Post by Meaghan

42 attempts. 42 different notes in my phone. 42 continuous efforts to find the perfect thing to say.

I wanted to post a before and after so I could show you the severity of my eating disorder. However, at my lowest weight I was sick and at my highest weight I was more sick. A photo would not serve justice.

I wanted to post about a day in the life of my eating disorder. I wanted to tell you how every day existing in the world was a challenge. I wanted you to hear that disordered eating leads to eating disorders.

I wanted to talk about my hatred for one size fits all diets. They are not geared to you or anyone in particular. They are a business that prophets from telling women and men how different their lives are going to be.

I wanted to tell you about the months I spent struggling with suicidal ideations. I wanted to share about all the negative things that happen in your brain when you don’t give it fuel.

I wanted to scream from the roof tops telling all my friends they are capable of recovery. I wanted to tell them all that I see them as so much than just a disorder.

I wanted to say a big “screw you” to anyone who hasn’t supported me. To everyone who has asked me to stay silent. To anyone who would rather talk to me about diets than how I’m doing in recovery. I wanted to tell you, “I’m doing better without you.”

I wanted to say too much. This past week was National Eating Disorder Awareness week. A week I normally honor with pictures, words, art, speakers, and movie days. It’s a very important week in treatment, a celebration for all that we have overcome.

This year the week was filled with added anxiety, stress, and work. I cant say I’m disappointed. My stress didn’t come from a cupcake, it came from a huge workload and stuff happening with my family. My anxiety came from drinking too much caffeine. My life has become a normal life for a 26 year old.

I still often think of my eating disorder. I’d say my brain is divided 25/75. 25% of my brain is consumed by disordered thoughts however the other 75% knows how to combat it. Recovery is HARD. I don’t believe I will ever fully get there. Yet, every day becomes more beautiful and more full of light.

That’s all the growth I could ever ask for. To my girls and guys who were able to honor this week- thank you.

Thank you for taking time out of your day to share about your recovery. Thank you for sharing photos of all the different states lighting it up blue and green for NEDA. Thank you for sharing your art work. However more importantly, thank you for continually fighting and showing me how strong you are. You inspire me. 💙💚💙