New Year Resolution: 5 Questions For Couples to Consider as we End 2020

December 30, 2020/in Events, Lifestyle/by Amanda Pasciucco

New Years Resolution time as the year comes to an end, we offer 5 questions that couples should consider before ending the year.

What did we ACCOMPLISH in the relationship in 2020?
WHAT did I ACCOMPLISH in 2020?
What did we WANT to accomplish in the relationship but didn’t in 2020?
What did I WANT to accomplish but didn’t in 2020?
THE NEW VISION: What do you want to be celebrating by the end of 2021?

These questions are brought to you by Francesca Gentille, and I see them as highly valuable for couples ending one year and beginning another.

Not everyone enjoys New Year Resolutions; however, this is something you can do together.

What Did We Accomplish in The Relationship in 2020?

As couples, you should reflect on how you’ve spent your year so far. It helps you to discover ways of making your relationship better and being a better version of yourself.

It will help if you ask yourselves questions about what you’ve accomplished so far as couples in 2020. Doing this will help you plan and have a better 2021.

Asking yourself if you’re becoming the kind of partner you want to be to your partner will help you know if you’ve accomplished all you wanted to in the year.

You should ask yourself if you’ve provided your support and empathy to your partner and how much you’ve encouraged them throughout the year.

As a couple, working as an individual and then together can help you set the right path for your future and that of your partner.

You can discover what you’ve achieved for the year by ticking the boxes of the plans you both had for the year.

Did we achieve what we want in our career?
Did we get to develop ourselves as a couple?
Did we meet our financial goals for the year?
Did we enjoy our hobbies more than the previous year?
Has our spiritual life improved?
Did we care for our health the way we wanted?

These are some aspects where you both need to ask questions about your vision. Create more questions as they suit you, and write them down in a journal.

Knowing if you’ve accomplished your vision for the year will help you get a good head start for the next year.

What Did I Accomplish In 2020?

Before finding what you’ve accomplished in your relationship, you need to realize your accomplishments first. You need to find out if you’ve accomplished all you want in 2020 and discover ways of improving yourself in the coming year.

To know what you’ve accomplished as an individual, you must ask yourself some questions to see how you can improve in the coming year. You can start by writing down what you’ve accomplished in the year.

Write down the good things that you’ve experienced in your career, marriage, and family. Write down the list of things you failed to achieve for the year.

It will also help if you write down every unfavorable condition you found yourself in during the year. With this, you can know the next step of action on having a better 2021.

What Did We Want to Accomplish in the Relationship But Didn’t in 2020?

When you write down the list of things you didn’t accomplish in 2020, you may discover that you have accomplished a little in your relationship. As soon as you discover the things that you fail to accomplish in 2020, the next step is to find the means of achieving them in 2021.

The question you should keep asking yourselves is “What do we have to do to make this vision a reality.” Having a vision is different from accomplishing it. Accomplishing a vision comes with some unfavorable tasks that may want you to quit. It may even be the reason you weren’t able to accomplish it in 2020.

However, do not be discouraged or think that your vision is not right. Instead, accept the challenges that come with it. You can write down what you fail to accomplish in 2020 as a couple to find out where the problem is coming from. Do not be bothered or be negative about it in the coming year and always see the bigger picture.

What Did I Want to Accomplish But Didn’t in 2020?

It’s very normal to want to accomplish something but ended up not getting it throughout the year. Many factors could be responsible for this. So, do not flog yourself too hard. If you didn’t accomplish what you ought to in 2020 and they are a vital part of your vision, let them be at the top list of what you want to achieve in 2021.

Begin to work on them as soon as possible and they’ll be among your list of accomplishments for the year 2021.

The New Vision: What do You Want to Be Celebrating by The End of 2021?

You should know what you want and identify the things you have achieved and what you need to achieve by the end of 2021. When you have a vision, making it a reality will become easier.

Vision involves revising, recalling, and identifying your dream as a person and the one you also have with your partner. One way to discover your vision is by knowing what you want in your relationship and keeping to it, having a financial resolution ( buying a house, saving more, paying off your debts, e.t.c), and individual or personal resolution.

However, you may fail to realize your vision if you let some negative thinking and unhealthy behaviors take over your life. Some of these thinking include:

Feeling of guilt for wanting too much
Thinking that getting what you want is impossible
Believing that you’ll fail before even starting the new year
Being too anxious when you think about your vision
The thought that your partner will not support your vision or even laugh at you.

And the list goes on, so we recommend a New Year Resolution strategy for you and those around you!

Your vision may seem challenging when you look at it. This is normal as long as they excite you, are meaningful, and the results make a difference in your life as an individual or a couple.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Grief During Quarantining and COVID

December 9, 2020/in Health, Lifestyle, Trauma/by Nicole Scrivano

Grief During Quarantining and COVID

During the last 10 months something that has been clearer in my clinical practice is grief and the intersection of COVID-19. During this pandemic there are varying levels of grief that my clients are experiencing as a result of COVID-19.

What is Grief?

Grief is the experience of loss, usually associated with death. But we can experience it in a variety of different ways. Grief is typically experienced as high levels of emotional suffering and struggle. Following a loss (extreme sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, guilt, etc.).

Although, less talked about grief also comes with physical symptoms such as sleep difficulties, eating difficulties, changing in weight, fatigue, nauseous, aches and pains.

There are a variety of different processes of grief. One of the most well known is Kubler-Ross’ 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance).

Although a foundational in the concept of grieving, it does not necessarily mean that it is a step by step process (as described) or that everyone will engage in every stage. Also, these 5 stages were identified after researching the Holocaust (a genocide).

Types of Grief

Grief is not a one size fits all way to grief or one type of grief. Below are a list of different types of grief that people can experience:

Anticipatory grief
Complicated grief
Traumatic grief
Ambiguous loss
Delayed grief
Secondary Loss

There may be several various types of grief, these are the ones I see most clearly in my practice.

Grief and COVID

Frief is a complicated and broad topic. The amount of grief experienced collectively in our families, communities, country, and world is unique as a result of this pandemic.

COVID-19 has struck our world in massive proportions resulting in high levels of loss be it human life, jobs, access to friends and family, change in cultural norms, etc.

Death

Obviously, the death of people as a result of contracting COVID-19 is a horrendous experience for anyone and would be considered “traumatic grief.”

Many of my clients who have experienced the loss of someone to COVID-19 have had a difficult time. Many of my clients were not able to be with their loved one when they were hospitalized and then died. They were not able to hold celebrations or services for their loved ones. They were not able to access the support of others because of quarantine. Being isolated and not able to be with the loved one has been extremely difficult.

If the death was of a person who was not someone you are close to, you may be experiencing “secondary” or “vicarious” grief which is the loss of someone you knew. But may not have as significant daily impact. Although it might not have been your spouse, your parent, your child, OR your best friend, does not minimize the grief you may be experiencing.

Life in Quarantine

Life in Quarantine has created its own version of loss for our communities. People are social creatures and require connection so being in quarantine for as long as we have is not something healthy for us. Life in Quarantine has resulted in social isolation and connection via technology. People’s worlds have been turned upside down and have created high levels of struggle for many.

As a therapist, I am seeing higher levels of depression, trauma, and anxiety across the board. Clients are finding it hard to manage their symptoms because their is a lack of resources and connection. Isolation has become easier, self care has become more difficulty, and conflict is on the rise. People are stuck in the same environment 24/7.

People are needing to do everything from one space and as the weather gets colder. Options dwindle for being able to engage in some level of safe connection with others outside their household.

This dramatic change in the way we live our day to day lives is causing grief, a loss for life pre-covid.

Loss of Job and Resources

Businesses are struggling or shutting down. Thousands of people are losing their jobs. Resources are becoming more expensive as a way for some businesses to stay afloat. More and more continues to changes as COVID continues to be a predominant issue in our life.

The above stated losses are hard enough, add in the loss of jobs people have been experiencing, loss of financial stability and resources. And the ability to feel certainty is creating high levels of grief and stress culturally.

How do we Cope with Grief

On a variety of levels we are all struggling with grief right now. The best that we can do is try to facilitate support, connection, validation, love.

Ask for help or offering help to those we love and our communities. Noticing the privileges we have and areas that we can help those around us and our communities can be an important part of collective healing. Make no mistake, COVID-19 is a global trauma and in order to heal and survive this we need to work together to collectively grief, support, and heal.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

What Does Cisgender Mean?

November 27, 2020/in Gender, Lifestyle, Men, Women/by Amanda Pasciucco

What Does Cisgender Mean?

If you are on the mobile app dating scene, you have likely come across the term “cisgender.”

Whether it is cisgender, straight male or cisgender queer woman, there seem to be endless labels to self-identify.

Let’s go through the basics of gender identity vs sex vs sexuality to gain a deeper understanding of the term cisgender.

Mirriam Webster’s Definition of “Cisgender”:

“Of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity corresponds with the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth.”

This means that if a baby is born, and the doctor assigns them as “male” based on them having a penis or “female” based on them having a vagina, and the person identifies with how they were assigned at birth, they are cisgender, or cis for short.

What is Gender?

To better understand and contextualize the term “cisgender,” let’s look at what gender even is.

Gender is a social construct around the “rules” of what is considered masculine and feminine. It is how you identify on the spectrum of these characteristics and is more about how you feel internally than what genitals you have.

There are dozens, if not hundreds, of different gender identities, though in the mainstream up until recently we only had “male” and “female”, aka the gender binary. Now there are people who even identify as being nonbinary, agender or genderqueer. The definition can vary from person to person, though basically it means they do not identify with either spectrum of the gender binary.

When someone lists their pronouns, this is based on their gender identity, which is the way they feel inside about their identity in the context of society’s ideals of masculine and feminine.

What is Sex?

Sex is a collection of biological markers and attributes that the scientific community has designated to describe a person’s gender in the past, though now it is becoming more common to not let someone’s biological sex determine their gender identity.

The truth is, even sex isn’t black and white. There are genitals, hormones, chromosomes and other characteristics that can vary wildly, and to not acknowledge that sex and gender are separate excludes folks who are born with ambiguous sex characteristics, otherwise known as people who are intersex.

Your sex is how a member of the medical community would likely describe your physical, biological body, and is not indicative of gender expression. There are men with vaginas, women with penises, and everything and anyone in between.

What is Sexuality?

Sexuality is the easiest to understand: it’s about who you do (and don’t) want to have sex with. Someone can be cisgender and gay, because your gender does not dictate your sexuality. Someone can also be transgender and straight, again the two are unrelated.

Sexuality is also said to be on a spectrum, such as the infamous Kinsey Scale. Though it is becoming out of date, it was revolutionary for its time and made the world reconsider the idea of straight and gay, and the wonderful world of sexualities in between, including people who are asexual. They may not want sex at all, or under very specific circumstances!

Cisnormativity

Since we live in a colonial, heteronormative culture, the culture is also largely cisnormative, meaning the “default” has always been to assume people are cisgender. It is important for us to consider in which ways we subconsciously enforce cisnormativity, making the world a less inviting place for folks who are not cis.

Some examples include always using the terms “ladies and gentlemen” when addressing a group, or terms like “guys” or “policeman/woman”. Using gender neutral terms for group situations ensures that you have everyone covered with respect. Try using terms like “folks”, “friends”, or for professions that are gendered there are usually alternatives, such as “server” instead of waiter or waitress, or “police officer” instead of policeman or policewoman.

Learning the differences between sex, sexuality and gender have hopefully helped you understand what it means to identify as cisgender, and be a better ally to our nonbinary, trans and two spirit friends.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Why Am I Depressed?

November 25, 2020/in Health, Lifestyle, Online Therapy, Trauma/by Amanda Pasciucco

Why Am I Depressed?

If you have been asking yourself “why am I depressed?” you should know that with all of the curveballs 2020 has thrown at us, you are definitely not alone!

When you ask yourself “why am I depressed?”, that is a strong sign that it is time to seek professional help from a therapist. Luckily, telehealth therapy during COVID19 has made access to counseling easier for individuals who need it.

Don’t blame yourself if you are feeling depressed: you are not lazy, you are not a failure, and there is nothing “broken” about you that can’t be rebuilt. Let’s take a look at some reasons why you might be feeling depressed.

The Pandemic

The pandemic has been a trigger for many circumstances that can cause depression.

Isolation: if you are unable to see anyone in your social circle or family because they do not live with you, this quarantine will have been especially difficult. Feeling isolated from those you love can increase feelings of depression, and can make you feel far away from any support systems you had in place.
The death toll: the COVID19 virus has resulted in a huge loss of life, and it is a sobering and depressing thought. Grief, fear, pessimism and rage may be some of the feelings you are experiencing around the sheer numbers of those affected by the virus.
The nature of the news cycle: while it is important to stay informed, the news cycle can wreak havoc on your mental health. The constant changes, the bombardment of bad news and zero focus on positive stories can paint a bleak picture and make you feel hopeless.
Losing your job: many businesses large and small have had to furlough their workforce or lay them off, or they’ve gone out of business entirely. If you have lost your job, you aren’t just losing income, you are potentially losing security, opportunities, plans and feel like your ability to survive and provide is at risk. You may also feel unimportant if you were laid off and other staff weren’t, or like your sense of self is pretty shaky when you aren’t working.
Losing a loved one: grief is a natural response to the death of a loved one, and the circumstances around deaths by any cause during the pandemic have made it difficult to have closure. The inability to mourn with loved ones or pay respects at funerals or the inability to hold your loved one’s hand as they pass can be difficult to process.
Cancelling plans: if you had a wedding, event or special trip that was meaningful it can be devastating to cancel plans. Non refundable deposits or constant rescheduling can make you feel stressed and depressed.

Physical Factors

If you have been ill it can be a trigger for depression, either physically or due to having a new, foreign relationship with your body and its limitations.

If you have gained or lost weight you may be feeling depressed based on how you perceive yourself and how your body has changed in quarantine.

There are hormonal and neurochemical factors that can trigger depression in some individuals. These factors can be controlled with medication and therapy, so it is important to seek help if you are feeling off.

World Events

On top of the immediate effects of the pandemic, there have been many world events that may make you feel depressed.

Racial injustice: feeling like your life doesn’t have value because of the color of your skin or feeling helpless to change the injustices of the world. Viewing disturbing footage of violence, protests and riots, wanting to attend protests but can’t for health reasons. Feeling guilty about past or present actions.
The election: no matter which party you plan to vote for, the constant rhetoric and worries about trying to get your vote counted and in on time can be overwhelming. Feeling like the world hangs in the balance if your candidate does or does not get elected or re-elected, or even just having arguments with family about politics can leave you feeling isolated, frustrated and sad.
International tensions: China, Russia, Iran, sanctions, threats, Armenia, the explosions in Beirut, the mass shooting in Canada, the violence happening in Nigeria- the world has been a very busy place and it is easy to feel helpless.

What Should I Do?

It can be tempting to try to battle depression on your own and without outside intervention, however you deserve to have guidance and support!

If you are feeling depressed to the point of suicidal, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can put you in touch with someone immediately by calling 1-800-273-8255, or go to your nearest hospital emergency room.

If you are feeling depressed and you are not in immediate danger, book an appointment with a therapist. They can assess you and help you create a plan to tackle depression, and can refer you to other mental health professionals if needed. Finding a therapist is more convenient and accessible than ever as most are offering telehealth options. You can even find a therapist outside of your own state!

By asking yourself “why am I depressed?” you have already taken an important first step, so take some time to care for yourself and open up to a loved one and a professional.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Post Election Stress and Using Compassionate Communication

November 20, 2020/in Health, Lifestyle, Trauma/by Nicole Scrivano

Post Election Stress and Using Compassionate Communication

If you haven’t read part 1 of our post election stress series, please click here.

Post election stress is here to stay as we transition administrations.

In the meantime, we will give you our specific examples on how to communicate during this time.

Use Compassionate and Non Violent Communication

If you work with me or others at our practice, you have probably heard about Non-Violent (or Compassionate) Communication (NVC). If you have not, look it up!

Great resources on ways to learn to communicate differently and in a way that our culture has not done a great job developing. Marshall Rosenberg wrote books on it and there is a website.

The premise of NVC is to be able to communicate more compassionately, kindly, and effectively.

This is recommended in being able to take accountability for our role, acknowledge our feelings, be respectful, and set boundaries or make requests.

So the “I feel ______________ when (insert experience or concern of behavior) and am wondering if you would be willing to ______________ (needs, boundary or request).”

post election stress

Using NVC focuses on using “I statements” to reduce blame, acknowledge our role, and build ways to understand through identifying our own needs.

This helps us communicate with those around us and be able to slow conversations down through engaging in validation and reflective listening.

Again, this is NOT about agreeing with someone, it is about being able to sit in discomfort and still hear another person.

Does this mean that if someone is sharing something harmful and is continuing to cause harm that I keep having the conversation or the relationship? NO.

If you are in a conversation and you are doing suggestions from Part 1 and Part 2 of this blog, and there is a lack of respect, kindness, or compassion – you have a clear right to set a boundary using NVC and remove yourself, if necessary.

There are times where we do everything we can to facilitate and engage appropriately and it is just not okay for us to continue. This is where you can request space, time, or boundaries around the conversation.

Real Examples of How You Can Apply This:

Some of my clients have set boundaries around not speaking about politics.

Some have a system in place where they say a code word when things become heated and take 20-30 minutes to de-escalate alone and then return and try to continue the conversation and then rinse and repeat until they get through it.

Many of my clients set timers and engage in an activity called “active listening” where one person speaks, the other listens, when the speaker is done they validate through reflecting back what the speaker said, then the speaker identifies if they felt heard, then if they do they reverse roles, and if they don’t, then they clarify what they were missing.

Some of my clients have chosen to stop having relationships indefinitely or for a set amount of time (space) from the relationship. Some have ended relationships completely.

Whatever you decide to do, I think it is important that you are responding rather than reacting. Responding is thoughtful, conscious choices vs reacting which is acting abruptly or without conscious thought. I usually encourage people to engage in these tips before making such a decision, unless there is an issue of safety or abuse or significant harm being done.

Unsurprisingly, I also recommend engaging in therapy if that feels right for you, as a way to figure out what you might need so that your decision is indeed coming from a responsive vs. reactive place.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Guide to Surviving Conversations in 2020 Post Election Anxiety

November 18, 2020/in Health, Lifestyle, Men, Women/by Nicole Scrivano

Guide to Surviving Conversations in 2024 Post Election Anxiety

The 2024 post election anxiety has contributed to an incredibly stressful time for many of us.

As we gear up for the holiday season, I thought it pertinent to write about ways to communicate about post-election anxiety with various individuals around many important topics.

Most of my sessions the last week or two (minimum) have focused predominantly on post-election anxiety:

whether that was the stress of the outcome
human rights concerns
communication on different perspectives and opinions with those around them
fear of police brutality
fear of civil war or violence within communities
issues surrounding boundaries.

Although I could write a whole post about the election itself and the various observations I have, I imagine that it would be more helpful to hear tricks and tips to navigate this rather than to hear me “rant.”

Check yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Most of all, it is important to remember to check your privilege.

What do I mean by that?

Well, the more privilege you have, the more difficult it may be for you to relate to someone who has a different privilege status (i.e a different set of barriers).

For instance if you are a white, cisgender, middle class, heterosexual woman, you have a different level of privilege compared to someone who is a multiracial, transgender man who lives pay check to pay check.

I share this because for people of various communities, there were significant policy and human rights issues on the line.

So if you are coming from different privilege spaces it’s important for you to notice if safety was on the ballot for you this year.

Safety can look like the right to marry, the right to walk on the street, financial security, health care, rights over your body, etc.

There are many examples, and these are just BRIEF examples of what that might look like.

I share this because so many of my clients have shared either struggling to understand some levels of reactivity from certain people in their lives or the lack of understanding and compassion.

One of the main issues I have seen are clients feeling like people are not understanding the level of safety and harm that can be done with specific policies.

So please be aware that recognizing your privilege in conversations is important.

Take a Deep Breath… Slow Down!

In heated conversations it is important to to take a deep breath and I tell many of my clients “slow the F*** down.”

I say this because when we are not breathing, we are literally unable to hear or speak in a way that is effective or productive.

Our body literally starts to go into survival mode which depending on our lived experience can throw us into what I like to call a “trauma tornado” or get you a “ticket on the trauma train” which is my silly way of saying a “trauma spiral.”

Breathing is so important. So just breathe. Post Election Anxiety

Slow down.

Take a breathe (inhale) for 1….2….3….4.

And hold it for 1….2….3….4.

Then exhale breath for 1….2….3….4.

Then hold for 1….2….3….4.

If you practice this daily, it will help you have more control over your body and breath, and thus, it will allow you to engage in the moment in diaphragmatic breathing.

In my experience (personally and professionally), when we do not do this we lose our ability to remain in the conversation and be within our integrity.

Seek to Understand Rather than Be Understood

This one is a little bit complicated and nuanced as the first one was.

Seek to understand means to ask questions and use curiosity.

If you are in a curious space, you are able to be in a space of learning which puts your brain in a different focus and allows you to try to understand (not agree) with whomever you are speaking with.

When we seek to understand, people can feel less defensive or critical.

When people are in a defensive or critical position we are leaning into an argument style of communication or what will likely be an ineffective conversation.

We seek to understand, we seek to collaborate with who we are working with, rather than convincing someone.

So often in therapy, I watch people act as if I am the judge and they are in front of me and each other to convince the other that they are right.

When we are focused on being right rather than understanding no one “wins.” And again if we are focused on “being right” or “winning” the argument that is not about connection or compassion that is about disconnection, shame, and/or rejection. Also, if we are focused on winning or only being understood… that is not usually helpful or productive.

Validation. It’s a buzz word in our culture and in therapy. And this is a BIG part of seeking to understand rather than be understood. Validation is about hearing the other person NOT AGREEING.

Let’s say that again for those in the back…

Validation is about hearing and understanding someone’s perspective. NOT AGREEING.

So validating someone’s perspective is not agreeing with their point of view. At.All. It is about showing the person that you were listening and not just in your head thinking about a response (Guilty! I have done that… not my best strategy!). Validation is reflecting back to someone what they said in order to show that you are listening… or seeking to understand them.

The reason these things are important is because it allows the conversation the best opportunity and chance to not end in an explosion.

If you are still with us and want to learn more, stay tuned for our Friday download about how to communicate when you have post election stress.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Long Gloves for Costumed Sex Ideas

November 2, 2020/in Creating Desire, Intimacy, Lifestyle/by Amanda Pasciucco

Long Gloves for Costumed Sex Ideas

Instead of throwing away those long gloves from halloween or stuffing them in the closet for next year, how about you consider using them for a fun date night scene?

It is my sense that human beings have core universal needs which is beautifully captured in http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory.

These inner human needs are like nutrients for our psyche and our sensuality. long gloves

When our needs are fulfilled we feel whole, joyful, comfortable, and expansive.

When our needs are depleted or unmet, we feel uncomfortable, constricted, and unsatisfied.

While most of us have a longing or desire for fulfillment so that we may return to a state of wholeness, partnered sex and role play can sometimes bridge the gap between a variety of consenting adults with different interpersonal and sexual needs.

Long gloves are a common staple in a variety of closets and costumes, and one can say that an elegant role play is often in style.

Here are some of our favorite role plays that include long gloves!

Inner Seductress

To play with this archetype, put your long gloves on and cultivate your confidence.

One way to use long gloves is to imagine what other clothing your inner seductress wears.

With the long gloves on, seduce your partners’ skin in a sensation of orgasmic bliss. Yes… the skin is orgasmic! This flavor isn’t about the genitals. It is about the skinsation!

Mistress and sub

Bring you and a partner out in public, you as the Top and them as the submissive.

This is a mental long gloves connection… The little touches and discrete affection in public when you are holding hands while wearing gloves is exciting and exhilarating. This all goes a long way mentally.

Adding another dimension to this is that kink and BDSM have a range of play.

Behaviors like top and bottom are contained under the umbrella of kink terms, and they do not always involve sexual contact. Actually, some prefer the erotic change of being in charge or having their power and choices limited for some period of time.

The long gloves can symbolize that even in your bedroom.

Photographer and Model

Put on your long gloves and have your partner (this can work with newer sex partners who have established trust and boundaries as well) take photos of you in the long gloves.

And nothing other than the long gloves when it is someone you actually trust, vs someone you just met (or have known under 4-18 months).

Check Out All Our Additional Sex Therapy Video

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Super Spooky Halloween Sex Tips

October 30, 2020/in Creating Desire, Intimacy, Lifestyle/by Amanda Pasciucco

Super Spooky Halloween Sex Tips

Halloween sex is a perfect time to let loose your inner witch, warlock or werewolf! Whether you are looking to try something a little different or push your boundaries to the extreme, there are plenty of tricks and treats to try this season.

Halloween sex can be fun, funny, scary (in a good way!) and is a perfect opportunity to unleash your creativity…and the beast within!

Sex for Witches

Spells, potions, candlelight, crystals and potions- these are real turn ons for sexy witches! Set the mood by lighting your favorite candles, away from your flowing robes of course. Place crystals around the bedroom to encourage sensuality and fantasy fulfillment. Rose quartz, red garnet and jasper can all encourage sexual energies.

Conjure arousal with potent aphrodisiacs like oysters or dark chocolate, or sexy botanicals like maca, red ginseng and fenugreek. Get out your favorite spell book and find a recipe for a delicious love potion. I find margaritas do the trick!

What to wear? How about nothing? Dance naked in the moonlight with your partner, letting the glorious light cascade over your bodies as you intertwine passionately.

If you have no one in your coven to dance with, find your special, body-safe silicone broomstick with the ten different vibration settings and cast a love spell on yourself over and over again. If you can’t find a broom, you can also use a crystal dildo made from rose quartz or jade. Chakrub makes beautiful sex toys from crystals for sexy witches and mortals alike.

Sex for Ghosts

You don’t have to be into spectrophilia to enjoy the cold embrace of love in the afterlife. For a spooky Halloween sex idea, put your clean bedsheets in the freezer and lay them on the bed before getting down to business.

The cold sheets will give you a chill down your spine, and perk up all your senses.

More into shape shifting Victorian ghosts? Halloween sex in a beautiful costume will help you live out the period romance you’ve been dreaming of! Corsets, ruffles, garters and nightgowns by candlelight can strike the perfect balance of spooky and sexy.

Want to get really weird? Set up a spooky haunted house scenario for your lover (with their consent of course!). Blindfold your partner and lead them through the house where you have set up spooky sensory experiences. A haunted house classic is a bowl of peeled grapes as eyeballs, let your imagination run wild, perhaps an ice cube in your mouth for cold, ghoulish kisses or a new toy to make them scream with pleasure.

Sex for Mummies

Massaged with perfumed oils from head to toe and then bound tightly? Who knew mummies could be so sexy!

Ancient Egyptians were known to use sweet almond oil, rose, and thyme during mummification, so use your lover’s favorite luxurious oils and perfumes to give them a relaxing massage before tying them up tightly.

Using ripped strips of cotton sheets instead of rope is beginner friendly and still gives the excitement of bondage. The power dynamic and the feeling of being tightly squeezed with no escape can be scary in all the right ways when done consensually.

Bind your mummy’s legs or arms and shower them with sensual affection that they cannot reciprocate. They’ll be dying to burst from their binds, so feel free to take turns torturing each other!

Sex for Vampires

Perhaps the sexiest creature of the night, vampire fantasies abound from Anne Rice to Twilight. There are even people who live like vampires and drink their lover’s blood!

You don’t need to go that far to enjoy vampire-approved sex. A few lube manufacturers have created blood colored lube to give a gory twist to your sex life. Not for the faint of heart, this is a safe and scary way to make a big mess.

Having sex during your period is an extra delight for creatures with blood lust and can save you from spending your money on that bloody lube. Lay down a soft towel to preserve Dracula’s sheets, or throw caution to the wind and just enjoy making a mess together.

If you love the romantic thrill of vampires however you’re squeamish about blood, kiss your lover’s neck, giving light to firm love bites. They may leave a mark, so make sure you have a turtleneck to wear to work! Wink wink.

Drink a blood inspired cocktail together, like a blood orange screwdriver or sangria, which is derived from the Spanish term for “bloodletting”. Yummy.

Sex for Werewolves

Instead of a silver bullet, how about a bullet vibrator? Tease your partner with this tiny and powerful vibrator until they howl at the moon!

Into hairy wolf people? Halloween sex is a fun night to break out some costumes and act out some aggressive, animalistic fantasies. Set boundaries and safe words beforehand and enjoy tearing each other apart. Dig your nails or teeth into their skin, pull their hair, and definitely let out some growls of passion.

You don’t have to be a furry to enjoy a beastly costume, have fun with the campiness and novelty of a different character in the bedroom.

Sex for Mortal Candy-Lovers

The best part of Halloween isn’t the scary movies or sexy costumes- it’s the candy of course! While it is fun to sit and eat a bowl of treats while watching Scream for the 85th time, why not try something a little naughtier?

Get tricks and treats by including you and your partner’s favorite goodies into sexy time. Just remember, no sweets in vaginas or you can risk an infection. Instead, try using candy in creative ways!

A candy necklace doesn’t have to go on your neck. Try putting it around your leg like a garter, or wrap it around the shaft of your partner’s penis. The biting can feel a little dangerous and can be oh so sexy. Just ask your vampire friends!

A little light bondage or choking with shoelace licorice, or placing small candies along your partner’s body and eating them off can be a sensual treat.

And if you have some whipped cream left over from pumpkin pie? Well, you know what to do…whipped cream isn’t just for Halloween sex!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Questions for Couples Who Never Apologize

October 9, 2020/in Couples, Lifestyle, Sex Therapist/by Amanda Pasciucco

Questions for Couples Who Never Apologize

If you’re in a relationship and can’t ever seem to apologize, or have a partner who won’t, there are some questions for couples that you can explore to get to the root of the issue.

It can be incredibly difficult to apologize if you’ve done something wrong, and sometimes it can feel like a sign of weakness. These questions for couples who never apologize should help you and your partner navigate the complications around apologizing and help you open up more loving communication.

Why Is There Tension Around Apologizing?

This is one of the most important questions for couples who struggle to apologize. Until the “why” is addressed, it can be very difficult to move forward.

Open communication around how we hurt one another takes a lot of vulnerability, humility and bravery. It means putting aside pride, being open minded and letting go of being “right”.

So ask yourself: why can’t I apologize? Were you discouraged from apologizing as a kid? Did you grow up in a household that didn’t value apologies? Do you feel shame and weakness around admitting you’re wrong?

As a couple or as individuals, it can be beneficial to consult a therapist to help unravel what is blocking you from moving forward in a more open, communicative and humble way as a couple.

In the meantime, there are many questions for couples struggling with apologies that can get the conversation going.

Can you acknowledge your partner’s positive traits?

When you are seeking an apology, you can’t just demand one! So, start by acknowledging the positive traits of your partner.

When you are not in the heat of an argument, and want to broach the subject of deserving an apology, sit down with your partner and begin the conversation with the things you value most about them.

Explain why you are grateful for their partnership: perhaps they are supportive of your career, or are incredibly affectionate, or are a wonderful parent. Tell them you love them.

This opens the conversation from a place of love and gratitude rather than blame and hurt. If your partner tends to become defensive in disagreements, this can help them take their guard down. It signals that the conversation isn’t about criticizing them or blaming them for everything bad in the relationship.

Can You Hold Each Other Accountable?

The conversation can get a little more delicate at this point. It will require you to be humble and open, and accept responsibility for your half of the problem. Accountability for the way you respond to your partner, and accountability for telling them how you truly feel.

Keep the conversation about how their actions (or inactions) make you feel: don’t attach intent to their actions. Something like “When you do X I feel Y” or “When you said X it made me feel like I’m Y”.

It isn’t constructive to attach assumptions or interpret their intentions. Saying things like “You said that to make me feel stupid” comes from a place of blame, whereas “When you said that, it made me feel like my intelligence is undervalued” keeps the focus on your reaction.

A lot of times, this is when someone will apologize. It surely wasn’t their intent to make you feel that way, and they may explain what their intentions were.

If you are the person who has trouble apologizing, ask yourself: how can I speak to my partner in a way that makes my intentions clear without belittling them? Can I own my 50% and be humble enough to apologize for hurting their feelings or letting them down?

Can You Conclude With An Apology?

If for some reason you have trouble saying “I’m sorry”, there are ways to apologize with different language.

By acknowledging that what you did was hurtful or wrong and stating why it was hurtful or wrong will be a great foundation for forgiveness. Acknowledging the “why” informs your partner that you understand where they are coming from and will be able to recognize how to fix it.

If you are the one seeking an apology, conclude with “what comes up for you when I say this?” Your partner may need time to process what you have told them. After all, they may not have been aware that they even hurt you!

This question opens the floor for them to comment on their feelings, clarify their intentions and acknowledge that they have hurt you.

There is a possibility that they will become defensive or feel embarrassed. This is not unexpected, and they may just need time to go and figure out what they are feeling and what they want to do.

When Is It Time To Let Go?

Is it ever okay to let go without an apology? Yes! If your partner has shown changes in their behavior, or it doesn’t matter to you, or they’ve made it up to you in other ways this can be fine.

It isn’t okay if they continuously accuse you of “making it up” or continue the hurtful behaviors.

Gaslighting and belittling are not okay, and if they are unwilling to change or communicate, it may be time to move forward without them.

Forgiveness is a personal choice, and you are never obligated to forgive someone for a major betrayal or breach of trust. Forgiveness does however help you minimize the hurt and grow from the experience, and keeps you from wallowing in bitterness and resentment.

Forgiveness isn’t easy, and apologizing isn’t easy either! If this is a recurring issue for you, consider these questions for couples who can’t apologize and consult with a therapist to help you move forward- ideally together!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

What does Queer Mean?

October 5, 2020/in LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle/by Amanda Pasciucco

What Does Queer Mean? LCAT founder Amanda Pasciucco and therapist Nicole Scrivano were interviewed by Cosmopolitan Magazine to help explain its meaning.

Written by SOPHIE SAINT THOMAS and CARINA HSIEH

What does queer mean?

Queerness is an umbrella term that is both an orientation and a community for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?

While you might’ve heard the word used as an insult, the term “queer” has recently been reclaimed by the community to be empowering and create a sense of community, rather than deragatory, says Amanda Pasciucco, AASECT certified sex therapist.

Who falls under the “queer” umbrella?

To Pasciucco, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. She adds that the term queer indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (also sometimes called “questioning”), intersex, and or asexual, aka the LGBTQIA+ community. For Pasciucco herself, she also utilizes the + sign when referring to the queer community, to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals, and even those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy.

However, the definition of queerness also varies depending on who you ask. As Pasciucco explains herself, “To be clear, as a person who is mostly in other sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus, ought to be included in the community.” The word queer is intentionally vague (more on that below) and with such vagueness also comes different interpretations.

Is “queer” a sexual identity or a gender identity or can it be both?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s dynamic and a fluid movement, “beyond the binary of cisgender and hetereonormativity.” Queerness is intersectional! As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues and an LMFT, explained in a blog post:

“as queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

READ NICOLE’S ENTIRE BLOG ON QUEER WOMEN

To help clarify the definition of queer some more, here’s a firsthand account from writer Sophie Saint Thomas on identifying as queer and more about the word:

“I’m queer,” I told my Tinder match, who was an extremely hot straight dude. When that confused him, I added, “…and bisexual.” I date people of all genders, but my queer identity is so much more than a label to clarify who I date and have sex with. He seemed relieved to know that sex with him was still on the table and that queer wasn’t a synonym for gay, which, even in 2019, can still confuse the best of us.

Queer is a word that clarifies that I’m not straight and ties me to the larger queer community, but it doesn’t categorize me as gay. The vagueness of the term is intentional— queer is an identity created for anyone outside of the heterosexual norm and meant to be inclusive and create a sense of acceptance. But what, exactly, does it mean to be queer? Could you be queer? To clarify what the term means, Cosmo spoke with Kelly Wise, PhD, a queer sex therapist, about how queer evolved from a gay slur to an encompassing—and even welcoming—word used by folks all across the LGBTQ spectrum (and, controversially, even some straight folks too).

Queer is an umbrella term

Language evolves with society, often due to the brute force and fierceness of those who wish to see change. Such is the case for queer, a term predominantly used by the LGBTQ community to stake a contrast from mainstream, heteronormative society. “When I think about ‘queer,’ I just think ‘different,’” Wise says.

While all labels used to describe one’s sexual orientation are unique to the individual, unlike homosexual (an attraction to the opposite gender), queer is an umbrella term that can be used by anyone under the LGBTQ spectrum. Queer conveys both an orientation and a sense of community.

“The community aspect states, ‘Because we’re all different, we can celebrate our differences. I can accept you for who you are, and there’s power in numbers,’” Wise says. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.” Some folks who fall somewhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer rather than bisexual (attraction to both your own gender and genders other than your own) or pansexual (attraction regardless of gender). Others will use both and introduce themselves as “bisexual and queer,” for instance. The term queer is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

Say it with pride

The celebration and use of the word queer is one of reclamation. Not too long ago, queer was still used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says. “The reclamation of the word is like, ‘This is who I am. We don’t need to be like everyone else; let’s celebrate our differences, and don’t try to put me in any sort of box of who you need me to be because I’ll continuously try to break down the boxes.” It is worth noting that while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history.

Despite the progress, the word queer isn’t without controversy—some people within polyamorous or kink communities identify as “queer” even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean that there’s not some queer aspect of you,” Wise says.

While some agree that polyamorous sexualities count as “different” (and therefore “queer”) others feel that for a straight, poly person to describe themselves as queer is piggy-backing on decades of LGBTQ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities. But to keep it simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQ umbrella, rather than the heterosexual norm. There are as many ways to identify as queer as there are people who do so—so if you feel you may be queer and want to own that, go forth with pride.

Read the full article to learn more about what queer means.

Sex Positive Parenting! Let’s Talk about Sex… Baby.

September 30, 2020/in Intimacy, Lifestyle/by Nicole Scrivano

Sex Positive Parenting! Let’s Talk about Sex…Baby.

Sex and sexuality are more often than not stigmatized in our society, especially around our children and sex positive parenting.

Often, parents shame, objectify, or stigmatize most sexual behavior throughout child and adolescent development. In doing so, we set children up to have a lack of knowledge and understanding about their own sexuality, body, identity, and pleasure.

In our country, we do a disservice to all by not engaging in age-appropriate sexuality education throughout childrens’ lives and avoiding sex positive parenting into adulthood.

As parents, adults, educators, and therapists we are all responsible for helping break this pattern to build curiosity and appropriate understanding of their bodies, identity, and pleasure.

Sex Positive Education for All Ages

I am fortunate to be a mother of a one and a half year old.

You can bet I am starting her education around her body now.

So you literally start sex positive parenting with babies… how do you ask?

Use accurate terms for different parts of their body (including genitals)
- ex. Vulva, penis, vagina, clitoris, anus, butt, etc.
Allow exploration of their bodies.
- With age and understanding you can create boundaries as to when and how this is appropriate
Support appropriate curiosity
Include clitoris-centered pleasure
Discuss body safety and informed consent
Allow space to discuss and learn about the different stages of sexual development
- Self exploration, terminology, questions about their bodies, resources, etc.
If you find your child or adolescent looking at porn or other sexually explicit material DO NOT SHAME them!
- Instead… collaborate and provide accurate information and explanations
Find reputable sources to help you learn to provide accurate and inclusive information around sexuality
- Do not assume your child’s sexual identity
- Do not be heteronormative in your explainations (not just penis in vagina, etc)

Pornography

It is normative for children and adolescents to be curious about sexuality and due to our lack of ability to discuss this as a society, families, and in education one of the most accessible ways to learn about their sexuality is through pornography or through peers.

Pornography depicts various experiences around sexuality and sometimes focusing on fantasy. Although pornography does not always depict sexuality accurately and can often fetishize different populations, it also can be a very normal part of people’s sexuality.

If you find you your child or adolescent looking at pornography DO NOT SHAME THEM.

Here are things to consider doing instead of SHAME and PUNISHMENT:

Work on building curiosity, education, and providing accurate, realistic resources surrounding sexuality.
Support your child in learning about sexuality and providing them accurate information about pornography, sex, and sexual exploration.
Allow space for questions
Reinforce they are not in trouble and allow space to talk about their emotions
Discuss boundaries and consent
Discuss difference between fantasy and reality
Pleasure centered conversations
Provide information that pornography has been historically catered towards cis gender, heterosexual, white men and may not accurately depict sexual behavior across various identities and experiences

If you and/or other partner(s) or adults in your life are uncomfortable practicing sex positive parenting or discussing sexuality, find a therapist or AASECT sex educator who can help facilitate these conversations so that you can work towards building a healthy relationship with sexuality and your child.

At LCAT, we are here to help!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

September 16, 2020/in Gender, Health, LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle/by Nicole Scrivano

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative individuals are people whose gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female within our society.

You may wonder what is gender non-conforming or what does it mean when people are gender creative?

In our society, we commonly categorize individuals as male or female.

Therefore, those people who identify themselves as either side of the binary are expected to conform to a particular style and behavior.

Someone who identifies as female is expected to wear “feminine” clothing such as dresses, leggings, skirts, specific shirts, etc. Females are also assumed to wear makeup, have longer hair, and no facial hair.

Those who identify themselves as male are expected to wear “masculine” clothing such as sports attire, pants, more solid colors, and usually not bright clothing. These are some of the “rules” that are gender conformity.

When an individual does not ascribe to these set of rules or engages in shifting gender expressive play (through clothing, makeup, etc), this is breaking gender conformity or the binary.

Gender non-conforming individuals are those we are focusing on here.

There are a variety of ways people can choose to break gender conformity through the varying ways gender is expressed.

Some common options are:

Mannerisms
Dress and attire
Makeup
Hair style
Accessories

Individuals who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine.

Some people who identify as non-conforming may present more neutral or androgenous, while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire.

People who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities.

These identities can include, yet are not limited to:

Non-binary
Gender queer
Gender fluid
Gender bending
Gender non-conforming
Or something else.

The important thing is learning to understand each person’s identity and not making assumptions about those you meet.

If you are wanting to learn more about someone’s identity, be sure you are doing it for them and their comfort, rather than for your own needs. This is often a good place to start by knowing your intentions.

You can also seek therapy or reputable sources who can help support you in learning and understanding.

It is your own responsibility to learn more rather than anyone in the community teaching you. Seek a professional if you need, that specializes in this area of focus.

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Queer Women

August 26, 2020/in LGBTQIA2+, Lifestyle/by Nicole Scrivano

Queer Women

Queer women are wonderful. Even though I may be biased that queer women are wonderful, hear me out and let me explain the why!

What does Queer even mean?

Back in the day being dubbed “queer” was a slur and negative.

People used that to insult people in the LGBTQ+ community or to insult someone’s perceived identity (often feminine men).

Recently, we as a community have reclaimed the term “queer” to be empowering and create a sense of community rather than as an insult.

When you hear the word queer (not “what a queer” or “you are sucha queer” those are still negative), it indicates someone within the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, etc (LGBTQ+) community.

The word queer encapsulates for many relational, sexual, and gender identties.

Queer Women

So queer women are people who identify as women and are on some piece of the LGBTQ+ community spectrum.

As queer women, we come in a variety forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc.

Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc.

Often queer women, specifically “lesbians” are boiled down to either being super “butch” or about lesbian orgasms. Some queer women are butch, many like to orgasm, but in my experience queer women show up in so many different ways. Please do not boil us down that simply.

Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity. In my practice, I work with many queer women. As a queer woman, it is amazing to learn the diversity of this part of my community.

Not one of us is the exact same, but we all seem to intersect in some way or another.

This intersectionality is important in our collective growth, and learning from one another allows us to reach new levels of empowerment and discovery.

I learn so much from my queer clients, in general, and my clients who identify as queer women.

Being able to break the stereotypes, defy the patriarchy, and show up and be who we are is an empowering process to be a part of.

I have so much pride to know and work with them on this collective, healing journey towards growth and empowerment.

Collective Healing

In my practice, I have bore witness to collective trauma of the queer community.

This includes, yet is not limited to queer women.

The intersection of the identity as “queer” and “woman” has created a unique experience for queer women. The intersection of sexism and homophobia and if they are people of color add racism in the mix.

Bearing witness to the pain, the hurt, the trauma is heartbreaking. These brave women, who have fought and been harmed by a system of oppression.

This harm has reverberated through their beings and they are wanting to heal.

It is so sad to hear the stories of failed attempts at therapy – not on their part – but on the therapists part.

Therapists have tried to hold space for them and their experiences but were far beyond their depth in being able to facilitate a space to heal or to recognize the intersections of systems of play that were continuing their trauma as queer women.

When we (collectively) are able to hold space for queer women in therapy, where we recognize the various intersections and systems at play, we allow for the trauma and harm to be confronted in a way that allows for healing.

As therapists, it is our job to work towards facilitating a space of healing, growth, and change. In order to do that, we have to allow for the space to be one of vulnerability.

My hope is that through more therapists and clients being able to work together to create more spaces for (yet not limited to) queer women, we allow for collective healing and growth.

Queer women, I am sorry that in so many ways you have not felt seen or heard in the mental health field. I am sorry that in so many ways you were retraumatized in your experiences.

Although, I cannot take away that pain for you, I can offer a space in a practice where we are committed to growth, learning, social justice, and doing better!

We want to hear you, we want to see you, and we want to support you. We are here to empower you at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC. Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!