Cosplay Sex

Dress-up for Adults: The Fun World of Cosplay Sex

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Dress-up for Adults: The Fun World of Cosplay Sex

 

Cosplay sex is one of the most fun, creative ways to spice up the bedroom, explore fantasies and channel your favorite characters. Cosplay sex may sound kinky and wild, and it can be, though it is a great way to wade into the waters of kink and roleplay!

 

What is Cosplay?

Cosplay sex is only one context for the fun and freedom of dressing up as your favorite characters. Have you ever seen images of comicon? People dressed as their favorite film, comicbook and tv characters? Well, that’s cosplay!

Cosplay simply means “costume play”. It doesn’t have to be sexual at all, and for most it is just an opportunity to show their love of specific fandoms, or showcase their creativity when it comes to reimagining these characters in real life. It can be a literal interpretation of characters or a look inspired by characters or stories the cosplayer connects to.

Cosplay is even making its way into drag culture as we see more performers interpret characters and include them in their live performances.

Cosplay also involves embodying the character to certain degrees, so it can be a fun way to escape and roleplay in sexual or non-sexual situations.

 

Is Cosplay a Fetish?

It should be noted that there is a huge issue of female cosplayers in particular being fetishized by people without permission, which can put a damper on the fun.

Just because someone is dressed like Wonder Woman or Princess Leia in a bikini does not mean that they are open to sexual advances, lewd online comments or want to be fetishized. They are simply appreciating a character and having fun dressing up!

Some people do have fetishes around certain characters. If you are sexually obsessed with Batman, maybe you’ll get a kick out of having sex with someone dressed as Batman, or it is a fantasy you want to fulfil.

Cosplay in and of itself, however, is not a fetish or an expression of someone’s fetish.

 

Making Cosplay Sexy

Incorporating cosplay into sex can be a fun, lighthearted and creative way to dip your toes into some light kink and fantasy fulfilment.

Roleplay can help you release your inhibitions, be more assertive or submissive, and help you realize fantasies.

Cosplay can help you by having a character that is already well known, a specific personality you can channel and improvise around without starting from scratch.

Cosplay doesn’t need to be expensive or fancy, though you can certainly drop a lot of cash on movie replica costumes and accessories. If you want a movie perfect Darth Vader costume for $10,000, that’s your prerogative!

Cosplay Sex

All you need is an indication of costume. This could be thick gold bracelets to channel Wonder Woman, or a black domino mask to become Zorro, or even white gloves to become Mickey Mouse if that’s your thing. Use your imagination and creativity to have as much or as little costume as you want.

The most important part of cosplay sex is the character you channel in the moment. Costumes are part of the name, however it is less about the appearance and more about the character!

 

Here are some ways to incorporate your favorite character into cosplay sex:

  •   Use sexy props: some bondage rope for Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, a dildo as your “lightsaber”, a small whip for Indiana Jones, a full faced mask for Batman, the options are as vast as the characters you create! Find ways to repurpose sex toys to fit with your chosen character
  •   Use catchphrases: does your character have any memorable quotes or catchphrases that you can use in the bedroom? Luke, I am your Daddy…they don’t have to be entirely serious! Cosplay sex can be fun and funny.
  •   Use your favorite scenes: Is there a scene that really gets you going? Maybe you want to re-enact the fight between Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and Michael Keaton’s Batman- sexy! Is there a sex scene from Outlander you want to replicate word for word, touch for touch?
  •   Imagine New Relationships: This happens a lot in fan fiction, and crosses over into cosplay sex seamlessly. Ever wish there had been a hot moment between Edward and Jacob? Want James Bond to hook up with M? How about Frodo and Sam? Now’s your chance to make that fantasy happen!   

This is by no means an exhaustive list, so let your imagination run wild!

 

Some Practical Considerations

  •   Safety first: just because your character throws knives or whatever doesn’t mean you should dive headfirst into knifeplay without a mentor or training. Same goes for choking or bondage: take an online class or workshop in rope tying and knots so you can safely bind your partner without cutting off circulation or accidental injuries.
  •   Consent: I know it goes without saying, though it can’t be said enough! All activities must be consensual, and since cosplay sex can wade into the realm of kink, it is helpful to talk with your sexual partner about boundaries and safe words before diving into the scene.
  •   Finances: Never feel like you have to break the bank to have the perfect costume. Some people love to invest in and collect movie-quality costumes, however it isn’t necessary to engage in cosplay sex or enjoy roleplay as your favorite characters!
  •   Cleaning: Some costumes are easier to clean than others, so this may be a consideration for you if you plan on using your costume for sex. As always, clean any toys, props or costumes before and after sex, and ideally use new toys for new partners.
  •   Exit rituals: If you are playing in a particularly intense or violent scene, it can be helpful to have an exit ritual. This can be as simple as taking a bath or meditating, or just cleaning up and putting away your costume. Whatever you need to do to transition out of your cosplay persona into your regular persona. Some people don’t need this at all, though if you are having trouble separating your actions from the character’s actions, these rituals can help you put them to rest and pick them up again later when you’re ready for more fun.

 

Cosplay sex is a fun, creative and exciting way to try something new and perhaps fulfill a longheld fantasy. Costumes aren’t just for Halloween, so get some fabric and ideas and try out cosplay sex!

 

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

sex therapy videos

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Tantric Sex

A Virtual Tantric Sex Weekend

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A Virtual Tantric Sex Weekend

 

Why would you explore tantric sex at an online location like zoom? That’s SO weird.

Well… most people are finding their information about sexuality from pornography anyway. 

In the USA… recent statistics show that only 22 out of 50 states require health ed. And of those 22 states, only 17 are required to provide accurate info. That is actually terrifying. 

A weekend of sex, cave dwelling, exploring erotic fantasies, and moving the darkness of our self from the subconscious to the conscious! 

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” – Carl Jung

It makes sense given this cultural climate. I continue to hope that people wake up the societal notions that we “assume” as real that are actually just sociological ideologies. 

This weekend, at the Shadows and Light Virtual tantra festival, shattering cultural myths was at the center of the 3-day online weekend retreat. 

No matter HOW OLD people are, they are lacking sexual information… and information that is focused on mind-body connection and courage. 

 

So What Do You Learn at a Tantric Sex Weekend? 

Tantric Sex

Presenters from all over the world were sharing their knowledge while volunteers, like myself, provided emotional support to those participants that were diving deep.

When in a workshop like this, you are at choice, yet sometimes, it feels safe to know you have someone in the room that will be there for a private message. 

From virtual dating, to energy play, to sacred sensual dance, to meditation and yoga… the virtual retreat had everything you could imagine. 

The secret of tantric sex lies in putting aside the urgency of orgasm, and concentrating on thoughtful and delicate movements. 

Tantric sex is about using your entire body, your hands especially, your breath, and your mind. 

Therefore, even a simple, yet constant present mind awareness of asking yourself “am I breathing” acts as a strategy to enable you to melt into yourself. 

In the practice of tantric sex and shadow work, there is nothing more important than connecting with your breath, your voice, and your sensations. 

Taking notice of making sounds consciously with your voice! Sounds are also stimulating, such as a whisper, sigh, moan, cry and scream.

 

Tantric Sex Questions To Consider: 

  • How do I communicate in a sexual way with my body? 
  • How do I communicate in a sexual way with others? 
  • What does the sound you make during tantric sex, or any sex, say about your experience with your pleasure?

 

When Someone Shares their Sex Story With You, Respond By Saying: 

  • I believe you
  • I honor your experience
  • I witness your strength
  • I thank you for your bravery

 

Virtual Tantric Sex Dating Practices: 

  • Instead of focusing on Duration of your relationship —> Focus on going DEEP! 
  • Instead of focusing on Attraction of others to you  —> Focus on your own authentic sense of Self-Expression and have your tribe find you. 
  • Instead of focusing on Sacrifice for your partner  —> Focus on Supporting your own sense of Self-Care, so others do not have to take care of you.

 

Online Shadow Festival for Tantric Sex – My Takeaways:

  • Learn to build intimacy from self to self (and with others)
  • Ignite your pleasure centers by touching them with your hands
  • Improve communication by practicing it in a conscious way
  • Share in a way where others are supportive 
  • Challenge societal norms by noticing what Disney and pop culture frames as the “norm” within your romantic relationships
  • Practice consent instead of giving up, giving in, or overgiving

 

If you have any questions about a virtual tantric sex weekend, feel free to ask! 

Start your journey here

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

 

 

Do you know why you get a period?

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Do you know why you get a period?

 

Do you want to finally answer “why do you get a period?”

In this video I will explain to you, what is the period and why do you get a period.

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, Cosmopolitan, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR EGUIDE EXCERPT OF THE ANATOMY CHAPTER OF MY BOOK

https://idftty46.pages.infusionsoft.net/ ←HERE.

Get Playtime: A Guide To Sexual Conquests For Women

 

Watch now:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Sex Positive Parenting

Sex Positive Parenting! Let’s Talk about Sex… Baby.

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Sex Positive Parenting! Let’s Talk about Sex…Baby.

 

Sex and sexuality are more often than not stigmatized in our society, especially around our children and sex positive parenting. 

Often, parents shame, objectify, or stigmatize most sexual behavior throughout child and adolescent development. In doing so, we set children up to have a lack of knowledge and understanding about their own sexuality, body, identity, and pleasure. 

In our country, we do a disservice to all by not engaging in age-appropriate sexuality education throughout childrens’ lives and avoiding sex positive parenting into adulthood. 

As parents, adults, educators, and therapists we are all responsible for helping break this pattern to build curiosity and appropriate understanding of their bodies, identity, and pleasure. 

 

Sex Positive Education for All Ages

I am fortunate to be a mother of a one and a half year old. 

You can bet I am starting her education around her body now. 

So you literally start sex positive parenting with babies… how do you ask?

  • Use accurate terms for different parts of their body (including genitals) 
    • ex. Vulva, penis, vagina, clitoris, anus, butt, etc.
  • Allow exploration of their bodies. 
    • With age and understanding you can create boundaries as to when and how this is appropriate
  • Support appropriate curiosity 
  • Include clitoris-centered pleasure 
  • Discuss body safety and informed consent
  • Allow space to discuss and learn about the different stages of sexual development 
    • Self exploration, terminology, questions about their bodies, resources, etc.
  • If you find your child or adolescent looking at porn or other sexually explicit material DO NOT SHAME them! 
    • Instead… collaborate and provide accurate information and explanations
  • Find reputable sources to help you learn to provide accurate and inclusive information around sexuality 
    • Do not assume your child’s sexual identity
    • Do not be heteronormative in your explainations (not just penis in vagina, etc)

 

Pornography

It is normative for children and adolescents to be curious about sexuality and due to our lack of ability to discuss this as a society, families, and in education one of the most accessible ways to learn about their sexuality is through pornography or through peers.

Pornography depicts various experiences around sexuality and sometimes focusing on fantasy. Although pornography does not always depict sexuality accurately and can often fetishize different populations, it also can be a very normal part of people’s sexuality. 

If you find you your child or adolescent looking at pornography DO NOT SHAME THEM. 

Here are things to consider doing instead of SHAME and PUNISHMENT:

  • Work on building curiosity, education, and providing accurate, realistic resources surrounding sexuality. 
  • Support your child in learning about sexuality and providing them accurate information about pornography, sex, and sexual exploration. 
  • Allow space for questions 
  • Reinforce they are not in trouble and allow space to talk about their emotions
  • Discuss boundaries and consent
  • Discuss difference between fantasy and reality
  • Pleasure centered conversations 
  • Provide information that pornography has been historically catered towards cis gender, heterosexual, white men and may not accurately depict sexual behavior across various identities and experiences

 

If you and/or other partner(s) or adults in your life are uncomfortable practicing sex positive parenting or discussing sexuality, find a therapist or AASECT sex educator who can help facilitate these conversations so that you can work towards building a healthy relationship with sexuality and your child. 

At LCAT, we are here to help! 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

I hate my body

I Hate My Body

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I Hate My Body

 

Have you ever said I hate my body? 

If you have, I have a question on how many companies profit from you hating yourself. Not to say that is negative. I hate my body

Just wondering if you are aware that any I hate my body statements may be fueled by the messages you consume on a daily basis! 

I hate to break it to you, yet our political, media, justice and even educational systems are often corrupted by money and / or power. Power dynamics are literally everywhere. 

Notice them. Notice who benefits by you saying “I hate my body.”

Body image is perceived as important, especially in Western Capitalistic cultures (Botta, 2003). 

Numerous studies have associated body image with sexual satisfaction (Lowery, 2005; Yamamiya et al, 2006; Sanchez, 2007; Weaver & Byers, 2007).  The way you perceive your body has something to do with the way you experience pleasure.

If you are hating your body all the time, I wonder how that affects your sexuality? 

If your sex life is less than adequate, let’s turn your focus around! 

Instead of focusing on how much you hate the body… let’s try something else. 

 

Show your body love by: 

    • Radical self care to ensuring that I meditate
    • Slowing my brain down by writing
    • Exercise and meal choices
    • Watching a sunrise or sunset

 

Practical ways:

  • Touch your throat and feel your hands
  • Tap on your heart chakra (the same latitude as the heart, yet in the center)
  • Massage the base of your skull, at your hairline
  • Explore the types of pleasure on a part of the body that isn’t sexualized
  • Breathe in through your nose
  • Breathe out through your mouth
  • Putting bare feet on the dirt or grass
  • Laying in clean sheets without clothing on
  • Replace I hate my body with I love my body! 
  • Look at yourself in the mirror and smile daily
  • Pull on your earlobes
  • Exploring your face with your hands and fingertips
  • Open your mouth and relax your jaw 
  • Notice if your shoulders are tense and relax them

 

Get our pleasure practice eguide if you want to understand how to love your body more and integrate it with your pleasure! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

my husband hate me

I Think My Husband Hates Me & How To Solve It!

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I Think My Husband Hates Me & How To Solve It!

 

If you have been feeling neglected, resented and anxious in your marriage, you may be thinking to yourself I think my husband hates me.

No marriage is picture perfect, and it could even be possible that he feels the same way about you! So instead of jumping to the conclusion “my husband hates me”, let’s look at why you may be feeling that way. Hatred and resentment can of course arise in marriages, though rarely out of the blue. 

“He is always choosing time with the guys instead of time with me!”

You may be feeling neglected if your hubby is choosing to spend time with the bros All. The. Time. This is understandable! 

While there is nothing wrong with him wanting time with his friends- friendships outside of a relationship are healthy and should be encouraged- it doesn’t have to be a battle of friends vs. wife. 

As with every relationship issue, communication is crucial. Here are some ideas of where he might be coming from with this behavior, and some suggestions to open up communication:

  • He may feel overwhelmed by the daily minutia of chores, bills and routine
  • He may feel like you are mothering him
  • He may just need time with other men
  • He may be stressed by financial or personal concerns and need a distraction
  • He may just want to connect with people who share his hobbies

Remember, one person cannot be everything to everyone, though as his spouse you shouldn’t have to feel neglected! Try opening up:

  • Ask him directly if something is wrong! He may be hurt by something you’ve overlooked, it can save a lot of time if you directly ask what’s going on. 
  • Say how much you love him and wish you could spend more time together. Does he feel like you spend enough time together? Are you having enough sex and fun, or have you become roommates? 
  • Tell him how hurtful it is when he ditches plans with you for plans with the guys. Does this information surprise him or does he seem unphased? He may just not understand and need to be told directly that his actions are hurtful. 
  • Both of you can share what you enjoy doing as a couple, and plan to do more of those things. This could be games, favorite tv shows, sports, cooking- any activity you enjoy doing together! 
  • Offer to host the next guy’s night at your home- this may put your mind at ease if you know what they’re up to, though don’t feel the need to spy. This is about letting your husband know you care about his friendships. 

My Husband Hates Me

Likely, he just needs to blow off some steam and as a couple you can shake up the routine to be more fun. You’ll never know until you talk about it with each other!

“He is always giving me dirty looks, rolling his eyes and scowls at me”

It can be super hurtful if someone you love is giving you dirty looks- it feels like instant rejection and like they don’t care about your feelings. 

Think back to when you were a teenager and I’m sure you gave many of those looks to people around you, especially authority figures! Some reasons he may be giving you dirty looks:

  • You’re nagging him. Is this something you’ve asked him to do already, and he has said he will do it? Is there a reason you feel the need to remind him?
  • You’ve broached a no-go topic. Does he have any traumas and sensitivities you are unknowingly or knowingly bringing up? 
  • He is insulted. Did you say something critical about his job, his body, his family or his finances? While you should never be a doormat, criticism needs to come from a healthy, constructive and supportive place- not making fun of his belly, ranting about his sister’s money issues or telling him he’s a loser for not getting a better job. 
  • A difference of values. This is a very political day and age, and if you hold vastly different opinions about politics and social issues you’re probably both doing some eye rolling at each other! You may not have known how different your opinions are until now. 
  • He’s frustrated. Everyone gets frustrated. Ask him why. 

 

If it is a constant issue, it is wise to seek counseling. You shouldn’t be made to feel disliked in your own home, especially from someone you are building a life with, and he shouldn’t have to feel so frustrated and annoyed. There may be a solution to be found!

“So…does my husband hate me?”

It is impossible to know unless you communicate about it! He may not hate you- though he may feel resentment, rejection, or frustrations and these can all be addressed through communication and counseling. 

Chances are, this is a bump in the road that can be solved. There is also a chance that he is completely unaware of how his actions are affecting you! Asking yourself “does my husband hate me” is way less effective than simply opening up the conversation- though it may be awkward and difficult, it is always worthwhile!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

what is new relationship energy

What is New Relationship Energy or What is NRE?

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What is New Relationship Energy or What is NRE?

 

Today we will discuss “ What is New Relationship Energy ” or What is NRE… in the monogamous and open relationship world!

We have all asked what love is and “what is new relationship energy” yet not all of us know how the answer. I will try to answer what is NRE today for those of you in new relationships.

In this video, I will teach you “What is New Relationship Energy” and how to enjoy this new relationship energy without neglecting our surroundings!

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, Cosmopolitan, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR “BEHIND THE SCENES OF COMMUNICATION” GUIDE

https://gn91oeao.pages.infusionsoft.net ←HERE

 

Watch now:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our teamof compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

BDSM dating

5 Steps for BDSM Dating on Vanilla Apps

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5 Steps for BDSM Dating on Vanilla Apps

 

BDSM dating can be a challenge if you don’t want to out yourself to Facebook friends or work colleagues who might be on dating apps. At the same time, if you’re not sure what you’re looking for or want to sprinkle in some vanilla dating, using conventional dating apps can bring you a great variety of potential partners. 

BDSM dating doesn’t have to be much different than any other form of online dating. It is meant to be an easily accessible, instant and safe way of meeting as many new people as possible and can save you a lot of bad dates if done correctly. 

 

1.Ask Yourself “Why?”

Why do you want to use a general dating app instead of a BDSM dating app? It may seem counterintuitive, however more people are on apps like Tinder, Grindr and Bumble than the more specialized kink apps. 

If you use a kink app, you may find that there is a limited variety of people on the app, which means you can run out of potential matches more quickly than with the most popular dating apps. 

Also, there are lots of currently vanilla people who are wanting to explore kink with an experienced partner, so finding matches on a conventional app may be an opportunity to expand your community and meet new people. 

Why do you want to meet people online? Do you feel too exposed attending live kink events or conventions? Do you still feel shame around your kinks? If this is the case, online dating can be a safe and relatively anonymous way to meet people with similar fantasies with less exposure if you’re shy. 

BDSM dating

 

2.Set Your Boundaries

Outside of the boundaries that must come along with a BDSM dating experience, you should also set your boundaries for online dating specifically. 

What questions are you willing and unwilling to answer from matches? If someone isn’t up to speed on coded language or acronyms from the BDSM dating scene, how much are you willing to explain?

Deciding on these things will save you emotional labor and time when interacting with matches. 

You should decide what amount of privacy you are comfortable with- will you use your real name, or just your initials? Do you want a full face photo or something more anonymous? 

Keep in mind, ethical BDSM dating shouldn’t involve any deception or catfishing, though you can be open about hiding certain details until you get to know a match better. For example, maybe you don’t give out your number until you’ve met, or maybe you don’t give out your real name on your profile but will when you are chatting with a match. 

You may even consider not including your kinks on your profile and being open about it with matches later, though this can lead to disappointment if you are looking for kinky folx in the first pace. 

Always remember that your profile is public, so anyone can see what is on there. So only put what you are comfortable with strangers or your co-worker or friend stumbling across if they’re on the app! 

 

3.Find the Code Words

The easiest way to find kinky and kink-curious individuals on vanilla apps is by using the abbreviations, code words and acronyms that describe your kinks. 

Sometimes emoji are used in the community- the unicorn emoji for example, lets people know that you are an individual looking to join a couple for a threesome. 

Saying you like “D/s” means dominance/submissive and describing yourself as “open minded” can be an indicator you are kinky. These words and abbreviations can also help you find other kinksters on the app! Typically, terminology used in BDSM communities will be obvious if you are also a member of that community, so keep an eye out for fellow BDSM dating matches. 

 

4.Be Open to Conversation and Questions

If you are casting a wider net to include kink curious and vanilla partners when BDSM dating, be prepared to answer questions from matches who may not have picked up on your terminology- or even read your entire profile. This happens a lot as people swipe quickly based on appearances. 

Since you have already decided what your boundaries are, answer any questions from matches that you are comfortable answering. Hopefully, they are respectful and genuine!

BDSM dating

If you’ve matched with someone and aren’t sure if they’ve understood you’re kinky, it is worth having a direct conversation. Something like “Hey! Just fyi, I am into _____, if that’s not you’re thing we can unmatch, no hard feelings!” can be effective and quick.

The downside of dating apps is that people can take a turn for the rude, scary or abusive. If someone is speaking to you in a way that is disrespectful or abusive, report, unmatch and block that person without hesitation. Keeping your boundaries firm will make for the best online dating experience. 

 

5.Be Safe & Have Fun

As someone experienced in BDSM dating, you probably already know how to date and have sex in a way that is consensual and safe. It always bears repeating though! 

When meeting a stranger from an app, make sure you are going to a public place, and make sure that you let someone know where you are. Having a friend make a call at some point during the night can give you an opportunity to confirm you are safe, and have a potential escape if you feel the date is not going well and can’t say it outright. 

If you want to meet for play, make sure you feel safe. Hide any valuables in a safe or lock them away, and let a friend know you have someone coming over. This seems over the top, however meeting strangers on apps can have risks that wouldn’t come with traditional courtship or meeting people IRL at events. 

With all that out of the way, have FUN! You’re meeting new people, and are trying new things and that is worth celebrating! BDSM dating can be fun and rewarding and pleasurable if done with safety, boundaries and an open mind. 

 

Check Out All Our Additional Sex Therapy Video

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

 

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

sex therapy videos

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

High Functioning Anxiety

All Your Questions About High Functioning Anxiety

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All Your Questions About High Functioning Anxiety

 

Did you know that high functioning anxiety isn’t officially a diagnosable condition? This is because it can be so subtle, and yet not as debilitating as anxiety disorders. As such, there is very little research on the subject compared to general anxiety disorders.

High functioning anxiety is also different from diagnosed anxiety disorders because there is very little acute biological response. Their palms aren’t getting sweaty, no significant increase in heart rate, no dizziness, and yet the chronic stress can definitely make a physical impact through lack of sleep and overworking. 

High functioning anxiety refers to the fact that people with this condition usually appear outwardly successful, calm or put together, though inside they are suffering. They are “functioning” at a “high level” despite how they feel inside.

 

What Does It Look Like?

To someone on the outside, people with high functioning anxiety are hyper successful, driven and organized. They may be perceived as being stoic or unemotional, even cold, or abrupt. On the flipside, they can be very outgoing and passionate about what they do. 

When people have diagnosed anxiety disorders, they are frozen by fear. This is the more typical media representation of anxiety. People who can’t leave their homes because they are so afraid, or break down and have panic attacks when triggered, or who even need medication in order to cope with day to day life. 

The high achievement, organization and attention to detail with the elusive high functioning anxiety makes it hard to see that anything is wrong at all. In fact, the high functioning anxiety sufferer may appear to be thriving. 

 

What Does It Feel Like?

For the person dealing with high functioning anxiety, it’s a different story. On the inside, they feel a constant churning of anxiety, usually related to feelings of perfectionism, overthinking and need for approval. 

  • Fear of failure
  • Need to be liked
  • Need for approval
  • Rumination, racing thoughts
  • Obsession over the most minor details
  • Unwilling to be vulnerable, a fear of vulnerability
  • Fear of seeming stupid or uneducated
  • Inability to enjoy the present moment
  • Insomnia

 

What Causes Anxiety?

Even with diagnosable anxiety disorders, uncovering the cause can be a long, mysterious process. Sometimes, there may not even be an obvious cause, rather a complex synergy of many factors. 

Factors could be environmental, genetic, the result of a trauma or brain injury: there are so many potential factors even for diagnosable anxiety disorders, so the elusiveness of high functioning anxiety is even tougher to pin down. It may be possible to identify triggers for your anxiety, even if you never uncover how it began in the first place. 

 

The Downside of High Functioning Anxiety

High functioning anxiety can have numerous adverse effects in your life and on your health. Including:

  • Sleep deprivation
  • Chronic stress
  • You may avoid eye contact
  • You may be a people pleaser 
  • A cycle of procrastination
  • The inability to say “no” even when you’re too busy or overwhelmed
  • Loyal to a fault
  • Never go beyond your comfort zone
  • Never show your feelings
  • May think your feelings are normal and never seek help because outwardly you’re successful
  • Living a life of denial, simply labeling yourself as a “workaholic” or “list-maker”
  • A reliance on substances to cope, such as alcohol, weed, caffeine or sleeping pills.

 

The Benefits of High Functioning Anxiety

Having high functioning anxiety isn’t all doom and gloo m however. Many studies have proven that those with a livable amount of anxiety are more driven, more organized and even have less accidents causing injury. Other benefits include:

  • Punctuality
  • Outgoing
  • Detail oriented
  • Helpful
  • Loyal
  • A good leader
  • A person of action
  • Focused 
  • Incredibly driven
  • More successful than non anxious peers

While these are all excellent qualities that clearly great for achieving success in your career and following your dreams, there are ways to find a healthier balance so you don’t have to put up with the negative aspects of your high functioning anxiety. 

 

How to Cope

It is worth noting that even if you feel like you have an undiagnosable condition like high functioning anxiety, if you feel overwhelmed or need help figuring out how to make your life easier you should seek out a therapist. 

We’re not just for crises, we can help you overcome anxiety, depression, and anything that is making life difficult by giving you the tools for coping and thriving. 

Some steps you can begin to take on your own include meditation to encourage stillness and stopping the cycle of rumination. 

Channeling anxious energy through exercise can be helpful, and avoiding caffeine may help with insomnia and feelings of anxiety. 

Proper sleep hygiene can increase your quality of life drastically. This means taking time to wind down at the end of the day, avoiding caffeine after lunch and no screen time an hour or two before bed. Try reading a fiction book, soothing yoga or sleep meditations to prepare your mind for rest. If you find you can’t fall asleep, try leaving your bedroom and reading somewhere else until tired again. 

 

If It Isn’t a Real Disorder, Is It All In My Head?

When your thoughts, habits and behaviors are impacting your quality of life negatively, then it doesn’t matter if there is an official definition or diagnosis. Something can still be done, and there is no need to suffer that deeply for success. 

 

Can a Therapist Still Help Me? 

Therapists don’t just deal with diagnoses, we help you uncover the root of your high functioning anxiety and build a plan for coping with it to make your life as enjoyable as possible. We can help you harness the positive benefits of high functioning anxiety and minimize the negative aspects in a healthy way. 

If you think you are living with high functioning anxiety, know that you don’t need to struggle and can find help! It may be hard to admit you need help or aren’t “fine”, and overcoming your high functioning anxiety will certainly be worth it! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

What is a Poly Relationship

What is a Poly Relationship? [STEP BY STEP Explanation!]

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What is a Poly Relationship?

[STEP BY STEP Explanation!]

 

Today we will be discussing polyamory and questions that you ought to consider asking if you are deciding on a poly relationship for yourself?

Poly relationship is the new norm. Polyamory is the practice of loving multiple people – intimately and sometimes sexually.

Have you thought about having a poly relationship? What is a Poly Relationship?

In this video, I will teach you what is a poly relationship and how a poly relationship works!! Polyam is often the common term now, instead of poly.

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR “BEHIND THE SCENES OF COMMUNICATION” GUIDE

https://gn91oeao.pages.infusionsoft.net ←HERE

 

Watch now:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Gender Non-Conforming

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

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Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative individuals are people whose gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female within our society. 

You may wonder what is gender non-conforming or what does it mean when people are gender creative? 

In our society, we commonly categorize individuals as male or female. 

Therefore, those people who identify themselves as either side of the binary are expected to conform to a particular style and behavior. 

Someone who identifies as female is expected to wear “feminine” clothing such as dresses, leggings, skirts, specific shirts, etc. Females are also assumed to wear makeup, have longer hair, and no facial hair. 

Those who identify themselves as male are expected to wear “masculine” clothing such as sports attire, pants, more solid colors, and usually not bright clothing. These are some of the “rules” that are gender conformity. 

When an individual does not ascribe to these set of rules or engages in shifting gender expressive play (through clothing, makeup, etc), this is breaking gender conformity or the binary. 

Gender non-conforming individuals are those we are focusing on here.

There are a variety of ways people can choose to break gender conformity through the varying ways gender is expressed. 

Some common options are: 

  • Mannerisms
  • Dress and attire
  • Makeup
  • Hair style
  • Accessories 

Individuals who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. 

Some people who identify as non-conforming may present more neutral or androgenous, while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire. 

People who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities. 

These identities can include, yet are not limited to:

  • Non-binary
  • Gender queer
  • Gender fluid
  • Gender bending
  • Gender non-conforming
  • Or something else. 

The important thing is learning to understand each person’s identity and not making assumptions about those you meet. 

If you are wanting to learn more about someone’s identity, be sure you are doing it for them and their comfort, rather than for your own needs. This is often a good place to start by knowing your intentions. 

You can also seek therapy or reputable sources who can help support you in learning and understanding. 

It is your own responsibility to learn more rather than anyone in the community teaching you. Seek a professional if you need, that specializes in this area of focus. 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Orgasm Abuse

What is Orgasm Abuse – Not The Kinky Kind!

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What is Orgasm Abuse – Not The Kinky Kind!

 

Do you know what orgasm abuse feels like in your body? We aren’t talking about the kinky kind either. What is the difference between orgasm abuse and orgasm pleasure? 

If you want to see our blog on orgasm denial, please go here! 

Orgasm abuse happens and when there is something as serious as abuse on the line, we feel differently than we do about boundaries being crossed. 

We all react to pressure differently… especially when it comes to orgasm and when it comes to abuse. 

So when we are talking about orgasm abuse, for many reasons, a lot of people experience it and have kind of stage fright when it comes to discussing the sexual encounter(s). 

Maybe it’s happened to you before. You meet someone you’re interested in, things click, you progress along the intimacy scale, and eventually find yourselves in bed together.

Suddenly, when it’s time to experience what you assume to be pleasure, abuse happens instead. 

Your sexual partner may even assure you that it’s no big deal after it happens…

Still, it’s uncomfortable all the same. 

Don’t agonize too much over it in the moment, yet we’ve all been there when the thoughts come back…

Orgasm abuse is a real thing, and it’s not always what you think. 

Unfortunately, there’s a stigma around orgasm, therapy, abuse, and discussing uncomfortable or “negative” emotions. 

For some people, it threatens to shatter the image they portray of the world. 

Often, we EXPECT the people that we are with and talk to regularly to have a life more like a celebrity or a social media start than a human. 

Abuse even if there is orgasm can also be taken as a signal that you weren“into it” and your sexual partner at that time may even think that they pleased you.

As a sex therapist, I often suggest talking about it, setting a boundary that it was not ok, and then following through in action steps to be certain that this type of abuse does not happen again. 

You may wonder if you are quietly making this a bigger deal than it is.

If you told people, maybe then rejection would be on the horizon. 

Sex is a complicated, like a messy ice cream sundae, and orgasms are the cherry on top, right? 

Not really when it comes to orgasm abuse. Some people can be in a trauma state and still have an orgasm. 

Therefore, it is important and imperative to know your boundaries and your requests within sexuality. 

If you have been in a situation where you have been on either side of orgasm abuse, this isn’t easy to sit with. 

At times, you may need support. Let a certified sex therapist help if you need. 

If you need more support, please check out the video on how to recover after trauma. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Orgasm Denial

Orgasm Denial – How Not Getting Off Can Get You Off!

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Orgasm Denial – How Not Getting Off Can Get You Off!

 

Orgasm denial (sometimes called “orgasm abuse”) is sort of an umbrella term for any play- especially in power exchange relationships where orgasm is delayed, deprived, or even then “forced.” We can get into forced orgasm in another blog! 

This seems to contradict everything we believe in mainstream society about sexual pleasure – after all, isn’t orgasm SUPPOSED to be the ultimate pleasure during sex? 

Turns out, pleasure and pain are two sides of a similar coin, and how we experience both varies widely from person to person. 

Both pain and orgasm release endorphins and provide a kind of catharsis, and both involve some sort of tension and release. Pain can even be meditative, much like the focus needed to have or delay an orgasm! 

Pain isn’t always physical either. Pain can be psychological, such as intentionally and consensually building frustration or anger. 

Orgasm denial play can be a safe and consensual way to explore tension and release – or denying that release entirely. 

Orgasm Denial

 

Delaying Orgasms

Lets start with the least intimidating form of orgasm denial: erotic sexual denial. This can range from teasing to edging, or even delaying orgasms as a form of “punishment” and “reward” in submissive/dominant play scenes. 

This is a form of play that is easy to incorporate, and an easy introduction to playing with control and domination in a sexual context. Discuss beforehand with your partner what they want to try, or what you would like them to do to you!

  • Tickling is a very tolerable tension and release. Decide on a safe word, and have a tickle fight! If you’re both into it, you can play with how much is tolerated, and even incorporate tickling just as the receiver is about to climax for a sort of bait and switch. 
  • Try edging! This can be done with a partner or solo, and the basic idea is to come really close to orgasm and then stopping just before climax. This can be repeated as many or as few times as wanted, and it can make the final orgasm even more delicious! 

 

What is Orgasm Denial?

Orgasm denial is a form of play where you or your partner are taken right to the edge of orgasm, then never given the release. 

If it sounds frustrating, it is, however it can be so much fun if you are exploring BDSM and want to explore an entry level Dom or sub dynamic.

This can get as kinky as you like, and can be a simple appetizer of domination and control, or the entire entrée!

  • If you’re new to sub/dom, try using orgasm denial as a small part of a controlled scene. You can even decide that later on, outside of the proposed scenario you will get off- just not during the scene!
  • This doesn’t have to even be successful! Sometimes the act of telling someone they can’t cum is enough to send them over the edge with powerful orgasm. You can always punish them for it later! 😉
  • Orgasm denial can be as prolonged or as frequent as you and your partner want. Maybe after a single sexual encounter without orgasm you’ll decide to “allow” orgasms next time, or maybe it will never happen until a special occasion or decided event- whatever scenario suits you and your partner! Remember, it is all about the pleasure and pain of frustration and control/being controlled. 
  • If you are really into orgasm denial and want to incorporate toys, there are chastity devices for penises and vaginas alike so you can physically deny your partner an orgasm. Naughty!

Ask yourself if you want to be playing with orgasm denial! 

Ask yourself the critical question of: does my inner Dominant or submissive really vibe with my partners inner Dominant or submissive? Maybe! 

Maybe not! 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Hypersexuality

5 Must-Know Points about Hypersexuality [ARE YOU HYPERSEXUAL?]

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5 Must-Know Points about Hypersexuality [ARE YOU HYPERSEXUAL?]

 

Hypersexuality is difficult and a relatively new topic we hear about.

Due to “sex addiction,” some people report that we have to understand the difference between what hypersexuality is and what hypersexuality is not.

There is a negative correlation and a key reason couples struggle with hypersexuality is because they are shaming their partner as an addict.

In this video, we will teach what is hypersexuality, what hypersexuality is not, what are signs that you are hypersexual or some hypersexual signs to look out for.

I’m so glad that you are interested in joining us in this topic of Hypersexuality.

No more shame in your hypersexual side.

We hope you will take some of this advice to use for your own fun and pleasure!

My tips will hopefully break through months or years of frustration in strategies to solve your issue with being hypersexual!

I want you to experience no shame in your body.

Experience pleasure as fun!

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Watch now! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, PornHub, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, Playboy, Maxim, Daily Mail, HeadSpace, and more!

 

Watch more:

 

 

GET THE BEDROOM NEGOTIATIONS VANILLA & KINK CHECKLIST!

https://qrzbdtau.pages.infusionsoft.net  ←HERE

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

5 Labor Languages

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

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5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

 

Have you heard about 5 Labor Languages?

You may be here because you are looking for a 5 love language quiz to try. 

Here is the thing… I am a millennial therapist, so I talk about emotional, cognitive, physical, relational labor… and the idea of bringing those all to consciousness often. 

Through my experience in working with individuals and relationships, many people discuss the 5 love language quiz, yet they are still in therapy. 

I have learned that Labor Languages are FAR less talked about than it should be. 

So buckle up, today we are talking about “labor” instead of the 5 love language quiz! 

Before we begin, I want you to take stock of which pieces or aspects of labor in relationships (romantic and otherwise) you do!

 

Physical labor

Physical labor looks like what is done in a relationship that are often seen as tasks or chores. This labor could look like taking out the garbage, cleaning, organizing, yard work, physical intimacy, fixing things in shared space, cleaning the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. These are not all the ways to do physical labor, I am just noting some examples.

Physical labor requires one to do some physical or manual work. Often these tasks or chores are day to day (such as cleaning the kitchen or cooking) or multiple times per week (such as vacuuming)  or weekly (mowing the lawn) or larger tasks such as fixing something in the household, etc. 

Admittedly, this has not always been my personal strength, but I have used this as a growth edge for me. I have worked hard at building ways to increase my ability to engage in these type of labor and I am rocking it out!

 

Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is placing your own personal resources or energy into someone else’s emotions or feelings to support them in what may be occurring. This can be done through conversation, holding space for someone, physical reassurance, listening to them, communicating, etc. 

Emotional labor is one that we see in various types of relationships (not just romantic ones). I am very lucky as a therapist to have so many people in my life who are great at this and to have the skills to engage in this.

 

Cognitive Labor

Cognitive labor is often known as the “invisible” work in relationships. 

It is how someone organizes tasks, keeps the household running, and often includes planning, forethought, and looking at the big picture. 

Cognitive labor can look like running the family calendar, managing family finances, planning meals, scheduling appointments, organizing events, and coordinating with other systems (family, friends, daycare, etc.). 

Boom! This is 100% my strength in almost all my relationships. 

My friends and family know that when I am at my highest and best version of me, I am usually really engaged with cognitive (and emotional!) labor in my relationships. 

 

Relational Labor

Relational labor is a combination of all of the above listed ones. I say this because this is the labor where we have to communicate and work together in our relationships to engage in each of the above (physical, emotional, and cognitive). In relational labor, it is our responsibility to communicate, share, collaborate, and create within our relationships in order to make sure our needs are met within that relationship. Relational labor looks like having conversations about the relationship, setting boundaries, clarifying, and communicating. 

For me, this is a growth edge that I have had. There have been times in my life where I rocked at this and there have certainly been times in various relationships where I have struggled with this piece. I think it is important that we take stock and look at which relationships this was hardest to do and why. When I do that, I notice this has showed up in many of my friendships and because of my own traumas, me not engaging in this labor was for fear or loss so setting boundaries or talking about my needs was often so scary I didn’t address it.

 

Boom Shaka Laka – Bring the Unconscious to the Conscious!

Alright, now we have looked at each of these sections and we are sitting and considering which areas in which relationships are on point and which are a growth edge for us. Wahoo!

This is so important to reflect on because often times we unconsciously engage in this labor. When this labor is done unconsciously it can result in feelings of resentment towards others. The problem is, is if we are not conscious or aware of it we may not be able to truly communicate what is showing up for us – and if we cannot do that we are not going to feel fulfilled in our relationships. 

I urge you to bring the unconscious to the conscious. Reflect. Learn. Growth. Communicate. HEAL. Healing is a process, when we truly begin to do it – it looks like conscious, intentional, consensual growth. When we are unconsciously doing, we are not truly choosing or consenting. When we do not choose or consent, we resent and (re)experience trauma. When we choose and consent, we are empowered and work within our relationships to negotiate, collaborate, and create. 

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.