doggy style

Maximizing The Pleasure Of The Doggy Style Sex 

Maximizing The Pleasure Of The Doggy Style Sex 


There’s no surprise if we say that doggy style sex is one of the most popular sex positions, right? To avoid being stuck in the missionary position or any of those you and your sex partner like to practice frequently, switching to doggy sex will provide you with so much more than just dynamics in sex, it will also provide you with incredible pleasure, regardless of whether you’re a receiver or a giver in the doggy style sex.

So, to ensure you continue enjoying your favorite position and never get tired of it, we’ve decided to gather the most useful tips for all the fans of doggy sex to help them explore their sexual pleasures even more and maybe discover something new about it.

Don’t Skip Foreplay

Sometimes, people will stop having doggy style sex because they have experienced it being uncomfortable or painful. This position is a bit more tricky than the conventional ones and sometimes it does include pain, however, preparing the body for the doggy sex will make it all go away. 

That’s why this deep and often intense position might require a bit more foreplay. If you and your partner are not that into foreplay, try to massage, lubricate or kiss the penetration point so that it’s less uncomfortable when the sex starts. Ideally, you would spend 10 to 20 minutes getting it on with your partner, from dirty talk to touching and kissing various erogenous zones.

Vertical Alternative

If you’re enjoying the doggy sex, yet your knees feel uncomfortable or you experience pain in your back, a great alternative solution would be to do it vertically. So, dust your knees and stretch your body before going into a less challenging position – vertical doggy. If this is how you feel each time when you’re kneeling on all fours, suggest your partner this position where you’ll stand up and lean forward against a wall or simply bend over a kitchen table or office desk. 

Of course, if you like both of these options, you can combine them during sex as the sensation will be completely different. You can even lean forward against a mirror in the room so you can enjoy the view of each other’s bodies. 

Forget About the Bedroom 

You already know there are variations to a doggy style sex, however, that’s not where the options stop. You can have sex in this position outside your bed and in any place of the house or even outdoors. Try it under the shower while you support your hands with the wall and lean forward and your partner penetrates easily because of the water. 

You can also try it on your couch in the living room, in the garage against the car, or on your balcony. It all depends on what your preferences are, yet one thing is for sure – the options are limitless when it comes to choosing a spot. For those who love adventure, why not park the car in the middle of the night somewhere where it’s quiet, and put down the seats so you can enjoy the good-old doggy sex?

Use a Pillow

You don’t have to reach out for a pillow only when you’re afraid you’ll wake up your neighbors with your screaming. As you probably already know, not every doggy ends in orgasm, so it’s good to look for handy tools that might help you climax better and quicker. What you will need to do is to get into the classic doggy position on all fours, and put a wedge pillow under the belly. This will enhance the external pressure of your abdomen and pelvis, providing you with incredible sensations during sex. 

Also, try to keep your hips as high in the air as possible, while also resting your head and arms on the bed. This will help your partner penetrate more easily and allow you to experience doggy style sex like never before. 

Don’t Ignore the Nipples

For women who love breast stimulation, doggy is the perfect option as it allows your partner to touch them while having sex with you. If you want to surprise your partner with this idea, just grab his hands and place them directly on your breasts. Put your hands over their hands to increase the pressure and you can even show them how you want to be touched. 

Use Your Fingers

Women will usually feel most excited when touching, rubbing, and kissing their clitoris, so why not do exactly that while your partner is behind you in a doggy style position? Just use your fingers and start touching yourself. If you need a bit of help, wet your fingers before touching your clitoris for an improved sensation. 

For those who enjoy using their fingers and sharing that game with their partner, you can also put your fingers into your partner’s mouth and tease them while having sex. Or, simply wait until you orgasm, and reward them with putting your fingers into their mouth when they pull out their penis. 

Use a Vibrator

When doing doggy sex, you can use as many sex props as you need, however, you will probably already have a vibrator at home, so why not use it? You can switch from vibrator to penis and have two different sets of sensations, you can use your vibrator as a part of foreplay, or you can even use penis and a vibrator at the same time.

Once your partner penetrates from behind, hand him the vibrator and guide him where you wish to feel these vibrations on your body. It might feel really good on the clitoris, your nipple, your neck, or your thighs. It’s up to you and your partner to discover which areas will only make the situation more steamy for the both of you!


Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size



About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do


Lesbian Orgasm

Your Ultimate Guide To Better Lesbian Orgasm

Your Ultimate Guide To Better Lesbian Orgasm


If you are a woman who loves dating other women, learning about a lesbian orgasm is vital for both your sex life and your relationship. From learning which positions provide great pleasure to understanding how a body with a vagina works, this guide will provide you with it all.

You never had sex with a woman yet feel curious to find out what you can expect? We will reveal all the tips and tricks to make your first time as magical as possible.

Lesbian Sex

The difference between lesbian sex and sex between the opposite sexes is that to achieve orgasm, clitoral stimulation is crucial. So, it is vital to know everything about the ways to use the clitoris and give an orgasm to your partner. As much as it is true that stimulation is a big part of lesbian sex, you can still enjoy penetrative sex as much as you would enjoy clitoral stimulation. The choice is entirely up to you and your sexual partner!

When compared to hetero sex, clitoris and other erogenous zones are a bigger priority than just the act of penetration. As stimulation provides a different sensation than penetration, many bisexual people say they experience more pleasure while having sex with women than men. 

If you are looking for inspiration, take a look at some of the most popular sex positions among lesbian couples that will bring incredible satisfaction to you and your partner in bed and everywhere else you like to get freaky!

It’s 69 O’clock!

This position is among favorites among lesbians couples as it allows each partner to give and receive clitoral stimulation. One person will need to lie on top of the other, facing each other in the opposite direction. In other words, your feet should be where their head is, and your partner should do the same. With 69, both of you will be able to have your mouths right next to each other’s vagina.

The great thing about this 69 is that you can easily switch positions, so both of you can be on the top during sex. For those who will not feel comfortable with this top-bottom position, you can also practice 69 on the side. Whichever of these two options you choose, you will not be disappointed! 

Let Me Sit On Your Face!

If you like dominative and submissive games, face sitting is an excellent position to have fun with it. The person on top (dominant) will sit on the face of the other person (submissive) who is in the laying position. For those who enjoy role-playing, you can even include that as well when in this position.

The person sitting on someone’s face is in complete control, getting all the pleasure they can get from this position where mouth and tongue stimulate the clitoris. 

The Good Old Doggy! 

Most people will think of hetero couples when talking about the doggy-style position, yet many lesbian couples will recommend it to any rookie joining the club. Simply by adding a strap-on, partners can make the most of the doggy style and achieve great pleasure for both of them. The reason why doggy-style sex is so pleasant for partners with vaginas is the receiving partner can stimulate the nipple and clitoris with the fingers or a vibrator while the other partner is behind. 

This position is a good choice for anyone who loves deep penetration. Due to the angle of penetration, the doggy style brings great satisfaction to the person on all fours. If you are looking to take it one step further, why not blindfold and tie the hands of the receiving partner and heighten their senses that way?

Stretch Me, Baby!

The stretch is very similar to doggy style, so the chances are if you are a fan of one, you will probably enjoy the other one as well. With this position, the partner will slide underneath the other partner while lying on their back. Either you or your partner will stay on all fours and stretch the arms out in front. At the same time, you will need to raise the bottom as high as possible for a better feel. In other words, one partner will be underneath the other who will support their body with hands and knees. 

This position provides both partners with an incredible sensation and is more intense for the partner doing the stretching. So, if you were looking for something new to try in the bedroom, stretching is the position the both of you will surely enjoy!

Bossing Around!

If you like being in control during sex, this is what you need to make the most of your sexual experiences. You will sit in a chair or on the edge of your bed and spread your legs wide. Under your feet, you will place a pillow and tell your partner to crawl between your legs. Then, you will wrap your legs around their neck to find the right angle and use your hips to navigate your partner.  

This position can be just the start of you bossing your partner. You can tell them to be quiet and follow your instructions. Guide them during the entire time on what you need to achieve an orgasm.

Vibrate My Nipples!

Of course, there are plenty of couples who are not into the penetration game. If you were thinking of vibrators as toys for penetrating, it might surprise you once you have experienced their stimulation potential! For many people, nipples are an erogenous zone, and just by someone touching, licking, kissing, and biting their nipples, they achieve great pleasure. So, why not use the power of the good old vibrator and graze it along the nipples to experience something completely different?

You can use it for foreplay and during sex, depending on how you want things to go. One thing is for sure, you both will enjoy it and come back to the nipple game a few times more. Once you get tired of it, you can buy a differently shaped vibrator or change the speed on the one you have, and you will be more than amazed!

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm



About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do


How To Have Sex Like A Porn Star

How To Have Sex Like A Porn Star

How To Have Sex Like A Porn Star


Curious to learn how to have sex like a porn star? Believe it or not, many will be looking into tips and tricks from their favorite porn movies or porn stars to spice things up in the bedroom. And let’s face it, life is truly too short not to enjoy good sex whenever and wherever you want it. 

If you’re looking to turn your wildest, craziest fantasies into reality, this probably means you’re ready to dive into the world of porn stars for inspiration. To help you make the most of your sex life and have fun with your sex partner. Take a look at our suggestions on how to become a porn star in your own life!

#1 Press Record

The difference between porn stars and everyone else is they are recording themselves having sex. Well, you might not have a production team in your bedroom and all that fancy equipment, yet it’s possible to record your wildest moments and keep them as great memories. If you haven’t recorded yourself having sex before, you might feel a bit uncomfortable the first time.

Regardless, make sure you enjoy it and don’t be shy to be yourself just because your camera is on. Forget completely that these moments are being recorded and connect with your sexual partner as you have connected during the previous times. 

#2 Dress Up

When was the last time you spent money on nice lingerie or underwear? Men or women, we all like to put a nice piece of clothing to flirt with our partner and use it as an invitation for sex. Order online or make an event out of it and go shopping alone, with friends, or even with your sexual partner. 

If you want to level it up, you can even buy a costume for a role play. For instance, your partner might have shared their fantasies about the doctor-nurse scenario, so why not buy a uniform and surprise them when they come from work? Whatever your choice is, make sure that it’s used to enhance your foreplay and sex.

#3 Own The Dirty Talk

If you’ve ever seen a porn movie (we know you have!), you’ve probably noticed all the dirty. Playful words porn stars are using. Sex is not just about physical, you can enjoy it from so many other angles, and one of them is verbal. Share with your partner how bad you want it with your dirty talk and encourage them to talk dirty to you too!

However, before going into all of that, make sure you have communicated it with your partner, so they don’t get surprised or offended once you start throwing a few dirty words around. The best thing to do is to start small and see where you both feel comfortable with dirty talk. 

#4 Open Your Sex Life

If you’re not a complete monogamist or you’d like to explore non-monogamy concepts, how about inviting another person to your bed? If you’re in a long-term, serious relationship, start a conversation with your partner and ask for their opinion on it. Of course, you will do the same if it’s with a person who is your sex partner, only there is more risk with relationships.

You might decide to have a threesome or group sex, and the most important thing about it is to practice safe sex. Including more people in your sexual life requires more attention and preparation, both physically and emotionally. If you discover that having sex with more people at the same time is something that excites you. You can start practicing it more and discover something new about your pleasure with each experience.

#5 Try BDSM

When talking about porn movies, BDSM is one of the most popular categories people enjoy watching. So, if you’re curious to try it out, why not suggest to your partner a night of hot BDSM passion? However, as pleasure is intertwined with pain in the BDSM world. You will need to talk about the limitations and what things are off the table. Most couples will determine a safe word they will use once they want to end the foreplay or the sex.

Also, you will notice that BDSM consists of a wide range of different techniques. So make sure you go into it step by step. Another thing that would be quite useful to know before you start exploring the BDSM world is to think about the aftercare element. As things can get rough, it’s nice to know that you and your partner can go back to hugging, kissing, cuddling. And deep conversation after you’ve had the orgasms of your lives. 

#6 Watch Porn

If you’re determined to start having wild sex with your partner, you will need a source of inspiration. After all, our tricks can only do so much, right? So, why not dive into an endless library of porn movies you can filter by your own interests? Instead of having a movie night on Friday. Why not have a porn movie night with your partner and discover new things you’d like to try in the bedroom?

Browse through different categories, read what other users are recommending. And you can even join forums and chats where you can also inspire other people with your sex ideas. Such places are great to inspire you and also to connect you with a like-minded group of people. Those who are looking for an extra in their sexual relationship might even find them there.

In Conclusion

To do it like a porn star, you will need to be ready to look deep into your fantasies. Share them with your partner. And start practicing them in the bedroom. If you’re not used to wild, free sex without limitations, it will take a while for you to get used to it. And don’t worry if some of the things you try out don’t work. There is plenty of ideas waiting for you to turn them into reality!



Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size



About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do


Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction & Its Impact on Relationships

Erectile Dysfunction & Its Impact on Relationships


There are no perfect relationships, so it’s completely normal to ask questions about the issues that appear in them, Such as erectile dysfunction and its impact on relationships. Of course, there are other emotional and physical problems a couple can have, yet noticing the lack of honest. Valuable conversation around erectile dysfunction (ED) proves the need of talking about it. 

This common condition results in difficulties in sexual activities with another person and sometimes, it even leads to a loss of intimacy in relationships and marriages, which then affects the mental wellbeing of the couple. 

So, what is exactly erectile dysfunction, why it happens and how it impacts long-term relationships and marriage? Read all about it in this article. 

What is ED?

Erectile dysfunction, also referred to as ED, is the inability to get or keep a man’s erection firm enough to have successful sexual intercourse. When it happens occasionally, erectile dysfunction is nothing unusual as many men will experience it during stressful times. However, if the ED becomes frequent, it might be a sign of health problems that require certain treatment. 

Besides health issues, it’s important to say that ED can be a result of emotional or relationship difficulties which will also need the help of a professional in order to be resolved. So, what causes the ED? 

It occurs because of issues at any point in the man’s erection process. An erection comes as a result of increased blood flow into the penis. This blood flow is stimulated by one of these two options: sexual thoughts or direct contact with the penis.

So, when a man gets sexually excited, the muscles in his penis will start relaxing. This will get the blood flow through the penile arteries by filling two chambers which once filled with blood, the penis will start growing. The erection is considered done when the muscles contract so that the accumulated blood can flow out through the veins in the penis.

Causes of ED

There are numerous possible causes of erectile dysfunction and, as mentioned, they can involve both emotional and physical conditions. Some of the most common causes are cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, obesity, kidney disease and low testosterone levels. 

When talking about mental health, there are also various possible causes of ED, such as stress, anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, and even Parkinson’s disease and multiple sclerosis. 

However, these causes can even be the result of the lifestyle a person has. For instance, erectile dysfunction can occur due to relationship problems, prescription medications, drug use, alcohol or tobacco consumption. 

Erectile dysfunction can be caused by one of the mentioned factors or even several of them. That’s why it’s vital to seek help from an adequate professional and get the treatment on time. 

How ED Affects Relationships

When in a long-term relationship or marriage. ED is definitely something you wish to prevent from happening, so how to act when it happens? The important thing is not to panic as erectile dysfunction is treatable in most cases. There are numerous effective treatments available that can successfully restore sexual function and enhance satisfaction in the relationship that way.

With that being said, it’s possible that a person will need to try out more than one treatment until they find the option that works best for them. During the entire process, their partner should be open, caring and supportive. Knowing that your partner is with you will help you feel less stressed about the treatment. Which can also have positive effects on your ED. 

When faced with ED, the person will most likely be recommended some of the following approaches:

  • Open communication
  • Counseling
  • Practicing other forms of intimacy
  • Changes in your lifestyle
  • Honest and open communication

Understanding that ED is a common condition that happens to many men around the world, you should know that feelings such as guilt and embarrassment will only worsen the situation. That’s why it’s always recommended to practice other forms of intimacy so that you and your partner can still feel close to each other while you’re treating your ED.

Erectile Dysfunction Treatment

The right treatment for erectile dysfunction will greatly depend on the cause of it. Sometimes, a person will need only talk therapy to solve the issue successfully and other times, a combination of treatments will be required. 

The doctor might even prescribe you medications to help you deal better with the ED symptoms. With that being said, it might even take several medications until you find the one that works best for you. These are some of the medications prescribed to people with ED to stimulate blood flow to the penis: 

  • Avanafil 
  • Sildenafil
  • Vardenafil 
  • Tadalafil 
  • Alprostadil 

You should never take any of these medications before consulting a doctor as they might not be suitable for you and they might even have an effect on other medications you are taking. 

Another common way of treating ED is with talk therapy as many causes of ED are actually psychological. Such as stress, anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. You can expect to go over various topics with your therapist like stress or anxiety factors, how you feel about sex and subconscious conflicts that might affect your sex drive.

If your relationship is affected by ED and you feel as if you and your partner can use therapy to have a space for a healthy conversation. You should also consider relationship counseling. 

Another method of treatment you will probably hear about is vacuum pumps. It is a treatment that uses the creation of a vacuum to stimulate the erection. As the device is working, the blood is drawn into the penis causing an erection. This method of treatment is usually recommended when the cause is physical.

Don’t Ignore it!

As much as it can get uncomfortable for you to talk about erectile dysfunction. Keep in mind that it’s a common condition that can happen to any man on the planet. A lot of factors can lead to ED, so blaming yourself or feeling ashamed to share this with someone shouldn’t be a part of your coping mechanism. Instead, think of it as part of your sexual health and do everything you can to resolve it and make sure you feel 100% like yourself again! 


About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

how to last longer in bed

How to Last Longer in Bed


Amanda Pasciucco, LCAT founder was interviewed by for this article.

Experts Take On Lasting Longer During Sex


Lasting longer in bed is a desire of most men. The reality is that it takes much more time for a woman to reach orgasm than for a man. Finishing before their partners can make males feel insecure regarding their sexual performance.


Although the intensity and what do you do during sex is more important than the time length, there are tricks that you can use to ensure that you will last longer in bed.


To give you the best advice possible, we decided to not limit this article to our experience and knowledge so we reached out to 50 sex experts and ask them the following question:


What is your best advice for men who want to last longer in bed?


We received a variety of tips that range from physical exercises, breathing techniques, to dealing with your emotions and improving the way you communicate with your partner.


Keep reading to see what the experts had to say.


Jessica O’Reilly – Sex With Dr Jess
Jessica O'Reilly


I offer a full online course on how to last longer in bed and overcome premature ejaculation in 6 steps. This involves:


1. Mindfulness practices in masturbation
2. Intentional masturbation to reduce external stimuli
3. Pelvic floor exercises to better understand the muscles that respond to arousal and ejaculation
4. Cognitive-behavioural adjustments to reframe expectations and reduce performance pressure
5. Sex education related to the sexual response cycle and how the body functions during arousal, orgasm and ejaculation

If you want to try an exercise on your own, try basic mindful masturbation:

Touch your entire body for pleasure for 10-20 minutes without trying to reach orgasm. Explore from head to toe. Don’t get hung up on your genitals, but don’t ignore them either.


Tune into your unique responses and physical sensations. What are there textures, pressure, rhythm, movements, temperatures and other sensations you feel in your skin?

Try this every day for a week and see what changes in your body. Can you start to recognize when ejaculation is imminent? What can you do to stave it off? Does slowing down help? How about changing positions or loosening your grip?


Our intention here isn’t to simply last longer, but to enjoy the process. There is no sense in “lasting longer” via distraction that detracts from pleasure; the point is to have the option to prolong the experience and also genuinely enjoy it.

As you tune into your body’s responses, you’ll likely find that your ability to be more present and enjoy pleasure (without worrying about orgasm/ejaculation) increases.

You may also want to experiment with different breathing patterns while you masturbate.

Try breathing more slowly and deeply. Take a big deep breath in and exhale slowly and purposefully; align your strokes with your breath to really slow things down.


See how the sensations and pleasure change as you slow your breath, but don’t worry about how long you last; simply enjoy and observe the process.


Diana Wiley – Dear Dr Diana

Diana Wiley

My advice for men who want to last longer in bed.

This is a frequent concern in my sex therapy practice. It’s frustrating for a man (as well as his partner) if he ejaculates too soon after intercourse begins.


A woman may want her lover to be able to thrust for a longer time to help her achieve more sexual satisfaction. I have two key pointers for this situation.

First, sometimes just being able to talk about it with your partner can relieve some of the anxiety at the root of the problem.


Performance anxiety releases stress hormones, which play havoc with a man’s sexual response. Repeated experiences can lead to this becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Recognize that this is a couple’s problem—not just the man’s problem. Have some frank and heartfelt discussions, and do some research together to explore the varied treatment options (exercises, medications, counseling, etc.).

Second, see if you can cultivate a playful attitude about the issue. Sure, it can feel devastating at the time, but with help you can make progress. In the meantime, try to lighten up and not take it so seriously.


Sex is not a “job” or a “task” to complete. Relax and enjoy the process. And also avoid blaming each other. Work together and remind each other that this is not really about performance or perfection.


Megan Fleming – Great Life Great Sex

Megan Fleming

My best advice for men who want to last longer, backed up by Lori Brotto’s extensive clinical research is… to be in the moment, mindfulness, while knowing that the foundation of arousal is relaxation.


In my 20 years of clinical experience in NYC, I can tell you the #1 reason men come to my office is related to performance anxiety.


It can show up in ejaculating sooner than you’d like, finding it really difficult or not even being able to ejaculate with a partner or having difficulties getting or maintaining an erection.


Almost ubiquitously every single one of them was so interested and focused on giving their partner pleasure that they got into their heads and how it’s going to go or fear it will go (I call this anti-fantasy) and well, since none of that is erotic they unwittingly and unconsciously inhibit their own arousal.


Nina Rubin – After Deafeat

Nina Rubin

If a man wants to last longer in bed, he could wait longer to have intercourse.


Much of the time, sex is considered as intercourse: penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus.


When also considering oral sex and performing it on a partner, that can be completely satisfying for the receiver and very much a turn-on for the giver.


There are many more sexual activities that will bring both people pleasure and prolong intercourse.


Consider massage, experimenting with kinks, and stimulating your partner.


Dainis Graveris – Sexual Alpha

Dainis Graveris

Stop your lousy masturbation habits. Most men have problems lasting longer in bed because of them. I personally experienced erectile dysfunction in my younger years because of porn overuse. If you want to resolve this issue, stop watching porn. In a few weeks, you’ll notice how sexy and attractive real women become.

Get fit and fix your health. Aside from looking more attractive to women, getting fit boosts your health and improves your performance in bed. Any exercise that elevates your heart rate for at least 30 minutes thrice a week will improve your cardiovascular health.

You’ll also notice how you can stay physically active for longer. Plus, an improvement in metabolism, including blood circulation to your heart, lungs, and (yup, you guessed it right) your penis.

And it’s not just about getting enough exercise. Cut drinking, smoking, and eating junk food. All these will hurt your health and your sex life. Make better health choices if you want to improve your love life and your life as a whole.

Strengthen your PC muscles by doing Kegel exercises. First, you need to know how to isolate your PC muscles. These are the muscles you use to stop peeing, and that’s actually a perfect time to start your Kegels. When you take a leak, stop yourself for 5-10 seconds by squeezing these muscles as strongly as possible and then releasing them.

In two weeks, you’ll notice a significant improvement in your control. You can then do regular Kegels anywhere besides the comfort room. For example, you can do it while sitting at your desk, driving, having lunch, etc. Don’t worry. Nobody will know what’s happening down there.

Do a mix of 30 quick squeezes and releases, followed by 5-10 seconds of holding your muscles and repeating it 5 times. Do this no more than 10 minutes per day.

Do the stop-start or edging technique. It involves stopping all sexual stimulation temporarily when you feel you’re about to cum. Once this feeling has passed, you can go back and stimulate each other. You can practice edging by yourself or with your partner. If you do it by yourself, make sure to focus.

Remember your Kegels? When you edge, you get yourself hard, get close to ejaculation, and squeeze your PC muscles as hard as you can, and hold it for 10 seconds.

While you’re squeezing, take deep, relaxed breaths. Imagine moving the sexual energy from your penis area to your whole body with each breath. Learn to control yourself as well as be aware of your hardness levels.


Switch positions and mix things up. Learn how your body works so you’ll know what positions make you less aroused and which ones make you cum sooner. If you find yourself getting too close to ejaculation, switch positions. Change the angle or tempo to make sex feel different.

Even if you’ve penetrated your partner, no rule states that you have to stay inside. It can be fun to thrust a few times, withdraw, and use your fingers to keep going. Teasing your partner this way will increase the intensity of the pleasure too.

Don’t be afraid to bring in backup (AKA sex toys). Make things easier by getting some sex toys to help you last longer. For example, when you’re about to cum, you can first withdraw and use a vibrator or dildo on your partner. Doing so helps you go back to step 1 and brings more pleasure to your partner.

When using any toy, make sure you don’t just pull the toy in and out. Instead, let your partner instruct you on the spot and then simply keep pressing up and down or a little bit back and forth. Adding toys to your sex life will not make you less of a man.

There’s still no toy that can replace a man and sensations you can bring with your magic touch, masculine energy, and passionate kisses. Ask any woman.


Anya Laeta – Sf Sex Coaching

Anya Laeta

To last longer with a partner, you need to learn how to last longer alone.


A lot of men for years “train” themselves to finish within minutes while masturbating.


It’s no wonder that is exactly what their body does in partnered sex.


Allowing yourself to take your time, breathe, and relax more during solo sex, as well as becoming comfortable with edging, will help you establish better ejaculation control.


Dr. Teralyn Sell

Teralyn Sell

For a man who wants to last longer in bed do the following:


1. Seek medical advice – Seek guidance from a medical professional to help rule out any underlying medical conditions.


2. Evaluate pornography use – Pornography impacts sexual physical, mental and sexual health in many ways and we aren’t talking about it enough.


3. Get out of your head (meaning your brain) – Use breathing and mindfulness techniques in the bedroom instead of worrying and stressing about lasting long enough.


Maj Wismann – Web Sexolog

Maj Wismann

As a Master of Sexology and clinical sexologist this is a question I hear many times during a workweek.


If you want to last longer in bed as a man you can focus on the mastery of your excitement and arousal.


This is something you can practice and learn to know your body’s signals.


When you are a Master of your body’s signals you can learn to slow down – move the focus to your partner etc. and in this way you can drag on the ejaculation and orgasm.


Audrey Hope – Ask Audrey Now

Audrey Hope

For men who want to last longer in bed, they must take a new inner approach to sex, change their perception and RELAX.


You can’t just pressure your sexual organs to make them do what you want. Our bodies need another way to communicate.


For men, it can’t be just about performance, that puts pressure to be superficially “good in bed.”


To last longer, learn self-esteem and not the need to prove yourself.


Get into the way it is making you feel and the joy of pleasing your partner. Have sex because you want to please another and share divine experiences.


Alma Ramirez-Acosta – Vibio

Alma Ramirez-Acosta

A simple step towards lasting longer in bed is to spend more time pleasuring your partner at the beginning of the session.


It sounds obvious, but it will help even up the stage of arousal between you.

For a more long-term approach, combining breathwork and edging gives great results.


This means that you should practice getting to the point right before climax and stop, take a couple of deep breaths, and repeat this cycle as many times as possible.


Edging helps you understand your body’s arousal journey, from stimulation to climax, and gain control over what you want to happen next or when.


Bonus point, it will give you explosive orgasms thanks to all the build up!

When practicing lasting longer in bed, the most important thing to bear in mind is that it is as much of a physical exercise as a mental exercise.


We often underestimate how our minds take control over our bodies, whether it is in the shape of nerves, low self-esteem or disbelief in our own capabilities.


But doubting ourselves in bed is something we all go through in one way or another – it’s all about unlearning what we think we should be and focusing on turning sex into the most pleasurable, fun experience possible.


Sameera Sullivan

Sameera Sullivan

Remove the stigma.

Stop getting in your head so much. Remember how your parents would tell you not to lose sleep over a problem, and how relaxing will help?


That advice turned out to be timeless and is actually the key to understanding how you can subconsciously get some control.


Often men are too worried and end up underperforming in the bedroom, which causes greater anxiety and leads you into a downward spiral. Watch out for the signs – and trust me, your partner just wants to help and doesn’t judge you for it.

Practice makes perfect!

Nobody expects you to turn into a rowdy porn star overnight. Foreplay is your best friend, so take your time to really study your partner.


Consider using a thicker condom to decrease sensation and practice building control by stopping just before ejaculation and waiting 10-20 seconds, taking deep breaths, and squeezing the head.

Expand your definition of sex.

There’s a lot more to intimacy than just vaginal sex. In fact, that’s just a small part of the overall experience, so why not try to mix things up?


Communication with your partner is key – so work together to see what else works for you.


A lot of my clients enjoy watching new types of porn together and discover something they’ve often never even thought of! Be brave, be curious, and be unexpected!


Sonya Schwartz – Her Norm

Sonya Schwartz

I’ve been a relationship expert and I can say that there are indeed people that are concerned about how fast they end sexual activity.


This scenario sometimes creates conflicts in relationships saying that their partners are being unsatisfied with their performance in bed. But there are things a man can do to make it last longer.


One of the best pieces of advice that I can give is to keep exploring different positions. Switching and changing position can help you prolong it.


This also gives you time to rest your penis and calm it to prevent reaching the climax that instant.


In between changing positions, try to calm down and postpone it. In this way, you don’t need to risk the moment and cut the pleasure that your partner is having.


Moreover, switching and changing positions can increase intimacy during sex.


Your mind will as well be more focused on the position and on keeping your balance while in it. This also adds wilderness and playfulness during sex. It will eventually contribute to happier intercourse.


And besides, exploring different positions is what increases excitement and interest during sex. This will prevent both of you from being bored in a single position.


Tyler Dårlig Ulv – Bad Wolf

Tyler Dårlig Ulv

Often times the root of insecurity about lasting “long enough” or “performing” for men is found in the toxic upbringing lots of guys came into adulthood with.


Those things—especially the idea of having to perform—create anxiety and stress that doesn’t make sex better and enhances worry (and sometimes the likelihood of erection problems).

Instead of fixating on how looong you’re lasting, reframe how you approach sex time. So you cum real quick. Ok. Can you cum again in 30 or 40 minutes?


Awesome! Stretch your session across that span and focus on your partner while you’re recharging. Two loads is always more fun than one.

Can’t cum again for a long time? Begin doing some internal work about why sex ends for you once you bust. Consider talking with a therapist about it. Seriously!

Why does your orgasm mean it’s over? If you know how your body/penis will likely respond, plan ahead. Dive into what your partner wants with toys, tools, or your whole face, once your boner is out of the equation.

And lose the idea that there’s a “right” amount of duration for sex. That’s a myth perpetuated by sitcoms, movies, and the high fantasy of pornography. It’s not making you better in bed, or giving anybody else any pleasure. Bin it.


Raffi Bilek – Baltimore Therapy Center

Raffi Bilek

One way to extend your time spent loving is to focus your attention on your partner’s pleasure.


Make sure they’re enjoying what you’re doing, and pay attention to whether they want more of this or less of that.


The more focus you put on your partner, the less focus you’ll have on your own sensations, and the longer you’ll be able to stick it out taking care of their needs.

Jordan D’Nelle Jones

Jordan D’Nelle Jones

For men that want to last longer in bed, I would recommend experimenting with edging and orgasm control.


Edging is a technique where you get close to the point of orgasm then back down and do not allow yourself to orgasm. Then keep repeating until you are ready to orgasm.


This also helps you have more intense orgasms when you do finally let yourself have an orgasm. You can be do this solo or partnered, whatever suits your desires.

Dr. Betsy Greenleaf – Greenleaf Be Well

Betsy Greenleaf

Performance concerns are high amongst men. My biggest advice before trying blue pills and enhancement procedures has to do with muscle strength. We start to lose 3-5% of muscle mass yearly after the age of 30.


Though many go to the gym, most people forget to do exercises to strengthen their pelvic floor muscles.


It is the pelvic floor muscles that give us ( men and women ) the ability to enjoy sexual activity, lengthen our sexual response, and increase the intensity of orgasm.


Simply starting with Kegel exercises and making a habit of continuing these exercises throughout life.


Kegel exercises can be performed by envisioning tightening your pelvic floor muscles…..these are the muscles that are used to hold in urine, gas or stool.


Tighten for the count of 10 and then relax and repeat for 3 more sets. You can also do an exercise called “quick flicks.” Tighten the same muscles quickly and then relax 10 times in a row and then repeat 3 sets.


Abductor machines in the gym, or rolling up a towel, or placing a ball between the legs while seated in a chair and squeezing can also strengthen these muscles.

Kegels are my biggest secret that anyone can do anywhere. Strong pelvic floor muscles will improve your response, performance and make your partner smile.


Dr. Robin Buckley

Robin Buckley

When my male clients ask about sustaining their sexual performance, the most significant suggestion I offer is for them to focus on their partner’s pleasure rather than their own.


By concentrating on the feedback a partner’s reactions are providing, a man shifts his focus from his own pleasurable sensations to those of his partners.


His thoughts are centered around listening to the feedback, and adjusting technique to get responses which signal a better experience for the partner.


For some men who need a specific objective, I encourage them to discover or learn one new thing about their partner’s sexual response or sensual preferences each time they engage in physical intimacy.


Having a clearly defined objective often provides that appropriate “distraction” to stay engaged longer.


Because he is no longer focused on his own physical sensations or his own increasing sexual response, he is able to last longer in bed.


It is beneficial to both individuals because it allows for more playtime, the partner is fully cared for, and the man learns more about his partner’s preferences, enjoying the partner’s experience until he is ready to return his attention to his own fulfillment.


Sureya Leonara

Sureya Leonara

Lasting longer in bed is about quality of presence, breath, and relaxation.


Contrary to popular advice to “think of something else,” cultivating stamina and a high-level of sexual mastery requires: tuning into the subtleties of how your sexual energy is moving, knowing where your edge is, and maintaining awareness to ride that edge without slipping over too soon.

If you’re in your head fantasizing during sex you’ll likely push over your edge faster or distract yourself from tracking your edge and disconnect from your lover.


Anything that takes you out of your body and into your head diminishes your presence and performance.

When approaching orgasm most men breathe shallow and rapidly which squeezes out sharp, short, explosive orgasms.


Slow, deep belly breathing calms the nervous system and relieves tension in the genitals which spreads pleasure throughout the entire body.


This supports greater stamina, deeper, longer orgasms and allows multiple full-body, non-ejaculatory orgasms to happen without a refractory period or loss of erection in between.


Dr. Stephanie Buehler – Learn Sex Therapy

Stephanie Buehler

One thing that rarely gets mentioned in regard to rapid ejaculation is the need to learn how to relax and tune in to one’s physical sensations and one’s partner’s sexual needs.


Becoming hyper-focused on lasting longer caused a man to lose his connection with the entirety of his body.


All he feels is the sensations in his genitals, instead of noticing all of the pleasurable things happening—the quickening of the pulse, the tensing of muscles, and the tautness of the skin.


He also loses his connection to his partner, who may complain that he is “selfish,” even though he is trying so hard to have longer intercourse.

There are different ways to learn relaxation, of course, but the easiest is to try regular deep breathing.


There are applications to remind you to breathe, and applications to help you regulate your breath. Deep breathing helps to calm both the body and the mind.


Then, when a man is having sex with their partner, they can use the breath to help regulate and slow things down.


Then they can pay attention to something besides his penis, and stay confident about having intercourse while they connect emotionally with their partner, instead of worrying about this being a distraction.


Rebecca Blanton – Love Letters To A Unicorn

Rebecca Blanton

Many people believe that the longer penetrative sex lasts, the better the sex must be. This belief is fostered by popular culture representations of “great sex” lasting “hours.”


However, when marriage and sex therapists were surveyed about what client reported was a satisfying or desirable length for penetration, the time ranged from seven to 13 minutes.


Many reported that people having as little as three minutes of penetrative sex reported it being adequate.


Additionally, more than a third reported that sex lasting more longer than 10 to 30 minutes was “too long.”

My question for people seeking to “last longer” in bed would be, “What is your motivation behind this desire?”


If the motivation is a belief that you just don’t last “long enough” or that lasting longer would make you better in bed, I would suggest you are looking for solutions in the wrong place.


If you and your partner(s) are enjoying the length of time you have penetrative sex, there is no need to increase you duration.

If you do not know if you partner(s) are enjoying the sex you are having, it’s time for an honest and open conversation about your sex life.

If your motivation for increasing your sexual stamina is because you are trying to help your partner reach orgasm and your current stamina does not lead them to climax, the duration may not be the issue.


For many women and people with vaginas, penetration alone will not lead to climax. Most folks with a vagina need stimulation of the clitoris, the nipples, or other erogenous zones to reach climax.


If your partner(s) have a penis, the slowness to climax may be due to discomfort (add lube! Go slow) or need for additional penial or ball stimulation.

If your motivation for increasing your sexual stamina is to prevent the end of the sexual encounter too soon, your climax does not need to signal the end of the encounter.


You have a mouth, fingers, and can introduce toys and other sexual stimuli to continue sex even after you have climaxed.

If you are among the approximate 4 percent of men who climax prematurely, you may want to consider various techniques for delaying orgasm.


To qualify medically as someone who experiences premature ejaculation, you must meet these criteria: climax within one minute, this has happened for at least six months, you find this distressing, and there are no other medical reasons for early ejaculation.

These techniques can be used by anyone seeking to increase sexual duration.


Edging is a technique any gender can use to help delay orgasm. This involves stimulating penis (or genitals) until you feel close to orgasm and then stopping.


Practicing this repeatedly can help some people delay orgasm. It is also very fun to engage in with a partner. Bring you partner close to orgasm and then stop.


Doing this repeatedly before climax can lead to enhanced orgasms for many people.


Hypnosis, either by a professional or learned with a partner, can help delay ejaculation. There are several prominent sex educators who regularly teach classes on hypnosis and how to use it for intimacy.


Take a few classes on hypnosis and sex. This can be a great option is you have a partner you trust to practice with.


Condoms are a tried-and-true technique for many men in delaying ejaculation. If you are not currently using condoms with a partner, discuss adding them to your intimate encounters.


The additional layer between you and a partner can lessen sensations and delay orgasm.

Amanda Lambros

Amanda Lambros

Sexual preferences matters to some but not all couples.


Understanding why you are in a relationship and whether that is an important component to you is first and foremost.


If it is, seek help from a sexologist to learn some skills to apply in the bedroom and level up your sexual prowess.


If you aren’t able to collaborate on your sexual preferences and it’s a non-negotiable for you, say goodbye and move on to your next partner.


Erin Dierickx – Erin D Therapy

Erin Dierickx

The Stop-Start and Squeeze techniques. While in bed, you or your partner can begin stimulating the penis with a dry hand, lightly and slowly. Do this until you have a firm erection.


When you start to get close to ejaculating, signal to your partner to pause stimulation or squeeze the penis.


This increases your awareness of when you are about to ejaculate and can start to build a tolerance to last longer the more this is done.

Take turns pleasuring each other.


Focus on each other one at a time in order to heighten your enjoyment of the pleasure and focus on the sensations. This is a form of mindfulness in bed.


It is a way for you to stay present and by taking turns, this helps you last longer due to pleasuring your partner while you are pausing your own stimulation.


This will continue to build your tolerance over time for lasting longer.

Get on the bottom. Men are physiologically more able to control their ejaculation when they are on the bottom rather than on top during sex.


Lachlan Brown – Hack Spirit

Lachlan Brown

My best advice for men who want to last longer in bed is to combine effective mental and physical techniques.


On the physical side I’d recommend pelvic floor exercises, healthy diet and reducing the amount of red meat you are eating.


On the mental side, I’d recommend taking things slow in the bedroom and appreciating every inch of your lover instead of going straight to the “main course.”


This will slow down the idea of sex as some kind of prize or being all about the climax.


In sex, as in life, it’s the journey that counts more than just the destination.


Renée Mayne

Renée Mayne

The easiest way for men to last longer in bed is to change the way they view sex, we put so much focus on foreplay and orgasm we forget the depth and fun that we can experience in the middle.


You see, subconsciously we know the orgasm feels amazing and we just want to get there! Especially for men because they are so goal oriented.

We have a natural desire to speed up when we get excited, but instead we need to slow down and come back to the breath.


Learn to tap into the energy of your body and you can redistribute the energy from beyond the penis and move it throughout the body.


The key is to not contract the muscles and relax the muscles, this opens us up to not only lasting longer in bed but better orgasms.


Be patient with it and it requires presence and it’s so worth it.


James Kelly – Ed Clinics

Premature ejaculation (PE) can often be a problem for men who have erectile dysfunction (PE).


Since an erection goes away after ejaculation, it can be difficult to know if the problem is PE or ED.

Erectile dysfunction affects over 66% of men at some point in their lives, and becomes more likely with age.


If you are experiencing both the symptoms of ED and PE, it’s important that you speak to your doctor about the ED first, as for 90% of men over 40, it can be a symptom of an underlying health condition, most commonly cardiovascular disease or diabetes.


Your doctor may suggest lifestyle changes, medication, or treatments like shockwave therapy for ED. Once you have treated the root cause of the ED, you may find that the symptoms of PE disappear.

One simple action you can take at home to combat both the symptoms of ED and PE is pelvic floor exercises. These train the muscles that keep blood in the penis, making maintaining an erection and delaying ejaculation much easier.


Pelvic floor exercises are simple, and the easiest ones can be performed sitting at a desk.


  • Tense your muscles around the lower base of your penis, as if you were trying to stop urinating.
  • Hold for five seconds.
  • Release.
  • Repeat for five sets of ten, twice a day.


Dr. Laura Meihofer

Laura Meihofer

As a pelvic floor physical therapist, I recommend two simple exercises to increase orgasm control.

1. The first exercise starts outside the bedroom.


Start by gently tightening your pelvic floor muscles as if you are stopping the flow of urine. You should feel a lift or squeeze around your penis or perineum.


Next, take a slow deep breath into your belly. Pay attention to your penis, testicles, and/or perineum as you should feel a slight drop with inhalation.


This is relaxation and lengthening of the pelvic floor muscles that control erection and orgasm. It is important that you feel and control these motions inside and outside the bedroom.


Practice these motions in your daily life but also when you engage in sex.

2. Becoming familiar with your arousal spectrum and learning to control your orgasm is essential to lasting longer in bed.


Consider your arousal spectrum to be a 10 point scale. 0 is the equivalent to no sexual arousal while 10 is maximum sexual arousal and/or orgasm.


As you spend time with yourself and/or your partner, practice working your way up the scale and how your body reacts at each number.


When trying to last longer in bed, the aim is to stay around a 6 – 8 on this scale.


As you approach 7-9 on the scale, communicate the need to change things up with your partner such as changing positions, rhythm, and stimulation style to bring it back down to 6-8.


Stephanie Wijkstrom – Counseling and Wellness Center

Stephanie Wijkstrom

If you are concerned about being an adequate lover and want to fulfill your partners sexual needs, you do not necessarily need to be able to offer 30 minute sex sessions.


It is a cruel joke by nature that women take up to 20 minutes to reach orgasm and up to 9 minutes to reach full arousal, but men can reach arousal in under a minute and orgasm in 2-5 minutes.


Any true renaissance man can bridge this gap to greater sexual intimacy by offering more foreplay.


Keep in mind, 20 minutes of foreplay is worth 5 minutes of penetrative sex. Let there be a long build up as the key to helping your partner achieve orgasm.


Edwina Caito – Bedbible

There are a few ways for a man to last longer in bed, however, it depends on how far he is willing to go in order to achieve that longevity.


Other than thinking about baseball or great-aunt Ethel, here are some helpful tips:

Go slow: Slowing things down by prolonging foreplay, taking small breaks for water then starting in lesser-exciting sexual positions.


For instance, if he climaxes more quickly in the doggy style position, try spooning or missionary first.

A little help from a toy: Erection rings are an easy and pleasurable way to last longer in bed.


An erection ring is placed at the base of the penis or around the shaft and testicles. This creates a stronger erection, makes the penis more sensitive and delays ejaculation making sex better for both partners.


Best yet, some erection rings come with built-in clitoral stimulators! Who knows, you may climax together!

Practice makes perfect: You would think that masturbation is counterproductive.


But masturbating earlier in the day, before sex, can actually help in delaying climax later.


Some men have found great success using Fleshlights made specifically for building endurance (Stamina Training Kits), as well as penis pumps and erection rings combined.


Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn – Luvbites

Tara Suwinyattichaiporn

Last longer in bed with sexual mindfulness and tantric sex practices
In my years of researching the key to maximum and sustainable sexual satisfaction I found that sexual mindfulness is the most promising contributing factor for men to last longer in bed.


Sexual mindfulness therapy is already being used to treat various sex concerns including sexual desires, erectile dysfunction, and other sexual functioning. Tantric sex is more on a spiritual than scientific path, but both are similar.

To last longer, I recommend sexual mindfulness and tantric sex practices such as sensual meditation and edging.


Use guided meditation and touch to do sensual meditation. Don’t pursue if you get an erection.


Edging is when you’re about to cum and you stop (whether you’re having sex or masturbating). These practices should help you last longer in bed!


Shari James

Shari James

Most men’s sexual encounters start with anxiety and end in an oops!

These men are then diagnosed with premature ejaculation as the problem. I see their problem as simply being a lack of education and training.

These guys may place the blame on the woman that they are with… she gets him too excited. Or they may place the blame on being uncircumcised.

But I see the problem as how you are training yourself. You must understand that each time you self pleasure, you are creating neural circuitry in your brain and laying down tracks that create a habitual response.


If self pleasure is a quick stress reliever then that is how you are programming yourself.

Slow down and take your time during self pleasure.


Because ejaculation is an involuntary response of the sympathetic nervous system you’ll want to combine masturbation with meditation by breathing deep, full and slow all the way down into your belly…this will put you in a state of relaxed arousal.

During self pleasure shift your context from “getting off” to preparing to be an amazing lover.


Carrie Leaf

Carrie Leaf

The reasons to why a man may struggle to last long in bed can be because of many different issues, but one general shift a man could try to work on would be to truly be present in the moment and noticing the details of the experience.


Particularly the details of their partners experience as opposed to their own.


When there is a shift from a physical experience alone to a spiritual level and a connection between partners, it is often an entirely different experience.


Dr. Joe Kort

Here is some advice to help men last longer in bed:


  1. Masturbate a few hours before you plan to have sex. This will help you last longer because the penis is desensitized. Unlike women, men need a longer refractory period – from a few minutes to a few hours.
  2. Use a Trojan Extended Pleasure condom. It contains a small amount of climax-control lubricant, which decreases sensitivity and slows down ejaculation.
  3. Try edging (intentionally stopping yourself right before the point of orgasm and then starting up again). It prolongs pleasure as well as the duration of sexual activity.
  4. Slow down. Focus on pleasuring your partner first and you last.
  5. Squeeze the head of your penis for 10 to 20 seconds if you feel you are ready to ejaculate. The pinching will reduce your erection and help you last longer.
  6. Try a penis sleeve. Some sleeves lessen sensation and help you last longer.
  7. If your partner is a woman, have her on top and facing away from you. This “reverse cowgirl” position allows the woman to stimulate her clitoris and climax before you.
  8. Use Trojan’s new Extended Pleasure benzocaine delay spray, an endurance enhancer that temporarily prolongs the time until ejaculation. Apply a small amount to the head and shaft of the penis before intercourse. It can be used with Trojan latex condoms.


Indigo Stray Conger – Choosing Therapy

Indigo Stray Conger

Practice lasting longer on your own, especially if you tend to masturbate to climax quickly.


Stimulate your penis as you typically would and then try to pause multiple times once you arrive at a high excitation point.


Learn to extend the period of excitation before release. This is called edging or orgasm control and it is the best way to learn how to improve performance during sexual activity.


Men who orgasm quickly often feel as if they have no control over the excitation process or when they orgasm.


However, climaxing quickly is usually the result of habit and can be overcome by paying attention to your body’s excitation cycle.


Amanda Pasciucco – Life Coaching and Therapy

Amanda Pasciucco

My best advice for men who want to last longer in bed is to notice the difference between penetrating a mouth, vagina, or anus vs that of a hand or a sex toy.


Solo sex is different than partnered sex. If you are having partnered sex, chances are the orifice you are penetrating feels different than that of your hand.


Be mindful and switch up your hand techniques.


Similarly, if that isn’t enough, be aware that using a condom is not something to be ashamed of. It helps many men last longer and therefore, I know men who decide to wear them for this reason.


Andrew Aaron – Help For Passion

Andrew Aaron

Most men want to be great lovers. For that purpose they wish to maintain erections as long as possible.


Strategies exist to succeed at that, but lasting longer is also possible by holding realistic expectations and eliminating some obstacles.


Confident men who know their feelings, who are able to relax and enjoy a quality emotional connection with their sexual partners will have greater success.


So eliminating anxiety, like the kind produced by worry about too-soon ejaculation, as well as internal pressure to perform promotes lasting longer. Sex is a very emotional activity!


How can I use my hammer to produce a butterfly? Many women do not orgasm from intercourse (though many fake it).


The hardest erection and the most vigorous thrusting still may not result in her orgasm because intercourse doesn’t provide clitoral stimulation. Being realistic about this is important.


Talk to your partner. To last longer it is best to be relaxed, playful and have fun during sex. To do so, stay out of your head (the big one, I mean). You may shift your attention to slow your pace towards ejaculation.


If you are getting too aroused, move your attention to away from the sensations that are most arousing, such as your penis and to a less arousing place or activity like caressing or kissing your partner.


Where your attention goes, there also will go your hot sexual energy. So if you are speeding to orgasm before the time is right, shift your attention to your breathing or other body sensations instead of the exciting action.


Requesting a change and reduction in stimulation from your partner at this time can help. When orgasm grows near before the right time, you will notice the heat in your pelvis and penis.


Through visualizing the hot energy flowing out of your pelvis and spreading throughout your body you will cool your pelvis, interrupting it from building to an explosion through ejaculation.


Getting good at lasting longer can help you be a better man in every part of your life.


Rachel Sommer – My Sex Toy

Rachel Sommer

While we can’t shun away from the excitement and adrenaline of quickies, sex should be, for the most time, enjoyed without time constraints.


Unfortunately, certain factors like age, disease, medication, and anxiety might lead to premature ejaculation.


So, here’s my best advice for lasting longer in bed: Train Your Pelvic Muscles Located just below your prostate, the pelvic floor is vital in sexual stamina training. Yes!


A 2005 study, among others, found that 3 in 4 men improved erectile function after Kegel exercises.


Strengthening the pelvic floor – pubococcygeal (PC) muscles help you control yourself during sex to withhold the urge to orgasm, thus delaying ejaculation.


And the best thing about it is just like every other muscle in your body, these muscles can be strengthened with regular exercise.


To work out the pelvic muscles, simulate the act of stopping yourself from peeing midstream or passing gas, and you’ll feel the muscles between your penis and rectum move.


You can also identify the pelvic floor muscles by trying to lift your balls without using your hands. You feel them. Don’t you?


And to tone the muscles:


  • Tighten the muscles – standing, sitting, or lying down.
  • Hold tight for 3 seconds before releasing for another 3 seconds.
  • Repeat as many times as needed – at least 10 reps a day. Kegel exercising combined with other tactics like switching positions, wearing the right condoms, and edging can make a great difference in your sex life.

Samantha Moss – Romantific

Samantha Moss

Since women take a longer time to orgasm, men need a lot of stamina to last longer in bed. As a dating and relationship expert, factors like inexperience, overstimulation, and anxiety may cause premature ejaculation in men.


However, these concerns can be addressed, and doing so can lead to happier, healthier sex life.

Take it slow. To help your partner last longer in bed, ask him to take things slow. This gives him enough time to stimulate you and slow down his ejaculation.


Pacing himself can also help, starting with slow thrusts that gradually increase into faster ones.

Change positions. Shifting positions requires you to take a break and slow down movements. It allows your body to cool down because it doesn’t get as much stimulation.


A great tip would be to switch to positions that don’t penetrate as deeply, giving you more time to last in bed.

Talk to your partner. Getting support from your partner is the best thing to do under the circumstances. Being open and honest can do a lot of good for your relationship, as well as improve intimacy.


Explain to your partner your desire to last longer, so that they can understand what’s happening.


Sarah Rose Bright

Sarah Rose Bright

Most men contract their bodies during arousal (whether clenching their buttocks, thighs etc) and amplify this even more hoping this will help them last longer in bed.


If you want to last longer, put your attention on relaxing and enjoying the pleasure in the moment rather than focusing on the goal of lasting longer.


Men can be worried that if they relax into their pleasure they will ejaculate more quickly however with practice they will find that it is in relaxation that their pleasure can expand and grow and they last longer.


This is best explored on your own at first.


Also, be mindful of your breath – is it shallow? are you holding your breath at times? Both are very common.


Take slower and fuller breaths  and make some sound, even if only on the exhale. It helps you to relax.


Kate Sloan – Girly Juice

Kate Sloan

Best advice for men who want to last longer in bed: Take a break and do something else.


The majority of people with vulvas don’t reach climax from penetration alone anyway, so if giving your partner pleasure is the goal, penetration isn’t always the right thing to focus on.


Try stopping what you’re doing and giving your partner oral sex for a while instead, or using your hands on them.


Michelle Devani – Love Devani

Michelle Devani

As a relationship expert, I understand it’s normal for guys to finish too fast every once and a while, however if you ejaculate during less than a minute of intercourse regularly then you may have a problem.

If you’re having trouble finishing so soon, seeking the help of your spouse might be really beneficial. To initiate, inform your spouse that you really want to attempt lasting longer and see if they are willing to take part.


Additionally, because hypersensitivity can cause sexual dysfunction, using a condom is a simple treatment that can help sex lasting longer.


The condom serves as a barrier around the penis, lessening orgasm and possibly causing ejaculation to be disrupted.


The pause-squeeze method also helps sex last longer, having sex till you feel like you’re about to get done. Then, for a second, pull out and squeeze the head of your penis, or until the urge to ejaculate subsides.


Finally, continue to have sex as needed while repeating the method. Thrusting aggressively produces orgasm in a short period of time.


Positions and styles that restrict your movements, such as having your spouse on top of you, can be beneficial since you won’t lose control and start thrusting too fast.


April Maccario – Ask April

April Maccario

It’s humiliating, it’s unexpected, and it turns what should be one of life’s greatest joys into one of life’s greatest disappointments, but as the founder of a dating website who understands relationships, it’s both frustrating and common among men.


There are several smart and healthy strategies to reduce your premature ejaculation and extend your time in bed.


The following tactics will boost your chances of being able to have longer sex sessions than you’re used to:

Seek assistance from your partner. This may help your partner understand your frustrations.


Once you’ve established a line of communication with your partner, you may talk about what causes your orgasm and try out some techniques.

Do pelvic floor exercises. Experts feel that if your pelvic floor muscles are too weak, delaying your ejaculation would be more difficult.


Act as if you’re attempting to stop yourself from peeing or passing gas to flex your pelvic floor muscles, and notice which muscles move.

Do the slower pace. Slow down as much as possible, then take frequent breaks to go even slower.


Thrusting frequently produces intense sensations and may increase your chances of orgasming after a short period.


Nikolina Jeric – 2Date4Love

Nikolina Jeric

Here are some tactics that can help men last longer in bed:

Practice Kegels exercises.


Unlike common opinion, Kegels exercises aren’t for women only – men also have pelvic floor muscles that can be built and straightened.


The point is – if your pelvic floor muscles are weak, you’ll have a hard time controlling premature ejaculation. If you work on building muscles in this area, you’ll have more control over your ejaculation and last longer in bed.


One way to practice Kegels exercises is to lay down and flex pelvic floor muscles for 3 seconds and relax them. Repeat this process a few times for maximum results

Try the cowgirl position.


If you haven’t tried, maybe it’s the right time to practice more the cowgirl position. The secret hides in the fact that women control the pace and thrust, allowing you to delay the orgasm.


Jackie Golob – Shameless Therapy

Jackie Golob

My best advice for men who want to last longer in bed is seek out a sex therapist for this work!


In sex therapy, that therapist is going to help with realistic expectations, correcting mythology of “lasting long,” incorporating bibliotherapy to read up on this topic from reputable sources.


Also, changing thoughts related to worrying about maintaining an erection, anxiety reduction techniques, focusing on communication skills with their partner(s), expanding sexual repertoire with various levels of desire and maintaining an erection, and exercises with their partner for sex therapy work.


There is no magic way to last longer in bed.


Another thing to look into is if there is something medically/biologically/genetically going on, and seeking out a doctor if this is the case.


30% of sexual disorders are medical and 70% is mental, so there’s got to be a both and approach.


Balancing out let’s check to see if there is something medically going on and mentally what’s getting in the way of maintaining an erection.


Have there been shameful messages? Unsupportive partners? Negative thoughts?


The best advice is to seek help from a sex therapist professional that specializes in this field and this is their niche to get the best support.


Marsha Jackson – FoxTail

Marsha Jackson

It’s no secret that many males find orgasm more easily than women.


That, along with the fact that premature ejaculation is the most common sexual illness in males under the age of 40, means you may find yourself unsatisfied after he’s done.


It’s a terrible bummer to discover his good times are ended before you’ve even begun.

Some people may discover that foreplay allows them to extend their sexual activity. These people may enjoy and please their spouse without having to worry about ejaculating too soon.


As a result, incorporating oral sex or manual stimulation into one’s sexual activities may be beneficial, especially if penetrative sex is unlikely to endure long enough for all partners to experience orgasm.

Exercises for the pelvic floor muscles supporting the bladder and facilitating ejaculation can be strengthened using Pelvic Floor Exercises.


When urinating, one can tighten up and stop the flow for 5–10 seconds before restarting. They should be able to progress to longer holds by performing this several times each day.

Premature ejaculation can be helped with medication, but doctors typically only do so when all other options have failed.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), a class of antidepressants, can alter the sexual function and make orgasm more difficult. As a result, SSRIs may assist in postponing ejaculation and extend a person’s lifespan.


Dr. William Kolbe Jr.

Dr. William Kolbe Jr.

Let’s start with Socrates; “Know yourself.”


Exploring our erogenous zones, engaging in sexual arousal, consciously gauging the sexual energy concentrating in our genitalia and flowing throughout the body, and ultimately practicing ‘edging orgasms’ are all means to lasting longer in bed.


‘Edging orgasms’ refers to getting to the threshold of having a full body orgasm but without passing over to the point of spasm and ejaculation.


A practical approach to edging orgasms is by exercising ‘sensate focus’, or focusing attention on the changing intensity of sexual neuromuscular euphoria and consciously controlling sexual stimulation.

In essence, ‘sensate focus’ is akin to ‘mindfulness’ with which we can develop the ability to exercise greater discipline of our sexual stimuli and responses.


An ideal means to practice lasting longer in bed is to practice ‘mindful masturbation’ or holistically exploring our erogenous zones and acknowledging what feels good or not.


This level of self-knowledge can make us better communicators and have more fulfilling partnered sex.


Our focus is not on rushing to orgasm but instead on generating and sustaining different levels of sexual pleasure.


Joel Flynn – Gentleman Zone

Joel Flynn

Sex is pretty much like any other physical activity. You get better at it when training. To get the best of you, train your pelvic floor muscles.


Exercises called kegels or kegel are series of different contraction and release sequences that ultimately and literally train and increase your sexual strength and ejaculation control.


Of course, going ahead with more complex sports, such as swimming, hugely benefits durability and stamina, too.


How long do kegels need to kick in, you’d ask? In my opinion, you should aim for at least a month.


Carmel Jones – The Big Fling

Carmel Jones

While there are products that men can try to last longer in bed, I have found that more organic techniques are the most effective.


Lasting longer is a mental challenge just as much as it is a physical challenge. That’s why I often don’t recommend techniques that require too much thought as it might take away from the pleasure of sex itself.


Men will read about edging or the squeeze technique. While those work, they are also very specific. Here are two of the easiest ways to last longer in bed:

Increase the amount of foreplay: Lasting longer in bed doesn’t have to mean just penetrative sex. “In bed” can refer to the sexual experience as a whole.


Increasing the amount of time you dedicate to foreplay or teasing your partner’s pleasure zones before penetrating will make their sexual experience last longer.


While it doesn’t technically keep you from ejaculating sooner, it lengthens the amount of time your partner receives pleasure before you ejaculate.

Masturbate before sex: Masturbating before sex is an easy thing you can do to help yourself last longer; however, it works better for older men. This is because men have a refractory period after they orgasm.


The younger the man, the shorter the period. It can range anywhere from 20 minutes to several hours. On average, it’s about 45 minutes to an hour.


So, if you masturbate less than an hour before you have sex, you will last longer in bed as your body will still be in that refractory period.


Rose Collette Aston – London Tantric

Rose Collette Aston

If you want to last longer in bed, you need to harness your sexual energy. That’s not easy if you haven’t been taught how to listen to your body.


You must develop a greater awareness of the physical and mental triggers that lead you to orgasm — the only way to learn about these is by paying close attention to the things that stimulate your body and mind when you’re experiencing genuine intimacy.


Only then will you be able to gain greater control of your unconscious urges.

Through tantric massage, you’ll learn everything you need to know about how your body responds to erotic, intensely pleasurable triggers.


With the help of a professional masseuse — preferably a qualified massage therapist trained in the ancient art of tantra — you’ll be taught how to channel your sexual energies.


This can help you access incredible, other-worldly pleasures without finishing before your partner.

By making yourself more aware of what turns you on, you’ll acquire greater control of your body and mind to have sex for longer.


The most important thing is that you still experience sensual pleasure that can be enjoyed long before a final, blissful release.


Lacie Mae Gabor

Lacie Mae Gabor

Staying power in bed is a struggle for many men. The good news is there are several things men can do to help themselves last longer.


One of the easiest ways is to purchase thicker condoms which decrease sensitivity.


Waiting until your partner is begging for sex before inserting yourself is key.


The woman will be close to achieving an orgasm due to her high level of arousal and you will (hopefully) be able to last long enough during penetration to ensure she achieves an orgasm.


Less stimulating foreplay and sexual positions will also help. If you know you’re easily aroused, then spend the majority of your foreplay pleasuring your partner.


Change things up before you get too turned on. Turn the attention back to her and make sure she’s turned on since women typically require more foreplay.


Finally, working on your mind game is essential. Men who are able to distract themselves with other thoughts and decrease their arousal, are able to last longer.


So, the next time you’re about to have sex and want to make sure you can go the distance, try implementing some of the above strategies!


Paul J Hunter – Cork Hypnosis Clinic

Paul J Hunter

The number one tip I would have for guys to help them last longer in bed is to improve their level of self love and self esteem.


Sex can become like a judgement to a lot of guys if they wonder if are they good enough or do they measure up to their partners last partner.


We are constantly unconsciously looking for signs that our partner is enjoying it.


The moment a guy spots a reaction that’s less that might be expected, if he has a self esteem problem, he can self criticize and negatively impact his performance.


Confidence and self belief are key to good sexual performance.


Robert Thomas – Sextopedia

Robert Thomas

The more pressure you put on yourself to perform well in bed, the sooner you will actually ejaculate. Being anxious about lasting long is precisely what will make you orgasm quicker.


So, going into sex with a relaxed and confident mindset will surely have an impact on your performance in bed.


You can also try edging – stopping physical stimulus to your penis just as you’re about to orgasm.


While masturbating, be very aware of how close to orgasm you are, and stop right before you’re reaching an orgasm. Let your arousal go down for about 10 seconds, and then start masturbating again.


Do this several times during your masturbation session. You can transfer this to actual sex by stopping when you think you’re about to reach an orgasm.


Instead, try giving oral sex to your partner, or simply switch up positions. This will surely be a game changer for you to last longer in bed!


Thank you to all the experts that have contributed to this expert roundup! If you enjoyed reading this post then please share it with your friends and followers on social media.


About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). And an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

sexual incompatibility

Sexual Incompatibility – 40 Sex Experts Share Their Advice

Sexual Incompatibility – 40 Sex Experts Share Their Advice


It’s an issue that you both face not only your partner. You must fix it together because otherwise, it may lead to a life of frustration or to a breakup.

One problem that you may have is the frequency of sex. Maybe you want to have sex every day, or more than once a day, while your partner is happy to have sex once per week.

Perhaps you want to experiment with some kinks and fetishes but your partner looks down on such wishes considering them “wired”.

Or maybe your deepest fantasy is to have a threesome but your partner doesn’t even want to consider the idea.

There are many more situations in which a couple may not share the same needs or desires.

If you are committed to save the relationship, then you should wait for the problem to disappear. That’s not going to happen.

The best thing you can do is to get professional help.

Before you pay for an expensive consultation with a sex therapist, you should read this article. We reached out to 40 sex therapists, marriage counselors and sex experts and asked them to reply to the following question:

How can a couple improve their relationship if they

have sexual incompatibility?

We received amazing answers with lots of useful tips that you can try right away. Keep reading to see what the experts recommend.

Sameera Sullivan


Meet it, then beat it..

I’ve noticed my own clients having sex on the first date – or maybe the fourth maximum. I’m not one to slut-shame anyone here, but I am one who can recognize you often need emotional intimacy before you can get down and dirty.

Especially for women, orgasms are difficult since they’re more of a mental barrier than a physical one. Grab an interesting activity together.

My clients used a ‘Paint Your Canvas, Your Way’ activity – where they sensually rubbed (edible and non-toxic!) paint all over each other and then after about an hour of this foreplay, allowed themselves to proceed further. And yes, they still thank me for that recommendation.

A little foreplay never killed nobody.

Can’t seem to settle on what to do? Try something new entirely! That way, neither one of you ends up upset or unsatisfied.

Remember all those other things you both talked about trying, but were too shy or just never got around to it?

Well, bust out that checklist and strap on (literally, if that’s what you’re into!) for an all-new adventure that leaves you both out-of-breath.

Go slow or go fast?

The age-old question. I can never give a definitive answer for either side, if I’m honest. Sex is deeply personal, and it varies with each partner. Mix. it. up.

Don’t be afraid to dip your feet into either side, slowly, and then perhaps all at once – or the other way around, if that’s what you prefer. My bottom line is always: don’t knock it till you try it.

There’s a lot more to your relationship than your dilemma over sexual preferences – so, don’t hold back and see what else is out there for you both!

Diana Wiley – Dear Dr. Diana


Sometimes a couple may focus on an obvious sexual incompatibility, such as kink vs. vanilla, and this can lead to an impasse.

I recommend to my clients that instead, they find out what sexual activities they are both open to experience, and then explore those together.

Sometimes that exploration can lead to the discovery of unexpected mutual interests (“Hey, who knew we both would like spanking and fantasy role play?”).

More openness to trying new things can foster more experimentation, and that can lead to increased flexibility in what one partner might be willing to try.

Dainis Graveris – Sexual Alpha


It all starts with communication. Find time to talk to your partner about your sexual relationship (or your relationship as a whole).

Make it a weekly or biweekly thing to discuss your feelings. Checking in helps couples share their sexual preferences, expectations, then work toward finding a balance.

As much as possible, talk without blaming each other. Keep an open mind and be patient.

When discussions around sex lead to arguments or are unproductive, or if one partner shuts the topic down, it’s best to speak with a licensed sex therapist.

Seek professional help from someone who has experience helping partners talk about intimacy issues.

Issues surrounding sexual incompatibility tend to be complicated, painful, and full of emotions. However, when you have a third person in the room, communication becomes much more productive.

Aside from talking about sex, change the way you think about it. Hard work and effort from both partners could lead to sexual satisfaction.

Individuals who think this way experience higher satisfaction inside and outside of the bedroom than those who are all about finding the right partner.

Be willing to discuss and explore all sorts of physical and erotic sexuality with each other. Even if you have incompatible sexual preferences right now, who knows what new things you’ll discover when your sexual experiences overlap?

Getting out of your comfort zone may be challenging, but your efforts may be worth it in the end. Like checking in with your partner weekly, set a time to share ideas on some fun stuff and activities you can try together.

Come up with an agreement too that you or your partner shouldn’t make fun or put down the other with the sexual kink that you want to explore.

While doing something for your partner is a nice gesture, make sure that you aren’t doing something you feel bad about or are against your will.

Being sexual together can be a great way to move toward a different route of your sexual relationship.

Of course, you can also make compromises on sex as long as you feel fine about your compromises.

For example, make a weekly sexual date that alternates between your partner’s and your sexual interests.

Agree upon a safe word if one of you feels turned off or uncomfortable with what you’re doing.

Jessica O’Reilly – Sex With Dr Jess


Sexual compatibility is not something you stumble upon perchance. It can be cultivated with communication, effort and understanding.

This means that regardless of how compatible you are today, you can work to become more compatible in the future — if you’re willing to put in the effort to do so.

This, of course, doesn’t mean that you’re compatible with everyone — some issues make compatibility extremely difficult or impossible.

For example, if you want a monogamous relationship and your partner is consensually non-monogamous, it may be difficult to cultivate compatibility.

In order to cultivate compatibility, it can be useful to discuss your needs, desires and boundaries in detail. You can consider the following prompts to do so:

  • What does sex mean to you?
  • What are the emotional components of sex that are important to you?
  • What are the physical components of sex that are important to you?
  • What are the practical components of sex that are important to you?
  • What are the relational components of sex that are important to you?
  • What are the spiritual components of sex that are important to you?
  • What types of sex do you enjoy?
  • What were your early memories of arousal and pleasure? How do these affect the way you view sex today?
  • What holds you back when it comes to sex?
  • How do you want to feel before, during and after sex?
  • What do you fantasize about? What parts of your fantasies do you want to share/explore?
  • How often do you like to have sex (with a partner)?

Dr. Stephanie Buehler – Learn Sex Therapy


The kinky partner needs to get to the root of their sexual needs and negotiate with their partner how to get them met in a way that works for you both.

For example, if they want to spank their partner, maybe it means that they want them to submit to them.

They can ask their partner if there is a way that they would be comfortable showing submission without being spanked. Maybe they would be okay being blindfolded or having their wrists tied.

Another way that has worked for many couples is to negotiate a ratio of kinky to vanilla sex, so for every time they have kinky sex, they have vanilla sex twice, or vice versa.

Some couples with different interests will agree to open up the relationship. Sometimes a kinky partner gets a hall pass to have kinky sex with someone else, or they begin another relationship and develop a polyamorous arrangement.

Anya Laeta – Sf Sex Coaching


As a sex coach, I see many people thinking they are incompatible because their idea of sex is very narrow.

Ideally, if your sexual preferences are misaligned, you can still find things that each of you can do for each other at least once in a while. It will be easier to do by expanding your definition of sex.

If your partner is not open to talking, reading, exploring different options, or seeking out help from a sex coach or sex therapist, you can try using fantasy to merge your preferential gap.

This way, the partner who is into edgier play can still get their needs at least partially met by imagining it while engaging in sex that their spouse likes.

Court Vox – The Body Vox


Traditional therapists will tell you that being in relationship comes with compromise. I personally hate that concept and that word, as I don’t like to compromise my desires, and the fact is if a desire is deep rooted enough, one will move mountains to get it, live it, and experience it.

SO, I much prefer the concept of meeting your partner in their desires.

For someone who is into Vanilla sex, they may discover there are dynamics in kink or D/S (i.e. domination and submission) play that appeal to them enough, and they are willing to play in that space for their partner.

The pleasure of their partner becomes their pleasure, and vice versa for the kinkster who is willing to meet their partner in more sensual play.

If lovers can come to an agreement that connection, presence, and awareness are the common intentions in their sex lives, the type of play and the containers that hold these intentions can shift and vary with more ease.

Another option is to “eat out” or “outsource”. So your partner loves a good flogging or likes to get pegged and you are unwilling to do both. Within boundaries, you can support them in fulfilling this desire elsewhere with someone else.

It might feel safer for them to meet with a sex worker for this, or to have a f++k buddy that satiates this need in them, or maybe they are able to play when they are out of town.

As a couple/partnership you get to make the rules and create the boundaries that feel safe enough for everyone.

Nina Rubin – After Deafeat


Communication is key to sexual compatibility. Sometimes one partner is more experienced or has kinkier ideas/fantasies. The other partner may not know where to start in order to leave their comfort zones.

In these cases, it’s important to talk without judgment or domination and do a lot of listening.

Doing all sexual acts with consent is key.

Finding out where the line is and working gently and slowly up to it.

Talking about how it was.

Stopping at any time for whatever reason without being mad.

Convincing your partner, begging, or dominating the conversation to sway them in one direction is not going to be helpful. Your partner may feel pressured.

Instead, ask when a good time to talk about this is, and express your desires of wanting to enjoy new sexual acts together.

Sometimes seeing a relationship coach or therapist can be helpful to start these conversations.

Go to a sexual products store together and talk to a clerk. Most of the time, the people who work there are knowledgeable and helpful.

Often they offer classes (pleasure chest in Los Angeles) and can help couples become more familiar with safety and comfort leading up to certain sexual acts.

Dr. Talal H. Alsaleem – The Infidelity Counseling Center


Sexual Incompatibility

Sexual incompatibility is one of the leading relationship factors that can cause sexual affairs. This is why it’s crucial for couples to identify and address these issues whenever they become apparent.

Oftentimes, compatibility is confused with sameness. I conceptualize sexual compatibility as the couple’s ability to have healthy compromises that allow for fulfilling their sexual desires despite their differences.

I always give the analogy of language.

Two people with completely different languages can find a way to have meaning and effective interactions if they can learn to be bilingual rather than abandoning their native tongue and assimilating into a language that is completely different and foreign to them.

In order for this to happen, both partners need to have a clear idea of their sexual identity and preferences and the ability to communicate about it directly and effectively.

Once that is achieved, the couple must determine whether or not those desires are healthy vs. pathological, and it’s important to note that different doesn’t mean pathological. Sexual pathology is defined by very specific clinical criteria.

Once it’s determined that those sexual desires are healthy yet different, the couple needs to negotiate the parameters of what would allow for the fulfillment of those desires without causing distress or harm.

They should distinguish the difference between “going out of my comfort zone by doing something that is not my cup of tea vs. doing something that would cause me physical or emotional harm.”

Exploration and Discovery

It’s important to see this as a process of exploration and discovery which lends itself to learning and making corrections.

Exploration and discovery are processes that take time which warrants the need for being methodical and strategic about trying out new things.

In other words, if you want to be successful, don’t jump into the deep end of the pool right away.

First, talk about it, research it, and find reasonable small steps to work toward it.

Rules and Boundaries

Lastly, clear rules and boundaries are a must, and those boundaries must be honored to ensure safety. It’s also important to treat this endeavor as an exciting opportunity to grow together through learning about one another’s sexuality.

Nikolina Jeric – 2Date4Love


Here are some ways sexually incompatible partners can do to improve their relationship:

Consider going to therapy.

Problems in the bedroom aren’t just physical in their nature. It happens that partners just have some psychological obstacles they need to overcome to improve their relationship.

However, the journey to resolution might be trickier than you might think and a visit to a trusted professional might help.

Free your mind, and the rest will follow.

Sometimes partners have strict visions of how sex should look like and they’re too afraid to try something new.

If your partner has a difficult time trying out new things, maybe they need to loosen up a bit. Try with small things at first, and one step at a time. Watch porn together, have longer foreplay, and introduce new things gradually, so it doesn’t come as a great shock.

Try an open relationship.

If you think there’s no cure to your sex life with your partner, but you want to stay together, maybe you should try having an open relationship.

They’re hard by default, but they do work for many people. Having other partners who’d be more eager to explore the things you find interesting will help you get the pressure off the relationship you have.

Audrey Hope – Ask Audrey Now


If you and your partner are having different sexual appetites in the bedroom- then you have to compromise to make it work. This means you make a plan to include all flavors of sexual activity- vanilla and spice.

It might seem difficult to do what is out of your comfort zone, but it is always beneficial to break out of your pattern. If you are kinky, it can be good to have plain vanilla and learn about another kind of intimacy.

If you’ve only done vanilla, it can be good to try something new and change the routine.

The important thing is that you both are grounded in love and the willingness to please each other. Talk about it with your partner, negotiate and plan nights where you can have your preference and they could have theirs.

Branching out sexually is good for opening the heart, letting your relationship grow and become stronger. CHANGE IT UP- the soul will benefit from crashing down walls.

Darren Pierre – The Invitation To Love


I believe that relationships are built on communication and trust – with intimate partnerships, I see no difference.

When navigating sexual relationships with a significant other, I believe it is not only appropriate but also something to be celebrated to call into consideration how physical intimacy is (or is not) satisfying your needs.

To come into the conversation clear of judgments (of your partner and more importantly yourself) are crucial first steps in improving the dynamics within a sexual relationship.

Joel Flynn – Gentleman Zone


Don’t put your kink cards off the table for too long. It won’t grow easier to talk about it over time.

Instead, you’ll feel increasingly strange for suddenly bringing it up, and you’ll both become more sexually dissatisfied in the meantime.

The most important thing is to be willing to talk. Communication acts as if a switch was flipped, and one might become a completely new person sexually.

The person who thought anal was gross and had no interest in role-playing or BDSM at all surprised me by building a dungeon in our basement while I was away.

The goal is to keep trying different toys, scenarios, and twists.

Leah Carey – Good Girls Talk


For instance, if a partner who wants kink play is with a partner who wants only vanilla play, conversations can be had around whether the ‘vanilla’ partner is willing to let their partner seek kink outside the relationship. If so, under what conditions?

Perhaps they agree the kinky partner will visit a sex worker to reduce the likelihood of romantic entanglements. Or perhaps they agree that the kinky partner can go to kinky public events as long as they don’t participate in any penetrative activities.

The most important part of these negotiations is that both partners are invested in their partner’s happiness and fulfillment. That doesn’t mean that they give in to everything their partner wants, rather they consider their partner’s wants, needs and desires to be valid and reasonable – no matter how tame or extreme they may judge them to be.

Whatever the boundaries are, they need to be clear, defined, and agreeable to both partners. Any time someone feels like they’ve been forced into a situation they didn’t choose, resentment will fester.

Dr. Joe Kort


First, and most important, couples must have a conversation about their sexual preferences – and the earlier the better. It would be ideal if they had this conversation at the very beginning of their relationship, but sadly, most couples wait too long.

One partner says “yes” to something they wish to do sexually, and one partner says “no,” and wants the other person to respect their boundaries, however, the partner who still wants the sexual act should be able to have their sexual pleasures met, too.

So, where do you begin when one wants one type of sex only and the other wants to try many flavors?

First, start the conversation about what you like and don’t like and get it all out in the open.

The next step can be reading and/or watching erotica together and then begin fantasizing about the two of you in “erotica” together.

You also can talk about bringing in another person who is agreeable to more adventurous sex.

Take these steps slowly and carefully, examining each person’s desires, and try to problem-solve together honestly and openly.

If you find that, even after taking these steps, your sexual preferences still are not compatible and you have found no common ground, you may want to consider letting go of the relationship. You may not be with the right partner for you.

And yes, it is okay to end a relationship over sexual preferences. It is part of your identity. You don’t want to force your partner and you also don’t want to be caged.

Rebecca Blanton – Love Letters To A Unicorn


When a couple have different sexual desires andneeds, open communication and negotiation are the keys to making the relationship work.

For the partner who enjoys vanilla sex, they need to beclear about what they need for fulfilling intimacy. The vanilla partner should expressissues they have with the desired BDSM activities.

For the partner into BDSM, be clear about what your desires are and what you get out of the kink activities.

Sexual behaviors meet needs beyond the physical:psychological intimacy, emotional connection, and power exchange.

People whoengage in BDSM often enjoy the power play, the ability to be vulnerable, andthe physical intensity.

Likewise, is the dislike of the kink activity because the person sees it a humiliating, reminiscent of abuse they experienced, or arethey just unfamiliar.

The more both partners can communicate about their, the more space they have for negotiation. Every sexual activity has a spectrumfrom simple/easy to complex.

If partners are not on the same page initially, they can negotiate about engaging in parts of the activities they enjoy or findmutual new activities which meet both physical and psychological needs ofintimacy.

Dr. Sheva Assar


Effective and strong communication skills are necessary for any successful and fulfilling relationship, especially an intimate relationship.

Openly and nonjudgmentally discussing our sexual preferences, desires, expectations, and boundaries with our partner is just as important as discussing any other aspect of the relationship that is impacting one or both individuals.

Open communication starts with being clear on what you are sexually wanting within your relationship, your limits, and what feels safe and comfortable for you to share with your partner.

When communicating your needs, consider focusing solely on your own experience, rather than focusing on what you think the other person may want to hear.

A helpful skill is utilizing the “I feel” statement format to express one’s emotional reactions and needs, which can help reduce any defensiveness or discomfort the other person may be feeling.

It’s important to also consider if your preferences/desires are connected to an emotional need of yours, which can help your partner more deeply understand your experience and allow for greater emotional connection.

Effective communication is also being open to your partner’s responses, experiences, and reactions, and demonstrating a willingness to engage in dialogue as it feels safe and comfortable for both people.

Maj Wismann – Web Sexolog


I would ask the couple to focus on the times they felt good intimacy together and see where they could be a match.

It is normal to have different preferences – but sometimes the different preferences in bed get so problematic, that the couple forgets to look at all the things that actually work.

They could also focus on sensuality and eroticism and see if there could be new ways and paths they could walk together to create an “us”-erotic-love map.

Claudia Cox – Text Weapon


Communication is always important in relationships, but in situations like this, it’s key.

Even if you find it difficult to talk to your partner about sex, you need to share your desires. If you want to introduce more kink, explain what you mean. Spanking? Sex toys? Dirty talk?

Using a word like kink or rough sex might be intimidating, but when you break it down to specifics, it’s easier for them to digest.

Once you have gotten the conversation flowing, ask them what they would be comfortable with. Starting a dialog can open up the door to new possibilities.

You never know until you ask. Sometimes just bringing up the subject and talking it through can be a turn-on.

The key is to understand their hard limits and then respect them. Be patient. Something that starts out vanilla could turn into something adventurous…even for you.

Marsha Jackson – FoxTail


Love and sex are not the same, yet they all contribute to our sexual identity. We can only define our sexuality, yet many words are perplexing.

“Sexual compatibility” is one word used in many ways, but what does it mean to you?

In a relationship, physical compatibility is vital, and your bodily demands need to be addressed.

However, some of the couples do not have physical compatibility, and others cannot talk about and fully work on their physical requirements.

In a long-term relationship with low sexual compatibility, it is difficult to adjust and be happy. A flawless future relationship is not a given; however, the repercussions of every decision you make are entirely up to you.

If you’re dedicated, good dialogue and collaboration with your partner towards a common objective would be the finest strategy to handle this problem.

Frequently, couples are dissatisfied with the quantity and quality of intimacy they have with their partner. Couples frequently begin to feel a spiritual, emotional, and bodily disconnect from a loved one.

As the months and years pass, we may begin to feel exploited or taken for granted. Even the most experienced couples find it difficult to talk about sexual intimacy.

It’s generally considered “forbidden,” but after years of working with couples in therapy, it’s even more taboo to be sexually dissatisfied.

Lachlan Brown – Hack Spirit


Sex is an important part of any relationship, but sexual preferences don’t always match. The best way to improve your sexual connection if you’re on different pages is two-fold.

1. Communicate

Your partner can’t know what you like if you don’t tell them. If it’s not their thing that’s OK. Don’t be weird or pushy about it but see if they’d be willing to try something new.

2. Compromise

If you each like different things then do your best to compromise. I’ll guarantee there will be at least some overlap between your desires and that the compromises won’t hurt too badly if the overall chemistry is strong!

Dr. Robin Buckley


Sexually incompatible couples can use an “A, B, Z” list strategy to attempt to find commonalities or compromises in their disparate sexual preferences.

The “A” list includes physical intimacies or affection both individuals enjoy and want to continue in their sex life, or sexual activities both are excited to explore. The “B” list are sexual activities that can fall into a few categories:

· something one individual wants to try and the other is open to trying,

· something the couple has tried once and aren’t sure if they like it or not and want to revisit,

· something the couple or one individual has heard about and both are willing to try.

The “Z” list are sexual activities that neither member of the couple wants to try. This is important to discuss because it allows for the identification of similarities based on mutual dislike, rather than the more frequent tendency to focus on differences which create a divide in the relationship.

The lists are dynamic in that items can move among the lists as the couple tries new things or learns about new options. It also acts as a tool to encourage open discussion within the relationship about physical intimacy as the couple adds to or changes the lists.

Dr. David Rakofsky – Wellington Counseling Group


In any relationship, communication is key. Unfortunately, many couples neglect to effectively communicate their issues with one another when it comes to sex.

However, if you find that your sexual preferences are not compatible, then speak to one another about it. Just remember to be sensitive to each other’s needs and to listen to what the other person is saying.

Some individuals may struggle to talk openly and honestly about sex. Others may become defensive and uncomfortable when discussing the subject.

If you encounter difficulties when trying to discuss your sexual preferences, then it’s best to seek out a sex therapist, a couples counselor, or another mental health professional for help.

Their personalized and professional guidance will help you talk openly about sex and get to the root of your relationship problems.

Jackie Golob – Shameless Therapy

Couples can improve sexual preferences by seeking help from a sex therapist to navigate preferences and negotiations.

Preferences meaning, let’s run through yes, no, maybe checklists, because not everyone is 100% vanilla sex lovers or 100% kinky.

It’s important to determine that sexuality isn’t dualistic and the importance of exploration or curiosity. There, sex therapy can also dive into turn-ons/offs, fantasies, role-playing, and experimentation.

If one partner is saying nope no kinky sex ever, and the other person loves kinky sex so much that it’s a part of their sexuality, then can we negotiate.

Are there ways to practice ethical non-monogamy with a play partner. This way the person who loves kinky sex isn’t sacrificing their sexual pleasure or a part of them that is so deep and satisfying.

If the other partner doesn’t understand, then it can be important to process this with a sex therapist to navigate sex in the relationship to come up with a compromise.

Lots of times there also desire discrepancies that need to be taken into consideration as well.

Peter Cellarius – Your Growth Counseling


How do you know whether your sexual preferences are compatible?

Well, it’s more about similar erotic turn-ons (and turn-offs), preferences for tried-and-true versus experimentation, shared fantasies, and some alignment on what frequency meets each person’s wants.

That’s great, but what do you do if you miss your partner in one or more of these? How can you improve your relationship, despite differences?

Step one is – stop guessing and start talking. It can be awkward and scary to even talk about sex in a relationship. But here is why it matters.

Happy couples will say that 15-20% of their happiness comes from their sex life. But for unhappy couples, they will say over 50% of their unhappiness comes from their sex life.

Not only that, but a key driver in satisfaction is how each person rates their partner’s ability to communicate, with a more positive rating leading to greater emotional and sexual intimacy.

So in other words – if your partner communicates well about your sexual life, you will already feel more satisfied and compatible.

There is even research that shows that sexual self-disclosure may prevent a decline in sexual satisfaction over time in long-term committed couples.

How do we start, you ask? Sometimes a structured exercise can get you started. A gentle one is called Fishbowl. Here is a dramatization –  you start with 100 questions in a bowl.

Take turns pulling out a question and answering it. And see what happens! You may surprise yourself by finding it is not so scary, and maybe even fun.

From here, it will be easier to say – “shall we talk about our sex life some more?” Good luck!

Chris Pleines – Dating Scout


Compromise but take things slow

Couples who are incompatible when it comes to sexual preferences should find a middle ground and work their way to meet each other’s needs somehow. Taking things slow is the key here.

For instance, if the other partner is into kink, they can start with kinks that are beginner-friendly and won’t take too much pressure such as blindfolding or a little rope-tying action.

Of course, you shouldn’t force your partner into things that are too uncomfortable. Take it one step at a time – eventually, you’ll both find the sweet spot of enjoying each other’s sexual preferences.

Be open to new things

Familiarity is often the more comfortable choice but a couple’s mindset should always be about change. B

e open to new things and let your relationship grow with these changes. This includes being open to trying new things outside your comfort zone in the sex department.

It does not hurt to experiment as a couple. Aside from exposing you to wonderful experiences, you will have something to look forward to together and actually helps keep the spark alive in the relationship.

You don’t need to go extreme; small baby steps are perfect as long as you both consent to it and enjoy what you are doing.

Katie Lasson – Peaches and Screams


Do differences in sexual needs always mean relationship failure? Not at all. But the couple must be willing to engage in a fair conversation and accept compromises.

Both sides need to work to find a common language and agree on the best solution.

The focus should be on how sexual intimacy helps and is valuable in the relationship, not on what each person’s individual needs are.

You probably aren’t too surprised by the importance of strong communication in sex life.

Sex can be a sensitive topic, especially if the partners do not feel harmony, but it is still important to express your thoughts.

I encourage my clients to pay attention to the ways in which their needs and insecurities are expressed.

Talk more about your feelings about sex and intimacy. If you communicate respectfully, you will be better able to understand the issue.

As long as you are able to express your views openly and really listen to your partner without blaming or embarrassing them, this aspect should not lead to the termination of the relationship.

Differences in sexuality can only lead to a break-up if you are unable to communicate effectively on the subject and get stuck in a situation where one or both partners are in a defensive position, feel hurt, or have unfounded expectations.

Robyn Dalzen


First of all, it’s important to note that it’s not uncommon for couples to have different sexual preferences. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong.

In fact, it can add a healthy dose of sexual tension. I suggest a practice of taking turns for my clients where each person has time and space to explore their desires.

How it looks in practice: decide together how much time to spend in this experimental container – 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours…and each person will have half that time for their turn. When it’s your turn, you get to ask for whatever you want.

Bring your desires forward, while respecting the limits of your partner. You might ask your partner, ‘will you spank me?’ or, ‘can I spank you?’ or, ‘can I pull your hair?’ Notice what sounds great to you at the moment.

Make the request and give your partner space to respond with a yes or no, or to ask for more information. If it’s a no, move on to another request. If it’s a yes, you get to do the action and then make another request. When the time is up, say ‘thank you’ and switch roles.

Now it’s your partner’s turn to ask for what they want. They might ask to be cuddled, or for soft strokes down their back, or for you to tell them five things you love about them. It’s their turn to put their desires forward.

Your job is to pay attention to your limits – are you willing to give them this gift? It may not be what you would ask for, but can you set aside what you want for this time to allow them to find what feels great for them? When the time is up, say ‘you’re welcome’ and close your container.

Amanda Pasciucco – Life Coaching and Therapy


To overcome sexual incompatibility I would use Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent with that couple and see if we can find common ground.

Maybe one enjoys vanilla sex and one enjoys kinky sex, yet can we find a collaboration in both of them engaging in tantric sex?

This is different than either, yet incredibly pleasurable for those who enjoy long-term partnered sex especially for a couple that is planning on staying monogamously faithful.

Some would also say that they can engage in their preferences during solo sex, yet try to go back and forth each partnered sex time with vanilla sex to kinky sex, so that each of them has their desires met.

Lori Ann Kret – Aspen Relationship Institute


The most amazing, mind-blowing sex you can have is with a long-term committed partner, and it has nothing to do with positions or styles.

True sexual ecstasy is created by being with someone who knows you and loves you deeply. If a couple has that foundation, then there should be enough trust and safety for each partner to explore their desires and boundaries.

Being curious and finding a middle ground starts with identifying the stories they have about sex. Often we think “This is just the way I am..” without recognizing all of the factors throughout our lives that have influenced us to land in this place.

Family culture, religion, societal messages, and early sexual experiences can lock us into certain sexual beliefs and patterns.

When we understand these influences, we’re more empowered to see what else might be true or possible for us in the bedroom. But without taking this step, partners may try to compromise simply for the sake of their partner, creating the potential for more friction, dissatisfaction, and resentment.

Erica Caparelli – A Good Place Therapy

I have found that if couples are not compatible in their sexual interests, this is not a deal breaker! There are many ways that couples can find a way to connect intimately while also having differing sexual needs.

My first suggestion would be for the couple to try to find a middle ground: are there any kinky activities, for example, that are more vanilla-leaning that the vanilla partner would be willing to try out for the kinky partner that is within their limits?

If there is absolutely no middle ground, I would suggest that the couple outsource! This is a suggestion that often scares couples, but there is so much information about how opening a relationship can actually bring partners closer together because of the communication and trust required.

For example, if one partner really wants a dominant partner, but their partner is submissive, the couple can seek out a dominant sex partner for the kinky partner.

They can search together trying to find a good match, while discussing boundaries, wants, and goals, etc–which actually increases their intimacy.

If this isn’t something they’re open to, they could also try non-sexual intimacy exercises focused on emotions and general touch.

Rachel Sommer – My Sex Toy Guide


Having a good sex life is often overlooked by most people. And while it’s an important aspect of a healthy relationship, it’s not always there. Disregarded sexual incompatibility can lead to a sexless marriage or, even worse, lead partners into infidelity.

So, what do you do if your partner doesn’t share the same sexual preferences as you?

The most important remedy is to communicate your sexual needs and desires with your partner. Pick the place and time and have an honest conversation. This way, you can understand each other’s situation, and most importantly, negotiate a compromise frequency.

For instance, if you love bondage and kink and they don’t, you can agree to introduce kink to sex every once in a while so that both parties are happy.

Other interventions might include scheduling sex dates and talking to a sex therapist to help you understand and treat underlying reasons in severe cases.

Gill Jackson Counselling

Sometimes we meet the person of our dreams- they’re smart, funny, have great taste in music and food and you get on brilliantly but something isn’t quite right in the bedroom.

Either your labidos or sexual tastes simply dont match. In these situations sometimes relationships simply cannot work.

However, for the relationship to continue good, positive communication is key, keep each other relaxed and speak positively about the things you do enjoy sexually with each other rather than focusing on the things you don’t enjoy.

Experiment together as far as both parties are comfortable- slowly. Use of a safe word to say when things are getting a bit much- this can be helpful rather than saying stop which can totally ruin the mood.

Find intimacy in other ways, date nights, romantic trips away, snuggling up on the sofa and gentle sexual play are all wonderful ways of being intimate and improving that bond without necessarily involving full blown penetration.

Sarah Melancon – Sex Toy Collective


When there is little sexual overlap, it may be hard to sustain a relationship, but if you share at least some common interests it’s possible to negotiate so everyone is happy.

Have open conversations about your sexual likes, dislikes, and boundaries – and the “why” behind each.

Even if you don’t engage in all your favorite sex acts together, understanding and respecting one another’s desires and limits are still important.

Categorize your sexual desires into: need (cannot live without), want (great but not necessary), and maybe (interested or willing to try).

In a successful relationship, each partner’s “needs” and some of their “wants” must be satisfied, with potential for at least a few of their “maybe’s.”

However, with respectful communication and negotiation, partners don’t HAVE to be the ones fulling all of each other’s desires.

Some of these desires may be addressed through fantasizing, watching porn, reading erotica, enjoying webcam services, non-monogamy, or paid in-person sex work services (such as hiring a dominatrix).

You get to agree on the rules, and what’s most important is that you’re both comfortable — if one or both isn’t fully on board, it’s only a matter of time before it starts affecting your relationship.

Erin Dierickx – Erin D Therapy


Maintain conversation around your sexual preferences and needs. Sex is a huge aspect of relationships and when it gets put on the backburner, this can impact other parts of your relationship down the road.

To have dialogue around your sexual preferences, each partner shares which of their needs are met and which ones are falling short.

If you enjoy or want to explore some kinks or new sexual positions, for instance, discuss what you’d prefer, while also maintaining curiosity about your partner’s preferences.

What draws them to or away from certain preferences? What excites or scares them the most about trying this out? Oftentimes, a lack of experience or knowledge around these kinds of topics is the biggest barrier.

No one should ever feel pressured to try something they are not comfortable with or do not want.

But that does not mean there cannot be a conversation around their discomfort or fears regarding a new way of experiencing sex with their partner.

Through conversation around your sexual relationship, not only can you gain clarity on your partner’s preferences, but you may also find a way to compromise.

The continual dialogue will make conversations moving forward easier to have and may offer opportunities for new sexual experiences in the future.

If you are having difficulty with conversations around sexual preferences, needs, and differences, couple, relationship, and sex therapy can be helpful with navigating these conversations while also strengthening your relationship.

Justin Brown – Ideapod


When a couple has different sex preferences it can be difficult to compromise. The example of one partner liking kink and the other preferring vanilla sex is quite common.

The best solution is to communicate openly and express your desires to your partner. They can’t know what you want if you don’t tell them.

In addition, it’s important to be a little bit open to compromise. Never do something you’re uncomfortable with, but consider trying what your partner wants at least once and seeing if it’s your cup of tea.

Gabrielle Usatynski – Power Couples Education


There’s a huge difference between a couple having different preferences for sexual positions versus having major differences in sexual lifestyle choices that reflect each partner’s fundamental values or identity.

The latter type of difference is a big ticket item that should be discussed by the couple right from the start of their relationship as part of deciding if they’re a good match.

One partner may feel that certain alternative sexual practices, whether that’s kink, BDSM, or polyamory are not in line with who they are as a person.

In this case, getting into a relationship with a partner who experiences these practices as a basic need is a big mistake.

Many couples come to therapy because they’re well into their relationship and they didn’t deal with these major sexual differences right away.

They knew that these differences were probably going to be deal breakers for the relationship, so they chose to ignore the issue. Now they’re two kids and a house in and up the creek without a paddle.

The moral of the story: Communication is key, right from the beginning. Be true to who you are and what you want. Be willing to walk away if it’s not the right match.

Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey


I recommend trying something your partner prefers, which often leads to something new that works for both.

For example, May prefers sex with a rough edge and likes her lover to scratch her or bite her during sex. Jay prefers gentle, slow sex but doesn’t hate rough sex.

May and Jay talk openly about their preferences and their needs and agree to have some gentle, slow sex and some rough sex. Obviously, this works best if one partner feels neutral about the other’s preference.

If a partner has an aversion to their partner’s preference, then these negotiations can be more difficult. Sometimes considering consensual non-monogamy (having more than one partner) is a good solution.

For example, Jeff prefers BDSM and gets the most sexual satisfaction when he is receiving pain (like spankings). Robin doesn’t like BDSM. They agree to Jeff finding a BDSM partner to play with but not have genital sex with.

Jeff and Wendy meet for BDSM dates every few weeks. Because Jeff is getting his needs met and the pressure is off Robin to do something they don’t want to do, the relationship improves.

Adding another partner requires lots of communication and clear agreements, which is where I recommend working with a professional coach or therapist.

Saba Harouni Lurie – Take Root Therapy


My first suggestion is exploring your own sexual preferences, and becoming curious about your partner’s sexual interests.

From a place of curiosity and authenticity, have open discussions.

Take special care to be respectful and generous in how you receive information from your partner, and how you communicate about your own.

Dr. Carla Marie Manly


Research shows that actual sexual compatibility is less important than a couple’s perception of being well-matched in the realm of sexuality.

So for couples who have some areas of sexual incompatibility, it’s a wise idea to focus on the areas where compatibility is high.

For example, if one partner enjoys vanilla sexual intercourse and the other likes to get a bit wild, it’s important to focus on finding a middle ground that feels inviting to both partners.

And, if there are areas that are naturally pleasing to both partners—such as massage, kissing, and taking baths together—spend more time focusing on the areas that do provide mutual pleasure.

As with all other areas of romantic relationships, when we focus on the positive—the areas of sexual compatibility and connection—we’re far more likely to be satisfied.

Sexual Incompatibility Advice – Thank You Experts!

Thank you so much to all the experts that have contributed to this expert roundup on sexual incompatibility! If you feel that this post helped you in any way, then please share it with your friends and followers on social media.

Best Male Sex Toys

Best Male Sex Toys in 2021

Best Male Sex Toys in 2021


Lately, we have been asked to write a list of the best male sex toys for cis men and trans women. 

Even though many think they know the best male sex toys, they are often missing fun toys we consider in 2021!

We define male sex toys in this blog as toys that are designed to use on bodies with penises.

The Cock Ring

The beginner state of male sex play starts to give the penis the idea of what could be better or more interesting to up level intimacy. 

Penis rings or cock rings are essentially a ring (sometimes with multiple loops) that goes around the base of your penis (and if there are extra loops, those would go around the testicles). 

Supposedly, the tighter the sex toy ring, the more that the blood flow that goes into your penis is restricted. 

The result is the best feeling for many, as they report longer-lasting erections and more intense orgasms. Cock rings come in a variety of colors and sizes. 

Some of the cock rings have padded silicone to prevent any irritations from the vibrations. It is a great teaser product during PVI (penis vagina intercourse) sex. As it allows just part of the penis to do the actual penetration. 

Prostate Massager

A prostate massager is just that. It’s placed around the anus or inserted into the anus. The toy has several different settings on it that range in speed and intensity. If you’re an anal sex pro, go all out. If you’re new to this game, take it slow and remember to use lube.

Best Male Sex Toys

Some prostate massages are inventive. There are some available for sale now that have another section that’s placed and designed to massage your perineum. The sensitive area of skin between your anus and your scrotum.

Consider that using a prostate massager on yourself may add new sensations. It could also be fun with a partner taking turns and using the remote to control pleasure.

The Fleshlight

The fleshlight is undoubtedly the most famous male sex toy out there. If you don’t know it, the fleshlight is a brand.


It is so famous that an entire sex toy category is known by this term. Another name you’ll often here is “pocket pussies.”


The fleshlight gets its name because it’s designed to look like a common flashlight. However, when you pop the top off, the pleasure begins.

Best Male Sex Toys

Sex toy manufacturers have even designed fleshlights to specific measurements to simulate a certain level of tightness.

Also, these toys come in starter packs that include lubrication and other accessories to clean It. You insert your penis into the rubber orifice and masturbate with it on.

Anal Plugs

Anal plugs, or butt plugs, can be enjoyed by everyone. Basic plugs are made from metal, silicone, or some other material. They are inserted into the anus to offer a constant stream of stimulation.

Many butt plugs include vibrating tips and even remote controls that your partner can use to change vibration speed and tempo.


Best Male Sex Toys

Water-based Lubricant

Water-based lubricants are typically recommended for use with male sex toys. The reason is that they do less harm and leave less residue once you’re finished. 

There are excellent water-based lubes on the sex toy market. However, silicone could work at times. Be mindful to clean them after!


Blow Job Toys

People with a penis that have been masturbating the same way for years can check out blow job toys. 

Modern blow job toys simulate getting a real blow job. The openings are shaped like a mouth and the design is meant to mirror the stimulation of swallowing or penetration.

They come in both reusable, disposable models and several different shapes. Similarly, you can purchase electric models that require a plug. Some use batteries too, so consider buying extra.

Overall, the important thing with blow job toys is to choose one that fits the penis tightly to increase pleasure.



Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size



About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do


real sex

Real Sex Begins with a “Yes”

Real Sex Begins with a “Yes”


When it comes to real sex, it begins with enthusiastic consent in the form of a “yes.” 


If you are waiting for a no, this isn’t the type of real sex we are talking about. 


Actually, unless there is a deep “yes” from others, most people are not interested in the sexual situation. 


There is a caveat for those who are partnered for over 3 years though… sometimes, these partners are used to hearing “no”. Therefore, when it comes to sex, they will take any sign as a yes. 


If you think about it though… seducing ANYONE requires the receiving partner’s WILLINGNESS to receive initiation. If they aren’t a yes, they aren’t interested.  


When You Check In With Your Partner, You Have To Be Sure That They Are WILLING!


If they are acting numb, avoiding you, or even making up excuses, there is no consent to be engaging with them. If you aren’t getting the real sex you need, it may be time to have a discussion about sex therapy or a change in the relationship. 

real sex

In AASECT supervision to become a certified sex therapist, it took me two years to learn that “without willingness, there is no way.” 


Not even the best of lovers can begin with approaching real sex and pleasure with someone who has a resistance to trying. 


If your partner(s) is/are not willing, remain curious. Remain appreciative of your partner and curious instead of expecting something and then being critical. 


They may come around. Sometimes clients report the more curious they are, the more willing their partner has become. 


Therefore, check in mind, heart, and genitals. 


See if there is a YES or a NO to real partner sex.


If you want MORE than a YES or a NO. Then please use the YES spectrum below, a scale of 0-10, to see how each part of you feels when it comes to giving a “yes.” 

real sex

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.


Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 


LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 


Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Best Sex Toys for Couples – To Use with Your Partner

Playing with your partner is important in keeping the spark in your relationship so here are the best sex toys for couples. 

Toys are great for play, ask around. 

Using toys on your partner during sex is sure to give a greater experience. 

Sure, mouths, hands and genitals are great, yet you can only use those so much without fatiguing. Making sex toys a part of your sexual routine gives you something different. An out of the ordinary experience!

You can decide to spice things up with toys both of you enjoy. Have the initial conversation first. Do they want to? What kind of toys are you talking about? Find information on the internet since the choices are limitless. If you are choosing your first toys, decide on beginner-level options, and graduate to more complicated ones.

For those in the market for sex toys to try, which you must be given you are still reading this article, here are 10 options. Some of them are store specific while others are general suggestions that can be found in most sex stores when you ask about best sex toys for couples.

1.Jive Couples Vibrator

This tool by We-Vibe is best for penetration glory. 

It provides the satisfaction of penetrative stimulation and the We-Vibe Jive is an egg-shaped vibrator with a remote control. The best part is you can control it using your smartphone! 

The Jive vibrator is inserted into your partner during oral sex. It is a great foreplay toy. You can wear it during a dinner date and allow your partner to control it through the evening. 

When you get home, all the pent up sexual tension will not fit on any scale.

It goes for $112.05 on Amazon at the time of publishing. 

2.Satisfyer’s Partner Whale

This vibrator by Satisfyer is made specifically for heterosexual or other sex couples. It has two powerful motors and a curvature that allows pleasure for both partners. 

The Partner Whale has a thick part that lies on the clit as the extension goes inside the vagina. The extension targets the G-spot while massaging the penis at the same time.

It has buttons for convenience. The buttons control three vibration intensities and about seven rhythms. The Partner Whale is a beginner tool that is made to impress and help both partners climax. It costs $29.95 on Amazon at the time of publishing. 

3.Complete Le Wand Pleasure Set

There is nothing like a toy to be enjoyed on your own and with a partner.

That is what the Le Wand pleasure set offers.

The set comes with various attachments depending on your needs. The wand can be used as a vibrator. By adding the attachments, it allows for anal penetration, clitoris stimulation and can hit the G-spot!

It is a toy for everyone and can be enjoyed when you are alone and with a partner. It is charged at $234.99 at the time of writing this blog at 

Use PayPal to buy it, as their customer service isn’t the best in my experience. 

4.Foreplay Dice

You can never have enough foreplay. Lovehoney have ensured this by creating these sex dice for your pleasure. One dice has verbs: lick, spank, kiss etc. The other has nouns: mouth, thigh, neck etc.

Each partner can take a turn to roll the dice. They have to do what each verb and noun combo say. It is a fun foreplay game to keep your blood boiling.

The Lovehoney Oh! Roll Play Foreplay Dice go for $9.99 at the time of this blog on the Lovehoney official website: 

5.Tomboi Harness

The Tomboi harness is perfect for relationships with no penis. In case one of you wants to experience penetrative sex, this harness is the answer! It can fit any dildo that exists in the universe and it is made of silky material. It fits just like normal underwear and is comfortable. Wear it and thump your way into your partner’s insides.

6.Sex Wedge or Ramp

Sex is best enjoyed in different positions. It needs variety, in strokes and positioning. The sex ramp helps to put your partner in these very much needed variety of positions. Using a sex ramp allows you and your partner to explore new ways to bend your bodies. It offers more chances for deeper penetration.

A great sex ramp should be comfortable and steady. Bonus points if you find one that is machine washable, since it is sure to get soiled while you get it on.

7.Cock Ring

A great toy for the penis is the cock ring. It sits around the base of the penis and vibrates, sending waves all through the shaft. 

The cock ring has padded silicone to prevent any irritations from the vibrations. It is a great teaser during sex, as it allows just part of the penis to do the actual penetration. Both partners are sure to love this toy. Some people enjoy ones that go around the testicles as well.

8.Cuffs and Rope

Restriction of movement is sexy during sex. Having cuffs or rope to tie your partner with as you have your way with them is an incredible feeling. It gives you control, with consent of course.

The key to using cuffs and rope is comfort. Make sure they are not too tight on your partner’s hands and feet. Their being comfortable ensures they give you the time you need to explore their bodies.

There are many options when it comes to bondage play. If your bedroom does not offer places to hook normal handcuffs, you can try door jam cuffs. These can be thrown over the bedroom or bathroom door. Your partner can then strap in and give control.

9.Butt Plugs

Anal play is a sensitive subject. Some are partial to it, while some are all for it. 

Have the conversation with your partner first (as you should before using any toy).

If your partner agrees, the best way to start anal stimulation can be using butt plugs. 

Most come with remote control for your convenience. They have different vibration intensities.

Butt plugs are help to improve penetrative and oral sex. They are also great to be used when your partner is away and you want some sexy time.

10.Sex swing

Putting up a sex swing in your bedroom is a step every couple needs to have gone through. It needs to be attached carefully and according to instructions. Hanging it in safely is the first step to ensuring the best experience.

Create your private Cirque du Soleil by swinging right into penetration. 

You can swing in positions that are limited by your imagination and achieve sexual pleasure beyond anything else.

As a couple, you have no reason to not use sex toys. 

It is a great way to explore your sexuality as well as giving you secrets to share. You will have numerous experiences that will act as extremely pleasurable secrets. Sex toys are perfect for spicing things up and enjoying more of your partner’s company. Pick up any of these and enjoy.

 If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Cosplay Sex

Dress-up for Adults: The Fun World of Cosplay Sex

Dress-up for Adults: The Fun World of Cosplay Sex


Cosplay sex is one of the most fun, creative ways to spice up the bedroom, explore fantasies and channel your favorite characters. Cosplay sex may sound kinky and wild, and it can be, though it is a great way to wade into the waters of kink and roleplay!


What is Cosplay?

Cosplay sex is only one context for the fun and freedom of dressing up as your favorite characters. Have you ever seen images of comicon? People dressed as their favorite film, comicbook and tv characters? Well, that’s cosplay!

Cosplay simply means “costume play”. It doesn’t have to be sexual at all, and for most it is just an opportunity to show their love of specific fandoms, or showcase their creativity when it comes to reimagining these characters in real life. It can be a literal interpretation of characters or a look inspired by characters or stories the cosplayer connects to.

Cosplay is even making its way into drag culture as we see more performers interpret characters and include them in their live performances.

Cosplay also involves embodying the character to certain degrees, so it can be a fun way to escape and roleplay in sexual or non-sexual situations.


Is Cosplay a Fetish?

It should be noted that there is a huge issue of female cosplayers in particular being fetishized by people without permission, which can put a damper on the fun.

Just because someone is dressed like Wonder Woman or Princess Leia in a bikini does not mean that they are open to sexual advances, lewd online comments or want to be fetishized. They are simply appreciating a character and having fun dressing up!

Some people do have fetishes around certain characters. If you are sexually obsessed with Batman, maybe you’ll get a kick out of having sex with someone dressed as Batman, or it is a fantasy you want to fulfil.

Cosplay in and of itself, however, is not a fetish or an expression of someone’s fetish.


Making Cosplay Sexy

Incorporating cosplay into sex can be a fun, lighthearted and creative way to dip your toes into some light kink and fantasy fulfilment.

Roleplay can help you release your inhibitions, be more assertive or submissive, and help you realize fantasies.

Cosplay can help you by having a character that is already well known, a specific personality you can channel and improvise around without starting from scratch.

Cosplay doesn’t need to be expensive or fancy, though you can certainly drop a lot of cash on movie replica costumes and accessories. If you want a movie perfect Darth Vader costume for $10,000, that’s your prerogative!

Cosplay Sex

All you need is an indication of costume. This could be thick gold bracelets to channel Wonder Woman, or a black domino mask to become Zorro, or even white gloves to become Mickey Mouse if that’s your thing. Use your imagination and creativity to have as much or as little costume as you want.

The most important part of cosplay sex is the character you channel in the moment. Costumes are part of the name, however it is less about the appearance and more about the character!


Here are some ways to incorporate your favorite character into cosplay sex:

  •   Use sexy props: some bondage rope for Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, a dildo as your “lightsaber”, a small whip for Indiana Jones, a full faced mask for Batman, the options are as vast as the characters you create! Find ways to repurpose sex toys to fit with your chosen character
  •   Use catchphrases: does your character have any memorable quotes or catchphrases that you can use in the bedroom? Luke, I am your Daddy…they don’t have to be entirely serious! Cosplay sex can be fun and funny.
  •   Use your favorite scenes: Is there a scene that really gets you going? Maybe you want to re-enact the fight between Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and Michael Keaton’s Batman- sexy! Is there a sex scene from Outlander you want to replicate word for word, touch for touch?
  •   Imagine New Relationships: This happens a lot in fan fiction, and crosses over into cosplay sex seamlessly. Ever wish there had been a hot moment between Edward and Jacob? Want James Bond to hook up with M? How about Frodo and Sam? Now’s your chance to make that fantasy happen!   

This is by no means an exhaustive list, so let your imagination run wild!


Some Practical Considerations

  •   Safety first: just because your character throws knives or whatever doesn’t mean you should dive headfirst into knifeplay without a mentor or training. Same goes for choking or bondage: take an online class or workshop in rope tying and knots so you can safely bind your partner without cutting off circulation or accidental injuries.
  •   Consent: I know it goes without saying, though it can’t be said enough! All activities must be consensual, and since cosplay sex can wade into the realm of kink, it is helpful to talk with your sexual partner about boundaries and safe words before diving into the scene.
  •   Finances: Never feel like you have to break the bank to have the perfect costume. Some people love to invest in and collect movie-quality costumes, however it isn’t necessary to engage in cosplay sex or enjoy roleplay as your favorite characters!
  •   Cleaning: Some costumes are easier to clean than others, so this may be a consideration for you if you plan on using your costume for sex. As always, clean any toys, props or costumes before and after sex, and ideally use new toys for new partners.
  •   Exit rituals: If you are playing in a particularly intense or violent scene, it can be helpful to have an exit ritual. This can be as simple as taking a bath or meditating, or just cleaning up and putting away your costume. Whatever you need to do to transition out of your cosplay persona into your regular persona. Some people don’t need this at all, though if you are having trouble separating your actions from the character’s actions, these rituals can help you put them to rest and pick them up again later when you’re ready for more fun.


Cosplay sex is a fun, creative and exciting way to try something new and perhaps fulfill a longheld fantasy. Costumes aren’t just for Halloween, so get some fabric and ideas and try out cosplay sex!


Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

sex therapy videos


About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

sex in the summer

How to keep cool while having sex in the summer

Recently Canela Lopez, writer at the Insider spoke to five sexologists and sex therapists on how to keep cool while having sex in the summer.

Amanda Pasciucco, LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, International Clinical Sexologist and Life Coaching and Therapy founder was interviewed by Lopez and provided her tips on having comfortable sex in the summer hot weather:

1) Why do some people find it more uncomfortable to have sex in hot weather?

People find it uncomfortable, because they usually are breathing incorrectly to begin with and aren’t hydrated. Therefore, when you add heat, and perspiration, this triggers “turn off” to certain individuals. Specifically those who are sensitive to touch and scents.

2) What awesome steps can couples take to make sex in the summer months more comfortable? 

It’s important to change your sheets weekly. Buy a sex blanket or use a towel to have close by! Always consider keeping lube right on your bedstead, so it is convenient.

If changing your sheets isn’t helping, it might be time to consider buying a bigger bed.

Those who have more space are often more comfortable. Especially if one tends to run hot, it gives them connection. What I notice for those who share a queen is that one partner will go to a different bedroom and that ends up causing a disconnect erotically for the couple.

  • Summer heat can put a huge damper on your sex life, especially if you and your partner are sweat-averse.
  • Cranking the A/C unit or central air might be your first instinct to deal with the heat, but positioning a fan above you or having sex on cooler surfaces like shower tile, kitchen counters, and washing machines can also help.
  • Changing your outlook on sweat and body odor can also improve your sex life in the summer.

Sex in the summer can be a sticky disaster if you’re averse to sweat, body odor, and heat.

Though not everyone’s libido takes a hit, the heat can make couples more reluctant to get it on and even make it more difficult to cuddle.

“Vigorous sex can be a cardiovascular workout in and of itself, so sex in hot weather can be as challenging on the body as going for a run, for instance,” Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, a sexuality educator & author, told Insider. “Lovers may also be more self-conscious about being sweatier, stickier and smellier than normal, including in their groin area. Body ‘farts’ from the wetness may also be a consequence, as bodies rub together, and a humorous distraction.”

Psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler told Insider taking a lukewarm shower and patting down with a towel before having sex can help keep you cool while getting down and dirty.

If you have good balance, consider have shower sex.

“They make hand grips and foot shelves to make it possible,” Buehler told Insider. “If you’re both smaller in stature, you can try the tub.”

Running an air-conditioning unit can also help cool you down.

“Speaking from personal experience, if you are able, get solar and run your A/C with abandon,” Buehler told Insider.

But if you’re trying to save money, getting a small fan and positioning it strategically can be a great alternative.

“Position a fan so that it blows on you, as the cooling effect will bring your skin to life in a totally different way, [like] some lovers experiencing harder nipples,” Fulbright said. “Having the fan blow on your bottoms in certain positions [like] doggie style will have you experiencing sex in a noticeably different, but delightfully pleasurable way.”

Between the Sheets

Dr. Tammy Nelson, a sex and couples therapist and author of “Getting the Sex You Want,” told Insider the types of sheets you use during sex can actually be making you hotter. To avoid any unnecessary sweating, make sure to use pure cotton sheets.

“It’s important to change your sheets weekly,” Amanda Pasciucco, a sexologist and sex therapist based in Hartford, told Insider. “Buy a sex blanket or use a towel to have close by!”

If changing your sheets isn’t helping, Pasciucco said it might be time to consider buying a bigger bed.

“I realize that those who have more space are often more comfortable. Especially if one tends to run hot, it gives them connection,” Pasciucco told Insider. What I notice for those who share a queen is that one partner will go to a different bedroom and that ends up causing a disconnect erotically for the couple.”

A lot of the stress that comes with summertime sex comes from the amount of sex and body heat exchanged when getting intimate.

Different sex positions could help limit that contact while keeping things pleasurable.

“Try some positions where your bodies are not directly touching as much like from behind or off the side of the bed,” Dr. Rachel Needle, a psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, told Insider. “The less your bodies touch, the cooler you will be.”

Doggie style, fisting, and ride style positions can all help you get around the heat.

Cold props and toys can offer fun sensations with while helping you and your partner (or partners) cool down.

“Rub ice cubes all over each other’s bodies to cool things off,” Needle said. “You can use cold items like ice creatively to increase pleasure and comfort.”

If you’re feeling particularly adventurous and the bedroom is simply too hot, trying out different surfaces around the house that are cooler to the touch can help.

“Find other places in your home and try new sexual positions, ones where you won’t have as much skin to skin contact,” Nelson told Insider. “For instance, standing up against counters in a kitchen or bathroom or up against washers or dryers in a laundry room. The stainless steel or granite can be cooler against your skin.”

If you live with roommates, make sure to ask before going ahead and disinfect the surface when you’re done.

Enjoy your wonderful, sex-filled summer!


If you aren’t having the best sex of your life, schedule an appointment with Life Coaching and Therapy.


National Sex Day

7 Solo Sex Tips for All Adults on National Sex Day

7 Solo Sex Tips for All Adults on National Sex Day


Did you know there is a National Sex Day? Even though June 9 is not an official holiday, get a little creative with the date (6/9) and you’ll see why so many people have declared it a day of sex.

We’re trying to get the message out that this year’s National Sex Day is more important than ever. With everything that’s going on, and after spending months in quarantine and worried about the coronavirus, it’s time we all had some well-deserved sex! It’s the best stress reliever and releases much-needed endorphins that improve mental health.

Whether you’re flying solo or involved in a relationship with a partner or partners, we’re focused on solo sex this National Sex Day. Solo sex has several mental and physical benefits, and the better you get at it, there more benefits there are to be had.

Here are 7 tips for adults on how to have incredible solo sex on June 9. Let’s all join in and send out some positive sexual energy.


Get a Sex Toy!

Sex toys close the orgasm gap between men and women. In surveys, the majority of men, over 90% of them, report achieving orgasm, while only around 60% of women say the same. Sex toys close the gap between different people. With toys, everyone has a chance to have some fun.

Betty Dodson brought vibrators back onto the scene decades ago and solo sex has never been better. Get a magic wand with different settings that can be used on all parts of the body. They come with different attachments and even come wireless and waterproof.

You may also want to try putting on a blindfold. Yes, you hear that right, blindfolds are great for solo sex as well! With a sexy blindfold on, you’re shutting off your other senses and focusing on sexual touch. It’s easier to slip into a sexy fantasy or experiment with different breathing patterns and how they affect your orgasms.

Watch my video about sex toys here for more information:


Try Edging

If you’ve been in quarantine for months, chances are you’re ready to experiment with new ways to get more out of solo sex and your orgasms. Edging is a way to delay climax which ultimately ends with more intense and longer-lasting orgasms.

Edging is all about effort. It takes time to build that anticipation in your mind and body that explodes once you reach climax. You may spend your time masturbating to a fantasy or pornography, walking back from the edge just as you’re about to orgasm.

Part of the fun with edging is embracing the anxiety that you may lose the orgasm altogether. This risk-reward play raises the stakes of solo sex. It can also be a fantastic body control exercise that will help you in bed with partners.


Experimenting with Anal

Anal orgasms aren’t only for people with penises. All body types can experience pleasure with anal sex. People with vaginas often climax by stimulating themselves through the wall between the vagina and the rectum.

Make sure you have enough lube on hand to make entering nice and easy. Start by slowly massaging your opening to help your body relax before you insert any toys or fingers. Alternate between vertical and horizontal motions in your anus. Add speed and pressure as you become relaxed and comfortable.


Use a Mirror

Too many people are still struggling with body issues! If that’s you, take advantage of National Sex Day by sitting yourself in front of a mirror for a solo session.

With a mirror, you can explore your body and work on body acceptance. Massage yourself, use lotion or lube to get yourself lathered up. Put on something sexy to get yourself in the mood.

Caress your legs, stomach, and genitals with your eyes open. Follow what feels good and try new things to see if they work.


Talk Dirty to Me

This might feel a bit silly at first, but just trust me. National Sex Day is the perfect time for a little solo sex with a dash of dirty talking. Talking dirty will heat up your solo time and is great practice for fun with partners. If you haven’t played with dirty talk during sex, then this is a great intro.

Push the boundaries on what you’re comfortable with to see where it will take you. Talking dirty to yourself will help you overcome sexual anxiety and embrace the sexual experience.

National Sex Day 

Get a Workout on National Sex Day

No, I’m not saying to masturbate while you’re doing yoga or in between sets of pushups. Instead, exercise your pelvic floor muscles to improve genital control. Squeezing and holding your pelvic muscles tight should also give you a more intense orgasm. All that clinching takes work and has a huge payoff.

Pelvic workouts are all about body control. As you get better, you can sync your hand or toy strokes with your clenching and releasing to make sensations stronger. As you progress, try to hold your squeezes longer and longer to see what kind of difference it makes in your orgasm.


Give Tantric Breathing a Try

Many people who struggle to orgasm are found to hold their breath during sex, especially when things heat up during sex. Failing to take deep, measured breaths can prevent orgasm.

National Sex Day is a great time to try out tantric breathing and see whether it can give you an amazing orgasm. Tantric breathing involves inhaling deeply into the belly to increase blood flow which enhances sexual pleasure.

Start by laying down or getting into a sitting position and inhale deeply. Focus on your muscles as they expand and tense. As you exhale, notice the sensations on your skin, your arms, your legs, and focus on erotic thoughts.

Continue breathing like that as you begin to touch and stroke your genitals until you reach orgasm. For many people, tantric breathing helps them get into higher states of arousal and experience intense orgasmic experiences.

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar



About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do


Sexy Time

Sexy Time

Sexy Time


Odds are you still think about that one sexy time with that one person from time to time. Maybe it was a college hookup or could have been a serious relationship a long time ago. For whatever reason, they just knew how to get it done.

They could touch you, tease you, and feel you in all the right ways. Something about it was so intense, primal even, that it’s a bit like chasing the dragon trying to get sex to that level again.

What’s funny is those intense sexual experiences we find ourselves daydreaming about are often far from our current reality. When you’re in a stable, long-term relationship, even sex becomes routine. That’s not to say we won’t take it. All consensual sex is good sex, right? Well, there’s good sex, and then there’s GREAT sex.

Here are some easy ways you can get more of what you want from sexy time.


Leave Your Assumptions Out the Door

I talk to so many people who are frustrated with their sexual partners. They complain that they can’t find people who know what they’re doing in bed or how to please them. Sex is filled with a lot of “You’re close” and “not quite!”.

Starting from scratch can be hard to do with every partner, especially if you’re coming off a relationship or being with a partner with amazing sexual chemistry. What you shouldn’t do, though, is assume every person has the same experience.

Be verbal before, during, and after sex! Tell your partner what you want and how to do it. Use a guiding hand if you have to show them how it’s done. Their feelings aren’t going to be hurt. They’ll probably be ecstatic.

Imagine if every intimate partner you have lays out exactly how to give them mind-blowing orgasms. Wouldn’t you be stoked to try?

Don’t assume your partner knows how to go down on a woman or give a great blowjob. Tell them what works for you and ask what they like in return.

Sexy Time


Avoid Negative Triggers During Sex

Sex sometimes requires difficult discussions. When you’re committed to someone who has a different sex drive or has more or less experienced, it takes adjustment. The last thing you want to do is spring something on them unexpectedly right in the middle of sex.

If you want to try, for instance, anal sex and your partner is apprehensive, discuss experimenting before you give it a shot. See if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for them.

Triggering negative reactions in the middle of sex can tie a bad experience to lovemaking, something no one wants. Keep things positive while you’re in the groove and hold the feedback for another time.


Engage in Some Self Experimentation

Masturbate. Masturbate a lot. I talk to so many people who struggle to verbalize what they like and don’t like with sex. It’s almost as if their life depended on it, they wouldn’t be able to tell you what feels good.

Certainly, for many people being comfortable with your sexuality is a mixed basket full of past experiences, religious backgrounds, and upbringing. Your exposure to sex will also affect how you feel.

The best thing for this is some self-exploration. If you can’t point to or talk about where your “on” buttons are, then do some searching. Masturbation is a great stress reliever in general. It’ll also help take any pressure or anxiety you feel when your partner is trying to help get you off.


Own It

If you’re feeling like you’re in a sexual rut, you’ve got to take more charge of your sex life. Own what happens in those sheets! Move around, take charge, pull out some handcuffs. Do something that will mix things up and make them more exciting.

Don’t wait for your partner to take the lead every time you have sex. Let your dominant side free every once in a while. Tell them where to go and what to do. Break up the routine a bit. It doesn’t have to be every time, but a little effort is a great reminder that you’ve still go it and things don’t have to be lame.

Sexy Time


Everybody Loves a Bit of Dirty Talk

Yes, you heard me. Sounds so silly though, right? No, it doesn’t. Dirty talk only sounds ridiculous until you try it. Trust me, it might feel weird the first time you whisper “Give it to me harder…” into your partner’s ear as their thrusting on top of you, however, you’re going to love how stimulating it is when they’re asking, “You like that?” when they’re pulling your hair from behind.

Talking dirty takes some getting used to. Once the cat’s out of the bag, though, sexy time is never going to be the same. Sex becomes more playful, and about more than just the physical act. You get to add a bit more personality and rev the intensity up.


The Personal Pep Talk

All of us deal with some level of insecurity tied to sex. We all have a bit of flab here or a dimple there we wish we didn’t have. Maybe it’s been a while since we’ve had sex and we feel like we’re out of practice.

Understand that everyone carries a bit of baggage into the bedroom. The people that enjoy sex most are usually those who can toss the baggage aside for half an hour or so and experience some pure pleasure.

Try giving yourself a sex pep talk before things heat up. Sneak into the bathroom if you have to and look yourself in the mirror. Relax your shoulders, breathe a bit, and get over yourself. Laugh at how nervous you are and tell yourself it’s just sex. It’s how adults have fun. And get out there and have some fun!

Sex is too great a gift to be boring or mundane. Juice things up, have fun, and get a little kinky. You’ll never regret it and, trust us, neither will your partner.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer


Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again


About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Sexy Time for Singles

Sexy Time for Singles


So you want to have more sexy time as a single?

I’m so glad that you are interested in joining the world of Sexy Time for Singles and getting through this time period.

In this video, I’ll teach you how to make the best of Sexy Time for Singles, how to love yourself, and how to have fun through this time.

In no time, you’ll take my advice to use for your own Sexy Time for Singles.

My tips for Sexy Time for Singles will surely enlighten you on how to create a more adventurous and pleasure-focused sex life for you and your romantic partner(s)!

Can’t wait for you to learn how to have celebrate Sexy Time for Singles!



-Learn How to Unleash Your Self Pleasure and Transform Your Sex Life!-


Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!


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You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

couple sex

Essential Rules for Couples Sex – 10 Things You’re Allowed to Say During Sex!

Essential Rules for Couples Sex – 10 Things You’re Allowed to Say During Sex!


Couples don’t start sex therapy because everything’s great. There’s usually some issue where they’re at an impasse. It’s something that, for whatever reason, they just can’t work their way through.

If you’re having intimacy issues in a committed relationship, you’ve probably been through the wringer a time or two. Whether it’s imbalances in sex drive, different levels of comfort with sexual exploration, or some other underlying issue, disagreements over sex are tough!

There’s so much tied up in the way we make love. Knowingly or unwittingly, you’re bringing your background, your trauma, and anything else that’s molded your sexuality into the bedroom with your partner.

We have to remember that sex is fun and it’s also complicated. It’s a way you can fill your own needs and the needs of your partner. When sex is great, it’s extremely fulfilling. When it’s not, it can be scarring.

Sometimes we lose sight of our boundaries in the pursuit of pleasing our partners. Each of us has to do what it takes to make sure sex stays fun, engaging, and positive. Here are some things you need to remember that you’re allowed to say and feel.

Couple sex

  1. Can We Slow Down?

There’s hot sex and there’s slow sex. Sex can be kinky, and it can also be romantic. Sometimes it’s fast and sometimes it’s slow. You always have the right to tell your partner to slow down. That’s critical when you’re trying something new like BDSM or roleplaying. Go at your own pace! It’s ok if you don’t want to go from 0-100 on the first try. Find a speed you feel good with.


  1. I Like That

I meet with so many people that have a hard time explaining what they like. If you ask them, they’re great at saying, “Well, I know I don’t like it when he touches me here or when she does that.” One of the best things you can do for your sexual enjoyment is taking control of what turns you on. If necessary, spend some alone time masturbating so you can get to know your body better. Once you know, make sure you clue your partner in as well!


  1. I Don’t Like That and I Would Rather ____

There’s a compromise in sex, and both you and your partner should work together to find a happy medium where you’re both getting the sex and sense of adventure you crave while also keeping each other safe. Verbalize with your partner any time you feel uncomfortable with a sex act or situation. You’re an even part of what’s happening!

couple sex

  1. I Feel Nervous

Many of us hold anxious feelings inside because we’re afraid it might spook our partner or make it into a big deal. Your partner will probably be happy if you reveal you’re nervous. A good partner wants sex to be amazing for both of you, not just them. If they know you’re nervous they can be more attentive to how you’re feeling and do more to make sex a positive experience.

It will also help with pacing. When you start a sexual relationship with someone, it’s all about progression. Hopefully, the way you have sex in later months and years will be much different than the first time. You’ll be more comfortable about experimenting and pushing the boundaries of your sexuality. For that to happen you need a solid foundation on which you both feel comfortable as you move forward.


  1. I Feel Complete. I Would Like to Be Done

Ego comes to play when you have sex. Some people are driven by self-pleasure and others crave the pleasure of others. If you’re with a partner that’s a giver or a pleaser, you need to be firm about when you’ve had enough. That can happen with positive feedback you give your partner, telling them how great they are at oral sex or how amazing your orgasm was.

It can also mean giving your partner clear signals that you’re through. As always, it’s vital you feel safe when you have sex. You’re not there solely for the enjoyment of your partner. It’s only part of the equation.


  1. I am Thirsty/Hungry, Can We Take a Break?

Have you ever been with someone who loves marathon sex sessions? You’re French kissing and making love for hours. You may have read about tantric sex and how delaying orgasms can accentuate eventual pleasure.

Still, everyone has a limit. Make sure you don’t cross yours. Don’t let your partner make you feel guilty about needing a break during sex. A break can often increase tension and result in better orgasms!


  1. I Would Like to Use More Lube

For whatever reason, many of you may feel embarrassed about asking for more lube. 

For me personally, I don’t recommend any sex without it!

The stigma around lube is something most people deal with at some point. 

Your partner may become insecure and take your asking for lube as an affront. 

“What, I don’t turn you on enough to keep you lubricated?” is something I commonly hear.

First of all, those kinds of partners need to do a bit more learning about body fluids

Secondly, please do not let embarrassment or anxiety about someone’s actions keep you from staying healthy and comfortable during sex. Lube makes it way more pleasurable for the sensitive skin of the body!


  1. This is Fun!

couple sex

That’s right, give yourself the right to have fun! Repeat after me, “Sex is supposed to be fun!” 

Do whatever it takes to remove feelings of obligation, shame, abuse, or any other negative motivator.

Tell yourself that sex is fun. Reinforce the idea of what it should be. Don’t forget to tell your partner, too. They need to hear it sometimes as well.


  1. Is This Meeting Your Needs?

Resist the urge to become so self-involved in your sexual growth that you leave your partner behind. Check-in on them regularly. Solicit feedback so you know what they’re feeling. Ask them if they’d like to try something new and follow up afterward to talk about how it went. You’ll be happier when your partner is digging sex as much as you are.


  1. How Can We Find the Win-Win for Our Time Together?

Don’t forget, you’re in this together. Your sex can only climb as high as your partner is going to let it. Lift each other. Push each other up with positive reinforcement and transparency. When you strip away all the distractions that get caught up in sex, you’ll find a deeper connection. Sex will feel incredible and you’ll get extra comfort out of getting there with someone you love.


Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm



About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do