Silent Divorce Trend: Living Together, Growing Apart

 

You probably know what silent divorce stands for; you just weren’t familiar with the name. Silent divorce refers to a married couple who live together yet are not emotionally connected anymore. The reasons for staying together can vary from finances to not being willing to make such a change in your life. Whatever it is, there has been a rise in silent divorces across the US. 

Although it is becoming more common, we’re rarely talking about silent divorce. It is taboo, resulting in a lack of support for people experiencing it. What are your options if you’re in a silent divorce? How can you ensure you feel supported throughout this experience? Let’s explore it together. 

 

What Is a Silent Divorce?

Silent divorce differs from the traditional divorce concept you have in mind. Both have the same or similar causes, yet their direction is not the same. Being in a silent divorce doesn’t imply that the couple is initiating a legal divorce. So, what is a silent divorce?

It is a phase of a marriage in which both partners have lost emotional connection to each other, including physical intimacy, and still live together. Unlike many misconceptions, silent divorce has nothing to do with cheating. The phase your marriage is in has nothing to do with the third person. It is just a result of an emotional distance between you and your spouse. ‘

 

“I see many clients who indicate they feel like they are a roommate instead of a partner,” indicates Dr. Amanda Pasciucco, owner of Life Coaching and Therapy.

“This issue has become more commonplace since the COVID-19 pandemic and continues to be a leading problem among couples today,” adds Pasciucco. 

 

This emotional distance includes mental and often physical disengagement. It can show up as a lack of interest in your partner’s activities, emotions, or whereabouts. Couples going through a silent divorce can also experience a lack of communication, shared goals, and engagement in each other’s lives in general. 

 

Common Causes of Silent Divorce

While each marriage is unique, we can identify certain factors that commonly lead to silent divorces. One of the most common reasons for a silent divorce is emotional neglect. Both partners are neglecting each other and are not interested in each other’s emotional needs. They are not behaving this way to hurt each other or to prove a point. Emotional neglect is two-directional and is a result of a lack of interest in each other, not an external factor. 

Almost all silent divorces are characterized by poor communication habits. This doesn’t have to imply that the couple was communicating poorly prior to this phase. On the contrary, the couple could have been close before, sharing secrets and talking about each other’s emotions and personal experiences. 

Another cause of silent divorce is unresolved conflicts or resentment. For whatever reason, the couple hasn’t worked on these issues, or they haven’t found an efficient solution. Over time, this situation caused the couple to grow apart and cease functioning as a team. 

Also, life transitions such as children, aging parents, and career shifts can lead to silent divorce. You may have different views on these topics, or you may have changed over the years due to these events. 

 

The Hidden Impact of Silent Divorce 

Just because the emotional distance is mutual, it doesn’t make it a pleasant experience. It can be quite challenging not to be intimate with the person who used to mean everything to you. It takes time to get used to the new dynamics in the house, and you may both find it difficult to adapt. 

There could be a variety of feelings, including anxiety, loneliness, and low self-esteem. You might worry about how your behavior affects your children and other family members. Over time, you may experience some health symptoms, particularly in relation to your physical and mental well-being. Because of this, it’s critical to get help before you feel overburdened. 

During this time, speaking with a reputable mental health therapist can make you feel more supported. Therapy can also make you more aware of what is in your control and what is not, which is especially important if you have kids.

Keep in mind that, although a silent divorce is a better alternative than marriage with a lot of arguing and stress, it is not the best solution for either of you. Staying together because of financial issues or family stability can backfire emotionally and create more damage than good for everyone involved. 

 

Are You in a Silent Divorce?

If you’re uncertain whether your marriage is going through a silent divorce or something else, there is a quick self-assessment exercise you can do to find out. The exercise consists of a list of questions or indicators that you can answer. Your spouse is not required to do this exercise with you. 

Ask yourself the following questions to assess your marriage situation: 

• Do you feel more like roommates than lovers?
• Do you avoid meaningful conversations?
• Is there emotional or physical intimacy?
• Do you feel you must hide things from them, as they wouldn’t want to be disturbed? 

You can answer these questions in writing or use them to think about the current situation. You can share this list of questions and your answers with your partner if you think it will help.

 

Conclusion

It will depend on you two as to how your situation develops in the future. You might both decide to seek marital counseling and work on the underlying problems or conflicts that have been present for years. You might choose to live apart to figure out what you want. Some couples decide to try reconnecting through shared activities before thinking about separating or divorcing. 

During this experience, it’s crucial to take care of yourself. Doing your best to save or end your marriage shouldn’t cost you your well-being. If you have kids, they should see that their parents are emotionally stable even in difficult times. Being true to yourself will lead you to the best option, whether that’s staying together or divorcing. Lastly, be kind to yourself. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. The same goes for your spouse. You can only function as a team, even in the final act, when both of you prioritize your personal needs. Prioritize yourself today by scheduling a session. 

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexibility multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) who has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists helps all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.