Super Spooky Halloween Sex Tips

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Super Spooky Halloween Sex Tips

 

Halloween sex is a perfect time to let loose your inner witch, warlock or werewolf! Whether you are looking to try something a little different or push your boundaries to the extreme, there are plenty of tricks and treats to try this season.

Halloween sex can be fun, funny, scary (in a good way!) and is a perfect opportunity to unleash your creativity…and the beast within!

 

Sex for Witches

Halloween Sex

Spells, potions, candlelight, crystals and potions- these are real turn ons for sexy witches! Set the mood by lighting your favorite candles, away from your flowing robes of course. Place crystals around the bedroom to encourage sensuality and fantasy fulfillment. Rose quartz, red garnet and jasper can all encourage sexual energies.

Conjure arousal with potent aphrodisiacs like oysters or dark chocolate, or sexy botanicals like maca, red ginseng and fenugreek. Get out your favorite spell book and find a recipe for a delicious love potion. I find margaritas do the trick! 

What to wear? How about nothing? Dance naked in the moonlight with your partner, letting the glorious light cascade over your bodies as you intertwine passionately.

If you have no one in your coven to dance with, find your special, body-safe silicone broomstick with the ten different vibration settings and cast a love spell on yourself over and over again. If you can’t find a broom, you can also use a crystal dildo made from rose quartz or jade. Chakrub makes beautiful sex toys from crystals for sexy witches and mortals alike.

 

Sex for Ghosts

You don’t have to be into spectrophilia to enjoy the cold embrace of love in the afterlife. For a spooky Halloween sex idea, put your clean bedsheets in the freezer and lay them on the bed before getting down to business.

The cold sheets will give you a chill down your spine, and perk up all your senses.

More into shape shifting Victorian ghosts? Halloween sex in a beautiful costume will help you live out the period romance you’ve been dreaming of! Corsets, ruffles, garters and nightgowns by candlelight can strike the perfect balance of spooky and sexy.

Want to get really weird? Set up a spooky haunted house scenario for your lover (with their consent of course!). Blindfold your partner and lead them through the house where you have set up spooky sensory experiences. A haunted house classic is a bowl of peeled grapes as eyeballs, let your imagination run wild, perhaps an ice cube in your mouth for cold, ghoulish kisses or a new toy to make them scream with pleasure.

 

Sex for Mummies

Massaged with perfumed oils from head to toe and then bound tightly? Who knew mummies could be so sexy!

Ancient Egyptians were known to use sweet almond oil, rose, and thyme during mummification, so use your lover’s favorite luxurious oils and perfumes to give them a relaxing massage before tying them up tightly.

Using ripped strips of cotton sheets instead of rope is beginner friendly and still gives the excitement of bondage. The power dynamic and the feeling of being tightly squeezed with no escape can be scary in all the right ways when done consensually.

Bind your mummy’s legs or arms and shower them with sensual affection that they cannot reciprocate. They’ll be dying to burst from their binds, so feel free to take turns torturing each other!

 

Sex for Vampires

Perhaps the sexiest creature of the night, vampire fantasies abound from Anne Rice to Twilight. There are even people who live like vampires and drink their lover’s blood!

Halloween Sex

You don’t need to go that far to enjoy vampire-approved sex. A few lube manufacturers have created blood colored lube to give a gory twist to your sex life. Not for the faint of heart, this is a safe and scary way to make a big mess.

Having sex during your period is an extra delight for creatures with blood lust and can save you from spending your money on that bloody lube. Lay down a soft towel to preserve Dracula’s sheets, or throw caution to the wind and just enjoy making a mess together.

If you love the romantic thrill of vampires however you’re squeamish about blood, kiss your lover’s neck, giving light to firm love bites. They may leave a mark, so make sure you have a turtleneck to wear to work! Wink wink.

Drink a blood inspired cocktail together, like a blood orange screwdriver or sangria, which is derived from the Spanish term for “bloodletting”. Yummy.

 

Sex for Werewolves

Instead of a silver bullet, how about a bullet vibrator? Tease your partner with this tiny and powerful vibrator until they howl at the moon!

Into hairy wolf people? Halloween sex is a fun night to break out some costumes and act out some aggressive, animalistic fantasies. Set boundaries and safe words beforehand and enjoy tearing each other apart. Dig your nails or teeth into their skin, pull their hair, and definitely let out some growls of passion.

You don’t have to be a furry to enjoy a beastly costume, have fun with the campiness and novelty of a different character in the bedroom.

 

Sex for Mortal Candy-Lovers

The best part of Halloween isn’t the scary movies or sexy costumes- it’s the candy of course! While it is fun to sit and eat a bowl of treats while watching Scream for the 85th time, why not try something a little naughtier?

Get tricks and treats by including you and your partner’s favorite goodies into sexy time. Just remember, no sweets in vaginas or you can risk an infection. Instead, try using candy in creative ways!

A candy necklace doesn’t have to go on your neck. Try putting it around your leg like a garter, or wrap it around the shaft of your partner’s penis. The biting can feel a little dangerous and can be oh so sexy. Just ask your vampire friends!

A little light bondage or choking with shoelace licorice, or placing small candies along your partner’s body and eating them off can be a sensual treat.

And if you have some whipped cream left over from pumpkin pie? Well, you know what to do…whipped cream isn’t just for Halloween sex!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

sex after death of a loved one

TRIGGER WARNING! Learn To Have Sex After Death Of A Loved One

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TRIGGER WARNING!

Learn To Have Sex After Death Of A Loved One

 

I’m so glad that you are interested in joining me as a trauma therapist on this sensitive topic to Learn To Have Sex After Death Of A Loved One

In this video, I’ll share my trauma therapist  considerations for how to begin approaching how to have sex after death of a loved one, things to try with others, and share my favorite strategies on how to learn to have sex and experience pleasure again after death of a loved one. Grief is challenging, and I will answer your questions about sex after death, even though this is not commonly discussed.

We hope you will take some of this  advice to use for your own recovery to learn to have sex after death of a loved one. My tips will hopefully break through months of stuckness on your part in your recovery journey on having sex after death of someone you loved.

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, Cosmopolitan, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE EGUIDE “THE PLEASURE PRACTICE”

https://lifecoachingandtherapy.com/ ←HERE

-Learn How to Unleash Your Self Pleasure and Transform Your Sex Life!-

 

Watch now:

 

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Gender Conforming

Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming? 

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Are You Gender Conforming or Gender Non Conforming? 

 

Gender conforming and gender non conforming are common words utilized in our society today. Read our blog post to learn more about Gender Expression and Gender Non Conforming.

 

What is Gender Conforming?

Gender conforming individuals are people who adhere to “normative” cultural standards surrounding gender expression. 

This would be a woman dressing in feminine attire or what our culture would consider acceptable for a woman (dress, leggings, certain colors, skirt, heels, etc.) or a man dressing in “masculine” attire (pants, athletic gear, a suit, tshirts, etc). 

The majority of our culture is “gender conforming” because that is what is expected and acceptable. 

People, generally, like to feel connected and accepted in our culture so most people will follow or conform to what is “in style” or “appropriate” for their gender.

Gender conforming can also be defined as following the “rules”  to your assigned gender at birth or your natal sex. 

Some would not consider transgender people to be gender conforming, even if they are wearing clothes that match their gender. 

Most of the clients and the majority of individuals in our world are gender conforming. 

What I work on with these clients is challenging these “normative” beliefs in order for them to assess what truly is comfortable for them so that it is a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one. 

So often when we conform, we do not think, we just do without being conscious. 

Whatever your choice is, I want you to realize it is a choice.

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative Individuals

Gender non-conforming individuals have gender expression that does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in for attire. For example, someone who presents as a woman yet is shopping for herself in the men’s department. 

Additionally, individuals who are gender non-conforming may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. Some people may present more neutral or androgenous, whereas others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal part of them that they are embodying. 

People who are gender creatives may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities such as non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, gender bending, gender non-conforming, or something else. 

For the clients that I work with who are gender creatives, often have a strong sense of internal identity and also really connect with the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Others do not connect to either at all. 

 

Gender Conforming, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression are NORMAL!

To be clear, there is nothing clinically problematic or concerning about gender expression or being gender conforming AT ALL. 

The individuals who see licensed clinicians like me and are gender non-confomring yet are seeing me for a completely different reason (and just want an identity-affirming therapist).

As you may imagine, someone who is not conforming to societal norms experiences a lot of unique stressors, and with gender expression being something that you “show” the world – it creates a lot of difficulty due to people’s hate and inability to learn and grow. 

Regardless of how you express your gender, whether you conform or not, at LCAT, we see you and we are here to help provide a safe, comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and learn and grow to be in your best empowered self!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding. 

Join us on your healing journey. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Trauma Informed Care

What is Trauma Informed Care?

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What is Trauma Informed Care?

 

Trauma informed care is a type of treatment that focuses on helping clients, customers, or patients heal from traumatic events that have happened in their life. Trauma informed care does not mean just “talking” about trauma; rather, it means sitting with and feeling through the parts that you often may run from, hide from, or fight with. 

There are a variety of trauma informed care that have been shown to help people heal from trauma. So how can you find a therapist that can help me with trauma? 

I am sure you don’t want to feel this way anymore, what do you do?

 

What is Trauma Informed Care?

What does it mean to have trauma informed care? Trauma informed care has the health care provider focus on providing safety in the space, allowing for choice, and asking for consent.

Health care providers that are trauma informed show ways that they are mindful of how trauma may be impacting the individual in their relationships and other various contexts.

Trauma informed health care providers are vital to the health care system because for those who have experienced trauma, it is necessary for them to have providers that are trauma informed. 

This process allows for collaboration and self-advocacy, which is important to people who have when you have experienced trauma. The thing is that many in the medical field are not trained, like psychotherapists (LMFT, LCSW, LPC, PsyD, PhD). 

As a practitioner in behavioral health, much of what we learn is through a lens of systemic thinking. We realize that individuals heal through safety, choice, and consent. 

In the past medical model, often medical practitioners are seen as the expert. Patients are not able to advocate and speak up for themselves, and thus, the patient ends up perpetrating themselves by being with someone who may remind them of their trauma.  

Similarly, the medical model is: 

  • Confusingly diagnosis based
  • Secretive and changes yearly
  • Racist and ableist
  • Cisgender and heteronormative (therefore, it is homophobic and transphobic)
  • Shaming and denigrating

The healthcare industry in the United States is the only system that I actually know.

I know it as a client, and I know it as a behavioral health provider, and a group practice owner. 

What I know is that there are many mental health providers who want to take insurance, yet cannot because they cannot understand how to get reimbursed for their services. 

As a trauma informed care provider, I know that we have multiple calls a day coming in looking to schedule with our clinicians. It is a blessing, and also the fact that there are so few places that are trauma informed is startling. 

Please, be mindful of where you go for your medical services. Trauma Informed Care

 

Ask questions and set up a first appointment as a “meeting,” yet don’t force yourself to stay with a provider that is not meeting your needs. 

See a trauma informed care provider today at Life Coaching and Therapy. 

We are a group practice and we can help you get to where you need, if we can’t help you ourselves. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Relationship Therapy

What To Expect When You Go To Relationship Therapy

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What To Expect When You Go To Relationship Therapy

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT)  is an individual, relationship therapy, and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure skills training provided by licensed systemically-trained psychotherapists. 

It’s time to do some reassessing on the relationships in your life and decide what kind of relationship you really want with your romantic partner. If not, you may end up in relationship therapy when it’s too late. 

Relationship therapy can help those with communication issues, desire discrepancy, and those who have a willingness to learn more. 

So…maybe you want a traditional, equal, or open, or kinky relationship? We know that there are a variety of relationship styles, yet how do you attain the type of relationship that you desire? 

Relationship therapy is a great place to begin, because it is discreet, confidential, and balanced. 

How do you go about determining what type of relationship you want? 

Relationship Therapy

Where do you fall on the spectrum above? 

Compare with your partner(s).

This will provide valuable information. 

Once you know what type of relationship you desire, and if all partners are interested in creating that, you can begin to envision piece by piece the steps to get there. 

Some of the plans you can consider, if you don’t want to go to relationship therapy would be a systemic approach (mind, body, feelings, and soul). 

As a couple, it is important to continue to make relationship goals for yourself – that you accomplish as a team! Parenting is one example of how many couples accomplish relationship goals as a team. However, it isn’t quite as specific as relationship therapy for the parts of you that desire erotic and romantic connection. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy is competent with and affirming of all relationship orientations and alternative sexualities, including: 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy provides relationship therapy that is affirming of all gender identities and sexual orientations, including:

  • Lesbian, gay and bisexual individuals and partnerships
  • Queer, transgender, and those individuals and partnerships that are beyond the binary.
  • Partners of transgender and gender expansive individuals

 

Outcomes To Expect from Relationship Therapy: 

  • Learn constructive conversation skills
  • Decrease resentment and increase self-awareness
  • Increase awareness about sexual pleasure and passion.
  • Be more confident with your partner and in yourself 
  • Become more knowledgeable about your needs vs. your strategies to get needs met that create barriers to progress and pleasure.
  • Support partners in becoming clear about what they themselves want for pleasure and how to be more open to receiving that pleasure. 
  • Understand how culture, cultural identity, and intersectionality are related to your behavioral health and your relationship
  • Discuss how our bias, power, and privilege can affect relationships and come up in relationship therapy with the clinician.
  • Describe how communication styles can differ across cultures. 
  • Discuss ways to learn more about one another’s intersectional identities as a way to bridge the gap between various sexual styles.

Often, relationship therapy is a solution that can provide valuable advice for this relationship, or the next if you have to consciously complete (end) the relationship. 

Here are some example of reviews that demonstrate how LCAT has helped our clients’ relationships:

Relationship Therapy

Relationship Therapy

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

Couples Communication Strategies

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Tips for Sexiest Night

Next Level Tips for Sexiest Night! [Couples having Sex]

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Next Level Tips for Sexiest Night!

[Couples having Sex]

 

Next Level Tips for Sexiest Night for individuals and couples having sex, and tips for sexiest night including connection, sensual exchange, and erotic negotiations.

Consenting adults – learn about tips for sexiest night, how people enjoy prepping for the couples having sex, and what techniques are helpful while you plan the ideal of sexiest night tips.

We can help you due to our years of experience in how to plan tips for sexiest night ever.

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Watch now! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, PornHub, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, Playboy, Maxim, Daily Mail, HeadSpace, and more!

 

 

GET THE INNER ASPECTS FOR INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES!

https://forqgg79.pages.infusionsoft.net/ ←HERE

 

 

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

couple goals

Green Flags for Couple Goals

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Green Flags for Couple Goals

 

Whenever people talk about couple goals and relationships, there is a tendency to focus on the “red flags.” Instead of focusing on the things that should be avoided, or early warning signs that a relationship is “doomed,” we are going to focus on green flags for couple goals today! 

While it can certainly be helpful when creating couples goals to know what you want to avoid and what to look out for, it can leave you feeling directionless when knowing what you should be looking for!

Things that should be avoided, or early warning signs that a relationship is “doomed”. 

While it can certainly be helpful when creating couple goals to know what you want to avoid and what to look out for, it can leave you feeling directionless when knowing what you should be looking for! 

 

The Benefits of Positivity

It is definitely smart to avoid certain behaviors as a couple or as an individual, so red flags are something useful for identifying behaviors, habits and personality traits that may be harmful to a relationship or to oneself. 

Think about it: if you bought furniture and the assembly instructions only included what you shouldn’t do, you would have a lot of trouble trying to build something functional and structurally sound! 

The same goes for couple goals: using green flags is a great way to identify what is right about a relationship, what you may be looking for, and to remind you what is already working so you can focus on aspects to improve towards. 

 

So What Are The Green Flags?

Most couple goals or green flags can be sorted into five basic categories: 

  • Communication
  • Compromise
  • Boundaries
  • Respect
  • Sense of Self

Most red flags fall into these categories too, and green flags give you solutions rather than just identifying problems. 

Let’s dive into these green flags! 

 

Communication

Communication will always be the foundation of a great relationship can must be one of your couples goals. Most of the other green flags are an offshoot of communication, it is so important!couple goals

Some green flags to indicate strong communication include:

  • Listening to you talk when you have issues, and supporting you through them
  • Recognizes your love language and uses it to express their love instead of only using their own love language
  • Modeling what they would like to hear in an argument. Ex: “Next time this comes up, a way that would model a healthier approach for me would be to say “What I think I hear you saying is____, is that correct?”

Listening supportively and communicating in ways that you each find effective are good signs that you are building a foundation to set some serious couples goals. 

 

Compromise

Compromise should never mean becoming a doormat or consistently letting your own needs and wants take a backseat for the sake of your partner. 

Compromise means trying to find solutions that benefit both of you, and finding ideas and solutions that are maybe even better than anyone’s singular idea. Think synergistically: the sum is greater than the whole of its parts. 

This requires humility and letting go of the desire to “win”. A relationship where everyone is trying to win and outrank each other is a huge red flag, so look at these green flags when it comes to compromise:

  • Look for the mutually-empowering way (a win-win) to resolve issues
  • Postponing gratification in the moment 
  • Being able to apologize and take ownership of wrongdoing

Being humble and accommodating each other’s unique and evolving needs will benefit your couples goals by working together for a great relationship. 

 

Boundaries

Boundaries can go hand in hand with compromise. Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting out your partner, and is actually about letting them in. 

Knowing your partner’s boundaries and being mindful of them is a green flag. Here are some examples:

  • You partner stops doing things that you say make you uncomfortable
  • Don’t avoid sharing truths.

Taking actions that respect each other’s boundaries will strengthen trust. The ability to be honest and open about your boundaries can help build that trust too. 

 

Respect

Respect is like Communication’s close sister, they are so closely related and you can’t really have one without the other when working towards couples goals. 

It is hard to feel confident about yourself or even communicate this feeling if you don’t feel you are respected. All relationships rely on respect to keep them communicative, loving and lasting. 

Some green flags that indicate respect:

  • You don’t put each other down deliberately, especially in public
  • Uses a calm, rational tone during arguments
  • Support each other’s ambitions and aids in growth
  • Keeping your word, doing what you say you will do and follows through. 

 

Strong Sense of Self

You cannot set strong couple goals if you are not feeling complete as individuals, with your own goals, opinions, aspirations and ideas. 

You can approach relationships in a healthier way if you let go of the mindset that someone else will “complete” you. 

As romantic as that is in movies, in the real world it can leave you disappointed and co-dependent!

Some green flags:

  • You both engage in your own inner work, consistently over and over
  • Support each other’s ambitions and goals
  • Celebrate each other’s accomplishments without jealousy 
  • Each have goals outside of the relationship
  • Self respect

The statement “you can’t give someone a drink from an empty cup” is cliché though true: if you aren’t continuing to grow, work on yourself and find fulfillment in your own life, you won’t have much to give a partner or to a relationship. 

In the same vein, you don’t need to sacrifice your entire cup to someone else- it is yours to drink from and share as you please!

couple goals

 

Redefining Couple Goals

The point of focusing on a “green flag” system instead of or adjacent to a red flag mindset is to give you actionable habits and behaviors to work towards in your relationships. 

Knowing what to work on and what to look for in relationships can be immensely helpful when working towards growth and relationship health. 

Which of these green flags do you already look for in relationships? Are some of these the answer to the red flags you actively avoid? Which green flags do you want to try out first in your couple goals? 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Why Couples Therapy Fails

Why Couples Therapy Fails & What To Do About It

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Why Couples Therapy Fails & What To Do About It

 

We often get asked why couples therapy fails, and the truth is, most couples have failed long before they get to couples therapy. 

Think about how annoyed you have to be at a partner to even ask them to go to couples therapy. 

And if that doesn’t satisfy you, we will answer the common reasons why couples therapy fails here. 

As a couples therapist, I have seen many couples and/or relationships struggle, replenish, and also fail.

The main reason why couples therapy fails though is something that I studied as a graduate student. 

I even presented on how to ensure couples therapy succeeds at an AAMFT Conference in 2010. 

Many reasons on why couples therapy fails come to therapists making suggestions that don’t work for different types of couples:

  • Egalitarian or traditional marriage
  • Religious or arranged marriages
  • Long distance relationships 
  • Interracial relationships
  • Consensual non-monogamy
  • Polyamory and / or swingers
  • BDSM / kink / fetish sexualities
  • Open arrangements
  • Tantric and spiritual aware partnerships

 

Common couples therapist mistakes:

  • Increased time together isn’t going to work when there is no foundation of trust
  • Increased date nights do not work if the couple has sexual difficulties
  • Reading and doing the love language test is great until one partner is resentful
  • One partner overgives and the other continues to take
  • Discussing symptoms instead of the underlying problem
  • Lack of systemic awareness leading to presenting issue

So how do you ensure that your couples therapist is right for you? 

Instead of asking why does couples therapy fail… especially during a time like a pandemic and a systematic shift in the culture… begin to look for solution-focused answers!

Here are some questions to ask:

  • Do you have any positive reviews written online with clients willing to share their experiences?
  • Are you a marriage and family therapist?
  • What was your undergraduate, graduate, and postgraduate education in? 
  • Do you have a license to practice psychotherapy? 
  • What specific courses have they taken as a couples therapist? 
  • What is their experience in studying sexuality? 
  • Does the couples therapist give homework?
  • What are their expectations and outcomes with clients who do all their homework?

First of all, changing the language from “failing” to “struggling” or “avoiding” or “stuck.”

When we focus on failure, it helps no one and frames our circumstances in a losing situation. 

Generally speaking, couples and couples therapists should work together to identify the willingness to work on the relationship or end the relationship (ideally with a conscious completion). 

Amazing skills to begin before seeking couples therapy is our recommended reading of other blogs we have written, reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg, and The Gottman Institutes resource as they focus on conflict and communication in relationships. 

These tips can help, and yet the best thing to do is to work with a clinician or psychotherapy who has experience in couples therapy success, to help you guide you and your partner in this process to continue or complete your relationship.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

What is Female Orgasm Denial?

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What is Female Orgasm Denial?

 

Female orgasm denial is a term for sexual play – especially in power exchange relationships – where orgasm is delayed, denied, and then even “forced.” 

To learn all about orgasm denial, see here! 

Today, we will talk about female orgasm denial specifically. 

Ask yourself if this part of you really wants to play with your partner in this way. 

Orgasm denial is SO not for everyone… please do not do it if it is too much for you. 

Does your inner Dominant or submissive really vibe with your partner(s) inner Dominant or submissive? Maybe, yet maybe not. 

Female orgasm denial is one type of strategy for sex, and sometimes I have heard that women were into orgasm denial as part of consensual “non consent.” 

What is consensual non-consent? Basically, it’s about “forcing” someone to do things that they pretend to say no to. Meaning, they don’t want to do, or doing things to them that the receiver “protests” against, yet are actually in favor of.  

One form of female orgasm denial that women have talked to me about is genital deprivation.

 

Genital Deprivation

If you got the basics of orgasm denial, female orgasm denial can be taken up a step by practicing genital deprivation. 

This method is used to build arousal, tension, and connection to one another by practicing building up desire and then lowering the desire.

So… you touch your partner everywhere – except their genitals. 

This can be an interesting exploration of erogenous zones, which may have an unintended orgasm! 

  • Tease your partner by licking, tickling and kissing them all over their body. 
  • Avoid touching their genitals, vagina, clitoris or anus! Stick to other zones like their feet, neck, inner thighs, lower back, or forearms and hands. With consent or consensual “non consent,” you can tie up your submissive for an added bonus if you know what you are doing!
  • You can use your hands, tongue, or a toy super close to their genitals, and then move it away to another, less sensitive area. 

 

Forced Orgasm

This is a complete 180, and keeping in mind that everything is done in a consensual context it can still seem a little strange on paper- and so much fun in practice! Forced orgasm is pretty self explanatory- you make someone orgasm who “doesn’t want to” or make them orgasm many times or much stronger than they think they can handle. Safe words are a must! 

  • Acting out a scenario and making your partner orgasm “against their will” can be inexplicably hot and safe! 
  • Practice compassionate aftercare after these scenarios, and use a safe word. 
  • Make sure your partner respects this immediately. 
  • Like when you’re being tickled and you want it to stop but someone keeps going? 
  • This can be a great exercise if you are wanting to try squirting or g-spot orgasms. 
  • Have a safeword. Challenge your partner by continuing to stimulate them as they orgasm. Meaning, keep going no matter how much they squirm. provided they don’t use the safe word of course). This can result in some intense orgasms that are almost unbearable and may result in some extra surprises! 

 

Ready to Try?

Female orgasm denial often involves tension and release, control and submission, and pleasure and pain. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Unleash Your Passion with Tie Up Sex Techniques

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Unleash Your Passion with Tie Up Sex Techniques

 

Tie up sex techniques for individuals and couples.

Consenting adults – learn about tie up sex techniques, why people enjoy tied up sex, what techniques are helpful while you tie up someone.

We can help you due to years of experience in how to tie up ourselves and others with techniques!

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Watch now! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, PornHub, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, Playboy, Maxim, Daily Mail, HeadSpace, and more!

 

GET THE INNER ASPECTS FOR INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES!

https://forqgg79.pages.infusionsoft.net/ ←HERE

 

 

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

why do marriages fail

Why Do Marriages Fail During Covid?

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Why Do Marriages Fail During Covid?

 

We are here to answer “why do marriages fail,” especially for those of you getting divorced during coronavirus. 

During COVID, many marriages have remained in close quarters with limited interaction with others. As a couple’s therapist, I have seen many couples and/or relationships struggling due to quarantine, and I am here to answer why do marriages fail and why are so many couples struggling during this time?

Most marriages and couples have not had to spend this much time with each other ever or since they were in the beginning stages of their relationship when hormones 

Why Do Marriages Fail

were raging.

Generally why marriages fail is due to a struggle in: 

  • Communication
  • Sex
  • Finances
  • Parenting
  • Differences in political beliefs
  • Expectations about the future or priorities

During COVID, why marriages fail and couples struggle is because these categories (communication, sex, finances, etc) have become exacerbated.

As with many things, why marriages fail boils down to communication. If couples were not communicating well before the pandemic, it is more than likely that that has not improved due to:

  • Increased time together
  • Increased stress
  • Limited outside contact with others
  • Limited ability to be outside the home and/or living area
  • Limited ability to see one another if they do not live together
  • Changes in work expectations
  • Telecommuting or helping kids complete school work
  • Lack of privacy
  • Conflict with other close relationships

 

What Can Couples Do?

First of all, changing the language from “failing” to “struggling” or “not working out.” When we focus on failure it does not help. 

Generally speaking, couples should work together to identify if they have the willingness to try to work on the relationship or end the relationship (ideally with a conscious completion). If both partners are willing to try to work through these struggles or difficulties it is usually enlist a third party to help (professional) whether that’s a therapist, coach, or religious member who provides counseling.

Within COVID (and also generally), boundaries are paramount. Being able to have boundaries around work, the relationship, family time, date time, etc. When we do not do this then we set our relationship up to truly have difficulty. Boundaries are helpful and within COVID, these are incredibly important, as there is limited privacy or socialization happening outside the home. 

Why Do Marriages Fail

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION! 

We communicate even when we do not intend to, which means both verbal and nonverbal. We do a whole lot of communication, so if you are communicating with your partner(s) then you may want to consider doing it most effectively. 

This is something that can be coached in sessions with therapists and coaches and finding strong resources. 

For those of you who are here to answer “why do marriages fail,” especially during coronavirus, I hope you have gotten some useful information.

I would recommend reading other blogs written in LCAT, reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg, and The Gottman Institutes resource as they focus on conflict and communication in relationships. 

These tips can help and the best thing to do is to work with a professional who can help you guide you in this process or work collaboratively with your partner to have a conscious completion (intentional, collaborative end to the relationship).

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

couple sex

Couples Sex is Unique!

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Couples Sex is Unique!

 

Couples sex is unique to each partnership, and often important!

The thing is couples sex varies in your lifetime between you and a partner. 

Couples sex vary by individuals desires, yet we can agree it is often when both individuals are pleased and the relationship is thriving and growing. 

If you’re not in the habit of discussing couples sex, why not give it a try? 

For couples sex enhancements… continue reading! 

Step 1: Go to google drive, and start a shared drive with your partner(s)! 

There’s something magical about writing down your hopes and fantasies. 

They tend to come true! 

 

Step 2: Plan Ahead! 

  • Plan a weekly date night – for sex! 
  • Plan another night for talking about maintenance conversations
    • What do we have to buy? 
    • Is something broken in the house? 
    • Bills? Changes? Requests? 

 

Step 3: Work on yourself because growing is attractive! 

  • Experience vulnerability – a major component in intimacy. 
  • Learn about your own body and pleasure in solo sex!

 

Step 4: Support your partner by using reflective listening!

  • What I think I hear you saying is _____. Is that close?

 

Step 5: Don’t blame your partner! 

  • Couples sex is better when we as a couple are co creating with the world. 
  • We are not in charge of the world… yet we get to be in charge of what we say, think, and even prune and develop. 

 

If nothing else, use your imagination and fantasies you would like to try to make new couples sex experiences. Ask yourself: does my inner _____ (Stripper) really vibe with your inner _____ (Romantic). 

Maybe… or maybe not. 

It is good to know that those two are not going to enjoy showing up together in life or in the bedroom. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Questions for Couples

Questions for Couples Who Never Apologize

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Questions for Couples Who Never Apologize

 

If you’re in a relationship and can’t ever seem to apologize, or have a partner who won’t, there are some questions for couples that you can explore to get to the root of the issue. 

It can be incredibly difficult to apologize if you’ve done something wrong, and sometimes it can feel like a sign of weakness. These questions for couples who never apologize should help you and your partner navigate the complications around apologizing and help you open up more loving communication. 

 

Why Is There Tension Around Apologizing?

This is one of the most important questions for couples who struggle to apologize. Until the “why” is addressed, it can be very difficult to move forward.

Open communication around how we hurt one another takes a lot of vulnerability, humility and bravery. It means putting aside pride, being open minded and letting go of being “right”. 

So ask yourself: why can’t I apologize? Were you discouraged from apologizing as a kid? Did you grow up in a household that didn’t value apologies? Do you feel shame and weakness around admitting you’re wrong? 

As a couple or as individuals, it can be beneficial to consult a therapist to help unravel what is blocking you from moving forward in a more open, communicative and humble way as a couple. 

In the meantime, there are many questions for couples struggling with apologies that can get the conversation going. 

 

Can you acknowledge your partner’s positive traits?

When you are seeking an apology, you can’t just demand one! So, start by acknowledging the positive traits of your partner.

When you are not in the heat of an argument, and want to broach the subject of deserving an apology, sit down with your partner and begin the conversation with the things you value most about them.

Explain why you are grateful for their partnership: perhaps they are supportive of your career, or are incredibly affectionate, or are a wonderful parent. Tell them you love them. 

This opens the conversation from a place of love and gratitude rather than blame and hurt. If your partner tends to become defensive in disagreements, this can help them take their guard down. It signals that the conversation isn’t about criticizing them or blaming them for everything bad in the relationship. 

Questions for Couples

 

Can You Hold Each Other Accountable?

The conversation can get a little more delicate at this point. It will require you to be humble and open, and accept responsibility for your half of the problem. Accountability for the way you respond to your partner, and accountability for telling them how you truly feel. 

Keep the conversation about how their actions (or inactions) make you feel: don’t attach intent to their actions. Something like “When you do X I feel Y” or “When you said X it made me feel like I’m Y”. 

It isn’t constructive to attach assumptions or interpret their intentions. Saying things like “You said that to make me feel stupid” comes from a place of blame, whereas “When you said that, it made me feel like my intelligence is undervalued” keeps the focus on your reaction. 

A lot of times, this is when someone will apologize. It surely wasn’t their intent to make you feel that way, and they may explain what their intentions were. 

If you are the person who has trouble apologizing, ask yourself: how can I speak to my partner in a way that makes my intentions clear without belittling them? Can I own my 50% and be humble enough to apologize for hurting their feelings or letting them down? 

 

Can You Conclude With An Apology?

If for some reason you have trouble saying “I’m sorry”, there are ways to apologize with different language. 

By acknowledging that what you did was hurtful or wrong and stating why it was hurtful or wrong will be a great foundation for forgiveness. Acknowledging the “why” informs your partner that you understand where they are coming from and will be able to recognize how to fix it. 

If you are the one seeking an apology, conclude with “what comes up for you when I say this?” Your partner may need time to process what you have told them. After all, they may not have been aware that they even hurt you! 

This question opens the floor for them to comment on their feelings, clarify their intentions and acknowledge that they have hurt you. 

There is a possibility that they will become defensive or feel embarrassed. This is not unexpected, and they may just need time to go and figure out what they are feeling and what they want to do. 

Questions for Couples

 

When Is It Time To Let Go?

Is it ever okay to let go without an apology? Yes! If your partner has shown changes in their behavior, or it doesn’t matter to you, or they’ve made it up to you in other ways this can be fine. 

It isn’t okay if they continuously accuse you of “making it up” or continue the hurtful behaviors. 

Gaslighting and belittling are not okay, and if they are unwilling to change or communicate, it may be time to move forward without them. 

Forgiveness is a personal choice, and you are never obligated to forgive someone for a major betrayal or breach of trust. Forgiveness does however help you minimize the hurt and grow from the experience, and keeps you from wallowing in bitterness and resentment. 

Forgiveness isn’t easy, and apologizing isn’t easy either! If this is a recurring issue for you, consider these questions for couples who can’t apologize and consult with a therapist to help you move forward- ideally together! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Edging orgasm

Do you want to have a better Edging Orgasm?

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Do you want to have a better Edging Orgasm?

 

So you want to have an edging orgasm? I have created 7 Steps to get an Edging Orgasm for consenting adults!

I’m so glad that you are interested in joining the world of solo sex and pleasure.

In this video, I’ll teach you how to have an edging orgasm, walk you through steps to get an edging orgasm, and at the end, you will understand the difference between edging orgasm and a regular orgasm, even if you have some experience with pleasure.

In no time, you’ll have my edging orgasm activity to use for your pleasure. Use it for yourself or for a partner!

My tips will hopefully break through months of stuckness and will surely enlighten you on how to create a more adventurous and pleasure-focused sex life for you and your partner(s)!

 

 

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

what does queer mean?

What does Queer Mean?

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what does queer mean?

What Does Queer Mean? LCAT founder Amanda Pasciucco and therapist Nicole Scrivano were interviewed by Cosmopolitan Magazine to help explain its meaning.

Written by  and CARINA HSIEH

What does queer mean?

Queerness is an umbrella term that is both an orientation and a community for those on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Is the word ‘queer’ an insult?

While you might’ve heard the word used as an insult, the term “queer” has recently been reclaimed by the community to be empowering and create a sense of community, rather than deragatory, says Amanda Pasciucco, AASECT certified sex therapist.

Who falls under the “queer” umbrella?

To Pasciucco, queerness encompasses an intersection of identities. She adds that the term queer indicates an “individual who self-identifies as either Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (also sometimes called “questioning”), intersex, and or asexual, aka the LGBTQIA+ community. For Pasciucco herself, she also utilizes the + sign when referring to the queer community, to indicate pangender or pansexual individuals, and even those in alternative relationship communities, such as polyamory, kink, or non-monogamy.

However, the definition of queerness also varies depending on who you ask. As Pasciucco explains herself, “To be clear, as a person who is mostly in other sex relationships, not all individuals who identify as queer believe that people like me, or people in the plus, ought to be included in the community.” The word queer is intentionally vague (more on that below) and with such vagueness also comes different interpretations.

Is “queer” a sexual identity or a gender identity or can it be both?

Queerness is more nuanced than a sexual identity or gender identity, says Pasciucco, who adds that it’s dynamic and a fluid movement, “beyond the binary of cisgender and hetereonormativity.” Queerness is intersectional! As Nicole Scrivano, one of Pasciucco’s colleagues and an LMFT, explained in a blog post:

“as queer women, we come in a variety of forms, identities, and belief systems. Some of these identities are within sexuality identities of bisexual, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. Some of these identities are within gender: transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, femme, genderflexible, etc. Relational identities such as monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, open, etc. Queer women are on a spectrum of gender and sexual fluidity.”

READ NICOLE’S ENTIRE BLOG ON QUEER WOMEN

To help clarify the definition of queer some more, here’s a firsthand account from writer Sophie Saint Thomas on identifying as queer and more about the word:

“I’m queer,” I told my Tinder match, who was an extremely hot straight dude. When that confused him, I added, “…and bisexual.” I date people of all genders, but my queer identity is so much more than a label to clarify who I date and have sex with. He seemed relieved to know that sex with him was still on the table and that queer wasn’t a synonym for gay, which, even in 2019, can still confuse the best of us.

Queer is a word that clarifies that I’m not straight and ties me to the larger queer community, but it doesn’t categorize me as gay. The vagueness of the term is intentional— queer is an identity created for anyone outside of the heterosexual norm and meant to be inclusive and create a sense of acceptance. But what, exactly, does it mean to be queer? Could you be queer? To clarify what the term means, Cosmo spoke with Kelly Wise, PhD, a queer sex therapist, about how queer evolved from a gay slur to an encompassing—and even welcoming—word used by folks all across the LGBTQ spectrum (and, controversially, even some straight folks too).

Queer is an umbrella term

Language evolves with society, often due to the brute force and fierceness of those who wish to see change. Such is the case for queer, a term predominantly used by the LGBTQ community to stake a contrast from mainstream, heteronormative society. “When I think about ‘queer,’ I just think ‘different,’” Wise says.

While all labels used to describe one’s sexual orientation are unique to the individual, unlike homosexual (an attraction to the opposite gender), queer is an umbrella term that can be used by anyone under the LGBTQ spectrum. Queer conveys both an orientation and a sense of community.

“The community aspect states, ‘Because we’re all different, we can celebrate our differences. I can accept you for who you are, and there’s power in numbers,’” Wise says. “There’s an aspect to it that doesn’t allow for isolation.” Some folks who fall somewhere in the middle of the sexual orientation spectrum will describe themselves as queer rather than bisexual (attraction to both your own gender and genders other than your own) or pansexual (attraction regardless of gender). Others will use both and introduce themselves as “bisexual and queer,” for instance. The term queer is also used by those whose gender does not fall on the binary.

Say it with pride

The celebration and use of the word queer is one of reclamation. Not too long ago, queer was still used as a slur. “Back in the day, definitely when I was growing up, the word ‘queer’ was a derogatory term,” Wise says. “The reclamation of the word is like, ‘This is who I am. We don’t need to be like everyone else; let’s celebrate our differences, and don’t try to put me in any sort of box of who you need me to be because I’ll continuously try to break down the boxes.” It is worth noting that while the word queer is generally celebrated, some LGBTQ folks still prefer to avoid it due to its discriminatory history.

Despite the progress, the word queer isn’t without controversy—some people within polyamorous or kink communities identify as “queer” even if they enjoy solely heterosexual relationships. “Just because it’s one penis and one vagina, that doesn’t mean that there’s not some queer aspect of you,” Wise says.

While some agree that polyamorous sexualities count as “different” (and therefore “queer”) others feel that for a straight, poly person to describe themselves as queer is piggy-backing on decades of LGBTQ activism to gain fundamental rights and celebrate their identities. But to keep it simple, if someone describes themselves as queer, it’s quite often because their sexual orientation and/or gender falls under the LGBTQ umbrella, rather than the heterosexual norm. There are as many ways to identify as queer as there are people who do so—so if you feel you may be queer and want to own that, go forth with pride.

 

Read the full article to learn more about what queer means.