how the other guy feels when it’s over

How the Other Guy Feels When It’s Over

How the Other Guy Feels When It’s Over

 

Love is complicated, especially if you’re in a triangle, and we often forget to talk about how the other guy feels when it’s over. Most conversations in the media are about the other woman or the broken-hearted couple who has gone through this experience and decided to either peacefully terminate the relationship or save it. Yet, we rarely think about how the other guy feels when it’s over.

Affairs and secretive non-monogamy happen more than we’d like to admit. However, we’re still treating it as something to judge and afraid it might happen to us eventually. As bizarre as it is, something happening this often is not that taboo. 

Talking About Affairs

You might decide not to talk to anyone about this experience, and that’s completely fine. Yet, talking about how we felt when it occurred, the reasons for it, and emotions might help someone currently going through it. Let’s say you were the one having an affair with the other guy. That person was present for some time in your life, and pretending they never existed is not doing a favor to anyone.

Who was this other guy? What made him so attractive to you? How did he make you feel? Responding to these and similar questions can help you to understand better what was missing in your relationship. 

how the other guy feels when it’s over

The Other Guy

Besides the individual level, we barely talk about the other guy. If anything, we tend to put all the blame on the third person for causing damage to the relationship or marriage. Or, we’ll portray the other guy as the villain of the story because he seduced the woman he wasn’t supposed to. 

When listening to stories about affairs, have you ever wondered how the other guy feels when it’s over? Considering their feelings and thinking about them is essential to understand not only love affairs yet also romantic connections and love in general. So, let’s take a look at how he might feel when the affair is over, and their beloved woman decides to either work more on her marriage or relationship or simply move on. 

Things Left Unsaid

When the husband finds out about the affair without the woman wanting it to happen, the affair will most probably end without too many explanations. A guy who was in love is left behind without a conversation explaining what happened. Did the woman get bored of their relationship? Did she fall in love with her husband again? Is she still in love yet fearing that the husband will do something to him? It is difficult to move on from a relationship if things are left unsaid.

Broken Illusions

As much as the other guy knows that the woman he is spending time with is in a relationship or a marriage with another person, he knows that she chose him for a reason. She decides to see him over and over again because she likes spending time with him. It is easy to start imagining that she will leave her partner and dedicate time only to him. After all, even affairs that are purely sexual can lead to having romantic feelings for the other person. 

So, when a woman decides to terminate the affair, the other guy is left with broken illusions. Everything he wanted is disappearing, and he probably didn’t even see it coming. As risky as it was to start an affair with someone committed to another person, it is equally risky to daydream about becoming a duo instead of a triangle. 

Low Self Esteem

 If it’s over, it’s probably because the woman reconciled with her partner. When somebody chooses another person over us, we tend to feel like we don’t matter to them. Not only that, we often start comparing ourselves to that person and start experiencing self-esteem issues. In this case, the other guy might feel that he is not worthy of the woman’s love because he is not handsome enough, smart enough, successful enough, rich enough, etc.

Although women more openly discuss these topics with each other, men will also feel this way, especially if they are left with a broken heart. Instead of blaming them, we should all remind ourselves that the other guy is probably not having fun when going through the breakup. They will more often feel either sad, confused, frustrated, angry, or despair than nothing at all. 

How to Help the Other Guy

If your friend is going through this situation, instead of saying to them ‘You should know better’ or ‘Next time, don’t fall in love with someone who is already taken’, provide a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen without any judgment. It doesn’t matter what you think about it as it already happened, and you were not one of the protagonists of that story to act in it. 

If you wish to be involved in any way, choose the kind way. Listen to how they feel and be there for them. When they are ready, suggest going out to a restaurant or for a walk, depending on their preferences. Help them close that chapter when it’s the right time and you see they are stuck in a circle of emotions. Invite them to activities they would enjoy, watch their favorite movies with them, or take them to a place they’ve never been before. These things tend to take the mind off the thing we’re worried about and remind us of many other beautiful things and people in love waiting for us. 

If you’re the woman who ended your affair with the other guy, don’t confuse him by sending messages or calling him. And if you decided to end it, stick by your decision if you don’t want to play with the emotions of another person. 

If you’re the husband in this story, don’t blame someone outside your marriage for your marital problems. Focus on strengthening the connection between you two and let the other guy process what happened on his own. It’s nobody’s objective to destroy someone’s spirit yet to learn from each experience and think about what is good for your wellbeing. 

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Is Webcam Sex Cheating

Is Webcam Sex Cheating & How It Affects Relationships

Is Webcam Sex Cheating & How It Affects Relationships

 

 The question “Is webcam sex cheating?” is one of the most asked by many people ask in this days.

In the past, adultery involved secret rendezvous, fabrications of “business excursions”. And embarrassing justifications involving the aroma of perfume on a dress shirt. Nowadays, hooking up online makes it possible to start a relationship with someone other than your spouse or partner. Since people are not in physical contact, it may appear innocent enough. Yet online infidelity is exactly what it sounds like: cheating.

Here are some reasons why you shouldn’t sign on if married or in a committed relationship if you have been debating this issue for whatever reason. “Seeing” someone online or searching for a sexual release and considering browsing online for it.

The Concept of Cheating

Webcam sex or cyber sex is a type of emotional affair in which one of both participants establish a sexually intimate relationship without ever meeting in person. They might never even exchange voicemails or see each other’s faces. Therefore, intimacy experienced online could not appear like a true relationship if there is a lack of actual physical contact.

However, just like a physical flirtation, an internet affair can have a lasting negative impact on a relationship or even the entire family. It may divert the unfaithful partner’s focus away from his or her spouse and kids. Depriving them of valuable time and attention and making them feel neglected and taken advantage of. And just like in-person relationships, online sex experiences eventually involve secrets and lies that have the power to shatter the trust that keeps a relationship intact.

The relationship is shattered when a spouse or partner is unfaithful, even if all sexual activities are happening online without touching or kissing the third person. People having affairs also frequently become unsatisfied with their relationship or marriage in real life, which can do more harm.

The Temptations of Webcam Sex

Digital infidelity appeals to people for a variety of reasons. Having an online sexual experience can seem risky and exotic. It implies that you get to visit a new location to meet someone who finds you intriguing or strange. Also, the webcam person is always at their best when they publish or stream online. Meaning it’s easier to fall for their physical aspect. 

Because it only occurs online, digital infidelity attracts many people. Because they don’t necessarily want to meet their affair partner in person. There is less chance that physical issues may arise.

Some people turn to webcam sex as a haven because they are unhappy in their relationships yet are reluctant to express it. For instance, a straight individual who discovers that they are attracted to a person of the same sex can feel guilty and feel safer exploring their feelings online. The same goes for someone drawn to others who practice a different ethnicity, creed, nationality, age, etc.

The Consequences of Webcam Sex in Relationships

Online sex can even lead to addiction in some people, complicating matters further. The amount of free time spent in front of a computer or screen will likely increase for someone addicted to cybersex, leaving less time and attention for their spouse or partner, children, and family.

Today’s webcam sites provide easy access to sexual adventures even if there is no personal communication between two individuals. Of course, if they have begun communicating, online adultery might progress to actual adultery, which elevates cheating to a new level. 

Remembering that one webcam sex experience may not be enough to halt the episode or stop it from happening again is vital because, like real-life infidelity. It is frequently a symptom of issues in a relationship. Talk to your spouse or partner instead of searching the internet for happiness or anything else you perceive to lack in your existing relationship.

Webcam Sex Is a Fantasy

Lastly, it’s critical to stress that a webcam person is not interested in your spouse. Camgirls aren’t trying to take your spouse away from you, and they aren’t even interested in your spouse personally; instead, they are more interested in what they can give them financially. 

However, that point of view is camgirl’s, not your husband’s. There is a reason why they need webcam sex, regardless of its frequency. It might be every week, once a week, or twice a month. The truth is that an issue in your relationship needs to be addressed. 

The Next Step

If you or your partner find it difficult to cease indulging in sexually compulsive behavior, think about seeking out individual treatment or couples counseling. By doing this, you will prevent both yourself and your loved ones from suffering significant harm. Not to mention that this is the only way to truly understand what causes the need to seek sexual experience outside your relationship.

Preventing yourself or your partner will not be enough to solve the initial problem. Let’s say your husband is indulging in webcam sex on his computer, and you’ve prohibited him to do that by threatening you’ll end your marriage. This doesn’t mean that the need for similar experiences is gone or that the reason for it disappeared. 

Most of the time, there are some aspects of the relationship that need to be looked at closely for the couple to reconnect again. Whether it’s physical intimacy, lack of time together, stressful jobs, or anything else. Seeking romantic connection or sexual pleasure outside your relationship implies that something needs fixing.

In Final Words

If your partner is engaged in webcam sex activities, try not to judge them. Try to understand their perspective and suggest couples therapy instead. A relationship professional with the right set of skills can help your partner understand the core of the problem and find the best way to solve it. And reconnect with you sexually and romantically. 

Depending on how you and your partner feel, you might strengthen your relationship through therapy. It might be the experience that your relationship needed to take a look again into the sexual connection you two share. And work through the issues that have been there for a while. Once you’ve both dedicated time to those issues, you might be able to even love each other more and feel a stronger attraction to each other. 

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Relationship PTSD & How to Deal With It

Relationship PTSD & How to Deal With It

 

Relationship PTSD or post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS) involves ways a person responds to being exposed to a traumatic event within their relationship and their intimate partner. Within relationships, all relational abuse types have shown to leave significant verbal, emotional/psychological, physical, or sexual consequences. 

What is Relationship PTSD?

Relationship PTSD is a subcategory of PTSD, where one person is causing PTSD and related emotional reactions in another person within their relationship. It mostly results from an abusive relationship, while not meeting all the diagnostic criteria to be diagnosed as PTSD, so experts in the field have started calling it post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS). 

So, Relationship PTSD and PTRS will be used interchangeably for the rest of this article. 

Therefore, PTRS will show some PTSD symptoms, yet it will often show more intense emotional reactions leading to negative social interactions. Most people will notice symptoms of PTRS once the relationship ends. 

During the relationship, what causes PTRS is the relational patterns and the relationship in general, instead of experiencing one or two traumatic events. A person who has PTRS will notice lower self-esteem, blame themselves for relational troubles, or feel more insecure than before starting the relationship. 

What PTSD and PTRS have in common is a belief that once one experiences a certain trauma, the world becomes an unsafe place for that person. 

PTRS Symptoms 

As said, relationship PTSD or PTRS might be difficult to recognize because the symptoms appear gradually over a long period of time instead of experiencing one traumatic event. PTRS symptoms can include various symptoms and signs, from a strong sense of feeling unsafe to be out of control or feeling shame or guilt. 

PTRS Intrusive Symptoms

Intrusive symptoms are related to experiencing the traumatic event again and again through:

  • Thoughts related to the trauma that appeared out of nowhere,
  • Flashbacks or having a strong feeling of re-experiencing the traumatic event through images, daydreams, or intrusive thoughts,
  • Nightmares or dreams involving the traumatic event or dreams where a person feels scared or exposed,
  • Experiencing extreme distress when reminded of the trauma by your intimate partner or anyone else,
  • Intensive emotional responses to typical, everyday situations. 

PTRS Arousal Symptoms

Arousal symptoms refer to the symptoms around the fear response such as:

  • Higher irritability with minimum or zero provocation,
  • Insomnia or having sleep problems, whether when falling or staying asleep,
  • Hypervigilance or being constantly alert when something reminds you of the trauma.

PTRS Relational Symptoms

Relational symptoms are the ones creating stress in other relationships such as: 

  • Having issues with trusting other people or socializing,
  • Loneliness or isolation,
  • Starting a new relationship quickly, 
  • Shame, guilt, or self-blame,
  • Sexual dysfunction or fear of being physically intimate with your new partner,
  • A strong feeling that the world is unsafe. 

What Causes Relationship PTSD?

The trauma that is causing relationship PTSD might be from any type of relational abuse, yet unlike traditional PTSD, it only occurs with your intimate partner rather than experiencing a traumatic event outside the context of your intimate relationship.

Most often, there is not just one event that caused PTRS, yet several incidents in an abusive relationship might lead to PTRS. There are many unhealthy relational patterns such as belittling, controlling, gaslighting or constantly criticizing the other person which are all signs of emotional abuse.

Unlike emotional, physical abuse is much more evident and it is often noticed by other people outside your relationship. Physical abuse refers to hitting, punching, or any attempt to purposely injure your intimate partner. In relationships, there is also a possibility of experiencing sexual abuse in a form of non-consensual sex or sexual coercion. 

What is important to keep in mind is that every person responds to traumatic events differently, especially within the context of an intimate relationship. Also, what is considered a traumatic exposure to one person might not affect someone else at all. This is why it is very important to be aware of how you feel in your relationship and how your partner is making you feel to understand if there is anything that might or is already causing PTRS. 

The Healing Process

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you should suggest therapy. Healing is a long-term process if you’ve been in an abusive relationship and think you have PTRS. However, the first step to healing is talking about it with a professional who will guide you and help you learn techniques to overcome the traumatic relationship and be able to start a new, healthy one. 

Another thing you need to know is that you cannot accelerate the healing process. For instance, if you’ve been in an abusive relationship for years, it will take more than just a month to heal properly and be able to live your life as you did before the relationship started. Also, the type of abuse and the frequency of it happening in the relationship are important factors that will affect the healing process.

Because relationship PTSD affects different people differently, the healing process and everything about it can differ from one person to another. For instance, your therapist might use a different approach than your friend’s therapist who has also been in an abusive relationship. Besides being exposed to different types of abuse, someone’s personality type and previous experience will also have an impact on how someone is responding to traumatic exposure in their intimate relationship.

Conclusion

A relationship PTSD or post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS) happens when a person has been exposed to patterns of traumatic events or behaviors caused by their intimate partner. Symptoms and signs of PTRS are not noticeable immediately as they develop over time, and are not visible to the eye, except for physical abuse. 

If a person ends the abusive relationship and their intimate partner is no longer present in their lives, PTRS symptoms will continue and affect how this person interacts and connects with other people, especially within the romantic context. That is why it’s best to seek help in a form of a therapist who has enough experience with PTRS. Such therapists can help you heal from the relationship you had and help you start a new relationship when you’re ready without the baggage from the past

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Is My Husband Gay & What To Do About It

Is My Husband Gay & What To Do About It

 

If you’re asking yourself ‘Is my husband gay?’ then this article is for you. Not every gay person will come out to you easily, even if we’re talking about spouses. Our sexuality can be something we struggle to understand on our own, let alone be able to have conversations about it. 

So, before you accuse your partner of hiding this secret from you, let’s look at the most common signs to answer is my husband gay and if he, then what.

How to Tell if Your Husband Is Gay

Of course, the clearest and easiest way to find out if your husband is gay is if he tells you. Unfortunately, many gay husbands will hide their homosexuality from their heterosexual spouses, who begin to wonder should they confront their gay husbands and how. These are some of the signs you should look for:

  • The lack of or decrease in sexual activity throughout the years. He will maybe try to tell you that sex is not an important aspect of your marriage for him or that is normal for couples to have less sex when in long-term relationships. 
  • He doesn’t get sexually excited by normal sexual activities and accuses you of being too aggressive or a nymphomaniac when having normal sexual needs. 
  • In bed, he acts more mechanical than passionate with a lack of interest in foreplay.
  • He might claim he feels depressed, frustrated, or under a lot of pressure for a long period of time and blame it for his lack of sexual desire.
  • Hides sexual enhancers like Viagra or Cialis, yet doesn’t show interest in having sex with you.
  • He likes kinky sex and suggests using sex toys that will stimulate his prostate. 
  • His computer history is often deleted and doesn’t show any recent search results. 
  • You have found gay pornography on his phone, computer, or magazines hidden somewhere in the bedroom, while he claims they are not his. 
  • He has started investing more time in himself by going to the gym and working on changing the way he looks. 
  • Says he is not happy in the marriage, yet is unable to explain the reasons for it. 
  • He is often unavailable and tells you he is working long hours or doing activities you cannot track. 
  • He shared he was sexually abused in his childhood or adolescence. 
  • Refers a lot to homosexuality in conversations, whether it’s to make homophobic comments or any gay-related comments. 

Keep in mind that exposing just one of the signs doesn’t imply your husband is gay. For instance, if your husband has decided to go to the gym more often, it might be because he is worried about his health or he wants to impress you. However, if you noticed more than two signs in your marriage, it is time to seriously consider the fact that your husband is gay. 

Is He Gay? Yes, He Is Gay – What to Do? 

If these signs constantly appear in your marriage and you’ve been suspecting for a while now, chances are your husband is gay. It’s completely normal feeling a combination of emotions and feeling lost when trying to find the best way to handle it. Most women in this situation have reported experiencing guilt, shame, devastation, hurt, rage, betrayal, repulsion, and responsibility. Of course, each experience depends on the individual, so make sure you allow yourself some time to process all of it. 

The first thing you will need to do is accept it’s nobody’s fault. Your husband is not intentionally gay just to hurt you nor you are guilty because you haven’t realized your husband is gay before you married him. Your husband’s homosexuality is his responsibility and you couldn’t affect it in any way. There are many reasons why men are not embracing their homosexuality and marry a heterosexual woman, from thinking it will erase their homosexuality to belonging to a traditional family, like the one he grew up in. You will know the reason only if you talk to your husband. 

Try to first process it on your own because the conversation will not be productive for either of you if you’re unable to talk rationally. Try to explain how you feel to yourself first before going to your husband. Be clear on how to verbalize everything that is happening in your mind or heart, and find appropriate words. Prepare yourself for tears and don’t waste your energy on building the facade to show you’re not hurt. You are, and you have every right to be. 

The Talk

Once you feel prepared for the conversation, invite your husband to talk about it. As you will be the one who will reveal his secret, keep in mind that setting the tone for the conversation is important. Try not to attack, blame, shout, or say anything that might make him abandon the conversation. You deserve to know his side of the story and by being calm and asking the right questions, you might get that. 

First, tell him you’ve been suspecting for a while he is gay and lists the signs that confirm that suspicion. While doing so, make sure you’re not rushing into proving you’re right. Instead, share with him how all of this made you feel and that you understand there is nothing to do about his homosexuality, yet your marriage is the responsibility of both. Ask him why he has never told you that he is gay. Ask him how long he knows the truth about his same sex orientation.. 

Whatever was tormenting you while gathering evidence of is my husband gay,, ask him. However, make sure these questions are not filled with blame and accusations. For instance, instead of asking ‘How could you do this to me and our marriage?’, you can ask ‘What was stopping you from telling me the truth?’. 

Keep in mind it’s not just the words you choose, it’s the tone you use to talk to him. It’s the place and time you have chosen for this conversation. Besides having control over the conversation, you are the one who is putting his secret out in the open, so make sure you’re also aware of that. Not to say you’re not the victim here, because you are, yet you will get more value from an honest, open talk than blaming him for destroying your marriage. 

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Couples Therapy Internship: What To Expect

Couples Therapy Internship: What To Expect

 

We tend to think that a couples therapy internship is something time limited. Although can be true, some couples therapy internships are extended beyond their one year contract. I know for me, this was the case and many of my other friends who had internships. 

Therefore, if you feel unhappy together and are considering breaking up with each other. Seeing a couples therapy intern could be a good decision for you.

Couples therapy internships are there to help couples solve issues. And remove obstacles in a relationship that typically prevents the couple from being intimate. Similarly, it also strengthens the connection between these two individuals by providing them with tools and techniques that help them understand each other. 

Regardless of whether your relationship is at its peak moments or you’re both struggling to find a reason to stay together. You can consider seeing a therapist who is completing a couples therapy internship. 

In the first scenario, it will help you maintain things just the way they are and prepare you how to deal with issues successfully when they appear to not harm your happiness. In the second scenario, the therapy will show you and your partner a new way of communicating that is not destructive. And brings you closer to your shared goal, whichever goal might be. 

Share Information About Your Relationship

A therapist will need to learn information about your relationship and you as individuals. Typically, the first session helps your therapist to get to know each of you on a personal level. Prepare to be asked a wide range of questions, from your childhood experiences and your family to how you met each other and the reasons for falling in love. 

While you both might be eager to jump into the discussion and share with the therapist the last argument you just had when leaving home, trust the process. Your therapist first needs the information about you as a couple to be able to understand the roots of the problems appearing in the relationship and find solutions that will work for you.

Don’t expect to go into details about your problems in your first session. Many people get discouraged after their first session because they haven’t talked in detail about the issues they are having with their partner. However, a therapist cannot advise on your relationship if they do not know you. The first sessions are about gathering information, whether it is a therapist or a therapy intern. 

Going to the Root of the Problems

There are many reasons why couples decide to go to couples therapy, with most of them involving having the same arguments over and over again, avoiding fighting and ignoring problems, and physical intimacy problems. 

Instead of worrying about what the therapist will say, you should think about all the issues you wish to address in the therapy. Also, don’t just prepare all arguments against your partner. Take a moment to see which of your actions are leading to heated discussions and which aspects of your personality are not that beneficial for yourself and your relationship.

Another thing that many couples do when going into therapy is having a strong opinion about the main problem of their relationship. For instance, you might feel that all the issues in the relationship arise from a lack of physical intimacy. And your therapist might discover that your relationship actually lacks trust and communication. 

While sharing your concerns in therapy, your therapist will be the one connecting the dots and seeking the root of your problem. They will also be the ones suggesting solutions and methods that will help you maintain a fulfilled, healthy relationship. 

Setting Goals and a Timeline

Once the couple is aware of the root of their relationship problem, they can start developing their goals for therapy. Usually, a therapist will assist you as a couple to determine these goals. After all, not all couples will have the same goals. Maybe you wish to fall in love again or enhance your communication. Maybe you wish to fight less because your children are always in the middle of it. Your goal will be tied to the solution of the main problem in your relationship. 

Of course, some couples will decide that the best goal for couples therapy is ending the relationship on good terms. During therapy, couples who are exhausted from fighting and really don’t see things changing in the near future might realize that there is nothing more to save in their relationship. Here, the therapy will serve them to learn how to let go of their relationship and all the problems healthily. This becomes incredibly valuable when stepping into a new relationship because the individuals from the relationship will not bring their old-relationship problems into a new one. 

Also, your couple therapy goals can change over the course of therapy. However, setting the goals is important because it provides couples with direction and it puts them on the same team as opposed to fighting each other all the time. Once the goals are determined, your therapist will help you develop a timeline. In other words, this takes into account how many months or years of therapy you will need to solve your main problems. This time can be also seen as a new, exciting period of a relationship.

Learning New Skills

You cannot solve the problem by applying the same method over and over again. If it didn’t work once, twice, or three times, you should probably seek a better solution. In couples therapy, couples are learning new skills that will benefit their relationship outside the sessions as well. 

The most common skills a couple will learn in therapy are: 

  • Communication skills,
  • Patience,
  • Forgiveness,
  • Trust and honesty,
  • Selflessness,
  • Stress management.

The majority of couples will have these skills, yet they forget about them at some point in the relationship. Therapy will remind you of how these skills can improve your relationship and bring you closer to your partner. Also, your couples therapy internship therapist will share methods to practice at home if you desire. After all, the most important work in therapy can be done at home with your partner. 

Your couples therapy internship therapist is providing you with guidance and valuable information, yet they are not able to repair a relationship on their own. That is why it is essential for you to do everything you can to rebuild the relationship and feel intimate with each other again. 

To see some of our fabulous couples therapy internship therapists, please grab a spot by emailing info@LCATLLC.com. They offer low rate cash sessions and a variety of options between telehealth and in person spots. 

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Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

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Top Phrases That Doomed Couples Say

Top Phrases That Doomed Couples Say

 

If you’re wondering what might be these top phrases that doomed couples say, you’ll be surprised how many times you have heard them so far. Whether it’s from parents in your child’s school, your neighbors, or your colleagues at work, how someone talks and what they talk about tells a lot about their relationship and life in general. 

For instance, couples that are trying to make you feel miserable, trying to make you live their lives, or putting you in the middle of their drama are some of the situations we’ll cover in this article. Words are a powerful weapon, yet they are also a great indicator of relationship quality.

Maybe you have an old friend and you’re worried about their partner not being the best choice for them or you don’t want to be near messy relationships. Whatever the reason might be, these phrases will help you understand when you should stop spending time with a couple that takes the fun out of every lovely dinner or barbeque party.

1. “This was the first time we fought in public.”

You’re at a great restaurant with this couple your spouse invited after a business meeting and as much as you were looking forward to it, the tension between the couple destroyed the entire night. They are sarcastically responding and interrupting each other until the moment when things get so heated that they start to fight loud in front of you and the entire restaurant. 

After the fight, they will start apologizing and saying this was the first time they fought in public. They will show all the signs of embarrassment and ask you to forgive them. However, this type of couple rarely does only one show like this in their relationship and you might end up in the middle of another scene if you continue spending time with them. 

2. “You have to have kids, it will fulfill your life just like it did to us.”

When will you get married? When will you two have kids? Why don’t you work on the second child so your kid doesn’t feel lonely? 

How many times have you heard these questions from your family, distant relatives, and colleagues, and when a couple with kids starts asking these questions, they become even more frustrated. Many couples who others will only be happy if they do the same things they did are not happy at all. 

These people rarely don’t know what happiness or fulfillment is because happiness can mean different things to different people. One person can be perfectly happy in a marriage with children, while another will feel more fulfilled with their career or having a vivid social life. 

3. “You can do so much better.”

Although we’ve all been in one of those relationships where we know that the other person is not right for us, judging your new date just on their looks or the short amount of time a couple spent talking to your date is unacceptable. Mostly, this phrase will refer to the way someone looks or their profession, and doesn’t consider other. More relevant factors like the connection you two share, their emotional intelligence, the way they treat you, etc.

Many couples who believe that their status is the most important thing on the planet will try to get you in that game with them. They will advise you to spend too much money on clothes you can’t afford, go out only with people who are at your level or higher, go with them on luxury trips, and more. Yet, if this is not something you are looking for yourself, this type of comment might make you feel uncomfortable and the best thing would be just to leave with your date.

4. “Men/women here are difficult to date, you should try to find someone in more exotic countries.”

Don’t take dating advice from people who blame the entire culture when it’s difficult to find someone to click with. There is indeed nothing wrong with falling in love with someone from a different country, yet that isn’t the factor that will make someone a more desirable partner. If the person is interesting to you, it truly doesn’t matter if they are from your city, another country. Or even continent. 

By following such advice, you are setting yourself up for failure. You don’t fall in love with someone’s culture, you fall in love with them as a person. If you haven’t been on a nice date for a while, the least you can do is not to listen to a couple who has been in your shoes long ago.

5. “We’re the nicest couple you’ll ever meet.”

 Wow, how many times have you heard this one? Typically, those who will say they are the nicest couple or persons are the opposite of it in general. That said, it doesn’t mean they will convert to your worst enemies. It simply means that these people feed off impressing other people and not making real connections with them.

They will often lack social skills and emotional intelligence. So when talking to them each time, you might feel like they are not listening to you or don’t care about you. And probably, you are right. While you’re interacting with them, they are already scanning the room to find a new person to impress.

The Bottom Line

You will know you are talking to a doomed couple if, during the conversation. They are making you feel uncomfortable in any way. They can be passive-aggressive with a smile on their face and seem like they are trying their best to be your friends, yet something doesn’t feel right. You will often not know how to describe it or explain it to another person, and you will not have to. If you feel this way, it means that you are dealing with a doomed couple. So, the best thing to do would be to just leave and never put yourself in this type of situation anymore.

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Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

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Divorce Therapy

All The Benefits of Divorce Therapy For Couples With Kids

All The Benefits of Divorce Therapy For Couples With Kids

 

Separating from someone is never easy, especially if you’re a married couple considering whether divorce therapy is needed to manage all the emotional chaos you and your family are going through. Without a doubt, going through a divorce will affect you even more if you’re married with kids. 

As you’re trying to work towards separation with your spouse, it’s vital to constantly keep in mind how every decision will impact your children. For them, divorce will cause a range of emotions, from confusion and sadness to anxiety and frustration if they are not the main focus of their parents in such situations. 

Many married couples might think that divorce therapy is unnecessary if they both agreed that the divorce is the best outcome for them, however when married with children, there is an incredible value of having a therapist helping your family find the best solution for everyone involved.  

1. Your Kids Are Included In All Your Decisions

There are many couples who will wrongly assume that if they both agree on getting a divorce, their children will not be affected emotionally. Unfortunately, this can be further from the truth. You and your spouse can even stay best friends after the divorce, yet the change will have an impact on your children. 

They might not show it immediately or talk to you openly about it, yet changing the perspective of home for a child is never easy. Even moving to another city can be very stressful for them, then imagine how separation of their parents will affect them.

You should also think about suggesting a separate therapy for your kids to ensure they have space to talk to someone they will build trust with and get good tools to manage successfully the situation they are in. Regardless of them being in therapy or not, you and your spouse should start divorce therapy as soon as you decide to get a divorce. A divorce counselor can help you see the options that would be more beneficial for your children than the ones you are considering. 

2. Finding A New Normal

During a divorce, you will probably be caught up in all the emotional and bureaucratic chaos that it involves, and thinking about finding a new normal for you and your kids will require some time and energy. With the therapist’s help, you will be able to set quality foundations for your family. From basic activities such as preparing breakfast in a new apartment to agreeing with your partner on days to pick up kids from school.

If you haven’t found the calm and will to give your family a fresh start, it will be almost impossible that your children can do it without you. As parents, you both have the responsibility to ensure your kids feel safe and loved during the divorce and most importantly, after the divorce as well.

3. More Capacity for Open Conversations

When in divorce therapy, you and your spouse will go over all the issues, which also include the uncomfortable and painful ones. This means that once you discuss it in your therapist’s office, you can talk about it in front of your kids without the fear of it leading to a heated discussion with your partner. 

For instance, you might have already talked to your partner about how you will handle holidays and vacations in the following year. So once you arrive home, you can include your children in that conversation as well. This will help them feel heard during the separation of their parents. And also allow them to have the space to speak their minds and share their concerns. 

4. Setting An Example for Your Kids

Therapy is so much more than just reaching out for help when in crisis. When you and your spouse decide to go to divorce therapy. You are teaching your kids about the importance of mental and emotional health. From a young age, your children will be aware that talking about how they feel in difficult situations can make them feel better and provide them with the tools they need to be happy again. 

That’s why it’s crucial that you and your spouse are not hiding the fact that you’re in divorce therapy. Speak openly about it in front of your kids and share only the information you both agree is necessary. Also, make sure you keep in mind that you’re all a part of the team working towards the same goal. 

5. Building a Friendship with Your Ex-Partner

Once your divorce is finalized, your spouse will convert to your ex-partner. However, they will still be a parent to your children, so it’s essential that you both continue respecting each other and involving each other in conversations with your kids. Regardless of the reason for divorce, your kids should have both parents present in their lives.

With therapy, you and your partner will learn how to become friends who have their children’s best interests at heart. This will take time and will not come overnight. So it’s worth considering continuing therapy even once the divorce is finalized. While you’re both trying to figure it out, try to keep your kids out of it. Don’t involve them in your arguments and never turn them against your spouse. 

Instead, focus your energy on building a friendship with your ex-partner that will help your children grow into confident, loved. And secure young people who will have their parents by their side at all times. 

In Final Words

Getting a divorce is not something you’d ever wish for yourself, yet it happens. If you’re currently going through a divorce or thinking about getting one. Consider suggesting your spouse go to a divorce therapist. After all, they will help you get through your divorce. And also talk to you about any emotional issues you might have from before that are affecting you in your romantic life. 

With therapy, you will both become better partners in parenting. Better parents to your children, and better persons in your lives. And feeling good about yourself. Even in times like this, will make your children happy and build even a stronger bond with them.

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Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

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Biggest Divorce Regrets

7 Biggest Divorce Regrets You Should Be Aware Of

7 Biggest Divorce Regrets You Should Be Aware Of

 

There is another side of getting married and it might come with many biggest divorce regrets.

If you have chosen to get married, it will probably be difficult for you to imagine that your marriage might end one day. However, divorces do happen, and it’s quite important to listen to stories of those who have divorced their spouses to try to avoid making the same mistakes.

Being informed about the most common divorce regrets will not harm your marriage. On the contrary, it might save it and allow you to fall in love even more with the person you are hoping to spend the rest of your life with. So, if you’re keen to have the marriage you will be proud of. Make sure you read our list of divorce regrets, think about them. And maybe even discuss them with your spouse.  

1.Depending On My Spouse

There are many people who will enter a marriage with unrealistic expectations or even wrong intentions. Getting married is something often seen as an achievement in life, instead of something that is your decision that came out of a place of love. Some people will assume that being married will make them seem adult in the eyes of others. While completely ignoring the fact that marriage needs constant work and investment to work. Another area where many people will choose to depend on their spouse is their happiness. Married couples will often blame one another for their misery, sadness, frustration, or any other negative emotion when in reality. Your happiness is your own responsibility. 

2.Not Communicating Your Feelings

The most common reason why both relationships and marriages don’t work is the lack of quality communication. Choosing to fix problems on your own or having your feelings not shared with your partner instead of discussing it all with your partner will cause additional problems in your marriage. During your marriage, you will experience difficult situations together on your own. And connecting with each other in times like these can only strengthen your relationship even more. 

3.Not Being Accountable Enough

Many divorced people will often regret they have spent all this time arguing with their partner and blaming each other for different marital issues when they were supposed to be more accountable. After all, by not listening to each other and realizing what you can do to improve your marriage. It will be almost impossible to solve any issue you two might have. So, next time, instead of activating your fighting mode. Try to talk about it with your partner, listen to them carefully and determine what you can do to improve the situation. 

4.Taking Couples Therapy More Seriously

It’s not just about going to couples therapy, it’s about taking it seriously. In other words, you have to be willing to put in the work that’s necessary for your marriage to function. For instance, your counselor might advise you as a married couple to go out more often or to talk more about your emotions. And not doing so will not result in how you want it to. You can go how many times you want and talk to as many therapists as you like. Yet the most important piece of that ‘marriage happiness’ puzzle is you. Whatever your therapist suggests because it might enhance the connection between you two, make sure you truly dedicate yourself to it. 

5.Not Setting Boundaries With In-Laws

When you marry the person you want to build your life with, keep in mind you are not marrying their family. As much as they should be important to you, they should never be equally important as your marriage. These relationships you build with the in-laws will affect your marriage, so it’s crucial to set boundaries. Regardless of whether they are rude, intrusive, or maybe even the best in-laws in the world. You will need to let them know that your marriage comes first. This also implies that you and your spouse have every right to decide whatever you want for yourselves. Yet also that you are keen on keeping everything that falls under your intimacy away from them.

6.Combing Their Finances

Often in marriage, we will think that everything needs to be shared, even the finances. However, if you were to ask the divorced couples, they would advise you quite the opposite. Not only will the money be difficult to divide if the marriage doesn’t work, yet it might also cause a lot of marital issues. For instance, one person might spend more than the other. Which might lead to blaming this person if you’re not able to pay or purchase the thing you were saving for. Such as a new house, car, or your child’s university. 

7.Being Addicted To Social Media

Yes, we’re all on social media, however, the hours we spend on these platforms should be used for something more valuable and real. Spending hours on Facebook or Instagram can harm your relationship because you might be oblivious of the signs your partner is showing. They might be unhappy, stressed, or sad, and you will not see that because you’re attached to your phone. Use social media as little as possible for distraction. Remind yourself that the fun you can have with your partner exceeds any entertainment your phone can provide you with. 

All in all, each marriage comes with its sets of challenges. This doesn’t mean you need to give up, it means you need to work harder to make it work. Having a beautiful, successful marriage will provide you with so much happiness in your life that no other thing can replace. So make sure you cherish it while it lasts.

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Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

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Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

 

If you ask your friend how to survive in an unhappy marriage, they will probably tell you to get a divorce, yet things in life are rarely this black and white. After all, you enjoy some of the things in your marriage. And you’re not willing to give up on them just like that. Maybe you enjoy the family life you built with your kids, or maybe it’s the fun you two have each time on vacation. Whatever it is, marriage isn’t something you just eliminate from your life without putting the effort to save it first.

So, instead of being torn between the two options – leave or stay – you should go back to the reasons why you got married in the first place and what you used to love and admire about your spouse. This process takes time, and if your marriage is something you once cared about. You should never leave just because you feel unhappy at the moment.

Go Back To The Beginning

To understand the source or sources of your unhappiness, you will need to figure out when you started feeling like this. For instance, it might be that you started feeling unhappy when you quit your full-time job and decided to become a stay-at-home parent. This might have led to putting high expectations on your spouse to participate more in family activities. Or romantic moments with you. However, due to their work, they were not able to live up to your expectations.

It might be that your spouse became distant due to work problems and that the two of you stopped communicating and being intimate. There are countless reasons why someone might start feeling unhappy in their marriage, yet the first step to solving it is to determine when and why it all started. And it doesn’t have to be just reason or one person that leads to you feeling like this, it might be a combination. 

So, make sure you ask yourself what changed in your marriage that is making you feel like this. If you don’t have a clear answer, make a comparison of before and after. Go into the most fulfilled phase of your marriage and reminisce on all the good things that made you happy in it. Then, do the same for now. What makes you unhappy? Are you able to separate expectations you put on your partner and reality? Which part are you responsible for?

Accepting Your Responsibility For Your Unhappiness

Before going any further, nobody says that it’s your fault that your partner is neglecting you, being distant from you. Or not hearing you when you talk about your needs. With that being said, we have to be aware that there is a certain amount of responsibility we have for each situation in our life. In marriage, as we’re so connected to our spouses, we often forget that we are two very different individuals. Yes, you might have the same plans for the future, the same values in life, and the same friends or activities. However, you don’t share one personality.

So, instead of blaming the other person for the way you feel, how about finding something that will make you feel satisfied and passionate about something new? It finally might be the time to take that pottery class, join yoga classes in your neighborhood. Or start learning Spanish or French. Think about the things that you always postponed because you never had time to do them, and decide to do them now. 

It doesn’t have to be anything revolutionary, it can be simple walks in the evenings with your best friend to unwind from a stressful day. And have a few moments for yourself. Once you focus more on working toward your own happiness. You will have fewer expectations of others to make you happy. 

Focus Only On Your Marriage

Only once you have taken care of yourself and implemented things that make you happy. You should take a new look at your marriage. There is a chance that the reason you were so unhappy in your marriage had nothing to do with your marriage. Or, it might be that even in your most fulfilled moments. You still don’t feel that marriage is the best option for you. Whatever your ultimate decision is, the important thing is to make a decision from a position of calm, happiness, and strength. Instead of frustration, sadness, or fear. 

Now, that you feel so energized and your life is filled with things that you enjoy doing. How does your marriage feel? If your partner is at his low, are you able to help them? Are you willing to motivate them to work on their own happiness, just like you worked on finding yours? 

You are married to a person, not a thing. What we often forget is that we all change and evolve, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Your partner might be stuck due to certain issues, yet with the right help, they might become again the person you fell in love with. That help can come in numerous shapes and forms. They can see how you changed and be inspired to do the same. They can start communicating openly about their feelings and what is troubling them. Often, people reach out to therapists to provide them with the tools they need to feel in control of their life and satisfied with what they have.

Saving A Marriage

If you’re determined to save your marriage, you should know it will not be easy. Everything that has unmeasurable value to us takes a lot of hard work and love for it to work. If you’re not sure whether you should stay and try to save it, think about how many months or years you have been unhappy. Compared to that, spending a few months trying to make your marriage work. While also seeking your own happiness, doesn’t seem like a long period, right? At least try to make it work by doing the best you can. And then you will know you truly tried everything. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Midlife crisis affairs

Midlife Crisis Affair: How To Build Trust Again

Midlife Crisis Affairs: How To Build Trust Again

 

Midlife crisis affairs are more common than you think, yet this still doesn’t make them easy to forgive. With so much fear around affairs in relationships and marriage, we tend to forget learning tools on how to deal with an affair if it happens, regardless of our final decision. Not to mention even just the fear of being cheated on can destroy healthy, long-term relationships.  

Once midlife crisis affairs do happen, both partners experience a wide range of emotions which are making it difficult for them to communicate rationally and find the best solution for the situation. No doubt, this is one of the most challenging moments of each relationship, and learning how to approach it right is crucial to maintaining your mental and emotional health.

Don’t Blame The Affair

If your partner had or is having an affair, try not to focus all of your efforts on blaming the affair for the troubles in your marriage. In most cases, the problems started way before the partner decided to be unfaithful. It’s definitely the easier route to express all your emotions towards that affair, however, is it the right one?

For those who are wanting to continue in their marriage, a reality check is inevitable. How long has it been since you and your partner have lost intimacy? When was the last time you went out on a date and just enjoyed your time as a couple? All these things affect intimacy, and blaming something or someone else for it will not make that problem go away. Yes, your partner was or is unfaithful, and that’s not okay, yet what you can learn from this experience is what will help you overcome it. 

Have a Long, Honest Conversation

Most people will be stuck in this situation and repeating questions such as ‘What was he/she like?’, ‘What was the sex like?’, ‘What does he/she give to you that I don’t?’, however, these questions are not constructive. Instead of letting jealousy take control over your actions, take a deep breath and ask questions that might save your marriage and help you do it right this time. 

The sooner you understand it’s not about who is to blame, it’s about what was wrong in the relationship that affected your intimacy. So, you should be curious about how your partner was feeling in the marriage, and what they need from you in order to feel happy and loved. Try to understand how your partner felt and what were their reasons for starting an affair, and avoid making them feel ashamed and guilty. 

Determine The Next Steps

Keep in mind that nobody expects you to forget about the affair immediately. It will take time to rebuild trust and intimacy in your marriage, so you’ll need to think of it as a process instead of a sudden change. It might even happen if you start the relationship completely from the beginning. Many married couples lost their connection years ago and they are completely unaware of what excites their partner, what are their recent interests, and what they dream about. After all, being overwhelmed with responsibilities will sometimes take away these valuable conversations from us.

So, start dating again, seduce each other, and share what you both need to make this work. You will need to set clear boundaries that will avoid additional complications, such as how you feel about having sex immediately, should you go to family gatherings when working through this affair, and if you should live separately during this period. 

Don’t Involve Others In Your Marriage

When your spouse cheats on you, you will probably first feel betrayed. This feeling might motivate you to reach out to all of your friends and family members to talk bad about your partner and turn them into a villain. As much as it is good to have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling about the affair, involving too many people might create a more complex situation than you can handle right now.

Avoid working on your marital problems outside your marriage. The person you should talk to is your partner. If you feel sad or afraid, share that with them. Understanding how you feel is what can bring your partner close to you again. Don’t think of this situation as a battle where one person comes out as a winner and the other one as a loser. You are both trying to save your marriage, and if you succeed together, there is no greater win than that.

If you become suspicious of your partner’s actions, call them out on it. Don’t fall into plotting conspiracy theories and scenarios that will only cause additional damage. However, make sure that you feel capable of giving your partner a new opportunity before trying to work things out and then using every chance you get to be jealous or suspicious of everything they do. 

Try Couple’s Therapy

Most couples who have been through a midlife crisis affair will need guidance from a professional. After all, it’s not easy to deal with all these emotions and try to make your marriage work, so many decide to go into couple’s therapy. A counselor will help you and your partner have more constructive conversations which will be beneficial for yourself and your relationship.

It will take time to heal and that’s completely fine, as long as you’re moving in a direction towards healing and not destruction. Therapy provides you both with a safe space to express your emotions and also gives you tools that can help you build trust again. The time you both dedicate to therapy should motivate you to make the most of having someone experienced in this topic to help you. Avoid treating it like a battlefield where you’re the victim, and your partner takes all the fault.

If you’re certain that you wish to rebuild your marriage and connect with your partner again, you will need to make that leap of faith and start clean. No resentment, no blame, no destruction. If you want to save your marriage, everything that is not working in favor of it should stay in the past.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do