Why Am I Depressed?

Why Am I Depressed?

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Why Am I Depressed?

 

If you have been asking yourself “why am I depressed?” you should know that with all of the curveballs 2020 has thrown at us, you are definitely not alone! 

When you ask yourself “why am I depressed?”, that is a strong sign that it is time to seek professional help from a therapist. Luckily, telehealth therapy during COVID19 has made access to counseling easier for individuals who need it. 

Don’t blame yourself if you are feeling depressed: you are not lazy, you are not a failure, and there is nothing “broken” about you that can’t be rebuilt. Let’s take a look at some reasons why you might be feeling depressed. 

 

The Pandemic

The pandemic has been a trigger for many circumstances that can cause depression. 

  • Isolation: if you are unable to see anyone in your social circle or family because they do not live with you, this quarantine will have been especially difficult. Feeling isolated from those you love can increase feelings of depression, and can make you feel far away from any support systems you had in place. 
  • The death toll: the COVID19 virus has resulted in a huge loss of life, and it is a sobering and depressing thought. Grief, fear, pessimism and rage may be some of the feelings you are experiencing around the sheer numbers of those affected by the virus. 
  • The nature of the news cycle: while it is important to stay informed, the news cycle can wreak havoc on your mental health. The constant changes, the bombardment of bad news and zero focus on positive stories can paint a bleak picture and make you feel hopeless. 
  • Losing your job: many businesses large and small have had to furlough their workforce or lay them off, or they’ve gone out of business entirely. If you have lost your job, you aren’t just losing income, you are potentially losing security, opportunities, plans and feel like your ability to survive and provide is at risk. You may also feel unimportant if you were laid off and other staff weren’t, or like your sense of self is pretty shaky when you aren’t working. 
  • Losing a loved one: grief is a natural response to the death of a loved one, and the circumstances around deaths by any cause during the pandemic have made it difficult to have closure. The inability to mourn with loved ones or pay respects at funerals or the inability to hold your loved one’s hand as they pass can be difficult to process. 
  • Cancelling plans: if you had a wedding, event or special trip that was meaningful it can be devastating to cancel plans. Non refundable deposits or constant rescheduling can make you feel stressed and depressed.Why Am I Depressed?

 

Physical Factors 

If you have been ill it can be a trigger for depression, either physically or due to having a new, foreign relationship with your body and its limitations. 

If you have gained or lost weight you may be feeling depressed based on how you perceive yourself and how your body has changed in quarantine. 

There are hormonal and neurochemical factors that can trigger depression in some individuals. These factors can be controlled with medication and therapy, so it is important to seek help if you are feeling off. 

 

World Events

On top of the immediate effects of the pandemic, there have been many world events that may make you feel depressed. 

  • Racial injustice: feeling like your life doesn’t have value because of the color of your skin or feeling helpless to change the injustices of the world. Viewing disturbing footage of violence, protests and riots, wanting to attend protests but can’t for health reasons. Feeling guilty about past or present actions.  
  • The election: no matter which party you plan to vote for, the constant rhetoric and worries about trying to get your vote counted and in on time can be overwhelming. Feeling like the world hangs in the balance if your candidate does or does not get elected or re-elected, or even just having arguments with family about politics can leave you feeling isolated, frustrated and sad. 
  • International tensions: China, Russia, Iran, sanctions, threats, Armenia, the explosions in Beirut, the mass shooting in Canada, the violence happening in Nigeria- the world has been a very busy place and it is easy to feel helpless. Why Am I Depressed?

 

What Should I Do?

It can be tempting to try to battle depression on your own and without outside intervention, however you deserve to have guidance and support! 

If you are feeling depressed to the point of suicidal, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can put you in touch with someone immediately by calling 1-800-273-8255, or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. 

If you are feeling depressed and you are not in immediate danger, book an appointment with a therapist. They can assess you and help you create a plan to tackle depression, and can refer you to other mental health professionals if needed. Finding a therapist is more convenient and accessible than ever as most are offering telehealth options. You can even find a therapist outside of your own state! 

By asking yourself “why am I depressed?” you have already taken an important first step, so take some time to care for yourself and open up to a loved one and a professional. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Post Election Stress and Using Compassionate Communication

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Post Election Stress and Using Compassionate Communication 

 

If you haven’t read part 1 of our post election stress series, please click here. 

Post election stress is here to stay as we transition administrations. 

In the meantime, we will give you our specific examples on how to communicate during this time. 

 

Use Compassionate and Non Violent Communication

If you work with me or others at our practice, you have probably heard about Non-Violent (or Compassionate) Communication (NVC). If you have not, look it up! 

Great resources on ways to learn to communicate differently and in a way that our culture has not done a great job developing. Marshall Rosenberg wrote books on it and there is a website. 

The premise of NVC is to be able to communicate more compassionately, kindly, and effectively. 

This is recommended in being able to take accountability for our role, acknowledge our feelings, be respectful, and set boundaries or make requests. 

So the “I feel ______________ when (insert experience or concern of behavior) and am wondering if you would be willing to ______________ (needs, boundary or request).” 

post election stress

Using NVC focuses on using “I statements” to reduce blame, acknowledge our role, and build ways to understand through identifying our own needs. 

This helps us communicate with those around us and be able to slow conversations down through engaging in validation and reflective listening. 

Again, this is NOT about agreeing with someone, it is about being able to sit in discomfort and still hear another person.

Does this mean that if someone is sharing something harmful and is continuing to cause harm that I keep having the conversation or the relationship? NO. 

If you are in a conversation and you are doing suggestions from Part 1 and Part 2 of this blog, and there is a lack of respect, kindness, or compassion – you have a clear right to set a boundary using NVC and remove yourself, if necessary. 

There are times where we do everything we can to facilitate and engage appropriately and it is just not okay for us to continue. This is where you can request space, time, or boundaries around the conversation. 

 

Real Examples of How You Can Apply This:

Some of my clients have set boundaries around not speaking about politics. 

Some have a system in place where they say a code word when things become heated and take 20-30 minutes to de-escalate alone and then return and try to continue the conversation and then rinse and repeat until they get through it. 

Some of my clients set timers and engage in an activity called “active listening” where one person speaks, the other listens, when the speaker is done they validate through reflecting back what the speaker said, then the speaker identifies if they felt heard, then if they do they reverse roles, and if they don’t, then they clarify what they were missing. 

Some of my clients have chosen to stop having relationships indefinitely or for a set amount of time (space) from the relationship. Some have ended relationships completely. 

Whatever you decide to do, I think it is important that you are responding rather than reacting. Responding is thoughtful, conscious choices vs reacting which is acting abruptly or without conscious thought. I usually encourage people to engage in these tips before making such a decision, unless there is an issue of safety or abuse or significant harm being done. 

Unsurprisingly, I also recommend engaging in therapy if that feels right for you, as a way to figure out what you might need so that your decision is indeed coming from a responsive vs. reactive place.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Guide to Surviving Conversations in 2020 Post Election Anxiety

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Guide to Surviving Conversations in 2020 Post Election Anxiety

 

The 2020 post election anxiety has contributed to an incredibly stressful time for many of us. 

As we gear up for the holiday season during COVID, I thought it pertinent to write about ways to communicate about post election anxiety with various individuals around many important topics.

Most of my sessions the last week or two (minimum) have focused predominantly on the election:

  • whether that was the stress of the outcome
  • human rights concerns 
  • communication on different perspectives and opinions with those around them
  • fear of police brutality
  • fear of civil war or violence within communities
  • issues surrounding boundaries. 

Although I could write a whole post about the election itself and the various observations I have, I imagine that it would be more helpful to hear tricks and tips to navigate this rather than to hear me “rant.” 

 

Check yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Most of all, it is important to remember to check your privilege. 

What do I mean by that? 

Well, the more privilege you have, the more difficult it may be for you to relate to someone who has a different privilege status (i.e a different set of barriers). 

For instance if you are a white, cisgender, middle class, heterosexual woman, you have a different level of privilege compared to someone who is a multiracial, transgender man who lives pay check to pay check. 

I share this because for people of various communities, there were significant policy and human rights issues on the line. 

So if you are coming from different privilege spaces it’s important for you to notice if safety was on the ballot for you this year. 

Safety can look like the right to marry, the right to walk on the street, financial security, health care, rights over your body, etc. 

There are many examples, and these are just BRIEF examples of what that might look like.

I share this because so many of my clients have shared either struggling to understand some levels of reactivity from certain people in their lives or the lack of understanding and compassion. 

One of the main issues I have seen are clients feeling like people are not understanding the level of safety and harm that can be done with specific policies. 

So please be aware that recognizing your privilege in conversations is important. 

 

Take a Deep Breath… Slow Down!

In heated conversations it is important to to take a deep breath and I tell many of my clients “slow the F*** down.” 

I say this because when we are not breathing, we are literally unable to hear or speak in a way that is effective or productive. 

Our body literally starts to go into survival mode which depending on our lived experience can throw us into what I like to call a “trauma tornado” or get you a “ticket on the trauma train” which is my silly way of saying a “trauma spiral.” 

Breathing is so important. So just breathe. Post Election Anxiety

Slow down. 

Take a breathe (inhale) for 1….2….3….4. 

And hold it for 1….2….3….4. 

Then exhale breath for 1….2….3….4. 

Then hold for 1….2….3….4. 

If you practice this daily, it will help you have more control over your body and breath, and thus, it will allow you to engage in the moment in diaphragmatic breathing. 

In my experience (personally and professionally), when we do not do this we lose our ability to remain in the conversation and be within our integrity. 

 

Seek to Understand Rather than Be Understood

This one is a little bit complicated and nuanced as the first one was. 

Seek to understand means to ask questions and use curiosity. 

If you are in a curious space, you are able to be in a space of learning which puts your brain in a different focus and allows you to try to understand (not agree) with whomever you are speaking with. 

When we seek to understand, people can feel less defensive or critical.

When people are in a defensive or critical position we are leaning into an argument style of communication or what will likely be an ineffective conversation. 

When we seek to understand, we seek to collaborate with who we are working with, rather than convincing someone. 

So often in therapy, I watch people act as if I am the judge and they are in front of me and each other to convince the other that they are right. 

When we are focused on being right rather than understanding no one “wins.” And again if we are focused on “being right” or “winning” the argument that is not about connection or compassion that is about disconnection, shame, and/or rejection. Also, if we are focused on winning or only being understood… that is not usually helpful or productive.

Validation. It’s a buzz word in our culture and in therapy. And this is a BIG part of seeking to understand rather than be understood. Validation is about hearing the other person NOT AGREEING. 

Let’s say that again for those in the back…

Validation is about hearing and understanding someone’s perspective. NOT AGREEING.

So validating someone’s perspective is not agreeing with their point of view. At.All. It is about showing the person that you were listening and not just in your head thinking about a response (Guilty! I have done that… not my best strategy!). Validation is reflecting back to someone what they said in order to show that you are listening… or seeking to understand them.

The reason these things are important is because it allows the conversation the best opportunity and chance to not end in an explosion.

If you are still with us and want to learn more, stay tuned for our Friday download about how to communicate when you have post election stress.

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Love Addiction

How to Know if You Have a Love Addiction

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How to Know if You Have a Love Addiction

 

We all love the thrill of a new relationship; however, if that is the feeling you cling to for the entirety of every relationship only to have it end in heartbreak, it is likely that you have a love addiction.

A love addiction can be sabotaging your relationships and ultimately your happiness within relationships. It is also tricky to recognize because relationships are so romanticized in the media: if you’re not madly, passionately in love all the time and for years on end,  the relationship is a failure. 

The reality is, relationships ebb and flow and while some do not make it past the honeymoon phase anyway, truly healthy relationships are built on trust, companionship, shared values and of course some attraction

 

What is Love Addiction?

A love addiction is the chronic, obsessive pursuit of romantic love. Healthy relationships don’t stay in the “honeymoon” phase forever, so if you are constantly chasing that feeling from relationship to relationship you may have a love addiction. 

It consists of behaviors that end up affecting you and your partner negatively, and can mean you have a tough time letting go of the fantasy of a relationship when the reality sets in. 

 

Is Love Addiction Real?

Love addiction is not a recognized disorder by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). However, the DSM-5 lists 11 criteria for substance addictions that can be applied to understanding and treating a process addiction or negative behavior pattern like love addiction. 

To be diagnosed with a substance addiction, you only need to have two of the eleven criteria. Not all of them apply to love addiction, so here are the top three that indicate there may be an addictive element in play:

  • An ongoing (6+ months) preoccupation/ obsession with romantic fantasies and new relationships
  • No self control over romantic fantasies and new relationships
  • Negative consequences from these out of control fantasies

So while not technically recognized as an “addiction” in the DSM-5, it is a pattern of behavior that can be harmful and hurtful and prevent you from enjoying fulfilling, healthy relationships. This is why it is always worth seeking help to overcome love addiction. 

 

What’s So Wrong About Being Romantic?

Romance is an exciting and essential element of courtship and attraction. There is even a physiological explanation for those butterflies you feel when around your new crush!

A neurochemical rush floods your system when your new partner is in sight (or in mind) and when you touch. The evolutionary necessity of this is to provide a temporary fierce attraction while two humans build a real relationship, getting to know each other and build a foundation of trust and intimacy. Ideally once the honeymoon phase ceases, this foundation is set and the relationship can progress. 

The difficulty arises when you associate those rushes/butterflies and romance with the substance of a relationship, or the idea of being in a relationship. Once they fade, you’re either no longer interested or you feel like the relationship is failing when it is naturally progressing in many ways. 

Failing to move beyond seeking that rush can leave you lonely, heartbroken, and stuck in a pattern where you don’t open up for real intimacy and connection because you’re always chasing the rush of romance. 

This of course doesn’t mean long term relationships should be devoid of romance! It merely means that the definition and spontaneity of it may shift. Sharing common values, learning and acting upon each other’s love languages, making your partner feel appreciated and special are all romantic and I definitely encourage romance! You can’t put on delicious whipped frosting without a cake first, and if you’re always chasing frosting you’ll be left hungry! 

 

Signs of Love Addiction

So, what are some of the signs of a love addiction?

  • Confusing sexual and romantic intensity with true intimacy
  • Skipping out on commitments, friends and family for your relationships
  • A wandering eye that seeks new, exciting relationships while you’re still in a monogamous relationship
  • Feeling alone, desperate and unworthy when not in a relationship
  • Defining yourself by your relationships
  • Always changing yourself to keep partners/fear of being dumped if you’re yourself
  • Relying on romantic/sexual intensity to escape your problems/find comfort

Love Addiction

 

Love Addiction and Codependency 

If you’re familiar with codependency, a lot of these signs may seem vaguely familiar. In fact, it could be argued that while not all codependents are love addicts, all love addicts are codependent. 

Codependency is in simplest terms the inability to decipher where you and the person you are codependent with ends. 

You may do everything in their best interest, even at expense of your own needs and wants. 

You may find it difficult to establish healthy boundaries in the relationship for fear of rejection or loneliness. 

It can create a one sided dynamic in a relationship (this can include family and friends), and can create a pattern of dysfunction where both sides of the relationship play a fixed role: one person could be a martyr who needs the validation of caring for someone else, perhaps the other is an enabler of these behaviors etc. 

 

Can I Change? 

Love addiction is a compulsion that can be tamed, though it is important to recognize what seemingly normal comments and behaviors are actually love addiction rearing its head. 

The truth is, the pattern is the issue, not the people you date. Sure, they weren’t perfect, however you must focus on yourself and your behaviors in order to end the cycle of heartbreaking short term romances in exchange for meaningful connections and intimacy. 

Working with a therapist is essential for establishing new patterns and behaviors that are healthy and constructive. Well meaning friends will try to give advice and can be a good shoulder to cry on, though they are biased and will likely agree with all of your assessments of the situation as a sign of support. 

A therapist is a non partial party who knows that the larger goal is more important: ending your love addiction and creating relationship patterns that are healthy and fulfilling. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

I hate my body

I Hate My Body

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I Hate My Body

 

Have you ever said I hate my body? 

If you have, I have a question on how many companies profit from you hating yourself. Not to say that is negative. I hate my body

Just wondering if you are aware that any I hate my body statements may be fueled by the messages you consume on a daily basis! 

I hate to break it to you, yet our political, media, justice and even educational systems are often corrupted by money and / or power. Power dynamics are literally everywhere. 

Notice them. Notice who benefits by you saying “I hate my body.”

Body image is perceived as important, especially in Western Capitalistic cultures (Botta, 2003). 

Numerous studies have associated body image with sexual satisfaction (Lowery, 2005; Yamamiya et al, 2006; Sanchez, 2007; Weaver & Byers, 2007).  The way you perceive your body has something to do with the way you experience pleasure.

If you are hating your body all the time, I wonder how that affects your sexuality? 

If your sex life is less than adequate, let’s turn your focus around! 

Instead of focusing on how much you hate the body… let’s try something else. 

 

Show your body love by: 

    • Radical self care to ensuring that I meditate
    • Slowing my brain down by writing
    • Exercise and meal choices
    • Watching a sunrise or sunset

 

Practical ways:

  • Touch your throat and feel your hands
  • Tap on your heart chakra (the same latitude as the heart, yet in the center)
  • Massage the base of your skull, at your hairline
  • Explore the types of pleasure on a part of the body that isn’t sexualized
  • Breathe in through your nose
  • Breathe out through your mouth
  • Putting bare feet on the dirt or grass
  • Laying in clean sheets without clothing on
  • Replace I hate my body with I love my body! 
  • Look at yourself in the mirror and smile daily
  • Pull on your earlobes
  • Exploring your face with your hands and fingertips
  • Open your mouth and relax your jaw 
  • Notice if your shoulders are tense and relax them

 

Get our pleasure practice eguide if you want to understand how to love your body more and integrate it with your pleasure! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

High Functioning Anxiety

All Your Questions About High Functioning Anxiety

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All Your Questions About High Functioning Anxiety

 

Did you know that high functioning anxiety isn’t officially a diagnosable condition? This is because it can be so subtle, and yet not as debilitating as anxiety disorders. As such, there is very little research on the subject compared to general anxiety disorders.

High functioning anxiety is also different from diagnosed anxiety disorders because there is very little acute biological response. Their palms aren’t getting sweaty, no significant increase in heart rate, no dizziness, and yet the chronic stress can definitely make a physical impact through lack of sleep and overworking. 

High functioning anxiety refers to the fact that people with this condition usually appear outwardly successful, calm or put together, though inside they are suffering. They are “functioning” at a “high level” despite how they feel inside.

 

What Does It Look Like?

To someone on the outside, people with high functioning anxiety are hyper successful, driven and organized. They may be perceived as being stoic or unemotional, even cold, or abrupt. On the flipside, they can be very outgoing and passionate about what they do. 

When people have diagnosed anxiety disorders, they are frozen by fear. This is the more typical media representation of anxiety. People who can’t leave their homes because they are so afraid, or break down and have panic attacks when triggered, or who even need medication in order to cope with day to day life. 

The high achievement, organization and attention to detail with the elusive high functioning anxiety makes it hard to see that anything is wrong at all. In fact, the high functioning anxiety sufferer may appear to be thriving. 

 

What Does It Feel Like?

For the person dealing with high functioning anxiety, it’s a different story. On the inside, they feel a constant churning of anxiety, usually related to feelings of perfectionism, overthinking and need for approval. 

  • Fear of failure
  • Need to be liked
  • Need for approval
  • Rumination, racing thoughts
  • Obsession over the most minor details
  • Unwilling to be vulnerable, a fear of vulnerability
  • Fear of seeming stupid or uneducated
  • Inability to enjoy the present moment
  • Insomnia

 

What Causes Anxiety?

Even with diagnosable anxiety disorders, uncovering the cause can be a long, mysterious process. Sometimes, there may not even be an obvious cause, rather a complex synergy of many factors. 

Factors could be environmental, genetic, the result of a trauma or brain injury: there are so many potential factors even for diagnosable anxiety disorders, so the elusiveness of high functioning anxiety is even tougher to pin down. It may be possible to identify triggers for your anxiety, even if you never uncover how it began in the first place. 

 

The Downside of High Functioning Anxiety

High functioning anxiety can have numerous adverse effects in your life and on your health. Including:

  • Sleep deprivation
  • Chronic stress
  • You may avoid eye contact
  • You may be a people pleaser 
  • A cycle of procrastination
  • The inability to say “no” even when you’re too busy or overwhelmed
  • Loyal to a fault
  • Never go beyond your comfort zone
  • Never show your feelings
  • May think your feelings are normal and never seek help because outwardly you’re successful
  • Living a life of denial, simply labeling yourself as a “workaholic” or “list-maker”
  • A reliance on substances to cope, such as alcohol, weed, caffeine or sleeping pills.

 

The Benefits of High Functioning Anxiety

Having high functioning anxiety isn’t all doom and gloo m however. Many studies have proven that those with a livable amount of anxiety are more driven, more organized and even have less accidents causing injury. Other benefits include:

  • Punctuality
  • Outgoing
  • Detail oriented
  • Helpful
  • Loyal
  • A good leader
  • A person of action
  • Focused 
  • Incredibly driven
  • More successful than non anxious peers

While these are all excellent qualities that clearly great for achieving success in your career and following your dreams, there are ways to find a healthier balance so you don’t have to put up with the negative aspects of your high functioning anxiety. 

 

How to Cope

It is worth noting that even if you feel like you have an undiagnosable condition like high functioning anxiety, if you feel overwhelmed or need help figuring out how to make your life easier you should seek out a therapist. 

We’re not just for crises, we can help you overcome anxiety, depression, and anything that is making life difficult by giving you the tools for coping and thriving. 

Some steps you can begin to take on your own include meditation to encourage stillness and stopping the cycle of rumination. 

Channeling anxious energy through exercise can be helpful, and avoiding caffeine may help with insomnia and feelings of anxiety. 

Proper sleep hygiene can increase your quality of life drastically. This means taking time to wind down at the end of the day, avoiding caffeine after lunch and no screen time an hour or two before bed. Try reading a fiction book, soothing yoga or sleep meditations to prepare your mind for rest. If you find you can’t fall asleep, try leaving your bedroom and reading somewhere else until tired again. 

 

If It Isn’t a Real Disorder, Is It All In My Head?

When your thoughts, habits and behaviors are impacting your quality of life negatively, then it doesn’t matter if there is an official definition or diagnosis. Something can still be done, and there is no need to suffer that deeply for success. 

 

Can a Therapist Still Help Me? 

Therapists don’t just deal with diagnoses, we help you uncover the root of your high functioning anxiety and build a plan for coping with it to make your life as enjoyable as possible. We can help you harness the positive benefits of high functioning anxiety and minimize the negative aspects in a healthy way. 

If you think you are living with high functioning anxiety, know that you don’t need to struggle and can find help! It may be hard to admit you need help or aren’t “fine”, and overcoming your high functioning anxiety will certainly be worth it! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Gender Non-Conforming

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

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Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative individuals are people whose gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female within our society. 

You may wonder what is gender non-conforming or what does it mean when people are gender creative? 

In our society, we commonly categorize individuals as male or female. 

Therefore, those people who identify themselves as either side of the binary are expected to conform to a particular style and behavior. 

Someone who identifies as female is expected to wear “feminine” clothing such as dresses, leggings, skirts, specific shirts, etc. Females are also assumed to wear makeup, have longer hair, and no facial hair. 

Those who identify themselves as male are expected to wear “masculine” clothing such as sports attire, pants, more solid colors, and usually not bright clothing. These are some of the “rules” that are gender conformity. 

When an individual does not ascribe to these set of rules or engages in shifting gender expressive play (through clothing, makeup, etc), this is breaking gender conformity or the binary. 

Gender non-conforming individuals are those we are focusing on here.

There are a variety of ways people can choose to break gender conformity through the varying ways gender is expressed. 

Some common options are: 

  • Mannerisms
  • Dress and attire
  • Makeup
  • Hair style
  • Accessories 

Individuals who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. 

Some people who identify as non-conforming may present more neutral or androgenous, while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire. 

People who are gender non-conforming or gender creative may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities. 

These identities can include, yet are not limited to:

  • Non-binary
  • Gender queer
  • Gender fluid
  • Gender bending
  • Gender non-conforming
  • Or something else. 

The important thing is learning to understand each person’s identity and not making assumptions about those you meet. 

If you are wanting to learn more about someone’s identity, be sure you are doing it for them and their comfort, rather than for your own needs. This is often a good place to start by knowing your intentions. 

You can also seek therapy or reputable sources who can help support you in learning and understanding. 

It is your own responsibility to learn more rather than anyone in the community teaching you. Seek a professional if you need, that specializes in this area of focus. 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Masturbation Addiction

Do I Have A Masturbation Addiction?

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Do I Have A Masturbation Addiction?

 

Most of us enjoy a little – or a lot of – solo pleasure time and then we may wonder if too much of a good thing is considered a masturbation addiction?

If you’re worried you might have a masturbation addiction, you should probably take a step back and consider a few things first.

Here are some tips to determine if you have a problem – spoiler alert, you likely don’t! The reason I know this is because I have studied sexuality for over a decade at this point. 

 

Masturbation Addiction vs. Compulsive Behavior

First thing’s first: masturbation addiction and sex addiction are not considered to be true addictions by all AASECT Certified Sex Therapists, most yet not all clinical sexologists, and other psychological professional associations.

Frequently, people don’t even feel like they have a problem until they see a magazine article or news story about the “pandemic of sex addiction” or shamed by their partner who read a blog on “masturbation addiction” during covid19.

Remember, statistics are a measurement used to study and quantify human sexuality- falling outside of the “average” doesn’t mean you are gross or sick or wrong!

  • When we see statistics – about ANYTHING – begin to question! 
  • Reflect on who chose to do the study… and then get the actual study and read the “results” section of the study. 
  • I have a Hartford public library card that gives me access to many articles from my home computer.

For those of you who won’t want to further investigate, I will share my thoughts with you on masturbation addiction.

Here are some important considerations when comparing true addiction and compulsive (out of control) behavior:

Masturbation Addiction

Keep in mind, your masturbation habits are almost certainly not an addiction, and are even unlikely to be a compulsion unless you truly feel out of control.

 

Don’t Let Social Stigmas Kill The Mood

Masturbation is healthy and normal human behavior and even has some health benefits. Some people masturbate multiple times a day, some virtually never!

Even in modern societies there is a lot of stigma around anything outside of heteronormative, procreative sexuality, and masturbation is no exception.

Old wives tales about going blind from masturbation or religiously motivated warnings about “spilling/wasting your seed” perpetuate negative feelings around this very common and very human behavior, especially in regard to female and queer sexuality.

Your first question if you are worried about masturbation addiction should be: 

Am I truly experiencing negative consequences from my masturbation, or am I just ashamed because of social conditioning?

As with any behavior, it is only harmful if:

  • It interferes with your goals, career, or day to day obligations. Are you regularly skipping work to wank? Are you frequently flaking on friends to flick the bean? Did you drain your savings to diddle with new dildos?
  • It is negatively affecting sexual relationships. You have nothing left to give your partner, or you often forgo sex with your monogamous partner to masturbate instead. This may be a sign to consider telehealth therapy for you and your partner. 
  • It is causing you physical harm. Are you getting frequent infections or injuries from masturbation that interfere with day to day life? Do you keep masturbating despite painful consequences that don’t bring you any pleasure? 
  • You are preoccupied with masturbation to the point of distraction. Are you unable to focus at work or school without frequent masturbation breaks to cope?
  • You break the law. Are you so compelled to masturbate that you willingly break public decency laws or expose yourself in public?

When you see this list of consequences, it can be easy to understand why some people consider themselves masturbation addicts. What lies behind these behaviors are usually traumas, psychological conditions, and coping mechanisms to deal with stress, anxiety or depression, not a physical dependency on masturbation itself. These are all issues that can be worked through with a sex therapist or psychologist if you truly find your masturbation habits to be self-destructive. 

 

The Health Benefits of Masturbation

If you’re still feeling some shame about masturbation, these benefits may help you see masturbation in a better light!

  • It’s the safest sex around! You can’t get yourself pregnant, and you can’t give yourself a sexually transmitted infection. Just make sure you use clean hands and clean toys!
  • Exploration: masturbation is an excellent way to figure out your likes and dislikes, making partnered sex even more enjoyable. It is also a safe and empowering way to begin reclaiming your sexuality and establishing boundaries after experiencing sexual trauma.
  • Improved Mind/Body Connection: masturbation can help you connect to your body if you are feeling body dysphoria or disconnection.
  • Orgasms: we love orgasms! If you can orgasm, it releases endorphins, which are a natural feel-good chemical.
  • Nature’s painkiller: if you have menstrual cramps or a headache, that same endorphin release can ease muscle tension and increase your pain tolerance!
  • Masturbation as meditation:  the focus it takes to orgasm pushes other petty distractions from your mind, like meditation! This provides great stress relief.
  • Zzz: incorporating masturbation into your nighttime routine can help you sleep better. It can be hard work getting off!
  • Strengthen your pelvic floor: if incontinence is an issue for you or you want to strengthen your pelvic floor after trauma or giving birth, masturbation can be a great tool. In fact, physiotherapists who specialize in pelvic floor rehabilitation often prescribe toys and masturbation as a form of physio exercises. Cool!

 

Masturbation Addiction in Summary

Masturbation addiction is truly in the eye of the beholder, and more likely than not you are letting social stigmas interfere with a perfectly normal sexual habit.

It is normal to masturbate, and people have different libidos and sexual needs- just because you masturbate more than “average” or your partner or friends doesn’t make it an immoral or problematic activity!

Any behavior that is interfering with your life is worth examining with the guidance of a therapist, so if your masturbation habits are truly disrupting your life rather than enhancing it you should book an appointment. Hopefully this has helped open your eyes to the many benefits of enjoying masturbation, and the unlikeliness of having a masturbation addiction!

 

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Telehealth Therapy

Is Telehealth Therapy Right For You?

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Is Telehealth Therapy Right For You?

 

What Is Telehealth Therapy?

Telehealth therapy is kind of an umbrella term that encompasses any remote therapy that uses telecommunications. 

In other words, telehealth therapy means you and your therapist are having sessions via confidential Skype, Zoom, telephone, FaceTime, app services or even via text.

Telehealth therapy has originally been used to provide behavioral therapy for people who live in more remote areas without access to a therapist locally.

Obviously during the COVID19 pandemic telehealth has become a lifeline for many people dealing with mental health issues. Since mental health issues are only bound to increase given the amount of fear, uncertainty and hardships that have accompanied this difficult time, telehealth therapy will only become more prevalent and essential moving forward.

 

How Do I Access Telehealth Therapy?

If you are already working with a therapist, call their office and see what telehealth options they have implemented for their patients. Hopefully, they have already reached out to you about this!

Telehealth Therapy

Depending on your own telecommunication set up, different options may be right for you.

  • Text therapy on your cell phone
  • Online chat
  • Therapy via phone call (landline or cellular)
  • Video conference apps like Zoom, Skype, FaceTime. The privacy and security of these apps vary, so choose one that you are comfortable with. These can be used on your laptop, smartphone or home computer.

There has also been a boom in telehealth therapy services via apps, such as BetterHelp and Talkspace, which will match you with a licensed professional therapist. This is an option if you don’t know where to start or are on a tight budget and need counseling, though the therapists are unable to make any official diagnoses, fulfill court orders or prescribe medications.

 

Is Telehealth Therapy Covered By Insurance?

This will of course depend on your individual insurance provider, so it is worth checking out. Many insurance companies have waived their co-pay or changed their remote telehealth therapy policies temporarily to accommodate COVID19 restrictions.

If you are covered under Medicare, many of the restrictions on your use of telehealth therapy services have been suspended for the duration of the public health emergency.

The use of phones and apps has previously been restricted under the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), so now you can not only have sessions over the phone or internet with your therapist, you can actually select a therapist from any distance, including out of state. Therapy has never been more accessible than now, so hopefully this will continue beyond the pandemic!

 

Who Can Benefit From Telehealth Therapy?

Before the pandemic, telehealth therapy was primarily intended for use in rural areas with little access to mental healthcare professionals. Now, telehealth therapy can help anyone with a phone or internet connection.

Telehealth therapy may be right for you if:

  • You already have an established therapist and want to continue your treatment plan/routine
  • You are experiencing increased anxiety, depression or any relapses of other mental health conditions brought about by the pandemic
  • You are grieving the loss of a loved one, job or major plans such as a cancelled wedding.
  • You are experiencing relationship issues due to stress, job loss, or simply being stuck at home together all day
  • You are having trouble establishing a healthy routine
  • You are struggling with many aspects of working at home, whether this be productivity, loneliness, stress or feeling like it is difficult to turn off “work mode” when the workday is over
  • You have fear and anxiety around getting sick or are unable to leave your home to go for a walk or safely run errands
  • The political climate is giving you fear, anxiety, depression or exhaustion, especially as a person who is racialized
  • You have stress, anxiety and/or depression due to health concerns related to a disability or chronic illness that is affected by COVID19 restrictions/lack of accessibility
  • Your children being home all the time is overwhelming. Your children can also access telehealth therapy if they are struggling to adjust to new routines, can’t sleep, feel scared, miss their friends or are struggling with homeschooling. Therapy can truly be for the entire family.

This is not an exhaustive list, so please know that if you are feeling unable to cope in any way about anything, there is a therapist out there who can help you and they are more accessible than ever.

Telehealth Therapy

What Are The Disadvantages of Telehealth Therapy?

At its core, telehealth therapy depends on certain privileges: a phone, an internet connection, and the means to pay for services whether out of pocket or through insurance.

Accessibility to mental health care is an ongoing issue, and while the pandemic has made it more accessible and affordable, there is still a long way to go for everyone to get the support they need.

Telehealth therapy can be adapted for deaf and blind, but often requires some extra settings (and potential extra costs) to make it accessible.

Telehealth therapy can be less than ideal if patients require a more tactile experience, which can be the case for various reasons.

 

Are There Alternatives To Telehealth Therapy During COVID19?

As some restrictions are lifted, you may find that certain therapists are allowed to open their offices back up. This is dependent on state and local laws, as well as their own level of comfort.

It is important to realize that every person, including your therapist, will have different levels of anxiety and caution when re-opening, and it may not align with your own needs. If you feel really safe and want life to be as normal as possible, you may find it frustrating if your therapist has chosen to keep their office closed and only provide telehealth therapy.

This is their prerogative, and if you truly need in person sessions you should discuss getting a referral to another therapist that is open to in-person appointments, or discuss what your therapist’s reopening plans are for the near future. Telehealth therapy can be as effective as “regular” behavioral therapy, so keep an open mind if possible!

On the other hand, if your therapist has decided they no longer are providing telehealth therapy, it is worth discussing what measures they have in place to ensure your safety and theirs. Maintaining a six foot distance, mutual masking, having hand sanitizer available and frequent cleaning are all preventative measures that can be taken to ensure your safety. If they are unable to accommodate your needs, see if they can recommend a colleague who is still conducting telehealth therapy.

As the pandemic wears on, it is important to practice self care, and that includes therapy! 

It is hard to say how long restrictions will be in place or how long telehealth therapy will be unrestricted, though hopefully the accessibility and convenience of telehealth therapy will prove to be worth keeping beyond this crisis. 

At LCAT our certified therapists are all available to help you and your loved ones, so we encourage you to give our telehealth therapy options a try, whether you prefer video, phone or even text. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

How To Know If You Have Erection Issues

How To Know If You Have Erection Issues

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How To Know If You Have Erection Issues

 

Sex Therapist ANSWERS How to know if you have erection issues! And issues about ejaculation and ejaculate. This will answer your questions.

So, you are here because you want to know how to know if you have erection issues.

You may be asking yourself “How to know if you have erection issues” just like many of our viewers have done! Because  How to know if you have erection issues is so specific, I am going to give you the real talk… 6 TIPS … like a cheat sheet to the answer!

In this video I will answer “How to know if you have erection issues”.

How to know if you have erection issues… answered by a certified sex therapist!

Concerned about your ejaculation?

So are MANY of my clients!

 

Buy Our On-Demand Webinar:

Solutions for Erection and Ejaculation Issues

  • Is your anxiety getting in the way of your sex?
  • Are you performing at optimum levels?
  • Are you struggling with getting physically aroused with your long-term partner?
  • If porn seems to be the only thing that turns you on, it is time to update your performance and pleasure techniques so your mind can control your body.

Through systemic, Tantra sex therapy techniques, you will learn new ways to connect with your partner.

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 AM EST

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Transgenerational Trauma

Transgenerational Trauma

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Transgenerational Trauma

 

TRIGGER WARNING: Transgenerational Trauma and Can Trauma get Passed Down in the DNA? 

There is a new body of research which is talking about how trauma can be passed down generationally (including through biology). 

I first learned about this over the last several years in specializing trauma and noticing that my clients often had parents or caregivers with significant trauma histories. 

I began to do my own informal research through completing genograms (a family tree that indicates relationships, health, etc), having conversations with colleagues, and eventually being led to the research that showed this very phenomenon. 

So… does trauma get passed down in the DNA? 

 

What does Transgenerational Trauma Mean? 

Transgenerational trauma is trauma that is inherited from generation to generation. 

There is no doubt in my mind as a relational and systems therapist that trauma can be inherited. 

From what I know about families and relationships, it is clear that nurture certainly plays a role in how we see ourselves and experience the world and people around us. 

If we were raised in abusive or toxic circumstances, it is clear that as children we would pick up on some of those patterns of behavior and then use those patterns of behavior or “habits” in future relationships in that way as well. 

For example: a child who was raised in a household where their parents engaged in excessive drinking, drug use, and violence would likely be traumatized by that. 

As they grew up, they may learn to engage in some of those same behaviors or strategies to manage emotions or conflict. Say this individual then begins has children and as a parent engages in strategies that engage in emotional numbing and explosions of conflict. 

These behaviors may not be the same exact things as drugs and violence, yet now they are parenting utilizing the same addictive strategies (gambling, eating disorders, drug use, sex, fights, shaming, blaming, etc.), and you can see how the pattern continues as unconsciously as the environment continues to utilize various strategies to maintain until it is brought to consciousness and the system works to change. 

In the example of transgenerational trauma above, you may see how the environment creates trauma and continues from one generation to the next, as those who experienced high levels of trauma parented and continued to parent within the context and knowledge of what they knew. 

As children, we learn from our environment and how that translates into the future can depend on a variety of factors outside our control as well as some that are within our control. 

This made sense to me. I get this and believe that what we learn from our relationships throughout our lives impacts us on a conscious and unconscious basis. 

We can consider finding ways to become more conscious and aware of these impacts so we can shift the pattern.

 

Inherited Transgenerational Trauma and Biology

There seems to be some research indicating that this may not just be true just through nurture, yet through nature as well. 

What I found was that it was not just something that was being researched relationally within the family, yet also being studied genetically and biologically. This was OVERWHELMING to consider. 

People who experience trauma are possibly passing down these patterns via their relationships and dynamics with others AND through their biological genes as well!

Much of what I read focused specifically on survivors of genocide (such as the Holocaust). 

Some research focused specifically on tests run on animals. It seems that the evidence has begun to show how adverse experiences of children at early ages (and throughout life) can change someone’s brain and perhaps even the way trauma is passed down genetically across generations. 

To me, this is a fascinating area and concept to consider especially as a way to place more value on preventative measures to help with trauma generally speaking (especially in childhood). 

As this body of research continues to grow my hope is that there will be more resources placed to help treat trauma (and it’s many forms) and ways to prevent it. 

In some states (like California), they look at the “Adverse Childhood Experiences” (ACEs) as a public health issue (which it is!) and focus on ways to work with children and families to help prevent and intervene as soon as possible to reduce the long term impacts.

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where Amanda Pasciucco, Founder of LCAT provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Boundaries

The Boundary Trap – What are Boundaries? 

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The Boundary Trap – What are Boundaries? 

 

Boundaries have become the new buzzword – so what the heck are they?

They are ways to create limits or express needs. 

They can be physical, emotional, spiritual, verbal, sexual, etc. 

Boundaries are the ways in which we say what is or is not okay for us. This could be in the way we want to be communicated with, the way we are loved, the way we are touched, the way people show up for us, and the way people speak to us.

Our culture sucks with boundaries… which is probably why boundaries have become such a buzz word in our society now. Our culture has focused on what I call: aggressive, active, or passive boundaries. 

In the United States, we live in a dominating society where aggression and dominance are reinforced… down to the ways we even communicare. 

 

Aggressive, Passive, or Active?

Most of my clients come to me either utilizing aggressive or passive boundaries. 

Aggressive boundaries can use physical or (most often) verbal strategies. 

Aggressive boundaries is engaging in what I consider to be dominating, abrasive, coercive, demanding, controlling, shaming, blaming, or critical tactics. In my experience, these strategies result in compliance, rebellion, or conflict. None of which work towards connection and understanding. These boundaries are typically “at someone” and can be reactive boundaries. This is usually as a result of not having boundaries respected unless they were loud and big.

An example of an aggressive boundary would be: “You can never do anything right. Don’t help me anymore because you are an idiot. I know what is best and you either need to get on board or else.”

Passive boundaries are people who either do not set boundaries at all or are VERY unclear. People who struggle to set boundaries at all usually fall in this category. 

People who set passive boundaries often feel resentful because those around them do not understand the boundaries resulting in these individuals overgiving. These individuals may be conflict avoidant, may have not learned how to have a voice, or learned their needs were not important. 

Boundaries

An example of passive boundaries would be: 

  • feeling uncomfortable with something someone is doing and saying nothing
  • not responding
  • lying about your feelings such as saying “its okay”
  • over-committing and saying “yes” when you mean “no.”
  • Saying “whatever you want to do” 
  • Using vague language like “I mean maybe it’s a sorta thing that I….”

Passive Aggressive is the combo platter of boundaries. It is vague statements or boundaries that usually are accompanied by sarcasm, anger, or contempt. 

People who set passive aggressive boundaries are often unclear, rude, indirect in trying to get what they want or need. People who are passive aggressive often do not know how to get their needs met, may be conflict avoidant, or struggle to be vulnerable. 

An example of this would be: “I guess I didn’t need that anyways” with a sarcastic tone or non-descript tone.

Active Boundaries are clear, compassionate, and communicative. Active boundaries are when we are able to share what we need without engaging in violent communication techniques. 

These boundaries show how we need or what we want from others without engaging in destructive communication patterns that create disconnection and conflict. 

An example of this would be: “I feel really frustrated and hurt when you speak to me that way. I would ask in the future that we work together on communicating differently so that we both feel more safe.” or “I am noticing that I am uncomfortable when you touch me like that, is it possible for you to ask in the future? If you cannot do that, I am going to have to find another way to feel like I can be more comfortable around you.” or “In the future, when you go to get something to eat can you please also reach out if I need anything to? I felt really hurt when I did not have dinner too. In the future that would be so cool because I would feel really loved and seen.” 

 

Boundaries, PEOPLE!

So often we struggle to do this. It is so important that we find ways to communicate our needs through boundary setting. At LCAT, we use Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication as a guide to help our clients and ourselves navigate these difficult conversations. 

Boundaries are not something many of us are comfortable with in our culture and it is so important that we remember boundaries are FOR US not AT others. 

When we are able to focus on boundaries being for us and not AT others, we are more able to set them in an active way rather than a passive and/or aggressive way. 

Let us help you get there!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

parenting in a pandemic

Parenting in a Pandemic

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Parenting in a Pandemic

 

Parenting in a pandemic; 2020 has proven to be one of the most unique years in modern history! 

Most notably due to of COVID-19 or the Coronavirus, parenting in the pandemic has become a primary focus! 

A notable challenge has been parenting in a pandemic, especially during the quick changes.

Parenting during a pandemic has proven to be much more difficult than I think many parents predicted. 

I have spent many sessions working with parents discussing: the lack of accessibility or time they have to balance the needs of their kids, work (paid or unpaid), finances due to job changes or loss, online schooling, and everyone home with limited opportunities outside the home. 

 

Stressors of Parenting in COVID-19

What became clear to me throughout this is that each unique age and stage of the child determined challenges for children. 

For me, I am a single mother of a 1 year old so my daughter loves being with me and those that love her. She enjoys exploring wherever she is or whatever is in front of her… for instance, she loves shoes. 

So entertaining her was less of an issue for me as it may be for many parents with older children. 

For me, I have found socialization and consistent attention to be the most difficult when one is juggling all these roles at once. 

For other parents, taking on the schooling process has shown to be a major and stressful undertaking. 

Other parents cite “keeping kids busy” as a primary stressor or concern. 

Whether it is social-emotional development, ability to engage in varying activities, mental health, stress level, motivation, or something else, parents are sharing new and creative ways to meet their kids needs.

Many parents shared these woes, whether their children were young like mine or school aged. 

A predominant developmental task for childhood is socializing, exploring, and learning (language, emotions, people, etc.). 

COVID19 has certainly inhibited the ability to socialize and confronted them with learning and exploring in ways that parents typically do not do. 

Many parents, including myself, have had to find creative ways to build social and emotional development in children with the limited resources we have. 

Parents have shared finding new hands-on activities, exciting ways to utilize technology, going back to old school techniques of the great outdoors, and finding connections with their kids they have not otherwise found. 

Parenting in a Pandemic

 

Can We Do it All?

The short answer is HECK NO! I will also provide a longer answer if that is useful. 

As parents we have these moments of pure genius where we see something differently and creatively find ways to engage our children, yet that does not negate all the hardship and stress that goes into being a parent right now. 

So many parents express levels of shame or guilt of not “being enough” for their children. 

Parents express feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and working around the clock between their children, taking care of their home, and finding jobs/engaging in paid labor positions.

My clients often (myself included) often worry what the long term impact of this will be to our children. 

Feeling like you have to be everything for your child; whether that is teacher, friend, activities director, social planner/coordinator, healthcare provider, personal chef, tutor, childcare provider, parent, snuggle buddy, scientist, explorer, maid, nanny, custodian, therapist, housekeeper, grocer, etc. while also trying to meet the needs of yourself, other children, partners, and family. 

Not to mention if you were able to maintain employment during this… add job responsibilities. 

Parents feel guilty for needing to resort to increased screen time for their kids or struggling to remain consistent with boundaries. 

Here’s the thing… THAT IS OKAY! WE ARE LIVING IN A PANDEMIC.

So I will say to you what I say to many of my clients:

Take a deep breath in….and out… and slow the EFF down. 

Breathe in self compassion and understanding because… just in case you did not hear me in the back… WE ARE LIVING IN A FREAKING PANDEMIC!

So many parents express feeling more exhausted than they have ever felt due to being within their homes, surrounded by the same people. 

The function of school was a lot to take on, and the needs of children are still present. 

Radical permission to know that you cannot be 100% of everything for anyone, yet there are tips I have learned parenting in a pandemic to share! 

 

Tips and Tricks to Parenting in A Pandemic

What we work on so often in therapy is utilizing your resources, collaborating when you can, and engaging in some level of self care. 

  • Finding ways to connect with other parents (online forums, zoom, phone or text, following social media, social distancing while wearing masks)
  • Exercise or movement while distancing yourself from others
  • Finding safe ways for your children to connect with other children (online, hygiene conscientiousness, social distancing, and mask wearing, etc.)
  • Basic self-care (eating, drinking water, batheing, sleeping or getting out of bed)
  • Asking for help for those that you feel safe inviting back to your life (physically, emotionally, or socially)
  • Go to therapy (see what I did there? 🙂 )
  • Engage in community based activities online (religion, 12 step, protests, etc)
  • Finding new hobbies 
  • Prioritizing without overgiving or overfunctioning (I.E SET BOUNDARIES)
  • Finding time to check in with yourself, with your child, and with any partners or loved ones

These are SOME options for you, and I invite you to find creative strategies for you to find what works for you. 

The most important thing to do is find connection for yourself and with your loved ones (children and partners included) as well as being able to set boundaries for yourself, your family, and your children. 

These are some intense times… it’s important to find ways that work for you and your kids. 

Remember to have self-compassion and give yourself and your family a little bit more grace that you may normally parenting in a pandemic.

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

addictive personality

What is an Addictive Personality?

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What is an Addictive Personality?

 

You may ask yourself, what is an addictive personality?

Addiction has multiple parts to it and many people state they have “addictive personalities.”

What the heck does that mean?

Do you know someone who becomes consumed with different things or people?

Do you or others you know seem to become obsessive in relationships?

Do you know someone who is compelled and seems out of control in various aspects of their life?

Do you wonder why you are out of control or do you struggle to be able to manage relationships without becoming obsessive?

Do you often find yourself going from one substance or “high” of New Relationship Energy (NRE) to another?


Big “A” vs Little “a”

These may be indicators of an “addictive personality.”

In my clinical practice, I use the “A”ddiction and “a”ddiction.

To me, “A” is the one most referred to in our society and within clinical settings and surrounds drugs, alcohol, compulsive gambling, and some schools of thought would include sex and/or food.

In that regard, I do not treat as many people with or specialize in the “A”.

To be clear, neither is more valid or important – both are equally important to focus on and treat. 

I would say I work with a lot of folks who engage in obsessive or addictive patterns that would fall under the little “a.” 

In my experience, addiction often focuses on someone’s need to numb or escape some type of emotion or experience.

This could be from trauma, anxiety, depression, dysfunctional relationships or family systems, etc.

People with “addictive personalities” often use addiction as a strategy to feel differently than they do in order to “function.” 

Whether people are experiencing “A” or “a”, both result in what I would consider a chemical reinforcement in our brain and often a physical or emotional reinforcement in our minds and bodies.

This chemical high is a major reinforcement of the strategy or the “thing” (person, drink, drug, etc) that becomes the compulsion. Does this sound like anyone you may know? 

Have you ever been this person?

In working with addiction, it would seem that most addiction comes from some level of trauma someone experienced within their life and their addiction is a way or strategy to manage this.

We so often focus on the behavior in treatment, and to be clear that can be VERY necessary, HOWEVER, I would argue that until we are able to treat what is below that behavior [and have someone understand the why and the what the pattern of behavior (or strategy)] will just continue.

Common Underlying Issues Related to “Addictive Personality”: 

  • Codependency
  • Trauma (physical, emotional, sexual, etc.)
  • Family members (biological) who have history of substance use (research shows genetic component)
  • Family members or community members who have substance use history
  • Common coping is avoidance
  • Narcissism or increased self-focus
  • Systemic Trauma (institutional racism, white supremacy, heteronormativity)
  • Frequently invalidated throughout life
  • External locus of control
  • Significant difficulty in self-regulation

The list of “addict personality” traits can go on and on!

Seriously, there are many more, and these are just common ones that I have noticed in our practice. 

We hope this answers your question for “what is an addictive personality?”

If you feel like this post speaks to yourself or someone you know, therapy can be a very effective way in doing this work. Various providers engage in different techniques to help people who struggle with addiction. I truly encourage people to really do the inner work to find more adaptive strategies that do not reinforce these addictive patterns. 

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

stop comparing

How to stop comparing yourself to others and other couples

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How to stop comparing yourself to others and other couples

 

Is it finally time to stop comparing yourself to others… especially other couples? 

Whether a pair of celebrities or a couple in your circle of friends, there’s usually a couple in your life that you compare yourself to. 

STOP COMPARING! 

Yes… another couple may be physically beautiful, or somehow manage that magical balance of having creative careers and a satisfying sex life that they can’t help but brag about. 

A dynamite celebrity couple like John Legend and Chrissy Teigen may have you looking at yourself and your partner with disappointment – like what if you had the money, the fame, or chemistry… if only then, your relationship could be just as perfect!

You know though… that is what you want to believe.

Intellectually, you know they have issues too, yet at the back of your mind, you can’t help but hear the seductive whisper from your insecure subconscious: couples goals! 

You want to believe that the grass is greener on the other side… because that feels somehow enticing to compare.

Comparisons are often, if not usually, problematic, and especially when comparing your relationship to one that you only know through social media. 

Social media is where people can post a carefully curated version of themselves – you know “the projected” masked self. 

The version that is “airbrushed” without the flaws, the loneliness, and the lack of communication. 

We see this when people post a heavily-filtered selfie, or perhaps embellish their accomplishments to seem higher status. The same goes for relationships and couples goals that you are judging from afar.

So, seriously… Before you get too preoccupied with couples goals, stop your frantic, unrealistic comparisons and turn them into healthy aspirations for your own relationship.

Harmful Comparison: “They are always all over each other! We never even hold hands.”

Healthy Aspiration: “I would love to connect more by holding hands or physical touch in our daily lives. Is that something you are open to?” 

First of all, why are you envious (wanting what they have) about another couple’s PDA? 

If you find you are admiring couples that are physically affectionate on public platforms, it might be that you need more connection via touch in your relationship, or you’re more shy about PDA and wish you were able to be open about how much you are valued and appreciated in your relationship. 

Or… you may be single and focusing on others rather than working on yourself! 

You don’t need to do exactly what your inspirational couple is doing, or do anything you’re not comfortable with, yet taking the time to learn about yourself and to communicate to your partner about your needs and requests is a great start. 

It could be as simple as taking more photos together!

Harmful Comparison: “They post so many photos as a couple! My partner must be ashamed of me because they never post my picture.”

Healthy Aspiration: “How do I want to be shown I am loved? How does my partner? Is the way I am showing them love landing for them?”

Different strokes for different folks! #couplesgoals! 

When you see a couple posting a lot of photos, it can make you begin to wonder why you aren’t posting about your partner, or why they don’t post about you. 

Did this bother you before, or just after seeing another couple post about each other all the time? 

Is it about the public declaration of love, or do you genuinely prefer a quieter, more private relationship?

stop comparing yourself

Chances are your partner is NOT ashamed, and is just respecting your privacy as a couple or they just aren’t that into social media. 

Chances are you picked up on something that is more about you and your need than it is about them! It is your job to communicate THAT with your partner or to yourself to process in therapy. 

The most important thing is finding out what expression of love makes you feel most valued by your partner and yourself, and if it means more selfies, let them know! 

Be open to the new and creative approaches that come about! 

For example, putting a date night on the schedule, could mean more time spent together on hobbies, or them doing more stuff around the house, or even just telling you they love you!

Harmful Comparison: “Wow, they’re on another vacation together? We can’t even find a weekend getaway.”

Healthy Aspiration: “We need to make more time for adventures together- even if it has to be local!”

A tropical vacation would obviously be awesome, whether you bring your partner or not! Yet, the reality is, sometimes the money just isn’t there… or there is covid19. 

Also, the couple you are comparing yourself to may just have different priorities… so what makes you think using their strategies will actually bring you the same joy or pleasure it brings them? 

Perhaps you are saving for a house, yet they want to rent forever and never have children so they can travel. Or perhaps you have student debt because you have your dream career, yet they just have financial freedom. 

Notice the difference between what feels urgent and what actually is important to you. I have a bunch of clients who realized that they were just living a life that was photo worthy without actually getting pleasure from it. 

If you find yourself longing for more adventures, try and be creative with local options – a picnic, a night in a local hotel (with room service!), a short road trip to a nearby outdoor tourist attraction.  

Everyone can use a staycation – anything that will shake up the routine and get you out of the house… individually or preferably if partnered, together. 

Your envy towards this couple could also be a sign or dissatisfaction in areas of your life other than your relationship. 

Are there ways you can carve out more time for yourself and/or your partner? Are there areas of your life that are causing you more stress than they’re worth? 

It is worth discussing solutions with your therapist if you feel exhausted or like you need to escape in order to spend some quality time with your partner.

Harmful Comparison: “They look so perfect. We’ve really let ourselves go…”

Healthy Aspirations: “I’m happy we are so comfortable with each other and I would request you support me in my individual health goals if you can.”

It can be so hard not to hate on yourself when you see someone who you believe is more attractive, slim, or stylish than you. 

And if you’re a couple that are more the stay-at-home-in-sweatpants type you might feel a little inferior. But why should you?

stop comparing yourself

It can be a wonderful thing to be candid and comfortable with each other! 

Of course, everyone likes to put in some effort now and then, yet you can be sure that the couple you’re envying have days where they don’t want to glam up. 

And if they don’t, who cares? What works for YOU is what matters. 

Now, if you want to get into fitness together or change it up in other areas of life, it helps to be able to support each other. 

After all, you are two independent people with lives, goals, and aspirations. Therefore, helping each other achieve these dreams is about as noble of a goal you can have as a couple!

Bottom line – TLDR: comparison is harmful and you cannot know what other people are going through in their couples goals! 

It is much more productive to have couples goals for your unique needs as a couple – that reflect the needs of your unique relationship. 

Being in a couple and doing your own thing, being supportive of each other, and growing and developing with new communication strategies and new shared experiences? 

Now, THOSE are some couples goals!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.