5 Labor Languages

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

 

Have you heard about 5 Labor Languages?

You may be here because you are looking for a 5 love language quiz to try. 

Here is the thing… I am a millennial therapist, so I talk about emotional, cognitive, physical, relational labor… and the idea of bringing those all to consciousness often. 

Through my experience in working with individuals and relationships, many people discuss the 5 love language quiz, yet they are still in therapy. 

I have learned that Labor Languages are FAR less talked about than it should be. 

So buckle up, today we are talking about “labor” instead of the 5 love language quiz! 

Before we begin, I want you to take stock of which pieces or aspects of labor in relationships (romantic and otherwise) you do!

 

Physical labor

Physical labor looks like what is done in a relationship that are often seen as tasks or chores. This labor could look like taking out the garbage, cleaning, organizing, yard work, physical intimacy, fixing things in shared space, cleaning the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. These are not all the ways to do physical labor, I am just noting some examples.

Physical labor requires one to do some physical or manual work. Often these tasks or chores are day to day (such as cleaning the kitchen or cooking) or multiple times per week (such as vacuuming)  or weekly (mowing the lawn) or larger tasks such as fixing something in the household, etc. 

Admittedly, this has not always been my personal strength, but I have used this as a growth edge for me. I have worked hard at building ways to increase my ability to engage in these type of labor and I am rocking it out!

 

Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is placing your own personal resources or energy into someone else’s emotions or feelings to support them in what may be occurring. This can be done through conversation, holding space for someone, physical reassurance, listening to them, communicating, etc. 

Emotional labor is one that we see in various types of relationships (not just romantic ones). I am very lucky as a therapist to have so many people in my life who are great at this and to have the skills to engage in this.

 

Cognitive Labor

Cognitive labor is often known as the “invisible” work in relationships. 

It is how someone organizes tasks, keeps the household running, and often includes planning, forethought, and looking at the big picture. 

Cognitive labor can look like running the family calendar, managing family finances, planning meals, scheduling appointments, organizing events, and coordinating with other systems (family, friends, daycare, etc.). 

Boom! This is 100% my strength in almost all my relationships. 

My friends and family know that when I am at my highest and best version of me, I am usually really engaged with cognitive (and emotional!) labor in my relationships. 

 

Relational Labor

Relational labor is a combination of all of the above listed ones. I say this because this is the labor where we have to communicate and work together in our relationships to engage in each of the above (physical, emotional, and cognitive). In relational labor, it is our responsibility to communicate, share, collaborate, and create within our relationships in order to make sure our needs are met within that relationship. Relational labor looks like having conversations about the relationship, setting boundaries, clarifying, and communicating. 

For me, this is a growth edge that I have had. There have been times in my life where I rocked at this and there have certainly been times in various relationships where I have struggled with this piece. I think it is important that we take stock and look at which relationships this was hardest to do and why. When I do that, I notice this has showed up in many of my friendships and because of my own traumas, me not engaging in this labor was for fear or loss so setting boundaries or talking about my needs was often so scary I didn’t address it.

 

Boom Shaka Laka – Bring the Unconscious to the Conscious!

Alright, now we have looked at each of these sections and we are sitting and considering which areas in which relationships are on point and which are a growth edge for us. Wahoo!

This is so important to reflect on because often times we unconsciously engage in this labor. When this labor is done unconsciously it can result in feelings of resentment towards others. The problem is, is if we are not conscious or aware of it we may not be able to truly communicate what is showing up for us – and if we cannot do that we are not going to feel fulfilled in our relationships. 

I urge you to bring the unconscious to the conscious. Reflect. Learn. Growth. Communicate. HEAL. Healing is a process, when we truly begin to do it – it looks like conscious, intentional, consensual growth. When we are unconsciously doing, we are not truly choosing or consenting. When we do not choose or consent, we resent and (re)experience trauma. When we choose and consent, we are empowered and work within our relationships to negotiate, collaborate, and create. 

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Couples Counseling Near Me

Couples Counseling Near Me

Couples Counseling Near Me

 

Have you looked online recently for “couples counseling near me”? Whether you’ve recently moved or are completely new to therapy, finding the right counselor to work with you and your partner is so important.

The right therapist is like a bridge between the couple you are now and the one you want so badly to be. They can guide you through the fog of learned behaviors, past trauma, and communication roadblocks into a healthier and fuller relationship.

The bottom line is, don’t stop your search for a therapist until you know you’ve found the right one. If you hold back or enter into couples counseling being guarded, then it’s going to impede your progress.

Knowing exactly what you want from counseling isn’t absolutely necessary at first. Most couples turn to therapy when they start to fight more, the sex isn’t great, or your goals aren’t aligned.  

Eventually, you’ll want to focus on things that make the most difference and areas where your therapist can help you most effectively.

Couples Counseling Near Me

 

Improving Communication in Your Relationship

Managing communication in your relationship is one of the most important aspects of building a good foundation. That means monitoring and improving your communication patterns, as well as adjusting to how your partner communicates.

Many couples who say they aren’t communicating well are simply talking past each other and dealing with residual resentment that prevents you from being vulnerable.

When you resent your partner on some level, getting candid feedback can be a challenge. When resentment levels are high, then even things like receiving compliments on your physical appearance or professional accomplishments becomes hard.

You think your partner is being sarcastic or question their motives when they make overtures. You wonder, whether secretly or aloud, whether they mean it or if they’re trying to manipulate you.

Those things may be true, but before you go to bed with those convictions, you should do some self-inventory alone or with the help of a therapist. A quick online search for “couples counseling near me” can get you started in the right direction.

People I meet with are often surprised at how deeply they’ve fallen into poor communication habits. Learning to speak with the right emotions and message is a skill that takes practice. It doesn’t come equally for everyone.

In my experience, it’s important to arm ourselves with strategies that we can use in real-time when dealing with conflict or confusion. We also need to learn how to reaffirm and uplift our partners, especially if words of affirmation is one of their love languages.

Couples Counseling Near Me

Couples Counseling for Intimacy

Along with finances, sex is one of the biggest reasons that drive couples apart. It underscores how important deep intimacy, meaningful touch, and the occasional wild sexcapade are to our emotional and physical health.

If you find yourself searching for couples counseling near me because you’re having trouble in your sex life, here are some tips that can help your search.

First, you want to find a certified sex therapist with experience dealing with similar situations. Of course, the kind of experience you’ll need depends a great deal on where you are personally.

Some people going to couples counseling to deal with intimacy issues are confronting difficult pasts that inhibit sexual expression. Others are trying to find new ways to push the boundaries of their sexuality with things like roleplaying, BDSM, anal sex, and other types of kink.

I can’t stress enough how vital it is to work with someone who knows how to use pleasure in healing relationships between partners. I work with people to set and achieve sexual goals, something many people haven’t done in their lives even though everyone should!

The right therapist will work with you to improve the sexual dynamics in your relationship, and also dig deep into any issues like shame or problems with body image that are holding you back. We can open up new parts of your sexual experience by exploring power dynamics, toys, and things like tantric breathing to inject excitement into a sex life that’s become a bit bland.

 

Couples Counseling Near Me and How to Choose

You should know that a good therapist will be feeling you out as much as you are. This alignment starts from the first phone call and emails into the early sessions. We want to see your progress, and after some time meeting and talking with couples, we have a good idea of whether we’ll be able to see change.

A therapist and the couples they counsel need to be on the same page. For example, I take a flexible, open approach that often focuses on sex-positivity to help you improve your sex life and your connection with your partner. I communicate directly and sometimes combine therapy with tantric techniques for deeper immersion into learning.

With over 15,000 client hours, I know that approach doesn’t work for everyone. It’s part of my job to recognize early on if there is enough progress to indicate future success.

My passion is helping use physiology to improve sexual satisfaction in an environment free from judgment. If you’re dealing with desire discrepancy with your partner, or you’re eager to experiment with bondage or an open relationship, I have sexual strategies that can help you manage change.

Wherever you’re at in your relationship, there is always hope. I see people in dire situations where it seems like all is lost and therapy is their last gasp at saving a marriage. I also meet with people all the time to talk about our bodies and how we can use sex to improve our quality of life.

Every couple who enters therapy is different. There may be slight similarities in the motivation for seeking counseling. The strategies and techniques you will use to better yourself and your relationship will be unique.

Learn about how you can become a better partner by finding a counselor who speaks to your body and mind. Break the patterns you find yourself stuck in and carve a new path for the future.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

How To Save My Marriage! 

How To Save My Marriage! 

 

Step by step guide on how to save my marriage is here for you. 

Seriously, how long has it taken you to google how to save my marriage?

If longer than a year, that’s an eternity in our fast-changing, “what’s new today” world. 

You may be here because you or your partner(s) feels: 

  • Annoyed
  • Irritated
  • Betrayed
  • Degraded
  • Shamed
  • Blamed

 

Step 1 on How To Save My Marriage

Accept that to save your marriage is going to be slow and tedious, yet really helpful! 

I imagine a part of you feels your partner is confusing because they excuse their behaviors, and yet aren’t willing to learn about you or hear what you are saying. 

My take is that because your partner and you are needing help on “how to save my marriage,” that I can give you a very strange take on how to slowly yet practically unwind the tangled mess. 

 

Step 2 is to Use Your Psyche!

Go to therapy or use the Inner Aspects Method (IAM) by Francesca Gentille!how to save my marriage

A quick synopsis of the IAM model is that ALL OF US have 100s of inner aspects on the inside. 

They are brilliant parts of us created by our psyche to survive. 

We can be heroes and villains in our own story. 

Sometimes, it goes awry in a partnership and tangles up though. 

You may not even be aware subconsciously of the many inner parts of your personality. 

My truth is that there is no “ONE” thing that we are as a partner though. I wish there were… it would feel really comforting to know. Life, relationships, and relationships with responsibility and/or power dynamics are more nuanced and layered than one answer. 

 

Step 3 Nonviolent Communication will save your marriage! 

Nonviolent communication and Tony Robbins’ 6 Human Needs will teach you exactly how to save my marriage! 

Each part of our psyche has different needs! See the graphic of the human needs here!

Humans WILL get these needs met (in HEALTHY or UNHEALTHY ways). 

If we can slow down our world a bit and self-reflect and evaluate who we are on the inside… we can slow down enough to get conscious of who we are inside. 

And then, figure out what STRATEGIES  (examples of strategies: 

  • Work
  • Yoga
  • eating healthy
  • Attraction
  • Drugs

What are some of the ways you get your needs met through work? Which parts of you are getting those needs met? 

For me, the therapist parts of me get my needs of contribution, uncertainty, connection, and certainty through some of the strategies I use daily with my clients and my staff. 

 

Step 4 is Reconciliation on the past. 

Whoever is MOST accountable wins. Continue to own parts of what you did to contribute to the current state of events. Seek a licensed marriage and family therapist, someone trained with a license in couples counseling, or seek someone who knows about balancing out the foundation of the relationship. 

Begin moving through old stories and blame or shame. 

Realize that these inner messages, if you have a partner willing to do the work and grow with you, are not going to be helpful for the relationship you are building. 

 

Step 5 is where we envision a new marriage! 

New rituals, vows, and more consciousness. Begin feeling inspired. Looking at your partner, and even friends, with loving eyes. New visions and recalibrating what you would like to create is often helpful to move through times that are uncertain and uncomfortable.

 

Couples Communication Strategies

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

interracial couples

Preserving Connection in Interracial Couples

Preserving Connection in Interracial Couples

 

In all relationships, and especially with interracial couples, sometimes all you have is each other. With the odds seemingly stacked against you, you must build a solid foundation to stand on. One of the most damaging characteristics in some relationships is when partners turn on each other when things get tough.

Conflicts happen in every relationship. Yours will be different because you’re struggling with yourselves and others over claiming your identity. You have to fight all of the feelings that try to tell you what you should like, who you should be, and how you should act.

Make a concerted effort to build each other up so you have armor to face any racism, misconceptions, and other forms of mistreatment from outside your relationship. When you disagree, do so with respect.

If you ever find yourselves fighting consistently over a topic, whether it’s race-related or not, seek out help from a therapist who can help you navigate complicated issues. They’ll be able to give you tools to help you communicate better so without damaging your partner.

interracial couples

Accepting Your Partner’s Context

Context means a lot in every day life, and specifically in interracial dating.

It opens up a new sense of clarity and meaning when we have the proper context. Have you ever walked into a situation without knowing the background? You’re woefully unprepared. Once you have context, though, you’re better equipped to manage work, relationships, and anything else.

In an interracial couple, each partner has their own context. The way they grew up, the relationship they had with their parents, what they were exposed to, and how their views on race developed all have a huge impact on who they are.

If you’re part of an interracial couple or are interested in being in one, do the work to understand your partner’s context. It will be easier for some. Think about how differently a first-generation immigrant will react to cultural and racial issues versus someone whose family has been here for generations and may only hold a loose connection to their ethnic heritage.

When you have context, you can support each other more effectively in good times and bad. You’ll be attuned to what may trigger negative emotions in your partner, so you’ll be there earlier to support them when they need it.

 

Embrace the Differences

There’s so much beauty in the differences we all have. So often, people try to use differences to drive people apart, though, they should bring us together. Dating someone from a different race is a great opportunity to learn, whether it’s exposure to a new culture or different attitudes.

Fight complacency by talking to your partner frequently about how they are feeling. Accentuate the positives, laugh about the misconceptions. Air it all out and build from what you find. You can both create an intimate safe zone where all questions are allowed in the spirit of learning and discovery.

Conversations about race aren’t easy, particularly when they’re with the partner you love and want an intimate connection with. Feelings can be hurt, and statements misconstrued. Keep any inherent privilege in mind when you make decisions that affect both of you. Keep communication open and honest.

If you find yourself spending too much time with one race over another, change things up a bit. If, for example, you’re an Asian man dating a white woman and each of your social circles is racially homogenous, try to get everyone together. You’ll have a terrific impact on changing more than just your perspectives.

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

National Couples Day

The 3 Parts of an Optimal Sexual Experience on National Couples Day!

The 3 Parts of an Optimal Sexual Experience on National Couples Day!

It is National Couples Day on August 18! How do you celebrate? 

Have you ever heard of this hallmark holiday? 

For me, National Couples Day just solidifies my wedding anniversary! 

Do you have special traditions or celebration ideas? I’m often in favor of a tradition or celebration with my partner… especially if it is just us!

 

9 Things to Do Other Than Watch a Screen Tonight! National Couples Day

  1. Evening stroll
  2. Listen to an Audiobook
  3. Sit outside
  4. Biking or hiking
  5. Meetup.com to go to an appropriate event
  6. Bedroom date night
  7. Dress up and take photos together in the house
  8. Cook your favorite dinner
  9. Journal together on your goals for the upcoming year

If you do what you have always done, you will get the results you have gotten. 

Do not move too quickly into deciding what you will do. 

Enjoy the process of discussing it with your partner(s). Why not? 

Describe your idea of an amazing couples erotic template to them. 

See if it is even close. 

Then ask if you can describe yours. You may be off, and that’s ok. 

There is a bridge to connection if you are both willing!

 

National Couples Day Tips for a Relationship Reboot

Being yourself, authentically seen, and the presence and ability to let go! Connection with your partner in the moment is a wonderful goal for National Couples Day. Just connect. No expectations – just fun and pure pleasure. 

Activate what you felt in the beginning again! 

 

The 3 Major Components of an Optimal Sexual Experience!

National Couples Day

1.Updated Communication Strategies – learn to use NVC or our communication e guide

Hear out your partners’ needs and be honest about what you are/aren’t open to, and what you’re willing to explore. Once you have gone back-and-forth talking about your preferences and desires, clearly outline what is in your comfort for the night!

Speak to them the way they like to be spoken to. Ask your partner their favorite nicknames to be called by you. Ask them which one has an effect on them erotically (if any). 

2.Revitalizing Passion – the tricky part is being tuned into what’s going on inside yourself and being connected with another person. 

What is your partner’s vision or desire for this ritual? Can you do another one next week for what you desire? Why only have one night? 

3.Scheduling Time without Screens – Why no phones or screens? Because being embodied is about being alive to THE PRESENT moment in each other’s embrace (eye gaze or touch) with the goal that nothing can distract you.

More specific considerations that have worked for me that may or may not work for you:National Couples Day

  • Take loving care of myself and my spouse by lighting candles
  • Keeping our home neat
  • Listening to white noise sound machines, or agreeing to the playlist of the night. 
  • No television, no movies, and no radio. My team even helps me publish all these posts on days that I am with my partner, so it seems like I am here, yet it’s really them. I am ACCEPTING the support instead of feeling guilty that I can’t do it all! 

Give yourself more than your usual amount of time to plan and prepare for days with your partner that are supposed to be sacred or special! 

Plan it into your calendar, just like you would an event, and schedule LESS work or “distractions” to prioritize your partner. 

This shows our partner that we are putting in the enthusiasm we did in the beginning of our partnership. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

lesbian sex toys

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

Lesbian Sex Toys for Everyone

What does “lesbian sex toys” even mean, really? Well sex toy industry has catered to heterosexual, penis-in-vagina definitions of sex for a long time- think phallic dildos in various sizes, with veins and scrotums. Pretty graphic! These phallic toys can bring immense pleasure obviously, but might alienate people who don’t enjoy penises, are working through sexual traumas or prevent people from exploring sexual fantasies and taboos.

Enter lesbian sex toys. Now, let’s be clear, ANYONE can enjoy ANY toy, it doesn’t matter who it is marketed to! If you’re searching for a non-phallic toy that can do more than just penetrate, searching for toys aimed at lesbians can open a whole new world of possibility. These toys are made for pleasurable experiences beyond what a plain old dildo can deliver, and are specifically crafted for pleasuring vaginas, clitorises, and vulvas. And it doesn’t stop there- many of these toys can be enjoyed by our lovers with penises too!

 

So…what kind of lesbian sex toys are out there?

There are so many wonderful toys to play with out there, where do you even start?! Let’s go over some basic categories- the only rule is if you think it sounds fun or will make you feel good, you should try it! Who knows, you might be surprised what new sensations maybe aroused.

 

Suction Toys

At first glance, these look kind of like a vibrator, and some of them do vibrate! The real attraction with suction toys is the smallish suction cup, usually at the top end of the toy, that is meant to be placed over the clitoris. The clitoris is then gently (or vigorously, depending on your settings!) sucked by the toy, emulating sensations felt during oral sex, maybe even more intense.

Of course, you don’t need a clitoris to enjoy the suction! These toys are also great for nipple teasing, so feel free to share with your lovers who don’t have a clitoris. Suction toys are generally more quiet than conventional vibrators, and some can be used underwater. Womanizer is a popular brand of clitoral suction toy, and they even have version that are moulded for g-spot penetration while the suction cup works on the clitoris.

 

Clit Vibrators

This can have a billion different subcategories, but there are three that really cover all bases:

  1. Bullet Vibrators: these tiny, discreet battery operated vibrators are a classic as they can be  inexpensive and easy to use. While they should never be used anally (they’ll get lost up there, and no one wants to be that person in the ER), they can be used on the clitoris as well as the entire body. Any erogenous zone can be tickled by a little bullet. These are usually pretty simple with maybe one or two settings, however they can pack a powerful punch and be a great introduction to vibrating sensations in partner sex with any gender.
  1. Butterfly Vibrators: These unique vibes are shaped like, you guessed it, a butterfly! These are designed for hands free play by placing the vibrator in your underwear, but you can use your hand to guide it wherever you want. They have a wider surface area along the “wings” for a more spread out sensation, and places along the top and middle that can be strategically placed for more intensity.
  1. Vibrating Wands: If you want intensity, get one of these! They are a classic for a reason, and while they aren’t versatile for penetrative activities, they can sure rock anyone’s world. They are definitely not quiet though, so be prepared! Whether you use it on clits, vulvas, penises or other erogenous zones, the intense vibration will come in handy if you have trouble orgasming with timid bullet vibes. These are sometimes sold in conventional stores as “massagers”, which means if you’re not feeling frisky you can work the tension out of your neck and shoulders. Sometimes one thing leads to another though…

 

Penetrative Toys

It doesn’t have to look like a penis to be pleasurable! First things first, if you are inserting something into you or your partner’s body, it better be made of body safe, non porous materials! Avoid PVC, cheap plastic or latex jelly and instead find toys made with silky silicone, or even sculpted pieces made from metal or glass. They’ll be almost beautiful enough to display- almost.

Silicone is great if you want a soft, smooth, almost skin like texture. These toys tend to have a certain degree of flexibility too!

Glass and metal are interesting because they are firm, which can be awesome for flexing and gripping with your pelvic floor. Plus, they can be cool to the touch or warm up with you or your partner’s body heat, opening up more sensation possibilities. If they have a flared base you can use it anally too!

Here are some exciting toys to explore if you want penetrative sensations beyond what a typical dildo can deliver:

  1. Strap Ons: Strap ons are a classic lesbian sex toy, and a wonderful way to connect with a partner through penetration if you don’t have a penis. You have a few options here: a classic harness is secure, though perhaps a little hardware heavy (which can also be a turn on!). There are also styles that are more like underwear with an adjustable opening, so you can vary which sizes you can use in your strap on. Another really fun option: the strapless strap on! This is a toy with two shafts, one that you insert into your vagina, and a second shaft to insert into your partner. Great if you enjoy g-spot stimulation! If you go with a harness or underwear style, many have pockets where you can insert a bullet or butterfly vibe so you can be pleasure while you penetrate your partner.
  2. Double Ended Dildos: they are exactly what you would expect! They come in a variety of shapes, sizes, girths, materials, some vibrate, some have texture- whatever you and your partner enjoy! If you are purchasing a double dildo for anal play, make sure it has a flared piece in the middle to prevent anal injury.
  3. Rabbits: the ultimate hybrid! Flickering ears for clitoral stimulation, a shaft for anal or vaginal penetration, plus vibration! A true triple threat, this is the kind of sex toy that can be used on anybody (and any body!) for a variety of sensations. Plus, it doesn’t look like a penis, instead it has a neutral, sleek shaft that can come with a variety of textures such as ribbing or bumps for extra stimulation.

This is of course only the beginning – there are as many lesbian sex toys out there as there are people! If you’re not a lesbian or if you don’t have a vagina, many of these toys can be enjoyed in many different ways. If you’re not a fan of anatomical sex toys that are too realistic, the lesbian sex toys market has a lot of beautifully designed products for every craving. Now the only question left: which lesbian sex toys will you try out first?

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

Boundaries

The Boundary Trap – What are Boundaries? 

The Boundary Trap – What are Boundaries? 

 

Boundaries have become the new buzzword – so what the heck are they?

They are ways to create limits or express needs. 

They can be physical, emotional, spiritual, verbal, sexual, etc. 

Boundaries are the ways in which we say what is or is not okay for us. This could be in the way we want to be communicated with, the way we are loved, the way we are touched, the way people show up for us, and the way people speak to us.

Our culture sucks with boundaries… which is probably why boundaries have become such a buzz word in our society now. Our culture has focused on what I call: aggressive, active, or passive boundaries. 

In the United States, we live in a dominating society where aggression and dominance are reinforced… down to the ways we even communicare. 

 

Aggressive, Passive, or Active?

Most of my clients come to me either utilizing aggressive or passive boundaries. 

Aggressive boundaries can use physical or (most often) verbal strategies. 

Aggressive boundaries is engaging in what I consider to be dominating, abrasive, coercive, demanding, controlling, shaming, blaming, or critical tactics. In my experience, these strategies result in compliance, rebellion, or conflict. None of which work towards connection and understanding. These boundaries are typically “at someone” and can be reactive boundaries. This is usually as a result of not having boundaries respected unless they were loud and big.

An example of an aggressive boundary would be: “You can never do anything right. Don’t help me anymore because you are an idiot. I know what is best and you either need to get on board or else.”

Passive boundaries are people who either do not set boundaries at all or are VERY unclear. People who struggle to set boundaries at all usually fall in this category. 

People who set passive boundaries often feel resentful because those around them do not understand the boundaries resulting in these individuals overgiving. These individuals may be conflict avoidant, may have not learned how to have a voice, or learned their needs were not important. 

Boundaries

An example of passive boundaries would be: 

  • feeling uncomfortable with something someone is doing and saying nothing
  • not responding
  • lying about your feelings such as saying “its okay”
  • over-committing and saying “yes” when you mean “no.”
  • Saying “whatever you want to do” 
  • Using vague language like “I mean maybe it’s a sorta thing that I….”

Passive Aggressive is the combo platter of boundaries. It is vague statements or boundaries that usually are accompanied by sarcasm, anger, or contempt. 

People who set passive aggressive boundaries are often unclear, rude, indirect in trying to get what they want or need. People who are passive aggressive often do not know how to get their needs met, may be conflict avoidant, or struggle to be vulnerable. 

An example of this would be: “I guess I didn’t need that anyways” with a sarcastic tone or non-descript tone.

Active Boundaries are clear, compassionate, and communicative. Active boundaries are when we are able to share what we need without engaging in violent communication techniques. 

These boundaries show how we need or what we want from others without engaging in destructive communication patterns that create disconnection and conflict. 

An example of this would be: “I feel really frustrated and hurt when you speak to me that way. I would ask in the future that we work together on communicating differently so that we both feel more safe.” or “I am noticing that I am uncomfortable when you touch me like that, is it possible for you to ask in the future? If you cannot do that, I am going to have to find another way to feel like I can be more comfortable around you.” or “In the future, when you go to get something to eat can you please also reach out if I need anything to? I felt really hurt when I did not have dinner too. In the future that would be so cool because I would feel really loved and seen.” 

 

Boundaries, PEOPLE!

So often we struggle to do this. It is so important that we find ways to communicate our needs through boundary setting. At LCAT, we use Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication as a guide to help our clients and ourselves navigate these difficult conversations. 

Boundaries are not something many of us are comfortable with in our culture and it is so important that we remember boundaries are FOR US not AT others. 

When we are able to focus on boundaries being for us and not AT others, we are more able to set them in an active way rather than a passive and/or aggressive way. 

Let us help you get there!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

couples making love

How Often Are Couples Making Love?

How Often Are Couples Making Love?

 

When it comes to couples making love, it is easy to feel like everyone is doing it all the time. Perhaps you are friends with that ooey-gooey couple who can’t keep their hands off each other, or your sister brags about how her and her husband do it every night- AND her baby falls asleep, AND she’s been promoted at work, AND she works out everyday. It is easy to feel a little bummed if you haven’t been having as much sex as everyone else.

Or at least, how much sex you think they are having! The problem with the above scenario is the constant comparison. You don’t know what issues are lying beneath the surface, if the sex is satisfying, or if it even happened at all! Luckily, a lot of research has gone into couples making love, and sexual habits in general.

 

What Are the Stats on Couples Making Love?

We’ll cut to the chase- according to The Archives of Sexual Behavior couples are on average making love 54 times per year, which amounts to once per week on average.

Does this seem like a lot? Does this seem like a little? Your perspective on this will depend on your level of sexual satiation, which essentially describes how satisfied you are with your sex life once you’ve settled into a routine with your relationship. Once the honeymoon phase is over (about a year to 18 months or so), you’ve been there, done that, couples will begin to have less spontaneous sex, but their relationship is likely becoming stronger.

In fact, research shows that people in happy relationships have better sex, NOT vice versa.

Better sex in this context means sex that resulted in orgasm- though we know that orgasms don’t necessarily define a satisfying sexual experience! Yet, numbers still seem to come into play. According to Social Psychology and Personality Science, couples who have sex at least once per week are happier with their relationships overall.

If this seems contradictory, it is! Sexuality and sex are nuanced, fluid and flexible- which is why stats can sometimes be confusing when it comes to gauging your own sex life against the numbers.

There are also numerous factors that can affect your relationship- AND your sex life!

Couples making love once per week may be more satisfied in their relationships, however they may have some privilege at play. According to a survey conducted by AARP, people without financial worries who experience a low stress level have the most sex…and the most satisfying sex. Seems a little unfair! Sadly, it makes sense- it’s hard to get in the mood if you are stressed about how you’re going to pay the rent.

 

What are some other factors?

Age can come into play- from the age of 30 onward, weekly sexual activity decreases with every decade according to The Kinsey Institute in Indiana. While folks under 30 are having sex an average 112 times per year, that number gradually decreases and people who are 50+ tend to average about 52 times per year. Which is still almost once per week- you go, Grandma!

Sex Drive is a factor couples making love must consider. Sometimes, everyone goes through phases of low libido, and this can be due to anything from stress to illness to exhaustion to being busy with other life events like a move, new job or child. If you or your partner are dealing with a lower sex drive than usual, it is rarely to do with their attraction to their partner- so don’t take it personally! Sex therapists can help determine these underlying factors for low libido and help you overcome them.

Values can mean differing priorities when it comes to the relationship, which isn’t automatically a bad thing. If what you both value in a relationship is comfort, stability, companionship, being amazing parents and sex is far down the list for both of you, great! If, however, sex is an important expression of love for one of you and not the other, tensions can arise.

 

Bottom line:

When it comes to your level of sexual satiation, what really, truly matters is how you feel- not some statistic or random number that may or may not work for you!

When looking into your sexual satiation, ask yourself some important questions to determine if you are truly satisfied, or if you’re in need of some extra help!

If as a couple you’ve “been there, done that”, how does that make you feel?

Do you feel:

  • Comfortable
  • Trusting
  • Like you have nothing to prove
  • Deeply connected to your partner
  • Loved

Or do you feel:

  • Rejected
  • Bored
  • Restless
  • Unattractive

How often you have sex is only a problem if it feels like a problem or is putting strain on the relationship. If you feel cozy, secure and loved, not getting it on can feel just fine. If you are anxious about how your partner perceives you, feel rejected when you make sexual advances or are restless and tempted to cheat, it is a sure sign you are in need of more sexual connection and therapy for an underlying issue as a couple.

If you feel satisfied, loved and like you have good communication, then you shouldn’t need to ask how often are couples making love- just do what feels right for you and your partner!

 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

love language quiz

Get On The Same Page and Take a Love Language Quiz!

Get On The Same Page and Take a Love Language Quiz!

A love language quiz is a great way to figure out what makes you and your partner(s) feel most loved. The concept of the love languages was first popularized in Dr. Gary Chapman’s bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages, yet the concept of these strategies for connection has been used by couples therapists for decades in one way or another.

A love language quiz can help you if you find your love is a little lost in translation, and it can be a simple way to bring some clarity to how you or your partner interpret love and what you value in your relationships, both romantic and platonic.

So, what are the love languages and what do they mean?

 

Results For a Love Language Quiz

1.Words of Affirmation

If you desire to be praised, encouraged or told “I love you” regularly to feel connected to your partner, your love language may be words of affirmation!

Text messages telling you to have a wonderful day, compliments on your appearance, acknowledgment of your hard work, and praise for your accomplishments are all things that can make you (or another) feel loved, connected and appreciated.

People who desire words of affirmation may feel hurt or neglected if they do not have frequent verbal (or written) reassurance that they are loved, attractive and appreciated. 

Even if their partner feels all of these things towards them, if it isn’t being communicated verbally a person who needs words of affirmation may not pick up on it.

If your partner needs words of affirmation to feel connected to you, try complimenting them more, or thanking them for things that they do around the house, or send them kind or flirty messages via text out of the blue regularly. This includes telling them they are beautiful and sexy! A simple “I love you” is also impactful and a classic if you can’t always find the words.

love language quiz 

2.Acts of Service

This may be your love language if you feel most appreciated when your partner does things for you, big and small, or does the tasks they know you don’t like, or find ways to generally make your life better through their actions. Action is definitely the key word here!

Running you a bath, bringing you a hot cup of coffee in the morning while you’re just barely awake, scraping the ice off of your car because they know you hate doing it, driving your mother to the airport- for you, actions speak louder than words, and these are the kinds of things that make you really feel your partner cares.

You can feel let down if your partner doesn’t seem to help out, or if they don’t follow through on a promise. The key to feeling loved for you is that your partner wants to take actions both large and small that will make your life easier or happier.

If your partner requires acts of service, realize that the little things can really add up: a gesture as simple as doing their laundry or making their favorite meal after a stressful day can have a big impact. And of course, grander gestures are always welcome: take their car in for an oil change after they’ve been complaining they haven’t had time to do it, help your brother-in-law move into his new apartment. It is important to your partner that you consistently notice when they are tired, overwhelmed or busy and that you make efforts to help them- without necessarily being asked!

love language quiz 

3.Receiving Gifts

This love language is pretty much what you’d expect- you love getting gifts and treats as confirmation that you are loved! They needn’t be lavish or expensive, sometimes the most thoughtful token is the most memorable.

A small souvenir from a business trip, fresh flowers “just because”,  picking up something silly because it reminds them of an inside joke you share- these are the things that make you feel cherished. Of course, a diamond bracelet wouldn’t hurt, yet it isn’t the gift itself. 

The thought behind it that makes you feel special.

If receiving gifts is your love language, you may feel let down if your partner “doesn’t believe in exchanging gifts” or only gives you gifts on appropriate occasions like birthdays- and even then, they are impersonal or generic. The important thing is that the gift is an expression of their love- not materialistic bait to keep you hanging on.

Gifts can also represent relationship milestones in your mind, symbols of progress: think a family heirloom making you feel like you’re being welcomed into your partner’s family, or a tiny pair of baby socks to celebrate a pregnancy, lingerie or sex toys to show how desired you are, or a trip somewhere you’ve been dreaming of as an expression of their excitement to go on adventures together. If money is a concern, you may feel guilty for feeling neglected, but gifts can be as simple as a homemade card, some candy or a joke gift that will bring you a laugh.

love language quiz 

4.Quality Time

The love language of quality time is all about giving (or receiving) undivided attention. It is about feeling like your partner actually wants to spend time with you, even if you’re not doing anything together!

Reading books quietly side by side, special date nights on the regular, taking time to check in and be close with each other are all aspects of spending quality time with your partner.

It can be hurtful if your partner is flaky with plans, is distracted or texting during a date or doesn’t seem to be engaged when you’re having conversations. It can make you feel unimportant or like you’re playing second fiddle to other aspects of your partner’s life and they never have time to see you.

If your partner values quality time as a love language, try really paying attention to them when they talk about their day. Ask questions, and put down the phone! Take them on a romantic date, or book a vacation for just the two of you- whatever you can do to show your partner that time with them is just as important (if not more) than the time you spend on other parts of your life such as work or school. It’s not about making your partner your ONLY priority- it’s about making time spent together a priority that you take seriously and enjoy!

quality time 

5.Physical Touch

The love language of physical touch is not just reserved for sexually intimate moments- it can be non-sexual moments of physical affection, sweet kisses, tickles, or simply holding hands. Of course, sex can be a major expression of love no matter what your love language is!

You can feel rejected if you crave physical touch, yet your partner is shy about holding your hand in public. Similarly, if they only seem to kiss you when being sexually intimate, or if they don’t seem to want sex as often as you do… it can lead to confusing for those who value phyical touch. 

If physical closeness is important to you, any rejection of that closeness can really sting, and a lack of connection can make you feel lonely and distant.

If your partner needs physical touch as an expression of love, deliberately look for opportunities to touch them in everyday life: 

  • stroke their hair
  • hold their hand
  • scratch their back
  • give them a massage
  • Many hugs for no reason
  • Touch your feet together while you catch up on your tv shows

touch

If they feel like they have a higher libido than you do and need more sexual contact to feel loved, it may be time to evaluate your sexual communication and desires with the help of a registered therapist. 

Remember, you shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex if you don’t want to, and they shouldn’t pressure you either! 

To be clear, the love language of physical touch isn’t necessarily sexual, so finding ways to be closer in day to day life can be a worthwhile challenge you can begin to explore right away!

 

After reading about all five of the love languages, you may realize that one or two – or even all five – resonate with you. This is normal! 

Most people are a combination of all of the love languages in some way. The key is realizing which language you desire from a partner (and which language they desire from you) to bring clarity to how you communicate and show appreciation, and what your expectations are from loving relationships. 

Tip one… start by spending some time together taking a love language quiz!

LOVE LANGUAGE QUIZ HERE!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Sexless marriage

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage – and How to Fix It!

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage- and How to Fix It!

 

If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is easy to feel rejected, hopeless and a little embarrassed. A sexless marriage is more common than you may think, and is rarely a standalone issue.

A sexless marriage is usually a symptom of another issue you are having as a couple. The great news is that with the help of a therapist, these issues can be tackled and bring you closer together than before.

 

A Sexless Marriage vs A Dry Spell

All marriages will have “dry spells”- perhaps you have a busy month, someone is sick, or any other zillion things that can get in the way of some time between the sheets (or on the couch, or on the kitchen table, or in the car….). A sexless marriage is a chronic, prolonged amount of time that is abnormal for you as a couple and leaves both parties with unmet needs. Some experts say this means having sex less than 10 times per year, other experts are hesitant to put a number on it because needs and the definition of sex varies greatly from couple to couple.

sexless marriage

 

Reasons Why You’re in a Sexless Marriage

Again, it is worth working with a therapist to unpack any issues that are contributing to a sexless marriage, however the following reasons you may be in a sexless marriage can help get you and your partner reflecting on why- and how to begin fixing it:

 

  1. Lack of Communication

     

It always comes down to a lack of communication, doesn’t it?! While communication doesn’t seem sexy, a lack of it can really make for a sexless marriage! Not communicating when something is bothering you is a recipe for building resentment, which is very unsexy. While it may take some professional input to unpack resentments that have built over years or are even the result of a traumatic breach of trust such as infidelity, you can begin to cultivate the habit of communication. When something bugs you, or if you feel hurt or rejected, don’t hold it in but also try to avoid these crucial conversations if either of you are stressed, tired, angry or otherwise emotionally raw. Cool, calm and collected and willing to stop and listen to the other side is a great start!

 

  1. You don’t ever talk about sex

 

A sexless marriage can also be a symptom of shame and embarrassment around fantasies, perceived lack of knowledge or a lack of open communication (there it is again!) around desires you worry are taboo. Remember: no one is magically born with amazing sexual skills! Just like any other skill, it requires practice and feedback. If you’re in a sexless marriage because sex just isn’t satisfying or you have a desire you feel you can’t share with your partner out of fear, take the plunge and start talking about sex. It isn’t about laying out everything you don’t like about sex with your partner, it is about encouraging what works and discussing your needs, desires and boundaries!

 

  1. Performance Anxiety

 

“If I don’t try, then I can’t fail”. A sexless marriage can sometimes be a case of crippling performance anxiety that has become an ingrained mentality, kind of a bad mental habit. This of course ties into so many other issues: self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of communication about sex and desires, or even a physiological response to underlying trauma. If you avoid sex altogether because you are afraid of letting your partner down or being criticized, it might be time to do a deep dive with a therapist together to fix your sexless marriage and improve your self worth! You deserve a healthy, satisfying sex life and you can learn how to please each other, even if it takes a little outside help!

 

  1. You’ve Fallen into a “roommate” dynamic

 

Maintaining a household, splitting bills, cooking meals, cleaning, doing laundry, arguing over who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher- it can be easy to fall into a sexless marriage when the minutiae of day to day life takes over. You may be happily cohabiting, but is the small stuff piling up and getting in the way of seeing your partner in a way that invokes sexual desire? Obviously, as relationships progress that initial hormonal boost that made you so hot for each other int he beginning fades, but there’s no need to resign yourselves to a platonic existence!

 

A sexless marriage can be helped by deliberately making an effort to experience life (and your partner) erotically. Focus on parts of them that turn you on, or actions they take that make you feel aroused. Is paying a bill inherently sexy? No, but maybe the way your partner signs their name is, or how they lick their lips while they concentrate on how to reduce the overall energy expenditure next month, or the way their arm looks strong holding groceries can become new, more subtle turn ons.

Sexless marriage

 

  1. You rely on spontaneity

 

At the beginning, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and now you can’t even remember the last time you saw each other naked “for fun”. If your sexless marriage is a byproduct of feeling more like sex should “just happen”, why not add sex to the to-do list? It may seem like making sex “a chore”, but the opposite is true: it gives you something to look forward to, and a mandated opportunity to connect, touch, and experience intimacy. You can even plan themes or games that you want to try! Think of it like this- Valentine’s Day isn’t necessary or the only opportunity to show someone you love them, and it isn’t spontaneous, but having a specific day devoted to love and romance in addition to your day to day love or unexpected rendezvous is something to look forward to and make special. So make these planned “date nights” special, you deserve it! And who knows, it may become second nature and prompt more spontaneous encounters!

 

What now?

You’ve scoured the internet for advice on how to fix your sexless marriage and have picked up a few tips, so what now? Try them out! 

And most importantly, communicate, communicate, communicate! 

Take some time to discuss creative, kind and productive solutions, as well as what has been contributing to your sexless marriage- yet, listen to and empathize with your partner, and above all… don’t criticize. 

A sex therapist can help facilitate these conversations if you find you’re having trouble opening up or making productive changes. 

Never forget: it takes some work, vulnerability and communication, yet you can fix a sexless marriage!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

addictive personality

What is an Addictive Personality?

What is an Addictive Personality?

 

You may ask yourself, what is an addictive personality?

Addiction has multiple parts to it and many people state they have “addictive personalities.”

What the heck does that mean?

Do you know someone who becomes consumed with different things or people?

Do you or others you know seem to become obsessive in relationships?

Do you know someone who is compelled and seems out of control in various aspects of their life?

Do you wonder why you are out of control or do you struggle to be able to manage relationships without becoming obsessive?

Do you often find yourself going from one substance or “high” of New Relationship Energy (NRE) to another?


Big “A” vs Little “a”

These may be indicators of an “addictive personality.”

In my clinical practice, I use the “A”ddiction and “a”ddiction.

To me, “A” is the one most referred to in our society and within clinical settings and surrounds drugs, alcohol, compulsive gambling, and some schools of thought would include sex and/or food.

In that regard, I do not treat as many people with or specialize in the “A”.

To be clear, neither is more valid or important – both are equally important to focus on and treat. 

I would say I work with a lot of folks who engage in obsessive or addictive patterns that would fall under the little “a.” 

In my experience, addiction often focuses on someone’s need to numb or escape some type of emotion or experience.

This could be from trauma, anxiety, depression, dysfunctional relationships or family systems, etc.

People with “addictive personalities” often use addiction as a strategy to feel differently than they do in order to “function.” 

Whether people are experiencing “A” or “a”, both result in what I would consider a chemical reinforcement in our brain and often a physical or emotional reinforcement in our minds and bodies.

This chemical high is a major reinforcement of the strategy or the “thing” (person, drink, drug, etc) that becomes the compulsion. Does this sound like anyone you may know? 

Have you ever been this person?

In working with addiction, it would seem that most addiction comes from some level of trauma someone experienced within their life and their addiction is a way or strategy to manage this.

We so often focus on the behavior in treatment, and to be clear that can be VERY necessary, HOWEVER, I would argue that until we are able to treat what is below that behavior [and have someone understand the why and the what the pattern of behavior (or strategy)] will just continue.

Common Underlying Issues Related to “Addictive Personality”

  • Codependency
  • Trauma (physical, emotional, sexual, etc.)
  • Family members (biological) who have history of substance use (research shows genetic component)
  • Family members or community members who have substance use history
  • Common coping is avoidance
  • Narcissism or increased self-focus
  • Systemic Trauma (institutional racism, white supremacy, heteronormativity)
  • Frequently invalidated throughout life
  • External locus of control
  • Significant difficulty in self-regulation

The list of “addict personality” traits can go on and on!

Seriously, there are many more, and these are just common ones that I have noticed in our practice. 

We hope this answers your question for “what is an addictive personality?”

If you feel like this post speaks to yourself or someone you know, therapy can be a very effective way in doing this work. Various providers engage in different techniques to help people who struggle with addiction. I truly encourage people to really do the inner work to find more adaptive strategies that do not reinforce these addictive patterns. 

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

stop comparing

How to stop comparing yourself to others and other couples

How to stop comparing yourself to others and other couples

 

Is it finally time to stop comparing yourself to others… especially other couples? 

Whether a pair of celebrities or a couple in your circle of friends, there’s usually a couple in your life that you compare yourself to. 

STOP COMPARING! 

Yes… another couple may be physically beautiful, or somehow manage that magical balance of having creative careers and a satisfying sex life that they can’t help but brag about. 

A dynamite celebrity couple like John Legend and Chrissy Teigen may have you looking at yourself and your partner with disappointment – like what if you had the money, the fame, or chemistry… if only then, your relationship could be just as perfect!

You know though… that is what you want to believe.

Intellectually, you know they have issues too, yet at the back of your mind, you can’t help but hear the seductive whisper from your insecure subconscious: couples goals! 

You want to believe that the grass is greener on the other side… because that feels somehow enticing to compare.

Comparisons are often, if not usually, problematic, and especially when comparing your relationship to one that you only know through social media. 

Social media is where people can post a carefully curated version of themselves – you know “the projected” masked self. 

The version that is “airbrushed” without the flaws, the loneliness, and the lack of communication. 

We see this when people post a heavily-filtered selfie, or perhaps embellish their accomplishments to seem higher status. The same goes for relationships and couples goals that you are judging from afar.

So, seriously… Before you get too preoccupied with couples goals, stop your frantic, unrealistic comparisons and turn them into healthy aspirations for your own relationship.

Harmful Comparison: “They are always all over each other! We never even hold hands.”

Healthy Aspiration: “I would love to connect more by holding hands or physical touch in our daily lives. Is that something you are open to?” 

First of all, why are you envious (wanting what they have) about another couple’s PDA? 

If you find you are admiring couples that are physically affectionate on public platforms, it might be that you need more connection via touch in your relationship, or you’re more shy about PDA and wish you were able to be open about how much you are valued and appreciated in your relationship. 

Or… you may be single and focusing on others rather than working on yourself! 

You don’t need to do exactly what your inspirational couple is doing, or do anything you’re not comfortable with, yet taking the time to learn about yourself and to communicate to your partner about your needs and requests is a great start. 

It could be as simple as taking more photos together!

Harmful Comparison: “They post so many photos as a couple! My partner must be ashamed of me because they never post my picture.”

Healthy Aspiration: “How do I want to be shown I am loved? How does my partner? Is the way I am showing them love landing for them?”

Different strokes for different folks! #couplesgoals! 

When you see a couple posting a lot of photos, it can make you begin to wonder why you aren’t posting about your partner, or why they don’t post about you. 

Did this bother you before, or just after seeing another couple post about each other all the time? 

Is it about the public declaration of love, or do you genuinely prefer a quieter, more private relationship?

stop comparing yourself

Chances are your partner is NOT ashamed, and is just respecting your privacy as a couple or they just aren’t that into social media. 

Chances are you picked up on something that is more about you and your need than it is about them! It is your job to communicate THAT with your partner or to yourself to process in therapy. 

The most important thing is finding out what expression of love makes you feel most valued by your partner and yourself, and if it means more selfies, let them know! 

Be open to the new and creative approaches that come about! 

For example, putting a date night on the schedule, could mean more time spent together on hobbies, or them doing more stuff around the house, or even just telling you they love you!

Harmful Comparison: “Wow, they’re on another vacation together? We can’t even find a weekend getaway.”

Healthy Aspiration: “We need to make more time for adventures together- even if it has to be local!”

A tropical vacation would obviously be awesome, whether you bring your partner or not! Yet, the reality is, sometimes the money just isn’t there… or there is covid19. 

Also, the couple you are comparing yourself to may just have different priorities… so what makes you think using their strategies will actually bring you the same joy or pleasure it brings them? 

Perhaps you are saving for a house, yet they want to rent forever and never have children so they can travel. Or perhaps you have student debt because you have your dream career, yet they just have financial freedom. 

Notice the difference between what feels urgent and what actually is important to you. I have a bunch of clients who realized that they were just living a life that was photo worthy without actually getting pleasure from it. 

If you find yourself longing for more adventures, try and be creative with local options – a picnic, a night in a local hotel (with room service!), a short road trip to a nearby outdoor tourist attraction.  

Everyone can use a staycation – anything that will shake up the routine and get you out of the house… individually or preferably if partnered, together. 

Your envy towards this couple could also be a sign or dissatisfaction in areas of your life other than your relationship. 

Are there ways you can carve out more time for yourself and/or your partner? Are there areas of your life that are causing you more stress than they’re worth? 

It is worth discussing solutions with your therapist if you feel exhausted or like you need to escape in order to spend some quality time with your partner.

Harmful Comparison: “They look so perfect. We’ve really let ourselves go…”

Healthy Aspirations: “I’m happy we are so comfortable with each other and I would request you support me in my individual health goals if you can.”

It can be so hard not to hate on yourself when you see someone who you believe is more attractive, slim, or stylish than you. 

And if you’re a couple that are more the stay-at-home-in-sweatpants type you might feel a little inferior. But why should you?

stop comparing yourself

It can be a wonderful thing to be candid and comfortable with each other! 

Of course, everyone likes to put in some effort now and then, yet you can be sure that the couple you’re envying have days where they don’t want to glam up. 

And if they don’t, who cares? What works for YOU is what matters. 

Now, if you want to get into fitness together or change it up in other areas of life, it helps to be able to support each other. 

After all, you are two independent people with lives, goals, and aspirations. Therefore, helping each other achieve these dreams is about as noble of a goal you can have as a couple!

Bottom line – TLDR: comparison is harmful and you cannot know what other people are going through in their couples goals! 

It is much more productive to have couples goals for your unique needs as a couple – that reflect the needs of your unique relationship. 

Being in a couple and doing your own thing, being supportive of each other, and growing and developing with new communication strategies and new shared experiences? 

Now, THOSE are some couples goals!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

What Happens When We Fall In Love

Sex Therapist Explains: What Happens When We Fall In Love?

Sex Therapist Explains: What Happens When We Fall In Love?

 

So, you want to know what happens when we fall in love?

I’m so glad that you are interested in knowing what happens when we fall in love! and that you are getting through this time period by learning!

In this video, I’ll teach you what happens when we fall in love, how to know if you are falling in love, lust, attraction, or attachment, and how to tell the difference between if you are in love or just in a “high.”

Soon, you will know what happens when we fall in love better than most!

My tips for what happens when we fall in love will surely provide psychoeducation for you and your romantic partner(s)!

Can’t wait for you to learn and ask more questions on what happens when we fall in love!

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR “BEHIND THE SCENES OF COMMUNCATION” GUIDE

https://gn91oeao.pages.infusionsoft.net ←HERE

 

Watch now:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 PM EST

 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Sex Games for Couples

Advanced Sex Games for Couples

Advanced Sex Games for Couples

 

It’s time to have some fun and talk about easy sex games for couples you can use to keep things new and playful with your partners!

We’re all stressed out right now. Most of us are quarantined at home, worried about the coronavirus and the latest news on shutdowns and phased openings. Frankly, it can be overwhelming. When stress enters our lives, it distracts us from what we should be focused on. That includes the people we love and those we want to have sex with!

In my time with clients during the pandemic, sometimes the little problems or inequalities in our sexual relationships become larger. One person wants sex all of the time to take their mind off what’s going on, and another partner isn’t thinking about sex because they’re trying to hold it all together.

Sex games are the perfect way to lighten the mood and connect with your partner on a different level than what you’re accustomed to.

Here are some Kink/BDSM games and tantra tips that you can use immediately to shake things up.

 

What Is Kink and BDSM?

BDSM is thought of as a kinky and non-traditional sexual activity. 

What’s non-traditional, you might ask? 

As a long-time sex therapist, I probably have a different idea of what “normal” sex looks like than most people.

I think everyone has some type of kink, whether it be a sexual fantasy, a certain type of body shape, or some sexual power dynamic that really gets them off. I’m here to say, that’s totally OK!

Exploring your kink means you’re diving into what sex can do for you and how you feel the best with yourself and your sexual partners. Everyone’s into something, just most people are not into everything.

BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism) is the intersection where power dynamics and sexuality meet. Yes, there are typically toys and props like whips, chains, leashes, and other things involved. Some people love being tied up. Those are merely props. The main thing is the intention and the power play at work with the people having sex.

 

Sex Games for Couples New to BDSM

If you’re exploring your kink and want to give BDSM a try, here’s a game for you. It’s a fun and light game that will help introduce the idea of being powerful at times and submissive at others. What it involves is writing down certain parts of your body like back, lips, nipples, or thighs.

Then, on a different set of papers, you write out certain actions like a blow, suck, lick, or caress. Get creative! You and your partner take turns pulling one item from each list. So, you might get lick – nipples, and then have to lick your partner’s nipples and so forth.

The BDSM part is you allowing your partner to have the power as you submit to their sexual act and vice versa.

 

Who’s Calling the Shots?

Flipping the switch with who’s in charge during sex is another fun BDSM game that will ease you into the dominant/submissive world. It’s a simple concept.

At one- or two-minute intervals, you and your partner flip a coin to decide who is calling the shots. When you’re in charge, anything goes, and the same goes for when your partner’s boss. Of course, you should agree to some boundaries before playing with BDSM, so you both can feel safe exploring your sexuality.

 

Getting Deeper Into the BDSM World

As you become more comfortable in the BDSM world, you can start to introduce props into sex. Things like blindfolds, chains, ropes, whips, and other props sharpen the physical and emotional power dynamic during sex.

One great game to play with props is to tie your partner up and blindfold them, making them totally under your control. You can use vibrators to tantalize and tease them, slowing or speeding the pace of how turned on they are.

How far you’ll go will depend on your and your partner’s kink level. As you mess around with humiliation and degradation, you open yourself to new sexual experiences.

 

What Is Tantra?

Tantra is Sanskrit for weaving the energy between lovers. It emphasizes a very deep level of physical and emotional sexual connection.

Breathing is a big part of tantra. It’s the number one thing you need to be mindful of when you’re practicing tantric sex. You want it to be cyclical. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Sound also plays a big role. When I went to the Hawaii Tantra Festival, I realized how important sound is in sex. Different sounds elicit different reactions. We use different voices with friends, children, and pets, so why not our sexual partners?

Pay attention to the noises you make during sex. Why are you keeping your voice down? Do you feel comfortably letting out a loud moan when a touch fills you up? Explore the sounds you make. The sexual experience includes grunts, moans, requests, and make the sounds we want to.

 

Tantra Sex Games for Couples

Tantra games start early. You can begin by being touchy and flirty on a date or early in the day as you let your partner know you’re up for some fun later on. Here are a few fun tantric sex activities to try.

Massages – A massage table and some high-quality oils are a great way to teach each other how you like to be touched. You can lay your partner on the bed or the massage table and caress their body slowly with oils.

Your hands can eventually find their way to your partner’s breasts, vagina, or penis as the massage continues. You can even use your body instead of your hands for the massage. Climb up on the bed or table and, as you straddle over your partner, rub them with your chest, abdomen, and legs.

Eventually, you and your partner won’t be able to stand it anymore and you’ll move straight into some amazing, oily sex.

Striptease – Switch up the sexual routine by ordering your partner to lay on the bed and face you. Stand at the foot of the bed and begin to move side to side as you take off your clothing piece by piece. Extra points if you turn on some music to set the mood and already have on some sexy underwear before things heat up.

Finger Tracing – Grab your partner’s hands and show them where you like to be touched. Spend at least ten minutes guiding their hands around your arms, neck, thighs, butt, and other places that turn you on. Teach them, as you control your breathing, how to stimulate you and ask them to do the same for you.

Sex games for couples offer so much fun and pleasure for everyone. Learn the art of scheduling time for pleasure to take mood out of the game. When both of you know what’s on the table for sex, it makes offering consent and buy-in easier. Stop living with the idea that arousal lives outside of yourself and accept responsibility for your pleasure.

Ultimately, it will make sex games more rewarding and create an incredibly strong sexual bond between you and your partner.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

sex games for couples

6 Unique Sex Games for Couples

6 Unique Sex Games for Couples

 

Sex games for couples are great way ease into your wilder sex side. They keep things playful as you explore your sexual fantasies.

Have you ever dreamed about being tied up to the bed or having whipped cream licked from your navel and felt too afraid to ask?

There’s just something about knowing it’s a game. It takes the pressure off. The mood is light and you both have permission to laugh when something’s funny or awkward.

Getting playful in bed is also a fantastic way to break out of your routine. Now, any type of sex can be good sex. If you’re stuck in a sex routine with your partner, put on your optimist glasses and be thankful you have a routine!

If you’re interested in throwing some new moves, positions, toys, or powerplay dynamics into your sex life, though, sex games for couples are a great way to do it. So, let’s take a look at some games you can play with your partner to start dipping a toe into a deeper level of sexual fantasy.

 

Sex Popsicles

Changes in temperature, both hot and cold, alter sensations. If you’re looking for a way to add a twist to the way things feel, then this one’s for you.

In sex popsicles, you and your partner use ice cubes, frozen fruit, whipped cream, or any other frozen item you love in conjunction with oral sex. As you push or tickle your partner’s vagina or penis, the cold temperatures add intensity to the sexual stimulation.

Oral Sex For Woman

You can play this game in the 69 position or take turns pleasuring each other. The cold intensity of the game adds a playful power dynamic into sex. You can see how long you and your partner can stand the cold.

 

Simple Truth or Dare Sex Games for Couples

Truth or dare is one of the classic sex game for couples. I tell clients that truth or dare works so well because it adds the veneer of game playing into the relationship.

You may not feel comfortable asking your partner to try anal sex or bondage play. Your partner may secretly want you to stimulate the clitoris differently than you’ve always done, and feels bad about asking.

With truth or dare, the insecurity barrier is taken down because you’re playing a game. Any request that may be “too out there” can be laughed off. It gives you room to express your sexual fantasy without damaging your partner’s ego.

 

The Fantasy Raffle

You’ve heard of a swear jar, what about a sex jar? In the fantasy raffle, you and your partner write down sexual requests on a slip of paper and place them in a jar.

When you’re both in the mood for a little game, you can draw one or two slips out of the jar for you to try in bed. The important part of this same game, and really any other sexual encounter, is to focus on meeting both of your needs.

That may not mean you’re both always picking sexual fantasies from the jar. If your partner’s in the mood, and you’re not, pick some fantasies out, and have some fun. You can save your turn for the next time.

 

The Porn Voiceover

This sex game for couples will get you in the mood with a little commentary. Add some fun to pornography watching together by turning off the sound before the video starts.

Each of you chooses a role in the video and you’re responsible for choosing their back story and what they’re saying in the scene. You’re sure to get some laughs as you heat things up with an adult video before sex.

 

Bondage Play

BDSM isn’t for everyone. The people who love it, though, really love it. The addition of power dynamics, the submission, and dominance, insert another layer of complexity into your sexual routine.

You can experiment with being dominant and submissive, and your partner does the same. It’s great when you can switch roles or settle into the role that you discover you love.

Being tied up or tying someone up is about control. When someone else is in charge of pleasing you sexually, the result is often better and more intense orgasms. On the other hand, there’s something so sexually charging about controlling someone else’s sexual experience.

Sex games for couples

An important thing with bondage play is to always have a safe word and to take it slowly. With BDSM, you want to push the limits without taking things too far. Too far is different for each person, so you’re going to have to find what’s right for you and your partner.

 

Mirror Porn

In mirror porn, you follow the leader. The leaders are the porn actors in the video you’re watching.

You and your partner watch a pornography scene and do your best to follow the storyline. When the actors change positions, you follow suit. When there’s some hair pulling, you do the same.

It’s a fun game because pornography is often so over the top. The sounds and movements are exaggerated, so you’re bound to have some laughs as you try to match the on-screen intensity.

 

Choose Your Toy Adventure

Hopefully, you’ve got a few sex toys in the closet you use regularly already. If not, that’s your first step. Get a good vibrator as soon as you can.

In this sex game, go shopping beforehand. We’re lucky right now because we have so many online options available. There are thousands of sex toys. Everything from bondage ropes, to anal plugs, to incredible shapes of vibrators and more.

Before you and your partner have sex, spread the toys out at the end of the bed. Each of you takes turns selecting toys and telling your partner how to use them.

As you change toys, it will shift the sexual arousal and the direction sex goes. Save the best toys for last to make sure intensity builds as you go. Throw in a toy that explores play on sexual fantasies you want to try as well.

 

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do