Sleep Divorce: Is It Good or Bad For Your Marriage? 

 

Have you heard about sleep divorce? Maybe you’re not familiar with the term, yet it’s probably something you have an opinion about. Sleep divorce refers to sleeping in separate bedrooms with the ultimate objective of improving sleep quality. By doing so, you can avoid inconveniences such as snoring, CPAP machine noise, insomnia, differing sleep schedules, temperature preferences, and so on. 

The practice can be especially beneficial for couples who have different sleep patterns or poor sleep quality. However, is it a good or a bad thing for your marriage? What should you know about sleep divorce before you implement it into your marriage? We bring you all the answers. 

 

Definition of Sleep Divorce

Sleep divorce refers to an arrangement in which romantic partners who live together choose to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms to improve the quality of their sleep. Although you might assume at first, sleep divorce doesn’t refer to isolating from your partner after an argument. It is a conscious decision between two partners to improve their sleep and intimacy. 

This decision can be made at any time in your relationship or marriage, yet it’s made for the benefit of both partners. For example, your partner might snore every night, causing you to sleep poorly and go to work exhausted. Doing this for weeks or months can lead to arguments, irritation, and frustration with your marriage and everything else in your life.

To avoid it, some couples decide to sleep apart. After a while, these couples report better sleep quality and improved intimacy. That said, not every couple is the same and what works for some might not work for your relationship. 

 

Addressing Potential Challenges

Every new idea comes with a set of challenges, and sleep divorce is no exception. It’s crucial to avoid any misunderstanding that might occur when talking to your partner about this idea. If they are not so open to discuss it, explain to them that it’s not a sign of emotional distance. On the contrary, sleep divorce boosts intimacy and your personal well-being. 

Depending on your views on commenting on your decisions with other people, you might fear how they feel about it. Social stigma or fear of judgment is an important factor if one of you feels the need for approval from others. If this is the case with your partner, try to be comprehensive and share your perspective with them. 

Even if your partner is accepting of sleep divorce, you will still have to discuss navigating intimacy and sex. Deciding to sleep in separate rooms will change how you approach each other for sex, cuddling, or pillow talk. You can decide which days you wish to have time for intimacy. Alternatively, you can choose to be physically intimate before heading to your separate rooms. 

Lastly, there is also guilt or fear of rejection. A person suggesting trying a sleep divorce might feel conflicted about it before even discussing it with a partner.

 You may want to try this approach, whether your goal is to improve your sleep quality or to enhance intimacy with your partner. Just because you’re next to them all night doesn’t mean you’re intimate. Intimacy requires intention, and sleep divorce can give you that. 

 

Talking to Your Partner About Sleep Divorce

Before making such a decision, engage in a heartfelt conversation with your partner. If your partner is not into this idea, be patient and explain to them your motivation for such a suggestion. 

Tell them it’s not about emotional separation. Sleep divorce is a practical strategy for personal well-being. If they’re worried about a lack of physical intimacy due to the separation, tell them you can have all of them before going to bed. In fact, many couples have noticed that they share more moments of cuddling, having sex, or spending time together before they go to their beds or rooms. 

Address their worries and give them time to process your suggestion. You can start to sleep separately once a week to see how you both feel about it. There is really no rule on how to implement sleep divorce into your marriage or relationship. Follow the path that seems most natural to both of you. 

Once you’ve reached a mutual understanding, it’s crucial to discuss boundaries and requests. For example, you may want to ask your partner not to come to bed while you’re asleep, as it may frighten you and make it hard to sleep again. Make sure you both communicate before and during your sleep divorce. Ask each other how you feel about this change. Be supportive of each other while getting used to this new arrangement. 

 

Is Sleep Divorce Right for You?

If you’re uncertain whether sleep divorce is the best option for your marriage or relationship, ask yourself the following questions: 

• Do I consistently wake up feeling tired or unrested after sharing a bed?
• Do I sleep better when my partner is away or when I nap alone?
• Am I often disturbed by my partner’s snoring, movement, or sleep habits?
• Do we have different sleep preferences (e.g., bedtime, temperature, mattress firmness)?
• Has sharing a bed caused tension, arguments, or resentment in our relationship?
• Do we communicate openly about our sleep frustrations without blame or shame?
• Is our intimacy suffering because we associate bedtime with stress instead of connection?
• Would sleeping separately help us show up more lovingly during the day?
• Are we open to trying a temporary or partial sleep divorce (e.g., a few nights per week)?
• Can we create routines that preserve physical closeness (e.g., cuddling before going to separate rooms)?
• Are we willing to check in regularly and adjust the arrangement if it’s not working?

 

Do What’s Best For Your Marriage

Whatever you decide, make sure it benefits your marriage. Start small if you’re interested in experimenting with sleep divorce. Sleep separately one night per week and increase when you feel comfortable. If there are certain nights when you or your partner needs physical intimacy, make sure you don’t see it as breaking the rules. The only goal is to make you grow personally and together! 

Schedule a session to discuss the subject more! 

 

 

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