Orgasm Abuse

What is Orgasm Abuse - Not The Kinky Kind!

What is Orgasm Abuse - Not The Kinky Kind!

 

Do you know what orgasm abuse feels like in your body? We aren’t talking about the kinky kind either. What is the difference between orgasm abuse and orgasm pleasure? 

If you want to see our blog on orgasm denial, please go here

Orgasm abuse happens and when there is something as serious as abuse on the line, we feel differently than we do about boundaries being crossed. 

We all react to pressure differently… especially when it comes to orgasm and when it comes to abuse. 

So when we are talking about orgasm abuse, for many reasons, a lot of people experience it and have kind of stage fright when it comes to discussing the sexual encounter(s). 

Maybe it’s happened to you before. You meet someone you’re interested in, things click, you progress along the intimacy scale, and eventually find yourselves in bed together.

Suddenly, when it’s time to experience what you assume to be pleasure, abuse happens instead. 

Your sexual partner may even assure you that it’s no big deal after it happens...

Still, it’s uncomfortable all the same. 

Don’t agonize too much over it in the moment, yet we’ve all been there when the thoughts come back...

Orgasm abuse is a real thing, and it’s not always what you think. 

Unfortunately, there’s a stigma around orgasm, therapy, abuse, and discussing uncomfortable or “negative” emotions. 

For some people, it threatens to shatter the image they portray of the world. 

Often, we EXPECT the people that we are with and talk to regularly to have a life more like a celebrity or a social media start than a human. 

Abuse even if there is orgasm can also be taken as a signal that you weren“into it” and your sexual partner at that time may even think that they pleased you.

As a sex therapist, I often suggest talking about it, setting a boundary that it was not ok, and then following through in action steps to be certain that this type of abuse does not happen again. 

You may wonder if you are quietly making this a bigger deal than it is.

If you told people, maybe then rejection would be on the horizon. 

Sex is a complicated, like a messy ice cream sundae, and orgasms are the cherry on top, right? 

Not really when it comes to orgasm abuse. Some people can be in a trauma state and still have an orgasm. 

Therefore, it is important and imperative to know your boundaries and your requests within sexuality. 

If you have been in a situation where you have been on either side of orgasm abuse, this isn’t easy to sit with. 

At times, you may need support. Let a certified sex therapist help if you need. 

If you need more support, please check out the video on how to recover after trauma. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.


Orgasm Denial

Orgasm Denial - How Not Getting Off Can Get You Off!

Orgasm Denial - How Not Getting Off Can Get You Off!

 

Orgasm denial (sometimes called “orgasm abuse”) is sort of an umbrella term for any play- especially in power exchange relationships where orgasm is delayed, deprived, or even then “forced.” We can get into forced orgasm in another blog! 

This seems to contradict everything we believe in mainstream society about sexual pleasure - after all, isn’t orgasm SUPPOSED to be the ultimate pleasure during sex? 

Turns out, pleasure and pain are two sides of a similar coin, and how we experience both varies widely from person to person. 

Both pain and orgasm release endorphins and provide a kind of catharsis, and both involve some sort of tension and release. Pain can even be meditative, much like the focus needed to have or delay an orgasm! 

Pain isn’t always physical either. Pain can be psychological, such as intentionally and consensually building frustration or anger. 

Orgasm denial play can be a safe and consensual way to explore tension and release - or denying that release entirely. 

Orgasm Denial

 

Delaying Orgasms

Lets start with the least intimidating form of orgasm denial: erotic sexual denial. This can range from teasing to edging, or even delaying orgasms as a form of “punishment” and “reward” in submissive/dominant play scenes. 

This is a form of play that is easy to incorporate, and an easy introduction to playing with control and domination in a sexual context. Discuss beforehand with your partner what they want to try, or what you would like them to do to you!

  • Tickling is a very tolerable tension and release. Decide on a safe word, and have a tickle fight! If you’re both into it, you can play with how much is tolerated, and even incorporate tickling just as the receiver is about to climax for a sort of bait and switch. 
  • Try edging! This can be done with a partner or solo, and the basic idea is to come really close to orgasm and then stopping just before climax. This can be repeated as many or as few times as wanted, and it can make the final orgasm even more delicious! 

 

What is Orgasm Denial?

Orgasm denial is a form of play where you or your partner are taken right to the edge of orgasm, then never given the release. 

If it sounds frustrating, it is, however it can be so much fun if you are exploring BDSM and want to explore an entry level Dom or sub dynamic.

This can get as kinky as you like, and can be a simple appetizer of domination and control, or the entire entrée!

  • If you’re new to sub/dom, try using orgasm denial as a small part of a controlled scene. You can even decide that later on, outside of the proposed scenario you will get off- just not during the scene!
  • This doesn’t have to even be successful! Sometimes the act of telling someone they can’t cum is enough to send them over the edge with powerful orgasm. You can always punish them for it later! 😉
  • Orgasm denial can be as prolonged or as frequent as you and your partner want. Maybe after a single sexual encounter without orgasm you’ll decide to “allow” orgasms next time, or maybe it will never happen until a special occasion or decided event- whatever scenario suits you and your partner! Remember, it is all about the pleasure and pain of frustration and control/being controlled. 
  • If you are really into orgasm denial and want to incorporate toys, there are chastity devices for penises and vaginas alike so you can physically deny your partner an orgasm. Naughty!

Ask yourself if you want to be playing with orgasm denial! 

Ask yourself the critical question of: does my inner Dominant or submissive really vibe with my partners inner Dominant or submissive? Maybe! 

Maybe not! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.


Masturbation Addiction

Do I Have A Masturbation Addiction?

Do I Have A Masturbation Addiction?

 

Most of us enjoy a little - or a lot of - solo pleasure time and then we may wonder if too much of a good thing is considered a masturbation addiction?

If you’re worried you might have a masturbation addiction, you should probably take a step back and consider a few things first.

Here are some tips to determine if you have a problem - spoiler alert, you likely don’t! The reason I know this is because I have studied sexuality for over a decade at this point. 

 

Masturbation Addiction vs. Compulsive Behavior

First thing’s first: masturbation addiction and sex addiction are not considered to be true addictions by all AASECT Certified Sex Therapists, most yet not all clinical sexologists, and other psychological professional associations.

Frequently, people don’t even feel like they have a problem until they see a magazine article or news story about the “pandemic of sex addiction” or shamed by their partner who read a blog on “masturbation addiction” during covid19.

Remember, statistics are a measurement used to study and quantify human sexuality- falling outside of the “average” doesn’t mean you are gross or sick or wrong!

  • When we see statistics - about ANYTHING - begin to question! 
  • Reflect on who chose to do the study… and then get the actual study and read the “results” section of the study. 
  • I have a Hartford public library card that gives me access to many articles from my home computer.

For those of you who won’t want to further investigate, I will share my thoughts with you on masturbation addiction.

Here are some important considerations when comparing true addiction and compulsive (out of control) behavior:

Masturbation Addiction

Keep in mind, your masturbation habits are almost certainly not an addiction, and are even unlikely to be a compulsion unless you truly feel out of control.

 

Don’t Let Social Stigmas Kill The Mood

Masturbation is healthy and normal human behavior and even has some health benefits. Some people masturbate multiple times a day, some virtually never!

Even in modern societies there is a lot of stigma around anything outside of heteronormative, procreative sexuality, and masturbation is no exception.

Old wives tales about going blind from masturbation or religiously motivated warnings about “spilling/wasting your seed” perpetuate negative feelings around this very common and very human behavior, especially in regard to female and queer sexuality.

Your first question if you are worried about masturbation addiction should be: 

Am I truly experiencing negative consequences from my masturbation, or am I just ashamed because of social conditioning?

As with any behavior, it is only harmful if:

  • It interferes with your goals, career, or day to day obligations. Are you regularly skipping work to wank? Are you frequently flaking on friends to flick the bean? Did you drain your savings to diddle with new dildos?
  • It is negatively affecting sexual relationships. You have nothing left to give your partner, or you often forgo sex with your monogamous partner to masturbate instead. This may be a sign to consider telehealth therapy for you and your partner
  • It is causing you physical harm. Are you getting frequent infections or injuries from masturbation that interfere with day to day life? Do you keep masturbating despite painful consequences that don’t bring you any pleasure? 
  • You are preoccupied with masturbation to the point of distraction. Are you unable to focus at work or school without frequent masturbation breaks to cope?
  • You break the law. Are you so compelled to masturbate that you willingly break public decency laws or expose yourself in public?

When you see this list of consequences, it can be easy to understand why some people consider themselves masturbation addicts. What lies behind these behaviors are usually traumas, psychological conditions, and coping mechanisms to deal with stress, anxiety or depression, not a physical dependency on masturbation itself. These are all issues that can be worked through with a sex therapist or psychologist if you truly find your masturbation habits to be self-destructive. 

 

The Health Benefits of Masturbation

If you’re still feeling some shame about masturbation, these benefits may help you see masturbation in a better light!

  • It’s the safest sex around! You can’t get yourself pregnant, and you can’t give yourself a sexually transmitted infection. Just make sure you use clean hands and clean toys!
  • Exploration: masturbation is an excellent way to figure out your likes and dislikes, making partnered sex even more enjoyable. It is also a safe and empowering way to begin reclaiming your sexuality and establishing boundaries after experiencing sexual trauma.
  • Improved Mind/Body Connection: masturbation can help you connect to your body if you are feeling body dysphoria or disconnection.
  • Orgasms: we love orgasms! If you can orgasm, it releases endorphins, which are a natural feel-good chemical.
  • Nature’s painkiller: if you have menstrual cramps or a headache, that same endorphin release can ease muscle tension and increase your pain tolerance!
  • Masturbation as meditation:  the focus it takes to orgasm pushes other petty distractions from your mind, like meditation! This provides great stress relief.
  • Zzz: incorporating masturbation into your nighttime routine can help you sleep better. It can be hard work getting off!
  • Strengthen your pelvic floor: if incontinence is an issue for you or you want to strengthen your pelvic floor after trauma or giving birth, masturbation can be a great tool. In fact, physiotherapists who specialize in pelvic floor rehabilitation often prescribe toys and masturbation as a form of physio exercises. Cool!

 

Masturbation Addiction in Summary

Masturbation addiction is truly in the eye of the beholder, and more likely than not you are letting social stigmas interfere with a perfectly normal sexual habit.

It is normal to masturbate, and people have different libidos and sexual needs- just because you masturbate more than “average” or your partner or friends doesn’t make it an immoral or problematic activity!

Any behavior that is interfering with your life is worth examining with the guidance of a therapist, so if your masturbation habits are truly disrupting your life rather than enhancing it you should book an appointment. Hopefully this has helped open your eyes to the many benefits of enjoying masturbation, and the unlikeliness of having a masturbation addiction!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.


multiple orgasms

Yes, You Can Have Multiple Orgasms - Here’s How!

Yes, You Can Have Multiple Orgasms - Here’s How!

 

If you’ve ever envied those people who can have multiple orgasms, this post is definitely for you! 

It may seem unfair, yet some people with vaginas can achieve multiple orgasms, sometimes without any latency period in between. 

A lot of women believe they are unable to have multiple orgasms, and while not everyone can reach this peak of pleasure, it may surprise you that it isn’t as difficult as you’d think- with a few tips and tricks!

 

Time Is Your Friend

One of the most important secrets to having multiple orgasms is taking your time. I know, pleasure can be hard work and we get tired- though I promise the results will definitely be worth it!

You will find you have more success if you are able to take your time building a really great first orgasm and then sort of “start from scratch” with the following orgasms. It seems cliche, though good things come to those who wait- so be patient with yourself and make a real moment out of pleasuring yourself.

If you have time to pop on a face mask for twenty to thirty minutes, you definitely have time to give yourself a spine tingling orgasm. Try lying down in a cozy bed, light some candles, lock your door and put your phone on silent. This is a truly special time to honor your magnificent body and explore what makes you feel good!

 

Variety Is The Spice of Life

In research conducted by the Kinsey Institute, researchers discovered that most women were only able to achieve their second (and third, and fourth...) orgasms if they stimulated a slightly different area or in a different way.

Put plainly, if you have stimulated your clit to the point of orgasm, it’ll be super sensitive and almost be overwhelmed with sensation to the point of being desensitized. 

Instead, most women had great success by then stimulating their labia, vulva or vagina to achieve second orgasm, or by stimulating their clit in an entirely different way.

Sexual Anatomy

Try different pressure, speed, movement, texture and even temperature to keep your body from becoming desensitized to stimuli. Researchers said if you approach the orgasm as if you’re dealing with “a whole new body,” you’re much more likely to achieve multiple orgasms.

 

Play Around With Toys

Keeping with the theme of switching up sensations, toys can be a really helpful (and fun!) way to mix it up, especially if you or your partner are getting a little tired.

Toys are also great if you find you’re unable to orgasm from your own touch- kind of the same as people being unable to tickle themselves, some people find it tricky to stimulate themselves without some sort of extension or barrier, like a toy or fabric.

Toys are a great supplement if you are looking to stimulate more than one area at once, which you may find helpful when trying to have multiple orgasms. You can use a rabbit style vibrator to stimulate your clitoris and g-spot simultaneously, or you can even tease the area surrounding your clit, including your labia, inner thighs and bikini line to create a sort of “aftershock”.

If anal stimulation is pleasurable for you it can be great foreplay for that second orgasm, giving your more sensitive bits time to cool down while you stay aroused through other activities.

 

To Lube Or Not To Lube

I always lube! 

Don’t be afraid to use a little lube - or a lot! 

If dryness is preventing you from reaching peak pleasure, let alone multiple orgasms, a silky, silicone based lube can really get things going.

Personally, I am a water-based lube person. That is my personal favorite even though you must reapply regularly.

If you are looking for different sensations to prompt that second orgasm, you can even try lubes that are designed to warm up or tingle wherever they’re applied. Some people find the sensation pleasurable, and some feel an uncomfortable burning sensation, so maybe try any lubes with extra features prior to use in sexy situations. Feeling like your crotch is on fire is a sure way to NOT get an orgasm!

For a safe and certain way to switch up your lube, try storing some in the fridge. It will become delightfully chilly and give you a whole other dimension of sensation.

You can also experiment with a lack of lube. Friction can be incredibly stimulating, and a “dry rub” can be a creative way to switch things up!

 

Tell It Like It Is to Get Multiple Orgasms

If your sexual partner is embarking on this multiple orgasm journey with you, communication and expectations will be crucial.

Chances are, if they are excited by the idea of giving you multiple orgasms they will also be excited to research and willing to listen to your directions, so don’t be afraid to speak up!

Do some research together and come up with a list of fun ways you can switch things up, in case you’re both at a loss for ideas in the moment!

In the moment, you should feel empowered to tell them what is and isn’t working. This applies to all sexual activities, positive reinforcement and a little direction can make a world of difference in how pleasurable sex is for all involved.

 

Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls

About 43% of women are able to achieve multiple orgasms- which leaves a perfectly healthy 57% of women potentially out of luck. It is likely that more are technically able to have multiple orgasms and choose not to or are satisfied with one- or none!

If this is the case, please know that this is perfectly normal! It can be difficult if you have set a goal for yourself or if your partner really wants to give you multiple orgasms, so be kind to yourself and manage your expectations.

Multiple orgasms don’t necessarily mean multiple AMAZING orgasms- likely, the following orgasms are a little smaller, or some of them are prolonged orgasms that sort of blend into one another. This can feel amazing of course, and so can a single, powerful orgasm!

And we also know that even if you are unable to achieve orgasm at all, this does not exclude you from an amazing, pleasurable sex life. You can self pleasure, connection with a partner or connection to your own body and sexuality- with or without multiple orgasms! 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


lesbian sex toys

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

What does “lesbian sex toys” even mean, really? Well sex toy industry has catered to heterosexual, penis-in-vagina definitions of sex for a long time- think phallic dildos in various sizes, with veins and scrotums. Pretty graphic! These phallic toys can bring immense pleasure obviously, but might alienate people who don’t enjoy penises, are working through sexual traumas or prevent people from exploring sexual fantasies and taboos.

Enter lesbian sex toys. Now, let’s be clear, ANYONE can enjoy ANY toy, it doesn’t matter who it is marketed to! If you’re searching for a non-phallic toy that can do more than just penetrate, searching for toys aimed at lesbians can open a whole new world of possibility. These toys are made for pleasurable experiences beyond what a plain old dildo can deliver, and are specifically crafted for pleasuring vaginas, clitorises, and vulvas. And it doesn’t stop there- many of these toys can be enjoyed by our lovers with penises too!

 

So...what kind of lesbian sex toys are out there?

There are so many wonderful toys to play with out there, where do you even start?! Let’s go over some basic categories- the only rule is if you think it sounds fun or will make you feel good, you should try it! Who knows, you might be surprised what new sensations maybe aroused.

 

Suction Toys

At first glance, these look kind of like a vibrator, and some of them do vibrate! The real attraction with suction toys is the smallish suction cup, usually at the top end of the toy, that is meant to be placed over the clitoris. The clitoris is then gently (or vigorously, depending on your settings!) sucked by the toy, emulating sensations felt during oral sex, maybe even more intense.

Of course, you don’t need a clitoris to enjoy the suction! These toys are also great for nipple teasing, so feel free to share with your lovers who don’t have a clitoris. Suction toys are generally more quiet than conventional vibrators, and some can be used underwater. Womanizer is a popular brand of clitoral suction toy, and they even have version that are moulded for g-spot penetration while the suction cup works on the clitoris.

 

Clit Vibrators

This can have a billion different subcategories, but there are three that really cover all bases:

  1. Bullet Vibrators: these tiny, discreet battery operated vibrators are a classic as they can be  inexpensive and easy to use. While they should never be used anally (they’ll get lost up there, and no one wants to be that person in the ER), they can be used on the clitoris as well as the entire body. Any erogenous zone can be tickled by a little bullet. These are usually pretty simple with maybe one or two settings, however they can pack a powerful punch and be a great introduction to vibrating sensations in partner sex with any gender.
  1. Butterfly Vibrators: These unique vibes are shaped like, you guessed it, a butterfly! These are designed for hands free play by placing the vibrator in your underwear, but you can use your hand to guide it wherever you want. They have a wider surface area along the “wings” for a more spread out sensation, and places along the top and middle that can be strategically placed for more intensity.
  1. Vibrating Wands: If you want intensity, get one of these! They are a classic for a reason, and while they aren’t versatile for penetrative activities, they can sure rock anyone’s world. They are definitely not quiet though, so be prepared! Whether you use it on clits, vulvas, penises or other erogenous zones, the intense vibration will come in handy if you have trouble orgasming with timid bullet vibes. These are sometimes sold in conventional stores as “massagers”, which means if you’re not feeling frisky you can work the tension out of your neck and shoulders. Sometimes one thing leads to another though...

 

Penetrative Toys

It doesn’t have to look like a penis to be pleasurable! First things first, if you are inserting something into you or your partner’s body, it better be made of body safe, non porous materials! Avoid PVC, cheap plastic or latex jelly and instead find toys made with silky silicone, or even sculpted pieces made from metal or glass. They’ll be almost beautiful enough to display- almost.

Silicone is great if you want a soft, smooth, almost skin like texture. These toys tend to have a certain degree of flexibility too!

Glass and metal are interesting because they are firm, which can be awesome for flexing and gripping with your pelvic floor. Plus, they can be cool to the touch or warm up with you or your partner’s body heat, opening up more sensation possibilities. If they have a flared base you can use it anally too!

Here are some exciting toys to explore if you want penetrative sensations beyond what a typical dildo can deliver:

  1. Strap Ons: Strap ons are a classic lesbian sex toy, and a wonderful way to connect with a partner through penetration if you don’t have a penis. You have a few options here: a classic harness is secure, though perhaps a little hardware heavy (which can also be a turn on!). There are also styles that are more like underwear with an adjustable opening, so you can vary which sizes you can use in your strap on. Another really fun option: the strapless strap on! This is a toy with two shafts, one that you insert into your vagina, and a second shaft to insert into your partner. Great if you enjoy g-spot stimulation! If you go with a harness or underwear style, many have pockets where you can insert a bullet or butterfly vibe so you can be pleasure while you penetrate your partner.
  2. Double Ended Dildos: they are exactly what you would expect! They come in a variety of shapes, sizes, girths, materials, some vibrate, some have texture- whatever you and your partner enjoy! If you are purchasing a double dildo for anal play, make sure it has a flared piece in the middle to prevent anal injury.
  3. Rabbits: the ultimate hybrid! Flickering ears for clitoral stimulation, a shaft for anal or vaginal penetration, plus vibration! A true triple threat, this is the kind of sex toy that can be used on anybody (and any body!) for a variety of sensations. Plus, it doesn’t look like a penis, instead it has a neutral, sleek shaft that can come with a variety of textures such as ribbing or bumps for extra stimulation.

This is of course only the beginning - there are as many lesbian sex toys out there as there are people! If you’re not a lesbian or if you don’t have a vagina, many of these toys can be enjoyed in many different ways. If you’re not a fan of anatomical sex toys that are too realistic, the lesbian sex toys market has a lot of beautifully designed products for every craving. Now the only question left: which lesbian sex toys will you try out first?

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


first orgasm

First Orgasm

First Orgasm

 

Imagine going through life, having many sexual experiences, and never achieving a first orgasm. Then, at some point, you’re with the right person, the lighting is right, the intensity level is good, there’s just the right amount of foreplay, and BAM!, your first orgasm hits. You’ll never be the same.

Orgasms are amazing. For many of us, we remember our first orgasmic experience and how it opened our eyes to the powerful sexuality that up until that point had lain dormant inside us. Once awakened, the ability to orgasm takes on a deeper meaning, and affects all of our sexual interactions.

Hopefully, your first orgasm and all of your subsequent orgasms were incredible experiences full of passion, love, and desire. Sometimes, it’s only one of those, and that’s OK! The motivation for sex is diverse and incredibly personal.

When we talk about orgasms and the first orgasm experience, it’s important to note that everyone is approaching this subject from a different perspective. Some of you may not have had your first orgasm yet and are trying to get there.

For others, orgasming can be inconsistent, so you’re trying to find better ways to climax.

first orgams 

Getting to Your First Orgasm

Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, especially when it comes to sexual pleasure, right? Many people, maybe even people you’re partnered with currently or in the past, may not even remember their orgasm. To them, it happens easily, so, what’s the fuss?

In 2005, a NY Times article reported that 30 percent of people with vaginas stated that they rarely or never have an orgasm during sex. That includes 10 percent of respondents that said they never have an orgasm.

In my mind, that’s too many people not having orgasms! Certainly, this does not overlook people who struggle with past trauma that makes it difficult to connect sexually, even with their bodies.

I work with people all the time on various ends of the sexual spectrum, from people who struggle to accept feeling aroused to people wanting to learn how to orgasm more frequently and more often.

Even if there is no underlying trauma inhibiting your ability to connect sexually, the mere fact that it’s a struggle leaves so many people feeling broken.

My message to you is, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN! Orgasming can be learned with practice and patience and a dash of self-acceptance. Here are some tips to get you over the hump more often.

 

Getting the Right Mindset

I’m a huge proponent of masturbation. I think it’s one of the best ways for people to explore and learn about their bodies. It’s where you find out what makes you tick.

You get to touch without judgment and experience different sensations in private. Masturbation is a healthy sexual habit that should be embraced.

Masturbation makes it easier to focus on the task without worrying whether your partner thinks you’re taking too long or making a funny face. It’s just you and you.

If you’re up for it, try masturbating, or even just exploring your genitals, in front of a mirror. Look as you touch, so you know exactly where different erogenous zones are.

first orgams 

Bring Toys to the Adult Playroom

It’s 2020, so it’s time we stamp out any remaining notion that needing a vibrator or some other sex toy to climax is somehow weird. I love my vibrator. I use the LeWand and I strongly recommend you get a vibrator, no matter what your gender is.

Explore different settings and movements with your vibrator. On a vagina, massage the area around the clitoral hood and labia, eventually moving to directly stimulate the clitoris.

Vibrators are also fantastic for penis-bodied people! You can use a vibrator to massage around the testicles, along the shaft, and the perineum (the area between your genitals and your anus).

Don’t have any shame in your sex toy game!

 

Connecting to Yourself Emotionally

There is certainly something to be said about having sex with the right person. Interestingly, sex can be mind-blowing with one person and mundane with the next. Remember, each person is bringing their experience, fears, and uncertainty into any sexual encounter, so it’s going to affect how things go.

What’s more important, though, is how we connect with ourselves, no matter who we’re having sex with. If you don’t give yourself permission to be stimulated and aroused, then it’s easier for your body to shut down.

Imagine climbing the orgasm mountain, and before you set out on your journey, you’re full of negative thoughts about how hard the trip will be, and you doubt you’ll make it. Now imagine going on that same journey full of positive energy, eager for the experience, and hyper with anticipation.

first orgams

Which do you think has the higher odds of success?

If you’re finding yourself full of stress or anxiety at the thought of trying to orgasm, then it’s likely that your first orgasm will be elusive. We have to be able to overcome any emotional blocks that are preventing us from accepting touch and arousal that leads to orgasm.

That goes for masturbating alone or sex with someone else.

In my over ten years of experience as a licensed sex therapist, I’ve seen amazing success helping people understand what’s affecting their sex lives and how to get past it.

We can develop strategies specific to your situation that chip away at any blockages stopping you from orgasm.

 

Commit to the Climax

Even people who achieved their first orgasm easily had to decide to do it! Committing to the goal of the orgasming is like using a key to unlock your sexual vault.

The first time could be difficult, and it most certainly pays off. The rush of endorphins and all that sexual release offers is likely to bring you back for more and more.

The first orgasm is lifechanging for a lot of people. For others, it just happens. Whatever your situation, the more important issue is realizing that there’s always more sex to be had and better orgasms around the corner!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Erection Issues

How To Know If You Have Erection Issues: A Checklist!

How To Know If You Have Erection Issues: A Checklist!

 

If you’re feeling uncertain or embarrassed about erectile dysfunction, this checklist will tell you how to know if you have erection issues. 

After all, sometimes it is just an off night, and sometimes it just isn’t happening- no matter how turned on you are, no matter how sexy the situation. 

It can be frustrating and shameful, and I want you to realize it is actually quite common. 

Some research says that 15 to 30 million people with penises have erection issues in some form at any given time. 

The causes can be physiological or psychological, and many causes of erectile dysfunction can be treated with mindset rephrames, lifestyle changes, and even medication changes. 

The recurrence of erectile dysfunction also increases with age, though people of any age can have it. 

The main thing to remember is that you have no need to be embarrassed, and there is no need to give up on an amazing, fulfilling sex life if you struggle with erection issues!

 

Who Can Help You With Erection Issues

If you’re wondering how to know if you have erection issues, you may want to chat with your medical doctor. 

As erection issues can be a symptom of more serious conditions, it is worth ruling out potential health risks. 

If the doctor clears you medically, your erection issues may be the result of a past psychological trauma or current pattern of behaviors. 

At that time, the help of a clinical sexologist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, or someone who specializes in systemic therapy may be helpful.

 

Symptoms of Erection Issues

Some of the basic symptoms of erection issues or erectile dysfunction include:

  •   Frequent and persistent trouble getting an erection
  •   Frequent and persistent trouble keeping an erection
  •   Low libido

None of these are particularly fun, though it is important to keep track of your erection issues and ask yourself: is this something that happens almost every time I try to have sex, or is it just a blip?

  •   Do you get hard easily while masturbating? Your issues may be intimacy or psychologically based.
  •   Do you struggle to get hard most of the time, even when sexually aroused/horny? You may have physical health problems that need investigating!

As with most things, self-diagnosis can only go so far, so use this checklist to get started on the frequency and context of your erection issues. This will help you discuss in detail with a professional.

 

Health Concerns That Are Related to Erection Issues

The penis is a vascular organ and requires uninhibited blood flow to create and maintain an erection. 

It makes sense that any health condition that affects how your blood flows or affects your nerves/neurons will impact your erections!

 In fact, many cardiologists refer to erectile dysfunction as the “canary in the coal mine” as a warning symptom of heart issues. 

Our bodies are a holistic system of organs, blood vessels, muscles, nerves and tissues, and health problems rarely affect only one area of the body!

The mind and body are also intrinsically connected, and any problems you may be having psychologically can affect your erections in unexpected ways. 

Some medical issues that can cause chronic or temporary erection issues include:

  •   Heart Disease
  •   Atherosclerosis (clogged blood vessels)
  •   High Blood Pressure
  •   Obesity or weight gain
  •   Diabetes or Parkinsons
  •   Multiple Sclerosis or autoimmune issues 
  •   Estrogen 
  •   Tobacco use
  •   Alcoholism & substance abuse
  •   Medications (including yet not limited to prostate cancer/enlarged prostate, antihistamines, cancer treatment, or blood pressure). 
  •   Penis injury
  •   Hormone issues such as low testosterone or high cortisol

Some examples of psychological problems that may cause erectile dysfunction include:

  •   Mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD
  •   Stress or disconnection 
  •   Chronic exhaustion
  • Comparing partnered sex to solo sex (or masturbation)
  • Using pornography as sex education
  • Grief or sudden life changes
  •   Relationship stresses
  •   Unrealistic relationship expectations

 

What Can You Do About Erection Issues?

Seek help:

The most important first step in addressing erection issues is to give yourself a pat on the back for seeking help. You deserve an awesome sex life, and erection issues are not a sign of weakness or make you any less “manly” (if that is how you identify). It can be frustrating, and know that health professionals see this DAILY! Really… ALL. THE. TIME! So don’t be embarrassed! Get help from your family doctor, urologist or therapist to not only treat the issue with possible medications, but the root of the issue in your mind.  

 

Confide in your partner(s):

If you have a close, personal relationship with a supportive partner, it can be a relief to share your frustrations and fears. This can be especially helpful if they feel they may be at fault. 

If attraction is not the issue for you, reassure them that you find them attractive and sexy. If you suspect your erection issues stem from something psychological or traumatic, perhaps explore sharing those thoughts and feelings with your partner in a safe, guided environment such as with a sex therapist.

 

Adjust your lifestyle:

your doctor may advise you to adjust your lifestyle. If you’ve gained a lot of new weight around the midsection, your heart may be working harder to circulate blood and you could be at the mercy of hormonal imbalance. 

Going for regular walks, reducing your intake of saturated fats and doing things that relieve stress (laughing, relaxing, reading, edging) can help with circulation, stress and blood pressure. Remember, you are beautiful at any size, and you don’t necessarily need to lose weight to improve your health! Just get that blood pumping and that blood pressure down!

 

Find support:

Instead of endlessly searching the internet for terrifying diagnosis, find chat rooms and online threads and support groups for those dealing with erection issues. 

It is important to know you aren’t alone, and you may find great references and advice from others. 

We are doing a webinar on this exact topic, so you can also find quality information!

Erection issues and impotence in general are stigmatized, and there is no reason this should continue. 

There are so many variables at play with our wonderful, dynamic bodies, and as a generally ableist society, it is widely accepted that penises need to be hard to have amazing sex lives. 

This simply isn’t true, so if you struggle with erection issues that don’t seem to go away, know that you can have a satisfying sex life. Find out more from our webinar or schedule a session. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


couples making love

How Often Are Couples Making Love?

How Often Are Couples Making Love?

 

When it comes to couples making love, it is easy to feel like everyone is doing it all the time. Perhaps you are friends with that ooey-gooey couple who can’t keep their hands off each other, or your sister brags about how her and her husband do it every night- AND her baby falls asleep, AND she’s been promoted at work, AND she works out everyday. It is easy to feel a little bummed if you haven’t been having as much sex as everyone else.

Or at least, how much sex you think they are having! The problem with the above scenario is the constant comparison. You don’t know what issues are lying beneath the surface, if the sex is satisfying, or if it even happened at all! Luckily, a lot of research has gone into couples making love, and sexual habits in general.

 

What Are the Stats on Couples Making Love?

We’ll cut to the chase- according to The Archives of Sexual Behavior couples are on average making love 54 times per year, which amounts to once per week on average.

Does this seem like a lot? Does this seem like a little? Your perspective on this will depend on your level of sexual satiation, which essentially describes how satisfied you are with your sex life once you’ve settled into a routine with your relationship. Once the honeymoon phase is over (about a year to 18 months or so), you’ve been there, done that, couples will begin to have less spontaneous sex, but their relationship is likely becoming stronger.

In fact, research shows that people in happy relationships have better sex, NOT vice versa.

Better sex in this context means sex that resulted in orgasm- though we know that orgasms don’t necessarily define a satisfying sexual experience! Yet, numbers still seem to come into play. According to Social Psychology and Personality Science, couples who have sex at least once per week are happier with their relationships overall.

If this seems contradictory, it is! Sexuality and sex are nuanced, fluid and flexible- which is why stats can sometimes be confusing when it comes to gauging your own sex life against the numbers.

There are also numerous factors that can affect your relationship- AND your sex life!

Couples making love once per week may be more satisfied in their relationships, however they may have some privilege at play. According to a survey conducted by AARP, people without financial worries who experience a low stress level have the most sex…and the most satisfying sex. Seems a little unfair! Sadly, it makes sense- it’s hard to get in the mood if you are stressed about how you’re going to pay the rent.

 

What are some other factors?

Age can come into play- from the age of 30 onward, weekly sexual activity decreases with every decade according to The Kinsey Institute in Indiana. While folks under 30 are having sex an average 112 times per year, that number gradually decreases and people who are 50+ tend to average about 52 times per year. Which is still almost once per week- you go, Grandma!

Sex Drive is a factor couples making love must consider. Sometimes, everyone goes through phases of low libido, and this can be due to anything from stress to illness to exhaustion to being busy with other life events like a move, new job or child. If you or your partner are dealing with a lower sex drive than usual, it is rarely to do with their attraction to their partner- so don’t take it personally! Sex therapists can help determine these underlying factors for low libido and help you overcome them.

Values can mean differing priorities when it comes to the relationship, which isn’t automatically a bad thing. If what you both value in a relationship is comfort, stability, companionship, being amazing parents and sex is far down the list for both of you, great! If, however, sex is an important expression of love for one of you and not the other, tensions can arise.

 

Bottom line:

When it comes to your level of sexual satiation, what really, truly matters is how you feel- not some statistic or random number that may or may not work for you!

When looking into your sexual satiation, ask yourself some important questions to determine if you are truly satisfied, or if you’re in need of some extra help!

If as a couple you’ve “been there, done that”, how does that make you feel?

Do you feel:

  • Comfortable
  • Trusting
  • Like you have nothing to prove
  • Deeply connected to your partner
  • Loved

Or do you feel:

  • Rejected
  • Bored
  • Restless
  • Unattractive

How often you have sex is only a problem if it feels like a problem or is putting strain on the relationship. If you feel cozy, secure and loved, not getting it on can feel just fine. If you are anxious about how your partner perceives you, feel rejected when you make sexual advances or are restless and tempted to cheat, it is a sure sign you are in need of more sexual connection and therapy for an underlying issue as a couple.

If you feel satisfied, loved and like you have good communication, then you shouldn’t need to ask how often are couples making love- just do what feels right for you and your partner!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


how to use a vibrator

How to Use a Vibrator

How to Use a Vibrator

 

Let’s cut to the chase: you want to learn how to use a vibrator. 

It doesn’t really matter why- maybe you’re curious, maybe you have a vibrator but can’t quite get the orgasms you want, or maybe your partner wants to incorporate one into your sex life.

Don’t be embarrassed if you feel like you “should” know how to use a vibrator- there are so many options, techniques and erogenous zones to explore it would be impossible to know everything without a little education! No matter how new you are to the wonderful world of vibrators, everyone could benefit from a crash course on how to use a vibrator.

 

Who Should Use a Vibrator?

The short answer is of course ANYONE can use a vibrator! While the marketing of vibrating sex toys have been aimed at able bodied, cisgender women for years (who can forget The Rabbit’s infamous episode on Sex and The City?), anyone can use a vibrator. In fact, you may find it MORE liberating to explore your sexuality, new sensations with or without a partner when you use a vibrator.

  • People with vaginas and vulvas: from clitoris stimulating bullets to thrusting g-spot ticklers, you can use a vibrator many different ways to stimulate different areas of your vagina and vulva. Definitely don’t forget Betty’s Barbell - one of my personal favorites! I suggest all owners of vaginas to purchase one! You will not be disappointed. 
  • People with Penises and Prostates: People with penises and prostates needn’t miss out! You can use a vibrator for constriction (like a vibrating sleeve or cockring) or stimulation of the head, shaft and scrotum. You can also use a vibrator (with a flared base!) to stimulate the prostate, which can be hard to reach at times with only a finger.
  • People with Anuses: Anal penetration can be a pleasurable way to use a vibrator, and it is even possible to orgasm from anal stimulation if you don’t have a prostate!
  • People with Sexual Trauma: some people who have experienced sexual trauma may find hands triggering during sexual activity. You may find it soothing to use a vibrator (or have your partner use a vibrator) in order to enjoy a sexual experience without manual touching.
  • People with Bigger Bodies, Limited Mobility or Disabilities: people who may find it difficult to reach certain bits can have fulfilling, exciting and pleasurable sex lives, and choosing to use a vibrator may help! Whether using a vibrator on your partner or yourself, it may help with touching places that are out of reach, stimulate body parts in a way that is gentler or more intense depending on your preferences, or allow you to enjoy longer sex sessions. Some toys can be attached or mounted to people, walls, floors, beds, chairs etc so you can use a vibrator hands-free!
  • Plus, anyone of any race, sexuality, background or economic status: There are stigmas around sex toys, and they have primarily been marketed to white, cisgender folks. While the industry has a lot of catching up to do to make up for their insensitive marketing, packaging and promotion of stereotypes, you deserve pleasure and deserve to use a vibrator that makes you feel good. There is a range of types, materials and prices, and a variety of stores that serve diverse communities so everyone should thankfully be able to find something that brings them pleasure without compromise!

How to Use a Vibrator

How to Use a Vibrator...

So where do you even start?! The best place to begin when learning how to use a vibrator is to start with what you know you like and move on to what you think you might want to explore. Different vibrators are made for different purposes, so consider what kind of stimulus you want to explore when you use a vibrator:

  • Clitoral Stimulation: you can purchase a tiny bullet vibrator that is perfect for focused vibrations of varying intensity on your clitoris; or, many vibrators such as the infamous Rabbit have both a vibrating shaft AND a tickling clitoris stimulator so you can enjoy stimulation to your clit and g-spot simultaneously for a blended orgasm. Really any vibrator can be used to stimulate the clitoris, penetration is never an obligation if you buy a phallic or shaft-like vibrator!
  • G-spot stimulation & Vaginal Penetration: again, something dual purpose that can penetrate while stimulating the clitoris can be extra fun. There are also vibrators with curves and texture to specifically reach and tickle your g-spot. Yum!
  • Prostate and anal penetrative stimulation: find a vibrator with a flared base and no detachable pieces so you can safely enjoy vibrating anal penetration. Some are even shaped specifically to help reach and stimulate the prostate for toe-curling orgasms. A flared base is mandatory for any anal toy so it doesn’t get lost in the anus- talk about a bummer!
  • Constrictive Penile Stimulation: you could use cockrings that vibrate while constricting blood flow to your penis; “flesh light”/sleeve style vibrators you can jerk off with or simply at back and let the vibrator do the work for a “hands off” experience.
  • Tickling: Who says you have to use a vibrator on your genitals? You can use a vibrator anywhere on your body for tickling and teasing: try using your vibrator on your nipples, inner thighs, neck, arms or stomach for different sensations.
  • 2 for 1: this can include cockrings that have clitoral stimulators built in so you can stimulate your partner’s clit while thrusting your penis; double-ended vibrators that can be inserted into two vaginas at once; or strap-on vibrating dildos so you can be stimulated while you penetrate your partner vaginally or anally (be sure the toy is secured with a flared base).

No matter how you plan to use a vibrator, make sure you are using one that is made from non-porous materials and is easy to clean! Infections aren’t super sexy, so find a vibrator made from silicone, ABS plastic or stainless steel and avoid materials like PVC, thermoplastic rubber or jelly latex so it can be sparkling clean for your next sexy adventure! A toy safe cleaning spray or foam is an excellent investment for quick cleanup. When learning how to use a vibrator, the only thing you need to remember is: have fun, and don’t be afraid to explore!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Sexless marriage

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage - and How to Fix It!

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage- and How to Fix It!

 

If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is easy to feel rejected, hopeless and a little embarrassed. A sexless marriage is more common than you may think, and is rarely a standalone issue.

A sexless marriage is usually a symptom of another issue you are having as a couple. The great news is that with the help of a therapist, these issues can be tackled and bring you closer together than before.

 

A Sexless Marriage vs A Dry Spell

All marriages will have “dry spells”- perhaps you have a busy month, someone is sick, or any other zillion things that can get in the way of some time between the sheets (or on the couch, or on the kitchen table, or in the car....). A sexless marriage is a chronic, prolonged amount of time that is abnormal for you as a couple and leaves both parties with unmet needs. Some experts say this means having sex less than 10 times per year, other experts are hesitant to put a number on it because needs and the definition of sex varies greatly from couple to couple.

sexless marriage

 

Reasons Why You’re in a Sexless Marriage

Again, it is worth working with a therapist to unpack any issues that are contributing to a sexless marriage, however the following reasons you may be in a sexless marriage can help get you and your partner reflecting on why- and how to begin fixing it:

 

  1. Lack of Communication

     

It always comes down to a lack of communication, doesn’t it?! While communication doesn’t seem sexy, a lack of it can really make for a sexless marriage! Not communicating when something is bothering you is a recipe for building resentment, which is very unsexy. While it may take some professional input to unpack resentments that have built over years or are even the result of a traumatic breach of trust such as infidelity, you can begin to cultivate the habit of communication. When something bugs you, or if you feel hurt or rejected, don’t hold it in but also try to avoid these crucial conversations if either of you are stressed, tired, angry or otherwise emotionally raw. Cool, calm and collected and willing to stop and listen to the other side is a great start!

 

  1. You don’t ever talk about sex

 

A sexless marriage can also be a symptom of shame and embarrassment around fantasies, perceived lack of knowledge or a lack of open communication (there it is again!) around desires you worry are taboo. Remember: no one is magically born with amazing sexual skills! Just like any other skill, it requires practice and feedback. If you’re in a sexless marriage because sex just isn’t satisfying or you have a desire you feel you can’t share with your partner out of fear, take the plunge and start talking about sex. It isn’t about laying out everything you don’t like about sex with your partner, it is about encouraging what works and discussing your needs, desires and boundaries!

 

  1. Performance Anxiety

 

“If I don’t try, then I can’t fail”. A sexless marriage can sometimes be a case of crippling performance anxiety that has become an ingrained mentality, kind of a bad mental habit. This of course ties into so many other issues: self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of communication about sex and desires, or even a physiological response to underlying trauma. If you avoid sex altogether because you are afraid of letting your partner down or being criticized, it might be time to do a deep dive with a therapist together to fix your sexless marriage and improve your self worth! You deserve a healthy, satisfying sex life and you can learn how to please each other, even if it takes a little outside help!

 

  1. You’ve Fallen into a “roommate” dynamic

 

Maintaining a household, splitting bills, cooking meals, cleaning, doing laundry, arguing over who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher- it can be easy to fall into a sexless marriage when the minutiae of day to day life takes over. You may be happily cohabiting, but is the small stuff piling up and getting in the way of seeing your partner in a way that invokes sexual desire? Obviously, as relationships progress that initial hormonal boost that made you so hot for each other int he beginning fades, but there’s no need to resign yourselves to a platonic existence!

 

A sexless marriage can be helped by deliberately making an effort to experience life (and your partner) erotically. Focus on parts of them that turn you on, or actions they take that make you feel aroused. Is paying a bill inherently sexy? No, but maybe the way your partner signs their name is, or how they lick their lips while they concentrate on how to reduce the overall energy expenditure next month, or the way their arm looks strong holding groceries can become new, more subtle turn ons.

Sexless marriage

 

  1. You rely on spontaneity

 

At the beginning, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and now you can’t even remember the last time you saw each other naked “for fun”. If your sexless marriage is a byproduct of feeling more like sex should “just happen”, why not add sex to the to-do list? It may seem like making sex “a chore”, but the opposite is true: it gives you something to look forward to, and a mandated opportunity to connect, touch, and experience intimacy. You can even plan themes or games that you want to try! Think of it like this- Valentine’s Day isn’t necessary or the only opportunity to show someone you love them, and it isn’t spontaneous, but having a specific day devoted to love and romance in addition to your day to day love or unexpected rendezvous is something to look forward to and make special. So make these planned “date nights” special, you deserve it! And who knows, it may become second nature and prompt more spontaneous encounters!

 

What now?

You’ve scoured the internet for advice on how to fix your sexless marriage and have picked up a few tips, so what now? Try them out! 

And most importantly, communicate, communicate, communicate! 

Take some time to discuss creative, kind and productive solutions, as well as what has been contributing to your sexless marriage- yet, listen to and empathize with your partner, and above all… don’t criticize. 

A sex therapist can help facilitate these conversations if you find you’re having trouble opening up or making productive changes. 

Never forget: it takes some work, vulnerability and communication, yet you can fix a sexless marriage!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.