How Females Use Edging to Supercharge Orgasms

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How Female Edging Supercharges Orgasms

 

Sex is fun, yet female edging can make it better! 

Every once in a while, though, we need something more to mix things up and explore a little bit. 

That’s not to say things get boring, yet sometimes you just have to juice things up.

Intimacy is also all about exploring. Finding more ways to please yourself and your partner. Trying new stuff out should be fun, and make sex more interesting.

female edging

Edging refers to when you stay just on the edge of orgasm. It’s a great way to intensify your orgasms and improve your sexual awareness. Read on to hear more about edging and what you can get out of it.

 

Take Me to the Edge

Whether you’re masturbating alone or having a partner get you there, edging involves all of the foreplay and sexual buildup you normally experience on your way to climax. Once you’re there, though, you pump the brakes and let things rev down a bit, holding back climax.

If you’ve never tried it before, edging can offer a lot of sexual benefits, one of them being stronger, longer-lasting orgasms.

I hope you’ve noticed the difference between a great orgasm and a normal one before. There are times in our lives when we just need to climax to relieve some stress or we’re not up for marathon lovemaking sessions. That’s fine.

However, if you’ve ever had a mind-blowing, bury your face in the pillow screaming orgasm before, you know what it takes to get there. Those orgasms take time and a lot of foreplay. You likely engaged in some manual stimulation, oral sex, and some other awesome acts to get you to that place. Not to mention you’re probably doing it with someone you’re wild for.

Edging is similar in that the longer you wait and the more often you edge and retreat, the more incredible the final climax will eventually be. It’s worth the work, trust me.

 

Practice Makes Perfect

Edging isn’t easy. Many women who have a hard time orgasming feel like it’s climbing a mountain to simply get there, why would I want to slide back down and do it all over again?

That’s a concern, so the right technique is important to keep you on or as close to the edge as possible.

If you’re flying solo, it’s a good idea to use a vibrator and other toys to keep you stimulated. Just as you’re about to climax, stop any stimulation and pause, letting your blood flow ease a bit.

You’ll feel your orgasm slipping away; however, you don’t want to wait until it’s disappeared.

When you feel like you’re just on the other side of climaxing, resume whatever you were doing, whether it’s pressing your vibrator against your clitoris or using your hand. Work to get right back to the edge and rinse and repeat.

Soon, you’ll be getting goosebumps and your entire body will tingle as you play on the edge with your orgasm.

 

Female Edging Will Help with Sexual Awareness

Understanding your arousal cues will help you and your partner have better sex. A lot of people are concerned with their female partners’ sexual satisfaction. 

There is a reason so many of us have faked orgasms before. Some of them are pleasers in bed, and a lot of partners revel in a feeling of sexual prowess when the female they’re with experiences orgasm.

Female edging is a wonderful way to get your partner attuned to your orgasm ladder and what it takes to get up there. If you do it enough and your partner is paying attention, pretty soon they’ll know a bit of what turns you on.

When you edge with a partner, it can be even more fun because you can tease each other, and it adds to the sexual dynamic. 

There’s a bit of power play as your partner edges you close to orgasm and then moves it away. 

You can’t climax unless they “let” you, and some people love that feeling of submission and domination.

Your partner will be laser-focused on your breathing, the sounds you’re making, and the way your body moves in response to touch that elevates the sexual experience for both of you. 

Both of you will be engaged in a careful intimate interplay with greater connection and pleasure.

 

Using Female Edging with Masturbation

A lot of the time, you just need a one on one quickie. You’ve got to get to work, the kids will be up soon, or a million other things hinder your ability to take it slow when you masturbate.

That’s not the time to try edging. You’ll likely just end up frustrated.

However, when you have some decent alone time set aside, break out the toys and some lubrication and settle in for some you time. 

Female edging while you masturbate may help you overcome obstacles that you face when it comes to partnered sex.

You can learn to better control your arousal, speeding and slowing down as necessary. You can experiment with different levels of pressure, vibration cadences, and simultaneously touching your clitoris and tease the opening of the vagina to see how your arousal changes.

 

A Little Taunting Can Be Sexy!

Some individuals enjoy one orgasm, and then lose interest in longer sexual encounters. Female edging adds a playful element that can keep you interested by playing on the edge of climax. 

Once your partner has you in that edging zone, they’ll love the power they have to play with your body and tease you with the thought of orgasm.

female edging

One second, they’re pressing a vibrator against you, and the next they’re pressing their tongue or fingers against your clitoris, going back and forth at just the right speed to make sure you don’t go over the edge.

When the time is right, when you can’t stand it anymore, you’re definitely in for a treat. The prolonged foreplay and lengthy stimulation will deliver an incredible orgasm that’s better than most you’ve ever had before.

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

BLISS: Proven Methods for Improving the Female Orgasm

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

 

Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist

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Divorce Care – Why You Need a Therapist

 

Divorce is tough, there’s no getting around it. No matter how bad things get, and no matter how happy you might think you’ll be after it’s over, most people are woefully unprepared for the realities of divorced life.

It’s easy in the middle of screaming fights or after going months without sex to think about how great life will be once the divorce is final. We get seduced into dreaming about starting over in a new, perfect life.

What you don’t realize, though, is that when a marriage ends, a lot more goes out the door with it. Your life changes. Yes, you’re removing something that was potentially abusive and traumatic from your life, however, some positives get sacrificed on the altar of divorce every day.

Managing the disruptive ripples of divorce is one of the main reasons people need therapy during, and after, the process. Here are some of the ways a licensed therapist can help you deal with everything divorce entails.

 

Dealing with Social Rearrangement

Depending on how long you’ve been married, it’s hard to imagine what life will be like alone. A lot of times, we fall into this trap where we imagine our lives will revert to what it was like before we met our spouse.

We don’t account for how we’ve changed. Your priorities, career, age, and a whole bunch of other things are different. You might have kids, pets, and different friends.

divorce

Dealing with the social aspect of divorce can be trying, especially when we’re vulnerable and need to rely on friends. What happens when all of your friends are married couples that you met with your ex or soon to be ex-spouse?

You may go looking for a shoulder to cry on, only to discover that your “friend” has already chosen sides, and it’s not yours. You’re also going to have to manage your feelings when your friends want to maintain relationships with both of you even though you’re no longer together.

Losing friends is a part of divorce most people don’t think about.

 

What About All of the Logistics?

Therapists can be a “divorce coach” for all intents and purposes. Odds are, they’ve dealt with several divorcees in the past. They know what’s involved in the process.

A therapist can help you sift through the minutiae of divorce to help you make sure you’re not taken advantage of.

They’ll draw on other clients’ experiences to advise you on things you might be overlooking, like coming to an agreement over visitation rights, the right approach to dealing with in-laws after a divorce and splitting up your possessions.

Separating lives that have been intertwined for so long is extremely challenging. It’s also overwhelming. Dealing with the stress of divorce makes a lot of people want to throw up their hands and say, “Forget it!” over a lot of things that will matter to them down the road.

Divorce is one of the main causes of financial hardship. High legal costs, the long time it takes to unwind joint assets, having to sell your house quickly to settle your affairs, and other logistical decisions will have a huge impact on your life ahead.

Having a therapist who you can trust who’s dealt with divorce in the past can be a guide you can lean on for advice when things get rough.

 

Helping You Keep Your Kids Centered

It’s bad enough to go through a divorce, but it can be even worse when kids are involved. When you love your children so much, it’s hard to imagine not being able to see them every day or have total control over how they’re raised.

Children that go through a divorce all experience trauma to some extent. The separation of a family unit, no matter how amicable, is never the same.

divorce

Children also aren’t always the most understanding. They may not recognize that you need or needed a divorce to protect yourself and live happily. They may resent you for your decisions.

A therapist will help you work through a divorce and mitigate risks to your children and the relationships you have with them. It will keep you focused on considering their well-being even when they seem to be doing alright.

 

Therapists Can Help You Avoid Repeating Your Mistakes

In most divorces, couples share the blame. Yes, there are situations where a spouse is abusive or manipulative, and those certainly should end in divorce. Most, though, happens when a couple is no longer able to overcome resentment. Heels are dug in too deep and no one’s willing to give anymore.

What many people don’t realize, is that they assign the reason for their divorce to the individual to whom they were married. It was a difference of personality or you fell out of love.

So many things, though, drive us toward divorce. Whether it’s childhood trauma, failure to deal with our parents’ divorce, depression, shame, or some other issue, there are personal influences in all of us that contribute to divorce.

Therapists work with clients to identify obstacles to connection and any destructive patterns we repeat. Too many of my clients have felt like they just met the wrong person, and that they’ll get it right the next time around. Their ex was just a bad apple and they didn’t see it early enough.

Unfortunately, success rates for second and third marriages aren’t any better. They’re even worse. According to Psychology Today, second marriages end in divorce 67% of the time, and 73% of third marriages end in a split.

Perhaps, after one divorce, we’ve normalized separating a bit, so the idea of leaving is less taboo the second or third time around.

Working with a therapist can help you get to the root of issues holding you back from making a real connection and building loving relationships in the future. With hard work, you can break the pattern of mistrust, insecurity, shame, or whatever else is standing in your way.

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

When Is Porn Cheating? Identifying Porn Use That Crosses the Line

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When Is Porn Cheating? Identifying Porn Use That Crosses the Line

 

Ooh, when someone asked me “is porn cheating” the other day, I thought “this is a touchy subject.”  

In the past ten years, I have seen this as one of most gender-divided topics that other-sex couples struggle with everywhere, and one that same-sex couples often disagree on. 

Does looking at porn constitutes infidelity or cheating?

Views on pornography are all over the place. It’s still a relatively new phenomenon in our society to have access to this material from any place at any time.

Before the internet, pornography was relegated to dimly lit adult stores, hidden in homes, or inside magazines. There was much more stigma around porn, and it was regulated. 

These days, pornography is everywhere. Any barrier to viewing and using porn is simply a formality.

Knowing this, you have to understand that you and your partner will be exposed to more pornography than ever before. It’s a fact we all have to deal with today.

How you view the use of porn will depend on your upbringing, religion, your views on the industry and also how you feel it affects the intimate relationship with your partner.

As usual, avoiding absolutes and working with your partner, with the help of a therapist if necessary, can help you both arrive at a place of love and understanding when it comes to porn.

 

Avoid Porn Shaming

On average, women are around two times more likely than men to report that they never use porn. It’s probably easy for people to understand why porn use is higher among men, yet that doesn’t mean women don’t view and enjoy pornography.

Let me just say it. Your partner has, is, or will likely use pornography at some point during their life.Is Porn Cheating

Realizing that now before you come across it on their phone or computer will save you some heartache when it happens. Any person that says they have not ever seen any pornography may be lying.

Knowing that there are a majority of individuals who have viewed porn at some point should deter you from taking a stern approach if you’re unsettled about your partner’s porn use. 

You may ask “is porn cheating?” and I would say that irregardless, the worst thing you can do is use shame as a motivator to try and change your partner’s behavior. 

 

That’s true with porn and just about every other scenario.

An understanding approach to dealing with pornography in a committed relationship or marriage will help both of you to be open and honest, as well as find a solution that hopefully works and contributes to trust between you. 

Even if there are bigger issues like porn compulsion, shame is not the way to get someone to change.

 

Do You REALLY Want to Know?

Don’t kid yourself about how you’ll feel when you find out what your partner is doing while you’re not looking. If you want to know what’s going on, you’re likely going to be surprised at how often your partner uses porn, much less what they are into online.

A lot of individuals approach watching porn online as a fun, stress-relieving activity. 

They might even be curious at times, searching for some far-out fantasy they have or a certain type of porn that’s not something the two of you have played around with in your intimacy.

How are you going to react if you discover your partner is really into watching threesome videos or bondage porn? 

DO NOT jump to conclusions thinking your partner is unhappy or that their porn viewing habits mean that they are unsatisfied with you. Because, that’s usually not the case.

It’s fine if you want to have an open conversation about porn with your partner, just be prepared for if, and that’s a BIG if, they’re completely forthcoming.

 

When Porn Use Crosses the Line 

Just like with many other things in a committed relationship, porn use crosses the line when it involves deception.

Omitting the truth about porn use can be a red flag. Not being truthful can lead to a slippery slope. It can push the boundaries of what one partner is willing to keep from the other.

We’re not talking about saying you watch porn “a few times a week,” when in fact it’s every day.

 

Is Porn Cheating

When taken to extremes, omissions of truth can help people justify hiding things like affairs or irresponsible financial decisions that impact both parts of a couple and the family system. 

Therapists deal regularly with people who are opposed to pornography for religious beliefs and other ideologies. For some people, it’s a redline that if crossed means a major betrayal of trust. 

That shouldn’t be taken lightly.

It’s hugely disruptive when you enter into a relationship with a common understanding that deteriorates over time. 

Even outside of pornography, imagine discovering your partner doing something both of you vowed to avoid when you committed to each other in the beginning. 

What if you’re against drug use and you find out that your partner loves smoking weed? Would it be a dealbreaker?

What if you thought your partner was satisfied, but really they have been faking orgasms with you a majority of the relationship? Would that justify a betrayal? 

 

So, Is Porn Cheating?

Porn is cheating when you’re actively hiding it from your partner. That means viewing it after you’ve told them you wouldn’t or when you hide it from them, so they don’t even THINK about needing to ask.

Cheating doesn’t always mean you’ve slept with someone else without permission. 

It means you violated the trust in your relationship and cheated on the spoken and non-verbal guidelines that are the foundation of the bond you have. It’s also a major issue if it takes away from your intimacy.

 

Open Communication Is Crucial

Our partners can be sensitive to our porn use, because of moral beliefs or finding out you’re looking at porn triggers insecurities in them. 

Am I not enough for you? What is it about me that isn’t filling that sexual hunger? If my partner is watching porn, will it eventually lead to an affair?

Is Porn Cheating

These concerns are not only legitimate, but doubly so if you or your partner are deceitful about pornography habits.

The solution to porn use, and most other relationship challenges, is open communication and honesty. Laying out the vulnerable parts of you on the table and finding a way to be on the same team and find a win together!

If you’re a porn user, don’t hide it. 

You don’t need to report every time you look at porn or masturbate, yet don’t project one image and then lead some sort of double life. 

If your partner is using porn and you’re concerned about it, try to have an open mind. Don’t be quick to make ultimatums or create shame. That can make things worse. WAY WORSE!

Encourage each other to be honest and accepting. Collaboration is the real key here. 

As you grow older and more mature in your relationship, hopefully fewer things will become real deal breakers, because you’ll realize we’re all human, and that comes with a lot of imperfection. However with imperfection and growth, there is potential for more beauty and greatness.

 

Are you ready to learn more and unlock a more satisfying experience?

Stiff: Solutions for Erectile Dysfunction On-Demand Webinar

Women on Penis Size

 

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Behind the Sex Therapy Scenes! I Caught My Wife Masturbating!

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Behind the Sex Therapy Scenes! I Caught My Wife Masturbating! 

 

“Help! I caught my wife masturbating!”

Even though we are living in the most open society ever when it comes to sexuality, we still live with so many taboos. 

Our fetishes have to live in this weird world of moving boundaries, where one minute you’re being sexually expressive, and the next minute you’re labeled as a freak. Even freaks can be good, up to a point, right? When and where we draw these implicit lines are complex and sometimes silly.

Have you ever been caught masturbating? There you were, feeling some kinda way all by yourself. Maybe you caught a hot scene in a movie, or an old crush flashed through your brain. The next thing you know you’re in your room doing your thing and Wham!, the door swings open.

I Caught My Wife Masturbating!

You shuffle your pants around or dive onto your side to face away, but your reaction probably made whatever you were doing way more obvious. It’s happened to so many of us, mostly in childhood, that we still to this day carry complex feelings of shame, embarrassment, and even guilt around jerking off.

 

What Is It About Self-Touch that makes it feel like “Too Much?”

Most have tried it, and of those who have tried, the majority continue to DO it, so what’s the big deal about self-touch feeling like too much?  

Why specifically is there so much embarrassment when it comes to catching your wife masturbating? 

Thanks to so many scenes in comedies and enough high-profile celebrity masturbation scandals, men catch a break on yanking it more than women do.

For reasons that stem back centuries, the idea of your wife or female partner self-pleasuring can come as a shock. 

Women’s pleasure has come a long way since the idea that their main purpose is to OFFER sexual pleasure and carry children, yet there’s still a lot of stigma tied up in the way we please ourselves.

If you’re here reading this and you haven’t caught your wife masturbating YET, first realize that she probably enjoys masturbation (maybe even as much as you do if you engage in self-touch).

How often she does it, where, and to what is her business. If she feels like telling you, that’s her prerogative and it would be a great way to introduce more trust in your relationship if you approach the conversation with curiosity instead of criticism or embarrassment. 

 

Catching Your Wife in the Act

If you’re together long enough, odds are you’re going to catch your wife engaging in a bit of one on one time at some point. You might walk in on her taking a bath or come home from work early one day to find her in her pleasure. 

Some people I speak with come to sex therapy with a lot of shame and embarrassment that catching their spouse masturbating is some sort of betrayal. 

I often like to bring up the point that consent and communication prior to being “caught” is ideal. 

For those of you who believe that all sexual encounters should involve the two of you, I would have you wonder if you hold yourself to that same standard and WHERE did this standard originate? 

Catching your wife masturbating does not have to be the end of your sexual life. It can be the beginning of opening a door to deeper discussions about sensual and sexual pleasure. 

 

How to Stop the Embarrassment After Catching Someone Masturbating

 

Here’s some food for thought on how you can handle the situation.

Prep Yourself – Repeat after me, “There’s nothing wrong with masturbation.” There you go. That’s the mindset you need. It will serve you well in dealing with your own sexuality, your wife’s sexual expression, and if you ever decide to have kids.

When you understand that there’s nothing to be ashamed of related to self-pleasure, then you’ll handle the situation much better.

Mind Your Manners – If you do catch your wife masturbating, treat the situation appropriately. Hopefully, your wife isn’t embarrassed about having sex with you, yet if your friend or family member walked in, the two of you might feel slightly embarrassed.

That’s because engaging in sexual acts – even masturbation – involves opening oneself up to vulnerability. You have to let your guard down to relax enough to accomplish the mission before you, so naturally, getting caught masturbating will be a little startling.

I Caught My Wife Masturbating!

The best thing you do if you come across your wife, or anyone else for that matter, masturbating, is to be accountable and then find somewhere else to go, as soon as possible. I suggest going to take a shower and meditating to center yourself. 

Don’t sit yourself down next to her to talk about it. Give her some space, as you intruded on an activity between her and her body.

Follow up later on with another apology and leave it at that. You might also try to make light of the situation. If masturbation isn’t something the two of you have discussed, she might feel a bit awkward.

Drop a light-hearted line about how you are glad she is experiencing pleasure and move on. It’ll break the ice in a way that lets you both know it’s not a big deal.

Follow Her Cues – Any discussion about masturbation and self-pleasure going forward can be on her terms. Let her bring it up. 

Don’t think for a second that it’s on you to discuss or that there’s some issue to resolve. Keep your emotional responses to yourself, because I suggest that they are about you, and wait for her to talk about it – if she wants. 

Be Encouraging – Masturbation can be a healthy behavior. It’s a wonderful way for people to be mindful about their own bodies, relieve stress, and find out accurately some of the ways that they like to be touched.

If anything, you can be GLAD you caught your wife masturbating!

I Caught My Wife Masturbating

Therapists deal with couples all the time that are sexually frustrated. 

For any number of reasons, wives struggle to feel comfortable with their bodies and being touched with a partner; because they have their ways they like to be touched and pleased as well. 

Many women have guilt about taking 20-30 minutes to achieve an orgasm, and more wives than I care to mention associate feeling aroused with something to be shameful about. 

Sometimes, it also takes one partner a longer time to get into the mood because they are more focused on the emotional labor of the home or the relationship.

 

Open the Doors to More Sexual Exploration

Now, if the stars align, your wife may want to talk about masturbation. You have two choices. First, you can feel insecure that your wife is self-pleasuring and take that as some personal affront on your sexuality and the bond the two of you have. That route is ridiculous and will get you nowhere.

Second, you can use the conversation – remember, started by your wife – to open your relationship up to greater sexual experiences.

If you choose correctly, not only will your wife feel better about herself sexually, but she’ll also be more inclined to include you and open up to you when it comes to sex.

Plenty of couples masturbate together, watch each other masturbate, or feed their partner’s masturbation with scintillating texts, pictures, and videos. Your wife may start to feel more comfortable masturbating during sex.

If you find yourself on the road traveling, your wife might be more inclined to engage in some phone sex. Anything you can do to make your wife more comfortable touching herself and feeling sexy is the right decision. 

 

Start your journey here

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do.

 

 

Is My Relationship Over

Is My Relationship Over?

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Is My Relationship Over?

As a sex therapist, I am often told stories and then asked “is my relationship over?”

This is a tough one. Knowing if, and when, your relationship is over is never easy. 

How could something that started so lovingly and bright decay into something where you are questioning is my relationship over?

Dealing with a struggling relationship is complex. Some moments you’re wishing you never met, and the next you remember good times in years past and wondering if it is salvageable.

Every relationship has some kind of volatility. Some ups and downs are great. 

They test our resolve and commitment to each other. 

Arguments and miscommunications are learning opportunities where you can examine your behavior and your partners, and work on self-improvement. 

Ideally, you’re with someone who pushes you to become better than you were before you met and opens you up to new experiences.

Is My Relationship Over

What happens when things aren’t so great? When the lows become more frequent, it can be harder to remember the highs.

 

The Slow Descent into Disconnection

Even in the more dire relationships, there are early warning signs that things aren’t right. It’s easy to look at something like infidelity and assign blame because it’s a climactic event. 

It’s disruptive and so in your face.

Many times, though, those issues are said to be an outward expression of inner sadness, anger, and disappointment that has festered for years. 

This doesn’t excuse any lying, coercive, or destructive behavior like unfaithfulness; it illustrates how many people are often unconscious to the turmoil that is within their relationships. 

What ends up happening, in my opinion, is that emotions seem to build even more, despite people saying or thinking they can handle the status quo of their romantic relationships.

 

When A Breakup is the Best Option

The bottom line is that some relationships won’t last. Just look at how many of us get divorced every year. No matter how much everyone says this is forever, some things fall apart. 

As relationships crumble, there are clear warning signs that you can either accept or choose to ignore.

Typically, when resentment and criticism become a staple of your communication, that’s a major red flag. 

You may also be giving each other the silent treatment more. If you spend hours in silence and are avoiding the conversations about the state of the marriage, your sexual relationship, your needs, and your feelings, you will lose out on years of intimate time together.

Is My Relationship Over

An obvious warning sign to answer “is my relationship over” is when both of you refuse to accept responsibility for something you may have done (or said) wrong because you’ve built up so much resentment that you refuse to accept blame. 

Either that or, sometimes you are so angry at your partner that you don’t care if you were wrong. 

When this happens, we are often at our most core inner triggers and family of origin attachment styles. 

 

The Importance of Self-Love

When you’re in a rough patch with your partner, depending on your personality, you may be tempted to accept an outsized portion of the blame. 

What happens, though, is that you endanger your sense of self-worth. Sacrifice in relationships is important, only to the degree that it does not interfere with your ability to meet your own needs. 

Do not put yourself in a situation where you may be doing long-term damage to your confidence and self-esteem. You may end up with a warped view of what love is.

In the face of willfulness, domestic violence, and more contempt, resentment, or criticism than you feel comfortable with for your own sense of self-worth, the best choice can be to walk away. 

However cliché this sounds, letting someone go can be a true expression of love. 

After all, what’s worse, letting them and yourself free, or taking both of you down in flames, along with your family and friends, to the bitter end?

The thought of separation from a long-term partner or someone you loved so deeply once is often terrifying. 

It’s hard to see now that ending a relationship can lead to happiness in the future.

 

When It’s Worth the Fight

I’ll say this, as a systemic therapist and working in the field of trauma, I do not believe any romantic relationship is irreparable if everyone is willing to work on it. 

Everything can be fixed as long as you’re willing to put in the effort. 

Know this, though, that fighting to save a relationship that many people from the outside looking in would say is over may be like clawing your way out of quicksand. 

When things become so dire that you think breaking up is around the corner, walking yourself away from that edge can be very difficult.

It’s all about whether you’re willing to change, and that goes for your partner too. 

How can you bring yourself to express love to your partner when it’s been months or years since they gave you any sort of affirmation? 

How can you apologize for something that hurt your partner when you feel like you’ve done nothing wrong and are just trying to get your own needs met? 

Is My Relationship Over

Resolving differences in a relationship that’s on life support is multiples harder than what any securely-attached and more integrated couple has to deal with. 

There are layers of built-up resentment, insecurities, and hurt feelings to navigate. The key is whether each of you is willing and capable of taking small, meaningful steps toward reconciliation.

If there is a sincere effort, little by little, acts of goodwill, physical affection, acts of service, and other expressions of love will start creeping back in.

Repetitive positive changes of behavior build trust. However, if it took you years to get to this place, you have to know it will take time to get out!

The real concern is whether enough goodwill can be built up in time before the next storm hits and you face conflict, which inevitably will happen again.

If you and your partner have both experienced trauma and you are asking “is my relationship over,” the stakes appear much higher. 

There is rarely a bank of understanding where each of you has been making deposits for years. 

One mistake triggers whatever trauma the both of you have been through, and then resentment and criticism threaten to rise again like flames out of a volcano (it’s that Pele energy).

 

How Your Therapist Can Help

Working with a licensed therapist won’t solve all of your relationship problems overnight. 

It’s no panacea that will transport you and your partner instantly back to the good old days when things were romantic, deep, and exciting.

A competent therapist can help you come to grips with what you’re feeling, which will guide you towards greater understanding. 

When you understand who you are and what you’re feeling more, it helps generate the determination to make decisions that will benefit you.

If that means getting out of a relationship with no heartbeat, then so be it. Sometimes that has to happen for you to be who you need to be. 

And, if greater understanding can help you hang on, and ultimately improve, a relationship you still want and cherish, then a therapist can help facilitate the healing that needs to take place.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Am I Bisexual

Licensed Therapist Answers “Am I Bisexual?”

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Licensed Therapist Answers “Am I Bisexual?”

 

Today, we answer a common client question:“Am I bisexual” 

How do you know if you are bisexual?

Am I Bisexual

We wish there was a clear answer that could be used for everyone, and there is not. We are all unique and special in what we desire.  What I will share is what I have learned from my education, my experience, and my private practice. Please consider these as some general questions to reflect on if you are wondering if you are bisexual.

 

What is Bisexuality?

Stereotypically, the definition of bisexuality is being sexually attracted to “both” genders (ex. Men and women). Some would say it would be attracted to cisgender men and women and someone would include transgender individuals in this as well.

Cisgender is someone whos sex assigned at birth “matches” their gender presentation and/or expression (ex. Someone with a penis identifying as male). 

Transgender is someone whos sex assigned at birth does not “match” their gender expression and/or presentation (ex. Someone born with a vagina who identifies, dresses, and lives as a man.. because he is). 

I think it is important to note that there is conflict within the bisexual community regarding whether or not transgender individuals should be included.

Am I Bisexual

Unsolicited opinion: if you identify as a man or woman regardless of sex assigned at birth or what your genitals are… you are a man or a woman. Full stop. 

Stop transphobia.

 

What’s the difference between Bisexuality and Pansexuality?

Bisexuality focuses on the attraction exclusively to men and women, where as pansexuality is attraction to all genders (including non-binary, transgender, genderqueer, gender fluid, gender bending, etc.). 

Note: These are generally agreed upon definitions… it does not mean they are set in stone or that people within these identifies strictly adhere to these definitions.

 

Am I Bisexual?

Generally speaking, here are some indicators that you may be bisexual:

  • you are attracted to men and women – it does not have to be equal attraction!
  • you have had romantic relationships with men and women
  • you fantasize about men and women
  • you like pink, purple, and blue.. KIDDING, yet it is the flag!

Am I Bisexual

Basically the bottom line is that you are attracted to (romantically and/or sexually) to male and female humans. There is variation and does not necessarily mean the attraction is 50/50. It also does not mean that you have had to be in relationships or had sex with either or anyone else to know. You do not need to have had sex with someone to understand who you are and not attracted to. It helps, but is not necessary for your identity!

 

The Best Way is Self Exploration!

Any identity requires levels of self reflection and exploration. The only way to truly figure out your identity is through your knowledge and experience of yourself. If you need help with this please find an identity affirming therapist (like us at Life Coaching and Therapy, LLC) to help you through this process!

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

winter blues

Dealing with the Winter Blues – Ways to Deal with Depression

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Dealing with the Winter Blues – Ways to Deal with Depression

The Winter Blues can be rough, specially for those of us who have dealt with or deal with depression.

The days are shorter, the sun for some reason loves to hide from us, and it rains a lot. 

Depending on where you live, you can leave the door in the morning when it’s still dark out and get back home in the pitch black, feeling a bit like you’re in the twilight zone.

There’s nothing wrong with an occasional down spell. They’re perfectly normal. Every person goes through emotional cycles, so it’s important not to get too down on yourself if you catch a bit of the winter blues.

What you should be concerned about though, is when and if those winter blues linger for too long. They might start impacting your life more than you’d like them to, particularly if they start to influence how you feel about yourself.

 

The Limiting Effects of Depression

Depression is a serious condition that affects millions of people in the U.S. and around the world. At its worst, it can be debilitating. According to the Stanford School of Medicine, “At least 10% of people in the U.S. will experience major depressive disorder at some point in their lives. Twice as many women as men experience major depression.”

Now, we’re not saying that the winter blues equal a major depressive disorder, however it’s important to understand that they can. Feeling down and like you want to curl up on the couch all weekend once in a while is fine.

 

Be on the alert, though, if you start to feel like you can’t shake it!

When things get you down and you’re in a funk, there are things you can do to lift your spirits. It’s not easy, so start with small changes that can make a huge difference in how you feel. Here are some effective ways you can deal with the winter blues.

 

Therapeutic Help

Winter Blues

I hope by now you’ve had the chance to meet with a licensed therapist. If you haven’t, well, at least you’re here and perhaps considering it. You don’t need to be dealing with major trauma, divorce, or some other disruptive life event to get something out of therapy.

Therapists are trained to help you see patterns and work through life’s issues. Sometimes that involves dealing with some of the heavier stuff. Even for the small stuff, talking to a therapist is a fantastic way to identify what’s triggering the winter blues.

It may be your work schedule, the fact that you’re not getting enough sun, whether you’re exercising, or if you’re not spending sufficient time around friends and loved ones. Having a trained therapist sit and work with you on ways you can fight off the winter blues is time well spent.

 

How Diet Matters

In a new January 2020 article from Harvard Medical School, Dr. Monique Tello talks about how vital self-care is to helping depression. 

Diet, she says, is often a neglected part of self-care. There is overwhelming evidence that a healthy diet helps prevent poor mental health.

Take a look at what you’ve been eating for the past week or so and think about whether your current bout with the winter blues can be traced back to your diet. 

Sometimes, people have certain allergies to foods, and they eat them anyway. 

Other times, people use eating disorder behaviors and go extreme when it comes to sugar reduction and / or binging and purging behaviors. Remember, we do not advise eating disordered behaviors under any conditions! 

 

Keep It Moving

Exercise should be another major component of your self-care plan. 

When you work out, you give your brain a much-needed break from the stress and worry that tends to fill up so much of our minds. 

winter bluesHigh-intensity interval training exercise can have a wonderful way of clearing out our heads because we’re so focused on the task at hand.

When you exercise, you’re also out of the house, and that increases the odds you’ll come in contact with other people! 

Getting outside and in nature or a gym is great for clearing those winter blues!

You’re also more likely to feel positive about yourself when you’re in the habit of exercising. 

You gain confidence in what your body can do and will feel generally stronger about yourself. That’s a wonderful boost to your confidence and mental health.

 

Be Positive!

I put this title there on purpose. It’s mostly a joke because we all know how frustrating it can be when we tell a friend or a loved one that we’re feeling down. “Just be positive!”, they often say, and we roll our eyes thinking they just don’t get it.

It’s never super helpful when someone gives blanket general advice when you’re experiencing the winter blues. That’s even truer when it’s something specific that’s got you down. On the other hand, making a concerted effort to be positive will have an impact on your mood and mental health.

Hanging around positive people and taking a break from any Debbie Downers in your life can help cut the winter blues short. Engaging in positive activities also helps. If you can’t stand doing the laundry, take a break and go out for a fun night with a friend. Make a goal to compliment people at work each day for a job well done.

As you take concrete steps to be around and spread positivity, you’ll find it creeping into you as well. It will go a long way in lifting your mood so you can charge back into life on your terms.

 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

50 shades

Sex Therapist Brings 50 Shades to Your Bedroom

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Sex Therapist Brings 50 Shades to Your Bedroom

 

So you have read the 50 Shades books, and have you had anyone bring Christian Grey to your bedroom? 

Well, I can. Almost! 

  • Date night because Valentine’s Day isn’t over after February 14! Treat 1 day every week like it’s Valentine’s Day for your sweetie. Why? Because giving gifts – whether it be yourself or a present – is sexy! Go mark it ok your calendar now. Pick a sexy day for you and your partner every week! I personally like Fridays. 

  • Teach him the ropes – yes, literally ropes. You’ll love me for this… learn to tie a square knot. It’s easy and it will take you to the next level. Check my YouTube page. 

  • Blindfolds – utilize an old shirt, the free blindfolds they give on airplanes, or a scarf and ask your partner to blindfold you before having sex. You will be amazed at how different your thoughts are when you can’t see! Trust me… try it.

  • Use the power of suggestion – each day, use a word such as “pleasure” or “indulge” in your conversations via text or phone. Then when you see him in person, say the word “pleasure” or “indulge” while grabbing his arm or grazing his side. 

  • Sexy stories – Suggest that you write an erotic story together. Once your partner agrees, you start by writing the first paragraph. 

  • Make it a paragraph from a 50 Shades scene! Your partner writes a paragraph the next day. 

  • This way, you two are learning each other’s specific giving and receiving desires. 

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Perfect Sex Getaway

Secrets to Your Perfect Sex Getaway

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Secrets to Your Perfect Sex Getaway

 

Long-time couples know the power of a sex getaway all too well. You’re not worried about the headboard slamming against the wall waking the kids up. 

It’s a chance to let loose and moan a little louder. Sex getaways are also the best way to shake free of the “Wednesday night sex routine” rut we all run into from time to time.

The sex getaway is also the perfect way to level up with someone you’ve just started dating. If you feel like you want to try something new or mess around with some ideas in the sack, then the getaway is the best way to let your partner know.

Don’t take things for granted and think that your partner will know what’s going on just because you booked a nice hotel room for the weekend. You’ve got to do more work to make sure things go off smoothly.

Take some time and plan the sex getaway. Here are a few tips you can try to have some of the best sex of your life.

 

Your Sexual Itinerary

Planning a sex getaway with your partner is a big opportunity because it gives you both the space to explore. You’re taken out of the day to day environment where you’re stressed about work, kids’ activities, or the finances.

Don’t leave things up to chance, though. Put some thought into what you want to accomplish and experience while the two of you are alone. You can make it like a mini sexual workshop where you can try new things and get to know each other more deeply.

Set up a playbook that lists the days’ activities. For example, you can start by arranging to meet at a nice restaurant separately and have fun with a bit of roleplaying. You and your partner can list out new products like lubes, vibrators, or handcuffs that you want to try out. Work in some sensual activities like massaging each other when you’re not having sex.

 

Let the Beat Build

On your sex getaway or your first one at least, start slowly to build a foundation. If you’ve been married for years and have never had anal sex, it will catch your partner off guard if you walk into the hotel room and announce your intentions to attack their behind.

Instead, start with the basic positions and sexual interplay you’re both used to. The first time you have sex will already be more fun and interesting because you’re in a new setting. Make sure you compliment your partner and encourage them to move here, a kiss there, and get comfortable expressing themselves. That will help rev things up for later on in the trip.

 

Don’t Be Afraid to Push the Boundaries

Look, everyone has sexual fantasies. It’s all about how comfortable we are expressing them. When we’re in the throes of our busy lives, it’s easy to just blow off our deep thoughts about sex because we think we have more important things to worry about. 

After all, the sex we’re having already is pretty great anyway, right?

A sex getaway gives you the chance to level up and push the boundaries of you and your partner’s sexual relationship. Sex is one of the most fulfilling pieces of any bond between people. The closer you become in your intimacy, it will play out in other aspects of your relationship and life!

Use the getaway to try out new positions, power dynamics, and whatever else is your fancy. The getaway creates a safe space where you can try new things and see if they work for you. If not, then hey, they can be left behind in the hotel room after you leave.

 

Perfect Sex GetawayUse Your Imagination to Create Scenarios

Everyone loves a weekend at the Four Seasons and boozy brunch with their lover. If you book the upscale sex getaway, you’re going to score some major points for sure. However, it doesn’t have to be the same thing all the time. The next thing you know, you’ll be in the sex getaway rut just like your sex routine at home!

Use the sex getaway to craft specific scenarios that can play out and let your sexual imagination fly. Try whatever has the best chance to shake you from the tried and true positions and interplay with your partner. If you’re in the city, book a weekend ranch getaway where you can pretend to be ranch hands. Go out of town further and role play that you’re having an illicit affair.

Each scenario will be driven by you and your partner’s sexual fantasies. Remember, some people dream about getting bent over a rickety bed in a seedy motel along the freeway. Rose petals in the jacuzzi tub and Moet are great yet not for everyone all the time.

 

Pick Up the Pace A Bit – No Excuses!

Make sure a sex getaway is just that. Have all the trips to Miami on the weekend you can manage. We’re not trying to tell you that you can’t have normal vacations. This shouldn’t be one of them, though.

And don’t let how long you’ve been married or your age slow you down. “But we’re good with sex once a week” you might say. That’s fine, and do your best to let your sex getaway be mainly about sex! Yes – I said sex! 

Whatever your normal frequency is, try to pump things up a bit on your getaway to get the romantic juices flowing and give yourselves a boost going forward.

When you’re not knocking boots, fill your time with touch and intimate communication. Learn more about yourself and your partner’s sexual desires so you can have a more fulfilled intimate relationship when it’s time to go home.

Remember, small details will make a huge difference. Make sure you have a sex playlist on your phone to plug in when things start steaming up. Share the itinerary with your partner so they know what’s in store, and let them help plan the trip if that’s what they’re into. The sex getaway can be your gateway into incredible sex more often.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Psychosexual therapy

Psychosexual Therapy Exercises

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Psychosexual Therapy Exercises

 

Psychosexual therapy exercises are one of the most common reasons people come to sex therapy!

Power dynamics can play a role in our intimate relationships, yet that’s not to say that power dynamics are static. They are fluid and change as we change and become different people. Sometimes we are the mentor, and sometimes we need to be the one being mentored. Sometimes we want to be led, and other times we want to chart the path.

In every relationship, there is an exchange. It begins during the courtship process, where we attract potential partners with our inclination to show empathy, our lovemaking abilities, or our ability to provide and protect.

If you’re honest, you know what we mean. In every relationship, there’s an exchange that goes on. It may be physical or emotional, but you are essentially giving something for something else in return. You may be giving it graciously, but you’re giving and receiving, nonetheless.

That’s one of the reasons there is a persistent fear of sex work. Buried underneath our fear or proclaimed disapproval of sex work is knowing that there is always a rate of exchange in all relationships.

 

The Relationship Corporation

Remember the last time you fell in love? Or the first time? It’s an amazing feeling, hard to explain, but oh so incredible. If someone asked you “why?” about the person you love, you’d probably let out a sigh and think of the words to explain something so hard to verbalize.

Love is unconditional. Relationships, on the other hand, take agreements. Think about it. You might fall in love with someone who currently has no job, but would you stay with them if they never planned on ever getting one?

Your demands for equitable exchange become more evident as you start developing a committed relationship. There are certain things you want, and certain things you are willing to give. Some things you can’t live without, and others you can let slide. It’s all a process of getting your needs met and finding someone you care enough about to meet their needs. 

 

 

How Exchange Leads to a Fulfilling Sex Life 

Money and sex. These two issues are what the vast majority of couples talk about with therapists all over the world. They’re the main driver for divorce and have destroyed many a marriage or partnership.

If you think about it, the underlying reason so many people struggle with sex is that they feel there is an unfair exchange dynamic in their relationship. Whether you want more sex, better sex, or less sex, if you and your partner aren’t on the same page, or don’t work to improve any incompatibilities, it can spell trouble.

While there is something to be said for being sexually compatible with your partner, some people grow into their sexual potential. Here are some psychosexual exercises you can do to create a more fulfilling sex life and ultimately a better relationship with your partner.

 

Create a Connection Through Eye Contact:

When was the last time you held eye contact with your partner for a long period? When was the last time you did it while you were having sex? Holding eye contact can be incredibly uncomfortable at first. You may feel silly or vulnerable. After you get past the awkward stage, however, you are transported to a place of deep connection.

Psychosexual therapy

 

Tap the Oxytocin Well:

Oxytocin is a hormone in your brain that drives bonding and sexual reproduction. When you’re trying to create a better sexual relationship with your partner, you must understand what drives their oxytocin release. Frequently, touching, relaxing, and orgasms trigger the release of oxytocin.

Spend the time necessary to find out how your partner likes to be touched, what they like when you’re making love, and what to avoid.

 

Give a Massage:

Giving a sensual massage is a wonderful way to relax the body. When you’re in a relaxed state, your breathing is more centered, you’re more in tune with your body, and you’re more open to intimacy.

Give your partner a sensual massage by spending about an hour massaging their body. Use the time to help them relax muscles in the back, shoulders, and neck, but also focus on intimate areas like the inner thighs and butt cheeks. Massage by circling into those areas and then moving away. Repeat that a few times. You’ll gradually increase your partner’s anticipation and it can be a bit of fun teasing before sex. 

 

Eradicate Anxiety:

Nervousness inhibits sexual performance. It can be harder to get an erection, climax, or just plain relax and enjoy yourself. Whenever you feel intense feelings of shame, fear, or anxiety, your brain and body enter fight or flight mode. It releases adrenaline which triggers blood flow away from extremities and your genitals. That means it’s harder to become aroused. When you’re relaxed, your parasympathetic system is in overdrive, pushing blood to your genitals and increasing arousal.

It’s important to note that there’s no, “It’s just me” here. People who are anxious or nervous dealing with sex aren’t facing some simplistic mental block. They’re also dealing with physiological issues. Overcoming them takes time and working with a sex therapist can help. 

 

Consent & Choice!

The sex exchange isn’t just about when two people agree to offer and receive sex. A lot of the time, what happens during sex is also up for negotiation. You might have a particular fantasy or want to dress a certain way. Your partner may want to introduce toys or other sex aids into the picture.

You might have the desire to spank, hair pull, or try some BDSM. This is something you can negotiate together. For example, if I want my butt slapped, I would negotiate with my partner a situation where I can calibrate where I want to be touched, the intensity rating on a (1-10), and the type of hit I am looking for.

I would tap and then they can spank. I would rate it as a number (for example a 5) and then say I was looking for something more intense, and can I get their version of a 7. Then I would tap, and they would spank at a 7.

Being free to express yourself sexually is one of the best things about being in a committed relationship with a partner you can trust.

Consent and choice are not only about negotiating a sexual fantasy. Some people struggle with intimacy because they have a history of trauma. This changes the picture. They may be dealing with past abuse, strict religious morality, and other inhibitions that make sexual expression a struggle.

One of the antidotes to trauma and abuse is CONTROL and CHOICE. I’ve found that being able to negotiate the terms of sexual encounters with our partners, and using the above psychosexual exercises, can help you overcome inhibitions and become ok with sexual expression. 

 

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

Sensual Meditation: Strategies to Fall in Lust Again

 

About Life Coaching and Therapy

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a therapy and coaching practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible. Multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systematically-trained and licensed therapists!

Get to know our founder and owner, Amanda Pasciucco, (a.k.a. The Sex Healer) PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist (CST) that has developed innovative therapy programs and therapy videos that get results.

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help all clients who visit us for a variety of personal, relationship, intimacy and sex problems.

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

 

Bisexuality

Bisexuality and Other Invisible Identities 

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Bisexuality and Other Invisible Identities 

 

Being attracted to more than one gender bisexuality (and pansexuality) can be complicated and wonderful! 

In my work and over 8 years of experience as a therapist, I have learned an extraordinary amount about these identities that allow individuals and their partner(s) to manage their needs. 

 

Some people ask “how do I overcome bisexuality,” and we want them to know what the bisexuality definition is AND how they can learn to celebrate who they are!

 

Sexual Identity

Bisexuality Definition – attraction to “both genders or sexes,” while the Pansexuality Definition is being attracted to all genders.

 

In working with individuals who identify with the bisexuality definition, it is clear that there are many ups and downs in the identity.

 

When people within these identities are in a monogamous relationship, some have shared that it feels like their identity is not known – like a part of them is missing or hidden.

 

Sexual identity and bisexuality definition is confusing because it is fluid, which is not easy to describe to those who are “black and white” thinkers.

 

Relational Identity

Another invisible identity is being in a monogamous relationship when you identify as polyamorous or on the continuum of non-monogamous. 

There are many people who identify as polyamorous that choose to be in a monogamous relationship with their partner due to a variety of reasons. 

Whether that be that they are polyphobic (scared of being polyamorous), their partner is not okay with the idea of it, because there is no protection for employment for open relationships (you can get fired or Child Custody Services called on you if you identify with being in open relationships), or for other personal reasons. 

Polyamory is the idea of loving multiple partners. Polyamory, also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is increasingly becoming common. 

Being in love with more than one person isn’t as radical as it seems and if you want to learn more, check out this blog.

Polyamory can mean having a relationship with more than one person or feeling love, affection, and or having a sexual relationship with more than one person. 

This identity is often misunderstood and has been given a bad wrap because of nonconsensual forms of it (for example: infidelity, cheating, and affairs). 

The key to polyamory is consent. Consent from all people involved and a level of attunement and erring on the side of over-communicating with all partners involved are often essential for those who identify as polyamorous.

Bisexuality

How do you show that you are bisexual or pansexual in a monogamous relationship? 

In other-sex/gender or same-sex/gender relationships, when you are seen holding hands or being affectionate with that partner, you are assumed to be straight or gay/lesbian. 

When you are bisexual, pansexual, or polyamorous in a monogamous relationship, unless you are wearing something (or tattoo it across your forehead haha), there is limited ability to show your identity without verbally speaking it, and often. 

This can be exhausting! To have to constantly come out or correct people can be challenging and overwhelming! 

Some choose to passively accept the label of “gay” or “straight” and others “correct” those who mislabel them. Either can feel defeating as a person with an invisible identity. 

Furthermore, there is a lot of bi/pan/polyphobia in both the heteronormative and queer worlds. 

Many do not believe in these sexualities or I have also heard others sharing that it takes away from the queer identity because people in this identity can access “straight privilege.” 

In the case of people who identify as poly, this can show in the form of making assumptions about what “poly” is because it is very misunderstood. 

Stop the bi/pan/polyphobia! 

Show support for our bi/pan friends and stop invalidating these identities. 

It’s not okay! 

If you don’t get it, learn about it! 

Bisexuality

Being Unseen and the Impacts

There are a variety of ways on how to manage the feeling that a part of your identity is unseen or erased. 

Here are some of our favorite tips at Life Coaching and Therapy:

  • Talk about it! Make it visible! Share your feelings with those you trust, especially your partner. Discuss what it is like and ask your partner to hold that space for you.
  • Educate yourself on open relationships or polyamory to see if that is a choice for you.
  • Strategize! Is there something you and your partner can do that would allow your identity to be seen more?
  • Engage in role play or fantasy play with your partner or by yourself! Why not use masturbation and fantasy 
  • Allow yourself to grieve this through ritual, therapy, spirituality, or other means.
  • Use “radical acceptance” in being able to accept your identity and your choice of person. 
  • COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!

If you are really struggling with feeling unseen or not sure about your experience, reach out to a professional to help. 

This can allow you to explore your identity, ways to grieve, cope, or change. 

The impact of not doing this is ending up feeling resentful, unseen, or causing emotional harm to yourself and others. 

If this is hitting home for you or someone you know, please consider some of the suggestions and finding support. Here at LCAT, we are here to help! Identity, sex, and relationships are our thing!

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

How the Other Woman Feels When It’s Over!

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How the Other Woman Feels When It’s Over!

 

How does the other woman feel when they’re caught up in an affair? Most of the time, they get overlooked or accused of wrecking what was a healthy marriage or partnership. That, though, isn’t always true.

When affairs happen, it’s easy to throw around absolutes over who was wrong and why things went down the way they did. Emotions run hot in relationships anyway. Add infidelity to the mix and things can get explosive.

Just as is the case in steady relationships, affairs happen on a spectrum. Some people get involved in affairs because of nefarious reasons. They love the thrill of cheating or are too cowardly. They can’t be honest with their spouse or partner. The cheating partner knows they’re doing something awful, but their ego overpowers their sense of morality.

Affairs aren’t always evil, as weird as that sounds. Going around your partner’s back for sex, connection, touch, or any other reason is never good, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we can empathize why it happens. Throw in children, financial responsibilities, religious conviction, and societal pressure into the mix, and it’s possible to understand why it happens.

 

Our Yearning for Connection

“How could she? She knew he was married! She’s a homewrecker.” The other woman always catches a ton of heat when affairs go down.

It’s easy to demonize the other woman. After all, why would any woman want to be with someone who is living a double life? It must be that their intentions are bad, because, why would they ever agree to be with someone they know is unable to fully commit?

Understand, too, that people who drive themselves into affairs are often master manipulators. They use guilt, flattery, humor, or whatever else it takes to capitalize on a woman’s weakness. Remember, people who take no thought of how infidelity will affect their faithful partner aren’t usually worried about a little emotional manipulation to get what they want.

 

The Other Woman and Her Six Human Needs

For decades, psychologists have preached about Maslow’s needs and how survival, safety, love, belonging, esteem, and self-realization drive everything we do. The motivations on why anyone, including the other woman, enters into an affair is no exception.

Other women have affairs because they want safety knowing exactly what their relationship is. They like knowing that whatever this “relationship” is, it can only go so far because he or she has someone waiting for them at home.

 

They enjoy the casualness of the affair because it gives them a bit of belonging but doesn’t get in the way of their journey towards self-realization.

 

Sometimes Affairs Fill a Need

 

Perhaps the person having an affair who they’re involved with offers them the companionship they’re seeking but unable to get elsewhere. Maybe the sex is great. Other times, an affair offers her a transactional human connection that doesn’t encroach on other parts of her life like a career, education, or some other form of personal development.

In our experience, women get caught up in affairs for several reasons. If you’ve had an affair before, you know that it doesn’t start with any sort of desire to destroy someone else’s life.

Usually, women accept the constraints of living in an affair because what they’re getting is filling a gaping need, even if what they’re receiving is shallow.

That doesn’t mean it’s acceptable, but knowing affairs happen for many reasons can help us be more fully aware of what it takes to sustain a loving, fulfilling relationship.

 

What It’s Like for the Other Woman

The other woman is an interesting role. It’s a role that doesn’t get a lot of attention because it goes against the popular narrative that women generally seek emotional connections before physical ones.

If that was the case, though, affairs would never happen because the other woman is often short changed when it comes to time and affection from the person they’re sleeping with.

It’s true, some women find themselves in affairs at low points in their lives when they’re willing to accept less than they deserve. That’s not always the case though. Some women love the thrill of flirting with danger, of tasting the forbidden fruit, being a little naughty.

After all, if the feeling is mutual with someone, you’re super attracted to, it’s very tempting. You get to go home by yourself without all the obligations and emotional baggage of a committed relationship. Your life is still very much yours. It can be pretty appealing for some people.

 

Dwindling Taboos Make Affairs Easier

It’s important to understand as well that life is different these days. The hookup culture that most of us have grown up with has meant fewer people are settling down. More people are ok with a bit of sex and personal connection without it overwhelming our lives.

The other woman is often someone who wants to have good sex, go out to a nice place on occasion, and have some fun without it getting in the way of their personal goals. Whether or not the person they’re sleeping with is having an affair is no business of theirs.

 

Lingering Hopes They’ll Change

A lot of other women get caught up waiting. They wait endlessly the person they’re involved with promises over and over again that they’re leaving their partner behind to be with them. When the promised deadline passes, they get a gift, an apology, and another promise it’ll happen soon.

When real feelings are involved, it’s easy for the other woman to view the spouse at home or wherever they are as the bad one. They’re abusive, manipulating, or holding the kids as leverage. All they have to do, they think, is wait for her out and the new couple can make a happy life together.

Realize, as well, that not all other women even know about the committed relationship their partner is in. Plenty of women have been lied to while the person they’re seeing is living a double life. All along they thought they just had to travel for work a bunch. There are, however, things you can do to spot an affair.

 

When It Ends

Just like normal relationships, affairs can end messily or amicably. It’s common for the other woman to feel a sense of relief after an affair. The longer the affair goes on, the heavier the emotional burden can get. Not having to worry about getting caught, when you can call, and all the other ‘rules’ in an affair can be freeing.

Perhaps the best lesson from non-consensual affairs we can take is that they help us better understand what we crave and what it takes to find something fulfilling.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Learn to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

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Learn to Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

 

You’ve heard about the 5 Love Languages, and now imagine what a Sex Therapist has to say about GIVING in YOUR PARTNERS LOVE LANGUAGE! 

Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts has been around for decades. 

That’s an eternity in our fast-changing, “what’s new today” world. 

There are many reasons the book and the lessons have such staying power. 

When people read the book, it is as if the author sees inside of us. The author knows what behaviors drive us and often this speaks to the holes in our lives that are yearning to be filled. 

Like most relationship advice or personality quizzes we get, we immediately think, “What does this mean for me?” 

It’s like a lightbulb goes off in our heads when we put words to what makes us feel happy and loved. 

Learning your own love language, especially if you’ve found yourself constantly disappointed in love, is like finally finding buried treasure when you had a feeling it was there. 

It’s understandable that we immediately gravitate toward analyzing our own love languages. But what about our partners, the people who rely on us to speak their language and keep their buckets full? Indeed, discovering our own love languages is groundbreaking, but learning to speak someone else’s love language is where the real magic happens. It’s where romantic relationships experience real breakthroughs. 

 

Dealing with Language Matches

If you’re matched with someone with overlapping love languages, it’s easy to think things will be smooth sailing. Sure, there are definite benefits to two people who speak the same love language pairing up. Adjustments can be less strenuous for everyone. 

5 love language

There are, though, challenges to speaking the same languages. What happens when you both need to be spoken to at the same time? Physical touch might be easier because you’re being touched as you touch your partner, but what about something like acts of service? It can be hard to do something nice like making dinner for your partner when you feel like dinner should be made for you. 

When you both need the same bucket filled to stay happy and feel loved, it’s easy for resentment to creep in. And resentment is one of the major determinants to loving relationships. When you speak the same love language as your partner, you need to focus on overcoming your ego maybe more than others do. 

Fight the urge to hold back love, touch, affirmation, or acts of service as a ransom. The best thing to do is to give love freely, without strings attached, and communicate with your partner if you feel like your love language needs to be spoken more loudly or more often. 

 

When You Need to Learn to Speak a New Language

For most of us, getting involved with a partner or being in a romantic relationship means we’re learning a new language. Sometimes it’s one, sometimes it’s more. We can’t stress the importance of becoming fluent in your partner’s love languages enough. 

Too many people go through their lives feeling like they’re supportive, dependable lovers. All the while, their partners secretly wish they were touched a bit more, or that their partner was more giving. Our first instinct in romantic relationships is to speak to our partners in our love languages. 

Imagine a scene in a movie where explorers discover new land. When they first come in contact with the local people, they try to speak to them in a language they don’t understand, yet they repeat themselves over and over as if it was simply a matter of not hearing them enough! It’s too often the same with love languages. We can touch our partner, give them all the sex and massages in the world, but your message won’t get through if all they want is for you to make them dinner. 

What you should do, whenever appropriate, is to have a talk with your partner about what they need to feel loved. What speaks to them? How do they appreciate love being expressed? When you find out what their love languages are, you’ll have a clearer path to effective communication. 

Just because you know what their love language is, speaking it’s not easy. Showing love in a different language takes conscious effort and conditioning. The payoff, though, is worth it. When you start to speak your partner’s love language, you enter the wonderful world of reciprocation. Partners find themselves in a virtuous cycle of filling their partner’s buckets and having theirs filled in return. 

 

The Love Language Starter Pack

You don’t just start speaking a language fluently once you know its name, and the same is true for love languages. Knowing what to do with finding out your partner’s love language can be hard, especially if you’ve never spoken it. Here are some easy pointers for how to speak any one of the love languages.

5 love language

Physical Touch

If your partner needs physical touch, make sure to come in contact with them regularly. It can be anything from a touch on the arm to snuggling up next to each other on the couch to watch a movie. Sex, of course, is always welcome. However, avoid the appearance of touching your partner only because you know they want or need it. 

 

Acts of Service

Acts of service can vary from small things like taking out the trash to coming through when your partner’s in a bind. Do the little things like help with chores. Make the bed, do the dishes, and pay the credit card. Remember the big things, too. 

 

Words of Affirmation

People who speak this love language need verbal support. They thrive on getting compliments. Tell your partner you believe in them. Send a card or a text on occasion expressing why you love them and what they mean to you. 

 

Quality Time

Speak quality time by dedicating moments where you and your partner can focus on each other. Go on a date and don’t look at your phone once. Make frequent eye contact and ask them meaningful questions. Schedule a class or a fun activity together. 

 

Receiving Gifts

Don’t buy gift cards. Take the time to think about meaningful gifts and get them for birthdays, anniversaries, and, every so often, just because. Take note anytime your partner says they need something and make sure to go out and get it. 

5 love languageYou can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Relationship Goals

Eight Relationship Goals for the New Year

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Eight Relationship Goals for the New Year

 

Are you ready to start making your New Year’s Relationship Goals? Yes, it’s that time of year when we all start thinking about resolutions. 

Don’t let the Debbie Downers in your life make you think resolutions are lame. What’s not to love about a little self reflection and a bit of planning… especially in the name of romance!

Another variation of having a new year’s resolutions is to say you have GOALS. Although the end of each year is a convenient time to think about the year that’s gone by, it is important to examine quarterly what you’d like to accomplish moving forward.

If you’re not in the habit of setting goals, give it a try. 

There’s something magical about writing down your hopes and aspirations. They tend to come true! 

Not just by luck, the act of verbalizing and documenting relationship goals commits us subconsciously. We speak our vision into being.

 

Relationship Goals

We’re not here today to talk about getting in the gym more often or getting that raise at work. Those are great, and if it’s something you want to shoot for, go for it. Today, we are here to talk about relationships.

We spend so much time focusing on falling in love and finding the right person, but we don’t focus enough on what it takes to stay in love or even fall deeper into love. Yes, there are levels to emotional connection in relationships that take effort but are so, so worth it.

Whether you and your partner are stuck in a rut and need to ignite your sex life, or you’re looking to take things in your relationship to the next level, here are 8 relationship resolutions to consider heading into 2020.

 

  1. Work on Yourself

 

We all catch ourselves wishing our partner would lose a little weight, spend less time on their phone, or quit smoking. It’s easy to project our wishes on other people. New Year’s isn’t the time for projecting our wishes on other people, it’s time to focus on ourselves.

It’s fine if you want to commit yourself to certain standards. Saying you resolve to not date anyone who smokes is much different than a resolution to help your current partner quit. The sooner you realize you can’t change other people, the better. Emphasize self-improvement and get a better perspective on what you can control.

 

  1. Dedicate Time to Each Other

    Relationship Goals

We get it. It’s easy to get in a zone where you take each other for granted. Life throws so much at us that it can be easy to forget why we’re together sometimes. The only way to beat back the complacency that creeps into relationships is by spending time with your partner to remember what it is you love about them.

And guess what? You’ll probably be surprised when you do. People change. The person you’re with now is different than the person you first fell in love with one, five, or fifteen years ago. Spending time alone together is a process of continual learning where you connect with your partner and discover new parts of them you didn’t know before.

 

  1. Make Sex a Priority!

In 2020, sex should be on your mind! Physical intimacy is a huge component of a relationship’s well-being. If sex has become a bit drab, make it a New Year’s relationship resolution to spice things up between the sheets.

Check out my video on “How to Seduce Your Spouse” 

Buy some sex toys, lingerie, or whatever else will get you or your partner in the mood. Try out a bit of role-playing, light BDSM, or some other way to change things up so it’s not the same old every time.

 

  1. Support Your Partner

Remember that time your partner said they wanted to quit their job to pursue art? Or that one year they said they wanted to take up cooking lessons? Resist the urge to be negative or critical when your partner wants to try something new. After all, they’re probably thinking about 2020 resolutions too.

Instead of resisting or poking fun, resolve this year to lend support to your partner with whatever they want to pursue. When your partner feels more fulfilled, you’ll be happier too.

 

  1. Get Your Finances in Order

If you’re married or in a long-term committed relationship, odds are you’ve fought over money in the past. Financial stress is one of the main challenges to relationships.

Relationship Goals

When the finances are a mess, it has a direct impact on how happy the two of you are.

Resolve in the new year to pay down debt, save a bit more, and spend on activities that will benefit your relationship. When you don’t have to spend so much time worrying about the bills, you have more mental space to give to the person you love.

 

  1. Give Therapy a Try

If you haven’t tried couple’s counseling yet, make 2020 the year you finally give it a shot. Couple’s counseling isn’t only for people struggling in a relationship. Even if things are great, you can benefit from seeing a licensed therapist.

Counseling is a great way to arm yourselves with communication tools for when any challenges arise. Counselors  also help you practice empathy and see things from your partner’s perspective.

Text therapy is a secure and convenient way to get frequent and intensive coaching from any location. 

 

  1. Implement a No-Phone Zone

Have you ever tried to bring up something serious with your partner, only to have them staring down at their phone? It’s deflating and chances are you’re not innocent either. More and more families and couples are instituting a no-phone zone to help people pay more attention to each other.

In a February 2019 article, Sehar Shoukat wrote that, “Excessive use of smartphone paired with negative attitude and feeling of anxiety and dependency on gadgets may increase the risk of anxiety and depression…”. The more we can push away from our phones, we can interact with people we love and improve our overall moods. 

Set a part of the house as a no-phone zone, or tell yourself that after a certain time, there’s no more phone or screens allowed. Instead of scrolling through social media, you’ll have more time to listen to your partner and engage one on one.

 

  1. Set a Goal Together

Relationships, like life, are about growth and progress. No matter who we are, we all feel stunted if we’re stalled in life. We need hobbies, work, or some other project to give us meaning.

Set a goal with your partner that’s something you are both interested in. Be careful, because you need to make sure the goal is something you both want to do. The goal cannot just be something one of you wants to do, and the other tags along. When you do something together you’ll build more common interests. Down the road those interests will be the thread that holds the two of you together.

You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.

Sexy Couples

Why Are Sexy Couples So Damn Hot?

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Why Are Sexy Couples So Damn Hot?

 

Have you ever come across sexy couples and realize that you’re drawn to them for some strange reason? Perhaps you’ve seen them interacting across a restaurant or chatted with them at a dinner party.

Sometimes, we’re attracted to couples we’re more intimate with. It could be close friends we’ve known for a long time. Secretly, we envy something about their relationship.

When we see sexy couples, we admire the way they touch each other, laugh together, or just the way they look at each other. There’s something about them or their relationship that feels deeply desirable.

Usually, we’re too shy to tell them how we feel. Inside, we hunger for something similar. The couples become a mini obsession we grow to desire.

At times, the couples we find sexy aren’t people we are traditionally attracted to. They don’t match the physical or personality attributes we’d list to friends.

Outside Attraction is Natural Even Among Committed Couples

It’s ok to admit it, we all fantasize about people from time to time. It’s unrealistic to think that your current partner is the only one you’ll ever find sexy. That doesn’t mean we’re going to be unfaithful.

Once we realize the sexual desire for others is normal, it can even add a lot more fun into our committed relationships!

Supportive partners help each other fulfill fantasy within boundaries. Add a little adventure into your sex life by introducing a bit of roleplaying. 

If you know your partner is feeling a certain kind of way about someone, try to play that up. Take on some of their personality traits or dress the way they do to make sex more interesting.

Hopefully, you nor your partner is overly jealous. It’s great when both of you are willing to talk about attraction or desire for other people. 

Let loose, and let sexy couples improve your own love life with a little fantasy. 

Try to embody aspects of their relationship that draw you in. Fantasy is an important part of the intoxication with sexy couples! 

 

Sexual Desire is Fluid

Sexy Couples

Many people experience changes in sexual desire. As we grow into our sexuality, we realize attraction and desire are fluid. They don’t always stay the same.

It’s a hard phenomenon to understand, and sometimes we are drawn to a person or sexy couples for reasons we can’t explain.

Most people, if they’re honest, can pinpoint times in their lives when they were attracted to someone who was not their “type.” People attracted to the other sex can feel the desire for same-sex individuals at times. 

Sometimes, it’s difficult to reconcile our feelings with our understanding of who we are as individuals. What does it mean, as a female, you find yourself attracted to both partners in a sexy couple you come across? It can be confusing when our sexual desires change. 

Labels are Helpful Yet Not Always Necessary

Over the years, labels have helped marginalized people or misunderstood claim space in society. 

The emphasis on labels, though, has led a lot of people to feel the need that everything must be labeled so that it’s understood. 

We often feel a need to declare what something is so we know how to approach and process our feelings.

Don’t be so quick to label yourself over your feelings of attraction and desire. We shouldn’t put pressure on ourselves to define every feeling or desire. Labels are good as long as they don’t put you in a box that you don’t want to be in.

If you are struggling, on the other hand, with defining your feelings of attraction and desire, the Kinsey Scale can help. For decades, the Kinsey Scale has helped people realize that sexual feelings change over time and aren’t always constant.

 

The Kinsey Scale

Dr. Alfred Kinsey led a team of researchers in interviewing thousands of people about their sexual attractions. It gauged over time how attractions and desires changed. The study found that sexual orientation shifts. Sometimes people declared themselves strictly attracted to the other sex, while at other times expressing a greater openness to homosexual feelings.

The Kinsey Scale[1] was created to help people understand the fluidity in sexual attraction better. It rates sexual attraction from 0-6, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual (other sex) and 6 being exclusively homosexual (same sex).

Sexy CouplesThe study was completed decades ago, and it’s had a huge impact. Books on the subject have sold millions of copies in a multitude of languages. Many of the conversations we have about sexual attraction today have roots in the Kinsey Scale.

We Can’t Explain Attraction

It’s not always possible to explain how we feel. Certain people, places, and conditions trigger a variety of emotions in people. You can find a couple or another individual extremely sexy at a certain point in your life, and then laugh about how you felt ten years later. Things change.

It’s important to embrace our feelings of attraction and try to understand what they mean about our sexuality. Fighting against feelings can lead to unnecessary internal struggles that could trigger depression or anxiety. Don’t force a definition on yourself. Embrace your feelings of attraction. The best thing you can do is remain open and enjoy the ride. 

 

Don’t Be Afraid to Explore What Drives Your Attraction

Is a man in a relationship with a woman who is attracted to another man bisexual? Can there be an attraction between a gay man and a woman? When we understand there are no hard rules for sexuality and who we desire, then we can free ourselves.

Becoming more open sexually can be a wonderfully personal journey for people who want to learn more about themselves and explore where sexual desire comes from.

Knowing this opens us up to deeper connections. whether they be with committed partners, new relationships, or strangers we interact with.

So, the next time you find yourself staring or daydreaming about that sexy couple you’ve come across, don’t be afraid to dive a little deeper into your psyche about where those feelings come from and what that means about you.

Of course, a qualified sex therapist can help guide you through sexual discovery. If you feel like you need someone to talk to, find a sex coach who has experience dealing with changes in sexual desire.

 You can get more free content on relationship and sex tips by checking out my Youtube Channel – The Sex Healer. 

If you know someone that would benefit from this information, feel free to share it. 

Life Coaching and Therapy (LCAT) is a relationship coaching and sex therapy practice that transforms our clients lives through our flexible, multi-technique approach and pleasure-skills training provided by systemically-trained and licensed therapists! 

Our team of compassionate, licensed therapists and certified sex therapists help Millennials and Baby Boomers alike who visit us for a variety of relationship, intimacy and sex problems. 

LCAT provides on-site appointments, as well as video chat and text therapy programs. For clients hoping to take their intimate lives to the next level through personalized coaching on YOUR terms, learn more about our Text Therapy Program.

Learn more about how LCAT can help improve your life at What We Do. 

Call or text us at 203-733-9600 or make an appointment.