BDSM for Beginners

Most people have a taboo kink or two, but have no idea how to bring those fantasies into reality, which is why this post is about BDSM for beginners.

Sex starts between your ears in your largest and most important sex organ – your brain!

You should understand BDSM before you start. First of all BDSM stands for Bondage & Disciple, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Kinky sex can be defined many different ways, but for most experienced adults, we are usually talking about something that is either taboo in your culture, peer group or family, or is fetishistic. Sometimes it’s both!

So an excellent place to start is to ask yourself the question.

What exactly do I want?

 

BDSM for Beginners – Cheat Code One!

 

If you have no idea, your first cheat code is to think about the things that you fantasize about when you masturbate.

If you think about the same specific thing every time, you have a fetish or a paraphilia! Feet, hair, shoes, lactation, blood, bondage, incest are all common examples of this type of kink, but it really can be anything.

And fetishes are so weird that it’s weird if they aren’t weird, so don’t fall into the “shame trap” if you have a fetish. Somewhere in the world, there is someone that shares your fetish and there is probably porn about it.

If you find that your kinky fantasies are less specific and more along the lines of “something naughty with someone hot” than you are more likely looking for taboo sex or experimental sex.

This is less about a specific “object” and more about a general dynamic or curiosity. Some common general dynamics are power exchange scenarios, kidnapping fantasies, School teacher fantasies, Pirate fantasies, Cowboys, firemen, damsels in distress, threesomes, body fluids, anything that you think is hot because you aren’t supposed to is taboo.

It all sounds interesting to you and you are super curious to try all the things out!
You are motivated by adventure and may also be adrenaline junkies in other areas of life.

Ask yourself what your fantasies are, then try to sort whether you are looking for a specific fetish, or if you are seeking a particular dynamic for naughty “Taboo Sex” or if you are just seeking experiments for novelties sake.

 

BDSM for Beginners – Cheat Code Two!

Identify your most likely source!

 

Be careful not to remove others humanity in this step! People are more likely to get kinky with you, if you treat them like humans not objects.

Are you currently in a committed relationship? If so, then prudent honesty is your best bet. Easy peasy!

Be aware that sexual revulsion is real and it isn’t a bad idea to test your partner for revulsion before you attach any expectation toward a specific kink from them.

And I don’t mean just stick your finger in their ass and see if they kick you for it… I mean something more like observe them carefully when something that you find hot comes up naturally.

For instance, if you are into feet, find out if they get pedicures, if they do, they don’t freak out when someone touches their feet, so you have a pretty good idea that they aren’t automatically revulsed.

Mentally review their life story and sexual history for areas of sensitivity.

Give them an opportunity to talk about it without suggesting that you have a detention fantasy.

How did they feel about the Pirates of the Caribbean movies?
Or Grey’s Anatomy?
Or Game of Thrones?
Or Fifty Shades?
Bear in mind that you may find new incompatibilities this way and that is depressing and will sometimes force a decision.

If you are not in a relationship, Google is your friend!
There are special interest groups all over the country for all manner of kinks and many of them even have a national level convention.

 

There is a Con for EVERYTHING (almost)!

 

My advice is to go to them for education first and find out what the norms and protocols around your particular kink is before you just dive in with a stranger.

Sites like Fetlife can be very helpful with this.

Also, be aware that friends with common interests are a great thing, even it it doesn’t end in a mutually satisfying outcome, so don’t be afraid to mingle!

Now that you have identified your most likely source, COMMUNICATE!

 

Communication

 

Prudence is your friend, but shame is your enemy.

If you already know what your kinky sex wish is, STOP and say it out loud!

ACTUALLY PAUSE! And voice it to the screen.

If you did it, AWESOME!

Now you just gotta tell the person that really matters: your partner or potential partners!

 

After you have decided that, tell them what you want!
HERE IS THE BEST CHEAT CODE EVER for BDSM for Beginners!

 

Work from general to specific, listen as much as you talk, and be willing to barter! Here is a simple sample to help, feel free to use it as a template.

(indicate that you are interested in them in a sexually exploratory way, yet don’t offer full vulnerability right from the beginning. Give them a chance to buy in and meet you halfway)

-I have been having a little fantasy lately…

-Oh really?

-Yes, It kinda feels like maybe I’m picking up on a vibe between us and I wonder if you feel something similar.

(If they are encouraging ask for a buy in)

-I’ll tell you, but you have to tell me your fantasy first…

(LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THEM WHEN THEY TELL AND HONESTLY CONSIDER. Then, you can tell them your fantasy).

Don’t give them feedback on their fantasy until you tell them yours and you both have skin in the game.

Pick a follow up plan and get them to agree to it.

Now you have a roadmap to follow!

I just have one closing thought to share before I let you go manifest your sexy dreams…

A note on fantasies.

Some fantasies can’t be ethically practiced in the real world and must be left to fantasy. This is particularly true of a lot of taboo fantasies. In these cases, role playing can be your friend!

Take some time in the shared fantasy stage with your partner before you try to make it a reality.

Enjoy the journey!

If you want to learn more about BDSM and Kink, please comment below!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.