Essential Rules for Couples Sex – 10 Things You’re Allowed to Say During Sex!
Couples don’t start sex therapy because everything’s great. There’s usually some issue where they’re at an impasse. It’s something that, for whatever reason, they just can’t work their way through.
If you’re having intimacy issues in a committed relationship, you’ve probably been through the wringer a time or two. Whether it’s imbalances in sex drive, different levels of comfort with sexual exploration, or some other underlying issue, disagreements over sex are tough!
There’s so much tied up in the way we make love. Knowingly or unwittingly, you’re bringing your background, your trauma, and anything else that’s molded your sexuality into the bedroom with your partner.
We have to remember that sex is fun and it’s also complicated. It’s a way you can fill your own needs and the needs of your partner. When sex is great, it’s extremely fulfilling. When it’s not, it can be scarring.
Sometimes we lose sight of our boundaries in the pursuit of pleasing our partners. Each of us has to do what it takes to make sure sex stays fun, engaging, and positive. Here are some things you need to remember that you’re allowed to say and feel.
Can We Slow Down?
There’s hot sex and there’s slow sex. Sex can be kinky, and it can also be romantic. Sometimes it’s fast and sometimes it’s slow. You always have the right to tell your partner to slow down. That’s critical when you’re trying something new like BDSM or roleplaying. Go at your own pace! It’s ok if you don’t want to go from 0-100 on the first try. Find a speed you feel good with.
I Like That
I meet with so many people that have a hard time explaining what they like. If you ask them, they’re great at saying, “Well, I know I don’t like it when he touches me here or when she does that.” One of the best things you can do for your sexual enjoyment is taking control of what turns you on. If necessary, spend some alone time masturbating so you can get to know your body better. Once you know, make sure you clue your partner in as well!
I Don’t Like That and I Would Rather ____
There’s a compromise in sex, and both you and your partner should work together to find a happy medium where you’re both getting the sex and sense of adventure you crave while also keeping each other safe. Verbalize with your partner any time you feel uncomfortable with a sex act or situation. You’re an even part of what’s happening!
I Feel Nervous
Many of us hold anxious feelings inside because we’re afraid it might spook our partner or make it into a big deal. Your partner will probably be happy if you reveal you’re nervous. A good partner wants sex to be amazing for both of you, not just them. If they know you’re nervous they can be more attentive to how you’re feeling and do more to make sex a positive experience.
It will also help with pacing. When you start a sexual relationship with someone, it’s all about progression. Hopefully, the way you have sex in later months and years will be much different than the first time. You’ll be more comfortable about experimenting and pushing the boundaries of your sexuality. For that to happen you need a solid foundation on which you both feel comfortable as you move forward.
I Feel Complete. I Would Like to Be Done
Ego comes to play when you have sex. Some people are driven by self-pleasure and others crave the pleasure of others. If you’re with a partner that’s a giver or a pleaser, you need to be firm about when you’ve had enough. That can happen with positive feedback you give your partner, telling them how great they are at oral sex or how amazing your orgasm was.
It can also mean giving your partner clear signals that you’re through. As always, it’s vital you feel safe when you have sex. You’re not there solely for the enjoyment of your partner. It’s only part of the equation.
I am Thirsty/Hungry, Can We Take a Break?
Have you ever been with someone who loves marathon sex sessions? You’re French kissing and making love for hours. You may have read about tantric sex and how delaying orgasms can accentuate eventual pleasure.
Still, everyone has a limit. Make sure you don’t cross yours. Don’t let your partner make you feel guilty about needing a break during sex. A break can often increase tension and result in better orgasms!
I Would Like to Use More Lube
For whatever reason, many of you may feel embarrassed about asking for more lube.
For me personally, I don’t recommend any sex without it!
The stigma around lube is something most people deal with at some point.
Your partner may become insecure and take your asking for lube as an affront.
“What, I don’t turn you on enough to keep you lubricated?” is something I commonly hear.
First of all, those kinds of partners need to do a bit more learning about body fluids.
Secondly, please do not let embarrassment or anxiety about someone’s actions keep you from staying healthy and comfortable during sex. Lube makes it way more pleasurable for the sensitive skin of the body!
This is Fun!
That’s right, give yourself the right to have fun! Repeat after me, “Sex is supposed to be fun!”
Do whatever it takes to remove feelings of obligation, shame, abuse, or any other negative motivator.
Tell yourself that sex is fun. Reinforce the idea of what it should be. Don’t forget to tell your partner, too. They need to hear it sometimes as well.
Is This Meeting Your Needs?
Resist the urge to become so self-involved in your sexual growth that you leave your partner behind. Check-in on them regularly. Solicit feedback so you know what they’re feeling. Ask them if they’d like to try something new and follow up afterward to talk about how it went. You’ll be happier when your partner is digging sex as much as you are.
How Can We Find the Win-Win for Our Time Together?
Don’t forget, you’re in this together. Your sex can only climb as high as your partner is going to let it. Lift each other. Push each other up with positive reinforcement and transparency. When you strip away all the distractions that get caught up in sex, you’ll find a deeper connection. Sex will feel incredible and you’ll get extra comfort out of getting there with someone you love.
Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?
About Life Coaching and Therapy
Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!
Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.
Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.
LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.