Learn to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

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Learn to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

 

You’ve heard about the 5 Love Languages, and now imagine what a Sex Therapist has to say about GIVING in YOUR PARTNERS LOVE LANGUAGE! 

Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts has been around for decades. 

That’s an eternity in our fast-changing, “what’s new today” world. 

There are many reasons the book and the lessons have such staying power. 

When people read the book, it is as if the author sees inside of us. The author knows what behaviors drive us and often this speaks to the holes in our lives that are yearning to be filled. 

Like most relationship advice or personality quizzes we get, we immediately think, “What does this mean for me?” 

It’s like a lightbulb goes off in our heads when we put words to what makes us feel happy and loved. 

Learning your own love language, especially if you’ve found yourself constantly disappointed in love, is like finally finding buried treasure when you had a feeling it was there. 

It’s understandable that we immediately gravitate toward analyzing our own love languages. But what about our partners, the people who rely on us to speak their language and keep their buckets full? Indeed, discovering our own love languages is groundbreaking, but learning to speak someone else’s love language is where the real magic happens. It’s where romantic relationships experience real breakthroughs. 

 

Dealing with Language Matches

If you’re matched with someone with overlapping love languages, it’s easy to think things will be smooth sailing. Sure, there are definite benefits to two people who speak the same love language pairing up. Adjustments can be less strenuous for everyone. 

5 love language

There are, though, challenges to speaking the same languages. What happens when you both need to be spoken to at the same time? Physical touch might be easier because you’re being touched as you touch your partner, but what about something like acts of service? It can be hard to do something nice like making dinner for your partner when you feel like dinner should be made for you. 

When you both need the same bucket filled to stay happy and feel loved, it’s easy for resentment to creep in. And resentment is one of the major determinants to loving relationships. When you speak the same love language as your partner, you need to focus on overcoming your ego maybe more than others do. 

Fight the urge to hold back love, touch, affirmation, or acts of service as a ransom. The best thing to do is to give love freely, without strings attached, and communicate with your partner if you feel like your love language needs to be spoken more loudly or more often. 

 

When You Need to Learn to Speak a New Language

For most of us, getting involved with a partner or being in a romantic relationship means we’re learning a new language. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s more. We can’t stress the importance of becoming fluent in your partner’s love languages enough. 

Too many people go through their lives feeling like they’re supportive, dependable lovers. All the while, their partners secretly wish they were touched a bit more, or that their partner was more giving. Our first instinct in romantic relationships is to speak to our partners in our love languages. 

Imagine a scene in a movie where explorers discover new land. When they first come in contact with the local people, they try to speak to them in a language they don’t understand, yet they repeat themselves over and over as if it was simply a matter of not hearing them enough! It’s too often the same with love languages. We can touch our partner, give them all the sex and massages in the world, but your message won’t get through if all they want is for you to make them dinner. 

What you should do, whenever appropriate, is to have a talk with your partner about what they need to feel loved. What speaks to them? How do they appreciate love being expressed? When you find out what their love languages are, you’ll have a clearer path to effective communication. 

Just because you know what their love language is, speaking it’s not easy. Showing love in a different language takes conscious effort and conditioning. The payoff, though, is worth it. When you start to speak your partner’s love language, you enter the wonderful world of reciprocation. Partners find themselves in a virtuous cycle of filling their partner’s buckets and having theirs filled in return. 

 

The Love Language Starter Pack

You don’t just start speaking a language fluently once you know its name, and the same is true for love languages. Knowing what to do with finding out your partner’s love language can be hard, especially if you’ve never spoken it. Here are some easy pointers for how to speak any one of the love languages.

5 love language

Physical Touch

If your partner needs physical touch, make sure to come in contact with them regularly. It can be anything from a touch on the arm to snuggling up next to each other on the couch to watch a movie. Sex, of course, is always welcome. However, avoid the appearance of touching your partner only because you know they want or need it. 

 

Acts of Service

Acts of service can vary from small things like taking out the trash to coming through when your partner’s in a bind. Do the little things like help with chores. Make the bed, do the dishes, and pay the credit card. Remember the big things, too. 

 

Words of Affirmation

People who speak this love language need verbal support. They thrive on getting compliments. Tell your partner you believe in them. Send a card or a text on occasion expressing why you love them and what they mean to you. 

 

Quality Time

Speak quality time by dedicating moments where you and your partner can focus on each other. Go on a date and don’t look at your phone once. Make frequent eye contact and ask them meaningful questions. Schedule a class or a fun activity together. 

 

Receiving Gifts

Don’t buy gift cards. Take the time to think about meaningful gifts and get them for birthdays, anniversaries, and, every so often, just because. Take note anytime your partner says they need something and make sure to go out and get it. 

5 love languageYou can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Relationship Goals

Eight Relationship Goals for the New Year

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Eight Relationship Goals for the New Year

 

Are you ready to start making your New Year’s Relationship Goals? Yes, it’s that time of year when we all start thinking about resolutions. 

Don’t let the Debbie Downers in your life make you think resolutions are lame. What’s not to love about a little self reflection and a bit of planning… especially in the name of romance!

Another variation of having a new year’s resolutions is to say you have GOALS. Although the end of each year is a convenient time to think about the year that’s gone by, it is important to examine quarterly what you’d like to accomplish moving forward.

If you’re not in the habit of setting goals, give it a try. 

There’s something magical about writing down your hopes and aspirations. They tend to come true! 

Not just by luck, the act of verbalizing and documenting relationship goals commits us subconsciously. We speak our vision into being.

 

Relationship Goals

We’re not here today to talk about getting in the gym more often or getting that raise at work. Those are great, and if it’s something you want to shoot for, go for it. Today, we are here to talk about relationships.

We spend so much time focusing on falling in love and finding the right person, but we don’t focus enough on what it takes to stay in love or even fall deeper into love. Yes, there are levels to emotional connection in relationships that take effort but are so, so worth it.

Whether you and your partner are stuck in a rut and need to ignite your sex life, or you’re looking to take things in your relationship to the next level, here are 8 relationship resolutions to consider heading into 2020.

 

  1. Work on Yourself

 

We all catch ourselves wishing our partner would lose a little weight, spend less time on their phone, or quit smoking. It’s easy to project our wishes on other people. New Year’s isn’t the time for projecting our wishes on other people, it’s time to focus on ourselves.

It’s fine if you want to commit yourself to certain standards. Saying you resolve to not date anyone who smokes is much different than a resolution to help your current partner quit. The sooner you realize you can’t change other people, the better. Emphasize self-improvement and get a better perspective on what you can control.

 

  1. Dedicate Time to Each Other

    Relationship Goals

We get it. It’s easy to get in a zone where you take each other for granted. Life throws so much at us that it can be easy to forget why we’re together sometimes. The only way to beat back the complacency that creeps into relationships is by spending time with your partner to remember what it is you love about them.

And guess what? You’ll probably be surprised when you do. People change. The person you’re with now is different than the person you first fell in love with one, five, or fifteen years ago. Spending time alone together is a process of continual learning where you connect with your partner and discover new parts of them you didn’t know before.

 

  1. Make Sex a Priority!

In 2020, sex should be on your mind! Physical intimacy is a huge component of a relationship’s well-being. If sex has become a bit drab, make it a New Year’s relationship resolution to spice things up between the sheets.

Check out my video on “How to Seduce Your Spouse” 

Buy some sex toys, lingerie, or whatever else will get you or your partner in the mood. Try out a bit of role-playing, light BDSM, or some other way to change things up so it’s not the same old every time.

 

  1. Support Your Partner

Remember that time your partner said they wanted to quit their job to pursue art? Or that one year they said they wanted to take up cooking lessons? Resist the urge to be negative or critical when your partner wants to try something new. After all, they’re probably thinking about 2020 resolutions too.

Instead of resisting or poking fun, resolve this year to lend support to your partner with whatever they want to pursue. When your partner feels more fulfilled, you’ll be happier too.

 

  1. Get Your Finances in Order

If you’re married or in a long-term committed relationship, odds are you’ve fought over money in the past. Financial stress is one of the main challenges to relationships.

Relationship Goals

When the finances are a mess, it has a direct impact on how happy the two of you are.

Resolve in the new year to pay down debt, save a bit more, and spend on activities that will benefit your relationship. When you don’t have to spend so much time worrying about the bills, you have more mental space to give to the person you love.

 

  1. Give Therapy a Try

If you haven’t tried couple’s counseling yet, make 2020 the year you finally give it a shot. Couple’s counseling isn’t only for people struggling in a relationship. Even if things are great, you can benefit from seeing a licensed therapist.

Counseling is a great way to arm yourselves with communication tools for when any challenges arise. Counselors  also help you practice empathy and see things from your partner’s perspective.

Text therapy is a secure and convenient way to get frequent and intensive coaching from any location. 

 

  1. Implement a No-Phone Zone

Have you ever tried to bring up something serious with your partner, only to have them staring down at their phone? It’s deflating and chances are you’re not innocent either. More and more families and couples are instituting a no-phone zone to help people pay more attention to each other.

In a February 2019 article, Sehar Shoukat wrote that, “Excessive use of smartphone paired with negative attitude and feeling of anxiety and dependency on gadgets may increase the risk of anxiety and depression…”. The more we can push away from our phones, we can interact with people we love and improve our overall moods. 

Set a part of the house as a no-phone zone, or tell yourself that after a certain time, there’s no more phone or screens allowed. Instead of scrolling through social media, you’ll have more time to listen to your partner and engage one on one.

 

  1. Set a Goal Together

Relationships, like life, are about growth and progress. No matter who we are, we all feel stunted if we’re stalled in life. We need hobbies, work, or some other project to give us meaning.

Set a goal with your partner that’s something you are both interested in. Be careful, because you need to make sure the goal is something you both want to do. The goal cannot just be something one of you wants to do, and the other tags along. When you do something together you’ll build more common interests. Down the road those interests will be the thread that holds the two of you together.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Sexy Couples

Why Are Sexy Couples So Damn Hot?

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Why Are Sexy Couples So Damn Hot?

 

Have you ever come across sexy couples and realize that you’re drawn to them for some strange reason? Perhaps you’ve seen them interacting across a restaurant or chatted with them at a dinner party.

Sometimes, we’re attracted to couples we’re more intimate with. It could be close friends we’ve known for a long time. Secretly, we envy something about their relationship.

When we see sexy couples, we admire the way they touch each other, laugh together, or just the way they look at each other. There’s something about them or their relationship that feels deeply desirable.

Usually, we’re too shy to tell them how we feel. Inside, we hunger for something similar. The couples become a mini obsession we grow to desire.

At times, the couples we find sexy aren’t people we are traditionally attracted to. They don’t match the physical or personality attributes we’d list to friends.

Outside Attraction is Natural Even Among Committed Couples

It’s ok to admit it, we all fantasize about people from time to time. It’s unrealistic to think that your current partner is the only one you’ll ever find sexy. That doesn’t mean we’re going to be unfaithful.

Once we realize the sexual desire for others is normal, it can even add a lot more fun into our committed relationships!

Supportive partners help each other fulfill fantasy within boundaries. Add a little adventure into your sex life by introducing a bit of roleplaying. 

If you know your partner is feeling a certain kind of way about someone, try to play that up. Take on some of their personality traits or dress the way they do to make sex more interesting.

Hopefully, you nor your partner is overly jealous. It’s great when both of you are willing to talk about attraction or desire for other people. 

Let loose, and let sexy couples improve your own love life with a little fantasy. 

Try to embody aspects of their relationship that draw you in. Fantasy is an important part of the intoxication with sexy couples! 

 

Sexual Desire is Fluid

Sexy Couples

Many people experience changes in sexual desire. As we grow into our sexuality, we realize attraction and desire are fluid. They don’t always stay the same.

It’s a hard phenomenon to understand, and sometimes we are drawn to a person or sexy couples for reasons we can’t explain.

Most people, if they’re honest, can pinpoint times in their lives when they were attracted to someone who was not their “type.” People attracted to the other sex can feel the desire for same-sex individuals at times. 

Sometimes, it’s difficult to reconcile our feelings with our understanding of who we are as individuals. What does it mean, as a female, you find yourself attracted to both partners in a sexy couple you come across? It can be confusing when our sexual desires change. 

Labels are Helpful Yet Not Always Necessary

Over the years, labels have helped marginalized people or misunderstood claim space in society. 

The emphasis on labels, though, has led a lot of people to feel the need that everything must be labeled so that it’s understood. 

We often feel a need to declare what something is so we know how to approach and process our feelings.

Don’t be so quick to label yourself over your feelings of attraction and desire. We shouldn’t put pressure on ourselves to define every feeling or desire. Labels are good as long as they don’t put you in a box that you don’t want to be in.

If you are struggling, on the other hand, with defining your feelings of attraction and desire, the Kinsey Scale can help. For decades, the Kinsey Scale has helped people realize that sexual feelings change over time and aren’t always constant.

 

The Kinsey Scale

Dr. Alfred Kinsey led a team of researchers in interviewing thousands of people about their sexual attractions. It gauged over time how attractions and desires changed. The study found that sexual orientation shifts. Sometimes people declared themselves strictly attracted to the other sex, while at other times expressing a greater openness to homosexual feelings.

The Kinsey Scale[1] was created to help people understand the fluidity in sexual attraction better. It rates sexual attraction from 0-6, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual (other sex) and 6 being exclusively homosexual (same sex).

Sexy CouplesThe study was completed decades ago, and it’s had a huge impact. Books on the subject have sold millions of copies in a multitude of languages. Many of the conversations we have about sexual attraction today have roots in the Kinsey Scale.

We Can’t Explain Attraction

It’s not always possible to explain how we feel. Certain people, places, and conditions trigger a variety of emotions in people. You can find a couple or another individual extremely sexy at a certain point in your life, and then laugh about how you felt ten years later. Things change.

It’s important to embrace our feelings of attraction and try to understand what they mean about our sexuality. Fighting against feelings can lead to unnecessary internal struggles that could trigger depression or anxiety. Don’t force a definition on yourself. Embrace your feelings of attraction. The best thing you can do is remain open and enjoy the ride. 

 

Don’t Be Afraid to Explore What Drives Your Attraction

Is a man in a relationship with a woman who is attracted to another man bisexual? Can there be an attraction between a gay man and a woman? When we understand there are no hard rules for sexuality and who we desire, then we can free ourselves.

Becoming more open sexually can be a wonderfully personal journey for people who want to learn more about themselves and explore where sexual desire comes from.

Knowing this opens us up to deeper connections. whether they be with committed partners, new relationships, or strangers we interact with.

So, the next time you find yourself staring or daydreaming about that sexy couple you’ve come across, don’t be afraid to dive a little deeper into your psyche about where those feelings come from and what that means about you.

Of course, a qualified sex therapist can help guide you through sexual discovery. If you feel like you need someone to talk to, find a sex coach who has experience dealing with changes in sexual desire.

 You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

My Fertility Journey

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My Fertility Journey – Do Not Downplay the Impacts of Those Struggling With Infertility! 

 

Fertility. Ugh.  It really is one of my least favorite “F” words.

Fertility (or infertility, as many say) is a complex concept that is generally misunderstood by anyone who has not undergone it themselves. 

The assumptions and statements made to those undergoing treatment by those who have not experienced it is at best minimally supportive to, at worst, completely harmful. 

It is only in the last year, that I have watched this topic be addressed in mainstream society from Michelle Obama discussing that she conceived both her children through IVF to the Today Show’s Dylan Dryer sharing her story around fertility. It is basically 2020. 

Fertility struggles can have major impacts on individuals and relationships. 

Fertility

I, personally, have struggled with fertility and the impacts on my life were far greater than what I was prepared for.

I began my fertility journey in 2015, and my daughter was born in 2019. Over three years later. Overall, I was blessed with the support I received, as the nurse connected me with the resources for my personal struggles.

My case was unique, as I was half of a same-sex couple; thus, our fertility issues were unique because we could not just “have a baby.” That was just step one of the hurdles. 

Below are some important lessons surrounding fertility for you to get through it!

There is not enough support for those undergoing fertility treatments, and there are not enough resources. 

The impacts of fertility treatment far outweigh what we see or are told. The process for creating life is considered fun, intimate, and sacred for some couples. 

For couple’s undergoing fertility treatment, this is not often the case. 

Imagine trying to conceive IN a hospital room!

Depending on the fertility procedure, sometimes, your partner may not be able to be with you. This can cause a disconnect from the magic of what is happening… the creation of a child. 

 

Fertility ImpactsFertility

 

Pain

The procedures are invasive and, at times, painful. Some parts of the body are incredibly sensitive to the areas where shots are required (abdomen, lower back, arms, thigh, vagina, uterus, and/or cervix). 

Sexual contact or any sort of physical activity can become painful and hard for the person who is undergoing treatment to get pregnant. 

 

Monotonous Sex Life

If you are an other-sex couple (sometimes called a heterosexual couple), sexual activity may become about ovulation and be scheduled on a timeline. 

As couples engage in fertility treatment, sexual intimacy may become non-existent, creating disconnection between the future parents. 

 

Disconnection

If you are a same-sex or a queer couple, sexual intimacy is taken out of creating your child. Thus fertility treatment can cause a disconnection within the romantic relationship.

Also, sometimes children are created by donors and there is no overt sexual connection involved in the creation of your child.  

 

Performance Anxiety

Performance anxiety for partner’s providing sperm, having to provide sperm at a specific time each day during a certain window of time is anxiety provoking and creates extreme pressure on that partner.

 

Hormonal Shifts

Throughout any type of assisted fertility treatment hormones are used. These hormonal shifts can have massive impacts on the body (water retention, weight changes, pain, lubrication, skin issues, bloating, insomnia, decreased sex drive, excessive hair growth, etc) and emotions (low self-esteem, shame, menopause symptoms, drastic mood shifts, depression, anxiety, trauma symptoms, grief, loneliness).

 

Relationship

As you can imagine, all of these things stated above can result in issues in the relationship such as increased conflict, difficulty empathizing, increased difficulty 

Fertility

communicating, disconnection, and decreased sexual and physical intimacy. 

 

Loss

People are often not prepared for the loss that often occurs during fertility treatment (loss of pregnancy, loss of fertility, and the loss of biological pro-creation). 

 

*THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE ALL IMPACTS OR EVEN IDENTIFY THE FULL SCOPE OF IMPACTS OF FERTILITY. 

 

  • Fertility vs. Infertility
  • Educate
  • Couple/Partner Work
  • Name your Fear and Shame
  • Identify What You Need

So, Basically… Get Therapy

 

Moral of the story, do not downplay the impact, identify your emotions, your needs, and SEEK support! However you embark on this journey, please be sure to access supports, community, and connection. Creating a family is emotional without fertility, add fertility and it can truly be a very complex circumstance that can make you forget what your doing it for. 

If you need help, feel free to come to LCAT, we are here to help you and your loved ones through this process! This could look like couples therapy or individual therapy. Our focus in treatment would be helping guide you emotionally through the process, providing psychoeducation, communication skills, expressing your needs, engaging in self care, engaging in relationship care, and creating connections. We want to help combat shame and fear and build connections as you grow your family!

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do or Make an Appointment.

Couple Fighting

Couple Fighting: Stop Arguing and Start Loving

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Couple Fighting: Stop Arguing and Start Loving

 

Couple Fighting! Tips to Stop Arguing and Start Loving TODAY! 

Far too often, we let our romantic relationships deteriorate to the point where it’s so hard to claw back the pain and resentment that’s been left to fester. 

Couple fighting becomes a classic Western shootout. 

Both of you are standing on either side, tense and ready to grab at your weapon. 

You wait for your partner to flinch before you unleash all of your hurt and anger in their direction.

Of course, we know, it doesn’t have to be like this. It’s hard, though, to see through the fog of anger and give love when we’re not sure we’re going to get it in return. How do we get from where we are to a better place with less couple fighting?

First off, let me commend you for considering couples therapy. If you’re already taking sessions, wonderful. That’s even better. But recognizing that you need help with your relationships is a brave and honorable thing.

 

The Silence Surrounding Unmet Needs

Couple Fighting

Couple fighting can almost always be drawn back to unmet needs. Each of us, though wonderfully unique, has needs that must be filled for us to feel confident, loved, and engaged in a relationship. 

It’s been decades since Gary Chapman first presented his five love languages. They are: 

  • Physical Touch
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts

These aren’t just simple niceties. They’re fundamental to our happiness. Denying we have needs is denying who we are, eventually, you’re going to have to face that reality.

When your needs are met, life is better. Everything seems easier. You’re not worried about doing the dishes three times in a row if you love language is physical touch and the sex is great. Your partner is happy to let your work long hours at the job you love because you give them the affirmation they crave.

The problems most people have that lead to couple fighting have to do with unmet needs that go unaddressed for too long. Silence allows resentment, the relationship destroyer, space to move in. 

 

Overcoming Resentment by Quieting the Ego

 

Couple Fighting

When the couple fighting has been going on too long, motivations change. You’re no longer giving acts of service out of love; you’re doing them to see if they’ll earn you the quality time or gifts that you crave for validation. If they don’t come, we tell ourselves that we were right all along, it’s their fault things are bad. We’re doing our part, aren’t we?

Each feeling is driven by some innate need. We act out of a desire to connect, grow, contribute to a cause, or to gain certainty. When relationships stumble, uncertainty plays an outsized role in our communication. We overanalyze our partners’ and our actions, questioning why they said what they said or what will happen if I do this or that.

Our desire to create certainty can be destructive. It’s easy to draw into ourselves and shut others out to create some semblance of certainty in our lives.

The only way to fight back resentment in a relationship and create certainty is to quiet the ego and act out of love. 

That, however, is very hard to do, especially when you feel like working on your relationship is a one-way street. 

That’s where working with a therapist who specializes in relationship communication can help.

 

Setting Conditions for Nonviolent Communication

To overcome couple fighting, working with a therapist can be a huge help identifying damaging patterns in your communication with each other. Indeed, when relationships turn sour, the way we communicate becomes tainted with venom.

Our lack of certainty leads to hurt, and we become desperate that our partner understands that hurt. Too often, we try to get them to understand by doling out the same hurt we’re harboring inside through violent communication.

One of the biggest benefits of seeing a relationship therapist is that they can offer third-party insight into how the two of you are communicating. You can identify unhealthy patterns and start shifting to a better form of nonviolent communication.

In Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, he lays out the steps for developing nonviolent communication. They are:

  1. State Observations – It’s very important that you’re honest with your partner and yourself about why you say and nonverbally communicate the way you do. Understanding why you are behaving or speaking the way you do will help you avoid saying something inflammatory or hurtful.
  2. State Feelings – We must emphasize that putting words to feelings is the only way for resentment to subside. If you know that something you’re doing is hurting your partner, you’ll find ways to stop doing it if you love them and want to connect.
  3. State the Need – Frequently, we’re embarrassed or afraid of being vulnerable, so we don’t verbalize our needs. How can our partners know how to fill our needs if we aren’t explicit in what they are?
  4. Be Specific – Don’t rely on innuendo to build a healthy, loving relationship. Have the confidence to be direct in you what you want and instill confidence in your partner to do the same. Less misunderstanding will mean less resentment. 

Nonviolent communication is so critical to fighting back resentment. It’s the best way to break negative cycles and start building on common ground.

 

Decide to Make Room for Love

When we communicate without fear or uncertainty, we open ourselves up to giving and receiving love. Think about the times in your life when you’ve felt deeply loved. You weren’t worried about the other person’s judgment or concerned about how they slighted you yesterday. You were open, wonderfully vulnerable, and certain in the moment.

Each of us has challenges in our romantic relationships. At times, resentment and communication barriers trigger couple fighting that can threaten to destroy foundations that took years to build.

With the help of a qualified, understanding therapist, struggling relationships can thrive again. Armed with nonviolent communication skills, clear about our needs, and doing our best to push ego and resentment to the side, we can rebuild and reclaim love.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco Signature

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Cheating Wives

Are Cheating Wives As Common As Cheating Husbands? 

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Are Cheating Wives As Common As Cheating Husbands? 

 

Until death do us part is a bit shorter now that we live in the paradox of choice, and many wonder, are cheating wives as common as cheating husbands?

Infidelity is one of the main causes of breakups. ALL PEOPLE are easily capable of choosing to be unfaithful.

Cheating Wives

If you have found yourself involved in a lie, being the other woman or partnered with cheating wives…we are going to help you understand why today!

According to couples therapist and author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, Esther Perel, infidelity is “a universal taboo and yet it is universally practiced.” 

As a certified sex therapist, I can assure you that infidelity is more common than you think. 

Why is this? Well, cheating starts quick! You may see each other weekly at a platonic location, and then all of the sudden, the mind kicks in and begins to project a fantasy.

Our brains assess someone’s value instantly to keep ourselves safe from perceived danger and threats.

Therefore, our minds project a story as people walk by and make comparisons of their value in relationship to ourselves. 

On days where you are not feeling your best, you are more susceptible to receiving a hit of dopamine from a flirting stranger or by posting a selfie on IG that gets you DMs. 

Only a few clicks are needed before thoughts take over to become action. You can fall for someone instantly and have an emotional and sexual affair with your keyboard. 

No matter if you are a cheating wife or the other woman, part of you wonders WHY you are RISKING this. 

 

Why Do Wives and Husbands Cheat? 

It’s not something that’s comfortable to discuss, let alone talk about with others. The reality is that affairs happen in all types of marriages.

 

When a partner cheats it is because they are looking for a strategy to meet their needs. 

Cheating Wives

So, cheating wives aren’t consciously out to hurt you. 

Sometimes, cheating wives will justify why they cheated, and they often have good reasons that parts of them have justified. 

Consider that humans only do things for 6 reasons: 

  • Certainty – structure, ritual, time, planning
  • Uncertainty – adventure, passion, chaos, spontaneity
  • Significance – feeling special, being recognized, receiving
  • Connection – human to human, intimacy, desire for love
  • Growth – healing, vision, mission, purpose 
  • Contribution – giving, serving, paying it forward

When you try to notice the need behind the behavior, it helps bring compassion and empathy to everyone involved in the infidelity. 

 

Let’s Get to The Facts!

In a study done in 2014 on 229 lesbian, bisexual, queer and questioning women, between ages of 18-59 currently in a romantic relationship stated that they engage in sex for pleasure and love/commitment. 

In 2009, Doring did a study showing more women identified problematic Internet sexual behaviors. One behavior was women involved in an act of betrayal such as secretly engaging in cybersex with a third party when in a coupled relationship. 

A few quantitative studies have compared heterosexual perceptions of an imagined gay or straight affair, which produced mixed results. Sagarin et al. found that same‐sex infidelity induced less jealousy than heterosexual infidelity. 

By contrast, Wiederman and LaMar found that female-female sexual infidelity evoked the least amount of jealousy and upset (among men and women). In comparison, male-male infidelity was the most upsetting type of infidelity among women. 

What about in your experience? If you are willing to share, we would love to hear your thoughts! 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

cosplay sex

Get Into the Halloween Spirit with Cosplay Sex

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Get Into the Halloween Spirit with Cosplay Sex

 

Even grown ups love dressing up for Halloween, so why not stay in costume for some scintillating cosplay sex after the trick-or-treating is done? Kids get their treats, and grown ups deserve treats as well.

Whether you’re more of a sexy maid or want to channel your inner queen dressed as Khaleesi from Game of Thrones®, Halloween is a great time of year where we can all let loose a bit and have some fun.

It’s also perhaps the perfect segue into bringing dress up and roleplaying into the bedroom.

When we’re in relationships, it’s easy to settle into defined roles. You do the laundry; he does the dishes. He feeds the pets; you make the bed. It’s the same with sex. After a while, you’re in a set rotation of positions like it’s a dinner recipe. A lot of us struggle with how to break out of sexual ruts.

Cosplay sex is fun because it frees us from inhibitions. We dress in costumes that empower us to express ourselves sexually. It becomes a game, so consequences like embarrassment or fear of rejection are less severe. And guess what? Your partner will love it! Here are some tips on how to incorporate a bit of dress up into your sex life.

cosplay sex

 

Take Advantage of Halloween for Cosplay Sex!

Halloween is the best time to add a little spice between the sheets. Chances are you’ll be attending a party in costume with coworkers or friends. You’re in character already, so when you get home, don’t be afraid to tell Iron Man what you’d really like to do to him.

When you’re choosing your costume this year, go for something edgier that will help your partner take the hint. Cosplay sex is all about fantasy, so grab an outfit that fits a sexual role you’ve been wanting to try.

A lot of people who are into cosplay sex love it, because it helps them alter sexual dynamics. Maybe you want to be dominant for a change or to roleplay an innocent person seduced by a police officer. Ever wonder what it would be like to make love to Thor or a vampire?

 

Check Out Some Cosplay Events

If dressing up seems foreign, you don’t have to look far to see it’s gone mainstream. Every decent-sized town has anime and cosplay events. Fans of superheroes, video games, comic books and movies all dress up and roleplay. There are international events that draw huge crowds with exquisite cosplay costumes.

People don’t just dress up either. They BECOME the person they’re dressed as. They take on their identity, speak like they do, and carry similar emotions. That’s why cosplay sex is so much fun! You and your partner are immersing yourselves into two different characters. It’s sex with someone new, and you’re lying if you don’t think that’s hot.

cosplay sex

 

Do Some Online Research

If you’re curious how dressing up works in the bedroom, just google “Cosplay Sex” and you’ll learn quick! 

Also, if you’re wondering if your partner is into it, do me a favor and take a look at the view count on some of the videos. You’ll quickly notice that cosplay sex is very popular online. 

Maybe your partner ISN’T into it, but you will definitely not feel alone. 

Watching some cosplay sex videos, you’ll see that the awkwardness lasts barely a second. Before you know it, you’ve bought into the roles each partner is playing and the interplay feels natural. 

That’s the way it will work at home too. You might feel a little timid calling your partner Batman or whoever, but once you dive in, it’ll be pure FIRE!

Watching videos can be a great inspiration for what kind of costumes and scenarios you’re interested in.

It’s hard to start from scratch, so don’t be afraid to look online for people to copycat at first. Soon enough you’ll be writing your cosplay scripts in your head as you dream up something new for your next cosplay sexual adventure.

 

Set the Scene for Your Cosplay Adventure!

Don’t just say, “let’s have sex in our costumes”. Dressing up sex is fun, but we’re talking about something different! We’re not saying dressing up isn’t hot. We’re all for lingerie and costumes, but remember, cosplay is about dress AND roleplaying. Dive a bit deeper and see what happens.

A perfect way to transition into cosplay sex is to set the scene. It can be as basic as you, dressed as Mystique from X-men, walk in on Wolverine undressing. 

If you want to get a bit more intricate, set up a scenario that starts before you even get home. Get into character early and let the drama of the cosplay build all day until it climaxes.

The first few times you try cosplay sex, you need to show a bit of grit. There will be giggling and one of you will probably break character a few times. Stay true to your role and explore what it can do for your sex life. 

As you become more comfortable, you can start to test the boundaries of your sexuality. People who are into cosplay sex regularly experiment by dressing up as someone of different age, race or gender. It’s the ultimate form of expression, because there are no rules.

cosplay sex

 

Take a Chance this Halloween

Pushing Halloween dress up into cosplay sex is so easy! We’re already a little silly, we’ve bought the costumes, and we’re down for some fun. If you’ve always wanted to try a bit of dress up, now’s your chance. Buy something a little naughtier this year and let him know what’s coming. Tell him to up his game as well.

It’s amazing what happens to us when we let go of imaginary sexual boundaries we place on ourselves.

With cosplay sex, we can explore parts of our sexuality we haven’t experienced before. Even among couples who have been together for years, cosplay sex can breathe new life into the relationship by making things new and exciting.

 

Kinky Sex: How to Get Started

kinky sex

 

Kinky Sex 2.0: Escape Boredom in the Bedroom

sex therapy videos

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Millennial Problems for Therapists

Top Millennial Problems for Therapists

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Top Millennial Problems for Therapists

 

Extra, extra! Read all about the top Millennial problems for therapists!

Do Millennials require better communication for sex, or would most Millennials rather just be on their cell phone than sharing intimacy?

Get an INSIDER’S View of What Millennials Discuss Most Often with their Therapists!

In case you weren’t aware, Millennials are a very pro-therapy, growth and self-exploration generation. It wasn’t too long ago that people reported shame or embarrassment when seeing a therapist. However, I have witnessed countless clients over the last 10 years pick up their phone during a session and say, “let me call you back, because I am in therapy right now.”

Millennials have helped normalize therapy in the public sphere! I can’t even remember feeling a stigma when I decided I wanted to go to therapy as a career.

Therapy is no longer only for people that are “mentally broken.” It’s now recognized for the enormous benefits it provides in helping people work through issues, manage relationships, and try to better themselves. This change is incredibly positive!

Millennials take pride in getting outside help when they need it. Depression, anxiety, and trauma are not things people must struggle with alone anymore.

As more people see therapists and discuss their mental health issues online, we see recurring themes across the country that surround intimacy and romantic relationships.

This commonality is likely tied to changes all of us have witnessed with regard to how we connect and communicate. The more we become culturally competent and aware of how others are living, the more we realize how similar we all are.

Millennials’ openness around their treatment can benefit everyone willing to learn from their experiences.

Here are some of the top Millennial problems for therapists, particularly when it comes to intimacy:

  1. Technology and the Lack of Intimacy

It’s a crazy statistic, but it’s true. Jean M. Twenge’s article in The Archives of Sexual Behavior, reports that “Millennials are more likely to report having no sexual partners as adults (15%) compared to GenX’ers born in the 1960s and 1970s (6%).” That’s right, Millennials have less sex and fewer sexual partners than in previous generations.

Why the decline in sexual encounters? A lot of people point fingers at the advent of technology and how it affects the way we socialize. Decades ago, people interacted almost solely in person.

People went out to mingle at bars, restaurants, and sporting events. They spent time in close proximity to each other. The odds of intimate physical connections were higher, because more contacts were being made.

Millennials do a significant amount of interacting digitally.

Whether it’s texting, commenting and liking on social media, or even playing online video games, Millennials interact with each other much more, but not always in person.

People today can get social satisfaction out of spending time online together without the hassle of going out. Of course, the way we communicate isn’t the same.

One of the commonly discussed topics between Millennials and their therapists is the lack of intimacy in their relationships.

Millennials report feeling less connected to the world around them. Even though they have plenty of people to text, they feel they lack close friendships, and even dating is often regarded as a superficial interaction.

Millennial Problems

  1. Mismatching Sex Drives Between Couples

Even though Millennials are having less sex than past generations, open modern attitudes around sex have made people more comfortable addressing differences in sex drive.

In the past, sexually incompatible partners were more likely to have struggled in silence with physical intimacy issues. Gender roles were more restricted, and in general, there was limited freedom of expression around sex drives.

Today, sexual compatibility is recognized as a vital component of a healthy relationship.

Millennial women are less inclined than their female predecessors to be sexually unfulfilled, and men report wanting deep physical connections with their partners. 

Even though differences in the sexual drive between partners is more readily discussed, it’s still not an easy issue.

Many Millennial relationships struggle under the weight of expectations in the bedroom. With the help of their therapists, Millennials are learning to navigate the sensitive waters of sexual expectations where collaboration, creativity, and curiosity are of utmost importance.

  1. The Strain of Media Expectations on Relationships

We’ve already touched on how digital communications are affecting Millennial intimacy. Another effect of us always being connected these days is that we’re constantly exposed to media input.

Psychologists and therapists still don’t know the extent to which media exposure affects our thoughts and attitudes. What we do know, though, is that it changes how we look at relationships.

Think about it…Millennials grew up watching romantic comedies where love and intimacy were fun, constantly exciting, and always worked out in the end. The result is that many Millennials feel like their real relationships don’t match up to their ideals of what they should be.

The prevalence of pornography has had a huge influence on Millennial sexual relationships. It’s changed the way many view things like consent, sexual power dynamics, and even what constitutes as appropriate sexual etiquette.

Therapists report that Millennials often say they feel some level of disappointment in their romantic relationships. They constantly want more. Millennials are perpetually looking for a deeper connection, which often leads to constant let down and frustrated partnerships.

They can, however, utilize therapy to develop more realistic expectations of themselves and the people they date.

  1. The Paradox of Choice

It’s easy for people on the outside to tell Millennials they’ve got it easy. They’re constantly told that barriers to dating are much lower today, that there is a more open exchange of ideas around sex and love, and that no one has to settle. What Millennials encounter, though, is the Paradox of Choice.

Barry Schwartz, the author of “The Paradox of Choice: My More is Less” explains that an abundance of choice often leads to disappointment. Millennials, who have more choice than ever before obsess over which choice to make. They can be frozen by fear of making the wrong decision. 

This paradox has a huge impact on our intimate relationships. How can you fully commit yourself to someone if you’re always wondering if there’s someone better out there waiting for you? 

As a result, Millennials turn to their therapists for help. Therapists speak often with Millennials who have a hard time with commitment and developing deep connections with partners. It’s important to develop an understanding of needs to help make decision making easier.

Practice Self-Compassion

Every generation has to deal with unique circumstances of their time. Millennials are no different, and the generations to follow will have to face new challenges too. 

Be grateful for the openness and acceptance of growth and self-improvement through therapy. The more we seek answers, the more likely we are to get them. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Breakups

How To Deal With A Breakup!

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How to Deal With a Breakup! 

 

I wrote this blog post to help those people who feel like it’s the end of the world learn how to deal with a breakup! 

Breakups hurt, because people aren’t skilled at communicating why they no longer want to be in their relationship. They are especially painful if you were living with your partner and your entire pattern of living changes. 

If you haven’t learned it yet, throughout interpersonal relationships, it is important to OPENLY communicate. Why?

 

Well, if you don’t have the difficult conversations about what you need during a relationship, you can create a system of long-term dysfunction, causing the pain of breaking up to be tumultuous and traumatic. 

The beginning of love is so beautiful and the end is often so tragic, but does it have to be? At Life Coaching and Therapy, we believe that loving yourself and your relationships is a mission worth prioritizing! 

We long for belonging, long for touch, and we long to matter! We also want to break from the suffering or that “longing for connection.” But it isn’t worth staying with someone who has broken up with you. 

Where in your body do you “need” them? 

Notice that place in your body and tell your therapist! There is a message there for you to uncover that will help your growth. 

What is the core universal need that is underneath your strategy of marriage, monogamy, or romantic partnership – OTHER than this specific person? 

Breakups

What Are Universal Needs? 

A Person (your partner) is NOT a universal need. 

Needs are qualities that connect us all as human beings, and we all share. Look up Nonviolent Communication for an inventory of all needs. 

I use Tony Robbin’s 6 Human Needs: 

  1. Certainty
  2. Uncertainty
  3. Significance
  4. Connection 
  5. Growth 
  6. Contribution

I believe that other than these six needs, every other behavior comes from an attempt to meet one of these. All anyone is ever trying to do is to meet their needs. 

Therefore, your partner is NOT a need. 

Underneath “I want to be in a romantic partnership with ______” is a need such as:

  • I want to matter
  • I want pleasure
  • I want to be seen, felt, and heard
  • I want connection
  • I want certainty of quality time

 

ALL OF US WANT TO BE SEEN, FELT, and HEARD. Even those people that say they don’t, often, there is someone who they would like to be seen, felt, or heard by. 

All of us have the exact same amount of time, so if someone you are relating to says that they don’t have the time to prioritize you right now, then you are not their priority right now. 

IDENTIFY YOUR NEEDS!

Express them with words and with consensual actions. 

If you decide to split up, there may be pain, and pain can be a pathway back to ourselves. 

If you try to prevent the pain by staying in a relationship when it is not fulfilling your needs, you will ultimately get hurt in the future. 

Breakups don’t have to be the end of the world, and you can learn how to deal with a breakup and still be happy and ok on your own.

The key is to remain accountable and be open about the pain and the impact you are causing. Sometimes this can help mitigate harsh truths that are said without graciousness or love in the “heat of the moment.” 

 

How To Deal With A Breakup

You will get through this, even though it may not feel like it mentally. 

Disconnect from destructive thoughts and let the waves of emotion come in and go back out.

DON’T focus on your obsessions though (easier said than done, but necessary for your health and growth).

Breakups

Encourage yourself to do the WORK necessary to become a happy, positive person who DOES NOT NEED the affirmation of others to feel good inside. 

First off, begin weight training and doing aerobic exercise (rowing, running, etc.) in addition to stretching and yoga. The weights and cardio will do wonders for your well being, releasing powerful endorphins and boosting your self esteem. If you abuse working out to the point where you are no longer experiencing the highs from it, then this is no longer a recipe for a healthy lifestyle. 

If you are still feeling overwhelmed, depressed, or find it hard to do your day-to-day activities talk to a mental health practitioner. You may need to consider medication.

 

No matter how disciplined you are, your nature is your nature, and it can be a difficult battle. Daily exercise will help; however, the correct supplements or prescriptions will help fill in those valleys, which can be self sabotaging. 

If you are you obsessed with fixing other people – like your ex – stop! You need to fill the hole in YOUR heart. Watch my video on codependency to rule out if you are one of those people trying to fix everyone.

 

Find two to three new hobbies instead. Meetup.com is a must for a breakup. You can often find multiple options in a city near you! 

 

What are your tips for how to deal with a breakup? 

 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Breakups

Practice Personal Accountability

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Practice Personal Accountability

 

What if I told you that your defensiveness is getting in the way of your growth and pleasure, and taking personal accountability can change your life?

When you become accountable for your actions instead of getting defensive [or sarcastic, or aggressive], you create opportunities for more growth and more connections!

Easy Ways to Practice Personal Accountability: 

Look for Clues

  • Our subconscious often wants us to go back to “why it didn’t work.” We are constantly looking for clues of failure…STOP that! 
  • Turn the negative “detective” part of you into something that searches for the WIN! 
  • Look for the breadcrumbs that others who have the life you want have left behind.

Don’t Blame

  • Whose fault is it? Blaming our circumstances, our spouse, our parents will not help. Often, we don’t look in the mirror and take full responsibility for our life. 
  • Take ownership and accountability of every single thing in your life and you will feel so much freer! If things go well, it’s on me. I get to take full responsibility for all of it!
  • One way to start is noticing all the times you say “yes” when you really mean “no.” 

Find The Good 

  • It’s so easy to find what is wrong. Try to make your obsession to find the good or the win-win in every situation. 
  • Instead of just giving in, get creative. 

Be proactively positive instead of reactively negative.

Being an adult is a balance beam walk between authenticity, boundaries, and understanding the pain of ourselves and those around us. 

Responsibility takes work. It takes sitting down and reviewing our lives. We have to look for patterns and have the courage to analyze our mistakes and determine how to do better.

Do you often get defensive with your partner? Or do you take accountability?

Practice Personal Accountability

Personal accountability helps us to rewire our nervous system to experience ownership and responsibility in a number of positive ways! 

When we own our decisions and remain responsible for all of the times we spoke or acted out of integrity, our capacity to handle stress, conflict, and intense emotions increases. 

Personal accountability enables more stability and security, and creates a pattern of wanting to own more accountability.

 

What are your favorite ways that you have been accountable in your life? 

I’m always looking for new suggestions! 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Flirting and Sexting

Sexting Messages and Flirting – Hormones Involved

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Sexting Messages and Flirting – Hormones Involved in Sexting and Long-Term Monogamy

 

The different ways in which people get into personal relationships have evolved dramatically during the past two decades – one such method is sexting messages.

The increased and easy availability of technological instruments including cell phones, computers, video cams and has caused a dramatic effect on your social life.

One fairly novel phenomenon, which started after the flooding of new kinds of means of communication, is sexting.

Sexting refers to the receiving and sending of sexually explicit text and/or photos using your cell phones with cameras or other types of electronic devices.

Though this term is still not present in most of the academic literature, it has taken the electronic media by storm.

According to a study done by “The Kinsey Institute” in 2017, about 74% of the people in the USA have been involved in sexting, which is a phenomenal increase from 2012.

A study conducted by Indiana University in 2019 examined sexting behaviors and attitudes including those involving sexually explicit images and messages. This sample included more than 5,000 single adults in the age group 21 and 75 years.

Of the people who were surveyed, 21% reported that they sent sext messages, while 28% reported that they received them. Moreover, 16% of them reported that they sent sexually explicit photos, while greater than 23% disclosed that they received sexual photos. It was also found in the study that most of the sexting occurs between couples who already had an established relationship. Furthermore, out of the people who sent sext messages, 78% of females and 66% of males did it to flirt with their partner.

If you have ever received sexual content on your phone, then you may have noticed that your mind starts racing and your body begins to buzz all over within a few seconds of scanning it. Have you ever pondered over the question that why sexting or sending and receiving sexual content turns you on?

There are many scientific reasons to explain the reason behind this.

The changes that take place in your brain when you receive sexual content or a sexting message

You may think that sex begins in the body; however, it begins in the brain. Common triggers that stimulate your brain and excite you can include hearing your partner’s voice saying dirty words, seeing a sensuous image, or smelling your partner’s cologne.

Sexting messages is no different!

When you get a sext, the brain stimulates the various neurochemicals and hormones of pleasure such as dopamine. In women, the hormone oxytocin is also stimulated. This hormone that plays a vital role in motherhood and intensifies the feelings associated with joy and happiness of closeness.

Sexting

When you combine closeness and pleasure, you may get aroused sexually, even from sending and receiving sexual content or sexting. In males, the vasopressin hormone helps in increasing sexual pleasure.

Dopamine helps your brain in recognizing a reward you can get by doing something and then in taking action to fulfill it. It is also somehow associated with addiction. You get a sext – it creates good feelings, and immediately you crave more. Hence, the moment your phone rings or makes a sound, you want to pick it up instantly.

Why do you turn on physically during sexting messages?

According to health experts, sexting acts as a powerful physical turn-on as you can get without removing your clothes. While participating in sexting you can behave in a manner with your partner that you may not be ready to act out yet. Furthermore, it does not require you to worry about providing enough physical pleasure to your partner. Your sexting partner is not present in the same room, therefore, you won’t be pressured to reach orgasm or letting your partner finish. Sexting is involvement in sexual responsiveness that is worry-free.

Apart from this the digital seduction, sexting has other benefits too. According to a 2018 study printed in the journal “Computers in Human Behavior,” individuals who sext on a regular basis with their respective partners had better sexual satisfaction and sex lives in comparison to those individuals who didn’t sext. Hence, sexting may come with major rewards in your relationships.

Why sexting turns on some more than others?

Most of you may appreciate sexting occasionally, but just like any other thing related to sex, it may turn-on some people more than others. More than just the hormones, it’s related to the comfort level you have with your sexuality and how vocal you are about it. You may feel awkward while sexting; for instance, it may feel scary to reveal your sexual fantasies to your partner. You may feel too embarrassed and vulnerable by uncovering your secret desires to them.

Furthermore, you should have enough comfort level with your partner to whom you are sexting. For instance; you may find it easier to send a provocative sext to your long-term partner in comparison to a person you met at a bar recently.

The hormones involved in long-term monogamy

According to research conducted at the “Bonn University Medical Center,” situated in Germany and published in the journal “Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences,” oxytocin is the hormone that results in monogamy in humans. Oxytocin stimulates the reward system of your brain on viewing your partner, increasing the attractiveness of the partner; thereby, strengthening monogamy.

During the study, 40 men who had a permanent relationship with their partner were shown photographs of their female partners and also photographs of other females.

They were also given oxytocin via nasal spray and a dose of placebo after a gap of some days. It was found that oxytocin stimulates the brain’s reward center of the men while seeing their partner’s photo, and they found them more attractive in comparison to other females.

Scientists also looked at the effects of oxytocin on men when they looked at photographs of female colleagues at work and acquaintances. However, it was found that familiarity was not enough to activate the brain’s reward system by oxytocin. To put it differently, to cause the oxytocin hormone’s bonding effect, being familiar with a female is not sufficient; both the partners should be in a loving and long-term relationship.

References

 

Get your guide to connect more today

Couples Communication Strategies

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Exercise for Better Sex – Ladies, Check it Out!

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Exercise for Better Sex – Ladies, Check it Out!

 

Did you know that there are exercises for better sex?

Prepping for sex isn’t easy…especially as a woman!  

Sometimes, you need to shower, and sometimes, you want to shave.

Maybe you need to change your clothes or sometimes even your mindset! 

Preparing for sex can be stressful…and stress kills the chance that you will have SATISFYING sex – emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

If you take our advice and follow the exercises listed, you too can improve your sex life!

The BIGGEST mistake that people make when it comes to sex is getting advice from people who are only going at it from their personal experience. 

Personal experience is VERY limited when it comes to a topic as important as sexuality. Don’t see any just therapist. Please, find someone who knows what they are talking about!

In 15,000 hours of client research and all but completing a dissertation in clinical sexology, I am going to share my greatest exercise secrets for women to experience better sexual satisfaction!

Breathing Exercise for Better Orgasms

Being mindful about breathing is one of the easiest ways to improve your sexual pleasure. It’s also one of the most common things we overlook.

Exercise for Better Sex

Remember to lock into your lovers breathing as a quick way to connect during sex. It’s the easiest way to figure out the flavor of sex they are interested in. Long, deep breaths. 

In the nose and out the mouth!

When you inhale, your stomach goes OUT.

When you exhale your stomach sucks IN. 

Inhale through the nose – BELLY OUT.

Exhale through the mouth – BELLY IN! 

Notice your hips and thighs wherever you are seated. 

Inhale through the nose.

Exhale through the mouth. 

Open your eyes and come back to the present moment!

It is really important to breathe through things like seduction, sex, and intimate moments. 

Breathing slows down everything to a more PRESENT and more AWARE state of being.

If you are not comfortable with where you are positioned move around and get comfortable. Connect your body to the rhythm of your inhale pushing your stomach out. and as you exhale suck in your stomach.  

 

Breathing and being engaged with your inhales and exhales is the quickest and easiest way to transform your sexual life if you desire better and stronger orgasms.

Last Longer During Sex

In my 10 years of being a therapist, I have realized that there is no “optimal” level of speed, pressure, or sexual frequency that’s guaranteed to increase happiness in the bedroom.

All sexual individuals do seem to agree on one thing – they want the CHOICE for sex to last as long as they want it to last.

Many times, we rely on the physical body to lead the way and our bodies aren’t always able to maintain stamina during sex. 

If you have no motivation to get your body in shape, then get a personal trainer! It truly changed my life! 

Here is a quick version of what you can do to strengthen your body: 

Physical Exercises for Better Sex

Set a timer for 20 minutes and repeat this routine until the timer goes off or until you can’t anymore!

  1.   Plank for 30 seconds
  2.   Glute bridges for 15 reps
  3.   Squats for 10-15 reps
  4.   10 Kegels for 10 reps

Planks for Endurance!

Core strength is paramount for good health – sex included. Planks are a great way to build muscles around your abs, back, and pelvis. All of this can make a difference for lasting longer in bed.

If you have never done a plank, I suggest you do what my trainer, Pascale Lean, taught me: put a broom handle on your back, and line it up with your spine to make sure you are doing it right.

  1. Start in a pushup position and then drop to your elbows. Your feet should be closer than shoulder-width apart with your toes grounded into the floor.
  2. The core needs to be tight to prevent your lower back from sagging. Your shoulders should roll back and down, and your neck and head should be neutral to maintain a straight line.

Thrust Better with Glute Bridges!

Glute bridges not only work the pelvic floor, they also help your hamstrings and glutes so you can thrust better, providing more pleasure for you and your partner.

  1.  Lie on a mat, knees bent, feet on the ground, and palms on the floor at your sides. 
  2.  Focus on your core as you push through your heels, raising your pelvis off the ground. Ensure that your     shoulders and upper back stay glued to the mat.
  3.  When you reach a stiff bridge position at the top, squeeze your glutes. Then slowly lower back down.

Squats for Sensations!

If you feel like you have a low sex drive GET YOUR SQUAT AND LUNGES ON!

This powerful pleasure-enhancing exercise can increase testosterone (women have testosterone too!) levels increasing blood flow to the pelvic region, which helps with more intense sensations. 

Squats are great for toning and shaping the legs and booty. Additionally, all that blood pumping below the waist can also improve your ability to become aroused during sex. 

Oh…and squats strengthen and prepare you for those times you’d like to get into a different sexy position, such as girl on top. You will be doing more work, so you will need the endurance if you want to try some of the more fun positions. 

  1. Stand with your feet about shoulder-width apart and arms down at your side. Women with WIDE hips, point your toes out at a 45 degree angle to prevent knee issues.
  2. Keeping your heels on the floor and most of your weight on your heels, initiate a bend at the waist first, then bend the knees, as if sitting in a chair. 

Kegels for Strength and Sometimes Pride

You probably know that keeping your pelvic floor strong is important for avoiding any embarrassing accidents and prolapses, but did you realize it’s critical for a good sex life too?

Vaginas are pretty temperamental sometimes, and for some women, their muscles squeeze or spasm when something is entering it. This feeling can range from mildly uncomfortable to painful. 

If intercourse has been painful, the pelvic floor muscles, which wrap around the vagina, tighten up and close the vagina protectively. That could be a good idea initially, but not if they don’t open up again. Sex won’t be fun!

There are exercises a woman can do that may help called Kegel Exercises.

  1. To perform Kegel exercises effectively, you’ll need to first identify the right muscles. The easiest way to do this is to stop urination midstream. The muscles that help you do that are the ones used in Kegels.
  2. Contract these muscles as much as possible and hold for a goal of 5 seconds. Release for 5.
  3. If you’re just starting, work your way up! Do 50% squeeze instead of 100% for the first week! For best results, practice 10 Kegels three times a day – not just during your sex workout. 

If you have pelvic floor issues I highly recommend going to a pelvic floor physical therapist. If you live near West Hartford CT, I know the best pelvic floor PT in the state! Feel free to reach out and I will give you the contact info. 

 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Five Love Languages

Five Love Languages

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Five Love Languages

 

Do you know what the Five Love Languages are and how this concept can solve your relationship problems?

In 10 years of practicing individual and couples therapy, I’ve found that the five love languages helps pretty much any relationship, not just romantic ones. 

It is useful to understand what matters to people and what type of love they want to receive from you! It is different if they are a romantic partner. 

The Five Love Languages was created by relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts in 1992. 

It outlines five ways to express and experience love between romantic partners that Chapman calls “love languages.”

It takes more than the occasional great date to keep your relationship afloat. In fact, Dr. Gary Chapman, says the key to a lasting relationship is learning love languages.

Getting to know a person in a romantic relationship is a gradual process. Over time, you learn more and more about them, including their likes and dislikes and how they think. 

When you realize what your partner does and doesn’t care about, you can have a better relationship. 

The concept of love languages is actually quite simple. There are five of them, each describing an expression of—you guessed it—love. The key, according to Chapman, is discovering which love language you and your partner respond to the most, then regularly putting that into practice.

 

The Five Love Languages Defined

Gifts:

This love language might seem materialistic, but you don’t have to drop hundreds of dollars if this is your partner’s love language. It could be one flower or a favorite chocolate or dessert. 

A gift says, “my partner was thinking about me.” Gifts could be tangible or intangible items that make you feel appreciated or noticed. 

Going to your partner’s favorite concert, for example, is as much of a gift as flowers or that new wine decanter you want. 

To individuals who favor this love language, the absence of everyday gestures that show you remember them or a missed special occasions can be particularly harmful.

Quality Time:

This means giving your partner your undivided attention! Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV and cell phones off – talking AND listening. 

Put phones aside, turn all noise off, and just be with each other. 

Try your hardest not to flake on a date or check your phone when you’re together, because this can be hurtful to a quality time person.

Acts of Service:

Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service. 

Another part of acts of service is not doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

On the flip side, the way to disappoint a partner who appreciates act of service is through inaction. Either being too lazy or too disengaged to notice that you are making a mess or taking away your partner’s free time by the extra work you create.  

If you are someone who leaves a mess behind, sometimes this hurts your partner, because it increases your partner’s workload.

Physical Touch: 

Physical expressions of love, whether sexual or cuddling are important! These include: holding hands, a back massage, a hug, making out, sexual connection, or dancing. 

The absence of physical touch can leave some individuals feeling isolated in a relationship. 

This one can sometimes be seen as particularly important in monogamous relationships where one partner has no other choice for physical connection. 

Words of Affirmation:

These are verbal expressions of care and affection. 

“Thanks for putting the kids to bed” or “you looked really nice today.”

Other examples include: writing a poem, or sending your partner a song that reminds you of them and telling them to listen to the lyrics.

Also consider telling your partner what you love about them, and writing a list of their greatest characteristics. 

Insults can be particularly upsetting to people who favor words of affirmation.

 

How Do I Know My Love Languages?

To learn which love language best represents you, head to 5lovelanguages.com and take their quiz. Then, you will get scored from 1 to 12 on all five love languages. 

The one you score highest on is your primary language, while the lower scores are languages that you use less often and have less of an emotional affect on you.

You and your partner can consider taking this quiz together, then you both know how to best communicate and act to support each other’s needs.

Love languages can’t fix everything, of course. But the concept does go a long way in communicating better, and we all know how much that matters in a relationship.

If you want more information similar to this, check my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer and sign up for our weekly posts.

 

(LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

 

If you like this post, share it on social media. If you want to start your journey into the love languages, start here! 

Sex and Intimacy Workshops

Sex and Intimacy Workshops

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Sex and Intimacy Workshops for Couples and Singles

Finally…sex and intimacy workshops for couples and singles are being held in September. Two workshops will be held at Middletown and Rocky Hill, CT locations.

There are several components to having a healthy relationship with ourselves and others, and amazing sex is one factor.

Across the genders, everyone wants and craves sex and intimacy. Whether we are married or single or in some unclassifiable state in between.

According to multiple studies, sex boosts happiness, because it makes people feel more satisfied with their significant other and with their selves.

If your sex life has fizzled out and you’re having trouble getting it back on track, you and your partner might consider attending our Sex and Intimacy Workshops. Additionally, talking with a Certificated Sex Coach is another option if you prefer on-site sessions, text or video chat therapy.

My colleague, Dr. Sara Frawley, and I will present two workshops in September about dating, cultural shame, codependency, self love, and the Erotic Anatomy. 

Sex and Intimacy Workshops:

For Singles – The Sex Ed You Never Got in High School

Join us to get a refresher course on erogenous anatomy, discuss applying a Zen philosophy to dating, and explore different aspects of human sexuality. 

Date/Time: Wednesday, September 18th at 6:30 p.m

Location: Middlesex Community College (Chapman Hall Room 808), 100 Training Hill Rd, Middletown, CT

Cost:  $30 each

Register at Eventbrite

For Couples – The Sex Ed You Never Got in High School 

Join us to explore those burning relationship questions and take your relationship to the next level. 

Date/Time:  Sunday, September 22nd at 2:30 p.m

Location: The Barre CT, 412 Cromwell Ave., Rocky Hill, CT

Cost:  $35 per couple

Register at Eventbrite

Facebook Event

Tickets include light refreshments, Kava Kava ‘cocktails’ and all the supplies needed for a great class. For more information please call Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) at (203) 293-7293 or email us at: info@lcatllc.com 

 

About the Sex and Intimacy Webinar Educators

Sara B. Frawley

Sara B. Frawley

Sara B. Frawley is a Naturopathic Doctor (ND), a chemist, and a human biology professor. Dr. Frawley is the owner of Ground Force Medicine in Wallingford and Cromwell, CT, as well as the founder of Ground Force Supplements.

Amanda Pasciucco

Sex and Intimacy Workshops

Amanda Pasciucco is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and has certification as a Sex Therapist from the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists (AASECT). She is a national sexuality educator, and the practice owner of Life Coaching and Therapy in West Hartford, CT.

 

Few of us know everything about sex, however, here’s your chance to learn more.

Please join Sara B. Frawley, ND and Amanda Pasciucco, LMFT at these two amazing Sex and Intimacy Workshops.

 

Amanda Pasciucco

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

If you know someone who would benefit from sex, intimacy and relationship knowledge, feel free to send them a link to Amanda’s YouTube channel – The Sex Healer! 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.

Open Relationships

Open Relationship – Get Ready, Get Set, Go For It!

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 Open Relationship – Get Ready, Get Set, Go For It!

 

I’m excited to announce that I did an interview last Monday with The New York Times on open relationship trends! (I will post the article once it is published.)

I am beyond excited to be one of the millennial pioneers revolutionizing how we embrace all types of sexual and romantic relationships! 

As many of you may know from my article on polyamory, times are changing and monogamy is not the only style of relationship that couples are considering. 

According to a study in 2017, it is estimated that about one in five people have been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship at some point in their life. That is over 20% of Americans! 

With our changing times, I expect that number to keep rising. 

Open RelationshipSCORE CARD. We are only using A’s for results! 

  • If you scored 0 A’s – Go out and find a willing partner! Maybe your partner isn’t ready, then you have a choice to make on whether or not you wait for them to get ready or not. 
  • If you scored 1 – 3 A’s – a few tweaks is all you need. You may not realize it, but you may have a compulsive avoidance, anxious attachment, or you may be wanting to use an open relationship as a way to get “high” to take away the pain of something else. 
  • If you scored 4 or more on the left side A column, I do NOT suggest you go into an open relationship at this time. These statements can OFTEN be signs that you are not emotionally intelligent enough to understand your own needs. You may not know how to do your own inner work yet. You may get incredibly confused, because you are projecting fantasies onto others.

Common Pitfalls in Open Relationships

  • Lack of Honesty and Trust Issues
  • Inability to See One’s Addiction / Trauma 
  • Self-Centeredness
  • Communication Issues
  • Jealousy, Envy, and Insecurity
  • Family Conflicts (who do you do holidays with?)
  • Overcoming Social Norms (what happens when you only get a plus 1 to the wedding?)
  • Limitation of Partners (you can’t find anyone and your partner already has someone)
  • And More! 

Healthy relationships take TWO or MORE people who have integrity, honesty, creativity, willingness to be vulnerable, and ability to engage in their own Inner Growth and Non-Defensiveness. Sometimes a Sex Coach is needed to understand these changes and address them in the right direction.

Before you transition from monogamy to polyamory in a current partnership, make sure you understand the story each of you will have about a shared meaning when it comes to sex and love with other people. 

Sometimes we project shame from our sexual past into our sexual future with our monogamous partners. For example, you may become annoyed that your partner is frequently insecure about their body (their penis is too small or their vulva is ugly). This is usually an indicator that you have some blind spots to work on prior to adding another person to your sexual and loving relationship. 

You cannot directly fix your partner’s insecurity.

You can only change the system of how you respond to the stimulus of your “partner’s insecurity.” 

So if you are capable of fixing your own issues within your partner’s problems, then you may be ready for an open relationship!  

Below are strategic considerations for those participating in an open relationship: 

Open Relationships

Time is a Limited Resource

Love is not limited. Time is though. No matter what, every single one of us only has 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

In practice, your time allocation could be that you make four hours for each partner per week without phones. You could also attend an event with one partner one week, and then another event with another partner the week after. 

Sexual Education 

You have to understand safe sex due to the sexual-health considerations of open relationships. 

You are ready for an open relationship from a sexual education standpoint if you have:

  • The ability to fully discuss sexually transmitted infection status (for example: herpes type 1 vs type 2, hpv, PReP status)
  • Prepared to discuss in detail the act of Fluid Bonding (defined as a safer-sex strategy in which committed partners agree to have unprotected sex only with one another and to use barriers and/or stick to low-risk sexual behaviors with all of their other partners). 
  • The grace of how to discuss what is sexually sacred, and what are the sexual boundaries with both your new partner and your metamour (your partner’s partner). Because NOTHING is private anymore when you are polyamorous. You are part of one big happy family! 
  • Understanding of the term “New Relationship Energy (NRE)”.It is the intense feelings that may accompany the “honeymoon” phase of a new connection. This is sometimes also called “limerence.” You must check yourself while falling in love with the new person and remind yourself “this is not real, these are hormones.” Phenylethylamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin are the same hormones that you also find in serial monogamists or those practicing tantra. 

Communication Strategies

  1. Right Timing 

Implement email instead of texting when it comes to communicating important topics. It is too much to receive alarming text messages in the middle of a thread of memes. Here is an example email:

Open RelationshipsThe goal is that you learn how to ask consent while stating your needs. 

Once you get to that conversation, set a timer for 30 minutes! Make sure to disengage electronics! Do not discuss it ahead of time. Show them that you can practice patience. 

If you cannot wait 5-7 days to discuss your needs, you are not ready to be in an open relationship. In the variety of open relationships that I have tried, I find that it is mostly about waiting for someone. I had to remain centered while listening to things that I didn’t want to hear without getting triggered or responding. Then, I had to reflect back what I thought I heard to the best of my ability. If I was told “that wasn’t it” then I had to start over.

It takes a ton of patience and willingness to communicate effectively. 

2. Use A Compassionate Tone

Watch your tone intention in the beginning of all emails. “I mean this with loving eyes” or “I know you are improving and I still have another request based on my need to connect.” 

Notice the difference between “you let me down and broke a promise again” and “a part of me is hurt and feels let down by you breaking our commitment.” 

3. Observation Without Attitude

Example: saying “I noticed you left the plate in the sink. Did that mean anything to you?” sounds different than “it is so annoying when you leave your plate in the sink.”

A good way to practice polyamory is to ensure that EVERYONE in the partnership / poly family is mindful of the needs that polyamory is satisfying in each of their own lives. 

For example, we all have a need for connection. You can meet that need through monogamy or polyamory. Understanding how polyamory fulfills your needs in addition to connection (certainty, uncertainty, significance, growth, and contribution) is critical. 

Understanding your needs is critical to discussing conversations around relationship orientation (polyamory, swinging) and/or sexuality. 

4. Willingness To Be Flexible And Collaborative!

Start asking your partner once a week what you can do to meet THEIR needs better and address the feedback in the upcoming week. 

If you aren’t willing to extend yourself for just one partner now, you will not be able to manage polyamory dating, let alone a polyamorous community. 

Open relationships are for those who are interested in living life a bit differently. You will constantly be faced with multiple opportunities to meet the needs of partners, so make sure your time management is on point! 

So if you are interested in getting help before you begin your open relationship journey, text us at 203-733-9600. 

If you know someone who would benefit from this knowledge, feel free to end the stigma around open relationships and send them a link to my YouTube channel – The Sex Healer! 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Couples Cure text therapy program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your relationship and ignite your sex life at What We Do. Call or text us at 203-733-9600, or make an appointment.