There’s no doubt about it, shameless sex is complex.
Sex can range from a random fling with someone you met online to intimacy that creates the deepest connection possible..
No matter what kind of sex you’re having, there’s often a lot of emotion involved. Even the “casual sex” you think you’re having has something deeper at work.
Whether it’s a want for connection, a desire to outwardly express love, for kicks (or even revenge), sex is about more than just the act of genitals.
We’re driven by a need to fill a part of us emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, and physically through the “feel-good hormones” that get pumped into our body after lustful, intimate, or sexual connection.
After sex sometimes feels complicated.
Have you ever sat and thought about how you’re feeling after sex?
Unfortunately, a lot of people, for several reasons, feel shame during and after sex. Shame can be a debilitating condition that hampers your ability to enjoy sex and experience everything it can give you.
How Sex Education Impacts Our Attitudes About Intimacy
It’s normal for all of us to have grown up in a more conservative environment than the one in which we live now. People’s ideas about morality and sex become more open as they expose themselves to new ideas. It takes time to overcome and discard the narrow thinking of the past.
You may have grown up in a conservative religious home where sex was taboo and not a conversation to be discussed. Abstinence may have been the only option, so you learned to view sex as forbidden.
The people in your immediate circle – your parents, friends, mentors, and teachers – are more likely to have shared similar beliefs, so there wasn’t much in the way of information to be had.
Without proper preparation, you may not have been ready when you started to encounter sex. Sexual thoughts and acts may have been something you kept in secret.
Many religious people grow up having to hide even masturbation, something we know now is normal and almost completely universal.
When we associate sex with something bad or shameful, it warps our ability to connect and on a much more basic level enjoy sex!
It can take years of therapy and so many ups and downs to overcome the feelings of guilt and shame we carried for years.
The Difference Between Shame and Guilt
We need to make a distinction here that shame does not equal guilt. They often get bunched together, but they’re very different.
Guilt can be a positive emotion because it helps us adapt and correct harmful or detrimental behavior. It can drive us to become better and push us away from negativity.
Shame, on the other hand, isn’t a helpful emotion.
With shame, we veer into the territory of letting our mistakes or something bad that’s happened to us define who we are. Instead of recognizing something we did was bad, we become bad.
Shame can be debilitating. It can trigger anxiety that affects the way we think and interact with those around us. If you’ve struggled with shame in the past, there’s a good chance you’ve struggled with shame in the bed as well.
The Baggage We All Carry
The moment we realize that every person we have sex, and every time we have sex, we carry with us certain attitudes and thoughts about who we are and what we’re doing. Baggage can range from something horrible like childhood or sexual trauma to other issues like poor body image.
So often, we let baggage define us. It’s who we feel we are deep inside despite whatever image we project to a one-night stand or our committed partners. Overcoming baggage and identifying shame is so important to enjoying sex. Whether you’re trying to simply have fun and get off, or you long for meaningful eye contact as you make passionate love to someone you love, shedding the shame can give you the permission you need to let loose and enjoy sex.
Shameless Sex Through Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a gigantic step we can all take to drop our baggage approach sex more positively. After all, isn’t it time you cut yourself a break?
We tend to take things so seriously, even sex. Have you ever been in bed and listened to some of the negative thoughts that seem to race through your head? “Is he disappointed in my body?” “I’m worried I won’t be able to orgasm.” “Why am I so tense?” When we’re having what should be an amazing experience, we’re busy shooting ourselves down.
Self-compassion, on a very basic level, means cutting yourself a break! Instead of letting the way you feel define you as a person, you put them in a box labeled just what they are, “something you experienced once”. It’s a practice during which we focus on forgiving ourselves for whatever we did or happened to us.
Rejecting Shame and Embracing Shameless Sex
If you have trouble relaxing during sex or feel shame about your body, then reading this article isn’t going to solve your problem. You know by now that shame isn’t something you abandon. It’s usually buried deep and digging it up takes work.
Working with a licensed therapist can help you recognize shame and other detrimental emotions that prevent you from enjoying sex and other aspects of your life.
Don’t worry, you’re here because you know sex should be fun and something enjoyable.
Shameless sex is something a lot of us aspire to and are working earnestly towards. Stop thinking that something is wrong with you and that one magic day all of your problems and shame around sexual issues will disappear.
Experiencing shameless sex starts with the desire to get better.
Shameless sex for people who have wrestled with shame in the past is something we’re constantly working on. We learn how to forgive ourselves for being human and maybe even laugh at ourselves once in a while. It’s all part of the process of approaching sex is a more realistic, positive way.
You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer.
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Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
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