This is a custom category page for Lifestyle.

LGBTQ Definition: Beyond the Binary

LGBTQ Definition: Beyond the Binary with LGBTQIA2+

LGBTQ Definition: Beyond the Binary

By Nicole Scrivano, LMFT – Director at Life Coaching and Therapy

 

Read our latest blog post: “LGBTQ Definition: Beyond the Binary” to help you understand the LGBTQ+ community and the definitions within them.

There are many identities and labels for people that have become more commonplace. 

LGBTQ Definition: Beyond the Binary

Often in sessions, clients and their families frequently comment on all the identities “nowadays.” 

Despite the alphabet soup that has become the LGBTQIA2+ community identities, most of these identities have actually been around to varying degrees.

The most salient and well known identities are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and more recently transgender. Then, adding to LGBTQIA2+ we have intersex, asexual, two-spirit, etc. 

However, the spectrum of sexuality identities and gender identities has always been present, it is just now that we have a more common language to communicate identities effectively. 

 

The Alphabet Soup – How Do I Use These Terms? 

An entire blog can be written on individual identities, and there are plenty of resources to help you familiarize yourself with varying identities and definitions. 

Here are LGBTQIA2+ definitions and resources that I would suggest you read to learn more:

True Colors (local LGBTQIA2+ non-profit): www.ourtruecolors.org

Definitions From LGBTQIA2+ National Help Center: http://www.glnh.org – glossary 

  • CISGENDER – Abbreviated as “Cis” s a Latin prefix which means “to remain on the same side of,” the antonym of the Latin prefix “Trans.” Someone whose gender identity conforms to the sex assigned to them at birth.
  • GENDERFLUID – An individual who is highly flexible about their gender expression and presentation.  They may fluctuate between presentations and identities, or combine them.
  • GENDERQUEER – Someone who identifies outside the normative gender binary.  This term is used as both an umbrella term and as an identity in itself. There is often a connotation of transgressiveness for those who identify with this label. 
  • GENDER NEUTRAL – ​Not specifying any particular gender.  Definition can vary depending on context and individual using the term.
  • INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA- ​The experience of shame, aversion, or self-hatred in relation to one’s own attractions to a person of the same sex.
  • PANGENDER – A nonbinary identity.  Someone who identifies as pangender may identify with two or more genders, with any/all genders, or as a separate, third gender.
  • QUEER – A catch-all umbrella term for gender and sexuality minorities who are either not cis, not straight, or both.  The word queer is a reclaimed slur, and sometimes still used as such, so use it with sensitivity – do not use it for others unless they already have for themselves.
  • SEXUAL ORIENTATION – Defined by whom you are attracted to, emotionally, sexually, and/or romantically.  Has nothing to do with gender.
  • TRANSGENDER – Abbreviated as  “trans”. People whose gender identity differs from the sex assigned to them at birth. 

Once you have learned the LGBTQIA2+ terms it is important to do your best to use them appropriately. This means not as insults or not saying “a gay” or “a queer.” 

identities

Using person first language like someone “is gay” rather than “a gay,” allows the person to be seen as a human first not just their identity. A general rule of thumb is not to start with “a” or end with “s” (ex. Gays, queers, a gay, a queer, etc.). 

In regards to gender, the term transgendered is not accurate. Please utilize trans, transgender, trans. “Tranny” and words like this are harmful and problematic. DO NOT USE THEM

There are many terms that are offensive around gender, so please, please, please be mindful of the language you are using. 

Google exists for a reason! 

We suggest finding appropriate terms and language for each of these identities.

 

The Identity Evolution 

Sexuality and gender have both been shown to be on more of a spectrum and fluid rather than within dichotomies and stagnant. 

Although people often maintain their attraction towards a specific sex/gender/identity, that does not mean that it can’t change over time. 

For example, someone may identify as a lesbian earlier in their life, and then through self-exploration or a variety of sexual experiences, may identify as pansexual later on. 

Often a mistake I see is that people struggle to evolve with the individual as their identity evolves. 

Think of sexuality and gender as a continuum or a spectrum of colors. Break beyond the mold of choosing one or the other, and see it as evolving and dynamic. 

The queer (LGBTQIA2+) community is ever changing and evolving like most other communities. 

As the queer community has become more widely accepted, identities have become acknowledged or are more common place with the community (heteronormative) as a whole. 

People around the individual coming out or figuring out their identity would benefit from standing back and allowing that individual to explore themselves and to validate the evolution of that individual’s identity. 

Some people may remain consistent in their identities, other identities may ebb and flow for people, and that is okay. It is even normal.

When we try to stick those individuals into boxes, we begin to limit people’s ability to express who they really are. 

It is vital that we as a community (family, friends, providers, and partners alike) work towards learning and supporting people’s identities. 

 

Do Labels Really Matter? 

In one word, YES!

identities

Misgendering or dismissing one’s identity has a lasting impact. 

As the great Dr. Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” 

As we dismiss and misgender or misidentify people we are creating a feeling – a harmful one – that breaks their boundaries. 

We as a community need to work together to lean in and examine our biases to address our impact. Good intentions are not enough. 

The impact needs to meet those intentions as well, otherwise, intentional or not, we are causing harm. 

At the end of the day, does it really matter if you have to “label” someone different or identify a different pronoun for them? It really doesn’t. 

Although it may be challenging for you, isn’t it better to adjust than for someone to spend another moment hiding themselves or stifling their growth? 

I have had clients who have found ways to easily and effectively communicate shifts in their gender expression. 

Whether it is a certain accessory in their clothing, how they wear their hair, or verbal cues they give, there are many ways that this can be communicated to partners, parents, teachers, and/or community members. 

To some people, the specific term used may not matter to them. But to others, it matters immensely. 

If you do not know what to term to use – ASK THE PERSON.

When we ask and collaborate with one another we learn, we grow, and we all evolve. 

Will you learn, grow, and evolve with me?

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Veterans Day

Veterans’ Day

Veterans’ Day

 

Do Us All a Favor and Thank A Vet this Coming Veterans’ Day!

If you’re living in the U.S., odds are you know a veteran. Every year, millions of Americans serve in our all-volunteer military service. They come from all walks of life. Rich and poor, all different genders, and races. Immigrants even joined the armed forces for a chance to become a U.S. citizen. They answer the call of sacrifice and duty to country that protects the freedoms we often take for granted.

Given the sheer number of people over the years who’ve served, you probably know several veterans. They’re our schoolteachers, they train us at the gym, they work at grocery stores, and run successful companies all across the United States.

So yeah, obviously, we shouldn’t just celebrate our veterans one day a year, but if you haven’t had the chance, use the holiday to show some love to the people who gave up time and being around the people they love for something bigger. Here are some great ways you can show love for our veterans this year.

Veterans Day

 

Give Thanks by Understanding the Tradition of Service to Country

If you ask vets or active duty personnel, a lot of them will tell you that they tired, “Thank you for your service” can make their skin crawl. Sometimes it’s sincere, but so often it’s a canned line filled with political undertones.

Show a veteran you care by trying to understand what they’ve been through. Sure, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like to serve in wartime or be posted somewhere far overseas, but context goes a long way.

 

What Does Veterans Day Even Mean?

The U.S. has celebrated veterans since World War I ended in the early 1900s. On November 11 a year after the war, people flocked to the streets to celebrate peace, knowing the hell they’d been through. The holiday was initially called Armistice Day, but President Eisenhower changed it to celebrate all veterans.

America has been involved in the conflict for so long, that a lot of vets feel like what they do overseas is too far removed from normal American life. Unless you’re directly impacted, say, having a direct family member or close friend serve in a warzone, it’s hard to relate. A lot of the time they come home frustrated that normal people don’t understand what they’re doing over there.

We’re not out celebrating in the streets, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be showing thanks for what our soldiers, sailors, and marines are doing abroad. We’re lucky that current wars aren’t impacting us at home the way previous wars did.

When you meet a vet, the best way to thank them is to get to know them. If you know them, talk to them about their time in the military. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions about their time and what it meant. Don’t pry. Learn to take the subtle hints when something’s out of bounds. But don’t act like it never happened. Validate them with your interest.

Veterans Day 

Hold It Down for Our Vets

If you’re wondering what to do for our veterans this Veterans Day, there are tons of ideas. Here are a few good ones.

  • Donate to a Good Cause – There are a ton of charities and service organizations focused on helping veterans find jobs, get therapy, find a place to live, and plenty more as they transition out of service. The money you give goes directly to helping the life of a veteran in need.
  • Acts of Service – If you know a veteran, think of something you can do for them that they would enjoy. Get them tickets to the game or buy them some movie tickets. Take them out and treat them to a meal.
  • Show Respect – You may not notice it, but most veterans pay attention to how people around them act concerning respect for the military and country. You may have strong opinions about certain political decisions but try your best to refrain from severe criticism if you’re around a veteran.
  • Send a Care Package – You can mail a package of candy, clothes, electronics and other supplies to military personnel overseas for Christmas and other holidays. It’s easy to do and they love it.
  • Show Your Vet Some Love – Hopefully, you noticed that we wrote “your vet” there. Some of us are extremely lucky to be in relationships or dating veterans. They bring so much to our lives. They work hard, are disciplined, honor us, and strive to progress. On Veterans Day it’s the least we can do to show them some fun, right? This Veterans Day let loose a bit and give your partner a good time.

 

On A More Serious Note

Everyone should know that every veteran returns from service as a changed person. Some changes are harder than others. Tens of thousands of veterans who served our country come home with physical injuries, emotional scars, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Putting the pieces back together takes time and patience. Most of all it takes a network of caring people who are there for them when they need them.

If you know someone who is struggling with issues they experience in the military, talk to them. You may not be able to give them the help they need, but you can help them find it. There are resources available for veterans to call on.

 

 

There are Still People Out There Fighting

Ask a vet, and they’ll tell you one of the best things you can do to support them is to support the brave people still out there fighting. Brave service people are stationed in bases all over the world ready to move on a moment’s notice.

We’re indebted every day to their willingness to serve and what they stand for. Veterans Day is more than a holiday. It’s an annual reminder that we should all be doing more to thank and give back to our veterans.

No go out there and show them some love.

Sexual Anxiety

When Sexual Anxiety Takes Over: What Drives Sexual Inhibition and Stress In Penis-Bodied Humans

When Sexual Anxiety Takes Over: What Drives Sexual Inhibition and Stress in Penis-Bodied Humans

 

While most of us can be intimidated taking off our clothes during sex, some people state that sexual anxiety takes over and ruins the entire encounter.

There you are, exposing yourself with nowhere to hide. 

Some people are so afraid of letting their physical and emotional walls down that it prevents them from enjoying true intimacy. Instead, they’re filled with sexual anxiety that can detract from intimate encounters.

Sexual anxiety can range from mild nervousness about things like body image, to full-blown anxiety attacks that stop people from having sex at all.

 

Performance Anxiety

A lot of people have anxiety issues around whether they’ll be able to “perform” when called upon. Penises can be a bit unreliable. 

If worry over performance continues it can turn into a serious mental block. 

For some people, whether they’ll be able to maintain an erection enters their mind the minute there is an attraction with someone else. 

Like any anxiety attack, worries over performance build and build until it’s all they can think about.

People with penises also worry about premature ejaculation. It’s more common than you’d think. 

According to the Mayo Clinic, 1 out of 3 penis and testicle-bodied humans say they deal with premature ejaculation or have dealt with premature ejaculation in the past

When there’s so much pressure on being able to please your partner, it’s easy to see why someone who’s had that happen would experience sexual anxiety.

 

Body Image

While we hate to stereotype, generally speaking, penis and testicle-bodied humans have less trouble looking in the mirror than their vagina-bodied counterparts.

Sexual Anxiety

Traditionally, men didn’t have to deal with the same societal pressure placed on other genders by the media and fashion. 

However, this has changed with the advent of digital options. The ideal physique is communicated a lot through all types of advertising, social media and even porn.

Penis and testicle-bodied humans, often struggle with sexual anxiety around the size and look of their genitals. Maybe your penis curves or has a slight bend in it. 

Perhaps you are concerned about the fact that you are, or aren’t circumcised. 

 

Lack of Experience

This applies to anyone who is seen as the one “in charge.”

In many sexual encounters, many penis-bodied humans FEEL there is an expectation that they ought to take the lead. 

That might be ok if you’ve got a lot of sexual experience, but it can trigger sexual anxiety for people who don’t want that type of pressure. 

We all worry about, to a varying degree, reading sexual cues or being able to please our partner. 

 

Ways to Help Reduce Sexual Anxiety:

  • Breathe in and out through your belly. Focus more on your exhales.
  • Masturbate with a condom on to try a new way of experiencing sensation!
  • Increase the use of sex toys, such as those that provide clitoral stimulation. This will help take the pressure off your penis and bring excitement to the moment.

You are in charge of your own arousal and your partner is in charge of theirs. Don’t force yourself to be the deliverer of orgasms to your partner, because it is way too much pressure! 

What are some other reasons people that may cause sexual anxiety? 

 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

 

Millennial Problems for Therapists

Top Millennial Problems for Therapists

Top Millennial Problems for Therapists

 

Extra, extra! Read all about the top Millennial problems for therapists!

Do Millennials require better communication for sex, or would most Millennials rather just be on their cell phone than sharing intimacy?

Get an INSIDER’S View of What Millennials Discuss Most Often with their Therapists!

In case you weren’t aware, Millennials are a very pro-therapy, growth and self-exploration generation. It wasn’t too long ago that people reported shame or embarrassment when seeing a therapist. However, I have witnessed countless clients over the last 10 years pick up their phone during a session and say, “let me call you back, because I am in therapy right now.”

Millennials have helped normalize therapy in the public sphere! I can’t even remember feeling a stigma when I decided I wanted to go to therapy as a career.

Therapy is no longer only for people that are “mentally broken.” It’s now recognized for the enormous benefits it provides in helping people work through issues, manage relationships, and try to better themselves. This change is incredibly positive!

Millennials take pride in getting outside help when they need it. Depression, anxiety, and trauma are not things people must struggle with alone anymore.

As more people see therapists and discuss their mental health issues online, we see recurring themes across the country that surround intimacy and romantic relationships.

This commonality is likely tied to changes all of us have witnessed with regard to how we connect and communicate. The more we become culturally competent and aware of how others are living, the more we realize how similar we all are.

Millennials’ openness around their treatment can benefit everyone willing to learn from their experiences.

Here are some of the top Millennial problems for therapists, particularly when it comes to intimacy:

  1. Technology and the Lack of Intimacy

It’s a crazy statistic, but it’s true. Jean M. Twenge’s article in The Archives of Sexual Behavior, reports that “Millennials are more likely to report having no sexual partners as adults (15%) compared to GenX’ers born in the 1960s and 1970s (6%).” That’s right, Millennials have less sex and fewer sexual partners than in previous generations.

Why the decline in sexual encounters? A lot of people point fingers at the advent of technology and how it affects the way we socialize. Decades ago, people interacted almost solely in person.

People went out to mingle at bars, restaurants, and sporting events. They spent time in close proximity to each other. The odds of intimate physical connections were higher, because more contacts were being made.

Millennials do a significant amount of interacting digitally.

Whether it’s texting, commenting and liking on social media, or even playing online video games, Millennials interact with each other much more, but not always in person.

People today can get social satisfaction out of spending time online together without the hassle of going out. Of course, the way we communicate isn’t the same.

One of the commonly discussed topics between Millennials and their therapists is the lack of intimacy in their relationships.

Millennials report feeling less connected to the world around them. Even though they have plenty of people to text, they feel they lack close friendships, and even dating is often regarded as a superficial interaction.

Millennial Problems

  1. Mismatching Sex Drives Between Couples

Even though Millennials are having less sex than past generations, open modern attitudes around sex have made people more comfortable addressing differences in sex drive.

In the past, sexually incompatible partners were more likely to have struggled in silence with physical intimacy issues. Gender roles were more restricted, and in general, there was limited freedom of expression around sex drives.

Today, sexual compatibility is recognized as a vital component of a healthy relationship.

Millennial women are less inclined than their female predecessors to be sexually unfulfilled, and men report wanting deep physical connections with their partners. 

Even though differences in the sexual drive between partners is more readily discussed, it’s still not an easy issue.

Many Millennial relationships struggle under the weight of expectations in the bedroom. With the help of their therapists, Millennials are learning to navigate the sensitive waters of sexual expectations where collaboration, creativity, and curiosity are of utmost importance.

  1. The Strain of Media Expectations on Relationships

We’ve already touched on how digital communications are affecting Millennial intimacy. Another effect of us always being connected these days is that we’re constantly exposed to media input.

Psychologists and therapists still don’t know the extent to which media exposure affects our thoughts and attitudes. What we do know, though, is that it changes how we look at relationships.

Think about it…Millennials grew up watching romantic comedies where love and intimacy were fun, constantly exciting, and always worked out in the end. The result is that many Millennials feel like their real relationships don’t match up to their ideals of what they should be.

The prevalence of pornography has had a huge influence on Millennial sexual relationships. It’s changed the way many view things like consent, sexual power dynamics, and even what constitutes as appropriate sexual etiquette.

Therapists report that Millennials often say they feel some level of disappointment in their romantic relationships. They constantly want more. Millennials are perpetually looking for a deeper connection, which often leads to constant let down and frustrated partnerships.

They can, however, utilize therapy to develop more realistic expectations of themselves and the people they date.

  1. The Paradox of Choice

It’s easy for people on the outside to tell Millennials they’ve got it easy. They’re constantly told that barriers to dating are much lower today, that there is a more open exchange of ideas around sex and love, and that no one has to settle. What Millennials encounter, though, is the Paradox of Choice.

Barry Schwartz, the author of “The Paradox of Choice: My More is Less” explains that an abundance of choice often leads to disappointment. Millennials, who have more choice than ever before obsess over which choice to make. They can be frozen by fear of making the wrong decision. 

This paradox has a huge impact on our intimate relationships. How can you fully commit yourself to someone if you’re always wondering if there’s someone better out there waiting for you? 

As a result, Millennials turn to their therapists for help. Therapists speak often with Millennials who have a hard time with commitment and developing deep connections with partners. It’s important to develop an understanding of needs to help make decision making easier.

Practice Self-Compassion

Every generation has to deal with unique circumstances of their time. Millennials are no different, and the generations to follow will have to face new challenges too. 

Be grateful for the openness and acceptance of growth and self-improvement through therapy. The more we seek answers, the more likely we are to get them. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Breakups

How To Deal With A Breakup!

How to Deal With a Breakup! 

 

I wrote this blog post to help those people who feel like it’s the end of the world learn how to deal with a breakup! 

Breakups hurt, because people aren’t skilled at communicating why they no longer want to be in their relationship. They are especially painful if you were living with your partner and your entire pattern of living changes. 

If you haven’t learned it yet, throughout interpersonal relationships, it is important to OPENLY communicate. Why?

 

Well, if you don’t have the difficult conversations about what you need during a relationship, you can create a system of long-term dysfunction, causing the pain of breaking up to be tumultuous and traumatic. 

The beginning of love is so beautiful and the end is often so tragic, but does it have to be? At Life Coaching and Therapy, we believe that loving yourself and your relationships is a mission worth prioritizing! 

We long for belonging, long for touch, and we long to matter! We also want to break from the suffering or that “longing for connection.” But it isn’t worth staying with someone who has broken up with you. 

Where in your body do you “need” them? 

Notice that place in your body and tell your therapist! There is a message there for you to uncover that will help your growth. 

What is the core universal need that is underneath your strategy of marriage, monogamy, or romantic partnership – OTHER than this specific person? 

Breakups

What Are Universal Needs? 

A Person (your partner) is NOT a universal need. 

Needs are qualities that connect us all as human beings, and we all share. Look up Nonviolent Communication for an inventory of all needs. 

I use Tony Robbin’s 6 Human Needs

  1. Certainty
  2. Uncertainty
  3. Significance
  4. Connection 
  5. Growth 
  6. Contribution

I believe that other than these six needs, every other behavior comes from an attempt to meet one of these. All anyone is ever trying to do is to meet their needs. 

Therefore, your partner is NOT a need. 

Underneath “I want to be in a romantic partnership with ______” is a need such as:

  • I want to matter
  • I want pleasure
  • I want to be seen, felt, and heard
  • I want connection
  • I want certainty of quality time

 

ALL OF US WANT TO BE SEEN, FELT, and HEARD. Even those people that say they don’t, often, there is someone who they would like to be seen, felt, or heard by. 

All of us have the exact same amount of time, so if someone you are relating to says that they don’t have the time to prioritize you right now, then you are not their priority right now. 

IDENTIFY YOUR NEEDS!

Express them with words and with consensual actions. 

If you decide to split up, there may be pain, and pain can be a pathway back to ourselves. 

If you try to prevent the pain by staying in a relationship when it is not fulfilling your needs, you will ultimately get hurt in the future. 

Breakups don’t have to be the end of the world, and you can learn how to deal with a breakup and still be happy and ok on your own.

The key is to remain accountable and be open about the pain and the impact you are causing. Sometimes this can help mitigate harsh truths that are said without graciousness or love in the “heat of the moment.” 

 

How To Deal With A Breakup

You will get through this, even though it may not feel like it mentally. 

Disconnect from destructive thoughts and let the waves of emotion come in and go back out.

DON’T focus on your obsessions though (easier said than done, but necessary for your health and growth).

Breakups

Encourage yourself to do the WORK necessary to become a happy, positive person who DOES NOT NEED the affirmation of others to feel good inside. 

First off, begin weight training and doing aerobic exercise (rowing, running, etc.) in addition to stretching and yoga. The weights and cardio will do wonders for your well being, releasing powerful endorphins and boosting your self esteem. If you abuse working out to the point where you are no longer experiencing the highs from it, then this is no longer a recipe for a healthy lifestyle. 

If you are still feeling overwhelmed, depressed, or find it hard to do your day-to-day activities talk to a mental health practitioner. You may need to consider medication.

 

No matter how disciplined you are, your nature is your nature, and it can be a difficult battle. Daily exercise will help; however, the correct supplements or prescriptions will help fill in those valleys, which can be self sabotaging. 

If you are you obsessed with fixing other people – like your ex – stop! You need to fill the hole in YOUR heart. Watch my video on codependency to rule out if you are one of those people trying to fix everyone.

 

Find two to three new hobbies instead. Meetup.com is a must for a breakup. You can often find multiple options in a city near you! 

 

What are your tips for how to deal with a breakup? 

 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Is Poor Breathing Hurting Your Sex Life?

Is Poor Breathing Hurting Your Sex Life? 

Is Poor Breathing Hurting Your Sex Life? 

 

Learn How Breathing Can Enhance Sexual Pleasure

Millions of us walk around every day going to work, doing chores, and spending time with loved ones without breathing properly. Breathing correctly doesn’t get a lot of attention because it comes as second nature.

We do it without thinking and a lot of us feel that as long as we’re still alive, we must be breathing well. In fact, some simple lessons on which muscles we should use to activate breathing can improve posture, build core strength and increase energy.

Better oxygen flow helps us live healthier lives free from anxiety. 

Managing breath improves sleep, puts us in better moods and can also enhance sexual pleasure! 

In addition, focusing on driving air into our bellies when we inhale helps activate our diaphragms. When the diaphragm is activated, lungs expand more fully and improves the gas exchange that takes fresh oxygenated blood to the heart and expels old air.

Deeper breaths help us relax and improve our state of mind.

Following simple steps can have a profound impact on our lives. It’s driven research into various ways specific breathing behaviors can affect other areas of life. One particularly interesting area is the study of breathing and enhancement of sexual pleasure. 

Follow this guide to learn about how controlling your breathing can make you feel better during sex, have better orgasms and connect more deeply with your partner. 

 

Controlled Breathing Helps You Relax

It’s hard for some of us to get in the zone romantically.

While men seem to be able to conjure a sexual state of mind almost instantly, it isn’t necessarily true. Additionally, many women report that clearing their minds is necessary to focus on giving and receiving sexual pleasure.

Taking controlled, deep breaths facilitates a clear mind and a relaxed mood.

There are reasons why yoga and meditation focus so heavily on breathing. Controlling airflow calms the body.

As we calm down, we become more aware of our bodies, what’s occurring around us, and how something makes us feel.

Focused breathing helps take us away from worrying and centers us into intimate moments. 

 

Remembering to Breathe Can Get You to Orgasm

Believe it or not, researchers have found that many women who struggle to orgasm tend to hold their breath during sex. Even when they breathe, it’s often shallow and indicative of stress as they make love. 

When it is a challenge to orgasm, it can be burdensome to intimacy in relationships.

Men can feel like they are doing something wrong, and women struggle with the pressure to orgasm. This pressure often builds and develops into a harmful cycle of shaming and blaming.

We don’t want to oversimplify intimacy struggles. We know that women deal with deep-rooted issues around sexuality that make opening up to intimacy hard. However, state of mind is so important in sexual situations. 

 

Tantric Breathing Basics

Deep breathing into the belly increases blood flow around the body. Your touch receptors will be activated, resulting in enhancement of sexual pleasure.

Just like we’re taught to drive breaths into our bellies throughout the day, pushing breaths into the genitals and pelvic area can heighten sensitivity and make achieving orgasm easier.

This is sometimes referred to as tantric breathing.

Tantric breathing involves the heightening of sexual pleasure by using the breath to achieve higher erotic states. Tantric sex has been practiced in other parts of the world for thousands of years but has become more popular in the United States in recent decades.  

Here’s a basic tantric breathing exercise you can try:

  1. Laying down or in a sitting position, place one hand on your abdomen and the other on your chest. Inhale deeply, feeling the expansion of your chest and then belly. As you exhale, pay attention to the tightening of muscles in your lower abdomen and pelvis. Focus energy in your pelvis as you breathe out.
  2. As you breathe out, visualize love and energy being emitted from your heart across your whole body. Let it encompass you and build slowly.
  3. As the energy builds, try breathing with your mouth somewhat heavily. Many women report the panting noise of their breath is sometimes enough to get them aroused. Picture your breaths moving down your chest as you inhale and up your back on exhale.
  4. Once you’re comfortable with the this pattern, start to gently contract pelvic muscles each time you exhale to direct blood flow to your vagina.
  5. Repeat the exercise regularly to develop body and muscle control. As you do it more often, it will help you feel more comfortable. You will enter into a state of arousal that will help things move along faster when you’re having sex.

 

Don’t Be Afraid to Practice Breathing Techniques

Improving breathing and the enhancement of sexual pleasure takes work. You’re probably not going to notice a dramatic change the first time you try. Using breathing to manipulate your body takes time and practice. 

Don’t be afraid to spend some time alone with yourself to find out how your body responds to different breathing patterns. Try focusing on breathing into your pelvis without touch first. See if vaginal lubrication can happen just by focusing on breathing into the pelvis. 

Slowly progress into self-touch and then touch with a partner and see what happens. 

Is Poor Breathing Hurting Your Sex Life?

 

Breathing Can Improve Orgasms

Breathing and the enhancement of sexual pleasure aren’t just for women who have a hard time achieving orgasm. We’re all on a journey to discover and develop our sexual selves. Even if you don’t struggle with intimacy, breathing practices can help improve orgasm frequency and intensity. Just like a lot of women who have a hard time acheiving orgam and hold their breath during sex, most women breath shallowly and less often as they approach climax.

Pay attention to your breathing the next time you make love or masturbate. Notice how things change as you move through the stages of arousal. If you notice yourself holding your breath before or during orgasm, try to relax. You might learn something that works better for you and your partner. A lot of women report longer, more intense orgasms, which are never a bad thing!

 

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Five Love Languages

Five Love Languages

Five Love Languages

 

Do you know what the Five Love Languages are and how this concept can solve your relationship problems?

In 10 years of practicing individual and couples therapy, I’ve found that the five love languages helps pretty much any relationship, not just romantic ones. 

It is useful to understand what matters to people and what type of love they want to receive from you! It is different if they are a romantic partner. 

The Five Love Languages was created by relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts in 1992. 

It outlines five ways to express and experience love between romantic partners that Chapman calls “love languages.”

It takes more than the occasional great date to keep your relationship afloat. In fact, Dr. Gary Chapman, says the key to a lasting relationship is learning love languages.

Getting to know a person in a romantic relationship is a gradual process. Over time, you learn more and more about them, including their likes and dislikes and how they think. 

When you realize what your partner does and doesn’t care about, you can have a better relationship. 

The concept of love languages is actually quite simple. There are five of them, each describing an expression of—you guessed it—love. The key, according to Chapman, is discovering which love language you and your partner respond to the most, then regularly putting that into practice.

 

The Five Love Languages Defined

Gifts:

This love language might seem materialistic, but you don’t have to drop hundreds of dollars if this is your partner’s love language. It could be one flower or a favorite chocolate or dessert. 

A gift says, “my partner was thinking about me.” Gifts could be tangible or intangible items that make you feel appreciated or noticed. 

Going to your partner’s favorite concert, for example, is as much of a gift as flowers or that new wine decanter you want. 

To individuals who favor this love language, the absence of everyday gestures that show you remember them or a missed special occasions can be particularly harmful.

Quality Time:

This means giving your partner your undivided attention! Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV and cell phones off – talking AND listening. 

Put phones aside, turn all noise off, and just be with each other. 

Try your hardest not to flake on a date or check your phone when you’re together, because this can be hurtful to a quality time person.

Acts of Service:

Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service. 

Another part of acts of service is not doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

On the flip side, the way to disappoint a partner who appreciates act of service is through inaction. Either being too lazy or too disengaged to notice that you are making a mess or taking away your partner’s free time by the extra work you create.  

If you are someone who leaves a mess behind, sometimes this hurts your partner, because it increases your partner’s workload.

Physical Touch: 

Physical expressions of love, whether sexual or cuddling are important! These include: holding hands, a back massage, a hug, making out, sexual connection, or dancing. 

The absence of physical touch can leave some individuals feeling isolated in a relationship. 

This one can sometimes be seen as particularly important in monogamous relationships where one partner has no other choice for physical connection. 

Words of Affirmation:

These are verbal expressions of care and affection

“Thanks for putting the kids to bed” or “you looked really nice today.”

Other examples include: writing a poem, or sending your partner a song that reminds you of them and telling them to listen to the lyrics.

Also consider telling your partner what you love about them, and writing a list of their greatest characteristics. 

Insults can be particularly upsetting to people who favor words of affirmation.

 

How Do I Know My Love Languages?

To learn which love language best represents you, head to 5lovelanguages.com and take their quiz. Then, you will get scored from 1 to 12 on all five love languages. 

The one you score highest on is your primary language, while the lower scores are languages that you use less often and have less of an emotional affect on you.

You and your partner can consider taking this quiz together, then you both know how to best communicate and act to support each other’s needs.

Love languages can’t fix everything, of course. But the concept does go a long way in communicating better, and we all know how much that matters in a relationship.

If you want more information similar to this, check my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer and sign up for our weekly posts.

 

(LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

 

If you like this post, share it on social media. If you want to start your journey into the love languages, start here

Sex and Intimacy Workshops

Sex and Intimacy Workshops

Sex and Intimacy Workshops for Couples and Singles

Finally…sex and intimacy workshops for couples and singles are being held in September. Two workshops will be held at Middletown and Rocky Hill, CT locations.

There are several components to having a healthy relationship with ourselves and others, and amazing sex is one factor.

Across the genders, everyone wants and craves sex and intimacy. Whether we are married or single or in some unclassifiable state in between.

According to multiple studies, sex boosts happiness, because it makes people feel more satisfied with their significant other and with their selves.

If your sex life has fizzled out and you’re having trouble getting it back on track, you and your partner might consider attending our Sex and Intimacy Workshops. Additionally, talking with a Certificated Sex Coach is another option if you prefer on-site sessions, text or video chat therapy.

My colleague, Dr. Sara Frawley, and I will present two workshops in September about dating, cultural shame, codependency, self love, and the Erotic Anatomy

Sex and Intimacy Workshops:

For Singles – The Sex Ed You Never Got in High School

Join us to get a refresher course on erogenous anatomy, discuss applying a Zen philosophy to dating, and explore different aspects of human sexuality. 

Date/Time: Wednesday, September 18th at 6:30 p.m

Location: Middlesex Community College (Chapman Hall Room 808), 100 Training Hill Rd, Middletown, CT

Cost:  $30 each

Register at Eventbrite

For Couples – The Sex Ed You Never Got in High School 

Join us to explore those burning relationship questions and take your relationship to the next level. 

Date/Time:  Sunday, September 22nd at 2:30 p.m

Location: The Barre CT, 412 Cromwell Ave., Rocky Hill, CT

Cost:  $35 per couple

Register at Eventbrite

Facebook Event

Tickets include light refreshments, Kava Kava ‘cocktails’ and all the supplies needed for a great class. For more information please call Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) at (203) 293-7293 or email us at: info@lcatllc.com 

 

About the Sex and Intimacy Webinar Educators

Sara B. Frawley

Sara B. Frawley

Sara B. Frawley is a Naturopathic Doctor (ND), a chemist, and a human biology professor. Dr. Frawley is the owner of Ground Force Medicine in Wallingford and Cromwell, CT, as well as the founder of Ground Force Supplements.

Amanda Pasciucco

Sex and Intimacy Workshops

Amanda Pasciucco is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and has certification as a Sex Therapist from the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists (AASECT). She is a national sexuality educator, and the practice owner of Life Coaching and Therapy in West Hartford, CT.

 

Few of us know everything about sex, however, here’s your chance to learn more.

Please join Sara B. Frawley, ND and Amanda Pasciucco, LMFT at these two amazing Sex and Intimacy Workshops.

 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

If you know someone who would benefit from sex, intimacy and relationship knowledge, feel free to send them a link to Amanda’s YouTube channel – The Sex Healer

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

Tied Up Sex

Tied Up Sex – Why do People Enjoy it?

Tied Up Sex – Why do People Enjoy it?

Are you curious about what people enjoy about tied up sex?

Are you confused or afraid of people’s motivation for doing bondage or binding with their partners?

When you ask people what they enjoy about tied up sex, you will get a wide variety of answers and a few awkward jokes.

You will find that most binding practitioners are motivated largely by their partners pleasure.

To really understand tied up sex, you first have to tunderstand what makes a person want to be bound.

Why do People Enjoy Tied Up Sex?

Control

Some do it for control, or the “feeling of control.”

We’re talking about consensual bondage so your partner (the one being tied up) can take control back at any moment with a safeword or a prearranged signal. 

Why control though?  

What is it about control that is so appealing?  

I think that in many cases it is related to the contrast with daily life.  

Very  often at work and in life we feel no sense of certainty or structure at all.  

Your boss may seem to micromanage your every move. You may feel like your life isn’t your own if you have to care for a crying baby every day. Or you are held captive to your mobile phone to respond to pinging text messages.

During the bondage process,, you can experience an awesome feeling of “presentness” that we rarely achieve in our daily lives.

This can lead to a powerful sense of caregiving.

Fun and Mischief

I think another reason people like to tie people up during sex is for fun – pure mischief.  

There are some people that just can’t resist the opportunity for mischief.  You may have felt this before when you unexpectedly encountered a friend sleeping.  

Did you stop to consider for just a moment the fun of that situation?  Wasn’t that thought fun, even if you didn’t act on it? 

It is no coincidence that often one of the first things neophyte bondage do is tickle their “victims.”

Relieve Modesty

For some it can be about enjoying the helplessness of their partner.  This may be particularly true if your partner is a bit shy with their body. Binding enables you to relieve them of their modesty while you explore them more 

carefully at your leisure.

Exhibitionism and Thrill Seeking

For some, it is about exhibitionism and thrill seeking.  This is particularly true of those that attend bondage events.  

They enjoy showing off their skills doing crazy circus tricks to be admired by other attendees.  It isn’t as shallow as it sounds, because it’s a bonding community experience to share kinks with other like-minded people.

Overcome the Fear of Rejection

If your partner is bound and gagged, then they can’t really express judgement of what you want, however with consensual bondage, they can withdraw consent.  

Sometimes this can be helpful for those that may suffer from performance anxiety or shame about their sexual desires.  

Often the person tying can discover desires that they didn’t realize they even had once their partner is bound.

Aesthetic

There are some that simply enjoy the aesthetic appeal of the bound body. They are willing to go to great lengths to decorate and adorn their partner to make them into their fantasy object.

It is a way that many people receive significance. They create art with their bodies in beautiful rope patterns between the rigger (or rope artist) and the model. Then, they take pictures so they have their art in their mind. It can be printed so the moment is captured forever. 

Fetish

This article wouldn’t be complete without addressing the pure fetish aspect of it.  Some people just need bondage to be able to function sexually at all.    

For these people who so often feel rejected for their deviant desires, the trust of a willing participant is incredibly healing.

 

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

 Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

sex therapy videos

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Open Relationships

Open Relationship – Get Ready, Get Set, Go For It!

 Open Relationship – Get Ready, Get Set, Go For It!

 

I’m excited to announce that I did an interview last Monday with The New York Times on open relationship trends! (I will post the article once it is published.)

I am beyond excited to be one of the millennial pioneers revolutionizing how we embrace all types of sexual and romantic relationships! 

As many of you may know from my article on polyamory, times are changing and monogamy is not the only style of relationship that couples are considering. 

According to a study in 2017, it is estimated that about one in five people have been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point in their life. That is over 20% of Americans! 

With our changing times, I expect that number to keep rising. 

Open RelationshipSCORE CARD. We are only using A’s for results! 

  • If you scored 0 A’s – Go out and find a willing partner! Maybe your partner isn’t ready, then you have a choice to make on whether or not you wait for them to get ready or not. 
  • If you scored 1 – 3 A’s – a few tweaks is all you need. You may not realize it, but you may have a compulsive avoidance, anxious attachment, or you may be wanting to use an open relationship as a way to get “high” to take away the pain of something else. 
  • If you scored 4 or more on the left side A column, I do NOT suggest you go into an open relationship at this time. These statements can OFTEN be signs that you are not emotionally intelligent enough to understand your own needs. You may not know how to do your own inner work yet. You may get incredibly confused, because you are projecting fantasies onto others.

Common Pitfalls in Open Relationships

  • Lack of Honesty and Trust Issues
  • Inability to See One’s Addiction / Trauma 
  • Self-Centeredness
  • Communication Issues
  • Jealousy, Envy, and Insecurity
  • Family Conflicts (who do you do holidays with?)
  • Overcoming Social Norms (what happens when you only get a plus 1 to the wedding?)
  • Limitation of Partners (you can’t find anyone and your partner already has someone)
  • And More! 

Healthy relationships take TWO or MORE people who have integrity, honesty, creativity, willingness to be vulnerable, and ability to engage in their own Inner Growth and Non-Defensiveness. Sometimes a Sex Coach is needed to understand these changes and address them in the right direction.

Before you transition from monogamy to polyamory in a current partnership, make sure you understand the story each of you will have about a shared meaning when it comes to sex and love with other people. 

Sometimes we project shame from our sexual past into our sexual future with our monogamous partners. For example, you may become annoyed that your partner is frequently insecure about their body (their penis is too small or their vulva is ugly). This is usually an indicator that you have some blind spots to work on prior to adding another person to your sexual and loving relationship. 

You cannot directly fix your partner’s insecurity.

You can only change the system of how you respond to the stimulus of your “partner’s insecurity.” 

So if you are capable of fixing your own issues within your partner’s problems, then you may be ready for an open relationship!  

Below are strategic considerations for those participating in an open relationship: 

Open Relationships

Time is a Limited Resource

Love is not limited. Time is though. No matter what, every single one of us only has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

In practice, your time allocation could be that you make four hours for each partner per week without phones. You could also attend an event with one partner one week, and then another event with another partner the week after. 

Sexual Education 

You have to understand safe sex due to the sexual-health considerations of open relationships. 

You are ready for an open relationship from a sexual education standpoint if you have:

  • The ability to fully discuss sexually transmitted infection status (for example: herpes type 1 vs type 2, hpv, PReP status)
  • Prepared to discuss in detail the act of Fluid Bonding (defined as a safer-sex strategy in which committed partners agree to have unprotected sex only with one another and to use barriers and/or stick to low-risk sexual behaviors with all of their other partners). 
  • The grace of how to discuss what is sexually sacred, and what are the sexual boundaries with both your new partner and your metamour (your partner’s partner). Because NOTHING is private anymore when you are polyamorous. You are part of one big happy family! 
  • Understanding of the term “New Relationship Energy (NRE)”.It is the intense feelings that may accompany the “honeymoon” phase of a new connection. This is sometimes also called “limerence.” You must check yourself while falling in love with the new person and remind yourself “this is not real, these are hormones.” Phenylethylamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin are the same hormones that you also find in serial monogamists or those practicing tantra. 

Communication Strategies

  1. Right Timing 

Implement email instead of texting when it comes to communicating important topics. It is too much to receive alarming text messages in the middle of a thread of memes. Here is an example email:

Open RelationshipsThe goal is that you learn how to ask consent while stating your needs. 

Once you get to that conversation, set a timer for 30 minutes! Make sure to disengage electronics! Do not discuss it ahead of time. Show them that you can practice patience. 

If you cannot wait 5-7 days to discuss your needs, you are not ready to be in an open relationship. In the variety of open relationships that I have tried, I find that it is mostly about waiting for someone. I had to remain centered while listening to things that I didn’t want to hear without getting triggered or responding. Then, I had to reflect back what I thought I heard to the best of my ability. If I was told “that wasn’t it” then I had to start over.

It takes a ton of patience and willingness to communicate effectively. 

2. Use A Compassionate Tone

Watch your tone intention in the beginning of all emails. “I mean this with loving eyes” or “I know you are improving and I still have another request based on my need to connect.” 

Notice the difference between “you let me down and broke a promise again” and “a part of me is hurt and feels let down by you breaking our commitment.” 

3. Observation Without Attitude

Example: saying “I noticed you left the plate in the sink. Did that mean anything to you?” sounds different than “it is so annoying when you leave your plate in the sink.”

A good way to practice polyamory is to ensure that EVERYONE in the partnership / poly family is mindful of the needs that polyamory is satisfying in each of their own lives. 

For example, we all have a need for connection. You can meet that need through monogamy or polyamory. Understanding how polyamory fulfills your needs in addition to connection (certainty, uncertainty, significance, growth, and contribution) is critical. 

Understanding your needs is critical to discussing conversations around relationship orientation (polyamory, swinging) and/or sexuality. 

4. Willingness To Be Flexible And Collaborative!

Start asking your partner once a week what you can do to meet THEIR needs better and address the feedback in the upcoming week. 

If you aren’t willing to extend yourself for just one partner now, you will not be able to manage polyamory dating, let alone a polyamorous community. 

Open relationships are for those who are interested in living life a bit differently. You will constantly be faced with multiple opportunities to meet the needs of partners, so make sure your time management is on point! 

So if you are interested in getting help before you begin your open relationship journey, text us at 203-733-9600. 

If you know someone who would benefit from this knowledge, feel free to end the stigma around open relationships and send them a link to my YouTube channel – The Sex Healer

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

The Pleasure Practice Amanda Pasciucco

eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]

eGuides on Relationship and Sex Tips

Amanda Pasciucco, The Sex Healer, and founder of Life Coaching and Therapy, in West Hartford, CT brings you free eguides on relationship and sex tips.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Amanda has more than 15,000 client hours of experience. She has helped hundreds of distant couples reignite their erotic spark after only a few sessions.

Additionally, Amanda is a national educator, speaker and is featured in CNN, Playboy, Men’s Health, Maxim, Daily Mail and more!

She has helped transform the intimate lives of those struggling with infertility, sexless relationships, low-desire, arousal, orgasm, and penetration problems.

Amanda shares her best, most effective techniques, practices and beliefs.

Are you ready to download, read and practice these tips at home?

It is time to improve your intimate life!

 

Free eguide on Relationship and Sex tips

Click to Download: The Pleasure Practice – A Guide to Unleashing Self Pleasure to Heal Yourself and Transform Your Sex Life

 

If you know someone that would benefit from free eguides on relationship and sex tips, please share this information with them!

 

Check out Amanda’s Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

 

Learn more about Life Coaching and Therapy. 

 

Amanda Pasciucco

 

Sign up to receive our newsletter, eguides, blog posts, webinars and special offers![/vc_column_text]

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

[/vc_column][/vc_row]

Sex and Submission

Sex and Submission

Sex and Submission

Do you like to combine sex and submissionYou’re not the only one! Sex and submission is a perfectly normal fantasy.

There are many reasons we crave sexual submission

Submission is an act of trust. It is turning over your body and your well-being into another’s care.

Sexual submission can be thrilling and empowering.

When we are talking about kinky sex, being submissive is an honored role. 

Submission during sex means trusting another enough to temporarily relinquish control and be guided on a journey. 

To get started in the games of domination and submission it is best to do it with your partner or with someone  you have total confidence in and trust. e Be very clear that it is only a game. 

 

 

Are You Willing to Submit?

This is the first question you have to ask yourself if you want to experience the game of domination. 

If your erotic fantasy is to have your partner dominate you and make love to you by force, I encourage you to put it into practice. 

And, why not? Maybe your partner likes to be submissive too!

You just have to ask! Communicate! 

 

Pleasure or Pain?

The games of domination and submission are usually related to bondage, ties and spanking, and the roles of master and slave. Use your creativity!

The only rule is to do it with respect and self-control. You don’t really want to be hurt and you don’t want to hurt your partner. .

 

 

Control Your Role

When you are in the game of sex and submission, sometimes you will have to play the role as the dominant and other times as the submissive partner. 

Sex and Submission

In both roles you have to feel comfortable and know what limits are in advance.

If you are exercising as a mistress, make sure your partner is doing well and enjoying the game. 

When it is the other way around, stop and speak clearly if you do not like something or feel that your partner is overreacting. 

But, above all, get into the role and have fun. 

Pretending to be someone else can help you feel much sexier and uninhibited.

 

 

Only in the Bedroom

Domination or submission games could get you hooked so much that you end up getting too much into your role even out of bed. 

The game can take place during a dinner, in an exchange of messages, or even in the gym! 

As soon as someone says stop, you immediately stop and get out of sex and submission.

CONSENT is key! Everyone has to be engaged and interested. 

My motto is a DEEP YES is consent. I don’t want anything other than a HELL YES to a moment…including sex and submission!

Sex and Submission

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimiate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

When you have a minute, check out amazing video tips on sex and relationships from LCAT founder, Amanda Pasciucco, The Sex Healer.

 

Why Do Couples Cheat?

Why Do Couples Cheat? 

Why Do Couples Cheat? 

Why do couples cheat? 

Or better…

Why don’t couples just break up instead of cheating?

During my years as a therapist, I’ve come across many situations where couples were on the brink of divorce, and infidelity was the main cause.

Here are the two main reasons why couples cheat based on my ten years of therapy experience:

#1 Reason: Unfulfilled Sexual Needs

Even if a relationship is stable and there’s an emotional connection between a couple, one partner -the cheater-, may feel their sexual needs are not being met

Maybe their partner hasn’t wanted to get intimate with them. Maybe their partner hasn’t wanted to get intimate in a way that satisfies them. Or their partner is long distance.

Why Do Couples Cheat?

When the cheater meets someone outside the relationship who they click with emotionally and physically, they come to a conflict. 

They are in this committed relationship with someone who loves them or who they have been secured with long-term, yet they also have interest in this other person that fulfills them sexually. 

Another sexual need could be a desire to have multiple sexual partners or to engage in new sexual experiences, but they are afraid of expressing this to their partner.

They feel that not being sexually satisfied by their partner is not a good enough reason to end the relationship, or bring up issues when things are “good” between them.

They think it’s not right, because they morally believe that having love SHOULD be enough for a relationship. Thus, the cheater feels the need to maintain their committed relationship while having an affair. 

Having an affair is not an act of love to your partner. 

Believe me when I say it’s in your right to express your sexual needs to your partner.

Sex may be important to you, and that’s can be a good reason to leave your relationship and go elsewhere if your partner isn’t willing to work with you on the issue. 

It’s not right to lie to your partner and seek sexual needs behind their back.

Why aren’t affairs “okay?” Because… consent IS key.

If you are having an affair… you are not getting your partner’s consent. 

You are omitting the truths of your actions and not allowing your spouse to consent.

 

#2 Reason: Unfulfilled Emotional Needs

 

These cheaters feel they lack love, intimacy, and attention from their partners. 

There’s an emotional disconnect that has developed. the cause for the disconnect could be many reasons such as: not feeling like they can talk to their partner, not feeling appreciated by their partner, or not excited by their partner anymore. 

They seek emotional validation and nurturing elsewhere. 

 

Why Do Couples Cheat?

 

So, now you ask, why don’t they just leave?

It could be that they’ve been together for so long, that it takes too much emotional effort to have the conversation to end it. They don’t want to go through the pain or guilt of breaking hearts. 

They stay in the relationship until the other feels like breaking it apart first. 

The relationship wasn’t a priority for them, so they feel no need to maintain it. 

They don’t consider their partner’s feelings when they don’t want to go through the trouble of breaking hearts. In fact, this is not considering them at all. 

It’s lazy behavior and the cheater’s partner deserves better.

What’s my answer to this?

Say it with me, communication!

Express your discontent and work through it. 

How? 

Identify what your partner NEEDS. 

Ask them questions. 

When they answer, ask them what it would look like if you were both getting your needs met. 

What would each of you being doing differently? How would you spend your time? 

If you can’t get your needs met alone, my favorite strategy of all is to bring your partner to therapy! 

This will help you assess how to clearly get your needs met or how to respectfully end the relationship in conscious uncoupling. 

Can you think of any other reasons that someone may want to seek a physical relationship elsewhere?

Tell me in the comments below!

If you want to learn more about how to face infidelity and or tantra techniques to enhance intimacy, please reach out to us at LCAT.

 

Amanda Pasciucco

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

family systems theory

Family Systems Theory – What is it?

Family Systems Theory – What is it?

Family Systems Theory grew out of old-school psychotherapy.

Why do we do it and why should you? 

Do you ever think your issue comes from your family? 

So did the founders of systems theory back in the day! 

Do you notice that when someone in your family is in a better mood, then you can be in a better mood too? 

It’s almost like we all work together in our family to help nurture each other’s temperaments and responses. 

The founder of family systems theory, Murray Bowen, MD, realized that no therapy issue could be treated outside the context in which it was located. 

Family systems theory promotes the interrelationship of everything to everything else. 

Family systems theory works for couples as well as families! 

How often do we think about the things that make our family the way it is?

How often do we consider how we affect our romantic partner? 

Family systems therapy is based on the idea that each family (or couple) is a unique social system with its own structure and patterns of communication. 

Each family member is impacted by the family system. As a result, a change in one member of the family will affect the family system and the other family members.

If you can get into see a licensed marriage and family therapist, or someone trained in family systems theory, you WILL find the key to long-lasting change. This type of approach is amazing!

Why Family Systems Therapy is Effective

Family therapy can be very effective for any family where one or more members is experiencing emotional distress.

Families dealing with these issues especially may benefit from family therapy: 

  • An eating disorder
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Trauma
  • Families with a high degree of conflict
  • Families with poor communication skills
  • Religious conflicts
  • Values conflicts
  • Divorce
  • Remarriage

How Family Systems Therapy Works 

During family systems therapy, the family works individually and together to resolve a problem that directly affects one or more family members.

Each member has the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings about how they are affected.

So together, the family works to help the individual in distress. 

This approach will help relieve the strain on the family. 

The family learns ways to support and help each other with the goal of restoring family relationships and rebuilding a healthy family system.

Family Systems Theory

These are some of our favorite concepts from Bowen’s Systems Theory:

Emotional Triangles 

In Bowen’s theory, a triangle – a relationship between three people – is the smallest stable relationship unit.

A frequent scenario found in emotional triangles is that two people are in agreement with each other and the third is in conflict with them. This can lead to emotional problems for the person in conflict with the others.

Differentiation of Self 

In family systems theory, differentiation of self refers to a person’s sense of identity and ability to function on their own, rather than as a member of a group.

It can be someone with a low level of differentiation or with a high level of differentiation, both need to reconnect with the group without losing their personal and individual essence.

Family Projection Process 

The family projection process is the process by which parents transfer their worries, anxieties, and other emotional problems to their children.

The family projection process can lead to children inheriting their parents’ emotional problems and anxieties from birth! This frequently comes out when you get to your first romantic relationship though!  

Multigenerational Transmission Process

In family systems theory, the multigenerational transmission process means family patterns repeat through generations.

Sibling Position

Many are familiar with this concept that focuses on development due to birth order. 

  • The oldest is the one that would inherit the kingdom and with the most responsibility. 
  • Middle children often grow up to be peacemakers, able to work well with most people.
  • Youngest often become the light-hearted one, the comedian, with a great sense of humor
  • Each child’s sibling position significantly influences the person they eventually become. 

Conclusion

Your family of origin has an impact on who you are and the relationships that you have. 

If you have never considered a family systems therapist or a licensed marriage therapist, you are missing out on the miracles that can happen! 

The most important thing when having problems, especially if you have a willing immediate family system, is to contact a professional trained in this therapy! 

 

Family Systems Theory

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

PORNOSEXUAL

Is Porn Cheating?

Is Porn Cheating?

 

Ask yourself this question: Is porn cheating? This is one of the most common questions I hear as a certified sex therapist. 

The answer is – it depends! 

To me…lying is cheating. An omission of truth is a lie. So, for me personally and professionally, porn is cheating if it is something that is being hidden in the couple. 

When it comes to protecting your relationship against infidelity, communication is key. 

You need to have conversations about what it means to cheat with your partner. 

Be prepared to ask:  

  • Is talking to an ex cheating? 
  • Is visiting a strip club or dancing with someone else cheating? 
  • Is sexting someone else cheating? 

In my experience, and in many of my clients experiences, when conversations are NOT had and truth is withheld…it becomes sneaky and thus becomes lying.

If watching porn isn’t a big deal to you, but it is to your partner, consider his/her boundary before continuing the relationship. 

You may think it is just a little secret to watch porn. Something for YOU! 

I agree. AND, I also know that what my partner defines as cheating is important to me.

If you are open about it with your partner and you can discuss it – that’s not cheating. 

 

That’s called effective communication. YAY! 

 

Pornography is a means to get into an altered state of reality. It is a product created to entertain us, and I believe it should be treated as such. 

Some couples do not consider watching porn cheating and they actually encourage their partner to use porn to get new ideas to bring into the bedroom. 

Is Porn Cheating?

However, there is a limit like everything in life. 

When the hobby becomes something else and it changes your reality. Do you find yourself using porn and not leaning into your sexual relationship with your partner? 

For some, this is an issue, and for others, it really is not! 

Using porn to replace sex in real life is like using a drug for some people, because it reduces their desire to be intimate or have any deep personal connection.. 

If pornography is used long enough (YES – I have seen this happen numerous times), it may become the only way a person can get aroused and have an orgasm to meet their sexual need.

When this happens, we can say that person has gradually become a pornosexual.

 

What is a Pornosexual?

This is a relatively new term. It refers to people who tend to love watching porn more than having sex with someone in person. 

Basically, being pornosexual means finding more pleasure when it comes to watching porn and intimacy alone than with partnered sex and touch. 

I have seen this type of behavior cause problems with intimacy, and in turn can cause problems in a marriage.

Pornosexuals experience all of their sexual pleasure in isolation instead of shared. Sometimes, I have heard clients who identify as pornosexuals also say they have a fear of intimacy.

Since they can get sexual pleasure online, without the effort of intimacy or connection, they are fulfilled. 

If a pornosexual starts dating someone who wants an in-person sexual relationship, and omits his/her porn behavior, then porn again can become cheating. 

 

So…is porn cheating?

 

Watching porn can be great and even fun if you view it as a movie, and if everyone in the relationship is okay with it. 

 

Get your guide to connect more today

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do