Divorce Therapy

All The Benefits of Divorce Therapy For Couples With Kids

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All The Benefits of Divorce Therapy For Couples With Kids

 

Separating from someone is never easy, especially if you’re a married couple considering whether divorce therapy is needed to manage all the emotional chaos you and your family are going through. Without a doubt, going through a divorce will affect you even more if you’re married with kids. 

As you’re trying to work towards separation with your spouse, it’s vital to constantly keep in mind how every decision will impact your children. For them, divorce will cause a range of emotions, from confusion and sadness to anxiety and frustration if they are not the main focus of their parents in such situations. 

Many married couples might think that divorce therapy is unnecessary if they both agreed that the divorce is the best outcome for them, however when married with children, there is an incredible value of having a therapist helping your family find the best solution for everyone involved.  

1. Your Kids Are Included In All Your Decisions

There are many couples who will wrongly assume that if they both agree on getting a divorce, their children will not be affected emotionally. Unfortunately, this can be further from the truth. You and your spouse can even stay best friends after the divorce, yet the change will have an impact on your children. 

They might not show it immediately or talk to you openly about it, yet changing the perspective of home for a child is never easy. Even moving to another city can be very stressful for them, then imagine how separation of their parents will affect them.

You should also think about suggesting a separate therapy for your kids to ensure they have space to talk to someone they will build trust with and get good tools to manage successfully the situation they are in. Regardless of them being in therapy or not, you and your spouse should start divorce therapy as soon as you decide to get a divorce. A divorce counselor can help you see the options that would be more beneficial for your children than the ones you are considering. 

2. Finding A New Normal

During a divorce, you will probably be caught up in all the emotional and bureaucratic chaos that it involves, and thinking about finding a new normal for you and your kids will require some time and energy. With the therapist’s help, you will be able to set quality foundations for your family. From basic activities such as preparing breakfast in a new apartment to agreeing with your partner on days to pick up kids from school.

If you haven’t found the calm and will to give your family a fresh start, it will be almost impossible that your children can do it without you. As parents, you both have the responsibility to ensure your kids feel safe and loved during the divorce and most importantly, after the divorce as well.

3. More Capacity for Open Conversations

When in divorce therapy, you and your spouse will go over all the issues, which also include the uncomfortable and painful ones. This means that once you discuss it in your therapist’s office, you can talk about it in front of your kids without the fear of it leading to a heated discussion with your partner. 

For instance, you might have already talked to your partner about how you will handle holidays and vacations in the following year. So once you arrive home, you can include your children in that conversation as well. This will help them feel heard during the separation of their parents. And also allow them to have the space to speak their minds and share their concerns. 

4. Setting An Example for Your Kids

Therapy is so much more than just reaching out for help when in crisis. When you and your spouse decide to go to divorce therapy. You are teaching your kids about the importance of mental and emotional health. From a young age, your children will be aware that talking about how they feel in difficult situations can make them feel better and provide them with the tools they need to be happy again. 

That’s why it’s crucial that you and your spouse are not hiding the fact that you’re in divorce therapy. Speak openly about it in front of your kids and share only the information you both agree is necessary. Also, make sure you keep in mind that you’re all a part of the team working towards the same goal. 

5. Building a Friendship with Your Ex-Partner

Once your divorce is finalized, your spouse will convert to your ex-partner. However, they will still be a parent to your children, so it’s essential that you both continue respecting each other and involving each other in conversations with your kids. Regardless of the reason for divorce, your kids should have both parents present in their lives.

With therapy, you and your partner will learn how to become friends who have their children’s best interests at heart. This will take time and will not come overnight. So it’s worth considering continuing therapy even once the divorce is finalized. While you’re both trying to figure it out, try to keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in your arguments and never turn them against your spouse. 

Instead, focus your energy on building a friendship with your ex-partner that will help your children grow into confident, loved. And secure young people who will have their parents by their side at all times. 

In Final Words

Getting a divorce is not something you’d ever wish for yourself, yet it happens. If you’re currently going through a divorce or thinking about getting one. Consider suggesting your spouse go to a divorce therapist. After all, they will help you get through your divorce. And also talk to you about any emotional issues you might have from before that are affecting you in your romantic life. 

With therapy, you will both become better partners in parenting. Better parents to your children, and better persons in your lives. And feeling good about yourself. Even in times like this, will make your children happy and build even a stronger bond with them.

 

If you want to improve your communication skills, even while divorcing, get connect:

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Biggest Divorce Regrets

7 Biggest Divorce Regrets You Should Be Aware Of

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7 Biggest Divorce Regrets You Should Be Aware Of

 

There is another side of getting married and it might come with many biggest divorce regrets.

If you have chosen to get married, it will probably be difficult for you to imagine that your marriage might end one day. However, divorces do happen, and it’s quite important to listen to stories of those who have divorced their spouses to try to avoid making the same mistakes.

Being informed about the most common divorce regrets will not harm your marriage. On the contrary, it might save it and allow you to fall in love even more with the person you are hoping to spend the rest of your life with. So, if you’re keen to have the marriage you will be proud of. Make sure you read our list of divorce regrets, think about them. And maybe even discuss them with your spouse.  

1.Depending On My Spouse

There are many people who will enter a marriage with unrealistic expectations or even wrong intentions. Getting married is something often seen as an achievement in life, instead of something that is your decision that came out of a place of love. Some people will assume that being married will make them seem adult in the eyes of others. While completely ignoring the fact that marriage needs constant work and investment to work. Another area where many people will choose to depend on their spouse is their happiness. Married couples will often blame one another for their misery, sadness, frustration, or any other negative emotion when in reality. Your happiness is your own responsibility. 

2.Not Communicating Your Feelings

The most common reason why both relationships and marriages don’t work is the lack of quality communication. Choosing to fix problems on your own or having your feelings not shared with your partner instead of discussing it all with your partner will cause additional problems in your marriage. During your marriage, you will experience difficult situations together on your own. And connecting with each other in times like these can only strengthen your relationship even more. 

3.Not Being Accountable Enough

Many divorced people will often regret they have spent all this time arguing with their partner and blaming each other for different marital issues when they were supposed to be more accountable. After all, by not listening to each other and realizing what you can do to improve your marriage. It will be almost impossible to solve any issue you two might have. So, next time, instead of activating your fighting mode. Try to talk about it with your partner, listen to them carefully and determine what you can do to improve the situation. 

4.Taking Couples Therapy More Seriously

It’s not just about going to couples therapy, it’s about taking it seriously. In other words, you have to be willing to put in the work that’s necessary for your marriage to function. For instance, your counselor might advise you as a married couple to go out more often or to talk more about your emotions. And not doing so will not result in how you want it to. You can go how many times you want and talk to as many therapists as you like. Yet the most important piece of that ‘marriage happiness’ puzzle is you. Whatever your therapist suggests because it might enhance the connection between you two, make sure you truly dedicate yourself to it. 

5.Not Setting Boundaries With In-Laws

When you marry the person you want to build your life with, keep in mind you are not marrying their family. As much as they should be important to you, they should never be equally important as your marriage. These relationships you build with the in-laws will affect your marriage, so it’s crucial to set boundaries. Regardless of whether they are rude, intrusive, or maybe even the best in-laws in the world. You will need to let them know that your marriage comes first. This also implies that you and your spouse have every right to decide whatever you want for yourselves. Yet also that you are keen on keeping everything that falls under your intimacy away from them.

6.Combing Their Finances

Often in marriage, we will think that everything needs to be shared, even the finances. However, if you were to ask the divorced couples, they would advise you quite the opposite. Not only will the money be difficult to divide if the marriage doesn’t work, yet it might also cause a lot of marital issues. For instance, one person might spend more than the other. Which might lead to blaming this person if you’re not able to pay or purchase the thing you were saving for. Such as a new house, car, or your child’s university. 

7.Being Addicted To Social Media

Yes, we’re all on social media, however, the hours we spend on these platforms should be used for something more valuable and real. Spending hours on Facebook or Instagram can harm your relationship because you might be oblivious of the signs your partner is showing. They might be unhappy, stressed, or sad, and you will not see that because you’re attached to your phone. Use social media as little as possible for distraction. Remind yourself that the fun you can have with your partner exceeds any entertainment your phone can provide you with. 

All in all, each marriage comes with its sets of challenges. This doesn’t mean you need to give up, it means you need to work harder to make it work. Having a beautiful, successful marriage will provide you with so much happiness in your life that no other thing can replace. So make sure you cherish it while it lasts.

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About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

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Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

 

If you ask your friend how to survive in an unhappy marriage, they will probably tell you to get a divorce, yet things in life are rarely this black and white. After all, you enjoy some of the things in your marriage. And you’re not willing to give up on them just like that. Maybe you enjoy the family life you built with your kids, or maybe it’s the fun you two have each time on vacation. Whatever it is, marriage isn’t something you just eliminate from your life without putting the effort to save it first.

So, instead of being torn between the two options – leave or stay – you should go back to the reasons why you got married in the first place and what you used to love and admire about your spouse. This process takes time, and if your marriage is something you once cared about. You should never leave just because you feel unhappy at the moment.

Go Back To The Beginning

To understand the source or sources of your unhappiness, you will need to figure out when you started feeling like this. For instance, it might be that you started feeling unhappy when you quit your full-time job and decided to become a stay-at-home parent. This might have led to putting high expectations on your spouse to participate more in family activities. Or romantic moments with you. However, due to their work, they were not able to live up to your expectations.

It might be that your spouse became distant due to work problems and that the two of you stopped communicating and being intimate. There are countless reasons why someone might start feeling unhappy in their marriage, yet the first step to solving it is to determine when and why it all started. And it doesn’t have to be just reason or one person that leads to you feeling like this, it might be a combination. 

So, make sure you ask yourself what changed in your marriage that is making you feel like this. If you don’t have a clear answer, make a comparison of before and after. Go into the most fulfilled phase of your marriage and reminisce on all the good things that made you happy in it. Then, do the same for now. What makes you unhappy? Are you able to separate expectations you put on your partner and reality? Which part are you responsible for?

Accepting Your Responsibility For Your Unhappiness

Before going any further, nobody says that it’s your fault that your partner is neglecting you, being distant from you. Or not hearing you when you talk about your needs. With that being said, we have to be aware that there is a certain amount of responsibility we have for each situation in our life. In marriage, as we’re so connected to our spouses, we often forget that we are two very different individuals. Yes, you might have the same plans for the future, the same values in life, and the same friends or activities. However, you don’t share one personality.

So, instead of blaming the other person for the way you feel, how about finding something that will make you feel satisfied and passionate about something new? It finally might be the time to take that pottery class, join yoga classes in your neighborhood. Or start learning Spanish or French. Think about the things that you always postponed because you never had time to do them, and decide to do them now. 

It doesn’t have to be anything revolutionary, it can be simple walks in the evenings with your best friend to unwind from a stressful day. And have a few moments for yourself. Once you focus more on working toward your own happiness. You will have fewer expectations of others to make you happy. 

Focus Only On Your Marriage

Only once you have taken care of yourself and implemented things that make you happy. You should take a new look at your marriage. There is a chance that the reason you were so unhappy in your marriage had nothing to do with your marriage. Or, it might be that even in your most fulfilled moments. You still don’t feel that marriage is the best option for you. Whatever your ultimate decision is, the important thing is to make a decision from a position of calm, happiness, and strength. Instead of frustration, sadness, or fear. 

Now, that you feel so energized and your life is filled with things that you enjoy doing. How does your marriage feel? If your partner is at his low, are you able to help them? Are you willing to motivate them to work on their own happiness, just like you worked on finding yours? 

You are married to a person, not a thing. What we often forget is that we all change and evolve, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Your partner might be stuck due to certain issues, yet with the right help, they might become again the person you fell in love with. That help can come in numerous shapes and forms. They can see how you changed and be inspired to do the same. They can start communicating openly about their feelings and what is troubling them. Often, people reach out to therapists to provide them with the tools they need to feel in control of their life and satisfied with what they have.

Saving A Marriage

If you’re determined to save your marriage, you should know it will not be easy. Everything that has unmeasurable value to us takes a lot of hard work and love for it to work. If you’re not sure whether you should stay and try to save it, think about how many months or years you have been unhappy. Compared to that, spending a few months trying to make your marriage work. While also seeking your own happiness, doesn’t seem like a long period, right? At least try to make it work by doing the best you can. And then you will know you truly tried everything. 

 

Couples Communication Strategies

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Midlife crisis affairs

Midlife Crisis Affair: How To Build Trust Again

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Midlife Crisis Affairs: How To Build Trust Again

 

Midlife crisis affairs are more common than you think, yet this still doesn’t make them easy to forgive. With so much fear around affairs in relationships and marriage, we tend to forget learning tools on how to deal with an affair if it happens, regardless of our final decision. Not to mention even just the fear of being cheated on can destroy healthy, long-term relationships.  

Once midlife crisis affairs do happen, both partners experience a wide range of emotions which are making it difficult for them to communicate rationally and find the best solution for the situation. No doubt, this is one of the most challenging moments of each relationship, and learning how to approach it right is crucial to maintaining your mental and emotional health.

Don’t Blame The Affair

If your partner had or is having an affair, try not to focus all of your efforts on blaming the affair for the troubles in your marriage. In most cases, the problems started way before the partner decided to be unfaithful. It’s definitely the easier route to express all your emotions towards that affair, however, is it the right one?

For those who are wanting to continue in their marriage, a reality check is inevitable. How long has it been since you and your partner have lost intimacy? When was the last time you went out on a date and just enjoyed your time as a couple? All these things affect intimacy, and blaming something or someone else for it will not make that problem go away. Yes, your partner was or is unfaithful, and that’s not okay, yet what you can learn from this experience is what will help you overcome it. 

Have a Long, Honest Conversation

Most people will be stuck in this situation and repeating questions such as ‘What was he/she like?’, ‘What was the sex like?’, ‘What does he/she give to you that I don’t?’, however, these questions are not constructive. Instead of letting jealousy take control over your actions, take a deep breath and ask questions that might save your marriage and help you do it right this time. 

The sooner you understand it’s not about who is to blame, it’s about what was wrong in the relationship that affected your intimacy. So, you should be curious about how your partner was feeling in the marriage, and what they need from you in order to feel happy and loved. Try to understand how your partner felt and what were their reasons for starting an affair, and avoid making them feel ashamed and guilty. 

Determine The Next Steps

Keep in mind that nobody expects you to forget about the affair immediately. It will take time to rebuild trust and intimacy in your marriage, so you’ll need to think of it as a process instead of a sudden change. It might even happen if you start the relationship completely from the beginning. Many married couples lost their connection years ago and they are completely unaware of what excites their partner, what are their recent interests, and what they dream about. After all, being overwhelmed with responsibilities will sometimes take away these valuable conversations from us.

So, start dating again, seduce each other, and share what you both need to make this work. You will need to set clear boundaries that will avoid additional complications, such as how you feel about having sex immediately, should you go to family gatherings when working through this affair, and if you should live separately during this period. 

Don’t Involve Others In Your Marriage

When your spouse cheats on you, you will probably first feel betrayed. This feeling might motivate you to reach out to all of your friends and family members to talk bad about your partner and turn them into a villain. As much as it is good to have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling about the affair, involving too many people might create a more complex situation than you can handle right now.

Avoid working on your marital problems outside your marriage. The person you should talk to is your partner. If you feel sad or afraid, share that with them. Understanding how you feel is what can bring your partner close to you again. Don’t think of this situation as a battle where one person comes out as a winner and the other one as a loser. You are both trying to save your marriage, and if you succeed together, there is no greater win than that.

If you become suspicious of your partner’s actions, call them out on it. Don’t fall into plotting conspiracy theories and scenarios that will only cause additional damage. However, make sure that you feel capable of giving your partner a new opportunity before trying to work things out and then using every chance you get to be jealous or suspicious of everything they do. 

Try Couple’s Therapy

Most couples who have been through a midlife crisis affair will need guidance from a professional. After all, it’s not easy to deal with all these emotions and try to make your marriage work, so many decide to go into couple’s therapy. A counselor will help you and your partner have more constructive conversations which will be beneficial for yourself and your relationship.

It will take time to heal and that’s completely fine, as long as you’re moving in a direction towards healing and not destruction. Therapy provides you both with a safe space to express your emotions and also gives you tools that can help you build trust again. The time you both dedicate to therapy should motivate you to make the most of having someone experienced in this topic to help you. Avoid treating it like a battlefield where you’re the victim, and your partner takes all the fault.

If you’re certain that you wish to rebuild your marriage and connect with your partner again, you will need to make that leap of faith and start clean. No resentment, no blame, no destruction. If you want to save your marriage, everything that is not working in favor of it should stay in the past.

 

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Divorce Counseling: How To Prepare For It When It’s Time 

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Divorce Counseling: How To Prepare For It When It’s Time 

 

Divorce counseling aims to help you and your partner to resolve the burning issues in your marriage. Or to help you go through a divorce. Sometimes, married couples will go into divorce counseling after a divorce was finalized as it provides the closure many couples seek to move on with their lives.

Regardless of the reason why you are considering going into this type of therapy, you will get valuable tools that will help you manage conversations between you and your spouse in a more beneficial way. After all, whether you’re at the beginning or end of your marriage, you both should be able to communicate your needs, fears, and emotions that help you get closer to your goal. 

Do You Need a Divorce Counseling? 

Conflicts are normal and expected in any relationship or marriage, however, some couples will struggle to address their conflicts in a way that’s productive for them. For instance, if the discussions with your spouse escalate quickly and turn into arguments, talking to a divorce counselor will help you find more efficient ways to manage your marital issues. 

If you and your spouse are at that place where one of you is just waiting to file for divorce, counseling will provide you with a safe space to talk about your problems and get tools you can use outside of counseling as well. After all, the real work will be done after you walk out of your counselor’s office and return home.

Also, if one of you two has already filed for divorce, counseling will provide the support you need while going through this stressful process of deciding on custody, alimony, and child support. Some couples will be able to work through their issues without a divorce counselor, yet it’s much easier to have a space for discussions and get a help of a professional in sorting things out. 

How To Find the Right Divorce Counselor? 

Of course, to get the most of divorce counseling, you will need to find a therapist that will make you and your spouse feel comfortable. You will be opening up to their person about your intimate and marital issues so it’s important that you feel like you can trust your chosen therapist. This decision will differ from when you’re choosing your own therapist as you will need to consider your spouse’s opinion as well. 

Many couples have said they feel a lot more comfortable talking to a therapist who is more or less of their age. When choosing your divorce counselor, another thing you will like to think about is finding someone who shares your religious beliefs. Or has experience in counceling LGBTQ couples. 

To avoid bad quality and wasting your time, make sure you choose a licensed therapist who has credentials related to solving relationship or marital problems. If the cost of therapy is concerning you. Ask if they accept multiple insurance plans and if not, seek fees that will fit your budget. 

What Can I Expect From Divorce Counseling? 

As mentioned above, people seek divorce counselors for many reasons. Whether you’re trying to save your marriage or end it. Having a professional there might make this entire experience less painful and frustrating for both of you. When talking about areas in which divorce counseling helps, these are the areas you can expect to improve: 

  • Communication problems: You and your spouse will probably have different communication styles, so therapy will help you learn how to communicate without arguing.
  • Intimacy issues: Maintaining an intimate connection with your spouse can be lost due to stress, so it’s crucial to find a way to restore it. 
  • Mental illness: If you or your spouse has depression, anxiety or any other psychological disorder, you will be able to learn how to avoid its effect on your marriage.
  • Healing from trauma: If one of you or both went through a traumatic event, you will need the help to heal and reconnect with each other. 
  • Family disagreements: You will not always agree on everything that involves your children and this might affect your marriage if you don’t manage it the right way. 

How Can I Prepare For Divorce Counseling? 

You might feel awkward before and during your first counseling session, and that’s completely normal. With that being said, you will need to prepare before going into counseling as it will help your therapist determine the most efficient way to help you as a couple. It would be beneficial for your therapist if you’d write down all the issues you wish to work on in therapy. 

Thinking of how long each issue has been going on and what have you both done to resolve it will also help your therapist to get a better understanding of how you manage these discussions and what you both need in moments when a discussion occurs. The same goes if you’re filing for divorce. Just write down issues that motivated you to go into therapy and what you are hoping to get out of it. 

Depending on the level of motivation your spouse has when it comes to divorce counseling. You can ask them to also write down things they wish to address in therapy. If you both put as much effort as you can into it, you will more likely obtain your set goal for the therapy. 

Conclusion

Reaching out to a divorce therapist is never a mistake. Couples always get something out of it, as long as they are ready to put in some work as well. If your spouse is not as eager as you to try therapy, before forcing them into it, have a deep conversation with them where you explain to them that you want to solve issues that are bothering you both so you can be happy and satisfied with your lives and your relationship. 

If you’re considering therapy during or after a divorce, share the reasons for it with your ex-spouse and tell them the benefits you would both have from it. Understanding your reasons for it will help the other person to sympathize with you and discover that therapy is exactly what they need as well. They just weren’t aware of it before. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Darcey and Georgi

Darcey and Georgi in The Trigger Tango Therapy Episode

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Darcey and Georgi in The Trigger Tango Therapy Episode

 

I had the pleasure of helping Darcey and Georgi on a January 17th episode of Darcey & Stacey on TLC and noticed how they were stuck in the trigger tango. 

The trigger tango is common in intimate communication, especially for those we are most comfortable with. 

When I have the thought that my partner doesn’t understand me. Instead of taking a pause to try to find understanding and compassion, we often raise our voices. When one person raises their voice, then the other either avoids, freezes or fights. Which could mean raising their voice as well. This is how we begin the trigger tango. 

Instead of being in the moment together using empathetic or reflective listening many individuals just begin to have harsh and critical exchanges with one another. 

Although we speak the same language, we have different ways that we conceive the specific words and tone someone uses. 

Since we have mirror neurons, when one person gets activated using a tone, the other person will have their nerves get activated too. 

Creating new communication strategies instead of getting into a trigger tango with someone you love is important for successful relationships. 

Darcey and Georgi

 

How to Stop the Trigger Tango

Sometimes just pausing your partner and saying “I feel nervous – as if we are just in a trigger tango with one another right now.” 

 

Call it Out

Discussing that you notice your partner and then referring to embodiment of your limbic system eliminates the trigger tango effect. 

The practice of noticing and naming the issue as it’s happening – by saying “trigger tango” – actually can help couples to remember that they need to slow and calm down. 

The importance of this is to eliminate the concept that we truly or completely know one another. And instead exhibit positive intention, gentle noticing, and work at breaking current negative conversation and communication patterns.

 

Take a Deep Breath

Now that we are adults, we often get triggered by things that remind us of childhood. A time where we were actually powerless. As an adult, there are many times I remind myself, my team. And my clients to take a deep breath and consider what you feel in your body. This is a quick and effective grounding technique. 

Instead of taking offense to someone else’s tone and getting caught up in the trigger tango. Taking a pause and breathing helps us to get in touch with ourselves in this present moment. 

Embodied connecting is really important, and when we are with another. It’s helpful to attune with each other instead of escalating. When we are embodied, we can observe our emotions and our partner’s emotions at a distance instead of acting out of our emotional state. 

We forget that unless there is physical force, we are not actually in danger, it just feels emotionally uncomfortable. When we feel this way, we can make a request, state a compassionate boundary, or invite collaborative conversation. 

Most people did not have communications training and do not know how to begin these conversations. You can start by learning communication skills or going to a couples therapist who is skilled in the chain of the Trigger Tango or within the reactivity cycle. 

Additionally, you may want to check out my therapy video on couples communications. 

Seeing a couples therapist to guide you on how to slow down, provide tactics and structure can be very helpful. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Darcey and Stacey

Darcey and Stacey – Couples Therapy on a Reality Show

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Darcey and Stacey – Couples Therapy on a Reality Show

 

Let’s admit it, so many of us indulge in TV entertainment, whether it’s binge-watching on Netflix or following reality shows like Darcey and Stacey. I had the pleasure to work with with Darcey and Georgi in a couples therapy session. Their objectives were to work out some of their key issues, such as communication and trust. This session was filmed by the production crew and aired on TLC on Monday, January 17, 2022. I am happy to share share this exciting experience with you. 

Watch a preview of season 3, episode 2 “Georgi and Darcey See a Therapist” | Darcey & Stacey:

 

 

Watch the entire episode of Darcey and Stacey (you may have to sign up for a Discovery account).

Reality Shows

In the last decade, reality shows have dominated the TV industry. From Keeping Up With The Kardashians and American Idol to Jersey Shore and The Bachelorette, these fake reality shows had dozens of millions of viewers watching each episode. With social media integrating into our daily lives, watching our favorite programs also includes following reality stars on Instagram and Twitter – curiously awaiting their every move.

The underlying factor that this type of program has is the involvement we feel when we are consuming reality shows. We start to feel like we’re a part of the show and the lives of people in it. So much so, that we are curious to see what will happen next. 

Watching Darcey and Stacey may make you feel the highs and lows of balancing parenting and the romantic experiences in their lives. It’s no surprise that reality shows have an impact on our emotions as well. 

 

Darcey and Stacey – Behind the Scenes 

My experience with Darcey and Georgi coming to see me as a therapist was great. I was approached by the producer about a month prior to conducting a filmed couples therapy session with Darcey and Georgi, because Darcey’s former boyfriends often said that she should see a therapist.

 

They found information about me and my practice, Life Coaching and Therapy online and liked what they read on my website and in client reviews about my methods and results. After speaking to them, I agreed to this session, because I am often interested in finding ways for couples that are struggling to come together and determine if their relationship is worth salvaging.

 

Darcey and Georgi and the entire crew were incredibly professional, mindful and curious. They were respectful of my office and health requirements. The crew was actually in my office a whole day.

 

Fake Reality Shows

My episode with Darcey and Georgi was actually a four-hour long session. It was edited down to about 10 minutes on screen. I sat with Darcey and Georgi and listened to the intensity of the relationship and the issues. I provided insight and useful techniques to help them meet their relationship and communication objectives. This is same way I work in my off-screen couple sessions. 

 

Fake Reality Shows

 

During the session the couple had a lot of conflict, but it was edited out of the episode.

 

What you see in reality shows is only part of the story. Reality show conflicts and arguments don’t happen or resolve as quickly in real life. Unfortunately conflict arises in all relationships, which take work to repair. It always takes time, effort, and repetition to build trust after conflicts.

 

Even the most dramatic moments of a reality show are edited and produced in a way that creates a certain reaction in the viewer . This is done to hook you into watching the show every week. There really was actual drama in the session. It just took longer to build the intensity than what was shown in the episode. 

So as a viewer, don’t think one couples therapy session can solve everything, because it cannot! Do not compare your life to the cast’s lives on reality shows.

 

Focus on building a strong relationship with your partner and prioritize spending quality time with them whenever you can. (This might mean watching fewer shows.)

 

Having quality relationships with people we care about is the only road to happiness and a fulfilled life.

 

If you feel your relationship could use communication help you may want to check out my therapy video on couples communication strategies and tactics.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

love language gifts

Your Ultimate Guide To Love Language Gifts

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Your Ultimate Guide To Love Language Gifts

 

Whenever we start a new relationship, we’re starting to learn a new language, and finding love language gifts for them during the holiday season is not as easy as it seems. Regardless of it, becoming fluent in your loved one’s love language is crucial to having a quality relationship. 

Understanding that your love language is not the same as the love language of your partner will save you a lot of headaches and provide you with so many benefits. Your partner might want more cuddling or more spontaneous experiences, so providing them with exactly what they need will set great foundations for your relationship and ensure you’re both enjoying it. 

To help you become fluent in your partner’s love language, we’ve decided to go over the best love language gifts you can surprise them with and enhance the connection between you as a couple. Make sure you go through all of them as you will surely find a lot of valuable information for your relationship. 

Quality Time

When talking about quality time, if this is something that your partner enjoys the most, you should focus more one on another. This means more than just finding time to do things together will not be enough because they want quality over quantity. For instance, if you already live together, why not surprise your partner with a road trip to the countryside? You can bring food and a bottle of wine and organize a picnic in a nice, quiet place with a great view?

Depending on your partner’s preferences, you can prepare anything they would like. It can be a hike in the woods, a visit to the museum, a weekend getaway to the closest island, signing in for a class or a workshop, or going to the movies. It really depends on what your partner needs at that moment and what will make them happy the most. 

Personalized Gift Cards

If you go and buy a gift card for your partner, how thoughtful would that be? In reality, you should spend time thinking about what would be a good gift for your partner, and what’s a better way than making personalized gifts? You can create personalized gift cards with a bunch of ideas that will make them feel great while going through the cards. 

From having a card for ‘a chores-free week’ where you would do all the chores so they can relax more to the one that’s saying ‘romantic dinner prepared just for you’, which would imply that you will prepare the dinner and you two would have a quiet, romantic night together. You can write whatever you want on these personalized gift cards as long as it has value for your partner. 

Verbal Support

If this is the love language of your partner, it means they will need a lot of verbal support from you and other people to thrive in their lives. Your partner will need compliments from you to feel like they are appreciated, loved, and safe, especially in difficult moments. So, to love your partner the right way and speak his love language, you will need to be supportive with your words. 

Tell them every day how much you love them and how much they mean to you. When they are talking about the challenges they are facing in their everyday life, make sure they know you believe in them and want to see them succeed in anything that is relevant to them. You can do so by sending them a card with kind, thoughtful words or even a text to help them start their day with confidence. 

More Cuddling & Touching

There are many people who need a lot of physical touch in a relationship and if you’re not one of them and your partner is, you will need to remind yourself frequently to speak their love language. This means you will need to stay a few minutes more in the bed before going to work and cuddle with them. This also means you will watch your favorite shows or movies and hug and kiss each other. 

One of the most intimate physical experiences for a couple is definitely sex, so try to always look at it as something more than just physical activity as it’s so vital for the connection between the partners. Whatever you choose to do more often to ensure your partner’s love language is spoken often in your relationship, never touch, kiss, hug, or have sex with them just because you think you have to do it as they will understand if the act comes from love or something completely else. 

Acts of Service

You don’t have to wait for a special date like an anniversary or a birthday to do something nice for your partner. Small things are what counts in serious, long-term relationships and how you both are making each other’s life more easier and enjoyable. So, if this is the love language of your partner, why not help them with small chores or run a few errands for them?

For instance, if your partner is working long hours, why not help them by preparing dinner for them and having a lovely evening when they come home? Or, why not organize their office if they work from home so they can be more productive? It can be even little things that show how much you love them, such as preparing them coffee or taking the trash out even though you’ve agreed it will be their chore in the house. 

Wrap Up 

There are many love languages, and your partner might speak some of them and others not. You might even have the same love language or you can have completely different needs to feel loved. It really shouldn’t affect your relationship negatively as long as you understand what your partner needs and provide them with it as much as you can.

After all, to love someone means to make them happy and help them to become the best version of themselves. Your love language should only be used with you, not with your partner, so once you do something nice for them, they will be motivated to do the same and strengthen your relationship even more. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Couple’s Sex Toys Everyone Needs To Know About

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Couple’s Sex Toys Everyone Needs To Know About

 

If you’re in a relationship, finding a few couple’s sex toys might bring that fun to the sheets you both were looking to regain. After all, it’s a small investment that brings incredible benefits to your sexual health and wellness. If you’re assuming that sex toys are not what you two need to spice things up and just unwind after a long day. Maybe this article will change your mind. 

We are used to spending hundreds of dollars on a treadmill, a new juicer, or anything else we believe that might benefit us in any way, so why not do the same when it comes to sex? Regardless of what you’re looking for in bed, you will easily find a toy that can help you turn each of your fantasies into a reality. 

Once you and your partner agree on this investment, the toy hunt can begin. You will find a wide range of toys designed specifically for women, men, or even both. Many toys out there even have a diverse use, so you can truly make the most of them. And start experimenting with different types of sexual pleasure with your partner.

To help you make the right choice, you will find the best sex toys for couples currently on the market and tips on how to use them for maximum fun!

#1 Magic Wand Original

How can you expect to do some between-the-sheets magic without a magic wand? Many are saying it is their favorite vibrator. And what’s even more surprising is that this Hitachi Magic Wand has been on the market for over 50 years. It has two speeds, low and high, and is a great option for different pleasurable uses for both women and men. 

The Magic Wand Original comes with a 2.5-inch soft head and is completely bendable. All you have to do is to choose between the two speeds and this magic wand will help you relieve any type of stress you might have. With your partner, you can use its good vibrations to heat up the things between you two. And give each other the sensations of your lifetime.

#2 We-Vibe Sync

This vibrator prouds itself to be the number one vibrator for couples. We-Vibe Sync is a cuff-shaped vibrator. And its top is shaped like a pancake ensuring it stimulates the clitoral part and a smaller vibrator that stimulates the G-spot while the couple is having sex.

The great thing about it is that the cuff will stay in the desired position preventing the device from slipping in and out during sex. If you and your partner are looking for sex toys that can be used in a pool or ocean. You’ll definitely want We-Vibe Sync as it’s completely waterproof. 

#3 We-Vibe Couples Massager

If you prefer stimulation over penetration, you will love the We-Vibe Couples Massager! It’s created to bring a lot of clitoral stimulation to partners with a vagina. The reason why this toy is so popular with heterosexual couples is that it can be used at any moment before. During. And even after sex. 

You can use it as a tool for foreplay. Yet it can be perfect once you and your partner have both achieved orgasm. And you wish to start the second round. Nothing will get you going like a good, stimulative sex toy that both of you can use.

#4 Vesper Necklace

Okay, you will probably not be encouraged to walk around with the sex toy you and your partner just bought, right? What if that sex toy seemed like an elegant piece of jewelry hanging around your neck? Vesper Necklace is such a sex toy you’ll love to wear and it can also serve as a great conversation starter with new people. 

Choose between three colors and three suggestive phrases to be engraved on the necklace for a more personalized touch. And, once the vibrations of this beauty kick in. You and your sexual partner can drop any conversation you were having and go straight into the action.

 

#5 Trojan Vibrating Fingertip Personal Massager

If you enjoy the sensation of vibration, yet would prefer avoiding toys that are created for penetration. This toy is the right choice for you. The famous preservative company Trojan has designed an exciting vibrating fingertip massager that will go beyond your lover’s touch. With it, the couples can enjoy the boost of high-sensory titillation while at the same time staying connected. 

Its simple design allows you to create layers of excitement with just your hand going from one part of your partner’s body to another. Including the erogenous zone and genitals. This personal massager is perfect for foreplay and during sex as it creates a complete explosion of pleasure!

#6 Starsi Silicone Rechargeable Waterproof Vibrator By Cute Little Fuckers

This is truly a unisex toy, as it can be used by anybody, any gender, and orientation, and on any part of the body. This interesting sex toy can be used over the nipples, vulva, penis, neck, or anywhere else where you think there will be beneficial and provide pleasure to you or your partner. 

Based on the idea that our entire bodies are covered in nerve endings. This little star will blow your mind as it touches your skin and moves around with your partner guiding it. Explore each other’s bodies and find an erogenous zone where you never thought it exists.

#7 Lovehoney Happy Rabbit Vibrating Cock Ring

If you’re into sex toys, you have probably already tried one of the rings on the market. However, there is nothing like this little rabbit. It will add stimulation during sex with your partner and because of the base of the vibrating part. It brings incredible clitoris stimulation.

With its bunny ears, this sex toy definitely has some charm you’ll need to explore further. What’s interesting to most couples is that this ring can be used with a remote. So the partner who is wearing it can control the buzz of the ring. 

 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

dating someone with autism

Autistic Dating: Keys For Dating Someone With Autism

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Autistic Dating: Keys For Dating Someone With Autism

 

As being single and open to dating isn’t challenging on its own already, dating someone with autism has another set of obstacles a person needs to be aware of.

 

Autistic adults just like neurotypical adults can range from no interest in romance or dating to highly motivated to pursue romantic relationships. There is no “normal.” 

If you’re interested to learn what you need to know when it comes to autistic dating, you can find the relevant information here. Whether you’re seeking advice for yourself, your friend, or your relationship partner, here is what’s important to keep in mind.

The Dating Scene

 

The hardest question to answer when it comes to dating is where to meet. If you’re autistic and single, you’ve probably tried going to your favorite bars, yet that rarely produces results. Fortunately, there are plenty of other ways to meet someone.

The best way to start is to think about your daily activities. What do you like to do? Some people enjoy jogging in the park early morning, while others enjoy taking long train rides home. It might be whichever activity comes to mind. Start noticing people around you when you’re involved in this activity and find groups on Meetup.com that like this activity!

For instance, you might notice someone you’d like to meet during your morning jog. Or when you look away from your book on the train. All of these moments are more suitable to start a conversation with someone rather than in a noisy bar. 

However, keep in mind that there are environments such as work that are not the best place to seek romance as they might lead to more complications than benefits. Imagine if the person is not interested to go out on a date with you and you will have to see them each day after you’ve popped the question. 

What About the Dating Apps?

If any of the examples from above made you feel uncomfortable, it probably means you need more practice starting a conversation with someone. And, that’s what makes online dating so popular.

 

You don’t have to get out of your comfort zone to meet someone and you can be in control of how much you want to share. Similarly, autistic adults can decide when they want the interaction to start and end. 

Getting familiar with a person before meeting them is helpful in more ways than one. You can easily see if you have similar interests, if you like how the communication flows between you two, if there is a romantic spark or a great friendship possibility, etc. 

This way, if you are interested in that person, you can plan ahead what to do and which topics to cover on your first date. Although there are great benefits to dating apps, be cautious and always put your safety first when you’re planning to meet someone in person for the first time. Also, be cautious from the first moment you start interacting with someone online as there are people who are using these platforms for deceptive purposes. 

Participate in Group Activities

So, if you don’t see yourself starting a conversation in a bookshop with someone you like or opening a dating profile, what’s left for you? One of the best ways to meet a person who will share the same interests as you is by participating in a social group or club activities. Group activities will typically be less stressful for an individual than one-on-one situations as the focus is on the activity.

There are various groups you can start participating in, from sports, arts, business, and so on. If you’re not a fan of any particular sport or art. You can always look for events at a nearby museum or restaurant. Maybe it will be karaoke, movie quiz, sports trivia, or something completely different. 

Autistic Dating

Some autistic adults have sensory issues, so these might be a concern when dating. If physical contact seems uncomfortable at first, that’s completely okay. If hugging feels like too much for you when dating, you can always go with hand-holding as an alternative. Another thing you’ll need to consider is the location of your date. If it takes place somewhere loud and with visual stimulation, you can always go somewhere quieter or take as many breaks as you need with your date.  

The toughest one is usually small talk for me, as someone who identifies neurodiverse.

 

When on a date, you can actually cover so many topics ranging from music, movies, sports, books, and anything else that you enjoy.

 

If you don’t have any idea on which questions you’d ask on a first date, just think about what excites your friends, and use it as your baseline. 

Besides small talk, dating leads to a build up of intimacy.

 

Before you start being physical with another person, make sure you have both communicated yes to it. In other words, make sure that both of you are intending to get needs met from the strategy of physical intimacy. 

 

Handling Rejection… And Moving On

Facing rejection is never easy. You can be the most experienced person in the dating world. Yet you will feel equally uncomfortable each time someone rejects you. It can also be embarrassing and painful, and that’s why you need to be aware of the possibility of rejection when you decide to ask someone on a date. If someone turns you down, it just means it wasn’t a good fit. You also don’t go around asking everyone out because you have your own preferences. The same way it is with everyone else. 

No matter who and how someone rejects, don’t allow it to crush you and never take it personally. Instead, wish that person well, go back to your favorite activities, and soon, you will find another person you like. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Happy Couples

10 Habits of Happy Couples

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10 Habits of Happy Couples

 

In successful relationships, you can expect to find 10 habits of happy couples which lead to long-term commitments that will enrich your life. After all, having your partner by your side surpasses your relationship. They are your best friend, your go-to person when you’re feeling down, your partner in all the adventures, someone who already has dozens of beautiful memories with you, and most importantly, the person you see with yourself in the future.

Yet, we all know that finding such a person is not easy at all, not to mention that maintaining this type of relationship is even more complex. So, what do the happy couples which are still incredibly in love with each other do to keep the passion strong? How do they nurture their relationship? Read more below about the 10 habits of happy couples and start applying them from today. 

1. Practice Zero Violence and Aggression

We all know that physical violence and aggression are not acceptable, so what happens with other forms which are not that apparent? Violent verbal communication can also cause a lot of damage to your relationship, and it’s crucial to avoid it as much as possible. Don’t attack your partner just because you assume something. Always go with an honest and open conversation, and start with questions instead of accusations. 

When we’re feeling neglected in our relationship, we tend to make the other person feel as bad as we feel, yet it will never make you feel better. If you feel sad, frustrated or afraid, discuss it honestly with your partner by only focusing on your feelings instead of trying to put the blame on someone. 

2. Be Compassionate

It’s very challenging to love profoundly if you don’t possess compassion for that person. Most discussions in a relationship start because we want our partner to behave differently. We think we know better and that if they do what we suggest, our relationship will instantly improve. However, it doesn’t work that way. 

Practice being more compassionate. Think about how your partner feels and how he usually reacts in similar experiences. Comparing him to yourself will cause more stress, because, you’re two different people. So, the next time you feel like you want to change something regarding your partner, stop and think about it from their perspective. Offer support and love and you will definitely receive more of it in return. 

3. Be the Dream Team

If you’re in a relationship, this also means you two need to work as a team. And not just any team, this should be the best relationship you have in your life. Invest the time it takes to be the best partners you can be to each other. 

When making decisions, make sure you make them together. More importantly, ask for your partner’s opinion on various topics as it will strengthen your connection and help you understand each other better. 

4. Make the Most of Bedtime

Although this habit might sound obvious to you, sleeping together improves intimacy in couples. Use the time when you’re both in bed to reconnect after a long day, talk about the events that occurred, hug, kiss, laugh and make love. Have fun exploring other parts of your lives you maybe haven’t explored before.

Let the bed be your own world. Don’t treat it as just the place where you sleep. Whether it’s in the morning or in the evening, you should appreciate these rare moments when the outside world still hasn’t kicked in and you can be focused one on another.

5. Be Intimate

Sleeping together is just one of many ways you two can be intimate. Being intimate is what differentiates good relationships from the ones that end. Happy couples understand they need to work on their relationship to keep it interesting. Whether it’s through deep conversations, dancing or cooking together, hugging each other, making love or seducing each other, intimacy is crucial in a relationship.

Most people will think only of sex when talking about intimacy when in reality, it is so much more than just sex. Intimacy is about that feeling of safety that you can be yourself in front of that person, because you know they have already earned your trust. That way, you can laugh, cry or be afraid in front of them, and you’ll know you’re in your safe space.

6. Go on Regular Dates

When was the last time you went on a date with your partner? Dress up and go to your favorite restaurant. And, don’t just do it to share photos on social media. Really enjoy these moments, be present and talk about the delicious food and the atmosphere in the restaurant.

Avoid talking about responsibilities, issues or stress. You’ve decided to do something fun to step outside your everyday routine, so try to enjoy it as much as you can. Talk about fun memories you share, your first date, the first impressions you had about each other or anything else that will turn this night into yet another precious memory. 

7. Consider Reading Books Together

We usually talk about reading together when suggesting solutions for aspects of the relationship which are not quite working as expected. Proactively reading can provide couples with numerous benefits. 

Use reading as an opportunity to learn more about your partner and yourself. Talk about the potential areas of conflict and clear them out before they convert into endless discussions. Having a professional next to you when you’re tackling these issues can help you solve them quicker and more efficiently.  

8. Create Your Own Rituals

What makes you and your partner happy? Maybe it’s drinking coffee together on the terrace before going off to work, or cooking dinner together to relax after a long, stressful day. Whichever activity you two enjoy, turn them into your own rituals. Dedicate time to it as it will make you feel better and connected. 

It can be literally anything, from showering together, watching a TV program together, going to a favorite sports game to walking your dog or home improvement projects. 

9. Prioritize Your Partner

When living together, you might forget that your partner has to be at the top of your priority list. Happy couples will always prioritize one another knowing that the other person will appreciate this and do the same.

For instance, if you were planning on going to the gym and your partner feels really bad after a business meeting that didn’t go as planned, why not go to the gym tomorrow? You can plan something together and cheer up your partner instead of letting them feel down and alone. After all, wouldn’t you want to be cheered up after having a bad day?

10. Plan Your Future Together

Happy couples are the ones that honestly believe they will stay together in the future. As much as you cannot predict the future, knowing that somebody wants to share with you more than just present moments is wonderful. Your plans don’t have to be something serious as buying a house, you can simply daydream about how you wish your future to look.

Also, this will help you two as a couple to move in the direction of your desired future. Keep in mind that quality relationships require work. A happy couple is a couple that is aware of this and invests their time and effort in it!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Your Partner Freezes

What To Do When Your Partner Freezes

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What To Do When Your Partner Freezes

 

If you were looking into ways to stimulate the vagus nerve, it’s probably because your partner freezes due to the dorsal vagal system. As the vagus has two branches, dorsal and ventral, the one responsible for freezing is the dorsal or back vagus. We share this primitive nerve with all animals, and it goes down our spine, impacting our lungs, heart, and stomach.

Usually, the dorsal vagus has a positive function when it helps our body pendulate between arousal and relaxation. Yet, when the sympathetic system gets too aroused, the dorsal vagus nerve might shut down, causing the entire system going into freeze. This usually occurs in cases of trauma and shame. 

When taking into consideration anxiety, stress, and depression, is it possible for your partner to become more resilient? There are several techniques you can practice the next time your partner freezes.

The Freeze State

If your partner is in the ‘freeze’ state, it means they went to the most primitive pattern, also known as the emergency state. If your partner is going through this state, it means they feel hopeless and are not able to find their way out. They will probably feel depressed, conserve their energy, dissociate, feel overwhelmed and confused. When experiencing the ‘freeze’ state, the person’s insulin activity and fuel storage will grow and their pain thresholds will grow as well. 

When they are in this stressed state which can also accumulate a lot of anxiety, it’s incredibly challenging to be curious or even empathetic. Moreover, they might struggle to break the prefrontal cortex, meaning they will not be able to function, communicate, guide, or coordinate the functions of different parts of their brain efficiently. Simply put, when a person freezes, they are not able to regulate their attention and focus. 

If this is something that your partner is going through. You are probably curious to learn techniques that might help them deal with it. 

#1 Deep Breathing

When anything is making us feel depressed, anxious, scared, or stressed, the simplest yet efficient technique is to focus on deep breathing. If your partner is struggling with freezing, advise them to start practicing deep breathing more. Breathing slowly and deeply will activate their vagus nerve. And send messages to the brain that will help them lower the blood pressure and heart rate. 

The best way to practice it is by turning it into a daily routine. This way the person will think of it as a solution more often when in this type of ‘emergency’ situation. They can practice it early in the morning before work or in the evening before going to sleep.

#2 Singing

This might not be the first thing that will come to mind when thinking about things your partner can do when struggling with freezing yet singing, humming or chanting can all successfully increase the heart rate variability. With the higher heart rate variability or HRV, the rate of morbidity and mortality will decrease and well-being and quality of life will significantly improve. 

If you wish to help your partner even more, why not help him with this fun technique? By turning it into an interesting activity for couples, they will no longer be focused on solving their ‘freezing’ situation. Instead, they will be busy having a great time with you!

#3 Exercise

You already know that regular exercise leads to many health benefits, so it’s not surprising that it also helps with the vagus nerve. Physical activity is good for your brain’s cognitive faculties, mental health, and gut flow. The reason why there are so many benefits from exercising is that it stimulates the vagus nerve.

When it comes to the types of exercises a person can do, it really depends on preferences. Maybe your partner loves jogging, so you can go with them to a nearby park for a morning jog. If they prefer going to the gym, why not surprise them with a paid subscription to the closest gym? Of course, if none of these activities is something you’d like to do with your partner, you can always offer your unconditional moral support. 

#4 Laughing

Your partner freezing is definitely not entertaining for you nor them, however, there are plenty of other things that make you both happy in this world, right? Think of laughing as a natural immune booster. Similar to singing, it increases heart rate variability. So if your partner doesn’t like singing, laughing will surely be something they might be more interested in.

Think about your favorite comedy movies and organize a movie night at home. Or, take them to a stand-up comedy event to laugh at jokes with a bigger audience. They might have a friend who is incredibly funny and entertains everyone around them. Set up dinner at home or you invite them to a barbeque. So your partner can have a great time and increase their heart rate variability without even thinking about it. 

#5 Cold Exposure

Being exposed to cold temperatures also helps with freezing in a way it increases the rest and digest response, however, be careful with this one. This doesn’t mean you should sleep with an open window in the middle of the winter or walk around with short sleeves when it’s snowing. It simply means that your partner can have a cold shower before going to bed, drink cold beverages during the day and spend more time outside if the temperatures are low. Introducing cold to your body helps also those who have sleep issues. 

So, your partner might need to think about changing their cup of coffee for a cold version of it. Or doing outdoor activities instead of staying at home or going to the gym.

In Final Words

If your partner is experiencing freezing and you weren’t sure how to provide him with the support he needs. This article offered you several efficient techniques that might help in this situation. However, it’s always recommended to talk to a professional as they will treat anxiety, stress, or depression better than these tools we have provided here. Be there for them and show them you understand what they are going through.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Sex With Wife

Sex With Wife: No More Taboos in the Bedroom

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Sex With Wife: No More Taboos in the Bedroom

 

If you’re married, a topic like sex with wife is something that will always catch your attention, right? There are plenty of reasons why sex in marriage is always an interesting topic, even for those who are still not married. Nobody can deny that sex is one of the crucial aspects of each relationship. So, if you and your wife have ever had issues in the bedroom, you know how frustrating it can be to discuss these issues and find quality solutions.

Marriage takes a lot of effort, and sex comes as a result of that effort. What changed from that era when you two were having a lot of sex? Are there any things you are missing during the intercourse? Is your career, health or maybe the relationship between you two affecting your or your wife’s sexual appetite? 

If any of these questions seem relevant to you, here is everything you’d like to know about sex with your wife, yet haven’t had the time or courage to explore it deeper. 

When does sex with wife change in marriage?

There is no precise moment when changes in your marriage start occurring, and the same is with your sexual life. Once married, some people will start to take many things for granted – eating breakfast together, cooking a new meal together, holding hands, cuddling in bed, and everything else that’s considered a typical activity for passionate couples.

The issues occur when routine kicks in, and you put your other responsibilities above your marriage and don’t make time for each other. And, that’s where the problem lies – intimacy. When you meet a new person, by talking to her, cuddling with her and, of course, having sex with her, you are both being intimate. 

Once people feel they know each other well enough, they stop being curious about each other. Yet, intimacy has nothing to do with new things or people in our lives. You can be intimate with your wife when sharing a stressful event from work or talking about a discussion you had with a family member.

These moments create intimacy between spouses, and the more you create of them, the more you will feel that sexual desire. Luckily, even if you find yourself in this unpleasant situation where you don’t know how to light a flame between the two of you, there are a few things you can do to improve things. 

What can I do to have more sex with my wife? 

If your wife is not interested to have sex with you when you propose it, there are several things you can do to change the situation. Start creating more time for the both of you which doesn’t have to lead to sex. For example, you can take her out on a dinner date in the same restaurant where the first one took place. Or, you can suggest doing an activity you both have never done so far (bowling, bungee jumping, snorkeling, etc.). 

It might sound harsh, yet you need to create more room for your relationship in your wife’s life. She is probably too tired of all the responsibilities and doesn’t have enough energy after a long day to dedicate her quality time to you. So, although you might not be motivated to do the dishes or wash the clothes, if it’s going to give her more time to be intimate with you, just do it. 

How to be more intimate with my wife?

You might think that you know all about each other, and even if that’s the case, do you know what she did today or yesterday? Keep in mind that topics for marriage conversations shouldn’t always involve daily activities and responsibilities. Talk about things that you miss, that you wish to do more with her, and ask her what she needs. These conversations are incredibly valuable and can improve the quality of your relationships.

You cannot expect to have more sex with your wife if other aspects of your marriage are failing. Clear the air first, and then the sexual desire will appear in both of you. There is no magic trick to bring the fire into the bedroom, yet it never appears when the couple has lost their intimacy.

Here are some ideas on what you can do to increase intimacy and have more sex with your wife:

  • Surprise her with a home cooked dinner. Light some candles, put on some nice music and turn off your devices. Make the night all about her.
  • Take her for a road trip to a charming city or village nearby. Use the drive to talk more about your relationship and tell her how you wish to use this day to make a beautiful memory for both of you.
  • If she is having a stressful day, text her you’ll do the house chores and that you already booked her a massage in her favorite spa saloon. 
  • If you’re working on weekends, invite her friends to surprise her with a bottle of wine and a nice talk in your home.
  • Write her a letter. It can be about how you feel about her, what you wish for in your marriage or anything else that might bring you closer together.

It’s quite simple actually! If your sexual desire hasn’t changed and hers did, something else must have changed for her as well. Does she have more responsibilities at home now? Has she accepted a promotion that leads to more stress? Is she doing all those little things that make her happy? If the answer to any of these questions is ‘no’, think about how you can help her. 

Which things can harm your sexual life in marriage?

Even with the best intentions, one can easily harm their marital life. If your wife said she is not interested, don’t push her. Rather, try to find out what makes her uninterested in having sex with you at that moment. Maybe the timing is not right as she feels tired, in pain or stressed out.

Also, don’t turn sex conversations into a taboo in your marriage. When you both have a moment, talk about what sex represents for you and what needs to change in order to be more sexually intimate with each other. The more you understand each other, the easier it will be to restore that connection.

 

How can you expect her to understand you need more sex or want to change a few things if you are unable to understand her first? Talk first, and once you really have more understanding of the situation you are both in, it will be easier to act.

Maybe you will need to plan to spend more time together during the week, send kids to their grandparents for the weekend, or travel somewhere to enjoy that good sex you used to have. And, don’t think of these ideas as a solution. You will not always be able to escape the city, or spend endless hours together on days you’re both working. Instead, think of it as a fresh start of a marriage you will both nurture by being more intimate daily.

Lastly, don’t isolate sex from intimacy, think of it as an entire package. The more you both are attentive to each other, that intimacy will spread around other aspects of your lives, including sexual. In the end, what’s better than having sex with the person you have chosen for a lifetime?

 

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Grieving an Affair

Grieving An Affair: Being The Other Person

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Grieving An Affair: Being The Other Person

 

When talking about grieving an affair, we rarely talk about how the third person feels in that scenario. We will talk about the poor wife or husband who didn’t have a clue what was happening behind their back. We will talk about the juicy details and comment with others. However, understanding how the other person feels and showing empathy for them is not as usual as it should be. 

So, instead of being quick to judge, let’s take a look at how one becomes the other person, how they feel during the affair and when they should end it.

The other person

We all dream of having the right person falling for us. We are helplessly in love with them, we marry them and we have a family with them. Yet, this sounds more like a fairy tale than a real scenario to those who have been dating for a while without success. Sometimes, regardless of being a man or a woman, you can even fall in love with a person that is already committed to another person.

You will try to resist it and not think about them, yet your feelings for that person will be strong, maybe even stronger than your decision not to see them again. So, you go for that coffee as you only want to talk to them and you convince yourself that what you are feeling will go away if you spend 30 minutes with this person. Unfortunately, you fall in love and become the other person.

You know you are not the person they come home to, cuddle in bed every morning before going off to work, and do everything else that you wish to do with them. The relationship they have with their partner is a bigger priority than your moments of passionate lovemaking, electrified conversations and endless illusions. 

And, as if these mixed feelings you have are not enough, you know that society will judge you, so you keep it a secret. Nobody will think about the way you feel as long as there is someone innocent in the story and you and your lover are the bad guys here. Incredibly unfair, right?

The lamb and the wolf

Usually, the affair starts somewhat similar to hunting. One person wants the other one for one or more reasons, and they start to hunt their prey. The person that is the prey is usually someone who is simply looking for love and has lower self-esteem. They might think they are not worthy of love because all of their friends are already married or they can’t get the attention of the people they like. There can be various reasons why someone will end up in a relationship like this. 

On the other hand, the wolf in this story knows what it wants. It will use flattery, manipulation, seduction, power, humor, intelligence and any other tool that will help it to hunt its prey. This dynamic of the lamb and the wolf is what attracts them to each other and as much as it’s an interesting game between them, it has its ugly side too. 

The other person knows that their existence is completely denied if a wife, friend or family member calls their lover. The other person will not be in the vacation photos that will later be shared with their friends or posted on Instagram. They will not be buying a home together and planning on how to decorate it. The other person stays in the shadows while their lover has another life with their couple. 

When it becomes too much to handle…

Affairs will happen regardless of what society thinks of them. Even your small circle of friends might have a strong opinion when it comes to infidelity, yet you might be caught in it. These things happen, but when it’s time to put an end to this and walk away? Here is a list of symptoms and situations you can use as a guide:

  • You only feel happy and in love when you are together. Once they leave, you immediately start feeling abandoned, sad, frustrated and/or hurt and it’s incredibly difficult to go back to your other activities. 
  • You spend your time spying on their online activities and sometimes, you are even stalking their partner to see what they are doing. You feel like you always need to know what’s happening in their lives.
  • You are comparing yourself with your lover’s partner. From the way you look and dress to the profession, earnings and hobbies. 
  • You try to start a fight over the phone when you’re not together because it hurts you to think they are happy, and you are left alone.
  • All of your plans will change if they wish to meet you. You might have planned something, yet as soon as your phone rings, everything around you disappears.

To simplify it, if it’s affecting you negatively in any way, it’s time to stop it. Maybe it was all fun and games until you fell in love and now you want commitment. If this happens, talk about it and explain that you cannot stay in this type of relationship anymore. If they are not willing to end it with their partner and focus only on you, they are not worth your time nor love. 

Focus on your healing process

Can you heal from being the other person? It might seem difficult, yet it’s not impossible. Most people who decide to have an affair when faced with challenges and doubts will feel completely alone as they need to keep their affair a secret. So, what can you actually do?

If you don’t feel ready to end it at the moment, that’s completely fine. Take a few days for yourself or you can even plan a short vacation. Think about what type of relationship you actually need and the partner you wish to have in your life. You can write it all down on a piece of paper or on your phone to understand what you are looking for. Once you know what you want, it’s easier to let go of something that doesn’t meet your criteria. 

Remind yourself who you were before you met this person and got caught up in this affair. How did you spend your free time? Did you use to go out with your friends on the weekends? Were you passionate about art, visiting concerts or maybe spending time with your family? Think about these things and start practicing them more and you’ll notice how the feeling of loneliness and sadness is slowly disappearing. 

As much as you want to keep this a secret, you probably have one person in your life who will listen to you without judging. It might be your best friend, cousin, neighbor or even your mother or father. Getting the support you need will help you make the right decisions and take care of yourself. After all, to love someone you need to learn how to love yourself first!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

How To Catch A Cheater

How To Catch A Cheater

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How To Catch A Cheater

 

If you’ve even been suspicious of your partner’s whereabouts, knowing how to catch a cheater should be a part of your love skillset. Usually, when your gut is telling you there is something wrong, it is because there is, yet it’s not easy to make decisions solely based on that, right? You will maybe notice subtle changes in your partner’s appearance, from being absent from home to being very protective of their phone or computer.

Let’s face it, with all these dating apps around us, it’s quite easy to find another person and even easier to cover your tracks. However, there is still a lot one can do to find out whether their partner is cheating on them or not. From looking closely at how they are with their phone to analyzing your intimate moments, here is what you will need to do if you want to find out if your partner is a cheater. 

 

Study Their Behavior When on Phone

Your friends might advise you to start checking your partner’s phone when they are not around and as much as this could provide you with more information, try to avoid it. Once you start going through their messages, phone calls and social media accounts, you will become addicted to the idea of checking it constantly. Even if nothing is happening and your partner is not cheating on you, you will be more focused on going through their phone than enjoying a beautiful moment with them. 

Instead, try to be more observant of their behavior when they are on their phone. What has changed? Maybe they are spending more time on their phone than usual or they are going to another room to take the calls. Be direct, ask who they are texting with or who is calling them, yet avoid sounding suspicious or jealous. Also, think about the time this person is calling your partner. For instance, if their coworker is calling them late and you know they usually don’t work at these hours, ask why they are calling and if everything is alright.

Another trick that a cheater will usually use is to change the name of the person they are seeing to something that will not raise suspicions, such as John from legal or Sarah from yoga. That’s why you must consider the time of the interaction and how your partner behaves before, during and after that interaction.

 

Review Their Social Media Accounts

Again a big ‘NO’ to hacking social media accounts as you will not be able to stop yourself and soon, you’ll be reading conversations your partner had with their ex five years ago and become upset about it. Just by visiting their social media accounts, you will be able to find a clue of infidelity if your partner is a person that shares a lot of details about their life on Facebook or Instagram. Of course, don’t expect they will publish a photo with the other person in the background, yet you might spot some other things.

For those who like to impress on social media, once they meet a new person and want to impress them, they will likely publish selfies, gym photos, their car, apartment or anything else that might show them as a great catch. You will probably not be able to find likes or comments from the other person on your partner’s profile, yet once you see they have changed their act on social media, it’s typically for a good reason.

This type of person will avoid publishing photos of you two, although they have maybe done it previously. So, take a cute photo with your partner and ask them nicely to post it on their social media just to see their reaction. If they post it yet don’t feel good about it, maybe it’s time to start being more observant of other signs of infidelity. If your partner doesn’t care much about social media, looking for signs there will be a waste of your time.

 

Changes in Lifestyle

Your partner will probably not buy a new car when they start seeing someone, yet other smaller things might change. For instance, they might purchase new clothes and spend more time getting ready to go to work or for dinner with friends. They might enroll in the gym even though they never showed interest in it before. Anything that doesn’t correlate with their personality and their personal objectives, be suspicious of it. 

Also, changes in your relationships might happen due to another person. If they always had dinner with you after a long day at work and suddenly, they are no longer interested or available, your partner could be cheating you. Ask yourself also what other aspects of your relationship have changed. Do they still try to spend their free time with you or have they found another hobby that’s taking most of their time? Are they still talking about the same plans you both had for the future?

 

Loss of Intimacy

If your partner is seeing another person, it will be quite challenging to keep the passion alive at home and in the streets. Most of the time, the cheater will have less motivation to have sex with their partner or to even talk in bed before going to sleep. Think about any of the intimate moments you used to share and enjoy and analyze if something changed. 

For instance, you both used to love drinking coffee in the morning and talking about everything, and now you cannot remember when was the last time you did that. If they are avoiding spending time with you, something is happening. Yet, don’t jump to conclusions. Make sure you are not feeling insecure due to your personal issues and whatever you decide to do, don’t attack your partner.

The reason why you shouldn’t attack is also that it will be different to study their behavior and body language. When someone is caught cheating, it’s never a pleasant situation, so you should be calm and rational to notice all the possible signs. And don’t skip the conversation and break up with them, each person deserves a chance to explain. Whatever the outcome, make sure you do all you can from your end.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.