BDSM for Beginners

BDSM for Beginners

BDSM for Beginners

Most people have a taboo kink or two, but have no idea how to bring those fantasies into reality, which is why this post is about BDSM for beginners.

Sex starts between your ears in your largest and most important sex organ - your brain!

You should understand BDSM before you start. First of all BDSM stands for Bondage & Disciple, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Kinky sex can be defined many different ways, but for most experienced adults, we are usually talking about something that is either taboo in your culture, peer group or family, or is fetishistic. Sometimes it's both!

So an excellent place to start is to ask yourself the question.

What exactly do I want?

 

BDSM for Beginners - Cheat Code One!

 

If you have no idea, your first cheat code is to think about the things that you fantasize about when you masturbate.

If you think about the same specific thing every time, you have a fetish or a paraphilia! Feet, hair, shoes, lactation, blood, bondage, incest are all common examples of this type of kink, but it really can be anything.

And fetishes are so weird that it’s weird if they aren’t weird, so don’t fall into the “shame trap” if you have a fetish. Somewhere in the world, there is someone that shares your fetish and there is probably porn about it.

If you find that your kinky fantasies are less specific and more along the lines of “something naughty with someone hot” than you are more likely looking for taboo sex or experimental sex.

This is less about a specific “object” and more about a general dynamic or curiosity. Some common general dynamics are power exchange scenarios, kidnapping fantasies, School teacher fantasies, Pirate fantasies, Cowboys, firemen, damsels in distress, threesomes, body fluids, anything that you think is hot because you aren’t supposed to is taboo.

It all sounds interesting to you and you are super curious to try all the things out!
You are motivated by adventure and may also be adrenaline junkies in other areas of life.

Ask yourself what your fantasies are, then try to sort whether you are looking for a specific fetish, or if you are seeking a particular dynamic for naughty “Taboo Sex” or if you are just seeking experiments for novelties sake.

 

BDSM for Beginners

BDSM for Beginners - Cheat Code Two!

Identify your most likely source!

 

Be careful not to remove others humanity in this step! People are more likely to get kinky with you, if you treat them like humans not objects.

Are you currently in a committed relationship? If so, then prudent honesty is your best bet. Easy peasy!

Be aware that sexual revulsion is real and it isn’t a bad idea to test your partner for revulsion before you attach any expectation toward a specific kink from them.

And I don’t mean just stick your finger in their ass and see if they kick you for it… I mean something more like observe them carefully when something that you find hot comes up naturally.

For instance, if you are into feet, find out if they get pedicures, if they do, they don’t freak out when someone touches their feet, so you have a pretty good idea that they aren’t automatically revulsed.

Mentally review their life story and sexual history for areas of sensitivity.

Give them an opportunity to talk about it without suggesting that you have a detention fantasy.

How did they feel about the Pirates of the Caribbean movies?
Or Grey’s Anatomy?
Or Game of Thrones?
Or Fifty Shades?
Bear in mind that you may find new incompatibilities this way and that is depressing and will sometimes force a decision.

If you are not in a relationship, Google is your friend!
There are special interest groups all over the country for all manner of kinks and many of them even have a national level convention.

 

There is a Con for EVERYTHING (almost)!

 

My advice is to go to them for education first and find out what the norms and protocols around your particular kink is before you just dive in with a stranger.

Sites like Fetlife can be very helpful with this.

Also, be aware that friends with common interests are a great thing, even it it doesn’t end in a mutually satisfying outcome, so don’t be afraid to mingle!

Now that you have identified your most likely source, COMMUNICATE!

 

Communication

 

Prudence is your friend, but shame is your enemy.

If you already know what your kinky sex wish is, STOP and say it out loud!

ACTUALLY PAUSE! And voice it to the screen.

If you did it, AWESOME!

Now you just gotta tell the person that really matters: your partner or potential partners!

 

After you have decided that, tell them what you want!
HERE IS THE BEST CHEAT CODE EVER for BDSM for Beginners!

 

Work from general to specific, listen as much as you talk, and be willing to barter! Here is a simple sample to help, feel free to use it as a template.

(indicate that you are interested in them in a sexually exploratory way, yet don’t offer full vulnerability right from the beginning. Give them a chance to buy in and meet you halfway)

-I have been having a little fantasy lately...

-Oh really?

-Yes, It kinda feels like maybe I’m picking up on a vibe between us and I wonder if you feel something similar.

(If they are encouraging ask for a buy in)

-I’ll tell you, but you have to tell me your fantasy first…

(LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THEM WHEN THEY TELL AND HONESTLY CONSIDER. Then, you can tell them your fantasy).

Don’t give them feedback on their fantasy until you tell them yours and you both have skin in the game.

Pick a follow up plan and get them to agree to it.

Now you have a roadmap to follow!

I just have one closing thought to share before I let you go manifest your sexy dreams…

A note on fantasies.

Some fantasies can’t be ethically practiced in the real world and must be left to fantasy. This is particularly true of a lot of taboo fantasies. In these cases, role playing can be your friend!

Take some time in the shared fantasy stage with your partner before you try to make it a reality.

Enjoy the journey!

If you want to learn more about BDSM and Kink, please comment below!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!
Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


Cowgirl sex position

Cowgirl Sex Position

COWGIRL SEX POSITION

 

The Cowgirl sex position is pretty simple, yet incredibly vulnerable. 

 

“What’s your favorite position?”

“Doggie Style.”

“Eh… what about girl on top?” 

“The Cowgirl Sex Position?”

“Yeah! That’s my ABSOLUTE favorite!” 

 

It’s about the woman taking control of the speed, depth, and angle of penetration, which enables her to own her pleasure. 

 

The cowgirl sex position can be an incredibly intimate position, which allows for eye contact between partners if they choose. 

 

It doesn’t matter if you are having sex with another woman, man, or a person who identifies as a different gender. After all, whoever you are having sex with will get an unobstructed view of the woman riding during the cowgirl sex position. 

 

With the receiving partner on his (or her or their) back, the woman sits on top of the partner’s pelvis, resting her knees on the surface of the bed, and arranging her thighs on the hips of her partner.

cowgirl sex position
Illustration from Badgirlsbible

 

The woman on top will have her hands free to use in many pleasurable ways! HOW? 

 

Well, to self-stimulate the external clitoris, breasts, or use a sex toy if needed.

 

 

A woman can also grab her partner behind neck to kiss that partner while doing some penetration movements.

 

 

Here are Some Tips on the Cowgirl Sex Position for the Partner:

  • This position is often stated to be one of the preferred positions of women, so if you want a night of perfect sex, ask her if this is something she wants 
  • Grabbing, holding or squeezing her butt can be a key move. Also, incorporating some spanking will raise the excitement level..
  • If you have been given consent, and want to explore further, you can go underneath the buttocks, with lubricated fingers, and caress these areas.. Make sure not to mix fingers that go to the anus with those that go to the vagina.
  • Feel free to move your hand up towards her neck. Ask her what she thinks about this posture of just resting your hand around her throat lightly. Do not put pressure on the trachea (the middle of the neck), because with around 8 lbs of pressure, you can do a lot of damage. I was interviewed for an article on Erotic Choking in Playboy by Bridget Phetasy - read it to learn more.

 

Women, Keep in Mind:

  • Be sure you are fully lubricated before starting this position.
  • Never start too quickly, rough, or with too much deep. If you are a beginner in sex, this position is good as long as it is done slowly.  Doing it slowly and building up trust with your partner is the key to success. 
  • Combine your first movements with caresses or kisses. 
  • Plan to do self stimulating with your free hand.
  • The penetrative movements on top can be done in a few ways. The most common:
    • Thrusting from top to bottom. For beginners, move in a circular motion, opening your legs to achieve more penetration and ease for you.Feel free to do combined movements: some slower, some faster.If you want to contract the vagina naturally, lean back. The penis will touch the G-Spot area perfectly.  Never lean too far back, because you can cause a strong pain at the base of the man's penis or you can slide off of your partner’s genitals or strap on. 
  • This position is not only perfect in bed, it works great on the couch or the floor. If it is on the floor, please put something under your knees so you don’t hurt yourself. 
  • If you like anal sex, this position is ideal to continue to work on. This level of control is what makes it perfect for newcomers - no matter their gender - when it comes to anal pleasures.

.

How? Have your partner sit with his/her/their back against the headboard so you are both face to face with each other. Your partner can then lend some support by cupping your bottom in their hands as you grip the headboard.

The best thing my clients report to me about this position is that the woman has freedom and control of movement and action. 

 

Being a sex terapist, I have heard women state that having the ability to direct the speed and intensity of the sexual scene leads to more sexual satisfaction for them. 

 

What about for you? Do you have any reasons why the cowgirl sex position is your favorite? 

 

Or… are you scared to try it? 

 

Don’t worry. We can help! 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

 


female anatomy

Female Anatomy - Become A Sexpert

Female Anatomy - Become A Sexpert

 

You, like everyone, need to learn a bit more about Female Anatomy. This is one of my favorite topics to teach on - it never gets old!

 

By better understanding female anatomy, you or your partner will be better prepared to enjoy sex to the fullest.

 

“Knowledge will set you free!”

 

This quote from Socrates tells us to be aware of the reality and the knowledge of this can change your current state. So, let’s talk about my favorite topic - your sexual enlightenment.

 

There are so many parts that make up the female sexual anatomy, so it makes sense if you aren't deeply familiar with each and every one. Therefore, I made this video!

 

I will give you a simple, yet very thorough lesson about female anatomy. You will learn how to identify each anatomical part and its function. This knowledge can help you have optimal sex.

 

If you have questions on the female anatomy, feel free to let us know! We will do our best to provide more information!

 

female sexual anatomy

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. So Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.  


Surviving Infidelity

Surviving Infidelity: How To Reboot Your Relationship

Surviving Infidelity: How To Reboot Your Relationship

Have you been surviving infidelity? 

Have you ever been cheated on? 

Or have you been a home-wrecker? 

Adultery - as with other supplements and shopping sprees and pleasure quests - is at least a reliable way of proving to ourselves that we’re not in the ground quite yet, especially when feeling a little dead inside. Or at least until a better solution comes along. - Laura Kipnis

For those who are surviving infidelity, I commend you! This is SO challenging.

I personally have been fascinated and curious about affairs my entire life. From age 19, I began reading every single book and article I could get my hands on. 

WHY do people cheat? What is this devastation that lingers in the heart after you find out your partner is unfaithful? 

If you are surviving infidelity, you know that incredibly intense feeling you have that your world is falling apart and you will die of heartbreak. 

When you discover that your partner was unfaithful and has been having an affair, the world you once knew starts to become questionable. 

In a flood of angry, sad, and fearful emotions, not even the most prepared person is able to manage the emotional, mental and physician damage when this type of secret is revealed or found out. 

It is possible to overcome infidelity!

Infidelity affects a critical  part of a couple's relationship - the breaking of trust and intimate connection. It is not surprising that it ends up being one of the three most common reasons why couples come to see us for therapy in the first place! 

Questioning why infidelity happened?

Coupledom isn’t always simple. Although we love to pair-bond as a species, the truth is that cohabitation, extended family dynamics, financial stressors, the monotony of the weekly routine, and raising children (or pets or neither) makes it an incredibly complex and intertwined reality.

Behind most cases of infidelity, there are usually other aspects of the relationship that have caused a huge gap between you as partners… a gap in which the infidelity may have been consummated.

Surviving infidelity

How long will it take you to overcome the pain of infidelity?

The most honest answer I can offer you is… it all depends. The most important thing is that you do not have a deadline for your healing.

Overcoming infidelity and improving your relationship is possible, and I have seen at least a hundred couples do it. Sometimes it takes four months, sometimes longer! You are NOT obligated to do this alone though. This would be between you and your partner. 

It will not be easy, but ensuring that you are both on the same team is crucial! 

For some couples, coming into therapy can be the difference between staying together or divorcing.

Things You Need To Do:

Take it Easy - Don’t Rush Thing

After finding out that your partner has been unfaithful, there is usually a mix of anger, fear, and pain that manifests itself within the partner who has been betrayed. 

You have to create someplace that is a "safe place" where you can go alone to take breaks if you need to from the emotional intensity. 

Sometimes, this is in your bed, sometimes a separate room, and sometimes for me, it has been in the closet surrounded by “stuff” because it makes me feel contained. 

Talk To Your Partner About Surviving Infidelity

If you want to stay in the relationship, you must talk to your partner about the infidelity - no matter how difficult it may seem. 

If you think you have questions and you need certainty (to ask why, how often, with whom, where, etc), reach out to your partner about the questions. 

Let them have time to think on it. Just because YOU want them to tell you NOW doesn’t mean you are allowed to force them to answer. I KNOW… that may sound challenging. 

However, it is the way to face what happened and to try to overcome it, as a couple. It is important to show your partner that you still are respecting their boundaries, even though trust was broken. 

Try To Trust

Yes, some people say that this sounds impossible, yet if you have decided that you want to continue with the relationship, you need to work on trusting in small steps. Trusting with work, or chores, or date night. If you want, sit down and talk about how both of you can assure this situation is not going to happen again.

Do Not Live In Fear

It is possible that the unfaithful person is afraid that his or her or their partner will get revenge. However, not all relationships work this way. Not everyone retaliates to get even. In fact, if the other person loves you, they will end up forgiving you.

A Special Note of Divorce - from what I have witnessed as a therapist, many women, especially those who don’t work, and those that have kids, are very afraid of getting a divorce. 

They are concerned about what happens to them, their kids, and their home. Find out from a lawyer instead of living in fear. Ask the questions and get the information. 

The truth sets us free!

Regain Sexual Passion

Sometimes, infidelities occur because the relationship fell into the routine or there is not enough passion. Try to rekindle the passion as well as the trust. Seek out sex therapy if you have no idea where to start! 

Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be an important part of the healing process. Many couples therapists see infidelities and know how to best handle them. Although surviving infidelity is complicated, couples therapists know the patterns to get you to a place of healing. 

Surviving infidelity

Start a New Relationship 

Understand that forgiveness is not synonymous with surviving infidelity and continuing on as if nothing had happened. Nor is it the same as ignoring it and following the path that led you to this place within the relationship. 

The main part of surviving infidelity is the willingness to START A NEW RELATIONSHIP. 

Your old marriage is over... you get to both consent to wanting a new one! 

You must find real reasons to convince your partner and yourself that there are still emotional building-blocks of trust needed to rebuild your relationship, and ultimately, forgive the infidelity.

If you want to hold onto anger at your partner, just know that as a couples therapist, I would not want you to continue to berate the other person due to what has happened. 

Sooner or later, this pattern of not-forgiving will end up causing a huge conflict that will end the relationship. 

If your partner is willing to rebuild trust and end the affair, then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue in the relationship. 

If you want to learn more about surviving infidelity, please comment below!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


Plus Size Sex

Plus Size Sex

PLUS SIZE SEX

For those of you who are considered “plus size” or those of you who have sex with people who are considered overweight, it is time to have the BEST PLUS SIZE SEX EVER.

Common Themes:

  • "I am plus size, should I be on top when I have sex? I do not want to break my girlfriend"
  • I’m embarrassed to be on top, because my partner can see all my rolls and jiggles.”
  • “I am plus size and I want to take things to another level with my partner. What positions might work for us for penetrative sex? 

 

If this sounds like you or your partner, I have the plus size sex answers you have been waiting for! Believe it or not peoplehave sex no matter what their size! Ranging from masturbation, to partnered sex, to kinks, different body types have sex all the time. 

 

Self-consciousness can be deep within you and it feels insurmountable. I understand that you might feel shy about your body in front of your partner, especially if you’re feeling insecure.

 

Your jiggly hips, soft bellies, full chests, and dimpled thighs are all a part of you, and they are beautiful and perceived as VERY sexy. 

 

All individuals deserve the sex life they want!

 

While unleashing your body, try to remember that the person showing up in the bedroom vulnerably with you knows what you look like if they are going to have sex with you.

 

The fact is that confidence comes from radical acceptance of who you are. 

 

Another fun fact is that the more you do something (for example, show yourself nude to a partner), the easier that THING becomes, AND the more CONFIDENT you become about it.

 

Love yourself like no other, AND love your body like no one else can. You DO NOT need anyone’s permission to do so. With confidence, you can attract whoever you are attracted to. Confidence is sexy.

 

It is key to talk to your partner about what sex you want to try. Do whatever position it is that you need to do to get your “rocks” off. 

 

If you are worried about getting on top or sitting on your partner’s face, ask him/her/them. If they/he/she says yes and you want to, JUST DO IT! You will not suffocate your partner to death!

 

Your plus size sex has the best chance of being AMAZING if you keep an open conversation and talk to your partner about it.

 

Sexy Time

Whether you’re plus size, your partner is, or you both are, these are penetrative plus size sex positions you will love to try:

  • Reverse Cowgirl - booty is in! 
  • Doggy Style -  this is an oldie, but a goodie! Especially for receiving partners that want a harder sensation. 
  • The Pretzel - this is more of a sensual sex position than a wild one. Receiver is in a spooning position on their side and the penetrative partner (man or the one with a phallus) is on top, like in missionary. The person penetrating can get into the body at the best angle this way and the receiver can use a sex toy if they want on their other genitals.  
  • Edge of The Bed - try one person laying on the edge of the bed to receive penetration while the giver is STANDING and thrusting.
  • The Elevated Starfish - this is a variation of missionary, but with accommodations that can make it more exciting. Legs open, legs closed, knees bent and tucked up. 

If these positions don’t work, no problem! 

Not only did I work as the sex therapist for those with binge eating disorders at an eating disorder facility, but I myself have ranged in weight from average size to plus-size. 

Non-Penetrative Plus Size Sex Tips You Are Going To Love:

Masturbate

  • Learn about your pleasure and erroneous zones.
  • Experiment with your body and your orgasms! 

 

Someone Who You Feel Safe With

Find someone you can “lose the shame” with. If you are with someone who shames you for your body, please do not stay with this partner.. You’re beautiful!

  • Someone else is dying to appreciate you - I promise! You don’t need to waste your time on someone that doesn’t make you feel special for who you are.
  • Consider having a sexual relationship with someone you could keep the lights on with during sex. 

 

Use Toys

  • The choices are endless from vibrations to sensations! Move away from penetrative sex and get in the habit of making the entire body the sexual region instead of focusing on just penetrative sex, which is incredibly limiting. 

 

Buy Sexy Clothes For Yourself 

  • While finding lingerie in stores is IMPOSSIBLE (in my experience it was), plenty of online retailers make gorgeous plus size lingerie. 
  • My personal favorite is to get a costume to spice things up! NOTE: the one size fits all (in the plus-size category) used to work best for me because the material is stretchy, and that made me feel like it hugged more appropriately.

 

Put Your Comfort First 

  • Don’t go out of your way to satisfy another partner orally (eating out or giving blowjobs) while kneeling if it’s too hard on your knees. 
  • Don’t feel like you have to have shower sex if you feel you are stuffed in there too tightly. Feeling claustrophobic during shower sex (yes this happens) is much worse. 
  • Share your desires with your partner, and ask questions to find out what feels good to him/her. Lie down to give oral sex if needed. 

 

Thigh Chafing

  • If you find your thighs chafing during sex, put a dab of lotion or uberlube that neither you or your partner are allergic to on the inside of your thighs. NOT on your genitals yet.
  • This will make your skin super soft, and prevent rashes, and irritation..
  • Also, for those who like lingerie, you can buy amazing lingerie thigh garters for chafing. If those don’t work for you, cotton shorts under clothing help. 

 

Stay Hydrated

  • Don’t be afraid to take breaks during sexual activity. 
  • Sex can be hard work and it’s important to hydrate yourself. 
  • Do not push yourself past your limits, because it will affect the entire body later! 

 

If you feel that you need additional support for your plus size sex questions, feel free to comment them below! 

 

 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

 

A relationship and sex therapy program that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach.


Does size matter?

Does Size Matter?

Does Size Matter?

Is it long enough? Thick enough? Hard enough? Does size matter?

"Why is the size of a penis one of the biggest sexual concerns?" she asks.

“Toxic Masculinity,” she whispers. 

We live in a culture that correlates penis size to how masculine a man is and / or his sexual identity.

“AHHH! Patriarchy!” she screams.

So… wait… DOES SIZE MATTER?

Whether you call it a penis, phallus, lingam, dick, cock, or any other name, we unfortunately live in a reality where everyone seems to be obsessed with penis size! 

We see it in advertising, movies, and in dozens of studies that are conducted annually to determine if it is important, both to men and women. 

Before debunking the stigma, here are some common phallus questions and answers.

Does size matter?

When does it stop growing?

The largest growth spurts occur during male adolescence, and continue until around 20 years old. From this point on, it is common for penis size to remain similar for the rest of a man's life.

Although the growth of the penis occurs in this period, the rate may vary from one teen to another, and may be faster in some cases than in others.

Why is a penis crooked?

Penises can grow slightly from one side or the other, because the urethra does not always accompany the development of the rest of the organ, causing a slight curve.

However, if the curvature produces pain and impedes penetration during intimate contact, it is caused by Peyronie's disease

Is it possible to increase the size of a penis?

The size of the penis varies greatly from one man to another, and from one country to another. 

In this way, it is difficult to determine an interval to assess whether the size of the penis can be considered normal.

However, for men who want to increase penis size, there are forms of “treatment” from pumps to creams to losing weight to not smoking.

What is a normal or average penis size?

In the Journal of Urology study, researchers found the following among the group of 80 men:

  • An average penis size length of 8.8 cm (3.5 inches) when flaccid (soft)
  • An average penis size length of 12.9 cm (5.1 inches) when erect (hard)
  • The size of a man's erect penis was not correlated with the size of his flaccid penis. This means that men whose penises are different lengths when flaccid may have similarly sized erect penises. There was also no relationship between mens' age and their penis size.

The Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2014 said that out of self-reported summaries:

  • An average erect penile length of 14.15 cm (5.57 inches) 
  • An average erect penile circumference of 12.23 cm (4.8 inches). This means the girth, width, or "fullness" around the base of the penis. 

How important is size?

The size of the penis is not as important as everyone thinks when it comes to sexually satisfying one's partner. 

Penis size isn’t that critical to sexual pleasure. If you are going to penetrate another person, dildos are much more reliable and you can select the size you want. 

The MOMENT you put pressure on the penis to get hard, it’s ALL OVER! You may as well just book an appointment now, because you will get stuck in the anxiety loop. 

Regardless of size, what is important to one's partner is that the penis can stay hard for as long as it needs to. This is why I suggest the use of dildos. 

Take the pressure off! 

If you are performing for a female partner, just know that only 18% of women orgasm through penetrative sex alone. Therefore, make sure you have lubricant and a vibrator.  

Women sometimes take up to 20 minutes to get warmed up so don’t rush them! Your penis being hard isn’t the concern. It is your patience in her getting to experience HER pleasure. 

So my answer to the question "Does size matter?" is "eh - not really."

Size seems to matter most when the penis is too big or too wide. Depending on the time of month, the cervix is located in different places.

This matters with vaginal penetration, because too much length can cause pain while hitting the cervix. There is actually a sexual health device that goes on the base of the penis so that it cannot go in as deep to help fix this problem!

Another issue is when the penis is too wide, there may be an hour of foreplay needed so that other orifices are warmed up and relaxed.

If you were to ask me in my experience "within the therapy room," when asking clients (women or those who enjoy penetrative sex with penises) to choose between what matters more, 9 out of 10 will choose girth (width / circumference) over length.

Out of all the clients I have seen over the last ten years, only about 5 out of 100 people state that they care about size at all. Usually 3 of those 5 will be identified as bisexual or gay men.

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

 


Polyamory

Polyamory - THE #1 DIVORCE ALTERNATIVE

 Polyamory -THE #1 DIVORCE ALTERNATIVE 

2 out of 3 Millennials choose this alternative rather than divorcing. 

polyamory

If you aren’t in the queer, non-heteronormative communities, you may not even know what I am talking about. 

Polyamory is the new norm. Polyamory is the practice of loving multiple people - intimately and sometimes sexually. 

Why go through a divorce when you can just be honest about desiring an open sexual and romantic relationship? 

“Is swinging becoming a thing again?” asks one of my Baby Boomer clients after reading something on Facebook.

“Swinging never really went anywhere. However, they have added love. It’s called polyamory.” I respond. 

Swinging HAS been and will always be a thing. What is new is the amount of people who want to try polyamory as the newest form of relationship. 

Have you thought about OPENING up your relationship? 

What the hell is polyamory or non-monogamy? 

polyamory

Non-monogamy or open relationships are broad terms for sexual and romantic relationship styles ranging from SWINGING to POLYAMORY to KINK PLAY PARTNERS to MONOGAMISH!

Confused yet? I was too at first! 

Millennials appear to be opening the door to open relationships instead of just having one-night stands or fun with a partner on the weekend. 

From what I have heard, people state it is more of an intersectional feminist approach where everyone gets to build relationships and their IDENTITY on their own terms. 

Monogamy and polyamory are both relationship strategies. I know it may seem weird, but it is true. 

One is not superior to the other. It is a matter of choice and personal preference.

 

Are you scared of your partner asking you for polyamory? Well, you can suggest different forms of open relationship! 

  • Monogamish is a long-term committed relationship that bend the rules of monogamy with the consent of both parties. It can include dancing or kissing others. 
  • Open relationships means that you are in an open sexual and / or romantic relationship with more than one person.
  • Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person at a time. Like… one time, I was married and had a boyfriend all at once. Those relationships are all over. But it was a part of me and a way of life for a long time! 

Successful polyamorous individuals establish guidelines about what is and is not cheating, and frequently have safer-sex conversations.

  • Non-monogamy means that people have sexual relationships other than their one partner. MAKE SURE YOU NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE! 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

 


porn addiction recovery

Is Porn An Addiction?

Is Porn An Addiction?

“Psst… he has porn addiction.” She whispered.

“Did you hear they got divorced due to a porn addiction?” He gossiped. 

“Addiction” to porn has not been proven yet, but there are people who have reported to me the compulsions that porn has given them in their lives. 

Pornography is defined as "any sexually explicit material that is intended to, or is used as, a sexual outlet." (The Porn Trap, 2008).

Porn use is individualized. We cannot lump it into one category, even though it would be easier!

I know people who literally have skipped out on dates, their job, and family functions due to their desire to masturbate and self-pleasure as a coping skill. 

Not everyone has a “porn addiction” or compulsive porn use though. Honestly, the AASECT Sex Therapy board doesn’t even believe there is enough evidence to prove that it exists! 

Fun fact… some pornography sometimes can awaken desire and paint fantasies in the psyche. 

My Quick Tips For Using Pornography while self-pleasuring: 

  • Still photos are always better.
  • It is better to read erotica than watch it. 
  • If you can, mute the sound.
  • It is better to see a GIF than it is a movie. 

Why do people say they have porn addiction though? 

Self-diagnosis of porn addiction usually comes when people say they are escape into fantasies rather than dealing with their realities. 

People believe “porn addiction” is real because it is similar to other addictions:

  • Immediate reward - masturbation leads to orgasm. 
  • It can be repeated as many times as you want. It is mostly free and private.
  • You start with a small dose. By seeing light scenes, enough for the stimulation and the release of dopamine. Some people will say that they travel down the path of kinkier scenes because they need greater stimulus and more “raw” footage. Others DO NOT report this. It really seems that this depends on a person’s sexual appetites. 

Is there such a thing as porn addiction?

Not yet. Researchers all over are debating if excessive use of pornography is considered a porn addiction in the scientific sense of the word.

However, many people come to therapy due to their fears and sexual dysfunctions that they believe are caused by porn use. 

“Pornography…really, really messed up my life in a lot of ways,” Crew said. “I believed that I was more valuable than my wife as a human being because I was a man. And when you believe that you are more valuable than another person, you kind of feel like they owe you. And I was wrong.” -Terry Crew.

I have seen pornography ruin marriages, families, and people’s careers. I have had clients that have been caught and the shame causes a rippling effect into their home. 

 

So… what can you do?! 

  • 12-Step Programs 

A community of others who are struggling with a similar experience and come together just to get over this particular issue. 

  • Individual Therapy

Individual therapy with a qualified mental health professional usually consists of 45-60 minute sessions, focusing on the behaviors related to the “porn addiction.”

CBT often focus on negative thoughts about oneself and the world to change these into more positive and less-intrusive thoughts.

Couples counseling can be important for partners when one, or both, feel porn and masturbation are being used in unhealthy ways.

This type of counseling focuses on both resolving individual behaviors, improving communication, and bridging the barriers between the two partners when it comes to sexual functioning and conversation. 

If you feel you have a porn addiction and can’t stop "using," consider contacting a mental health professional experienced in treating compulsions and sexual dysfunction.

A trained therapist can help you overcome unhealthy behaviors and improve your quality of life TODAY! 

 

 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


Relationship Therapy Life Coaching West Hartford

Relationship Therapy

Relationship Therapy

How is your current relationship going?

Does it need a tune-up?

Do you feel more like roommates than partners?

Relationship therapy can help spark a fire!

Some of you may think “what? We haven’t even been together a year! Why would we do that?” Well... for you newbies in NRE (New Relationship Energy), it’s good to set up a foundation of trust.

For those in long-term relationships, what patterns are you stuck in? Distancer / pursuer? High desire / low desire?

You may consider relationship therapy as a way to improve your communication and to call out patterns that lead to chaos.

If you are on the verge of divorce, instead of calling a lawyer, you can utilize relationship therapy to address your concerns regarding:

  • Pleasure and intimacy
  • Emotions and feelings
  • Communication patterns

Relationship therapy can be an effective resource for adults of any age, relationship style, gender, or sexual orientation.

Unfortunately, it is a FACT that most relationships fail.

Do you want yours to be one of them?

Experience relationship therapy in an environment that values sex positivity - an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation.

Many therapists are NEVER trained in sex-positivity so you don’t get the help you need with them.

We have seen it all! If you feel like you can’t find ANYONE that gets it… relationship therapy with L-CAT may be the solution for you.

Bring us your stories around surrounding monogamy, tantra, sex and cancer, polyamory, swinging, bisexuality, intersex, sex and trauma, fetishes and kinks, gay and lesbian relationships, gender identity, transgender relationships, power dynamics, and those that are genderqueer and questioning.

We want you to THRIVE - no matter what!

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.


breast cancer and pleasure

Sex After Breast Cancer

Sex After Breast Cancer

I often get asked by my female clients for alternative ways to get aroused during sex after breast cancer. They have little or no feeling in their nipples due to breast cancer or other types of breast surgery.

 

I have heard more than 100 women discuss changes in sensitivity around the nipple and breast, which impacts sex after breast cancer and even breastfeeding.

 

There is A LOT happening emotionally and spiritually while undergoing breast surgery and recovery.

 

The chest is an interesting body part for women, as it holds the heart and the breasts! It's such a tender and vulnerable spot.

 

breast

 

After breast cancer surgery, many women indicate they do not feel 'womanly' anymore. Some feel they aren't good enough. This is because they don't like how they fill out their shirts, or they have unappealing scars, or they don't get aroused easily. This creates anxiety and insecurity in their sex life.

 

Tips and Lessons Learned From My Clients for Sex After Breast Cancer (if your nipples aren’t sensitive anymore): 

  1. Identify your breast sensitivity: no sensation, minimal sensation, due to technique or something else.
  2. Talk to your doctor if you need to understand the cause
  3. Find another part of your body that is sensitive. Try the lower back and down the sides of the body. Go from your neck, around the chest, and down the rib cage (towards the belly). Once you find other areas that are sensitive have your partner touch you there.
  4. Reclaim your chest by either piercing your nipples or tattooing over surgery scars. 
  5. Incorporate other toys on the nipples, like nipple clamps, vibrators, or floggers (whips) to get a different feeling on the chest.
  6. Do a sexy photo shoot to reclaim your beauty.
  7. Do a mourning ritual for the chest you used to have so you can grieve and move on!

 

If you have had breast cancer or reconstruction, or possibly breast implants or breast reductions, how have you dealt with the feelings of insecurity, pain, embarrassment, etc.?  Please comment below, we would love to hear from you!

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

 

 

breast cancer