Imagine going through life, having many sexual experiences, and never achieving a first orgasm. Then, at some point, you’re with the right person, the lighting is right, the intensity level is good, there’s just the right amount of foreplay, and BAM!, your first orgasm hits. You’ll never be the same.
Orgasms are amazing. For many of us, we remember our first orgasmic experience and how it opened our eyes to the powerful sexuality that up until that point had lain dormant inside us. Once awakened, the ability to orgasm takes on a deeper meaning, and affects all of our sexual interactions.
Hopefully, your first orgasm and all of your subsequent orgasms were incredible experiences full of passion, love, and desire. Sometimes, it’s only one of those, and that’s OK! The motivation for sex is diverse and incredibly personal.
When we talk about orgasms and the first orgasm experience, it’s important to note that everyone is approaching this subject from a different perspective. Some of you may not have had your first orgasm yet and are trying to get there.
For others, orgasming can be inconsistent, so you’re trying to find better ways to climax.
Getting to Your First Orgasm
Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, especially when it comes to sexual pleasure, right? Many people, maybe even people you’re partnered with currently or in the past, may not even remember their orgasm. To them, it happens easily, so, what’s the fuss?
In 2005, a NY Times article reported that 30 percent of people with vaginas stated that they rarely or never have an orgasm during sex. That includes 10 percent of respondents that said they never have an orgasm.
In my mind, that’s too many people not having orgasms! Certainly, this does not overlook people who struggle with past trauma that makes it difficult to connect sexually, even with their bodies.
I work with people all the time on various ends of the sexual spectrum, from people who struggle to accept feeling aroused to people wanting to learn how to orgasm more frequently and more often.
Even if there is no underlying trauma inhibiting your ability to connect sexually, the mere fact that it’s a struggle leaves so many people feeling broken.
My message to you is, YOU ARE NOT BROKEN! Orgasming can be learned with practice and patience and a dash of self-acceptance. Here are some tips to get you over the hump more often.
Getting the Right Mindset
I’m a huge proponent of masturbation. I think it’s one of the best ways for people to explore and learn about their bodies. It’s where you find out what makes you tick.
You get to touch without judgment and experience different sensations in private. Masturbation is a healthy sexual habit that should be embraced.
Masturbation makes it easier to focus on the task without worrying whether your partner thinks you’re taking too long or making a funny face. It’s just you and you.
If you’re up for it, try masturbating, or even just exploring your genitals, in front of a mirror. Look as you touch, so you know exactly where different erogenous zones are.
Bring Toys to the Adult Playroom
It’s 2020, so it’s time we stamp out any remaining notion that needing a vibrator or some other sex toy to climax is somehow weird. I love my vibrator. I use the LeWand and I strongly recommend you get a vibrator, no matter what your gender is.
Explore different settings and movements with your vibrator. On a vagina, massage the area around the clitoral hood and labia, eventually moving to directly stimulate the clitoris.
Vibrators are also fantastic for penis-bodied people! You can use a vibrator to massage around the testicles, along the shaft, and the perineum (the area between your genitals and your anus).
Don’t have any shame in your sex toy game!
Connecting to Yourself Emotionally
There is certainly something to be said about having sex with the right person. Interestingly, sex can be mind-blowing with one person and mundane with the next. Remember, each person is bringing their experience, fears, and uncertainty into any sexual encounter, so it’s going to affect how things go.
What’s more important, though, is how we connect with ourselves, no matter who we’re having sex with. If you don’t give yourself permission to be stimulated and aroused, then it’s easier for your body to shut down.
Imagine climbing the orgasm mountain, and before you set out on your journey, you’re full of negative thoughts about how hard the trip will be, and you doubt you’ll make it. Now imagine going on that same journey full of positive energy, eager for the experience, and hyper with anticipation.
Which do you think has the higher odds of success?
If you’re finding yourself full of stress or anxiety at the thought of trying to orgasm, then it’s likely that your first orgasm will be elusive. We have to be able to overcome any emotional blocks that are preventing us from accepting touch and arousal that leads to orgasm.
That goes for masturbating alone or sex with someone else.
In my over ten years of experience as a licensed sex therapist, I’ve seen amazing success helping people understand what’s affecting their sex lives and how to get past it.
We can develop strategies specific to your situation that chip away at any blockages stopping you from orgasm.
Commit to the Climax
Even people who achieved their first orgasm easily had to decide to do it! Committing to the goal of the orgasming is like using a key to unlock your sexual vault.
The first time could be difficult, and it most certainly pays off. The rush of endorphins and all that sexual release offers is likely to bring you back for more and more.
The first orgasm is lifechanging for a lot of people. For others, it just happens. Whatever your situation, the more important issue is realizing that there’s always more sex to be had and better orgasms around the corner!
Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?
About Life Coaching and Therapy
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!
Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.