying to build something functional and structurally sound! 

The same goes for couple goals: using green flags is a great way to identify what is right about a relationship, what you may be looking for, and to remind you what is already working so you can focus on aspects to improve towards. 

 

So What Are The Green Flags?

Most couple goals or green flags can be sorted into five basic categories: 

  • Communication
  • Compromise
  • Boundaries
  • Respect
  • Sense of Self

Most red flags fall into these categories too, and green flags give you solutions rather than just identifying problems. 

Let’s dive into these green flags! 

 

Communication

Communication will always be the foundation of a great relationship can must be one of your couples goals. Most of the other green flags are an offshoot of communication, it is so important!couple goals

Some green flags to indicate strong communication include:

  • Listening to you talk when you have issues, and supporting you through them
  • Recognizes your love language and uses it to express their love instead of only using their own love language
  • Modeling what they would like to hear in an argument. Ex: “Next time this comes up, a way that would model a healthier approach for me would be to say “What I think I hear you saying is____, is that correct?”

Listening supportively and communicating in ways that you each find effective are good signs that you are building a foundation to set some serious couples goals. 

 

Compromise

Compromise should never mean becoming a doormat or consistently letting your own needs and wants take a backseat for the sake of your partner. 

Compromise means trying to find solutions that benefit both of you, and finding ideas and solutions that are maybe even better than anyone’s singular idea. Think synergistically: the sum is greater than the whole of its parts. 

This requires humility and letting go of the desire to “win”. A relationship where everyone is trying to win and outrank each other is a huge red flag, so look at these green flags when it comes to compromise:

  • Look for the mutually-empowering way (a win-win) to resolve issues
  • Postponing gratification in the moment 
  • Being able to apologize and take ownership of wrongdoing

Being humble and accommodating each other’s unique and evolving needs will benefit your couples goals by working together for a great relationship. 

 

Boundaries

Boundaries can go hand in hand with compromise. Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting out your partner, and is actually about letting them in. 

Knowing your partner’s boundaries and being mindful of them is a green flag. Here are some examples:

  • You partner stops doing things that you say make you uncomfortable
  • Don’t avoid sharing truths.

Taking actions that respect each other’s boundaries will strengthen trust. The ability to be honest and open about your boundaries can help build that trust too. 

 

Respect

Respect is like Communication’s close sister, they are so closely related and you can’t really have one without the other when working towards couples goals. 

It is hard to feel confident about yourself or even communicate this feeling if you don’t feel you are respected. All relationships rely on respect to keep them communicative, loving and lasting. 

Some green flags that indicate respect:

  • You don’t put each other down deliberately, especially in public
  • Uses a calm, rational tone during arguments
  • Support each other’s ambitions and aids in growth
  • Keeping your word, doing what you say you will do and follows through. 

 

Strong Sense of Self

You cannot set strong couple goals if you are not feeling complete as individuals, with your own goals, opinions, aspirations and ideas. 

You can approach relationships in a healthier way if you let go of the mindset that someone else will “complete” you. 

As romantic as that is in movies, in the real world it can leave you disappointed and co-dependent!

Some green flags:

  • You both engage in your own inner work, consistently over and over
  • Support each other’s ambitions and goals
  • Celebrate each other’s accomplishments without jealousy 
  • Each have goals outside of the relationship
  • Self respect

The statement “you can’t give someone a drink from an empty cup” is cliché though true: if you aren’t continuing to grow, work on yourself and find fulfillment in your own life, you won’t have much to give a partner or to a relationship. 

In the same vein, you don’t need to sacrifice your entire cup to someone else- it is yours to drink from and share as you please!

couple goals

 

Redefining Couple Goals

The point of focusing on a “green flag” system instead of or adjacent to a red flag mindset is to give you actionable habits and behaviors to work towards in your relationships. 

Knowing what to work on and what to look for in relationships can be immensely helpful when working towards growth and relationship health. 

Which of these green flags do you already look for in relationships? Are some of these the answer to the red flags you actively avoid? Which green flags do you want to try out first in your couple goals? 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Why Couples Therapy Fails

Why Couples Therapy Fails & What To Do About It

Why Couples Therapy Fails & What To Do About It

 

We often get asked why couples therapy fails, and the truth is, most couples have failed long before they get to couples therapy. 

Think about how annoyed you have to be at a partner to even ask them to go to couples therapy. 

And if that doesn’t satisfy you, we will answer the common reasons why couples therapy fails here. 

As a couples therapist, I have seen many couples and/or relationships struggle, replenish, and also fail.

The main reason why couples therapy fails though is something that I studied as a graduate student. 

I even presented on how to ensure couples therapy succeeds at an AAMFT Conference in 2010. 

Many reasons on why couples therapy fails come to therapists making suggestions that don’t work for different types of couples:

  • Egalitarian or traditional marriage
  • Religious or arranged marriages
  • Long distance relationships 
  • Interracial relationships
  • Consensual non-monogamy
  • Polyamory and / or swingers
  • BDSM / kink / fetish sexualities
  • Open arrangements
  • Tantric and spiritual aware partnerships

 

Common couples therapist mistakes:

  • Increased time together isn’t going to work when there is no foundation of trust
  • Increased date nights do not work if the couple has sexual difficulties
  • Reading and doing the love language test is great until one partner is resentful
  • One partner overgives and the other continues to take
  • Discussing symptoms instead of the underlying problem
  • Lack of systemic awareness leading to presenting issue

So how do you ensure that your couples therapist is right for you? 

Instead of asking why does couples therapy fail… especially during a time like a pandemic and a systematic shift in the culture… begin to look for solution-focused answers!

Here are some questions to ask:

  • Do you have any positive reviews written online with clients willing to share their experiences?
  • Are you a marriage and family therapist?
  • What was your undergraduate, graduate, and postgraduate education in? 
  • Do you have a license to practice psychotherapy? 
  • What specific courses have they taken as a couples therapist? 
  • What is their experience in studying sexuality? 
  • Does the couples therapist give homework?
  • What are their expectations and outcomes with clients who do all their homework?

First of all, changing the language from “failing” to “struggling” or “avoiding” or “stuck.”

When we focus on failure, it helps no one and frames our circumstances in a losing situation. 

Generally speaking, couples and couples therapists should work together to identify the willingness to work on the relationship or end the relationship (ideally with a conscious completion). 

Amazing skills to begin before seeking couples therapy is our recommended reading of other blogs we have written, reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg, and The Gottman Institutes resource as they focus on conflict and communication in relationships. 

These tips can help, and yet the best thing to do is to work with a clinician or psychotherapy who has experience in couples therapy success, to help you guide you and your partner in this process to continue or complete your relationship.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

why do marriages fail

Why Do Marriages Fail During Covid?

Why Do Marriages Fail During Covid?

 

We are here to answer “why do marriages fail,” especially for those of you getting divorced during coronavirus. 

During COVID, many marriages have remained in close quarters with limited interaction with others. As a couple’s therapist, I have seen many couples and/or relationships struggling due to quarantine, and I am here to answer why do marriages fail and why are so many couples struggling during this time?

Most marriages and couples have not had to spend this much time with each other ever or since they were in the beginning stages of their relationship when hormones 

Why Do Marriages Fail

were raging.

Generally why marriages fail is due to a struggle in: 

  • Communication
  • Sex
  • Finances
  • Parenting
  • Differences in political beliefs
  • Expectations about the future or priorities

During COVID, why marriages fail and couples struggle is because these categories (communication, sex, finances, etc) have become exacerbated.

As with many things, why marriages fail boils down to communication. If couples were not communicating well before the pandemic, it is more than likely that that has not improved due to:

  • Increased time together
  • Increased stress
  • Limited outside contact with others
  • Limited ability to be outside the home and/or living area
  • Limited ability to see one another if they do not live together
  • Changes in work expectations
  • Telecommuting or helping kids complete school work
  • Lack of privacy
  • Conflict with other close relationships

 

What Can Couples Do?

First of all, changing the language from “failing” to “struggling” or “not working out.” When we focus on failure it does not help. 

Generally speaking, couples should work together to identify if they have the willingness to try to work on the relationship or end the relationship (ideally with a conscious completion). If both partners are willing to try to work through these struggles or difficulties it is usually enlist a third party to help (professional) whether that’s a therapist, coach, or religious member who provides counseling.

Within COVID (and also generally), boundaries are paramount. Being able to have boundaries around work, the relationship, family time, date time, etc. When we do not do this then we set our relationship up to truly have difficulty. Boundaries are helpful and within COVID, these are incredibly important, as there is limited privacy or socialization happening outside the home. 

Why Do Marriages Fail

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION! 

We communicate even when we do not intend to, which means both verbal and nonverbal. We do a whole lot of communication, so if you are communicating with your partner(s) then you may want to consider doing it most effectively. 

This is something that can be coached in sessions with therapists and coaches and finding strong resources. 

For those of you who are here to answer “why do marriages fail,” especially during coronavirus, I hope you have gotten some useful information.

I would recommend reading other blogs written in LCAT, reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg, and The Gottman Institutes resource as they focus on conflict and communication in relationships. 

These tips can help and the best thing to do is to work with a professional who can help you guide you in this process or work collaboratively with your partner to have a conscious completion (intentional, collaborative end to the relationship).

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

couple sex

Couples Sex is Unique!

Couples Sex is Unique!

 

Couples sex is unique to each partnership, and often important!

The thing is couples sex varies in your lifetime between you and a partner. 

Couples sex vary by individuals desires, yet we can agree it is often when both individuals are pleased and the relationship is thriving and growing. 

If you’re not in the habit of discussing couples sex, why not give it a try? 

For couples sex enhancements… continue reading! 

Step 1: Go to google drive, and start a shared drive with your partner(s)! 

There’s something magical about writing down your hopes and fantasies. 

They tend to come true! 

 

Step 2: Plan Ahead! 

  • Plan a weekly date night – for sex! 
  • Plan another night for talking about maintenance conversations
    • What do we have to buy? 
    • Is something broken in the house? 
    • Bills? Changes? Requests? 

 

Step 3: Work on yourself because growing is attractive! 

  • Experience vulnerability – a major component in intimacy. 
  • Learn about your own body and pleasure in solo sex!

 

Step 4: Support your partner by using reflective listening!

  • What I think I hear you saying is _____. Is that close?

 

Step 5: Don’t blame your partner! 

  • Couples sex is better when we as a couple are co creating with the world. 
  • We are not in charge of the world… yet we get to be in charge of what we say, think, and even prune and develop. 

 

If nothing else, use your imagination and fantasies you would like to try to make new couples sex experiences. Ask yourself: does my inner _____ (Stripper) really vibe with your inner _____ (Romantic). 

Maybe… or maybe not. 

It is good to know that those two are not going to enjoy showing up together in life or in the bedroom. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Questions for Couples

Questions for Couples Who Never Apologize

Questions for Couples Who Never Apologize

 

If you’re in a relationship and can’t ever seem to apologize, or have a partner who won’t, there are some questions for couples that you can explore to get to the root of the issue. 

It can be incredibly difficult to apologize if you’ve done something wrong, and sometimes it can feel like a sign of weakness. These questions for couples who never apologize should help you and your partner navigate the complications around apologizing and help you open up more loving communication. 

 

Why Is There Tension Around Apologizing?

This is one of the most important questions for couples who struggle to apologize. Until the “why” is addressed, it can be very difficult to move forward.

Open communication around how we hurt one another takes a lot of vulnerability, humility and bravery. It means putting aside pride, being open minded and letting go of being “right”. 

So ask yourself: why can’t I apologize? Were you discouraged from apologizing as a kid? Did you grow up in a household that didn’t value apologies? Do you feel shame and weakness around admitting you’re wrong? 

As a couple or as individuals, it can be beneficial to consult a therapist to help unravel what is blocking you from moving forward in a more open, communicative and humble way as a couple. 

In the meantime, there are many questions for couples struggling with apologies that can get the conversation going. 

 

Can you acknowledge your partner’s positive traits?

When you are seeking an apology, you can’t just demand one! So, start by acknowledging the positive traits of your partner.

When you are not in the heat of an argument, and want to broach the subject of deserving an apology, sit down with your partner and begin the conversation with the things you value most about them.

Explain why you are grateful for their partnership: perhaps they are supportive of your career, or are incredibly affectionate, or are a wonderful parent. Tell them you love them. 

This opens the conversation from a place of love and gratitude rather than blame and hurt. If your partner tends to become defensive in disagreements, this can help them take their guard down. It signals that the conversation isn’t about criticizing them or blaming them for everything bad in the relationship. 

Questions for Couples

 

Can You Hold Each Other Accountable?

The conversation can get a little more delicate at this point. It will require you to be humble and open, and accept responsibility for your half of the problem. Accountability for the way you respond to your partner, and accountability for telling them how you truly feel. 

Keep the conversation about how their actions (or inactions) make you feel: don’t attach intent to their actions. Something like “When you do X I feel Y” or “When you said X it made me feel like I’m Y”. 

It isn’t constructive to attach assumptions or interpret their intentions. Saying things like “You said that to make me feel stupid” comes from a place of blame, whereas “When you said that, it made me feel like my intelligence is undervalued” keeps the focus on your reaction. 

A lot of times, this is when someone will apologize. It surely wasn’t their intent to make you feel that way, and they may explain what their intentions were. 

If you are the person who has trouble apologizing, ask yourself: how can I speak to my partner in a way that makes my intentions clear without belittling them? Can I own my 50% and be humble enough to apologize for hurting their feelings or letting them down? 

 

Can You Conclude With An Apology?

If for some reason you have trouble saying “I’m sorry”, there are ways to apologize with different language. 

By acknowledging that what you did was hurtful or wrong and stating why it was hurtful or wrong will be a great foundation for forgiveness. Acknowledging the “why” informs your partner that you understand where they are coming from and will be able to recognize how to fix it. 

If you are the one seeking an apology, conclude with “what comes up for you when I say this?” Your partner may need time to process what you have told them. After all, they may not have been aware that they even hurt you! 

This question opens the floor for them to comment on their feelings, clarify their intentions and acknowledge that they have hurt you. 

There is a possibility that they will become defensive or feel embarrassed. This is not unexpected, and they may just need time to go and figure out what they are feeling and what they want to do. 

Questions for Couples

 

When Is It Time To Let Go?

Is it ever okay to let go without an apology? Yes! If your partner has shown changes in their behavior, or it doesn’t matter to you, or they’ve made it up to you in other ways this can be fine. 

It isn’t okay if they continuously accuse you of “making it up” or continue the hurtful behaviors. 

Gaslighting and belittling are not okay, and if they are unwilling to change or communicate, it may be time to move forward without them. 

Forgiveness is a personal choice, and you are never obligated to forgive someone for a major betrayal or breach of trust. Forgiveness does however help you minimize the hurt and grow from the experience, and keeps you from wallowing in bitterness and resentment. 

Forgiveness isn’t easy, and apologizing isn’t easy either! If this is a recurring issue for you, consider these questions for couples who can’t apologize and consult with a therapist to help you move forward- ideally together! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Tantric Sex

A Virtual Tantric Sex Weekend

A Virtual Tantric Sex Weekend

 

Why would you explore tantric sex at an online location like zoom? That’s SO weird.

Well… most people are finding their information about sexuality from pornography anyway. 

In the USA… recent statistics show that only 22 out of 50 states require health ed. And of those 22 states, only 17 are required to provide accurate info. That is actually terrifying. 

A weekend of sex, cave dwelling, exploring erotic fantasies, and moving the darkness of our self from the subconscious to the conscious! 

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” – Carl Jung

It makes sense given this cultural climate. I continue to hope that people wake up the societal notions that we “assume” as real that are actually just sociological ideologies. 

This weekend, at the Shadows and Light Virtual tantra festival, shattering cultural myths was at the center of the 3-day online weekend retreat. 

No matter HOW OLD people are, they are lacking sexual information… and information that is focused on mind-body connection and courage. 

 

So What Do You Learn at a Tantric Sex Weekend? 

Tantric Sex

Presenters from all over the world were sharing their knowledge while volunteers, like myself, provided emotional support to those participants that were diving deep.

When in a workshop like this, you are at choice, yet sometimes, it feels safe to know you have someone in the room that will be there for a private message. 

From virtual dating, to energy play, to sacred sensual dance, to meditation and yoga… the virtual retreat had everything you could imagine. 

The secret of tantric sex lies in putting aside the urgency of orgasm, and concentrating on thoughtful and delicate movements. 

Tantric sex is about using your entire body, your hands especially, your breath, and your mind. 

Therefore, even a simple, yet constant present mind awareness of asking yourself “am I breathing” acts as a strategy to enable you to melt into yourself. 

In the practice of tantric sex and shadow work, there is nothing more important than connecting with your breath, your voice, and your sensations. 

Taking notice of making sounds consciously with your voice! Sounds are also stimulating, such as a whisper, sigh, moan, cry and scream.

 

Tantric Sex Questions To Consider: 

  • How do I communicate in a sexual way with my body? 
  • How do I communicate in a sexual way with others? 
  • What does the sound you make during tantric sex, or any sex, say about your experience with your pleasure?

 

When Someone Shares their Sex Story With You, Respond By Saying: 

  • I believe you
  • I honor your experience
  • I witness your strength
  • I thank you for your bravery

 

Virtual Tantric Sex Dating Practices: 

  • Instead of focusing on Duration of your relationship —> Focus on going DEEP! 
  • Instead of focusing on Attraction of others to you  —> Focus on your own authentic sense of Self-Expression and have your tribe find you. 
  • Instead of focusing on Sacrifice for your partner  —> Focus on Supporting your own sense of Self-Care, so others do not have to take care of you.

 

Online Shadow Festival for Tantric Sex – My Takeaways:

  • Learn to build intimacy from self to self (and with others)
  • Ignite your pleasure centers by touching them with your hands
  • Improve communication by practicing it in a conscious way
  • Share in a way where others are supportive 
  • Challenge societal norms by noticing what Disney and pop culture frames as the “norm” within your romantic relationships
  • Practice consent instead of giving up, giving in, or overgiving

 

If you have any questions about a virtual tantric sex weekend, feel free to ask! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.