How to Stop Being Codependent & Have Healthy Relationships
How to Stop Being Codependent & Have Healthy Relationships
The answer to the question, ‘How to stop being codependent?’ is not straightforward. After all, developing codependency takes time, just as becoming more independent in your relationships does. All human beings exhibit certain types of codependent behaviors, especially during our childhood years. While growing up, we learn to become more independent in areas that feel safe, such as doing homework or riding a bike.
As much as we become independent adults, we will still seek connection and support from people in our lives, which is beneficial in many ways. Codependency, on the other hand, implies a dysfunctional dynamic in a relationship. It could mean that one person prioritizes the needs and desires of the other person over their own. It could also mean they need someone else’s approval before acting or saying something.
In codependency, both sides are enabling each other’s unhealthy behaviors. That is why the solution to codependency is not as simple as we’d like it to be. Instead, it’s essential to understand why someone is codependent, what they receive from it, and which healthy alternatives they can implement in these areas.
Codependency Explained
Some might refer to codependency as relationship addiction, while others might call it toxic relationships. Although these terms have much in common with codependency, they are not synonyms. We’ll say that a relationship is toxic when we can clearly see unhealthy behavior or the dynamics of that couple.
However, codependency will most probably not look toxic to you at first. People often mistake codependency for care, where one partner takes care of the other. Codependents expect others to care for them because they can’t do it themselves.
The following key characteristics provide the best explanation of codependency:
- Unhealthy dependence: Codependent people often have an unhealthy level of dependence on each other, whether it’s for approval, validation, security, or self-worth.
- Prioritizing others’ needs: In a codependent relationship, each person will prioritize the needs of the other instead of their own, most often at their expense.
- Enabling unhealthy behaviors: Both sides will enable codependency in each other through unhealthy behaviors, such as addiction, poor mental health, irresponsibility, or immaturity.
- Weak or lack of boundaries: Codependent partners will have issues setting and respecting boundaries.
- Fear of abandonment: To avoid being alone, a person with codependent behaviors will do anything to make the other person stay in their life.
- Low self-esteem: Those stuck in a codependent relationship often have low self-esteem and believe they don’t deserve anything positive or beautiful, so they focus on maintaining the status quo of their relationship instead of growing together.
Causes of Codependency
By going through the main characteristics of codependency, you might also get an idea of its common causes. Mostly, codependency stems from early childhood experiences. This means that children in dysfunctional families tend to become codependent adults. Growing up in a home with a lack of boundaries, low self-esteem, or prioritizing family needs over their own, a person will most probably repeat the same patterns in their relationships.
That is why it’s essential to become aware of what caused your codependency. In most cases, the answer appears during childhood. These causes can be:
- Abuse
- Neglect
- Unhealthy family roles
- Overprotective/underprotective parenting
- Insecure attachment
- Lack of self-worth
- Unresolved trauma
- Substance abuse
- Chronic illness
- Cultural and social factors
How Can You Stop Being Codependent
If you want your friendships and romantic relationships to be healthier, learning how to stop being codependent is essential. Follow the steps below to work on your codependency and consider talking to a therapist. Therapy is a good way to learn about your codependency, its effects on your relationships, and alternatives.
1.Get to Know Your Codependency
When we’re talking about the parts of us we don’t like so much, we tend to run away from them, thinking it might set us free. However, you can’t run away from something that is a part of you. Instead, you need to befriend it and learn all about it.
Why are you codependent? How does the habit benefit you? What are your first memories of codependent behavior? Answering these questions can help you understand the dynamics of your relationships. You can explore many techniques to get to know this part of you.
Consider giving that codependent part of you a name and talking to it. If you don’t want to do that, you can write down how you feel and what you need. It might feel awkward at first. After all, you’re doing it for the first time.
2.Think of Alternatives for Your Codependent Behaviors
Unbelievably, your codependency solely prioritizes your well-being! For example, your fear of abandonment led to creating several techniques to ensure such an event doesn’t happen in the future. Unfortunately, these techniques are exhausting and detrimental to your well-being.
Instead, you could set a goal of spending quality time with yourself once a week. The task could involve picking up an old hobby, practicing mindfulness, dancing to your favorite music, or anything else you like. By learning to enjoy your alone time, you will remind yourself that you don’t depend on others to have a good time.
The same goes for anything else you’ve realized while learning about your codependency. If you struggle with setting boundaries, these issues can be your focus. First, determine which values are most important for you in your relationships. For instance, if you appreciate punctuality, communicate it to your friends and romantic partner. Ask them to respect your time and share your boundaries with them.
This means you can leave after waiting 15 minutes or only meet when they can hang out with you.
3.Consider Therapy
This work might be overwhelming, so talking to a mental health professional could greatly help. A therapist can guide you through the process of understanding and reducing your codependency. Such an approach can benefit those who can’t find the right methods to get to know their codependency.
With a therapist, you will look closely at your relationships to see the common dynamic. Occasionally, all we need is someone asking the right question to trigger a train of thoughts that lead to valuable conclusions. You can also become aware of your codependency and work in parallel with a therapist. You can even ask them to give you homework after each session to maximize the value of the therapy.
Conclusion
Learning how to stop being codependent is the first step toward becoming more independent and building healthy, fulfilling relationships. It might take time, yet it’s possible. Once you realize your codependent behaviors, you’ll see things improve, whether you work on it alone or with a therapist. With each step, you will feel more confident and motivated to pursue relationships that reflect your inner state.
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