5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships
Have you heard about 5 Labor Languages?
You may be here because you are looking for a 5 love language quiz to try.
Here is the thing… I am a millennial therapist, so I talk about emotional, cognitive, physical, relational labor… and the idea of bringing those all to consciousness often.
Through my experience in working with individuals and relationships, many people discuss the 5 love language quiz, yet they are still in therapy.
I have learned that Labor Languages are FAR less talked about than it should be.
So buckle up, today we are talking about “labor” instead of the 5 love language quiz!
Before we begin, I want you to take stock of which pieces or aspects of labor in relationships (romantic and otherwise) you do!
Physical labor looks like what is done in a relationship that are often seen as tasks or chores. This labor could look like taking out the garbage, cleaning, organizing, yard work, physical intimacy, fixing things in shared space, cleaning the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. These are not all the ways to do physical labor, I am just noting some examples.
Physical labor requires one to do some physical or manual work. Often these tasks or chores are day to day (such as cleaning the kitchen or cooking) or multiple times per week (such as vacuuming) or weekly (mowing the lawn) or larger tasks such as fixing something in the household, etc.
Admittedly, this has not always been my personal strength, but I have used this as a growth edge for me. I have worked hard at building ways to increase my ability to engage in these type of labor and I am rocking it out!
Emotional labor is placing your own personal resources or energy into someone else’s emotions or feelings to support them in what may be occurring. This can be done through conversation, holding space for someone, physical reassurance, listening to them, communicating, etc.
Emotional labor is one that we see in various types of relationships (not just romantic ones). I am very lucky as a therapist to have so many people in my life who are great at this and to have the skills to engage in this.
Cognitive labor is often known as the “invisible” work in relationships.
It is how someone organizes tasks, keeps the household running, and often includes planning, forethought, and looking at the big picture.
Cognitive labor can look like running the family calendar, managing family finances, planning meals, scheduling appointments, organizing events, and coordinating with other systems (family, friends, daycare, etc.).
Boom! This is 100% my strength in almost all my relationships.
My friends and family know that when I am at my highest and best version of me, I am usually really engaged with cognitive (and emotional!) labor in my relationships.
Relational labor is a combination of all of the above listed ones. I say this because this is the labor where we have to communicate and work together in our relationships to engage in each of the above (physical, emotional, and cognitive). In relational labor, it is our responsibility to communicate, share, collaborate, and create within our relationships in order to make sure our needs are met within that relationship. Relational labor looks like having conversations about the relationship, setting boundaries, clarifying, and communicating.
For me, this is a growth edge that I have had. There have been times in my life where I rocked at this and there have certainly been times in various relationships where I have struggled with this piece. I think it is important that we take stock and look at which relationships this was hardest to do and why. When I do that, I notice this has showed up in many of my friendships and because of my own traumas, me not engaging in this labor was for fear or loss so setting boundaries or talking about my needs was often so scary I didn’t address it.
Boom Shaka Laka – Bring the Unconscious to the Conscious!
Alright, now we have looked at each of these sections and we are sitting and considering which areas in which relationships are on point and which are a growth edge for us. Wahoo!
This is so important to reflect on because often times we unconsciously engage in this labor. When this labor is done unconsciously it can result in feelings of resentment towards others. The problem is, is if we are not conscious or aware of it we may not be able to truly communicate what is showing up for us – and if we cannot do that we are not going to feel fulfilled in our relationships.
I urge you to bring the unconscious to the conscious. Reflect. Learn. Growth. Communicate. HEAL. Healing is a process, when we truly begin to do it – it looks like conscious, intentional, consensual growth. When we are unconsciously doing, we are not truly choosing or consenting. When we do not choose or consent, we resent and (re)experience trauma. When we choose and consent, we are empowered and work within our relationships to negotiate, collaborate, and create.
We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!
YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.
If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.
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