Tantric Sex

A Virtual Tantric Sex Weekend

A Virtual Tantric Sex Weekend

 

Why would you explore tantric sex at an online location like zoom? That’s SO weird.

Well… most people are finding their information about sexuality from pornography anyway. 

In the USA… recent statistics show that only 22 out of 50 states require health ed. And of those 22 states, only 17 are required to provide accurate info. That is actually terrifying. 

A weekend of sex, cave dwelling, exploring erotic fantasies, and moving the darkness of our self from the subconscious to the conscious! 

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” – Carl Jung

It makes sense given this cultural climate. I continue to hope that people wake up the societal notions that we “assume” as real that are actually just sociological ideologies. 

This weekend, at the Shadows and Light Virtual tantra festival, shattering cultural myths was at the center of the 3-day online weekend retreat. 

No matter HOW OLD people are, they are lacking sexual information… and information that is focused on mind-body connection and courage. 

 

So What Do You Learn at a Tantric Sex Weekend? 

Tantric Sex

Presenters from all over the world were sharing their knowledge while volunteers, like myself, provided emotional support to those participants that were diving deep.

When in a workshop like this, you are at choice, yet sometimes, it feels safe to know you have someone in the room that will be there for a private message. 

From virtual dating, to energy play, to sacred sensual dance, to meditation and yoga… the virtual retreat had everything you could imagine. 

The secret of tantric sex lies in putting aside the urgency of orgasm, and concentrating on thoughtful and delicate movements. 

Tantric sex is about using your entire body, your hands especially, your breath, and your mind. 

Therefore, even a simple, yet constant present mind awareness of asking yourself “am I breathing” acts as a strategy to enable you to melt into yourself. 

In the practice of tantric sex and shadow work, there is nothing more important than connecting with your breath, your voice, and your sensations. 

Taking notice of making sounds consciously with your voice! Sounds are also stimulating, such as a whisper, sigh, moan, cry and scream.

 

Tantric Sex Questions To Consider: 

  • How do I communicate in a sexual way with my body? 
  • How do I communicate in a sexual way with others? 
  • What does the sound you make during tantric sex, or any sex, say about your experience with your pleasure?

 

When Someone Shares their Sex Story With You, Respond By Saying: 

  • I believe you
  • I honor your experience
  • I witness your strength
  • I thank you for your bravery

 

Virtual Tantric Sex Dating Practices: 

  • Instead of focusing on Duration of your relationship —> Focus on going DEEP! 
  • Instead of focusing on Attraction of others to you  —> Focus on your own authentic sense of Self-Expression and have your tribe find you. 
  • Instead of focusing on Sacrifice for your partner  —> Focus on Supporting your own sense of Self-Care, so others do not have to take care of you.

 

Online Shadow Festival for Tantric Sex – My Takeaways:

  • Learn to build intimacy from self to self (and with others)
  • Ignite your pleasure centers by touching them with your hands
  • Improve communication by practicing it in a conscious way
  • Share in a way where others are supportive 
  • Challenge societal norms by noticing what Disney and pop culture frames as the “norm” within your romantic relationships
  • Practice consent instead of giving up, giving in, or overgiving

 

If you have any questions about a virtual tantric sex weekend, feel free to ask! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Sex Positive Parenting

Sex Positive Parenting! Let’s Talk about Sex… Baby.

Sex Positive Parenting! Let’s Talk about Sex…Baby.

 

Sex and sexuality are more often than not stigmatized in our society, especially around our children and sex positive parenting. 

Often, parents shame, objectify, or stigmatize most sexual behavior throughout child and adolescent development. In doing so, we set children up to have a lack of knowledge and understanding about their own sexuality, body, identity, and pleasure. 

In our country, we do a disservice to all by not engaging in age-appropriate sexuality education throughout childrens’ lives and avoiding sex positive parenting into adulthood. 

As parents, adults, educators, and therapists we are all responsible for helping break this pattern to build curiosity and appropriate understanding of their bodies, identity, and pleasure. 

 

Sex Positive Education for All Ages

I am fortunate to be a mother of a one and a half year old. 

You can bet I am starting her education around her body now. 

So you literally start sex positive parenting with babies… how do you ask?

  • Use accurate terms for different parts of their body (including genitals) 
    • ex. Vulva, penis, vagina, clitoris, anus, butt, etc.
  • Allow exploration of their bodies. 
    • With age and understanding you can create boundaries as to when and how this is appropriate
  • Support appropriate curiosity 
  • Include clitoris-centered pleasure 
  • Discuss body safety and informed consent
  • Allow space to discuss and learn about the different stages of sexual development 
    • Self exploration, terminology, questions about their bodies, resources, etc.
  • If you find your child or adolescent looking at porn or other sexually explicit material DO NOT SHAME them! 
    • Instead… collaborate and provide accurate information and explanations
  • Find reputable sources to help you learn to provide accurate and inclusive information around sexuality 
    • Do not assume your child’s sexual identity
    • Do not be heteronormative in your explainations (not just penis in vagina, etc)

 

Pornography

It is normative for children and adolescents to be curious about sexuality and due to our lack of ability to discuss this as a society, families, and in education one of the most accessible ways to learn about their sexuality is through pornography or through peers.

Pornography depicts various experiences around sexuality and sometimes focusing on fantasy. Although pornography does not always depict sexuality accurately and can often fetishize different populations, it also can be a very normal part of people’s sexuality. 

If you find you your child or adolescent looking at pornography DO NOT SHAME THEM. 

Here are things to consider doing instead of SHAME and PUNISHMENT:

  • Work on building curiosity, education, and providing accurate, realistic resources surrounding sexuality. 
  • Support your child in learning about sexuality and providing them accurate information about pornography, sex, and sexual exploration. 
  • Allow space for questions 
  • Reinforce they are not in trouble and allow space to talk about their emotions
  • Discuss boundaries and consent
  • Discuss difference between fantasy and reality
  • Pleasure centered conversations 
  • Provide information that pornography has been historically catered towards cis gender, heterosexual, white men and may not accurately depict sexual behavior across various identities and experiences

 

If you and/or other partner(s) or adults in your life are uncomfortable practicing sex positive parenting or discussing sexuality, find a therapist or AASECT sex educator who can help facilitate these conversations so that you can work towards building a healthy relationship with sexuality and your child. 

At LCAT, we are here to help! 

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

my husband hate me

I Think My Husband Hates Me & How To Solve It!

I Think My Husband Hates Me & How To Solve It!

 

If you have been feeling neglected, resented and anxious in your marriage, you may be thinking to yourself I think my husband hates me.

No marriage is picture perfect, and it could even be possible that he feels the same way about you! So instead of jumping to the conclusion “my husband hates me”, let’s look at why you may be feeling that way. Hatred and resentment can of course arise in marriages, though rarely out of the blue. 

“He is always choosing time with the guys instead of time with me!”

You may be feeling neglected if your hubby is choosing to spend time with the bros All. The. Time. This is understandable! 

While there is nothing wrong with him wanting time with his friends- friendships outside of a relationship are healthy and should be encouraged- it doesn’t have to be a battle of friends vs. wife. 

As with every relationship issue, communication is crucial. Here are some ideas of where he might be coming from with this behavior, and some suggestions to open up communication:

  • He may feel overwhelmed by the daily minutia of chores, bills and routine
  • He may feel like you are mothering him
  • He may just need time with other men
  • He may be stressed by financial or personal concerns and need a distraction
  • He may just want to connect with people who share his hobbies

Remember, one person cannot be everything to everyone, though as his spouse you shouldn’t have to feel neglected! Try opening up:

  • Ask him directly if something is wrong! He may be hurt by something you’ve overlooked, it can save a lot of time if you directly ask what’s going on. 
  • Say how much you love him and wish you could spend more time together. Does he feel like you spend enough time together? Are you having enough sex and fun, or have you become roommates? 
  • Tell him how hurtful it is when he ditches plans with you for plans with the guys. Does this information surprise him or does he seem unphased? He may just not understand and need to be told directly that his actions are hurtful. 
  • Both of you can share what you enjoy doing as a couple, and plan to do more of those things. This could be games, favorite tv shows, sports, cooking- any activity you enjoy doing together! 
  • Offer to host the next guy’s night at your home- this may put your mind at ease if you know what they’re up to, though don’t feel the need to spy. This is about letting your husband know you care about his friendships. 

My Husband Hates Me

Likely, he just needs to blow off some steam and as a couple you can shake up the routine to be more fun. You’ll never know until you talk about it with each other!

“He is always giving me dirty looks, rolling his eyes and scowls at me”

It can be super hurtful if someone you love is giving you dirty looks- it feels like instant rejection and like they don’t care about your feelings. 

Think back to when you were a teenager and I’m sure you gave many of those looks to people around you, especially authority figures! Some reasons he may be giving you dirty looks:

  • You’re nagging him. Is this something you’ve asked him to do already, and he has said he will do it? Is there a reason you feel the need to remind him?
  • You’ve broached a no-go topic. Does he have any traumas and sensitivities you are unknowingly or knowingly bringing up? 
  • He is insulted. Did you say something critical about his job, his body, his family or his finances? While you should never be a doormat, criticism needs to come from a healthy, constructive and supportive place- not making fun of his belly, ranting about his sister’s money issues or telling him he’s a loser for not getting a better job. 
  • A difference of values. This is a very political day and age, and if you hold vastly different opinions about politics and social issues you’re probably both doing some eye rolling at each other! You may not have known how different your opinions are until now. 
  • He’s frustrated. Everyone gets frustrated. Ask him why. 

 

If it is a constant issue, it is wise to seek counseling. You shouldn’t be made to feel disliked in your own home, especially from someone you are building a life with, and he shouldn’t have to feel so frustrated and annoyed. There may be a solution to be found!

“So…does my husband hate me?”

It is impossible to know unless you communicate about it! He may not hate you- though he may feel resentment, rejection, or frustrations and these can all be addressed through communication and counseling. 

Chances are, this is a bump in the road that can be solved. There is also a chance that he is completely unaware of how his actions are affecting you! Asking yourself “does my husband hate me” is way less effective than simply opening up the conversation- though it may be awkward and difficult, it is always worthwhile!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Orgasm Abuse

What is Orgasm Abuse – Not The Kinky Kind!

What is Orgasm Abuse – Not The Kinky Kind!

 

Do you know what orgasm abuse feels like in your body? We aren’t talking about the kinky kind either. What is the difference between orgasm abuse and orgasm pleasure? 

If you want to see our blog on orgasm denial, please go here

Orgasm abuse happens and when there is something as serious as abuse on the line, we feel differently than we do about boundaries being crossed. 

We all react to pressure differently… especially when it comes to orgasm and when it comes to abuse. 

So when we are talking about orgasm abuse, for many reasons, a lot of people experience it and have kind of stage fright when it comes to discussing the sexual encounter(s). 

Maybe it’s happened to you before. You meet someone you’re interested in, things click, you progress along the intimacy scale, and eventually find yourselves in bed together.

Suddenly, when it’s time to experience what you assume to be pleasure, abuse happens instead. 

Your sexual partner may even assure you that it’s no big deal after it happens…

Still, it’s uncomfortable all the same. 

Don’t agonize too much over it in the moment, yet we’ve all been there when the thoughts come back…

Orgasm abuse is a real thing, and it’s not always what you think. 

Unfortunately, there’s a stigma around orgasm, therapy, abuse, and discussing uncomfortable or “negative” emotions. 

For some people, it threatens to shatter the image they portray of the world. 

Often, we EXPECT the people that we are with and talk to regularly to have a life more like a celebrity or a social media start than a human. 

Abuse even if there is orgasm can also be taken as a signal that you weren“into it” and your sexual partner at that time may even think that they pleased you.

As a sex therapist, I often suggest talking about it, setting a boundary that it was not ok, and then following through in action steps to be certain that this type of abuse does not happen again. 

You may wonder if you are quietly making this a bigger deal than it is.

If you told people, maybe then rejection would be on the horizon. 

Sex is a complicated, like a messy ice cream sundae, and orgasms are the cherry on top, right? 

Not really when it comes to orgasm abuse. Some people can be in a trauma state and still have an orgasm. 

Therefore, it is important and imperative to know your boundaries and your requests within sexuality. 

If you have been in a situation where you have been on either side of orgasm abuse, this isn’t easy to sit with. 

At times, you may need support. Let a certified sex therapist help if you need. 

If you need more support, please check out the video on how to recover after trauma. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Orgasm Denial

Orgasm Denial – How Not Getting Off Can Get You Off!

Orgasm Denial – How Not Getting Off Can Get You Off!

 

Orgasm denial (sometimes called “orgasm abuse”) is sort of an umbrella term for any play- especially in power exchange relationships where orgasm is delayed, deprived, or even then “forced.” We can get into forced orgasm in another blog! 

This seems to contradict everything we believe in mainstream society about sexual pleasure – after all, isn’t orgasm SUPPOSED to be the ultimate pleasure during sex? 

Turns out, pleasure and pain are two sides of a similar coin, and how we experience both varies widely from person to person. 

Both pain and orgasm release endorphins and provide a kind of catharsis, and both involve some sort of tension and release. Pain can even be meditative, much like the focus needed to have or delay an orgasm! 

Pain isn’t always physical either. Pain can be psychological, such as intentionally and consensually building frustration or anger. 

Orgasm denial play can be a safe and consensual way to explore tension and release – or denying that release entirely. 

Orgasm Denial

 

Delaying Orgasms

Lets start with the least intimidating form of orgasm denial: erotic sexual denial. This can range from teasing to edging, or even delaying orgasms as a form of “punishment” and “reward” in submissive/dominant play scenes. 

This is a form of play that is easy to incorporate, and an easy introduction to playing with control and domination in a sexual context. Discuss beforehand with your partner what they want to try, or what you would like them to do to you!

  • Tickling is a very tolerable tension and release. Decide on a safe word, and have a tickle fight! If you’re both into it, you can play with how much is tolerated, and even incorporate tickling just as the receiver is about to climax for a sort of bait and switch. 
  • Try edging! This can be done with a partner or solo, and the basic idea is to come really close to orgasm and then stopping just before climax. This can be repeated as many or as few times as wanted, and it can make the final orgasm even more delicious! 

 

What is Orgasm Denial?

Orgasm denial is a form of play where you or your partner are taken right to the edge of orgasm, then never given the release. 

If it sounds frustrating, it is, however it can be so much fun if you are exploring BDSM and want to explore an entry level Dom or sub dynamic.

This can get as kinky as you like, and can be a simple appetizer of domination and control, or the entire entrée!

  • If you’re new to sub/dom, try using orgasm denial as a small part of a controlled scene. You can even decide that later on, outside of the proposed scenario you will get off- just not during the scene!
  • This doesn’t have to even be successful! Sometimes the act of telling someone they can’t cum is enough to send them over the edge with powerful orgasm. You can always punish them for it later! 😉
  • Orgasm denial can be as prolonged or as frequent as you and your partner want. Maybe after a single sexual encounter without orgasm you’ll decide to “allow” orgasms next time, or maybe it will never happen until a special occasion or decided event- whatever scenario suits you and your partner! Remember, it is all about the pleasure and pain of frustration and control/being controlled. 
  • If you are really into orgasm denial and want to incorporate toys, there are chastity devices for penises and vaginas alike so you can physically deny your partner an orgasm. Naughty!

Ask yourself if you want to be playing with orgasm denial! 

Ask yourself the critical question of: does my inner Dominant or submissive really vibe with my partners inner Dominant or submissive? Maybe! 

Maybe not! 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

5 Labor Languages

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

5 Love Language Quiz replaced by 5 Labor Languages in Relationships

 

Have you heard about 5 Labor Languages?

You may be here because you are looking for a 5 love language quiz to try. 

Here is the thing… I am a millennial therapist, so I talk about emotional, cognitive, physical, relational labor… and the idea of bringing those all to consciousness often. 

Through my experience in working with individuals and relationships, many people discuss the 5 love language quiz, yet they are still in therapy. 

I have learned that Labor Languages are FAR less talked about than it should be. 

So buckle up, today we are talking about “labor” instead of the 5 love language quiz! 

Before we begin, I want you to take stock of which pieces or aspects of labor in relationships (romantic and otherwise) you do!

 

Physical labor

Physical labor looks like what is done in a relationship that are often seen as tasks or chores. This labor could look like taking out the garbage, cleaning, organizing, yard work, physical intimacy, fixing things in shared space, cleaning the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. These are not all the ways to do physical labor, I am just noting some examples.

Physical labor requires one to do some physical or manual work. Often these tasks or chores are day to day (such as cleaning the kitchen or cooking) or multiple times per week (such as vacuuming)  or weekly (mowing the lawn) or larger tasks such as fixing something in the household, etc. 

Admittedly, this has not always been my personal strength, but I have used this as a growth edge for me. I have worked hard at building ways to increase my ability to engage in these type of labor and I am rocking it out!

 

Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is placing your own personal resources or energy into someone else’s emotions or feelings to support them in what may be occurring. This can be done through conversation, holding space for someone, physical reassurance, listening to them, communicating, etc. 

Emotional labor is one that we see in various types of relationships (not just romantic ones). I am very lucky as a therapist to have so many people in my life who are great at this and to have the skills to engage in this.

 

Cognitive Labor

Cognitive labor is often known as the “invisible” work in relationships. 

It is how someone organizes tasks, keeps the household running, and often includes planning, forethought, and looking at the big picture. 

Cognitive labor can look like running the family calendar, managing family finances, planning meals, scheduling appointments, organizing events, and coordinating with other systems (family, friends, daycare, etc.). 

Boom! This is 100% my strength in almost all my relationships. 

My friends and family know that when I am at my highest and best version of me, I am usually really engaged with cognitive (and emotional!) labor in my relationships. 

 

Relational Labor

Relational labor is a combination of all of the above listed ones. I say this because this is the labor where we have to communicate and work together in our relationships to engage in each of the above (physical, emotional, and cognitive). In relational labor, it is our responsibility to communicate, share, collaborate, and create within our relationships in order to make sure our needs are met within that relationship. Relational labor looks like having conversations about the relationship, setting boundaries, clarifying, and communicating. 

For me, this is a growth edge that I have had. There have been times in my life where I rocked at this and there have certainly been times in various relationships where I have struggled with this piece. I think it is important that we take stock and look at which relationships this was hardest to do and why. When I do that, I notice this has showed up in many of my friendships and because of my own traumas, me not engaging in this labor was for fear or loss so setting boundaries or talking about my needs was often so scary I didn’t address it.

 

Boom Shaka Laka – Bring the Unconscious to the Conscious!

Alright, now we have looked at each of these sections and we are sitting and considering which areas in which relationships are on point and which are a growth edge for us. Wahoo!

This is so important to reflect on because often times we unconsciously engage in this labor. When this labor is done unconsciously it can result in feelings of resentment towards others. The problem is, is if we are not conscious or aware of it we may not be able to truly communicate what is showing up for us – and if we cannot do that we are not going to feel fulfilled in our relationships. 

I urge you to bring the unconscious to the conscious. Reflect. Learn. Growth. Communicate. HEAL. Healing is a process, when we truly begin to do it – it looks like conscious, intentional, consensual growth. When we are unconsciously doing, we are not truly choosing or consenting. When we do not choose or consent, we resent and (re)experience trauma. When we choose and consent, we are empowered and work within our relationships to negotiate, collaborate, and create. 

We are here to help at LCAT, we have various therapists who have training and understanding in all the A/a’s. Please join us on your healing journey!

YouTube page where she provides free information at The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

BDSM Toys

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys – Part 2

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys

– Part 2 –

 

BDSM toys are more and more popular, and there are so many questions out there! This is Part 2 of our BDSM Toy Series! Part 1 can be found here. 

To help you head to the store (online or otherwise) with curiosity, confidence and good questions, here is a small guide to BDSM toys – from immediate to expert! 

We have a hookup with thekinkshop.com if you need personalized and discreet attention! 

Most intermediate BDSM toys can be safely enjoyed by beginners as well, though they may push your communication and trust boundaries if you (and the humans you are exploring with) are new to BDSM. 

Gagging, light sensations, and blindfolds can be played with safely and intuitively for the most part, you just have to dare to go there!

 

Intermediate BDSM Toys: 

  • Pinwheels/Wartenberg Pinwheels: You probably had one of these in your toy doctor kit as a kid- it looks a little like a pizza cutter, it’s essentially a wheel with poking out spikes that can be dull or slightly sharp for a tingling to prickling sensation as you roll it along skin. 
    • Some are quite sharp and designed for breaking the skin/blood play, so make sure you have the sharpness you and your partner are comfortable with.
    • Any play that involves blood or breaking the skin should be prepped with thorough cleaning and disinfecting of toys as well as the skin being cut. 
    • BDSM ToysAlcohol swabs can be purchased cheaply at any pharmacy.
    • Ask us for a personal recommendation on where you can get trained to do blood play safely! It will be private lessons for a cost with a professional! 
  • Ball Gags: Pretty self explanatory and the poster child of BDSM thanks to movies and tv. The ball gag usually features a rubber, silicone or steel ball that is attached to a strap that wraps around the wearer’s head, with the ball, of course, securely in their mouth.Great for kidnapping fantasies, sub/dom scenarios, and in combo with bondage.
    • Make sure you establish a non-verbal signal as a safe word.
  • Clamps: You can get small clamps for nipples, clitorises, cocks, balls- anywhere that needs a good, firm pinch.
  • Spanking Paddles or Floggers: For much firmer, harder and more painful spanking. 

You can even get paddles that have grooves or spikes for different sensations. A hairbrush is a suitable DIY alternative too!

 

Expert BDSM Toys

This is a mere sampling of the toys available for BDSM experts, as it would be impossible to list everything for every kink. A lot of these toys require some safety precautions and considerations to keep things fun and within your partner’s acceptable boundaries. As always, communicate before trying any of these, and seek out classes or courses on some of these more advanced toys that require a little more technique.

  • Ropes: rope bondage can be a tricky technique to learn, and some of the knots and binds are beautiful works of art. Due to the nature of constricting someone’s body, this is a toy that would benefit from taking a class or two- talk about a fun date night!
  • Electro-Stimulators: There are various toys that provide a safe electric shock, ranging from tingley to downright painful depending on your preference. There are clamps, stickers, and insertables available, so there’s bound to be a toy made for your style of e-stim. If you have a pacemaker, e-stim isn’t recommended as it may interfere with your pacemaker’s settings.
  • Speculums: If you have a vagina and have ever gone for a PAP smear, this is almost exactly what is used by your doctor. Usually made with medical grade steel, it is perfect for Doctor/Patient fantasies, stretching, and training for larger insertable toys/fisting.

There are varieties available for both vaginal and anal play. 

Lube is a great accessory for this toy.

  • Sounding Rods: Sounding is basically pain play that involves inserting items into the urethra of the penis. Surgical grade steel rods in gradual sizes will be safest- you don’t want any sharp edges, no sudden movements and definitely make sure you aren’t pushing the rod far enough to reach the bladder.

This is an example of a toy that requires some knowledge to enjoy safely, but if something ever goes wrong do not hesitate to go to the ER- they have seen it all, and generally don’t judge.

BDSM can be fun, pleasurable and exciting to explore with a willing playmate. 

Chat with your partner and open up about your fantasies- you never know what kinks may come up that could be explored! 

There are amazing online resources and communities surrounding kink and BDSM, so you can seek out information and advice through forums, group chats and even in person conventions. There’s an endless variety of BDSM toys out there, so open your mind and start playing! 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

 

BDSM Toys

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys

The Wonderful World of BDSM Toys

 

BDSM toys are getting more and more popular, and there are so many options out there! This is Part 1 of our BDSM Toy Series! 

To help you head to the store (online or otherwise) with curiosity, confidence and good questions, here is a small guide to BDSM toys – from beginner to expert!

 

Prerequisite to Understanding BDSM Toys: 

What is BDSM?

The idea of BDSM toys may be intimidating, though you may be surprised to find you already incorporate some light BDSM or BDSM toys in your sex life!

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

These words may sound extreme and intense, and they can be, however they can also be as tame as using handcuffs or blindfolds or tickling. 

It is a broad and beautiful dynamic to explore! 

In fact, you don’t even have to incorporate what you consider to be sex at all in order to enjoy or participate in BDSM. 

WHAT? It’s true! 

Consent, respect, pleasure, trust and exploration are key elements to incorporating BDSM enjoyably. The most important element of all is CONSENT though, so more on that! 

 

Consent and BDSM

There is a common misconception that BDSM is inherently about hurting your partner or controlling them. Healthy BDSM activities depend on conscious trust, boundaries and ground rules and aftercare (tending to your partner’s emotional and physical needs post-playtime, from clean-up to cuddling to checking in the day and a week after).

Prior to playing, partners can decide who will take on the more dominant role and who will be submissive. 

This doesn’t have to be the same all the time, though it does need to be established explicitly.

Being submissive doesn’t mean the dominant can do whatever they want to you. 

Clear boundaries are established, and your body = your rules.

Great playtime depends on clear consent, and the kink community has a couple terms that clarify this.

  • SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual: Consent is given under circumstances where all players are of sound body and mind and are not under any pressure that may affect their ability to consent. For example, if you are drunk or if a person in a position of authority over you is pressuring you to participate and you feel you can’t say no for fear of repercussions.
  • RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink: Some kinks are messier or more dangerous than others, and anyone participating must be aware of all the risks before truly being able to consent. For example, anything involving bodily fluids, weapons, pain, etc. Have a plan in place should things go wrong, including safe words.

In BDSM a traffic light system can be helpful when discussing which fantasies and kinks are going to be explored- and which ones are a no-fly zone. 

They also make for a quick check-in/safe word when in the heat of playtime:

BDSM Toys

Having your own safe words can also be fun, and you can define them however you wish. Something nonsexual like “pineapple” or something is recommended, especially if you are exploring scenarios that mimic non-consensual interactions (ex: rape fantasy scenarios).  

This is of course just a basic primer on BDSM, so if your curiosity is piqued there are lots of great, non judgmental communities online where you can ask more questions or find friends!

 

Beginner BDSM Toys

Now for the fun stuff! If you are new to BDSM, there are lots of simple toys you can find at a sex shop- or even find around the house! Beginner BDSM toys are about safely and subtly exploring light bondage, tickling, teasing and perhaps a little light spanking.

  • Blindfolds: this is an intro sensory deprivation. Use a scarf, sleeping mask, tie or bandana to keep yourself or your partner from seeing what is happening. This can intensify other senses and give an exciting sense of surprise and suspense! DIY Edition – Try blindfolding with household items like neckties or scarves, or 
  • Handcuffs/ties: Tie or handcuff your partner to the bed or a chair- this can be their hands or their feet or both. This is some light bondage and can make them squirm with desire!
  • Feathers/Ticklers: They kind of look like cat toys (and if you had to sub in a cat toy we wouldn’t judge! Meow!) and are basically anything with feathers or fabric for tickling. These can be especially fun when used in combination with some bondage.  
  • Riding Crops: A lightweight leather or pleather stick essentially, and is a great tool for some light, sharp spanking. Make sure you listen to your lover’s boundaries as it can get painful with harder spanking.
  • Anal plugs/beads: if you are interested in exploring “butt stuff,” there are anal plugs available in every imaginable size. Anal stimulation can be an entirely new sensation to explore, and with some lube and an open mind, you could be in for a LOT of fun!
  • Your own body as a toy: Not sure who wrote this meme, yet who doesn’t want a spank once in a while… a single-handed applause for a beautiful bottom! 

Even rubber bands or hair ties can be gently snapped on your playmate’s body for a short, snappy tingle of pain. 

A feather from your pillow can make for some great tickling if consensual!

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.

Fettlife

Fettlife – The Truth About Fetlife Accounts! 

Fettlife – The Truth About Fetlife Accounts! 

 

Fettlife

As a certified sex therapist, I often get asked “what is fettlife?” 

Just so you know, my brand is “The Sex Healer,” and I also own a private practice, called Life Coaching and Therapy, where we hold a sex-positive perspective at.

I immediately imagine the horror that they must feel asking.

Fetlife.com (sometimes misspelled fettlife) is a website that is essentially known as “Facebook for Kinky people.” 

The back of the website is black and the headlines are in red coloring! 

It appears evidently NSFW (or Not Safe For Work) from the first moment you lay eyes on “Fettlife.” 

Just because you know what fettlife is doesn’t make you part of the community. 

Like regular Facebook, Fetlife.com isn’t really something to be afraid of. 

Treat fetishes, kink, and sexuality mindfully, comprehensively, and with respect. 

The reason for this is because there is still a notion that people who are kinky have a history of “abuse,” therefore, you may get questioned as to why you want to join. 

Local community events on Fetlife.com can help you feel like you are KIND of part of a family though. When you go to the website, you will see you have to make a login. 

 

IMPORTANT MUST KNOWS WHEN MAKING A PROFILE:

  • Nickname – don’t use the name you usually use!
  • Gender – identify how you are comfortable
  • Relationship and sexual orientation
  • Your “role” in kink (such as submissive, Rigger, bottom, Dominant, masochist, etc). 

 

When you get on your page, make a bio! 

Do not put provocative or face photos until you know what you are doing. At first, just explore anonymously. Explore and say you live far away. 

You don’t even have to use your actual name! 

Make sure you practice safety, integrity, radical honesty, and erring on the side of CAUTION! They are still going to be strangers on the internet at first, so practice discretion.

Please know that you have the right to consensual sexual behavior is neither inherently negative nor pathological between adults, unless shown to be otherwise… Fettlife

Fun fact: A fetish is something you have to have in order to complete orgasm. 

People who have a fetish for feet NEED feet to be there to climax, for example. 

Two people can be engaged in the same exact behavior (one partner getting off to the foot fetish – feeling that it is pleasurable and empowering, while for the other person it can be experienced as abusive or troubling (the other partner perhaps). 

 

Visit https://ncsfreedom.org/legal-issues/ with any legal issues that you may get into while discovering fettlife. They are knowledgeable and understanding. I personally am a coalition member of theirs and have had positive experiences! 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

National Couples Day

The 3 Parts of an Optimal Sexual Experience on National Couples Day!

The 3 Parts of an Optimal Sexual Experience on National Couples Day!

It is National Couples Day on August 18! How do you celebrate? 

Have you ever heard of this hallmark holiday? 

For me, National Couples Day just solidifies my wedding anniversary! 

Do you have special traditions or celebration ideas? I’m often in favor of a tradition or celebration with my partner… especially if it is just us!

 

9 Things to Do Other Than Watch a Screen Tonight! National Couples Day

  1. Evening stroll
  2. Listen to an Audiobook
  3. Sit outside
  4. Biking or hiking
  5. Meetup.com to go to an appropriate event
  6. Bedroom date night
  7. Dress up and take photos together in the house
  8. Cook your favorite dinner
  9. Journal together on your goals for the upcoming year

If you do what you have always done, you will get the results you have gotten. 

Do not move too quickly into deciding what you will do. 

Enjoy the process of discussing it with your partner(s). Why not? 

Describe your idea of an amazing couples erotic template to them. 

See if it is even close. 

Then ask if you can describe yours. You may be off, and that’s ok. 

There is a bridge to connection if you are both willing!

 

National Couples Day Tips for a Relationship Reboot

Being yourself, authentically seen, and the presence and ability to let go! Connection with your partner in the moment is a wonderful goal for National Couples Day. Just connect. No expectations – just fun and pure pleasure. 

Activate what you felt in the beginning again! 

 

The 3 Major Components of an Optimal Sexual Experience!

National Couples Day

1.Updated Communication Strategies – learn to use NVC or our communication e guide

Hear out your partners’ needs and be honest about what you are/aren’t open to, and what you’re willing to explore. Once you have gone back-and-forth talking about your preferences and desires, clearly outline what is in your comfort for the night!

Speak to them the way they like to be spoken to. Ask your partner their favorite nicknames to be called by you. Ask them which one has an effect on them erotically (if any). 

2.Revitalizing Passion – the tricky part is being tuned into what’s going on inside yourself and being connected with another person. 

What is your partner’s vision or desire for this ritual? Can you do another one next week for what you desire? Why only have one night? 

3.Scheduling Time without Screens – Why no phones or screens? Because being embodied is about being alive to THE PRESENT moment in each other’s embrace (eye gaze or touch) with the goal that nothing can distract you.

More specific considerations that have worked for me that may or may not work for you:National Couples Day

  • Take loving care of myself and my spouse by lighting candles
  • Keeping our home neat
  • Listening to white noise sound machines, or agreeing to the playlist of the night. 
  • No television, no movies, and no radio. My team even helps me publish all these posts on days that I am with my partner, so it seems like I am here, yet it’s really them. I am ACCEPTING the support instead of feeling guilty that I can’t do it all! 

Give yourself more than your usual amount of time to plan and prepare for days with your partner that are supposed to be sacred or special! 

Plan it into your calendar, just like you would an event, and schedule LESS work or “distractions” to prioritize your partner. 

This shows our partner that we are putting in the enthusiasm we did in the beginning of our partnership. 

If you have any questions, or for clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized sessions on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. 

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do

Call us at 203-733-9600 and press 0 to leave a message, or make an appointment.