Erection Issues

How To Know If You Have Erection Issues: A Checklist!

How To Know If You Have Erection Issues: A Checklist!

 

If you’re feeling uncertain or embarrassed about erectile dysfunction, this checklist will tell you how to know if you have erection issues. 

After all, sometimes it is just an off night, and sometimes it just isn’t happening- no matter how turned on you are, no matter how sexy the situation. 

It can be frustrating and shameful, and I want you to realize it is actually quite common. 

Some research says that 15 to 30 million people with penises have erection issues in some form at any given time. 

The causes can be physiological or psychological, and many causes of erectile dysfunction can be treated with mindset rephrames, lifestyle changes, and even medication changes. 

The recurrence of erectile dysfunction also increases with age, though people of any age can have it. 

The main thing to remember is that you have no need to be embarrassed, and there is no need to give up on an amazing, fulfilling sex life if you struggle with erection issues!

 

Who Can Help You With Erection Issues

If you’re wondering how to know if you have erection issues, you may want to chat with your medical doctor. 

As erection issues can be a symptom of more serious conditions, it is worth ruling out potential health risks. 

If the doctor clears you medically, your erection issues may be the result of a past psychological trauma or current pattern of behaviors. 

At that time, the help of a clinical sexologist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, or someone who specializes in systemic therapy may be helpful.

 

Symptoms of Erection Issues

Some of the basic symptoms of erection issues or erectile dysfunction include:

  •   Frequent and persistent trouble getting an erection
  •   Frequent and persistent trouble keeping an erection
  •   Low libido

None of these are particularly fun, though it is important to keep track of your erection issues and ask yourself: is this something that happens almost every time I try to have sex, or is it just a blip?

  •   Do you get hard easily while masturbating? Your issues may be intimacy or psychologically based.
  •   Do you struggle to get hard most of the time, even when sexually aroused/horny? You may have physical health problems that need investigating!

As with most things, self-diagnosis can only go so far, so use this checklist to get started on the frequency and context of your erection issues. This will help you discuss in detail with a professional.

 

Health Concerns That Are Related to Erection Issues

The penis is a vascular organ and requires uninhibited blood flow to create and maintain an erection. 

It makes sense that any health condition that affects how your blood flows or affects your nerves/neurons will impact your erections!

 In fact, many cardiologists refer to erectile dysfunction as the “canary in the coal mine” as a warning symptom of heart issues. 

Our bodies are a holistic system of organs, blood vessels, muscles, nerves and tissues, and health problems rarely affect only one area of the body!

The mind and body are also intrinsically connected, and any problems you may be having psychologically can affect your erections in unexpected ways. 

Some medical issues that can cause chronic or temporary erection issues include:

  •   Heart Disease
  •   Atherosclerosis (clogged blood vessels)
  •   High Blood Pressure
  •   Obesity or weight gain
  •   Diabetes or Parkinsons
  •   Multiple Sclerosis or autoimmune issues 
  •   Estrogen 
  •   Tobacco use
  •   Alcoholism & substance abuse
  •   Medications (including yet not limited to prostate cancer/enlarged prostate, antihistamines, cancer treatment, or blood pressure). 
  •   Penis injury
  •   Hormone issues such as low testosterone or high cortisol

Some examples of psychological problems that may cause erectile dysfunction include:

  •   Mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD
  •   Stress or disconnection 
  •   Chronic exhaustion
  • Comparing partnered sex to solo sex (or masturbation)
  • Using pornography as sex education
  • Grief or sudden life changes
  •   Relationship stresses
  •   Unrealistic relationship expectations

 

What Can You Do About Erection Issues?

Seek help:

The most important first step in addressing erection issues is to give yourself a pat on the back for seeking help. You deserve an awesome sex life, and erection issues are not a sign of weakness or make you any less “manly” (if that is how you identify). It can be frustrating, and know that health professionals see this DAILY! Really… ALL. THE. TIME! So don’t be embarrassed! Get help from your family doctor, urologist or therapist to not only treat the issue with possible medications, but the root of the issue in your mind.  

 

Confide in your partner(s):

If you have a close, personal relationship with a supportive partner, it can be a relief to share your frustrations and fears. This can be especially helpful if they feel they may be at fault. 

If attraction is not the issue for you, reassure them that you find them attractive and sexy. If you suspect your erection issues stem from something psychological or traumatic, perhaps explore sharing those thoughts and feelings with your partner in a safe, guided environment such as with a sex therapist.

 

Adjust your lifestyle:

your doctor may advise you to adjust your lifestyle. If you’ve gained a lot of new weight around the midsection, your heart may be working harder to circulate blood and you could be at the mercy of hormonal imbalance. 

Going for regular walks, reducing your intake of saturated fats and doing things that relieve stress (laughing, relaxing, reading, edging) can help with circulation, stress and blood pressure. Remember, you are beautiful at any size, and you don’t necessarily need to lose weight to improve your health! Just get that blood pumping and that blood pressure down!

 

Find support:

Instead of endlessly searching the internet for terrifying diagnosis, find chat rooms and online threads and support groups for those dealing with erection issues. 

It is important to know you aren’t alone, and you may find great references and advice from others. 

We are doing a webinar on this exact topic, so you can also find quality information!

Erection issues and impotence in general are stigmatized, and there is no reason this should continue. 

There are so many variables at play with our wonderful, dynamic bodies, and as a generally ableist society, it is widely accepted that penises need to be hard to have amazing sex lives. 

This simply isn’t true, so if you struggle with erection issues that don’t seem to go away, know that you can have a satisfying sex life. Find out more from our webinar or schedule a session. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Why is Confidence Sexy

Sex Therapist Gives 5 Answers to "Why is Confidence Sexy"

Sex Therapist Gives 5 Answers to "Why is Confidence Sexy"

 

So, you are here because you are also asking yourself "why is confidence sexy," just like many of our viewers have done! So... I have the answers as to why confidence is so sexy!

In this video I will explain why confidence is sexy and if you think you are not confident enough, I am giving you my “Behind the Scenes of Communication” Eguide to boost your confidence!

These 5 reasons on why confidence is sexy work for just about everyone!

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR "BEHIND THE SCENES OF COMMUNCATION" GUIDE

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Watch now:

 

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Say hi on social:

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You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer.

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists!

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


parenting in a pandemic

Parenting in a Pandemic

Parenting in a Pandemic

 

Parenting in a pandemic; 2020 has proven to be one of the most unique years in modern history! 

Most notably due to of COVID-19 or the Coronavirus, parenting in the pandemic has become a primary focus! 

A notable challenge has been parenting in a pandemic, especially during the quick changes.

Parenting during a pandemic has proven to be much more difficult than I think many parents predicted. 

I have spent many sessions working with parents discussing: the lack of accessibility or time they have to balance the needs of their kids, work (paid or unpaid), finances due to job changes or loss, online schooling, and everyone home with limited opportunities outside the home. 

 

Stressors of Parenting in COVID-19

What became clear to me throughout this is that each unique age and stage of the child determined challenges for children. 

For me, I am a single mother of a 1 year old so my daughter loves being with me and those that love her. She enjoys exploring wherever she is or whatever is in front of her… for instance, she loves shoes. 

So entertaining her was less of an issue for me as it may be for many parents with older children. 

For me, I have found socialization and consistent attention to be the most difficult when one is juggling all these roles at once. 

For other parents, taking on the schooling process has shown to be a major and stressful undertaking. 

Other parents cite “keeping kids busy” as a primary stressor or concern. 

Whether it is social-emotional development, ability to engage in varying activities, mental health, stress level, motivation, or something else, parents are sharing new and creative ways to meet their kids needs.

Many parents shared these woes, whether their children were young like mine or school aged. 

A predominant developmental task for childhood is socializing, exploring, and learning (language, emotions, people, etc.). 

COVID19 has certainly inhibited the ability to socialize and confronted them with learning and exploring in ways that parents typically do not do. 

Many parents, including myself, have had to find creative ways to build social and emotional development in children with the limited resources we have. 

Parents have shared finding new hands-on activities, exciting ways to utilize technology, going back to old school techniques of the great outdoors, and finding connections with their kids they have not otherwise found. 

Parenting in a Pandemic

 

Can We Do it All?

The short answer is HECK NO! I will also provide a longer answer if that is useful. 

As parents we have these moments of pure genius where we see something differently and creatively find ways to engage our children, yet that does not negate all the hardship and stress that goes into being a parent right now. 

So many parents express levels of shame or guilt of not “being enough” for their children. 

Parents express feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and working around the clock between their children, taking care of their home, and finding jobs/engaging in paid labor positions.

My clients often (myself included) often worry what the long term impact of this will be to our children. 

Feeling like you have to be everything for your child; whether that is teacher, friend, activities director, social planner/coordinator, healthcare provider, personal chef, tutor, childcare provider, parent, snuggle buddy, scientist, explorer, maid, nanny, custodian, therapist, housekeeper, grocer, etc. while also trying to meet the needs of yourself, other children, partners, and family. 

Not to mention if you were able to maintain employment during this… add job responsibilities. 

Parents feel guilty for needing to resort to increased screen time for their kids or struggling to remain consistent with boundaries. 

Here’s the thing… THAT IS OKAY! WE ARE LIVING IN A PANDEMIC.

So I will say to you what I say to many of my clients:

Take a deep breath in….and out… and slow the EFF down. 

Breathe in self compassion and understanding because… just in case you did not hear me in the back… WE ARE LIVING IN A FREAKING PANDEMIC!

So many parents express feeling more exhausted than they have ever felt due to being within their homes, surrounded by the same people. 

The function of school was a lot to take on, and the needs of children are still present. 

Radical permission to know that you cannot be 100% of everything for anyone, yet there are tips I have learned parenting in a pandemic to share! 

 

Tips and Tricks to Parenting in A Pandemic

What we work on so often in therapy is utilizing your resources, collaborating when you can, and engaging in some level of self care. 

  • Finding ways to connect with other parents (online forums, zoom, phone or text, following social media, social distancing while wearing masks)
  • Exercise or movement while distancing yourself from others
  • Finding safe ways for your children to connect with other children (online, hygiene conscientiousness, social distancing, and mask wearing, etc.)
  • Basic self-care (eating, drinking water, batheing, sleeping or getting out of bed)
  • Asking for help for those that you feel safe inviting back to your life (physically, emotionally, or socially)
  • Go to therapy (see what I did there? :) )
  • Engage in community based activities online (religion, 12 step, protests, etc)
  • Finding new hobbies 
  • Prioritizing without overgiving or overfunctioning (I.E SET BOUNDARIES)
  • Finding time to check in with yourself, with your child, and with any partners or loved ones

These are SOME options for you, and I invite you to find creative strategies for you to find what works for you. 

The most important thing to do is find connection for yourself and with your loved ones (children and partners included) as well as being able to set boundaries for yourself, your family, and your children. 

These are some intense times… it’s important to find ways that work for you and your kids. 

Remember to have self-compassion and give yourself and your family a little bit more grace that you may normally parenting in a pandemic.

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


sex in the summer

How to keep cool while having sex in the summer

Recently Canela Lopez, writer at the Insider spoke to five sexologists and sex therapists on how to keep cool while having sex in the summer.

Amanda Pasciucco, LMFT, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, International Clinical Sexologist and Life Coaching and Therapy founder was interviewed by Lopez and provided her tips on having comfortable sex in the summer hot weather:

1) Why do some people find it more uncomfortable to have sex in hot weather?

People find it uncomfortable, because they usually are breathing incorrectly to begin with and aren’t hydrated. Therefore, when you add heat, and perspiration, this triggers “turn off” to certain individuals. Specifically those who are sensitive to touch and scents.

2) What awesome steps can couples take to make sex in the summer months more comfortable? 

It’s important to change your sheets weekly. Buy a sex blanket or use a towel to have close by! Always consider keeping lube right on your bedstead, so it is convenient.

If changing your sheets isn't helping, it might be time to consider buying a bigger bed.

Those who have more space are often more comfortable. Especially if one tends to run hot, it gives them connection. What I notice for those who share a queen is that one partner will go to a different bedroom and that ends up causing a disconnect erotically for the couple.

  • Summer heat can put a huge damper on your sex life, especially if you and your partner are sweat-averse.
  • Cranking the A/C unit or central air might be your first instinct to deal with the heat, but positioning a fan above you or having sex on cooler surfaces like shower tile, kitchen counters, and washing machines can also help.
  • Changing your outlook on sweat and body odor can also improve your sex life in the summer.

Sex in the summer can be a sticky disaster if you're averse to sweat, body odor, and heat.

Though not everyone's libido takes a hit, the heat can make couples more reluctant to get it on and even make it more difficult to cuddle.

"Vigorous sex can be a cardiovascular workout in and of itself, so sex in hot weather can be as challenging on the body as going for a run, for instance," Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, a sexuality educator & author, told Insider. "Lovers may also be more self-conscious about being sweatier, stickier and smellier than normal, including in their groin area. Body 'farts' from the wetness may also be a consequence, as bodies rub together, and a humorous distraction."

Psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler told Insider taking a lukewarm shower and patting down with a towel before having sex can help keep you cool while getting down and dirty.

If you have good balance, consider have shower sex.

"They make hand grips and foot shelves to make it possible," Buehler told Insider. "If you're both smaller in stature, you can try the tub."

Running an air-conditioning unit can also help cool you down.

"Speaking from personal experience, if you are able, get solar and run your A/C with abandon," Buehler told Insider.

But if you're trying to save money, getting a small fan and positioning it strategically can be a great alternative.

"Position a fan so that it blows on you, as the cooling effect will bring your skin to life in a totally different way, [like] some lovers experiencing harder nipples," Fulbright said. "Having the fan blow on your bottoms in certain positions [like] doggie style will have you experiencing sex in a noticeably different, but delightfully pleasurable way."

Between the Sheets

Dr. Tammy Nelson, a sex and couples therapist and author of "Getting the Sex You Want," told Insider the types of sheets you use during sex can actually be making you hotter. To avoid any unnecessary sweating, make sure to use pure cotton sheets.

"It's important to change your sheets weekly," Amanda Pasciucco, a sexologist and sex therapist based in Hartford, told Insider. "Buy a sex blanket or use a towel to have close by!"

If changing your sheets isn't helping, Pasciucco said it might be time to consider buying a bigger bed.

"I realize that those who have more space are often more comfortable. Especially if one tends to run hot, it gives them connection," Pasciucco told Insider. What I notice for those who share a queen is that one partner will go to a different bedroom and that ends up causing a disconnect erotically for the couple."

A lot of the stress that comes with summertime sex comes from the amount of sex and body heat exchanged when getting intimate.

Different sex positions could help limit that contact while keeping things pleasurable.

"Try some positions where your bodies are not directly touching as much like from behind or off the side of the bed," Dr. Rachel Needle, a psychologist and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, told Insider. "The less your bodies touch, the cooler you will be."

Doggie style, fisting, and ride style positions can all help you get around the heat.

Cold props and toys can offer fun sensations with while helping you and your partner (or partners) cool down.

"Rub ice cubes all over each other's bodies to cool things off," Needle said. "You can use cold items like ice creatively to increase pleasure and comfort."

If you're feeling particularly adventurous and the bedroom is simply too hot, trying out different surfaces around the house that are cooler to the touch can help.

"Find other places in your home and try new sexual positions, ones where you won't have as much skin to skin contact," Nelson told Insider. "For instance, standing up against counters in a kitchen or bathroom or up against washers or dryers in a laundry room. The stainless steel or granite can be cooler against your skin."

If you live with roommates, make sure to ask before going ahead and disinfect the surface when you're done.

Enjoy your wonderful, sex-filled summer!

 

If you aren't having the best sex of your life, schedule an appointment with Life Coaching and Therapy.

 


couples making love

How Often Are Couples Making Love?

How Often Are Couples Making Love?

 

When it comes to couples making love, it is easy to feel like everyone is doing it all the time. Perhaps you are friends with that ooey-gooey couple who can’t keep their hands off each other, or your sister brags about how her and her husband do it every night- AND her baby falls asleep, AND she’s been promoted at work, AND she works out everyday. It is easy to feel a little bummed if you haven’t been having as much sex as everyone else.

Or at least, how much sex you think they are having! The problem with the above scenario is the constant comparison. You don’t know what issues are lying beneath the surface, if the sex is satisfying, or if it even happened at all! Luckily, a lot of research has gone into couples making love, and sexual habits in general.

 

What Are the Stats on Couples Making Love?

We’ll cut to the chase- according to The Archives of Sexual Behavior couples are on average making love 54 times per year, which amounts to once per week on average.

Does this seem like a lot? Does this seem like a little? Your perspective on this will depend on your level of sexual satiation, which essentially describes how satisfied you are with your sex life once you’ve settled into a routine with your relationship. Once the honeymoon phase is over (about a year to 18 months or so), you’ve been there, done that, couples will begin to have less spontaneous sex, but their relationship is likely becoming stronger.

In fact, research shows that people in happy relationships have better sex, NOT vice versa.

Better sex in this context means sex that resulted in orgasm- though we know that orgasms don’t necessarily define a satisfying sexual experience! Yet, numbers still seem to come into play. According to Social Psychology and Personality Science, couples who have sex at least once per week are happier with their relationships overall.

If this seems contradictory, it is! Sexuality and sex are nuanced, fluid and flexible- which is why stats can sometimes be confusing when it comes to gauging your own sex life against the numbers.

There are also numerous factors that can affect your relationship- AND your sex life!

Couples making love once per week may be more satisfied in their relationships, however they may have some privilege at play. According to a survey conducted by AARP, people without financial worries who experience a low stress level have the most sex…and the most satisfying sex. Seems a little unfair! Sadly, it makes sense- it’s hard to get in the mood if you are stressed about how you’re going to pay the rent.

 

What are some other factors?

Age can come into play- from the age of 30 onward, weekly sexual activity decreases with every decade according to The Kinsey Institute in Indiana. While folks under 30 are having sex an average 112 times per year, that number gradually decreases and people who are 50+ tend to average about 52 times per year. Which is still almost once per week- you go, Grandma!

Sex Drive is a factor couples making love must consider. Sometimes, everyone goes through phases of low libido, and this can be due to anything from stress to illness to exhaustion to being busy with other life events like a move, new job or child. If you or your partner are dealing with a lower sex drive than usual, it is rarely to do with their attraction to their partner- so don’t take it personally! Sex therapists can help determine these underlying factors for low libido and help you overcome them.

Values can mean differing priorities when it comes to the relationship, which isn’t automatically a bad thing. If what you both value in a relationship is comfort, stability, companionship, being amazing parents and sex is far down the list for both of you, great! If, however, sex is an important expression of love for one of you and not the other, tensions can arise.

 

Bottom line:

When it comes to your level of sexual satiation, what really, truly matters is how you feel- not some statistic or random number that may or may not work for you!

When looking into your sexual satiation, ask yourself some important questions to determine if you are truly satisfied, or if you’re in need of some extra help!

If as a couple you’ve “been there, done that”, how does that make you feel?

Do you feel:

  • Comfortable
  • Trusting
  • Like you have nothing to prove
  • Deeply connected to your partner
  • Loved

Or do you feel:

  • Rejected
  • Bored
  • Restless
  • Unattractive

How often you have sex is only a problem if it feels like a problem or is putting strain on the relationship. If you feel cozy, secure and loved, not getting it on can feel just fine. If you are anxious about how your partner perceives you, feel rejected when you make sexual advances or are restless and tempted to cheat, it is a sure sign you are in need of more sexual connection and therapy for an underlying issue as a couple.

If you feel satisfied, loved and like you have good communication, then you shouldn’t need to ask how often are couples making love- just do what feels right for you and your partner!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


love language quiz

Get On The Same Page and Take a Love Language Quiz!

Get On The Same Page and Take a Love Language Quiz!

A love language quiz is a great way to figure out what makes you and your partner(s) feel most loved. The concept of the love languages was first popularized in Dr. Gary Chapman’s bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages, yet the concept of these strategies for connection has been used by couples therapists for decades in one way or another.

A love language quiz can help you if you find your love is a little lost in translation, and it can be a simple way to bring some clarity to how you or your partner interpret love and what you value in your relationships, both romantic and platonic.

So, what are the love languages and what do they mean?

 

Results For a Love Language Quiz

1.Words of Affirmation

If you desire to be praised, encouraged or told “I love you” regularly to feel connected to your partner, your love language may be words of affirmation!

Text messages telling you to have a wonderful day, compliments on your appearance, acknowledgment of your hard work, and praise for your accomplishments are all things that can make you (or another) feel loved, connected and appreciated.

People who desire words of affirmation may feel hurt or neglected if they do not have frequent verbal (or written) reassurance that they are loved, attractive and appreciated. 

Even if their partner feels all of these things towards them, if it isn’t being communicated verbally a person who needs words of affirmation may not pick up on it.

If your partner needs words of affirmation to feel connected to you, try complimenting them more, or thanking them for things that they do around the house, or send them kind or flirty messages via text out of the blue regularly. This includes telling them they are beautiful and sexy! A simple “I love you” is also impactful and a classic if you can’t always find the words.

love language quiz 

2.Acts of Service

This may be your love language if you feel most appreciated when your partner does things for you, big and small, or does the tasks they know you don’t like, or find ways to generally make your life better through their actions. Action is definitely the key word here!

Running you a bath, bringing you a hot cup of coffee in the morning while you’re just barely awake, scraping the ice off of your car because they know you hate doing it, driving your mother to the airport- for you, actions speak louder than words, and these are the kinds of things that make you really feel your partner cares.

You can feel let down if your partner doesn’t seem to help out, or if they don’t follow through on a promise. The key to feeling loved for you is that your partner wants to take actions both large and small that will make your life easier or happier.

If your partner requires acts of service, realize that the little things can really add up: a gesture as simple as doing their laundry or making their favorite meal after a stressful day can have a big impact. And of course, grander gestures are always welcome: take their car in for an oil change after they’ve been complaining they haven’t had time to do it, help your brother-in-law move into his new apartment. It is important to your partner that you consistently notice when they are tired, overwhelmed or busy and that you make efforts to help them- without necessarily being asked!

love language quiz 

3.Receiving Gifts

This love language is pretty much what you’d expect- you love getting gifts and treats as confirmation that you are loved! They needn’t be lavish or expensive, sometimes the most thoughtful token is the most memorable.

A small souvenir from a business trip, fresh flowers “just because”,  picking up something silly because it reminds them of an inside joke you share- these are the things that make you feel cherished. Of course, a diamond bracelet wouldn’t hurt, yet it isn’t the gift itself. 

The thought behind it that makes you feel special.

If receiving gifts is your love language, you may feel let down if your partner “doesn’t believe in exchanging gifts” or only gives you gifts on appropriate occasions like birthdays- and even then, they are impersonal or generic. The important thing is that the gift is an expression of their love- not materialistic bait to keep you hanging on.

Gifts can also represent relationship milestones in your mind, symbols of progress: think a family heirloom making you feel like you’re being welcomed into your partner’s family, or a tiny pair of baby socks to celebrate a pregnancy, lingerie or sex toys to show how desired you are, or a trip somewhere you’ve been dreaming of as an expression of their excitement to go on adventures together. If money is a concern, you may feel guilty for feeling neglected, but gifts can be as simple as a homemade card, some candy or a joke gift that will bring you a laugh.

love language quiz 

4.Quality Time

The love language of quality time is all about giving (or receiving) undivided attention. It is about feeling like your partner actually wants to spend time with you, even if you’re not doing anything together!

Reading books quietly side by side, special date nights on the regular, taking time to check in and be close with each other are all aspects of spending quality time with your partner.

It can be hurtful if your partner is flaky with plans, is distracted or texting during a date or doesn’t seem to be engaged when you’re having conversations. It can make you feel unimportant or like you’re playing second fiddle to other aspects of your partner’s life and they never have time to see you.

If your partner values quality time as a love language, try really paying attention to them when they talk about their day. Ask questions, and put down the phone! Take them on a romantic date, or book a vacation for just the two of you- whatever you can do to show your partner that time with them is just as important (if not more) than the time you spend on other parts of your life such as work or school. It’s not about making your partner your ONLY priority- it’s about making time spent together a priority that you take seriously and enjoy!

quality time 

5.Physical Touch

The love language of physical touch is not just reserved for sexually intimate moments- it can be non-sexual moments of physical affection, sweet kisses, tickles, or simply holding hands. Of course, sex can be a major expression of love no matter what your love language is!

You can feel rejected if you crave physical touch, yet your partner is shy about holding your hand in public. Similarly, if they only seem to kiss you when being sexually intimate, or if they don’t seem to want sex as often as you do… it can lead to confusing for those who value phyical touch. 

If physical closeness is important to you, any rejection of that closeness can really sting, and a lack of connection can make you feel lonely and distant.

If your partner needs physical touch as an expression of love, deliberately look for opportunities to touch them in everyday life: 

  • stroke their hair
  • hold their hand
  • scratch their back
  • give them a massage
  • Many hugs for no reason
  • Touch your feet together while you catch up on your tv shows

touch

If they feel like they have a higher libido than you do and need more sexual contact to feel loved, it may be time to evaluate your sexual communication and desires with the help of a registered therapist. 

Remember, you shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex if you don’t want to, and they shouldn’t pressure you either! 

To be clear, the love language of physical touch isn’t necessarily sexual, so finding ways to be closer in day to day life can be a worthwhile challenge you can begin to explore right away!

 

After reading about all five of the love languages, you may realize that one or two - or even all five - resonate with you. This is normal! 

Most people are a combination of all of the love languages in some way. The key is realizing which language you desire from a partner (and which language they desire from you) to bring clarity to how you communicate and show appreciation, and what your expectations are from loving relationships. 

Tip one… start by spending some time together taking a love language quiz!

LOVE LANGUAGE QUIZ HERE!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Things That Destroy A Marriage

7 Things That Destroy A Marriage

7 Things That Destroy A Marriage

 

Have you ever wondered why it is so easy for a conversation or discussion to go wrong? Here are 7 Things That Destroy a Marriage!

In this video I will reveal 7 basic 7 Things That Destroy a Marriage and then provide you with a very useful communication techniques  that will guide you to recover from things that destroy a marriage to help you improve communication with your partner... or with anyone.

In no time, this tips can improve your relationship and help you STOP doing the 7 Things That Destroy a Marriage and Help you replace them! Do you do things that destroy a marriage?

Amanda Pasciucco, an AASECT certified sex therapist and owner of Life Coaching and Therapy, shares her tips to success! Amanda has been featured multiple times on CNN, Playboy, PornHub, Maxim, Daily Mail, Men’s Health, Hartford Courant, HeadSpace, VICE, and more!

 

DOWNLOAD OUR "BEHIND THE SCENES OF COMMUNCATION" GUIDE

https://gn91oeao.pages.infusionsoft.net ←HERE

 

Watch now:

 

NEW VIDEOS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 9 PM EST

 

Say hi on social:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/thesexhealer

Instagram: http://instagram.com/thesexhealer

 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


gender expression

Gender Expression and Gender Identity

Gender Expression and Gender Identity

 

What is it? 

It is talked about so much now and so often we find people needing more information about gender and its different facets. 

I am writing this as a way to help create some clarity surrounding gender, gender conformity, and gender expression - I hope it helps!

 

What is Gender?

Gender is a social construction that we focus on how we show our gender which stereotypically is man/boy or girl/woman. 

As we have progressed in the understanding of gender, many are able to see that gender is beyond the binary of man and woman. 

Gender is how we express our experience of being male or female regardless of natal (birth) sex. 

Reminder: sex and gender are different.

 

Gender Expression

Gender is something we express to those around us, it is not something we are “born with.” Without gender expression people would not necessarily know our gender because again sex and gender are different. 

Gender expression is how we show our gender through clothing, what we wear, jewelry, make up, art, hair style, colors, etc. Gender is not tied to our genitals or physical body, we are assigned a gender at birth based on our “natal” or birth sex. 

As we age, we learn to express our gender in what feels comfortable for us. Many people are influenced on what society prescribes us to where based on our assigned genders. 

Others express their gender based on what feels most right for them regardless if that is within societies standards of expression of gender or not.

gender expression

 

Gender Conforming

Gender conforming individuals are people who adhere to “normative” cultural standards surrounding gender expression. 

This would be a woman dressing in feminine attire or what our culture would consider acceptable for a woman (dress, leggings, certain colors, etc.) or a man dressing in “masculine” attire (pants, athletic gear, polos, tshirts, etc). 

The majority of our culture is “gender conforming” because that is what is expected and acceptable. 

People, generally, like to feel connected and accepted in our culture so most people will follow or conform to what is “in style” or “appropriate” for their gender.

Gender conforming can also be defined as following the “rules”  to your assigned gender at birth or your natal sex. 

Some would not consider transgender people to be gender conforming, even if they are wearing clothes that match their gender. 

Most of the clients and people in our world are gender conforming. 

What I work on with these clients is challenging these “normative” beliefs in order for them to assess what truly is comfortable for them so that it is a conscious choice rather than an unconscious one. 

So often when we conform, we do not think, we just do without being conscious. Whatever your choice is, I want you to realize it is a choice.

 

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative

Gender Non-Conforming or Gender Creative are people who’s gender expression does not follow the stereotypical “rules” surrounding what is expected in male or female attire. 

Additionally, individuals who are gender creative may have a different style completely or may fluctuate between what the culture considers masculine and feminine. 

Some people may present more neutral or androgenous while others may shift their gender expression based on activity, crowd, emotion, or internal desire. 

People who are gender creatives may identify with their assigned gender or may identify with other identities such as non-binary, gender queer, gender fluid, gender bending, gender non-conforming, or something else. 

For the clients that I work with who are gender creatives, often have a strong sense of internal identity and also really connect with the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. Others do not connect to either at all. 

 

Gender Identity and Gender Expression are NORMAL!

To be clear, there is nothing clinically problematic or concerning about gender expression or identity AT ALL. 

The individuals who see me and are gender non-confomring or creative are either seeing me for a completely different reason (and just want an identity affirming therapist) or are wanting to work through how to manage the difficulties within our society with “non-conforming.” 

As you may imagine, someone who is not conforming to societal norms experiences a lot of unique stressors, and with gender expression being something that you “show” the world - it creates a lot of difficulty due to people’s hate and inability to learn and grow. 

Regardless of how you express your gender, whether you conform or not, at LCAT we see you and we are here to help provide a safe, comfortable environment for you to explore yourself and learn and grow to be in your best empowered self!

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


how to use a vibrator

How to Use a Vibrator

How to Use a Vibrator

 

Let’s cut to the chase: you want to learn how to use a vibrator. 

It doesn’t really matter why- maybe you’re curious, maybe you have a vibrator but can’t quite get the orgasms you want, or maybe your partner wants to incorporate one into your sex life.

Don’t be embarrassed if you feel like you “should” know how to use a vibrator- there are so many options, techniques and erogenous zones to explore it would be impossible to know everything without a little education! No matter how new you are to the wonderful world of vibrators, everyone could benefit from a crash course on how to use a vibrator.

 

Who Should Use a Vibrator?

The short answer is of course ANYONE can use a vibrator! While the marketing of vibrating sex toys have been aimed at able bodied, cisgender women for years (who can forget The Rabbit’s infamous episode on Sex and The City?), anyone can use a vibrator. In fact, you may find it MORE liberating to explore your sexuality, new sensations with or without a partner when you use a vibrator.

  • People with vaginas and vulvas: from clitoris stimulating bullets to thrusting g-spot ticklers, you can use a vibrator many different ways to stimulate different areas of your vagina and vulva. Definitely don’t forget Betty’s Barbell - one of my personal favorites! I suggest all owners of vaginas to purchase one! You will not be disappointed. 
  • People with Penises and Prostates: People with penises and prostates needn’t miss out! You can use a vibrator for constriction (like a vibrating sleeve or cockring) or stimulation of the head, shaft and scrotum. You can also use a vibrator (with a flared base!) to stimulate the prostate, which can be hard to reach at times with only a finger.
  • People with Anuses: Anal penetration can be a pleasurable way to use a vibrator, and it is even possible to orgasm from anal stimulation if you don’t have a prostate!
  • People with Sexual Trauma: some people who have experienced sexual trauma may find hands triggering during sexual activity. You may find it soothing to use a vibrator (or have your partner use a vibrator) in order to enjoy a sexual experience without manual touching.
  • People with Bigger Bodies, Limited Mobility or Disabilities: people who may find it difficult to reach certain bits can have fulfilling, exciting and pleasurable sex lives, and choosing to use a vibrator may help! Whether using a vibrator on your partner or yourself, it may help with touching places that are out of reach, stimulate body parts in a way that is gentler or more intense depending on your preferences, or allow you to enjoy longer sex sessions. Some toys can be attached or mounted to people, walls, floors, beds, chairs etc so you can use a vibrator hands-free!
  • Plus, anyone of any race, sexuality, background or economic status: There are stigmas around sex toys, and they have primarily been marketed to white, cisgender folks. While the industry has a lot of catching up to do to make up for their insensitive marketing, packaging and promotion of stereotypes, you deserve pleasure and deserve to use a vibrator that makes you feel good. There is a range of types, materials and prices, and a variety of stores that serve diverse communities so everyone should thankfully be able to find something that brings them pleasure without compromise!

How to Use a Vibrator

How to Use a Vibrator...

So where do you even start?! The best place to begin when learning how to use a vibrator is to start with what you know you like and move on to what you think you might want to explore. Different vibrators are made for different purposes, so consider what kind of stimulus you want to explore when you use a vibrator:

  • Clitoral Stimulation: you can purchase a tiny bullet vibrator that is perfect for focused vibrations of varying intensity on your clitoris; or, many vibrators such as the infamous Rabbit have both a vibrating shaft AND a tickling clitoris stimulator so you can enjoy stimulation to your clit and g-spot simultaneously for a blended orgasm. Really any vibrator can be used to stimulate the clitoris, penetration is never an obligation if you buy a phallic or shaft-like vibrator!
  • G-spot stimulation & Vaginal Penetration: again, something dual purpose that can penetrate while stimulating the clitoris can be extra fun. There are also vibrators with curves and texture to specifically reach and tickle your g-spot. Yum!
  • Prostate and anal penetrative stimulation: find a vibrator with a flared base and no detachable pieces so you can safely enjoy vibrating anal penetration. Some are even shaped specifically to help reach and stimulate the prostate for toe-curling orgasms. A flared base is mandatory for any anal toy so it doesn’t get lost in the anus- talk about a bummer!
  • Constrictive Penile Stimulation: you could use cockrings that vibrate while constricting blood flow to your penis; “flesh light”/sleeve style vibrators you can jerk off with or simply at back and let the vibrator do the work for a “hands off” experience.
  • Tickling: Who says you have to use a vibrator on your genitals? You can use a vibrator anywhere on your body for tickling and teasing: try using your vibrator on your nipples, inner thighs, neck, arms or stomach for different sensations.
  • 2 for 1: this can include cockrings that have clitoral stimulators built in so you can stimulate your partner’s clit while thrusting your penis; double-ended vibrators that can be inserted into two vaginas at once; or strap-on vibrating dildos so you can be stimulated while you penetrate your partner vaginally or anally (be sure the toy is secured with a flared base).

No matter how you plan to use a vibrator, make sure you are using one that is made from non-porous materials and is easy to clean! Infections aren’t super sexy, so find a vibrator made from silicone, ABS plastic or stainless steel and avoid materials like PVC, thermoplastic rubber or jelly latex so it can be sparkling clean for your next sexy adventure! A toy safe cleaning spray or foam is an excellent investment for quick cleanup. When learning how to use a vibrator, the only thing you need to remember is: have fun, and don’t be afraid to explore!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.


Sexless marriage

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage - and How to Fix It!

Why You’re In A Sexless Marriage- and How to Fix It!

 

If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, it is easy to feel rejected, hopeless and a little embarrassed. A sexless marriage is more common than you may think, and is rarely a standalone issue.

A sexless marriage is usually a symptom of another issue you are having as a couple. The great news is that with the help of a therapist, these issues can be tackled and bring you closer together than before.

 

A Sexless Marriage vs A Dry Spell

All marriages will have “dry spells”- perhaps you have a busy month, someone is sick, or any other zillion things that can get in the way of some time between the sheets (or on the couch, or on the kitchen table, or in the car....). A sexless marriage is a chronic, prolonged amount of time that is abnormal for you as a couple and leaves both parties with unmet needs. Some experts say this means having sex less than 10 times per year, other experts are hesitant to put a number on it because needs and the definition of sex varies greatly from couple to couple.

sexless marriage

 

Reasons Why You’re in a Sexless Marriage

Again, it is worth working with a therapist to unpack any issues that are contributing to a sexless marriage, however the following reasons you may be in a sexless marriage can help get you and your partner reflecting on why- and how to begin fixing it:

 

  1. Lack of Communication

     

It always comes down to a lack of communication, doesn’t it?! While communication doesn’t seem sexy, a lack of it can really make for a sexless marriage! Not communicating when something is bothering you is a recipe for building resentment, which is very unsexy. While it may take some professional input to unpack resentments that have built over years or are even the result of a traumatic breach of trust such as infidelity, you can begin to cultivate the habit of communication. When something bugs you, or if you feel hurt or rejected, don’t hold it in but also try to avoid these crucial conversations if either of you are stressed, tired, angry or otherwise emotionally raw. Cool, calm and collected and willing to stop and listen to the other side is a great start!

 

  1. You don’t ever talk about sex

 

A sexless marriage can also be a symptom of shame and embarrassment around fantasies, perceived lack of knowledge or a lack of open communication (there it is again!) around desires you worry are taboo. Remember: no one is magically born with amazing sexual skills! Just like any other skill, it requires practice and feedback. If you’re in a sexless marriage because sex just isn’t satisfying or you have a desire you feel you can’t share with your partner out of fear, take the plunge and start talking about sex. It isn’t about laying out everything you don’t like about sex with your partner, it is about encouraging what works and discussing your needs, desires and boundaries!

 

  1. Performance Anxiety

 

“If I don’t try, then I can’t fail”. A sexless marriage can sometimes be a case of crippling performance anxiety that has become an ingrained mentality, kind of a bad mental habit. This of course ties into so many other issues: self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of communication about sex and desires, or even a physiological response to underlying trauma. If you avoid sex altogether because you are afraid of letting your partner down or being criticized, it might be time to do a deep dive with a therapist together to fix your sexless marriage and improve your self worth! You deserve a healthy, satisfying sex life and you can learn how to please each other, even if it takes a little outside help!

 

  1. You’ve Fallen into a “roommate” dynamic

 

Maintaining a household, splitting bills, cooking meals, cleaning, doing laundry, arguing over who’s turn it is to empty the dishwasher- it can be easy to fall into a sexless marriage when the minutiae of day to day life takes over. You may be happily cohabiting, but is the small stuff piling up and getting in the way of seeing your partner in a way that invokes sexual desire? Obviously, as relationships progress that initial hormonal boost that made you so hot for each other int he beginning fades, but there’s no need to resign yourselves to a platonic existence!

 

A sexless marriage can be helped by deliberately making an effort to experience life (and your partner) erotically. Focus on parts of them that turn you on, or actions they take that make you feel aroused. Is paying a bill inherently sexy? No, but maybe the way your partner signs their name is, or how they lick their lips while they concentrate on how to reduce the overall energy expenditure next month, or the way their arm looks strong holding groceries can become new, more subtle turn ons.

Sexless marriage

 

  1. You rely on spontaneity

 

At the beginning, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and now you can’t even remember the last time you saw each other naked “for fun”. If your sexless marriage is a byproduct of feeling more like sex should “just happen”, why not add sex to the to-do list? It may seem like making sex “a chore”, but the opposite is true: it gives you something to look forward to, and a mandated opportunity to connect, touch, and experience intimacy. You can even plan themes or games that you want to try! Think of it like this- Valentine’s Day isn’t necessary or the only opportunity to show someone you love them, and it isn’t spontaneous, but having a specific day devoted to love and romance in addition to your day to day love or unexpected rendezvous is something to look forward to and make special. So make these planned “date nights” special, you deserve it! And who knows, it may become second nature and prompt more spontaneous encounters!

 

What now?

You’ve scoured the internet for advice on how to fix your sexless marriage and have picked up a few tips, so what now? Try them out! 

And most importantly, communicate, communicate, communicate! 

Take some time to discuss creative, kind and productive solutions, as well as what has been contributing to your sexless marriage- yet, listen to and empathize with your partner, and above all… don’t criticize. 

A sex therapist can help facilitate these conversations if you find you’re having trouble opening up or making productive changes. 

Never forget: it takes some work, vulnerability and communication, yet you can fix a sexless marriage!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel - The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.