Couple Fighting: Stop Arguing and Start Loving

November 18, 2019/in Couples, Relationship Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Couple Fighting: Stop Arguing and Start Loving

Couple Fighting! Tips to Stop Arguing and Start Loving TODAY!

Far too often, we let our romantic relationships deteriorate to the point where it’s so hard to claw back the pain and resentment that’s been left to fester.

Couple fighting becomes a classic Western shootout.

Both of you are standing on either side, tense and ready to grab at your weapon.

You wait for your partner to flinch before you unleash all of your hurt and anger in their direction.

Of course, we know, it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s hard, though, to see through the fog of anger and give love when we’re not sure we’re going to get it in return. How do we get from where we are to a better place with less couple fighting?

First off, let me commend you for considering couples therapy. If you’re already taking sessions, wonderful. That’s even better. But recognizing that you need help with your relationships is a brave and honorable thing.

The Silence Surrounding Unmet Needs

Couple fighting can almost always be drawn back to unmet needs. Each of us, though wonderfully unique, has needs that must be filled for us to feel confident, loved, and engaged in a relationship.

It’s been decades since Gary Chapman first presented his five love languages. They are:

Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts

These aren’t just simple niceties. They’re fundamental to our happiness. Denying we have needs is denying who we are, eventually, you’re going to have to face that reality.

When your needs are met, life is better. Everything seems easier. You’re not worried about doing the dishes three times in a row if you love language is physical touch and the sex is great. Your partner is happy to let your work long hours at the job you love because you give them the affirmation they crave.

The problems most people have that lead to couple fighting have to do with unmet needs that go unaddressed for too long. Silence allows resentment, the relationship destroyer, space to move in.

Overcoming Resentment by Quieting the Ego

When the couple fighting has been going on too long, motivations change. You’re no longer giving acts of service out of love; you’re doing them to see if they’ll earn you the quality time or gifts that you crave for validation. If they don’t come, we tell ourselves that we were right all along, it’s their fault things are bad. We’re doing our part, aren’t we?

Each feeling is driven by some innate need. We act out of a desire to connect, grow, contribute to a cause, or to gain certainty. When relationships stumble, uncertainty plays an outsized role in our communication. We overanalyze our partners’ and our actions, questioning why they said what they said or what will happen if I do this or that.

Our desire to create certainty can be destructive. It’s easy to draw into ourselves and shut others out to create some semblance of certainty in our lives.

The only way to fight back resentment in a relationship and create certainty is to quiet the ego and act out of love.

That, however, is very hard to do, especially when you feel like working on your relationship is a one-way street.

That’s where working with a therapist who specializes in relationship communication can help.

Setting Conditions for Nonviolent Communication

To overcome couple fighting, working with a therapist can be a huge help identifying damaging patterns in your communication with each other. Indeed, when relationships turn sour, the way we communicate becomes tainted with venom.

Our lack of certainty leads to hurt, and we become desperate that our partner understands that hurt. Too often, we try to get them to understand by doling out the same hurt we’re harboring inside through violent communication.

One of the biggest benefits of seeing a relationship therapist is that they can offer third-party insight into how the two of you are communicating. You can identify unhealthy patterns and start shifting to a better form of nonviolent communication.

In Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, he lays out the steps for developing nonviolent communication. They are:

State Observations – It’s very important that you’re honest with your partner and yourself about why you say and nonverbally communicate the way you do. Understanding why you are behaving or speaking the way you do will help you avoid saying something inflammatory or hurtful.
State Feelings – We must emphasize that putting words to feelings is the only way for resentment to subside. If you know that something you’re doing is hurting your partner, you’ll find ways to stop doing it if you love them and want to connect.
State the Need – Frequently, we’re embarrassed or afraid of being vulnerable, so we don’t verbalize our needs. How can our partners know how to fill our needs if we aren’t explicit in what they are?
Be Specific – Don’t rely on innuendo to build a healthy, loving relationship. Have the confidence to be direct in you what you want and instill confidence in your partner to do the same. Less misunderstanding will mean less resentment.

Nonviolent communication is so critical to fighting back resentment. It’s the best way to break negative cycles and start building on common ground.

Decide to Make Room for Love

When we communicate without fear or uncertainty, we open ourselves up to giving and receiving love. Think about the times in your life when you’ve felt deeply loved. You weren’t worried about the other person’s judgment or concerned about how they slighted you yesterday. You were open, wonderfully vulnerable, and certain in the moment.

Each of us has challenges in our romantic relationships. At times, resentment and communication barriers trigger couple fighting that can threaten to destroy foundations that took years to build.

With the help of a qualified, understanding therapist, struggling relationships can thrive again. Armed with nonviolent communication skills, clear about our needs, and doing our best to push ego and resentment to the side, we can rebuild and reclaim love.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Anal Sex For Penetration

November 8, 2019/in Relationship Tips, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Anal Sex For Penetration

You can find Part One of our Two-Part Anal Sex Series here! In part one you will learn about:

Key Definitions
Preparation You Can Do on Your Own
Exercises

Please be mindful that I am not a physician and these are just suggestions. Consult with a physician before trying!

Try this on your own and begin your own exploration of anal receiving. Do not try anal penetration with someone else first. You should be comfortable with your own body enough to know its signals so you will be ready when you are with someone else.

Anal Sex Preparation Exercise

Apply firm inward pressure with your finger against your anus, but do NOT penetrate the opening!

Keep your finger tip pressed firmly against your anus and give a BRIEF GENTLE “push out” for 1 second, then stop.

It is important that it be GENTLE and BRIEF when you “push out.”

Keep your middle finger pressed firmly against the center of your anus. You will feel your sphincters change shape when you “push.”

This is the voluntary ability you can apply to opening your anus.

You will also feel your anus clinch up after you stop “pushing out.”

Continue to “push out” for one second at a time, then rub your finger in a circle around your anus and return to the middle of the hole before “pushing out” again.

Do this for 10 minutes, but do not penetrate.

Pay close attention to the way your anal sphincters change shape in relation to your “pushing out” and how your anus begins to slightly open when you do.

It may feel odd at first to “push,” since you are used to only using this muscle action when expelling waste. It takes a moment or two before you are fully at ease with doing this under conditions not associated with defecation.

However, it’s this physical action, the opening of your sphincter, which you’re trying to gain better control of for anal sex and anal penetration!

If you clean yourself out properly before performing this exercise, you’ll be empty and shouldn’t worry about a mess. If you’re concerned, try to use the bathroom one more time.

After 10 minutes of short and gentle “pushing” motions, you may have a sense of control over your anus and it’s now time to penetrate with a finger.

Deeper Anal Sex Penetration Exercise

Lubricate your gloved finger again and place it directly over the anus.

Apply slightly firmer pressure with your finger this time and give a gentle “push out” as you slide your finger into your anus.

Keep “pushing out” as your finger slides into your anus. Once your finger passes through the sphincters as deeply as you can get it, stop “pushing out.”

You will feel your anus grip down on your finger when you relax and stop “pushing.”

If you “push out” again with your finger inside you, you’ll feel your anus loosen its grip around your finger.

GO SLOW!

Anal Sex Penetration

You can gently massage your finger into the anus by wiggling it back and forth as you push it in.

Take time to feel inside and explore your sphincters.

Curve your finger in a hook shape and you’ll feel your sphincters from the inside.

At this point, your finger tip will be inside your rectum, which is beyond the anus.

Note the sensation of gentle penetration your anus feels in relationship to the squeezing sensation on your finger.

Pay attention to the control you have over your sphincters when you “push out” versus when you relax.

IMPORTANT! Anytime you slide your finger into or out of your anus, you should “push out” to open the sphincters. This will facilitate the least resistance during insertion or withdrawal of anything that penetrates your anus.

Remove your finger and repeat this penetration exercise for another 10 minutes.

This exercise can help you gain better control of your anus, which is the first step in learning to enjoy smooth and pleasant anal penetration!

Thank you Fetlife Educator @HoleTrainer for your contribution to this piece and your wisdom. I am grateful that I was able to site your knowledge on this type of sex act!

Anal Sex with a Partner

Begin to do anal prepping for penetration together! This could be something you do with a partner to build up the mood and be part of the scene.

When you are done prepping for hygiene, make sure you use fingers or a sex toy to prep the anus for penetration.

It would be best if you used a toy that is similar in diameter to the penis that will be doing the penetration.

Because the anus doesn’t lubricate like the vagina, use a bunch of lube – you will not regret it. Just like with vaginal sex, condoms are recommended.

Prepare mentally: Make sure there is no time rush on your sexual encounter. Anal sex may take longer than regular sex, so it is best to begin by going slowly.

Again, make sure you have plenty of lubricant.

As the receiver of anal sex, you need to learn how to relax the muscles in the anus to enjoy the sensations.

The anus has two sets of sphincter muscles. Sometimes it is easier to relax the first set.

When you push something into the anus, you need to be able to relax both sets of muscles or else you can encounter problems.

Most people can relax the first set of muscles, and then when something gets inserted, the receiver will tense up and resist, preventing any further penetration.

Hence why all the training in the beginning of this blog!

At this point your partner may continue to force the object (be it a penis or a sex toy) into the anus.

I recommend that you do not force anything into the anus, but instead take time and use patience while allowing the second set of sphincter muscles to relax as you become more comfortable.

Make sure that you pick a position that is comfortable in which you can control the speed on the penetration the first time you engage in anal sex.

The spooning position and female on top helps the woman control the action. Missionary and doggie style sex work as well, yet some people report that these positions feel too aggressive.

When you have anal sex, and it feels good, make sure you are vocal about what is enjoyable and what is too much. Tell your partner if they ought to go slower or change the pressure.

After anal sex is complete, it is important to discuss what went well and what didn’t. Spend extra time with one another to discuss the differences of anal sex instead of oral or genital penetration.

There should not be any pain after anal sex if you have prepared and taken time to do it carefully.

It is important to penetrate with condoms on until you are more advanced, because the condom with lube provides an easier insertion than a penis with no condom. There is a chance of infection without condoms as well, just like with any type of penetrative sex.

When having anal sex, you must not go from the anus to the vaginal hole without changing up condoms or washing hands.

Make sure that any penetration objects (finger, toy, penis) that go near the anus do not then go near the vagina. This can cause infections.

If you penetrate the anus with a penis or a toy that is the same width as average stool, there should not be any problems. If you have pain after penetrative anal sex or have problems with stool, please see a physician.

Anal sex is more common than you think and doctors hear about it often.

If you are comfortable with your physician, you can always ask them ahead of time the most safe way to practice penetrative anal sex, since your physician knows your physical health more than we could!

You can get more content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Anal Sex For Beginniners

November 4, 2019/in Relationship Tips, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Anal Sex For Beginniners

Have you ever had anal sex?

Whether you have or haven’t, there is something novel, uncommon, and special in the supposed rarity of anal sex.

Many people publicly scoff at the idea of anal sex.

Yet you would be surprised at how many times it comes up in my therapeutic sessions, because people are doing it incorrectly.

Anal sex can be pleasurable if you decide this is something you want to do, but it can be a horrible experience if you go into it as you would vaginal intercourse.

The following should help you decide to engage in anal sex!

No matter what your sexual identity, all people are interested in receiving anal sex or anal play from what I have seen. Even straight men.

Must-Know Terms for Anal Sex Beginners:

ANUS – The posterior opening at the end of the digestive tract that is a canal from which solid waste is eliminated. Also known as the asshole! The anus does not self-lubricate.
COLON – the canal that removes water from digested food and sends solid waste to the rectum.
COLORECTAL – Having to do with the entire large intestine.
EXTERNAL ANAL SPHINCTER (EAS) – The “pushing out” process. The muscle you tighten when “holding in gas”. It is a voluntary fibrous muscle forming a ring around the anus.
INTERNAL ANAL SPHINCTER (IAS) – An involuntary smooth muscle forming a ring around the anus which you don’t control. The urgent sensation of having to move your bowels is what you feel when this involuntary muscle is relaxing or about to relax.
INTESTINAL EPITHELIUM – A thin layer of specialized cells lining the intestines.
PERISTALSIS – A ripple like contraction of muscles in the digestive system which moves food through the stomach and intestines, eventually expelling it via the anus as solid waste.
RECTUM – The final 6-8 inches of the large intestine leading to the anus. Solid waste builds up here before exiting through the anus.

Did you know what all of these meant?

If you are still with me, congratulations! Now, we dive into the psychology of why people are biased towards anal sex. If you are like me, you have heard tons of horror stories, and I believe that these bad experiences are the reason most people aren’t interested in trying again.

If there are stories that are preventing you from having fun with it, it may be worth talking to someone about these barriers.

Barriers to Anal Sex after a “Bad” Experience

I have met a ton of people, clients and friends who have suffered from bad experiences with anal penetration; therefore, they developed a strong aversion.

While most tolerate unpleasant anal penetration the first time, because they don’t “know any better,” they usually end up “hating” anal play forever.

If you have received (or given) anal sex, and you (or your partner) experienced constipation, discomfort, an unpleasant odor or mess, bleeding or injury, you were with someone who had no idea what they were doing.

Avoiding A Messy Anal Sex Experience:

This is all a prep!

IN GENERAL, cleaning your colon is important too, so having a diet high in raw vegetable fiber helps!
Give yourself time to clean out! Focus on having a clean rectum for anal play. Buy a Liquid Glycerin Suppository at a pharmacy or on Amazon. The glycerol will induce peristalsis and force a bowel movement.
After this, give yourself even more time! A series of enemas will complete the cleansing process. Three isotonic saline enemas (these have a salt concentration similar to your blood so you won’t get dehydrated or overhydrated) are often required to get to a clear discharge. I am not a physician or a pro at enimas, so please educate yourself by looking up medical resources before you begin using enemas.
You may need to move your bowels a few times after you’ve expelled the last enema. This is especially true if you take large volume enemas and they penetrate deeply into your transverse or ascending colon. Once you feel like you’ve emptied your bowels sufficiently, take a warm bath and relax or take a long hot shower.

Solo Anal Pleasure

Start with your own exploration of anal receiving. Do not try anal penetration with someone else first. You should be comfortable with your own body enough to know its signals so you will be ready when you are with someone else.

If you aren’t comfortable alone, think about why you are more comfortable with someone else?

Items Needed:

Lubricant
- KY Jelly or something non-allergenic.
- This lubricant is my favorite!
- Nothing with warming or tingling
Get thin, disposable latex gloves (optional)
A towel

Make sure you have at least one hour to explore yourself, and that no one will interrupt you. Please, whatever you do, do not have an appointment or be rushing to go somewhere. Make an afternoon or evening out of it.

Rub your finger in lubricant and slowly move your finger around the outside of the anus.
Make circular motions gently.
Rub up and down with a different intensity.
Don’t penetrate your hole, just rub gently and slowly in circles around the opening of the hole. Keep a clock nearby and do this for 10 minutes.
It may seem like an eternity, but continue for the full 10 minutes. As you do this, build an intimate mental map of where your finger is exploring. Take note in your mind of what you’re anus is feeling in relation to where your finger is. After 10 minutes of feeling around your anus, you’ll begin to work on consciously controlling one of your anal sphincters.

When you have an urge to do more, try to penetrate into the anus and notice the ways in which you feel your body wrap around your own finger.

Penetration is very scary for most and that is why we have a second blog on penetrative anal sex coming out on Friday!

Thank you Fetlife Educator @HoleTrainer for your contribution to this piece and your wisdom. I am grateful that I was able to site your knowledge on this type of sexual act!

If you need help, please don’t let your shame or pride get in the way even though it might be tough!

Let us try and help! You can get more content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Sexual Anxiety in Females and Gendered “Girls” at Birth

November 1, 2019/in Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Sexual Anxiety in Females and Gendered “Girls” at Birth

Sexual anxiety in females and those gendered girls at birth is common.

From the moment women are socialized as a “girl,” her sex organs and her sexual pleasure is treated differently than it is for men

For example…did you know that the external genitalia is called a Vulva?

I didn’t learn the difference until I was in college studying sexuality. Meaning, it seems that Americans are sexually illiterate when it comes to the anatomy of pleasure.

Defining Intimacy

We often talk about intimacy in figurative terms – the sharing of an emotional and spiritual connection. While ex is an intimate physical exchange of the body.

We literally bare ourselves to our partner. All that effort you put into wearing your favorite jeans or a flattering bra goes out the window. You’re there, they’re there, and there’s little in between.

Difficulty Achieving Orgasm

Many people with vaginas have a harder time climaxing sexually than those with penises.

Some things aren’t equal when it comes to sex, and people who struggle to achieve orgasm often feel sexual anxiety.

It can be hard, but it’s also what makes having sex such a unique and dynamic interaction between people. If you’ve dealt with this issue in the past, you’ll understand why.

A lot of sexual partners use orgasm as a sign of satisfaction with their performance. Lack of orgasm can be interpreted as you not being “into it” or that maybe your partner did something wrong.

Most vulva and vagina-bodied people know that’s not the case. However, a lot of times stress over the situation leads them to fake an orgasm. Did you make the right sounds?

Was it convincing? You’re dealing with stress over how your body feels as well as managing the emotional well being of your partner. It’s a lot to deal with, which is why sexual anxiety in females and gendered girls at birth is so common.

What Does Sex Mean?

Many women or trans men struggle with interpreting the significance of sex. This is especially true in the beginning stages of a relationship.

Your sexual relationship certainly means a lot. It can bring you closer together as a couple. On the other hand, sexual incompatibility is real.

If you’re not on the same page and neither of you is willing to compromise, then it could spell long-term discontent in the relationship.

You may have laid in bed after sex wondering what they were thinking. Did they enjoy it? When I did that one thing, did they like it? Overthinking and self-doubt can easily creep in and turn into sexual anxiety.

Being Happy with Your Body

We’ve touched on this a bit with body image among people who identify as men and trans women, but it’s typically magnified in different genders.

There’s so much pressure on having a certain physique that many are driven to eating disorders and other forms of self-harm for looks.

If you struggle with how others perceive your body in the normal course of the day, imagine how someone with body image issues handles being naked in front of someone they care deeply about.

Everyone who has sex or is involved with someone romantically wants to be an object of desire.

It feels wonderful to be wanted, to be desired. You won’t be able to fully appreciate someone else’s love for your body until you can overcome your anxiety about the way you look.

Take A Breath and Enjoy the Ride

We’re all at various stages in our journey of self-acceptance and sexual expression. Sexual anxiety is normal, but if you find yourself wishing you could find a way out of sex, or not having sex at all, then consider counseling to find a way through.

Take a breath and understand that everyone has hang-ups about how they look, how they’re doing and whether they’re able to please their partner. Don’t let it distract you from what’s most important about sex, that it’s fun and pleasurable!

Kegel Exercises

Keeping your pelvic floor strong is important for avoiding any embarrassing accidents and prolapses. It is also critical for a good sex life too!

Vaginas are pretty temperamental and sometimes the vaginal muscles squeeze or spasm when something is entering it. This feeling can range from mildly uncomfortable to painful.

If intercourse has been painful, the pelvic floor muscles, which wrap around the vagina, tighten up and close the vagina protectively.

That could be a good idea initially, but not if the muscles don’t open up again. Sex won’t be fun!

Kegel Exercises are often recommended when seeing a doctor or pelvic floor therapist. Here are some fun activities to try:

To perform Kegel exercises effectively, you’ll need to first identify the right muscles. The easiest way to do this is to stop urination midstream. The muscles that help you do that are the ones used in Kegel exercises.
Contract these muscles as much as possible and hold for a goal of five seconds. Release for five seconds. Repeat.
If you’re just starting, work your way up! Do a 50% squeeze instead of 100% for the first week!
For best results, especially if you have pelvic floor issues, I highly recommend going to a pelvic floor physical therapist. If you live near West Hartford CT, I know the best pelvic floor PT in the state! Feel free to reach out and I will give you the contact info.

There are thousands of therapists who DON’T get it! Usually, our practice is the one people come to after not getting results elsewhere.

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

When Sexual Anxiety Takes Over: What Drives Sexual Inhibition and Stress In Penis-Bodied Humans

October 28, 2019/in Lifestyle, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

When Sexual Anxiety Takes Over: What Drives Sexual Inhibition and Stress in Penis-Bodied Humans

While most of us can be intimidated taking off our clothes during sex, some people state that sexual anxiety takes over and ruins the entire encounter.

There you are, exposing yourself with nowhere to hide.

Some people are so afraid of letting their physical and emotional walls down that it prevents them from enjoying true intimacy. Instead, they’re filled with sexual anxiety that can detract from intimate encounters.

Sexual anxiety can range from mild nervousness about things like body image, to full-blown anxiety attacks that stop people from having sex at all.

Performance Anxiety

A lot of people have anxiety issues around whether they’ll be able to “perform” when called upon. Penises can be a bit unreliable.

If worry over performance continues it can turn into a serious mental block.

For some people, whether they’ll be able to maintain an erection enters their mind the minute there is an attraction with someone else.

Like any anxiety attack, worries over performance build and build until it’s all they can think about.

People with penises also worry about premature ejaculation. It’s more common than you’d think.

According to the Mayo Clinic, 1 out of 3 penis and testicle-bodied humans say they deal with premature ejaculation or have dealt with premature ejaculation in the past.

When there’s so much pressure on being able to please your partner, it’s easy to see why someone who’s had that happen would experience sexual anxiety.

Body Image

While we hate to stereotype, generally speaking, penis and testicle-bodied humans have less trouble looking in the mirror than their vagina-bodied counterparts.

Traditionally, men didn’t have to deal with the same societal pressure placed on other genders by the media and fashion.

However, this has changed with the advent of digital options. The ideal physique is communicated a lot through all types of advertising, social media and even porn.

Penis and testicle-bodied humans, often struggle with sexual anxiety around the size and look of their genitals. Maybe your penis curves or has a slight bend in it.

Perhaps you are concerned about the fact that you are, or aren’t circumcised.

Lack of Experience

This applies to anyone who is seen as the one “in charge.”

In many sexual encounters, many penis-bodied humans FEEL there is an expectation that they ought to take the lead.

That might be ok if you’ve got a lot of sexual experience, but it can trigger sexual anxiety for people who don’t want that type of pressure.

We all worry about, to a varying degree, reading sexual cues or being able to please our partner.

Ways to Help Reduce Sexual Anxiety:

Breathe in and out through your belly. Focus more on your exhales.
Masturbate with a condom on to try a new way of experiencing sensation!
Increase the use of sex toys, such as those that provide clitoral stimulation. This will help take the pressure off your penis and bring excitement to the moment.

You are in charge of your own arousal and your partner is in charge of theirs. Don’t force yourself to be the deliverer of orgasms to your partner, because it is way too much pressure!

What are some other reasons people that may cause sexual anxiety?

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Psychosexual Therapy Exercises You Have Been Waiting For!

October 21, 2019/in Relationship Tips, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Psychosexual Therapy Exercises You Have Been Waiting For!

Come get the psychosexual therapy exercises that have helped people just like you.

Do you have an inner “boss bitch” who hits the streets after your morning coffee or a “nerdy researcher” who uses 15-minute breaks for Instagram motivation?

psychosexual therapy exercises

What about an inner goddess who is desires being served by a forbidden Casanova?

Are you drained by “Mommy-Mode” or working long hours to the point where you have no sex drive for your partner by the end of the day?

You can stop the mundane with some of the best Pyschosexual Therapy Exercises.

Internal Family Systems, Psychodrama, Gestalt Therapy, or Inner Aspects work are some of the most powerful tools to boost your sexual pleasure.

For the following psychosexual therapy exercises, I am identifying “needs” as the universal traits that unite us as human beings. The Tony Robbins model is my favorite, because it is the most effective:

Certainty – structure, ritual, time, planning
Uncertainty – adventure, passion, chaos, spontaneity
Significance – feeling special, being recognized, receiving
Connection – human to human, intimacy, desire for love
Growth – healing, vision, mission, purpose
Contribution – giving, serving, paying it forward

These needs are true of all people!

Inner Aspects Model by Francesca Gentille

The Inner Aspects Model discusses scripts of behavior used to get your internal needs met that YOU now have downloaded into your psyche.

Each moment you are awake, the movements you make, the way you speak, and your emotional responses are ways you have learned to get your internal needs met.

Learning to control your mind by bringing presence to the part of you that is in control in each moment. For example, right now – yes, right now – the version of you that is reading this is possibly the “Stoic Voyeur” while I wrote this post in “Teacher Amanda” mode.

As you speak and make decisions, you are acting from a different PART of you. Think of these parts in terms of gender, age, living being form (human, animal, plant).

When you open your mind to the POSSIBILITY that you can have fun playing this inner parts game, you can reach levels of pleasure that are more fulfilling and not just based on your current mood.

You can consciously choose to AWAKEN every part of your inner mind. You can achieve results by accessing pleasure from simple actions, such as someone blowing against your skin.

Psychosexual Therapy Exercises For Everyone!

Put aside your skepticism for an evening, and come get extraordinary results.

If you implement fun, ritualistic practices of play, I guarantee your intimate life will change.

Look over the Inner Aspects and consider how your inner parts affect your views on pleasure!

Which part of you is saying “yes” to others and saying “no” to yourself? There are inner parts within us that are young and value CONNECTION so we say yes!

You can use the inner aspects model to wake up the sleeping mind – the part of you that is on autopilot.

Sex and relationships are directly connected to how much we can control our mind to understand who is giving, who is receiving, what is our intention, and what we are going to create.

Notice your parts and ask them what they need and then what strategies can be taken to get that need met on their own!

Inner Aspects Game Date Night for Couples – Francesca Gentille’s Method!

Learn to find your runaway bride, inner school girl, seductress siren, or inner rebellious teen!

Identify them all individually first.

Have your partner identify theirs too!

Then write down all the inner aspects you have on small pieces of paper. Fold the paper into pieces and put it in a bag.

Your partner should do the same.

Pro Tip: Agree on a minimum number of inner aspects! HAVE FUN! Be willing to laugh.

If you want different results, you must try something new!

If you are interested in an inner aspects parts sex deck of cards say YES in the comments below!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Get Into the Halloween Spirit with Cosplay Sex

October 17, 2019/in Couples, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Get Into the Halloween Spirit with Cosplay Sex

Even grown ups love dressing up for Halloween, so why not stay in costume for some scintillating cosplay sex after the trick-or-treating is done? Kids get their treats, and grown ups deserve treats as well.

Whether you’re more of a sexy maid or want to channel your inner queen dressed as Khaleesi from Game of Thrones®, Halloween is a great time of year where we can all let loose a bit and have some fun.

It’s also perhaps the perfect segue into bringing dress up and roleplaying into the bedroom.

When we’re in relationships, it’s easy to settle into defined roles. You do the laundry; he does the dishes. He feeds the pets; you make the bed. It’s the same with sex. After a while, you’re in a set rotation of positions like it’s a dinner recipe. A lot of us struggle with how to break out of sexual ruts.

Cosplay sex is fun because it frees us from inhibitions. We dress in costumes that empower us to express ourselves sexually. It becomes a game, so consequences like embarrassment or fear of rejection are less severe. And guess what? Your partner will love it! Here are some tips on how to incorporate a bit of dress up into your sex life.

Take Advantage of Halloween for Cosplay Sex!

Halloween is the best time to add a little spice between the sheets. Chances are you’ll be attending a party in costume with coworkers or friends. You’re in character already, so when you get home, don’t be afraid to tell Iron Man what you’d really like to do to him.

When you’re choosing your costume this year, go for something edgier that will help your partner take the hint. Cosplay sex is all about fantasy, so grab an outfit that fits a sexual role you’ve been wanting to try.

A lot of people who are into cosplay sex love it, because it helps them alter sexual dynamics. Maybe you want to be dominant for a change or to roleplay an innocent person seduced by a police officer. Ever wonder what it would be like to make love to Thor or a vampire?

Check Out Some Cosplay Events

If dressing up seems foreign, you don’t have to look far to see it’s gone mainstream. Every decent-sized town has anime and cosplay events. Fans of superheroes, video games, comic books and movies all dress up and roleplay. There are international events that draw huge crowds with exquisite cosplay costumes.

People don’t just dress up either. They BECOME the person they’re dressed as. They take on their identity, speak like they do, and carry similar emotions. That’s why cosplay sex is so much fun! You and your partner are immersing yourselves into two different characters. It’s sex with someone new, and you’re lying if you don’t think that’s hot.

Do Some Online Research

If you’re curious how dressing up works in the bedroom, just google “Cosplay Sex” and you’ll learn quick!

Also, if you’re wondering if your partner is into it, do me a favor and take a look at the view count on some of the videos. You’ll quickly notice that cosplay sex is very popular online.

Maybe your partner ISN’T into it, but you will definitely not feel alone.

Watching some cosplay sex videos, you’ll see that the awkwardness lasts barely a second. Before you know it, you’ve bought into the roles each partner is playing and the interplay feels natural.

That’s the way it will work at home too. You might feel a little timid calling your partner Batman or whoever, but once you dive in, it’ll be pure FIRE!

Watching videos can be a great inspiration for what kind of costumes and scenarios you’re interested in.

It’s hard to start from scratch, so don’t be afraid to look online for people to copycat at first. Soon enough you’ll be writing your cosplay scripts in your head as you dream up something new for your next cosplay sexual adventure.

Set the Scene for Your Cosplay Adventure!

Don’t just say, “let’s have sex in our costumes”. Dressing up sex is fun, but we’re talking about something different! We’re not saying dressing up isn’t hot. We’re all for lingerie and costumes, but remember, cosplay is about dress AND roleplaying. Dive a bit deeper and see what happens.

A perfect way to transition into cosplay sex is to set the scene. It can be as basic as you, dressed as Mystique from X-men, walk in on Wolverine undressing.

If you want to get a bit more intricate, set up a scenario that starts before you even get home. Get into character early and let the drama of the cosplay build all day until it climaxes.

The first few times you try cosplay sex, you need to show a bit of grit. There will be giggling and one of you will probably break character a few times. Stay true to your role and explore what it can do for your sex life.

As you become more comfortable, you can start to test the boundaries of your sexuality. People who are into cosplay sex regularly experiment by dressing up as someone of different age, race or gender. It’s the ultimate form of expression, because there are no rules.

Take a Chance this Halloween

Pushing Halloween dress up into cosplay sex is so easy! We’re already a little silly, we’ve bought the costumes, and we’re down for some fun. If you’ve always wanted to try a bit of dress up, now’s your chance. Buy something a little naughtier this year and let him know what’s coming. Tell him to up his game as well.

It’s amazing what happens to us when we let go of imaginary sexual boundaries we place on ourselves.

With cosplay sex, we can explore parts of our sexuality we haven’t experienced before. Even among couples who have been together for years, cosplay sex can breathe new life into the relationship by making things new and exciting.

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

How to Deal With a Breakup!

I wrote this blog post to help those people who feel like it’s the end of the world learn how to deal with a breakup!

Breakups hurt, because people aren’t skilled at communicating why they no longer want to be in their relationship. They are especially painful if you were living with your partner and your entire pattern of living changes.

If you haven’t learned it yet, throughout interpersonal relationships, it is important to OPENLY communicate. Why?

Well, if you don’t have the difficult conversations about what you need during a relationship, you can create a system of long-term dysfunction, causing the pain of breaking up to be tumultuous and traumatic.

The beginning of love is so beautiful and the end is often so tragic, but does it have to be? At Life Coaching and Therapy, we believe that loving yourself and your relationships is a mission worth prioritizing!

We long for belonging, long for touch, and we long to matter! We also want to break from the suffering or that “longing for connection.” But it isn’t worth staying with someone who has broken up with you.

Where in your body do you “need” them?

Notice that place in your body and tell your therapist! There is a message there for you to uncover that will help your growth.

What is the core universal need that is underneath your strategy of marriage, monogamy, or romantic partnership – OTHER than this specific person?

What Are Universal Needs?

A Person (your partner) is NOT a universal need.

Needs are qualities that connect us all as human beings, and we all share. Look up Nonviolent Communication for an inventory of all needs.

I use Tony Robbin’s 6 Human Needs:

Certainty
Uncertainty
Significance
Connection
Growth
Contribution

I believe that other than these six needs, every other behavior comes from an attempt to meet one of these. All anyone is ever trying to do is to meet their needs.

Therefore, your partner is NOT a need.

Underneath “I want to be in a romantic partnership with ______” is a need such as:

I want to matter
I want pleasure
I want to be seen, felt, and heard
I want connection
I want certainty of quality time

ALL OF US WANT TO BE SEEN, FELT, and HEARD. Even those people that say they don’t, often, there is someone who they would like to be seen, felt, or heard by.

All of us have the exact same amount of time, so if someone you are relating to says that they don’t have the time to prioritize you right now, then you are not their priority right now.

IDENTIFY YOUR NEEDS!

Express them with words and with consensual actions.

If you decide to split up, there may be pain, and pain can be a pathway back to ourselves.

If you try to prevent the pain by staying in a relationship when it is not fulfilling your needs, you will ultimately get hurt in the future.

Breakups don’t have to be the end of the world, and you can learn how to deal with a breakup and still be happy and ok on your own.

The key is to remain accountable and be open about the pain and the impact you are causing. Sometimes this can help mitigate harsh truths that are said without graciousness or love in the “heat of the moment.”

How To Deal With A Breakup

You will get through this, even though it may not feel like it mentally.

Disconnect from destructive thoughts and let the waves of emotion come in and go back out.

DON’T focus on your obsessions though (easier said than done, but necessary for your health and growth).

Breakups

Encourage yourself to do the WORK necessary to become a happy, positive person who DOES NOT NEED the affirmation of others to feel good inside.

First off, begin weight training and doing aerobic exercise (rowing, running, etc.) in addition to stretching and yoga. The weights and cardio will do wonders for your well being, releasing powerful endorphins and boosting your self esteem. If you abuse working out to the point where you are no longer experiencing the highs from it, then this is no longer a recipe for a healthy lifestyle.

If you are still feeling overwhelmed, depressed, or find it hard to do your day-to-day activities talk to a mental health practitioner. You may need to consider medication.

No matter how disciplined you are, your nature is your nature, and it can be a difficult battle. Daily exercise will help; however, the correct supplements or prescriptions will help fill in those valleys, which can be self sabotaging.

If you are you obsessed with fixing other people – like your ex – stop! You need to fill the hole in YOUR heart. Watch my video on codependency to rule out if you are one of those people trying to fix everyone.

Find two to three new hobbies instead. Meetup.com is a must for a breakup. You can often find multiple options in a city near you!

What are your tips for how to deal with a breakup?

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Practice Personal Accountability

October 7, 2019/in Couples, Relationship Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Practice Personal Accountability

What if I told you that your defensiveness is getting in the way of your growth and pleasure, and taking personal accountability can change your life?

When you become accountable for your actions instead of getting defensive [or sarcastic, or aggressive], you create opportunities for more growth and more connections!

Easy Ways to Practice Personal Accountability:

Look for Clues

Our subconscious often wants us to go back to “why it didn’t work.” We are constantly looking for clues of failure…STOP that!
Turn the negative “detective” part of you into something that searches for the WIN!
Look for the breadcrumbs that others who have the life you want have left behind.

Don’t Blame

Whose fault is it? Blaming our circumstances, our spouse, our parents will not help. Often, we don’t look in the mirror and take full responsibility for our life.
Take ownership and accountability of every single thing in your life and you will feel so much freer! If things go well, it’s on me. I get to take full responsibility for all of it!
One way to start is noticing all the times you say “yes” when you really mean “no.”

Find The Good

It’s so easy to find what is wrong. Try to make your obsession to find the good or the win-win in every situation.
Instead of just giving in, get creative.

Be proactively positive instead of reactively negative.

Being an adult is a balance beam walk between authenticity, boundaries, and understanding the pain of ourselves and those around us.

Responsibility takes work. It takes sitting down and reviewing our lives. We have to look for patterns and have the courage to analyze our mistakes and determine how to do better.

Do you often get defensive with your partner? Or do you take accountability?

Personal accountability helps us to rewire our nervous system to experience ownership and responsibility in a number of positive ways!

When we own our decisions and remain responsible for all of the times we spoke or acted out of integrity, our capacity to handle stress, conflict, and intense emotions increases.

Personal accountability enables more stability and security, and creates a pattern of wanting to own more accountability.

What are your favorite ways that you have been accountable in your life?

I’m always looking for new suggestions!

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

The Pleasure Practice Sex Guide

September 25, 2019/in Free eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

The Pleasure Practice Sex Guide: Unleash Self Pleasure to Heal Yourself and Transform Your Sex Life

I’m Amanda Pasciucco (pronounced Pa-shoe-ko), and as a certified sex therapis and founder of a life coaching and therapy practice, I’ve met many couples that felt bored in their relationship and wanted to spice things up, which is why I created The Pleasure Practice Sex Guide.

Not only that, but I have met hundreds of individuals who were not having fun in their dating life or while masturbating.

The Pleasure Practice Sex Guide

These are problems I have solved for clients many times, and I can help you too. I have been practicing psychotherapy and couples’ therapy for more than 10 years. I am a natural matchmaker at heart. My passion is helping others find the love of their lives, find THEIR pleasure, and learn how to love themselves.

What I share with clients helps them transform their sex lives and relationships, and now I’m going to share my best techniques, practices and beliefs with you.

So, are you ready?

It’s Time to Improve Your Intimate Life with The Pleasure Practice Sex Guide!

I am going to teach you a type of pleasure that you will grow to crave.

Even if you are self conscious or feel like you have tried everything and are hopeless.

It’s time to find your sexual confidence! It’s time to find your inner flirt!

Find out where you may be BLOCKING yourself due to negative belief systems you have about your body or your desires!

Why do some people have what you want? The difference between you and them may be some knowledge and a little confidence.

Download the e-guide below and forward it to any friends who can benefit from this valuable advice!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. Or if you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips

August 29, 2019/in Couples, Free eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips, Lifestyle, Relationship Tips, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

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eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips

Amanda Pasciucco, The Sex Healer, and founder of Life Coaching and Therapy, in West Hartford, CT brings you free eguides on relationship and sex tips.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Amanda has more than 15,000 client hours of experience. She has helped hundreds of distant couples reignite their erotic spark after only a few sessions.

Additionally, Amanda is a national educator, speaker and is featured in CNN, Playboy, Men’s Health, Maxim, Daily Mail and more!

She has helped transform the intimate lives of those struggling with infertility, sexless relationships, low-desire, arousal, orgasm, and penetration problems.

Amanda shares her best, most effective techniques, practices and beliefs.

Are you ready to download, read and practice these tips at home?

It is time to improve your intimate life!

Click to Download: The Pleasure Practice – A Guide to Unleashing Self Pleasure to Heal Yourself and Transform Your Sex Life

If you know someone that would benefit from free eguides on relationship and sex tips, please share this information with them!

Check out Amanda’s Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer.

Learn more about Life Coaching and Therapy.

Sign up to receive our newsletter, eguides, blog posts, webinars and special offers![/vc_column_text]

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Spice Up Your Marriage

December 6, 2018/in Couples, Relationship Tips, Sex Tips, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Spice Up Sexless Marriage (SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE)

Having trouble to keep the spark alive or reviving the spark, and that has resulted in a sexless marriage? You need to help how to spice up sex or spice up your relationship now… or face a break. You may have a lack of intimacy among other intimacy issues in your sexless relationship, but you can save marriage with knowledge in sexual communication! You just need help sparking romance and breathing life back into your relationship. Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified therapist, shares her tips to success!

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

Sexual choking uncovered in Playboy

November 9, 2017/in BDSM, The Sex Healer/by Amanda Pasciucco

Amanda Pasciucco was interviewed for a Playboy magazine article about sexual choking.

So You’re Into Choking…

Written by

BRIDGET PHETASY

One of the common questions I’m asked, both as a woman and the Playboy Advisor, goes something like this: “My girlfriend is into choking. What’s up with that?”

As someone who occasionally enjoys a little light gripping of the neck, that question is something worth exploring because, to be honest, I don’t have the answer. In fact, the question alone brings up feelings of internal shame and embarrassment. Is there something wrong with me? I’m not alone in my confusion. As one man told me for this story, “I like choking, but question women who want to be choked too hard. That’s not because I’m judging, but because I wonder why anyone would want to feel like they’re about to die?”

To come to grip with this increasingly popular sex act—which in its varying forms ranges from breathplay to erotic asphyxiation—I decided to speak with six experts on the subject.

One thing that stood out right away is this important warning: Erotic choking is dangerous no matter your level of engagement or expertise. Before we dive into the physiological and psychological factors at play, let’s start with safety.

Across the board, experts urges extreme caution “We get a lot of mixed messages because of the depiction of it in porn,” says certified sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson, “but sexual choking or breath play is really dangerous. Even in the BDSM community, it’s never safe. There is always a lethal risk.” “Because of the risk, the absolute safest way to practice this activity is to keep it as a fantasy,” Heather McPherson, a licensed marriage therapist explains. “Breath play, erotic choking and erotic asphyxiation are generally terms recognized under the umbrella of edgeplay. This type of activity is recognized as high-risk even for experienced individuals.” And clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Kristie Overstreet says, “The only way to ensure safety is to not participate in this at all.”

But if you still insist on experimenting with breath play, certified sex therapist and author Amanda Pasciucco says to “take a class on the subject. Choking is an easy way to have fun and explore with a partner, but there is definitely a safe way and a dangerous way to choke. Whatever you do, do not put pressure on the trachea.”

McPherson advises, “the person performing this activity should be trained in CPR, highly educated in the physiological effects and keenly aware of the risk involved. It’s important to stay attuned to your partner’s responses and to communicate to each other throughout the experience. Discuss all of this long before play takes place and establish a verbal safe word and non-verbal safe action.”

So what exactly is going on physiologically when a person gets choked? Well, you’re literally robbing your brain of oxygen. “This could bring about a lucid, semi-hallucinogenic state. Hypoxia can occur if you reduce oxygen intake or if you reduce blood flow to the brain. It can make a person lightheaded, giddy and can allegedly intensify an orgasm,” explains McPherson. The rush of oxygen after the release of a choke timed with climax can create “a different kind of orgasm that isn’t replicated in vanilla sex or masturbation,” says Overstreet. “The pleasure-seeking center of the brain gets pushed into overdrive during erotic choking. Pushing the limit and walking the thin line between breathing or not breathing can send a powerful surge of endorphins throughout the body.”

The psychological effect of erotic choking is almost more powerful than the physical, although the interplay of sex and death and chemistry is what makes this practice so intoxicating. One man confessed to me, “I’m in to it giving but I hate receiving—talk about control issues.” A woman said, “For me, it gives me the ability to just lose control for a little while. I feel like I’m always in such control of whatever I’m doing it’s nice to be able to release and let someone else have the ability to take over for those few moments.”

This woman’s experience reflects a pattern observed by the experts working with thousands of individuals for decades. “For women who are being choked, it’s liberating to give up control and trust someone with your life,” says Anderson. “For men who enjoy choking it’s about what a woman is willing to let him do and the fact that this woman trusts him with her life. Both sexes get off on getting as close to death as you can—and cheating it.”

“Through my years of experience with my private practice I have learned a great deal about the correlation between one’s sexuality and their beliefs and attitude on death. An example: many individuals who fear death have a fear of sex. One’s own relationship to death is almost always reflected in one’s sexuality. This includes fetishes such as erotic choking,” says Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones.

”Often, we do things sexually because we know it turns our partner on. That fact in and of itself can be a turn on for us—knowing that we (our bodies) are supplying the pleasure,” says Dr. Debra Laino. “The control of taking someone’s life (breath) away and then giving it back to them is exhilarating for some. For some it is the depth of love making, which includes a different level of trust and intimacy.”

The vast majority of the 30 women I interviewed enjoyed an occasional light erotic choke, but that seems to be the threshold for most women; less than a third of them express an interest in exploring anything beyond that such as ties or a full choke. My girlfriend summed it up in a nutshell when she said, “Powerlessness, trust and pleasure.”

The BDSM community’s mantra is “Safe, Sane and Consensual.” One man broke that down saying, “For me, as an element of a power play, erotic choking can be fun. As someone who is dominant in the bedroom, I can be into choking with a few essential things in mind: a suggestion by my partner that it is desirable; establishment of a safe word and safe action (three taps on my hip or a pillow; and sufficient awareness of human anatomy. Always focus pressure on sides of neck and avoid pressure to trachea.”

It’s the latter that you must take precautions with during breath play. It’s all too easy to accidentally cause real injury while role-playing. In order to avoid injuries and misunderstandings, make sure it’s always consensual; if a man I didn’t know that well started choking me, it would scare the shit out of me.

Make sure you do your homework. Find an expert to teach you the correct way to engage in breath play. Many local sex-toy shops offer classes in various forms of kink and there are many “experts” online—but as you would when shopping for any kind of expertise online, exercise caution and be discerning about whom you might meet in real life.

“This can be a dangerous pleasure. Never use alcohol or drugs when engaging in this play,” says Jones. “Remember, this type of play can become highly addictive and as with all addictions, can leave an individual with a craving of needing more and more to satisfy them.”

But if just reading this piece gives you a half chub, there’s nothing wrong with you. If you want to explore it, that’s perfectly natural, and I highly recommend it—but do so with caution.

Check Out All Our Additional Sex Therapy Video

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Couple Fighting: Stop Arguing and Start Loving

The Silence Surrounding Unmet Needs

Overcoming Resentment by Quieting the Ego

Setting Conditions for Nonviolent Communication

Decide to Make Room for Love

Anal Sex For Penetration

Anal Sex Preparation Exercise

Deeper Anal Sex Penetration Exercise

Anal Sex with a Partner

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Anal Sex For Beginniners

Must-Know Terms for Anal Sex Beginners:

Barriers to Anal Sex after a “Bad” Experience

Avoiding A Messy Anal Sex Experience:

Solo Anal Pleasure

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Sexual Anxiety in Females and Gendered “Girls” at Birth

Defining Intimacy

Difficulty Achieving Orgasm

What Does Sex Mean?

Being Happy with Your Body

Take A Breath and Enjoy the Ride

Kegel Exercises

About Life Coaching and Therapy

When Sexual Anxiety Takes Over: What Drives Sexual Inhibition and Stress in Penis-Bodied Humans

Performance Anxiety

Body Image

Lack of Experience

Ways to Help Reduce Sexual Anxiety:

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Psychosexual Therapy Exercises You Have Been Waiting For!

Inner Aspects Model by Francesca Gentille

Psychosexual Therapy Exercises For Everyone!

Inner Aspects Game Date Night for Couples – Francesca Gentille’s Method!

Pro Tip: Agree on a minimum number of inner aspects! HAVE FUN! Be willing to laugh.

Get Into the Halloween Spirit with Cosplay Sex

Take Advantage of Halloween for Cosplay Sex!

Check Out Some Cosplay Events

Do Some Online Research

Set the Scene for Your Cosplay Adventure!

Take a Chance this Halloween

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Top Millennial Problems for Therapists

About Life Coaching and Therapy

How to Deal With a Breakup!

What Are Universal Needs?