Learning How To Survive In An Unhappy Marriage

 

If you ask your friend how to survive in an unhappy marriage, they will probably tell you to get a divorce, yet things in life are rarely this black and white. After all, you enjoy some of the things in your marriage. And you’re not willing to give up on them just like that. Maybe you enjoy the family life you built with your kids, or maybe it’s the fun you two have each time on vacation. Whatever it is, marriage isn’t something you just eliminate from your life without putting the effort to save it first.

So, instead of being torn between the two options – leave or stay – you should go back to the reasons why you got married in the first place and what you used to love and admire about your spouse. This process takes time, and if your marriage is something you once cared about. You should never leave just because you feel unhappy at the moment.

Go Back To The Beginning

To understand the source or sources of your unhappiness, you will need to figure out when you started feeling like this. For instance, it might be that you started feeling unhappy when you quit your full-time job and decided to become a stay-at-home parent. This might have led to putting high expectations on your spouse to participate more in family activities. Or romantic moments with you. However, due to their work, they were not able to live up to your expectations.

It might be that your spouse became distant due to work problems and that the two of you stopped communicating and being intimate. There are countless reasons why someone might start feeling unhappy in their marriage, yet the first step to solving it is to determine when and why it all started. And it doesn’t have to be just reason or one person that leads to you feeling like this, it might be a combination. 

So, make sure you ask yourself what changed in your marriage that is making you feel like this. If you don’t have a clear answer, make a comparison of before and after. Go into the most fulfilled phase of your marriage and reminisce on all the good things that made you happy in it. Then, do the same for now. What makes you unhappy? Are you able to separate expectations you put on your partner and reality? Which part are you responsible for?

Accepting Your Responsibility For Your Unhappiness

Before going any further, nobody says that it’s your fault that your partner is neglecting you, being distant from you. Or not hearing you when you talk about your needs. With that being said, we have to be aware that there is a certain amount of responsibility we have for each situation in our life. In marriage, as we’re so connected to our spouses, we often forget that we are two very different individuals. Yes, you might have the same plans for the future, the same values in life, and the same friends or activities. However, you don’t share one personality.

So, instead of blaming the other person for the way you feel, how about finding something that will make you feel satisfied and passionate about something new? It finally might be the time to take that pottery class, join yoga classes in your neighborhood. Or start learning Spanish or French. Think about the things that you always postponed because you never had time to do them, and decide to do them now. 

It doesn’t have to be anything revolutionary, it can be simple walks in the evenings with your best friend to unwind from a stressful day. And have a few moments for yourself. Once you focus more on working toward your own happiness. You will have fewer expectations of others to make you happy. 

Focus Only On Your Marriage

Only once you have taken care of yourself and implemented things that make you happy. You should take a new look at your marriage. There is a chance that the reason you were so unhappy in your marriage had nothing to do with your marriage. Or, it might be that even in your most fulfilled moments. You still don’t feel that marriage is the best option for you. Whatever your ultimate decision is, the important thing is to make a decision from a position of calm, happiness, and strength. Instead of frustration, sadness, or fear. 

Now, that you feel so energized and your life is filled with things that you enjoy doing. How does your marriage feel? If your partner is at his low, are you able to help them? Are you willing to motivate them to work on their own happiness, just like you worked on finding yours? 

You are married to a person, not a thing. What we often forget is that we all change and evolve, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Your partner might be stuck due to certain issues, yet with the right help, they might become again the person you fell in love with. That help can come in numerous shapes and forms. They can see how you changed and be inspired to do the same. They can start communicating openly about their feelings and what is troubling them. Often, people reach out to therapists to provide them with the tools they need to feel in control of their life and satisfied with what they have.

Saving A Marriage

If you’re determined to save your marriage, you should know it will not be easy. Everything that has unmeasurable value to us takes a lot of hard work and love for it to work. If you’re not sure whether you should stay and try to save it, think about how many months or years you have been unhappy. Compared to that, spending a few months trying to make your marriage work. While also seeking your own happiness, doesn’t seem like a long period, right? At least try to make it work by doing the best you can. And then you will know you truly tried everything. 

 

Couples Communication Strategies

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

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