When to Unleash Your Inner Control Freak

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When to Unleash Your Inner Control Freak…And When to Keep It in Check

 

Society tells us that being a control freak is a bad thing. It’s almost exclusively used as a pejorative, a way to describe someone who’s overbearing and micromanages others. We should all agree that maintaining control is an important social behavior, but when does it cross the link into “control freak” mode?

Like most things in life, context is important when we talk about being a control freak. There are some things, like trying to control the actions and feelings of others that are usually unproductive. Attempts at controlling others often lead to conflict isn’t sustainable long-term.

Being in control, though, of your feelings, emotions, and behaviors, however, is something that we should all be serious about. Hell yes, we should manage our affairs to create the life we want, and if that means being a control freak, then so be it!

There are certain things all of us can control that will have an immediate positive impact on our lives and in relationships. Maybe it’s time we took a look at the word “control freak” and how we feel about it.

 

Control When More Than One Person is Involved

Control becomes more complicated when dealing with intimate relationships. What happens if what you want collides directly with what your partner wants? 

Let’s say, for example, your partner wants to experiment with some light bondage play yet you don’t quite feel comfortable yet. What then?

First, let me say that our safety is something that we should always guard fiercely. Control your ability to stay safe whether it be from emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. 

There should be no accommodations when it comes to your emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental well-being.

At times, though, letting control go of other things must be done for the benefit of the relationship.

Don’t confuse the right to consent with having sex because your partner is horny on a weeknight.

We all need to work on gaining perspective over what our long-term and most important priorities are and focus on controlling what we can around those.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

sex counseling

Trauma Focused Therapy

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Trauma Focused Therapy

 

Trauma focused therapy is therapy that focuses on helping clients/patients heal from various events that have happened in their life. Trauma focused therapy does not mean just “talking” about trauma. There are a variety of modalities that are evidenced based that have been shown to help people heal from trauma.

Oftentimes, I have clients ask me, “what steps should I take in healing from trauma?“ “How can I find a therapist that can help me with trauma?” “I don’t want to feel this way anymore, what do I do?”

 

Find Trauma-informed Healthcare Providers

What does it mean to have a trauma-informed therapist? A trauma informed therapist or health care provider focuses on providing choice, asking for consent, and the language used on forms and within sessions. Health care providers that are trauma informed show ways that they are mindful of how trauma may be impacting the individual in their relationships and other various contexts.

Trauma informed health care providers are vital to the health care system because for those who have experienced trauma it is 100% necessary for individuals to be finding providers who are trauma informed. This allows for collaboration and self-advocacy, which is important to people who have experienced trauma.

 

Ask Them About Therapy Models

Therapists who are trauma-informed may also be trained in a variety of models to support people who have experienced. At Life Coaching and Therapy, here are some of the models we use to help with trauma. We use a variety of Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or TFCBT, EMDR, Parts Theory or “The Inner Aspects” Model! 

In the next week blog, we will explain what we actually do in each of these therapy models! 

At LCAT we are happy to help and many of us specialize in working in trauma. If you have any questions please contact us!

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Trauma in Children

Secrets to Noticing Trauma in Children

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Secrets to Noticing Trauma in Children

 

Trauma in children can be difficult to understand and recognize. 

Children do not have the language to identify what is wrong or if they are experiencing trauma. 

As parents, caregivers, professionals, and adults, it is important to be mindful of various signs that COULD mean a child is experienced trauma.

One of the first ways to notice trauma in children is to look for somatic symptoms. 

Often times, children express issues in their mental health through various physiological symptoms such as headaches, stomach pains, constipation, and even issues with skin.. 

To be clear, if your child has a stomach ache, it does not mean they have experienced trauma. 

If your child is experiencing stomach aches regularly, notice these consistent issues in your child and speak with a medical doctor and mental health therapist to assess for signs of psychological distress.

Trauma in ChildrenOther physical signs of abuse may be more obvious such as bruising, cuts, bleeding, avoidance of physical touch, or avoidance of being touched in certain areas, avoidance of eye contact, or bleeding from genitals (not related to menstruation). 

Children may also demonstrate various behaviors that can indicate some level of emotional distress due to trauma or adverse childhood experiences. Skin picking, hair pulling, over eating, restricting food, sexualize behaviors (not age appropriate… please consult with someone as to what is and is not age appropriate), self injury, avoidance of people or places suddenly and consistently, intense bursts of emotion, frequent nightmares, jumpiness, fear for personal safety, truancy, mutism, and frequent levels of negative self talk.

Trauma in childhood is also seen in their attachment to their caregivers. The behaviors and symptoms described above can be physiological or behavioral manifestations. Other attachment wounds can look like fear and/or confusion around various attachment figures in their life. Significant changes in their attachment to others can also be an indicator. 

Trauma in Children

To be clear, any of these symptoms can be typical in children. Its when you notice clusters of them or frequency of these symptoms that should be cause for concern. Patterns of these behaviors usually indicate some level of emotional distress, if not trauma. Also, the context of what is age and stage appropriate is vital. So if a teenager is avoiding their parent, there is high likelihood that may be a normative behavior for developmental level. It’s important as your child(ren) grow that you learn what is and is not appropriate behavior. At the end of the day, YOU know your child best.

Another important aspect to remember in working with children is that if a child does report abuse or trauma, the likelihood they are lying is fairly low. Of course there are situations where that is the case, but the statistics do show that when kids share that something has happened to them, it usually has. So if your kid has trusted you enough to share with them, please take it seriously. Because it is serious!

 

Long Term Effects of Trauma in Children

There are long term impacts of childhood trauma. Untreated or unaddressed childhood trauma can lead to serious mental health issues over time and in adulthood as well as issues in future relationships. These impacts can be with physical health, relationships, sexual intimacy, parenting, etc. 

In many ways childhood trauma or “Adverse Childhood Experiences” have a long term impact in our world. There has been much research done to show how these experiences can shape a persons life and impact their health and whole being. Untreated trauma is an epidemic in my opinion. Engaging with children, caregivers, and families in addressing these issues as early as possible or to preventative work could have major change in our world and future generations.

For more information on childhood trauma, feel free to look into the research done around “Adverse Childhood Experiences” or ACES to learn more about the impacts about childhood trauma and what to look for. If you are unsure of what may or may not be occuring within a child’s life, support the child and/or family in engaging in therapy to learn more. At LCAT we can help!

 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Trauma Symptoms

Hazard Warning! Identifying Trauma Symptoms

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Hazard Warning! Identifying Trauma Symptoms

 

Those who experience trauma sometimes have trauma symptoms they are unaware of. 

 

Risk Factors for Trauma Symptoms

Some general risk factors that can increase someone’s likelihood of experiencing trauma symptoms are: 

  • Marginalization and/or institutional “isms” as that creates circumstances that are more challenging 
  • History of trauma within the family
  • Living in an unsafe environment (emotional and/or physical)
  • Difficult family relationships
  • One or multiple disrupted attachments in childhood
  • Temperament
  • Personality
  • Stress level
  • “ACES” (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

These are just some and there are certainly more to consider. 

When you know that someone is having intellectual and emotional responses to threatening or disturbing events, and struggling with their ability to cope in their current life experience, you may want to consider that they are experiencing trauma symptoms. 

Trauma can show up differently for different people; however, there are SOME things to notice or be mindful of in yourself or in others as trauma symptoms:

  • Feeling irritated, angry, or on edge
  • Being jumpy
  • Being paranoid or hypervigilant
  • Frequent fear of personal safety
  • Feeling depressed, powerless, hopeless, or helpless
  • Having nightmares or changes in sleep patterns
  • Re-experiencing an event or feeling (almost like deja-vu)
  • Dissociating or disconnection from reality or your body (feeling like you are watching yourself)
  • Difficulty trusting
  • Engaging in the same pattern of behaviors over and over again
  • Intrusive thoughts and difficulty letting thoughts go
  • Difficulty in relationships
  • High levels of reactivity
  • Avoidance of anything that reminds the individual about their trauma
  • Being frozen

These are some of the more common trauma symptoms and can be seen to meet clinical diagnostic criteria by a trained (and preferably licensed) mental health professional. 

HOWEVER, it is important to note that one of these does not necessarily mean that you have experienced trauma. 

Having several trauma symptoms on this list indicates that you may have experienced some trauma. As you can imagine, there is an overlap in various mental health conditions.

 

So What the Heck Do I Do About These Trauma Symptoms? 

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms or have any of these risk factors, you may be feeling stressed. 

Identifying symptoms is often the first step to identifying what we need. Way to go!Trauma Symptoms

This sense of awareness allows us to recognize patterns and work towards healing. 

The next thing I would recommend is find a trauma informed therapist and/or someone who specializes in trauma symptoms.

Trauma-informed care means a therapist who looks through a trauma perspective and can contextualize your experience and think systemically.  

After getting your consent, trauma-informed providers are often able to recognize which factors can be impacting triggers in mental health. 

Other than identifying symptoms, taking accountability for how your trauma(s) has impacted your life, or your relationships, can be another part of helping empowering yourself.

Engaging in trauma work with a therapist. 

There are a variety of ways to do trauma work, but it can be very useful to do therapy specifically geared towards trauma such as Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Inner Aspects Model, mindfulness practice, and other models.

Trauma work is exactly that. It is WORK. So be ready to dive into doing some real emotional, cognitive, and somatic work. My colleague, Amanda, always says “trauma is in the body. Healing has to take place in the body.” Basically, you have to do somatic work for trauma work to be effective long term. 

Trauma Symptoms

Outside of some therapy models, some somatic work to consider is yoga, meditation, acupuncture, massage, chiropractic care, reiki, and osteopathic care.There are many more options to be considered!

If you are in a relationship and your trauma is showing up there. It is vital that trauma is addressed together. Trauma is relational, therefore it can be vital to your individual health as well as your relational health. Healing happens in the body and in our attachment to others.

Consider joining our staff at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC (LCAT), we specialize in the body, trauma, and relationships!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Trauma Meaning

What is Trauma? Introducing the Trauma Meaning

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What is Trauma? Introducing the Trauma Meaning.

There is so much debate as to what to include and exclude in the trauma meaning. 

Trauma. Ugh.

Throughout history, the trauma meaning specifically centered around serving those in the armed services, firefighters, war veterans, police officers, and first responders experiencing symptoms after exposure to one event.

The natural progression for trauma connected to symptoms after one event began to expand and connect to those individuals who have experienced physical abuse, domestic violence, and / or sexual violence. 

Those individuals who are exposed to a threatening or disturbing event or series of events that have lasting distressing mental or emotional responses, causing the individual to feel overwhelmed in their ability to cope and integrate into their current life experience is what we define as the most broad “trauma meaning.” 

trauma meaning

This quickly didn’t serve individuals experiencing trauma though, because more seemed to be happening. Why was it that two people who experienced the same event could each process this event differently – where one may have experienced it as a trauma, the other may not.

After 10 years of being a trauma therapist, I realize the massive amounts of individuals experiencing varying levels of trauma that this PTSD trauma meaning has left out.  

Trauma as only from the perspective of the individual is not an trauma-focused approach to therapy. 

We must consider the effects that come from our societal beliefs, systemic impacts, and cultural constructs, so you can begin to notice what I see becoming a public health issue. 

 

The Progression of Our Understanding of Trauma

Initially, the definition focused on the individual and how the individual experienced the traumatic event. Similarly, the trauma meaning had to do with a specific event or events (like those listed above).

Massive research has been under way for the last fifty or so years, identifying that symptoms related to trauma is more about the way our brain responds to various events or experiences over time.

These experiences shape individuals and families and can reverberate through the family system into other relationships throughout the course of people’s lives, even if they were not direct experiencers of the trauma. 

Trauma effects are intergenerational. 

These dynamics can unconsciously continue from generation to generation, until one or more people decide to make the change. 

We now are able to see that trauma is relational, it does not exist in a vacuum affecting only one person. The trauma meaning has to include the ripple effect across that individual’s world. 

In my practice, I see that the massive impact of trauma on individuals, families, friendships, and their romantic relationships. 

Confronting these realities and having insight to them allows for opportunities for growth and healing. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

NEDA Week

NEDA Week for Those Recovering from Disastrous Eating Disorders

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NEDA Week for Those Recovering from Disastrous Eating Disorders

NEDA week is a special time of year where we come together to honor those who are struggling with eating disorders. 

I began heavily working in the eating disorder field in 2013. Soon enough, I would come to learn what it looks like to fight every day, with challenges are struggles. 

Eating disorders are a serious affliction affecting at least 11 million Americans, and probably more.

Eating disorders are when you have an unhealthy relationship with food that becomes priority over your relationship with others. NEDA week is a time where working in a Partial Hospitalization Program, we would “let loose” and fight back with rituals instead of CBT and DBT.

I will never forget smashing scales with a group of those recovering from their illness. I remember hearing clients say that “NEDA Week gives hope!” 

There are different forms of eating disorders that involve fasting, restricting calories, binge eating. Use of laxatives, over-exercising, and / or purging. 

People struggling with eating disorders might have a fear of being overweight, be obsessed with something in particular with their food, or have unrealistic expectations about how their body ought to look. 

Whether you are struggling with restriction of calories, purging or excessive exercise, or binging, it is time to gain control of your life again and celebrate with us during NEDA week. 

We want you to love the person you see in the mirror!

NEDA Week

 

Our Favorite Exercises: 

  • Cover 60% of your mirrors with things that make you smile 
  • Unfollow EVERY single account that has messages that encourage disordered behaviors
  • Pick one part of your body that you don’t mind. Write yourself a love letter as if you were an admirer!
  • Draw a family tree and track all the people in your life that had negative beliefs about food and body image. Learn to challenge those beliefs! NEDA Week

 

 

 

 

Body Image Therapy: Learn to Love Your Look

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

How the Other Woman Feels When It’s Over!

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How the Other Woman Feels When It’s Over!

 

How does the other woman feel when they’re caught up in an affair? Most of the time, they get overlooked or accused of wrecking what was a healthy marriage or partnership. That, though, isn’t always true.

When affairs happen, it’s easy to throw around absolutes over who was wrong and why things went down the way they did. Emotions run hot in relationships anyway. Add infidelity to the mix and things can get explosive.

Just as is the case in steady relationships, affairs happen on a spectrum. Some people get involved in affairs because of nefarious reasons. They love the thrill of cheating or are too cowardly. They can’t be honest with their spouse or partner. The cheating partner knows they’re doing something awful, but their ego overpowers their sense of morality.

Affairs aren’t always evil, as weird as that sounds. Going around your partner’s back for sex, connection, touch, or any other reason is never good, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we can empathize why it happens. Throw in children, financial responsibilities, religious conviction, and societal pressure into the mix, and it’s possible to understand why it happens.

 

Our Yearning for Connection

“How could she? She knew he was married! She’s a homewrecker.” The other woman always catches a ton of heat when affairs go down.

It’s easy to demonize the other woman. After all, why would any woman want to be with someone who is living a double life? It must be that their intentions are bad, because, why would they ever agree to be with someone they know is unable to fully commit?

Understand, too, that people who drive themselves into affairs are often master manipulators. They use guilt, flattery, humor, or whatever else it takes to capitalize on a woman’s weakness. Remember, people who take no thought of how infidelity will affect their faithful partner aren’t usually worried about a little emotional manipulation to get what they want.

 

The Other Woman and Her Six Human Needs

For decades, psychologists have preached about Maslow’s needs and how survival, safety, love, belonging, esteem, and self-realization drive everything we do. The motivations on why anyone, including the other woman, enters into an affair is no exception.

Other women have affairs because they want safety knowing exactly what their relationship is. They like knowing that whatever this “relationship” is, it can only go so far because he or she has someone waiting for them at home.

 

They enjoy the casualness of the affair because it gives them a bit of belonging but doesn’t get in the way of their journey towards self-realization.

 

Sometimes Affairs Fill a Need

 

Perhaps the person having an affair who they’re involved with offers them the companionship they’re seeking but unable to get elsewhere. Maybe the sex is great. Other times, an affair offers her a transactional human connection that doesn’t encroach on other parts of her life like a career, education, or some other form of personal development.

In our experience, women get caught up in affairs for several reasons. If you’ve had an affair before, you know that it doesn’t start with any sort of desire to destroy someone else’s life.

Usually, women accept the constraints of living in an affair because what they’re getting is filling a gaping need, even if what they’re receiving is shallow.

That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable, but knowing affairs happen for many reasons can help us be more fully aware of what it takes to sustain a loving, fulfilling relationship.

 

What It’s Like for the Other Woman

The other woman is an interesting role. It’s a role that doesn’t get a lot of attention because it goes against the popular narrative that women generally seek emotional connections before physical ones.

If that was the case, though, affairs would never happen because the other woman is often short changed when it comes to time and affection from the person they’re sleeping with.

It’s true, some women find themselves in affairs at low points in their lives when they’re willing to accept less than they deserve. That’s not always the case though. Some women love the thrill of flirting with danger, of tasting the forbidden fruit, being a little naughty.

After all, if the feeling is mutual with someone, you’re super attracted to, it’s very tempting. You get to go home by yourself without all the obligations and emotional baggage of a committed relationship. Your life is still very much yours. It can be pretty appealing for some people.

 

Dwindling Taboos Make Affairs Easier

It’s important to understand as well that life is different these days. The hookup culture that most of us have grown up with has meant fewer people are settling down. More people are ok with a bit of sex and personal connection without it overwhelming our lives.

The other woman is often someone who wants to have good sex, go out to a nice place on occasion, and have some fun without it getting in the way of their personal goals. Whether or not the person they’re sleeping with is having an affair is no business of theirs.

 

Lingering Hopes They’ll Change

A lot of other women get caught up waiting. They wait endlessly the person they’re involved with promises over and over again that they’re leaving their partner behind to be with them. When the promised deadline passes, they get a gift, an apology, and another promise it’ll happen soon.

When real feelings are involved, it’s easy for the other woman to view the spouse at home or wherever they are as the bad one. They’re abusive, manipulating, or holding the kids as leverage. All they have to do, they think, is wait for her out and the new couple can make a happy life together.

Realize, as well, that not all other women even know about the committed relationship their partner is in. Plenty of women have been lied to while the person they’re seeing is living a double life. All along they thought they just had to travel for work a bunch. There are, however, things you can do to spot an affair.

 

When It Ends

Just like normal relationships, affairs can end messily or amicably. It’s common for the other woman to feel a sense of relief after an affair. The longer the affair goes on, the heavier the emotional burden can get. Not having to worry about getting caught, when you can call, and all the other ‘rules’ in an affair can be freeing.

Perhaps the best lesson from non-consensual affairs we can take is that they help us better understand what we crave and what it takes to find something fulfilling.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.