Grieving an Affair

Grieving An Affair: Being The Other Person

/in , /by

Grieving An Affair: Being The Other Person

 

When talking about grieving an affair, we rarely talk about how the third person feels in that scenario. We will talk about the poor wife or husband who didn’t have a clue what was happening behind their back. We will talk about the juicy details and comment with others. However, understanding how the other person feels and showing empathy for them is not as usual as it should be. 

So, instead of being quick to judge, let’s take a look at how one becomes the other person, how they feel during the affair and when they should end it.

The other person

We all dream of having the right person falling for us. We are helplessly in love with them, we marry them and we have a family with them. Yet, this sounds more like a fairy tale than a real scenario to those who have been dating for a while without success. Sometimes, regardless of being a man or a woman, you can even fall in love with a person that is already committed to another person.

You will try to resist it and not think about them, yet your feelings for that person will be strong, maybe even stronger than your decision not to see them again. So, you go for that coffee as you only want to talk to them and you convince yourself that what you are feeling will go away if you spend 30 minutes with this person. Unfortunately, you fall in love and become the other person.

You know you are not the person they come home to, cuddle in bed every morning before going off to work, and do everything else that you wish to do with them. The relationship they have with their partner is a bigger priority than your moments of passionate lovemaking, electrified conversations and endless illusions. 

And, as if these mixed feelings you have are not enough, you know that society will judge you, so you keep it a secret. Nobody will think about the way you feel as long as there is someone innocent in the story and you and your lover are the bad guys here. Incredibly unfair, right?

The lamb and the wolf

Usually, the affair starts somewhat similar to hunting. One person wants the other one for one or more reasons, and they start to hunt their prey. The person that is the prey is usually someone who is simply looking for love and has lower self-esteem. They might think they are not worthy of love because all of their friends are already married or they can’t get the attention of the people they like. There can be various reasons why someone will end up in a relationship like this. 

On the other hand, the wolf in this story knows what it wants. It will use flattery, manipulation, seduction, power, humor, intelligence and any other tool that will help it to hunt its prey. This dynamic of the lamb and the wolf is what attracts them to each other and as much as it’s an interesting game between them, it has its ugly side too. 

The other person knows that their existence is completely denied if a wife, friend or family member calls their lover. The other person will not be in the vacation photos that will later be shared with their friends or posted on Instagram. They will not be buying a home together and planning on how to decorate it. The other person stays in the shadows while their lover has another life with their couple. 

When it becomes too much to handle…

Affairs will happen regardless of what society thinks of them. Even your small circle of friends might have a strong opinion when it comes to infidelity, yet you might be caught in it. These things happen, but when it’s time to put an end to this and walk away? Here is a list of symptoms and situations you can use as a guide:

  • You only feel happy and in love when you are together. Once they leave, you immediately start feeling abandoned, sad, frustrated and/or hurt and it’s incredibly difficult to go back to your other activities. 
  • You spend your time spying on their online activities and sometimes, you are even stalking their partner to see what they are doing. You feel like you always need to know what’s happening in their lives.
  • You are comparing yourself with your lover’s partner. From the way you look and dress to the profession, earnings and hobbies. 
  • You try to start a fight over the phone when you’re not together because it hurts you to think they are happy, and you are left alone.
  • All of your plans will change if they wish to meet you. You might have planned something, yet as soon as your phone rings, everything around you disappears.

To simplify it, if it’s affecting you negatively in any way, it’s time to stop it. Maybe it was all fun and games until you fell in love and now you want commitment. If this happens, talk about it and explain that you cannot stay in this type of relationship anymore. If they are not willing to end it with their partner and focus only on you, they are not worth your time nor love. 

Focus on your healing process

Can you heal from being the other person? It might seem difficult, yet it’s not impossible. Most people who decide to have an affair when faced with challenges and doubts will feel completely alone as they need to keep their affair a secret. So, what can you actually do?

If you don’t feel ready to end it at the moment, that’s completely fine. Take a few days for yourself or you can even plan a short vacation. Think about what type of relationship you actually need and the partner you wish to have in your life. You can write it all down on a piece of paper or on your phone to understand what you are looking for. Once you know what you want, it’s easier to let go of something that doesn’t meet your criteria. 

Remind yourself who you were before you met this person and got caught up in this affair. How did you spend your free time? Did you use to go out with your friends on the weekends? Were you passionate about art, visiting concerts or maybe spending time with your family? Think about these things and start practicing them more and you’ll notice how the feeling of loneliness and sadness is slowly disappearing. 

As much as you want to keep this a secret, you probably have one person in your life who will listen to you without judging. It might be your best friend, cousin, neighbor or even your mother or father. Getting the support you need will help you make the right decisions and take care of yourself. After all, to love someone you need to learn how to love yourself first!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

How To Catch A Cheater

How To Catch A Cheater

/in , /by

How To Catch A Cheater

 

If you’ve even been suspicious of your partner’s whereabouts, knowing how to catch a cheater should be a part of your love skillset. Usually, when your gut is telling you there is something wrong, it is because there is, yet it’s not easy to make decisions solely based on that, right? You will maybe notice subtle changes in your partner’s appearance, from being absent from home to being very protective of their phone or computer.

Let’s face it, with all these dating apps around us, it’s quite easy to find another person and even easier to cover your tracks. However, there is still a lot one can do to find out whether their partner is cheating on them or not. From looking closely at how they are with their phone to analyzing your intimate moments, here is what you will need to do if you want to find out if your partner is a cheater. 

 

Study Their Behavior When on Phone

Your friends might advise you to start checking your partner’s phone when they are not around and as much as this could provide you with more information, try to avoid it. Once you start going through their messages, phone calls and social media accounts, you will become addicted to the idea of checking it constantly. Even if nothing is happening and your partner is not cheating on you, you will be more focused on going through their phone than enjoying a beautiful moment with them. 

Instead, try to be more observant of their behavior when they are on their phone. What has changed? Maybe they are spending more time on their phone than usual or they are going to another room to take the calls. Be direct, ask who they are texting with or who is calling them, yet avoid sounding suspicious or jealous. Also, think about the time this person is calling your partner. For instance, if their coworker is calling them late and you know they usually don’t work at these hours, ask why they are calling and if everything is alright.

Another trick that a cheater will usually use is to change the name of the person they are seeing to something that will not raise suspicions, such as John from legal or Sarah from yoga. That’s why you must consider the time of the interaction and how your partner behaves before, during and after that interaction.

 

Review Their Social Media Accounts

Again a big ‘NO’ to hacking social media accounts as you will not be able to stop yourself and soon, you’ll be reading conversations your partner had with their ex five years ago and become upset about it. Just by visiting their social media accounts, you will be able to find a clue of infidelity if your partner is a person that shares a lot of details about their life on Facebook or Instagram. Of course, don’t expect they will publish a photo with the other person in the background, yet you might spot some other things.

For those who like to impress on social media, once they meet a new person and want to impress them, they will likely publish selfies, gym photos, their car, apartment or anything else that might show them as a great catch. You will probably not be able to find likes or comments from the other person on your partner’s profile, yet once you see they have changed their act on social media, it’s typically for a good reason.

This type of person will avoid publishing photos of you two, although they have maybe done it previously. So, take a cute photo with your partner and ask them nicely to post it on their social media just to see their reaction. If they post it yet don’t feel good about it, maybe it’s time to start being more observant of other signs of infidelity. If your partner doesn’t care much about social media, looking for signs there will be a waste of your time.

 

Changes in Lifestyle

Your partner will probably not buy a new car when they start seeing someone, yet other smaller things might change. For instance, they might purchase new clothes and spend more time getting ready to go to work or for dinner with friends. They might enroll in the gym even though they never showed interest in it before. Anything that doesn’t correlate with their personality and their personal objectives, be suspicious of it. 

Also, changes in your relationships might happen due to another person. If they always had dinner with you after a long day at work and suddenly, they are no longer interested or available, your partner could be cheating you. Ask yourself also what other aspects of your relationship have changed. Do they still try to spend their free time with you or have they found another hobby that’s taking most of their time? Are they still talking about the same plans you both had for the future?

 

Loss of Intimacy

If your partner is seeing another person, it will be quite challenging to keep the passion alive at home and in the streets. Most of the time, the cheater will have less motivation to have sex with their partner or to even talk in bed before going to sleep. Think about any of the intimate moments you used to share and enjoy and analyze if something changed. 

For instance, you both used to love drinking coffee in the morning and talking about everything, and now you cannot remember when was the last time you did that. If they are avoiding spending time with you, something is happening. Yet, don’t jump to conclusions. Make sure you are not feeling insecure due to your personal issues and whatever you decide to do, don’t attack your partner.

The reason why you shouldn’t attack is also that it will be different to study their behavior and body language. When someone is caught cheating, it’s never a pleasant situation, so you should be calm and rational to notice all the possible signs. And don’t skip the conversation and break up with them, each person deserves a chance to explain. Whatever the outcome, make sure you do all you can from your end.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

intimacy coaching

Intimacy Coaching & Best Techniques To be Intimate with Your Partner

/in , , /by

Intimacy Coaching & Best Techniques To be Intimate with Your Partner

If you’re striving to feel free and more connected with your partner, you should consider intimacy coaching. Although we all know that intimacy is key in every relationship. Understanding what intimacy actually is and how to achieve it is not as easy as it seems. The reason for that is our past experiences where we’ve gotten hurt emotionally and/or physically. This led to fear of being intimate with another person and is a consequential issue for the majority of couples.

 

What does an intimacy coach do?

An intimacy coach is a person who will eliminate this intimacy blockage for you and help you feel safer and more connected to your lover or partner. By developing a sense of safety in their clients, intimacy coaches are replacing those unpleasant experiences by creating new. Positive ones. 

Being guided by an expert, a person will develop a greater sense of closeness, become more aware of their own emotions. As well as of other people’s emotions. All of this leads 

to healing attachment wounds which are not allowing people to connect on a deeper level with each other.

 

Understanding your fear of intimacy

You don’t have to be aware of your intimacy triggers before going into the session with your intimacy coach, yet realizing what is causing your fear is the first step to healing. As we are born with the need to connect and share with others. Something must happen in order to disconnect ourselves from that need. In reality, that need to connect and share never disappears, we just disconnect from it because something or someone hurt us before.

Because of the fear of intimacy, you will feel afraid when thinking of starting a new relationship or expressing your feelings during a discussion with your best friend, for instance. 

However, where there is fear, there is an opportunity for healing. More importantly, you don’t have to go down that road alone. An intimacy coach will turn it into an explorative experience rather than painful, ensuring you feel safe and nurtured during the process.

 

Intimacy Risk Factors

Our first intimate interaction is with our family. Often, these families are not healthy and safe environments for children to learn about intimacy. Some of the most common examples are: 

  • Blurred boundaries and roles in the family: Everything might seem perfect at first glance, yet some family members won’t fulfil their role responsibility. 
  • Emotional and/or physical neglect: Parents who are not there for their children – emotionally or physically – are teaching them they can’t rely on others. 
  • Parent loss: A feeling of abandonment will appear where a parent has been lost through death, divorce or any other event. 
  • Parent illness: Having an ill parent can lead to intimacy issues as the child takes on the role of the parent and cares for others in the family, sometimes including the ill parent as well. 

Unfortunately, there are many more risk factors such as verbal, physical or sexual abuse, parent substance use or any other type of addiction, yet regardless of the cause, each person can learn how to be intimate with their significant other. 

 

How to cope with intimacy issues? 

There are several crucial steps on the path of restoring intimacy with intimacy coaching. It’s worth saying that intimacy issues can only be solved once the person starts connecting again with their intimacy. Once you understand what caused you pain and disconnection from others, you will be able to change your patterns and feel safer during interactions.

To feel connected with others, here are the techniques that will create positive sensations and experiences and finally heal the intimacy issue a person has:

Embrace the uncertainty 

What if someone tells you that the most beautiful aspect of life is that you actually can’t plan or predict anything? The walls you have built in your childhood have been protecting you as a child, yet they don’t serve you anymore. You have created the illusion that you are safer when you are not engaging with others when in reality. That illusion is taking something incredibly valuable from you. With an intimacy coach, you will practice courage, and it will become easier to invest in new relationships without feeling like you are risking your wellbeing.

 

Accept yourself first

Under the fear of intimacy lies the fear of not being worthy of a connection with someone. If you’re afraid to express your feelings to your partner, you are probably not allowing yourself fully to feel them. It’s not easy to become comfortable with all your emotions. Yet it will be harder if you expect from others something you are not able to give yourself first. 

Congratulate yourself when you make that step towards others instead of focusing on the outcome. For instance, inviting someone to go for a walk will be less terrifying once you celebrate the achievement of solely inviting someone instead of waiting for their response. After all, once your focus changes, you will no longer care that much about the outcome. 

 

Write a letter to yourself from the past

You have probably heard this technique quite a few times, yet have you ever tried it? It’s incredibly powerful to take a walk into your past and talk to yourself as if you were two friends sitting on the school bench sharing secrets. What would you say to that little kid? Maybe it will be to speak up more when the opportunity presents. To accept every birthday party invitation although there’s not enough money in the house to buy a present or to write all those fiction stories down and practice its creativity? 

 

Determine what you want

In reality, it’s not so much what you want, it’s what you DON’T want. Maybe the feeling of anxiety comes because all your friends are married and you can’t find the person you wish to share your life with? Before blaming it all on yourself, ask yourself if this is something you want. Sometimes, we will try to be what we think we should be instead of doing things that truly make us happy. Keep in mind that the only person that always deserves your unconditional intimacy is you.

 

Practice patience

This is maybe the hardest technique of them all, yet it’s also the most important one. If you don’t practice patience, it will be difficult to progress. Putting too many expectations on yourself when you’re coping with something so vulnerable as your intimacy can only make things worse for you. Be patient. It will take some time and that’s perfectly fine. You have spent various years in unhealthy environments which led to fear of intimacy. So expecting this fear to disappear quickly is simply not rational.

 

Quick intimacy tips for couples

Let’s be clear, fear of intimacy can only be cured if someone like an intimacy coach has helped you understand what caused your fear and provide you with the tools to connect with others and feel good during it. However, there are several things that you can start practicing with your partner daily if you’re both looking to resolve your intimacy issues:

  • Hold hands more often. 
  • Be more emotionally aware and vulnerable during sex.
  • Initiate sex differently. 
  • Plan out your time together.
  • Every month, try out an activity that’s new for both of you. 
  • Talk about your relationship – share ideas, dreams, fears, etc.
  • Focus more on seduction instead of sex. 

 

A step to intimacy…

Don’t stop just by reading this article. You are worth every connection you wish to make in your life. You have every right to share your feelings with someone who will appreciate it and feel honoured you trust them so much. The more you start practicing being open to new people and experiences. This fear will slowly disappear and you will start enjoying connecting and sharing with those important to you.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Doggy Style: Traditional vs New Ways

/in , /by

Doggy Style: Traditional vs New Ways

 

If you’re one of the couples who love perfecting every position in sex to make the most of it, when was the last time you both enjoyed a classic doggy style? If it’s been a while, you should definitely reconsider it, yet with a twist. 

Traditional doggy style is one of the positions in sex that provides both men and women with great pleasure. The reason for it is that doggy-style sex will give you the deepest penetration, and is also quite easy to reach the G-spot with it. Besides the pleasure, doggy style is also a great way to switch from that boring missionary pose. And, if you thought that doggy-style sex comes only in the traditional, on-all-fours way, you are sooooo wrong!

 

Traditional Doggy Style

After the missionary position, the doggy style is one of the most popular sex positions for the majority of couples. Some start their sex with it, while others turn to it to have a spectacular orgasm. Whatever your preferences are, doggy style is something that deserves more creativity than we normally give it.

So, what is a classic doggy style? As you probably know, it’s a sex position where one person is on all four and the other one is penetrating from behind. Doggy style is your go-to position no matter which type of sex you prefer – vaginal or anal. yet, if you’re already tired of the classic version, it’s completely understandable. Nobody likes routine in bed, so take a look at new ways to flavour your favorite position.

 

Outside-The-Bedroom Doggy Style

We all tend to imagine doggy style on the bed, one person on all fours and the other one behind, right? Well, only if you want it that way! You can also try it in the shower, on a staircase, kitchen counter, dryer or anywhere else you desire. Just make sure you and your partner have privacy and you can enjoy the position in any way you like, and you’ll be more than fine. 

So, if you’re doggy-style sex has turned into a boring routine, just get off the bed and find the alternative solution. Today, it can be in the house, and tomorrow you can even try it in your car, backyard, or go for more public spaces – if that’s your thing. 

 

The Pillow Trick

This is not a new doggy-style pose, yet it sure will bring you so much pleasure that it will become your favorite thing to do during sex. Put a few wedge or firm pillows under your belly once you are on all fours. This will increase external pressure on your abdomen and pelvis providing you with incredible sensations during sex. Make sure you keep your hips as high as possible while resting your head and arms on the bed if you’d like an incredible orgasm as well. 

 

In Front of the Mirror

Although many women will say that doggy pose doesn’t make them feel sexy, men will actually say quite the opposite. To change your mind about it and allow yourself to enjoy the doggy-style sex, why don’t you try it in front of the mirror? Make eye contact with your partner while doing it, explore how the position looks from other angles and simply admire your bodies in action!

 

The Anal Game

Have you tried anal sex before? If you’re into it, the doggy style is the easiest way to switch from vaginal to anal sex. You don’t have to change positions, yet always make sure to switch the condom to avoid any type of infection. Also, if it’s your first time trying anal sex, use a sufficient amount of lube and take it slow. Doing it at your own pace will result in excitement you will definitely want to repeat. 

 

Don’t Skip the Foreplay

If you’re really into the doggy style, why don’t your entire sex be in that one position? Start with nice foreplay where you and your partner will heat things up and prepare yourselves for doggy-style sex. Don’t skip this step and just jump into the position as doggy style can get pretty intense and it might be unpleasant or even painful if you’re not properly prepared. If you need a little bit of encouragement, prepare a lubricant and spend around 5 to 10 minutes touching erogenous zones to make the experience even more exciting. 

 

Make it Enjoyable

You are probably already enjoying doggy style, yet you can always enjoy it a little bit more, right? Do it somewhere where you haven’t done it before, use a prop such as a rope to tie your hands together, play with your fingers before and during sex, use lube as a foreplay prop, etc. The options are really limitless, yet there’s one rule – you need to enjoy it. Every position is an excellent sex experience only if both of you are enjoying it. 

For those who are having the doggy style for the first time, you should also practice deep breathing. Not only will it calm you down and relax your body, yet it will also turn the penetration into an enjoyable moment. Feeling awkward or in pain at the start of the intercourse is a bad start. The pleasure will not solely appear once your partner has penetrated, you will need to learn how to relax and surrender yourself to it.

 

A Final Word or Two…

It’s perfectly normal for you to not like this position. We all have different tastes and we like different things in life, so it’s only natural that we aren’t all into the same sex things. yet, it’s one thing not to love doing it doggy style because you cannot get an orgasm from it or it’s not exciting for you, and completely another if you’re curious to explore it, yet something is preventing you from giving it a try.

Don’t take it too seriously. You have every right to explore your sexual creativity, get to know your partner through sex and discover some new things about you along the way! 

 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

become an LMFT

How to Become an LMFT

/in , /by

How to Become an LMFT

 

How does one become an LMFT? 

Great question – and we get asked how do therapists become therapists ALL the time! 

I am often asked how to become a therapist and what path I took to become one. There are often a lot of assumptions surrounding the process. And so I wanted to offer some insight for people who either want to become one, have a therapist, or just are generally curious. 

There is not one way to become a therapist. There are several different paths to accomplish this. First and foremost, you have to complete a bachelor’s degree and at least a masters and in some cases a doctorate. By and large, most therapists have a Master’s degree in some specific type of therapy or counseling. 

 

Therapists who Prescribe

Although not as common, therapists that prescribe are usually Psychiatrists (MD) or Advanced Practice Registered Nurse (APRN) or Psychiatric Nurse. Some of these practitioners may engage in some counseling, but often it seems that they work in conjunction with a therapist to help support a client/patient in the medication therapy. In order to be in either of these roles requires various certifications and training and/or medical school (in the case of the Psychiatrist). Obviously time to accomplish these certifications varies based on trajectory but can be anywhere from 3 to 8 years. 

 

Therapists who Conduct Assessments

Most therapists conduct some level of assessments in their practice. These can range from intake assessments and ongoing assessments to identify appropriate diagnosis and course of treatment for their clients. 

Psychologists (Masters or Doctor of Philosophy) and Doctors of Psychology (PsyD or PhD) often specialize in various areas of standardized assessments or testing. This can include things like neuropsychological exams, learning disabilities, mental status and cognitive testing, etc. Commonly we see these types of therapists or psychologists connected with universities, school systems, or medical facilities (hospitals, etc). 

Psychology is a broad field, but in terms of therapy we typically see a Masters, Psychology Doctorate, or Doctorate of Philosophy connected to Clinical Psychology. Clinical psychology focuses on treatment and assessment of emotional, mental, and behavioral disorders. In order to engage in this type of practice, you must complete a masters degree of usually 3 years or a doctoral degree of 4+ years. 

 

Therapists and Counselors

When we think of therapists we more commonly think of therapists who received Masters or Doctorate Degrees in Social Work (LCSW),  Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Clinical Psychologists (PsyD or PhD) or Professional Counselors (LPC). Each of these specialities focus on providing clinical services, therapy, and counseling to their clients. Many of these therapists have different specializations and certifications to support their practice whether that is in substance abuse treatment, trauma treatment, sex therapy, couples therapy, etc. Although, each may have specialties, generally, each degree allows for therapists and counselors to be able to practice individual, group, or relational therapy in a clinical setting. In addition to case management and assessment. 

Below I have described the most common types of therapists noted above. 

  • Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) 
      • A LCSW is someone who has completed their Masters or Doctorate degree in Social work. A licensed clinical social worker focuses on the clinical aspects of social work rather than other concentration areas of community organization, case management, or other social work tracks. Simply completing a social work degree does not necessarily mean that they are therapists or clinicians
  • Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
      • I am totally biased on this one because this is what my degree and specialization is in. A person who is a LMFT has a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy or in a related area with a concentration in MFT. This training focuses specifically on relational therapy and systemic thinking. This degree is predominately clinical and is often connected to family therapy or couples therapy.
  • Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC)
    • A person who is an LPC may have a Master’s Degree in various fields (school counseling, general counseling, psychology, etc). LPC’s are trained in a variety of clinical practices depending on their base degree, but are predominantly clinical professionals. Often specializing in individual, group, and substance abuse treatments. 

These tracks vary in requirements, however on average Master’s Levels Programs take about three years to complete and an additional two years to become licensed. In addition to our degrees, licenses, and certifications we are also required to take a certain number of Continued Education (CE) courses each year to be sure we are remaining up to date with our clinical practice. This is not the case for all practitioners. 

 

Typical Requirements to be a Licensed Practitioner

Although this varies state to state and is also dependent on the type of clinical degree you have. Generally the following criteria has to be met: 

  • Completion of Masters or higher degree
    • Practicum (supervised clinical experience)
    • Internship (a clinical experience unpaid in the field)
    • Specific amount of clinical hours (sometimes specified by individual, group, relational, and/or case management)
    • Specific amount of supervision by licensed professional
    •  Usually somewhere around 50-60+ credits hours
    • Coursework in clinical, developmental, and theoretical models of treatment
    • Thesis or Capstone presentation on your therapeutic methods and/or research
  • Post graduate Clinical Hours (usually about a year or two of clinical or case management experience)
  • Post graduate supervision hours (supervised by a licensed clinical practitioner within your field)
  • Successful Completion of Exam (Licensure or Board Certification) with passing score

 

State Licensure

Each state has different requirements for licensure and are also dependent on the type of clinician/therapist you are. Some licenses are more transferable than others across states. It is important before getting licensed in specific state that you research what your state requires in way of credits from masters, hours, and Continuing Education Credits, etc (see above). 

In Connecticut, we pay $320 per year to maintain a license and need a specific amount of Continuing Education Credits (CEs) per year. There are also certain types of CE’s that we are required to have. For instance, in MFT we need to get a certain amount of CE’s surrounding veterans and diversity. 

 

Insurances

As with other medical providers, in order to accept insurances therapists have to be paneled with each specific insurance company. Each insurance company has its own contracted rate for each provider based on credentials and area of service. Credentialing with insurance companies can be time consuming and arduous for therapists. 

Therapists can choose to contract with different insurance companies based on their access to patients, reimbursement rates, etc. If therapists do not want to contract with a specific company, they do not have to. They are still able to work with clients with that insurance company but charge a private pay rate and the client can bill their insurance for full or partial reimbursement or bill towards their deductible if they have one.

 

Associations

In addition to licensure and insurances, therapists also usually associate with various associations which require their own benefits and memberships. These can be general based on educational/certifcation background or specializations such as sexuality, trauma, addiction, couples, etc. 

Some of the most common ones are:

There are also associations for people based on their specialities, some of these include: 

These are some examples above, however there are many that have more specifications and more general. Each association allows various benefits, resources, and membership requirements. As therapists, we maintain various certifications and associations to support having the most up to date information within the mental health field. 

Obviously this is a broad overview on how to become a practicing therapist and clinician. Basically, we do a lot of work to become therapists and maintain our abilities to practice clinically. 

If you need help finding a therapist for you, feel free to reach out and we are happy to help you here at LCAT! We are a staff of LPC, LCSW, and LMFT’s (now you know what these mean!). 

Learn more about CE for therapists – learn unique couples counseling and sex therapy methodologies to help you with your clients.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Dating a Liar

Are You Dating a Liar?

/in , /by

Are You Dating a Liar?

 

We all have omitted truths at times, yet are you dating a liar? 

Whether it’s a white lie or something small to children, all lie from time to time. 

When you are in a relationship trust and truth are the building blocks for a solid foundation for lifelong relationships. 

Therefore, lies can be like a crane and destroy the foundation you spent your whole relationship building.  Often, it is easy to lose sight of what might be true or false in life, especially when it comes to relationships. 

 

Here are some signs you are dating a liar.

They lie frequently– We all know we should trust our gut instincts. If your immediate thought is that the person you are talking to is lying to you, you are probably right. Actually, compulsive liars will lie about all things. Similarly, their lies are subtle, so they may go unnoticed.  This can make it difficult to tell when they are telling the truth or not.

They are seeking attention– If the person you are talking to seeks attention in an overwhelming way, they may be a liar. Liars may bend the truth as a way to try and impress you and those around you. Sometimes, you will notice that they act like a child constantly implying “look at me! Pay attention!”

They have self-esteem issues– More times than not, the reason people lie is because they want to avoid certain realities or perceptions about themselves. Lying gives them a sense of ego-boosting power. They can be whoever they want to be, if they lie about it.

Their body language is telling– You can learn about a person solely through his or her body language. For “beginner” liars, they may not look you in the eye. They will always try to avoid eye contact by looking away or at the floor. The more comfortable a liar becomes they can manage to stare straight in your eyes and continue to lie.  Other body language signs are standing with their arms crossed or simply turning away from you because they do not want to look at you. In extreme cases, people will start to sweat because they are so nervous about lying.

Their stories change– The problem with liars is even they cannot keep their stories straight. They might tell you a story and it has a totally different plot and ending compared to the ones they share in front of others. Or they will tell you one story today and tomorrow the same story will be completely different. They are known for being great storytellers.

They are unable to confront the truth– Compulsive liars have the inability to confront the truth. Liars will not admit to the truth no matter how much you beg them to or confront them with evidence. Once they have told one lie, they feel like it is their duty to stick to it. Even if you know the 100 percent absolute truth about something, they will still convince you that you are wrong and they are right.

You can sense a “relationship rut”- If you see your intimacy has reached a low point, where perhaps you are not emotionally connecting, spending adequate time together, participating in engaging conversation or showing much affection, then a rut is likely and your partner could be compelled to start lying to you.

They speak in an emotionally unstable way–  If your partner’s phrasing, tone and emotional language is off, then it’s possible that he or she is lying to you. It might be shown as erratic outbursts, shaky tones, and weirdly constructive and defensive statements. Conversations are supposed to be a comfortable and familiar place with each other, so if your partner’s language is odd, keep your guard up.

They are overly secretive– If your partner is overly secretive or shady, such as he or she is always heading to the shower upon arriving home, pays mostly in cash, has different sets of keys, or even has different cell phones or numbers then it might mean something is up.

If any of these signs sound familiar, do yourself a favor and get out. Walking away won’t be enough because every time you try to leave, their lies may convince you to stay. 

The longer you stay in a relationship with a compulsive liar, the more complicated the relationship will become. Continuing to build a relationship on lies will make the foundation crumble. This eventually will lead to a verbally abusive relationship. Please be aware that not all abusive relationships involve physical or sexual abuse. 

The lies can create damage to the core of your relationship. Lies are not easy to spot, especially during the “honeymoon” phase, and it is easy to overlook them. We tend to dismiss thoughts which are unpleasant, as we just want to feel happy with the people we are with.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

non monogamous meaning

Non Monogamous Meaning Explained! 

/in , /by

Non Monogamous Meaning Explained! 

 

Please raise your hand if you are confused about the non monogamous meaning of romantic relationships. 

When asked about what non monogamous means, there are a variety of responses. 

In general, a non monogamous relationship means that individuals, single or within a couple, are able to love and / or connect sexually with more than one person. 

There are various types of non monogamous relationships with various meanings, and it’s important to know what they mean because non monogamous romantic relationships are complicated. 

There are a variety of non monogamous meaning definitions to learn: 

  • Monogamish – (brought to you by Dan Savage) which means mostly monogamous with some wiggle room in terms of their fidelity. So basically, it means monogamous with exceptions. 
  • Polyamory – more than one committed or love based relationship. This is also called “poly” or “polyam” in the community. 
  • Solo-Poly – more than one committed relationship with no hierarchy or primaries assigned. Primary relationship would be with oneself.
  • Kinky Play Partners – partners agreeing to a negotiated commitment of time, service, and an exchange of some sort. It can be once, yet often this term means it is ongoing. This arrangement can be based on love, friendship, and / or shared interest in some type of kink. 
  • Intentional Community – known as “communes” at times. A planned community designed to have a degree of cohesion and teamwork, where they share resources. This design may include non-monogamous relationship structures where individuals sleep in different bedrooms on different nights of the week.

What Do These Have In Common?

Non monogamous meaning to relationships includes communicating openly and honestly with all partner(s), even if you would rather avoid it. 

non monogamous meaning

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Gray Divorce

/in , /by

Gray Divorce On The Rise

 

Recently the New York Times discussed a new phenomena known as “Gray Divorce”. Gray Divorce is a trend being seen of people over 50 getting divorced. And seemingly correlating with “empty nests” (after the children leave the home) and a variety of other factors.

The gray divorce trend seems to indicate that divorce rates generally are decreasing. However, among “boomers” and older folks, the divorce rates are increasing. Gray divorce means that long-term marriages of decades and are now divorcing at higher rates than expected.

The issues faced by this age group getting divorced overlap with reasons the general populations divorces. However, the impact is different. If you divorce younger, the financial and social impacts can be different.

 

Social and Financial Impacts

In divorces where people are older, we are seeing really challenging financial and social experiences.

Financially, many people at this stage in life are close to or in retirement. Which is making it extremely difficult to divide assets and can drastically shift plans people have to retire. If the couple has already retired, a divorce during retirement reverberates into a some really difficult and significant changes in each partner’s standard of living. Some people have to return to work or grieve what they anticipated retirement to look like for them.

The social impact is also unique in gray divorce as couple’s often have an established social network or already experiencing a reduction of socialization. Either of which can create some difficult circumstances for navigating a divorce. Often couples divorcing end up having friends and family choosing sides which can reduce social contact. And connection for each partner in the process. And increase tension and conflict at gatherings and functions where both parties are there.

 

Retirement and “The Empty Nest”

Retirement and the “empty nest” can create a significant change within the relationship. Both things individually are monumental shifts in people’s lives.

For years, work and family have been the focus in the relationship and when both those things shift couple’s are finding less satisfaction and less in common. This can the experience of “falling out of love” or wanting to different futures as it comes to their “golden years.”

Often, we see that the couple has focused much of their resources on work and family and over the years did not grow and change together. As children moved out and they retired this becomes more noticeable as there is less “distraction” from the couple’s relationship themselves.

Couple’s report that they have become more disconnected and their life became much more quiet or calm, leaving the relationship and marriage feeling quiet and disconnected.

 

New Relationships – Partnering / Re-partnering

Whether the new relationship is the catalyst for the divorce (engaging in emotional or physical infidelity). Or if the new relationship comes after the divorce there is quite a bit of challenges. If one or both people have new relationships, because of the long term nature of the previous relationship (or marriage) it is often more difficult for the family and friends to adjust to new partners. Often times, we see further conflict or tension in the family and community system as people engage in new relationships.

In the event of infidelity, the partner who engaged in the infidelity has the most difficulty, as they are blamed for “breaking up the family”. Unfortunately, this results in children, family, and friends that may refuse to be part of the relationship if they continue to see affair partner.

For the partner who did not engage in the affair, there is often varying levels of trauma that occur. They often received a lot of support. However, they may struggle with the emotional and relational components moving forward.

Regardless of how the new relationships started, this is extremely difficult in the event of a “gray divorce.”

 

Trauma and Grief

As you age, grief becomes an ever present part of life. Grief is the process of loss and could be a divorce, death, unemployment, and / or loss of connection.

In the case of gray divorce, it is the loss of what you expected in the “golden years”. Sometimes, loneliness is a common feeling for those grieving.

This grief and depression may be symptoms of greater trauma in life transitions. For example, when you are over 50 and getting divorced, there may be fear. That fear, in addition to the massive shifting, can create levels of trauma and difficulty. People going through divorce are recommended to seek therapy, and this population is no exception.

high conflict divorce - decreasing resentment webinar

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

IAM Communication

Using IAM Communication to negotiate for a Win – Win

/in , /by

Using IAM Communication to negotiate for a Win – Win

By Francesca Gentille & Edited by Amanda Pasciucco

 

Have you heard of IAM Communication?

For some of us, due to lack of attunement in childhood, attachment fears, hypervigilance and projections can cause communication issues. 

The Inner Aspects Method (IAM) created by Francesca Gentille discusses trauma triggers and missing skill sets so our relationships can thrive.

Instead of giving up or giving in, begin to question how you used to negotiate. In the beginning of the relationship, what was different? 

You may wonder how the relationship transformed from loving to where it is. 

It is difficult to find ways to collaborate that are connective. 

 

Most people were not taught how to do so. 

In most cases, caretakers used the “Old Paradigm” ways of raising children or talking to one another. 

These common yet dysfunctional communication styles view The Other (unconsciously) as an enemy or a flawed being that needs to be controlled, or punished. 

You may recognize some of these common, yet dysfunctional statements: 

  • You don’t get to!
  • Back off!
  • Who do you think you are?
  • I’m in charge. 
  • As long as you’re under my roof, you will do things my way. 

 

To collaborate and get creative in designing a win-win relationship is entering a New Paradigm. 

For many, it will take healing in some way to reduce reactivity to sensitized projections. 

In the New Paradigm, others we choose are friends, collaborators, and co-researchers in life as to what might work. Therefore, release knowing what is right or wrong. This is a journey of discovery to something new. 

Similarly, training in healthy forms of communication, like the ¨Non-Violent Communication¨ designed by psychotherapist Marshall Rosenberg (www.CNVC.org), may be helpful. 

 

Functional Adult Qualities:

  • Collaborative
  • Creative
  • Consensual 
  • Able to postpone immediate gratification
  • Able to grow at edges of comfort to give toward the relationship without resentment

 

From the Wise Functional Adult State we can ask ourselves and one another:

  1. How could it work?
  2. What else is possible?
  3. On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is this strategy, desire, wish to you (or to myself)?
  4. What is the underlying need that this is designed to fulfill?

A favorite phrase to ask as an empowered, functional adult is something like “would you be willing to collaborate with me to get BOTH our needs met? Then, we can then brainstorm possible options together.”

We might choose to try on a particular strategy for a week, a month, a couple months or some other period of time. Sometimes it feels easier to experiment for a limited time period than commit indefinitely. 

I recommend thinking of being collaborators and Field Researchers in the experiment of love and life. With a compassionate, creative, open mind, so much is possible!

We might take turns as to whose strategies get to lead, or base the decision as a couple on who has the most need (scale of 1 to 10). Also, consider professional guidance, support, mediation, coaching, or psychotherapy. 

We will make mistakes. Once we have agreements we will find out that not all of them were realistic or workable. I appreciate how this is described in The 5 Reasons Agreements Fail by Dawn Davidson. 

 

If we find it difficult to forgive or trust our partner, it is time to go back into therapy and-or other healing modalities. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Queerplatonic

Situationships: Queerplatonic or The Bond of Intimate Friendship?

/in , /by

Situationships: Queerplatonic or The Bond of Intimate Friendship?

 

Queerplatonic or The Bond of Intimate Friendship?

If your mental health is causing you to struggle in your friendships, this is the how-to guide on responding when your friendships are struggling. 

Most common friendship myths: 

  • Friends do not move to cities, states, and/or countries to be with each other.
  • They do not celebrate anniversaries or special moments within their relationship.
  • Friends do not love as strongly as romantic partners. 

In one way or another, open communication is needed in all friendships, situationships, partnerships, and relationships. 

Queerplatonic is an umbrella term for relationships that differ (or “queer”) away from the platonic; therefore, bending the rules on what is considered acceptable or not. 

No two queerplatonic relationships are exactly alike, yet they break the idea of what is “normal.”

 

Queerplatonic situationships or friendships may (or may not):

  • go on “dates” or celebrate milestones
  • be emergency contacts
  • have shows together that are “theirs”
  • dedicate songs to one another
  • give each other cards
  • be physically affectionate; such as hug or cuddle often
  • kiss each other (on the lips, top of the head, forehead) 
  • live together or share a bed
  • plan vacations together 
  • partner exclusively or non monogamous
  • care about each other’s opinion of romantic partners

Typically, a queerplatonic relatedness values intimacy and loyalty.

If you are having difficulties in one of your queer platonic relatinoships, outline what would make it feel better. 

Discuss what your needs are and what you may be desiring. 

 

Example of Healthy Conversation in Friendships: 

At times, our friends will feel something is happening with us, and they may check in. If a queer platonic friend checks in, and says something like “I feel off. Are you mad?” that will likely cause reactions in the person they are speaking to. 

No matter what the bond, first responses to personal statements may feel uncomfortable or even unhealthy. 

In a healthy connection, saying something like:

“the part that is showing up is disappointed you are not understanding me. The story I am telling myself is that I am not clear and confusing. I am not feeling off in a blaming or disappointed sense towards you. I feel frustrated internally that as evidenced by your responses, you are not understanding me. This reminds me of when I was a child… so that has me pull back and that’s probably why you feel something is off.” 

Then, give them an appreciation of “thank you for checking in.” 

 

Followed with an attuning question, “what is going on for you when you hear me say this?” 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Communication exercizes for couples

Communication exercizes for couples using Inner Aspects Method

/in , /by

Communication exercizes for couples using Inner Aspects Method

 

When you think of Communication exercizes for couples, you often think of what your partner could do to be better. 

Sometimes, we can sit with our couples therapist and ask for exercises, yet we think that our partner is in the wrong. 

A part of you may be young and scared to show that you too have messed up, and feel something like “Am I safe to say this?” 

Or you could have a part of you that is a rebellious teen saying, “you know, my partner made me go to this therapy session, but I really don’t want to be here.”

Think about all these various parts of you and bring up a picture that represents what your inner aspects look like. 

What’s actually going on inside your mind? 

Who is in bed in your head? 

The Inner Aspects Method (IAM) created by Francesca Gentille is a way to bridge between the personal, the clinical, and the deeper subconscious parts of self. 

The method behind the IAM model is life-changing, personally and professionally, as you start to incorporate its principals. 

For those looking to bring this into their love life, and for clinicians looking to experience this with your clients, you are able to dive deeper into communication exercizes for couples and yourself! 

In the inner aspect method (IAM), participants discover that life follows intentions. 

While having the intention of integrating this into your life, it became clear that it is important to continue growing to the next level. In communication, and in collaboration. The reason we need to practice is because we were mostly trained in communication that was demanding, commanding, criticizing, complaining or coercive. 

This Dominator form of communication is normal yet does not value consent, sovereignty, and / or collaboration. If we want a world of empowered consent within couples relationships, we must train ourselves to utilize language in a new way. 

Meaning, this will take practice. 

As we practice, we get the results we desire. 

So, in the Dominator Model we communicated to get our way, get what we wanted. Who cares if the other person is hurt by that, or didn’t consent? 

In the NEW Model of communication we communicate to achieve collaboration, connection and to look for the win/win. 

It isn’t healthy communication if only one partner is heard, happy, and/ or satisfied. 

Use phrases like: 

  • I’m noticing…
  • A part of me feels…. (insert feeling word)

Energetically, choose to: 

  • To be Centered & Open.

In Nonviolent Communication, we take the war out of words. 

Meaning, we do not use: 

  • ACCUSING: 
    • You did this! 
    • She said this. 
    • You did too! 
    • He yelled at me. 
    • They did it first. 
    • You violated, betrayed, used me. 
  • BLAMING: You made ME do or say it.
  • GUILTING: If you hadn’t done/said X, I never would have done Y. 

So, are you ready to learn more about how to use these in your life?

Start your journey!

Being Understood

The Importance of Being Understood Instead of Right Fighting in Relationships

/in , /by

The Importance of Being Understood Instead of Right Fighting in Relationships

 

A common issue we hear from our clients is communication, their lack of being understood and “right fighting” for a particular perspective. 

 

Many couples will say in a session “we can’t communicate.” 

 

Clinically, this may signify that the therapist will “translate” each individual perspective within the psychotherapy session.

 

Often, it isn’t about “being right;” rather, it is about not understanding or hearing, and thus, an individual is missing out on their needs of being understood, seen, and heard.

 

Yes, we can teach mirrored reflective listening, empathic and non-violent communication, yet at the core, all human beings have an innate desire to be heard and seen. 

 

As humans, we communicate ALL the time, through verbal and non-verbal ways. 

 

It is often not that we do not know how to communicate; it’s that we are not collaborating or using compassion in the ways we communicate with one another. 

 

Therefore, we are right fighting, instead of collaborating in connection. 

 

Right Fighting

 

Most often, I notice people in relationships who are focusing on “winning” or being “smarter” or “right.” I see this in romantic relationships, parent child relationships, friendships, etc. I often say to the people I am working with “I am wondering why you feel like you have to convince me” or my personal favorite “I am not a judge or jury!’

 

Usually people are surprised when I say those things and try to redirect them in session to have other goals (such as connection, problem solving, or conflict resolution).

 

All too often in our culture we are more focused on being heard than hearing what the other person is saying. This is usually rooted in our own personal traumas or feelings of powerlessness in our life. So instead of focusing on fixing the issue, we get stuck in the “facts” and our own perspective.

 

I call it “right fighting” and others call it “gridlock” or something else. Either way, it is one of the most common dynamics I see between people in my office. We are all guilty of this. I know this is something I have worked extremely hard on, myself. It is not easy work, but it is important work.

 

Inner Aspects Method (IAM) for Being Understood

 

One of the most transformative ways to support is utilizing a trauma-informed approach such as the Inner Aspects Method (IAM). 

 

IAM is an identity-affirming, trauma-focused approach used to increase insight to the various parts of our personality. Mostly, it helps us understand why we act the way we do. It focuses predominantly on bringing consciousness (or presence of mind) or awareness to what we are doing and why we are doing it.

 

At the core of the IAM model is compassion and collaboration, which ultimately enhances people’s connection to themselves and others. 

 

When an individual slows down what is happening to notice the aspect of themselves that is engaged, it provides more clarity. When this happens, individuals are able to notice the need under their emotions and thoughts, and then have a choice. The choice can be to alter and adapt a new strategy.

 

For those specifically engaged in “right fighting,” recognize that “being right” is a strategy you are using because a need is not being met.

 

Compassion Instead of Shame

 

There is nothing wrong with you, it is important to notice you have a choice in finding another strategy though… a strategy that can connect you.

 

When each individual in a disagreement is able to connect to their underlying need not being met, it allows for faster conflict resolution. 

 

When realigning the goal from “being right” to connection and collaboration, there is greater ability for joy, attunement, and respect. 

 

Finding a strategy to effectively and adaptively meet all needs is a healthier model of engaging than most individuals have been taught. 

 

The goal of this is that the “problem is the problem,” rather than the person. 

 

If you want to be right more than you desire to resolve the issue, that may be something to look at in individual counseling. 

 

Recognizing the line of what is your responsibility and what is others is important in addressing issues about communication. So, use these tips to make long-lasting relationships work. 

 

Strategies to Improve Being Understood:

 

Here are some quick tips on how to address this issue of right fighting in relationships right now!

  • PAUSE what you are doing and SLOW down!
  • Take a deep breath! There is a body of research describing the importance of taking a deep breath to help calm your physiological reaction 
  • Take a break if you need to. 
    • During this break, find an alternative strategy to calm your body. 
    • Consider a stretch, a calming app, meditate, listen to music, write, drink some water, do something active.
    • Note: this break should not be TOO long – no more than 30 minutes ideally
  • Reflect on what need is not being met.
  • Find a way to communicate that to others and ask yourself “which part of me am I responding from?”
  • Refocus your goal in the conversation to connection, collaboration, or conflict resolution
  • Slow the conversation down
  • Reflect back what the other person is saying – this is validation. VALIDATION IS NOT AGREEING it is just showing someone you are listening
  • APPRECIATE, LISTEN, REFLECT, BREATH, RESPOND
  • Rinse and Repeat as needed

STOPP Skill

If you cannot self regulate within the 30 minute break, please reach out to a mental health professional to help.

 

If you are interested in learning more about engaging in the IAM, we are happy to help you.

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

real sex

Real Sex Begins with a “Yes”

/in , /by

Real Sex Begins with a “Yes”

 

When it comes to real sex, it begins with enthusiastic consent in the form of a “yes.” 

 

If you are waiting for a no, this isn’t the type of real sex we are talking about. 

 

Actually, unless there is a deep “yes” from others, most people are not interested in the sexual situation. 

 

There is a caveat for those who are partnered for over 3 years though… sometimes, these partners are used to hearing “no”. Therefore, when it comes to sex, they will take any sign as a yes. 

 

If you think about it though… seducing ANYONE requires the receiving partner’s WILLINGNESS to receive initiation. If they aren’t a yes, they aren’t interested.  

 

When You Check In With Your Partner, You Have To Be Sure That They Are WILLING!

 

If they are acting numb, avoiding you, or even making up excuses, there is no consent to be engaging with them. If you aren’t getting the real sex you need, it may be time to have a discussion about sex therapy or a change in the relationship. 

real sex

In AASECT supervision to become a certified sex therapist, it took me two years to learn that “without willingness, there is no way.” 

 

Not even the best of lovers can begin with approaching real sex and pleasure with someone who has a resistance to trying. 

 

If your partner(s) is/are not willing, remain curious. Remain appreciative of your partner and curious instead of expecting something and then being critical. 

 

They may come around. Sometimes clients report the more curious they are, the more willing their partner has become. 

 

Therefore, check in mind, heart, and genitals. 

 

See if there is a YES or a NO to real partner sex.

 

If you want MORE than a YES or a NO. Then please use the YES spectrum below, a scale of 0-10, to see how each part of you feels when it comes to giving a “yes.” 

real sex

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

The Inner Aspects Method

The Inner Aspects Method (IAM):  A Methodology to Improve Communication and Satisfaction in Couples

/in , , , /by

The Inner Aspects Method (IAM): A Methodology to Improve Communication and Satisfaction in Couples

No one can make you do anything as an adult, unless there is physical force. Don’t believe it? Think about it…

Now is an intense time; locally, domestic violence is up 20%.

It’s time to learn a new way to teach others how to communicate.
Using the Inner Aspects Method changed my life and revolutionized how I practice with my clients. 
See a brief demo here: https://youtu.be/oxAOkI0clyI

If you are desiring to dive deep into therapeutic practices with your online or in person clients clients,  using the inner aspects model, created by Francesca Gentille, will help! 

The Inner Aspects Method

There are many couples counseling techniques: 

  • Imago Therapy
  • Gottman Method
  • Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
  • Narrative Therapy
  • Couple-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
  • Internal Family Systems (IFS) for Couples

The problem with these models is that it misses the pervasive cultural trauma that most of us have. So, if you aren’t looking at  childhood traumas and cultural conditioning of romantic relationships within the media, you are missing out on how to help couples. 

Actually, the problem is in the interaction with others, and specifically the systemic dynamic within the romantic partnership.  

We compare ourselves to what we see online, hear in music, or watch. We believe that other romantic relationships are going better and that they are having a more passionate intimate life, so then we begin to justify our learned behaviors (yelling, shaming, avoiding, and criticizing). 

Even if the best intentions in romantic relationships are acted out of fear, resentment, judgment, scarcity, or rage, these strategies for connection do not result in long-term positive outcomes for individual success or relationship sustainability. 

However, empowered strength with compassion, learning boundaries, and working on building new skill sets is what the Inner Aspects Method can help you model. 

For Counselors and Therapists

When you counsel your clients, do you wonder how clients justify the shaming, blaming, and yelling? Or, do you question that they criticize their partner or relatives in front of you? 

When in a “child” part of us, we believe that our only option is verbal violence, or even physical aggression. 

Even though our clients often assume that they know why someone said or did a certain thing, that is not true and is often a sign of black and white thinking patterns – the thinking of a young internal wounded part of ourselves, and even an inner rebellious streak we have. 

Refresher! 

No one can know for certain what is in the heart and mind of another. 

Most of us were not trained in how to listen with care and compassion to the variety of our own Inner Voices and diverse feelings and intentions. Even in graduate programs, sometimes, the nuances of working with the inner psyche is not addressed. 

This model helps clinicians uncover for themselves, and their clients, new skill sets! 

  • Collaborate for wins
  • Make requests that get responses
  • Express a boundary with compassion and firmness
  • Find the solutions to problems that trauma in childhood may leave behind

Conclusion

In this model, we can teach our clients to give empathy and compassion while holding compassion for their partner. Therefore, we can look for the win-win.

The most inspiring couples in therapy collaborate in uncovering, discovering, and recovering the many INNER ASPECTS that they have on the inside. Learning to bring love, understanding and compassion to themselves as a foundation for how they interact with their beloved.

If you want to learn more about these techniques to apply to your own life and your practice working with individuals and couples, please click this link to learn more.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Conversation Starters For Couples

Conversation Starters For Couples

/in , /by

Conversation Starters For Couples

 

It can get pretty awkward in a dynamic, so we created conversation starters for couples as a way to keep the intimacy alive. 

 

In the beginning of being a couple, conversation starters are more about getting to understand what you both are looking for out of a partner. Then, as you bond, conversation starters are continuously important to increase a sense of spark between you. 

 

No matter where you are in relating, a purposeful conversation starter can help you get closer and increase your level of intimacy. 

 

How Long Have You Identified as a Couple? 

 

The days, weeks, months or years of being in a couple sometimes determines what you share with them. However, some couples go deep quickly!

Conversation Starters For Couples

If you just met a few days or weeks ago, consider asking questions about how much time they have in a week. Consider asking what they believe a romantic relationship is. 

 

At this point, you’re still getting to know one another and you can’t really tell if they are someone that is worth trusting yet. 

 

It even becomes more difficult when you’re meeting someone for the first time because you are worried what they may say.

 

Conversations at this point may range from general questions about your partner, such as:

  • What are your hobbies and how long have you done them?
  • Did you get nominated for a superlative in high school? 
  • What is your view about a long-term relationship without intimacy?
  • What are your goals for the next 6 months, and then 5 years? 
  • How long have you had a best friend?

 

If your relationship has gotten to a point where you can trust your partner, asking them some more intimate questions is important. 

 

Do you trust them to tell you the truth when asked certain questions?

 

Before starting a conversation with your partner, be sure that they trust you enough to share information. Especially when you’ve been together for months. 

 

The truth is, some people may be too reserved to start a conversation because they aren’t sure of what their partner would think of them or if there was any sense in what they’re saying.

 

Starting an intimate conversation is often a great way to tell if you’ve gained their trust. Pay attention to how they react when you ask specific questions. 

 

Do a reflection of your conversation and write down more questions to ask them.

 

You don’t need to put down the questions in your journal. Yet, you may want to put it in your notes on your phone to remind yourself of the important information. 

 

Naturally, lots of information will be exchanged during the answer and question sessions, and your personalities, or multiple inner aspects, will be exposed.

 

The situations, environment you are in, and which inner aspect you are in or “what mood you are in” could be some of the factors that will determine the kind of questions you’ll ask. 

 

Do They Like To Laugh?

 

You might have experienced a situation when a person took a humorous expression, question or conversation too personal. This is totally normal because we view things differently as humans. 

 

Now, before asking a controversial question, ensure that your partner will not find it embarrassing or take it too personally. 

 

If your partner takes some discussions or questions personally due to past experience, you shouldn’t judge them. It may be a reminder of a bad experience, and it’s better to know what their triggers are so you can discuss them when the time is appropriate. 

 

As you progress in your relationship, they may have grown enough to share some things with you without feeling triggered by it. 

 

Conversation Starters for Long-Term Couples

 

As stated earlier, some conversation starters for couples are for the beginning of your relationship, while some are for long-term relationships that are in the decades. 

Conversation Starters For Couples

You can write down a few of our conversation starters for couples in your cell phone to discuss later! 

 

Below are some typical conversation starters in a romantic relationship, where you’ve both bonded and shared some intimacy over the years or decades. 

 

These are the type of questions you ask at a romantic date or when spending a great time together:

  • Do you remember what I wore when we met? 
  • What is the wildest adventure you’ve ever had?
  • What attracted you to me?
  • When does foreplay begin for you? 
  • What have I done to make you feel loved since we met?
  • Do you remember the best thing about our first date?

What to do During the Conversation

 

Doing the following will help you understand a lot about your partner and who they are:

 

Keep to the aim of the conversation.

 

  • Now that you know when to ask some questions and what to ask, the next thing you should do is keep to the aim of the conversation. Do not make the mistake of going overboard or losing focus, because then neither of you may feel heard. 
  • The aim of your conversation with your partner is to bond and build intimacy. If you’re not sure about your partner’s acceptance of who you are, you may find it hard to give out some information about yourself. 
  • So, you need to be incredibly sure that you’re ready to do this and not withhold any vital information that may hurt later.
  • It’s better to let them know who you are, even when you think they won’t accept you. 
  • If someone can not accept you for who you are, then, let them take a walk.

Watch Their Reaction after the Questions

 

Now that you have both shared some information to help you bond, is your partner’s behavior the same with what they told you? Or is their lifestyle a total opposite of what they said? 

 

When you watch their actions closely, you will find out if your partner is omitting truths or unable to follow through on their word. 

 

The truth is, some people may find it hard to tell you everything about themselves until you are decades into the relationship.

 

You will discover some new things about your partner as you get through various life stages together. 

 

Don’t Forget Context!

Remember that you are both two different people coming from different backgrounds and upbringings. 

 

So, you need to do a lot of talking to know about your partner. Ask about what growing up was like and their belief system. What about considering how well they get along with their friends and / or siblings?

 

Don’t be left thinking “this isn’t the person I married.” Instead, use conversation starters for couples no matter what stage of relating you are in. Helen Fisher researched this and her findings are fascinating. To summarize, we need conversations starters during dating, falling in love, and attachment. 

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.