The need to decrease resentment in a high conflict divorce is a common occurrence. What drives the resentment? It is typically what is happening in the bedroom or what is happening in the kitchen with chores. A lot of times we see these domains of marriage that didn’t seem that important or we took for granted in the beginning turn out to be the reason for a high conflict, contentious divorce.

Life Coaching and Therapy owner, Amanda Pasciucco, PhD, LMFT, CST was featured in Douglas Family Law Group’s webinar “Decreasing Resentment in High Conflict Divorce.” Elizabeth A. Douglas Esquire, Founder and CEO of Douglas Family Law Group was co-presenter.

Below are highlights from the presentation and we encourage you to watch this recorded webinar.

It All Starts with Communication

What leads to a divorce typically starts with communication. People end up in a divorce attorney’s office, because there’s been a communication failure. Whether it is financial, sexual, running the household, parenting, whatever it is, there is some issue where there’s a failure to communicate effectively in a way that effects both partners. 

In a high conflict divorce, we really only see our side, but when we got married, we saw the other person’s side as well, and there are so many needs that each one has that they were not able to explain. Where do we learn to communicate? We don’t really learn those basic skills in elementary or middle school, maybe we learn a mechanical type of conversation, but not the type of conversation we need in relationships. Such as, what are my needs? What were the things I thought we were going to have in our marriage that we don’t have, and how can I make requests instead of ultimatums?

There’s a lot of nuance in communication. Communication seems like it ought to come naturally. It ends up being request driven such as “Can you go to the store and pick this up?” It’s not really making requests where we’re being vulnerable and showing our partner what’s under that vulnerability. Sometimes, by the time people get to their therapists or divorce attorney it might be too late.

If you actually get really good at discussing what you want in the bedroom, and you don’t get shy and withdrawn or demanding, you can find the nuance of balance to ask for pleasure, discovery, and curiosity. Those skills are really helpful in every other realm. If partners can notice and execute each other’s pleasure and intimacy needs, it’s going to make everything else like talking about the trash, dishes, co-parenting, money, etc. way easier.

The marriage and relationship is not meeting either person’s need, and no one can communicate on behalf of what they actually need. Something fails in the communication, and at some point, one person, maybe even both, forget what their initial need, desire issue was, because they haven’t really communicated it, and then now because they have chosen not to.

And then sometimes they feel like it’s going to start a war or fight, or if they say something, it’s not going to be acknowledged the way that they want it to be perceived. Maybe their partner doesn’t understand their love language. Now, it slowly builds up even though it could be a failure on their part for not letting their partner know that they were unhappy. It’s like a gradual cancer, this resentment that at some point will make them explode.

Now that doesn’t have to mean it’s a violent explosion or that the explosion comes out in very strong action, exactly. It can be name calling, blaming, tension and sometimes resentment gets weaponized.

In fact, a lot of times when we talk about settlements in divorce and negotiation moving forward somewhere along the line the person forgets the real issue, and their resentment about the unmet needs.

Now it becomes a situation where they can’t be reasonable and can’t see the bigger picture, because they’re so hyper focused. It can be weaponized, but sometimes it can be an innocent feeling, and that resentment has overtaken, because you feel that your need hasn’t been met, you haven’t been heard, or you’ve been so grossly misunderstood that it clouds your judgment from moving forward.

And the goal of divorce attorneys is always to help our clients to move forward and thrive. You’ve got to chip away at what’s causing that resentment and how that resentment might be stopping someone from negotiating an effective settlement. If we’re going to a trial we have to be laser focused on what’s important to prevail at trial, as opposed to bringing that what might have been the initial resentment source, if they even know what it is at that point.

But what started out as innocence can then be misinterpreted by the other person, and then used against the partner.

I love that you’re bringing up the system of it. Especially if there are kids in the house, what’s happening between these two parties has like a ricochet effect. So if there’s sadness, grief, anger, hostility, whatever types of big emotions that people are feeling, it’s through the whole house, and sometimes even people at work or people at school can feel when there’s a divorce or a high conflict separation happening.

 Why are There Communication Breakdowns?

The connection in the beginning is easy, because we have all these hormones and feel good things in our body and brains. As we get towards uncoupling or separating, all of a sudden, our upbringing comes into play. We’re thinking about how we wanted to be courted. We are fantasizing about things we were taught we would get with a fiance, or a spouse. A lot of it comes back to the cultural and family context by which the two parties were raised. Couples didn’t know these things about one another in the first three years of their time together, and then they realize they have mismatches, but before this they we’re skipping along into falling in love.

There is a comfort thing that shows up when you are in the attachment phase. Before you found your differences to be perfect, and now there’s conflict. There’s this fairy tale belief that you’ll find the one person and sometimes we hold on to things that aren’t even that good for us. You need that one perfect person who, without communication, knows exactly what you need, what you like, what you want, and you just see fireworks.

Great relationships and great marriages don’t just happen. It takes work. And a lot of people think that relationships ought to be easy if you’re with the right person. And I would say relationships aren’t even easy when you’re just with yourself, like being an individual itself can be complex. 

But all these things take work, effort, presence. A lot of time people talk about the effort it takes just to be positive and kind, right? The work that it takes when you’re together is different than the work it takes when you’re divorcing, like when you’re divorcing and splitting up, that is a different type of work, but that’s also work, and I’m sure in your practice, also in mine, it’s like, can we get through this without trying to be the only winner. Can we think about the systemic impact that this person used to be your spouse, this is your family. 

Divorce is your opportunity to pivot, reflect and think about what the next chapter looks like. We help guide our clients to think about pivoting. Then that’s why this topic of resentment is so important to bring up, because we’ve got to combat, even from a legal perspective, how resentment influences or gets in the way.

What is Resentment?

Resentment arises when we feel wronged, when we feel there’s unfair treatment or we’ve over given. Resentment doesn’t arise ever when we feel things are fair and equitable.

So resentment is a defensive reaction to protect ourselves, and it impacts us emotionally. But in the case of separation and divorce, resentment is common, it’s normal. All of a sudden, your world’s about to change. And resentment comes up in different ways. It comes up as using sarcasm with your soon to be ex. It comes up as screaming. These are normal behaviors. Don’t beat yourself up about any of this.  

Questions from Our Webinar Attendees:

How Can You Be Mentally Strong to Overcome Resentment?

Go into your body, check on your breathing. Am I breathing shallow, or am I breathing fully? Are my hands like fists, while I’m just at rest? I like to start with the body and work from what am I feeling in terms of weight, temperature, tension, and then go from there. Go from the body up instead of going from my thoughts down. For example, if I feel like I’m really cold, what does that mean? That might mean that I’m feeling defensive, and I want want to put boundaries up. If I’m noticing that I’m feeling scared, I might want to go out and get support from a friend. Notice what your body is feeling, and then what you can do to change the state of that to override the emotions that come up with resentment.

Resentment is a blanket term. Think of it as like an umbrella, and there’s a bunch of emotions under this umbrella of resentment. We have to understand what they are, because each emotion is going to want a different thing from your body. So if you’re hostile, that might look like I need to sing or meditate or do yoga, and for someone else, hostility might lead you to go to kickboxing. For someone else, that might be I need to take a nap. Why are we doing this? Because now we are not focusing our life on our soon to be ex. We’re focusing on ourselves. We’re learning that our mind, thoughts and our body belong to us.  This step helps people be mentally strong, because they’re strong in their own body, and then they’re strong in their actions. And when you’re strong and taking action, you actually feel more confident than when you don’t do anything. Ask yourself what do I need right now to move on to that next chapter of life in a way that feels more useful. 

How do you balance good sex with a narcissist?

It depends on where you value sex. I have a PhD in sexology. Sex is very important to me, but what’s more important is my value of inner peace. Being with someone who’s high on the narcissism spectrum, is not having much inner peace. I value sexuality very highly, and most of my clients do. That’s why they’re finding me. However, I do not value pleasure higher than my inner peace, but that is different for every person. You may value pleasure more than you need easeful conversation. Living a life that I value makes me mentally strong. I feel proud of myself when I live a life according to my values, not just according to whatever I want in the moment, but according to the things that I say matter. So if sex and romance is your number one, be really proud of that and proud that you chose someone where that gets to happen. There may be some lows and side effects to that, but you are also really fulfilled. I think it’s important to see the nuance and not judge ourselves based on our choices. 

Do you see a difference between contempt and resentment, and if so, do these feelings show themselves at different stages in the divorce process? 

I would say resentment comes first, and contempt is the stronger one. Contempt is the one that some therapists say that’s a deal breaker. Once you got contempt, you’re over. Some therapists would say contempt is one of the deaths of relationships, whereas resentment happens in most. Most have pockets of resentment. So that’s how I see them show up, differently,

Resentment definitely comes first. By the time we get to contempt, that’s where a lot of, in my opinion, meaningful, thoughtful settlements break down, because the person is more focused on the contempt. 

Is there a way to curtail resentment before it happens? Because if you say something in the moment, does that get rid of the resentment, or do we become resentful?

For me, saying something in the moment feels good for 20 seconds, and then I’m like, wow, I could have said that better. I paid a lot of money in school to learn to speak more eloquently than that. So for me, it only lasts very short term. Reducing resentment beforehand depends. Are you getting served papers that you knew of, or are you getting divorce papers without any idea? If you have some warning that separation might be on the table, that you can prevent resentment. I’ve have never seen someone be resentment free in a situation where they were blindsided. But it’s important to note that the person who initiates the divorce, had a period of resentment too. It’s just earlier on. 

It is important to acknowledge that you have emotional pain. I would probably not go to our friends or family right away. I would journal first so that I can validate my own feelings and then see my therapist. 

Make Amends

If you want to make amends, there’s a process to that, and it’s more than just I’m sorry, it’s I’m sorry I was wrong. What can I do to make it right? I don’t expect you to trust me, but I’m going to work at this. Being someone that you can trust to co-parent, or being someone you can trust to pay alimony. 

Two of my favorite words are acknowledgement and accountability. I don’t believe you can truly make amends if you cannot acknowledge what’s happened, even if you don’t agree, because the other person is telling you how they feel. So acknowledge what’s happening, what your behavior has done, and then take accountability for that. That typically is what helps from the divorce standpoint to finalize the settlements, or even to get through a trial. It definitely alleviates feelings of resentment, because there’s been some acknowledgement and accountability.

Redefine Your Next Chapters in Life

New York and Connecticut are No Fault states. You don’t need permission from your partner to get a divorce. Only one of you needs to want it. When you think about your pivot and re-envision that, we’re not a couple anymore, whether you wanted it or not. So what does life look like not being a couple? How do I get myself out of this in the most impactful and positive way so I can thrive the rest of my life?

For more on High Conflict Divorce – Decreasing Resentment we encourage you to watch this recorded webinar.