Using IAM Communication to negotiate for a Win – Win
By Francesca Gentille & Edited by Amanda Pasciucco
Have you heard of IAM Communication?
For some of us, due to lack of attunement in childhood, attachment fears, hypervigilance and projections can cause communication issues.
The Inner Aspects Method (IAM) created by Francesca Gentille discusses trauma triggers and missing skill sets so our relationships can thrive.
Instead of giving up or giving in, begin to question how you used to negotiate. In the beginning of the relationship, what was different?
You may wonder how the relationship transformed from loving to where it is.
It is difficult to find ways to collaborate that are connective.
Most people were not taught how to do so.
In most cases, caretakers used the “Old Paradigm” ways of raising children or talking to one another.
These common yet dysfunctional communication styles view The Other (unconsciously) as an enemy or a flawed being that needs to be controlled, or punished.
You may recognize some of these common, yet dysfunctional statements:
- You don’t get to!
- Back off!
- Who do you think you are?
- I’m in charge.
- As long as you’re under my roof, you will do things my way.
To collaborate and get creative in designing a win-win relationship is entering a New Paradigm.
For many, it will take healing in some way to reduce reactivity to sensitized projections.
In the New Paradigm, others we choose are friends, collaborators, and co-researchers in life as to what might work. Therefore, release knowing what is right or wrong. This is a journey of discovery to something new.
Similarly, training in healthy forms of communication, like the ¨Non-Violent Communication¨ designed by psychotherapist Marshall Rosenberg (www.CNVC.org), may be helpful.
Functional Adult Qualities:
- Able to postpone immediate gratification
- Able to grow at edges of comfort to give toward the relationship without resentment
From the Wise Functional Adult State we can ask ourselves and one another:
- How could it work?
- What else is possible?
- On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is this strategy, desire, wish to you (or to myself)?
- What is the underlying need that this is designed to fulfill?
A favorite phrase to ask as an empowered, functional adult is something like “would you be willing to collaborate with me to get BOTH our needs met? Then, we can then brainstorm possible options together.”
We might choose to try on a particular strategy for a week, a month, a couple months or some other period of time. Sometimes it feels easier to experiment for a limited time period than commit indefinitely.
I recommend thinking of being collaborators and Field Researchers in the experiment of love and life. With a compassionate, creative, open mind, so much is possible!
We might take turns as to whose strategies get to lead, or base the decision as a couple on who has the most need (scale of 1 to 10). Also, consider professional guidance, support, mediation, coaching, or psychotherapy.
We will make mistakes. Once we have agreements we will find out that not all of them were realistic or workable. I appreciate how this is described in The 5 Reasons Agreements Fail by Dawn Davidson.
If we find it difficult to forgive or trust our partner, it is time to go back into therapy and-or other healing modalities.
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